Soul Searcher


Soul Searcher


Brandon J. Wysocki

Copyright 2016 All Rights Reserved

Shakespir Edition

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Cover Photo By

Cassondra Wysocki

-To find you once more seems too good to be true. As I search endlessly, how will I know that it is you? Will I see your soul in different eyes? Will I see your spirit in a new but equally splendid smile? Or perhaps it will be with your touch that I realize we’ve been reunited. Maybe it will be when I touch you that finally I will know. I will search the entire universe, there is no limit to the length I will go. I said you’d never know how much I love you, but that applied to this life alone, when I embrace you in the next one, at last you will begin to know. My love for you cannot be described, but over many lifetimes it can be shown.

By death, apart we have been temporarily torn. But for the rest of my life, I will search for your soul, wherever it has been reborn. And if in this life I fail to find you, in the next I will gladly begin again. I will not let anything between us, not even death will be our end. It is beautiful and astonishing the way that we are bonded. Our love is deeper than the flesh, so I know it must last beyond it.-

I watched in agony as the cancer continued to consume you. The woman who has given me everything, is having everything taken away. I can’t protect you from the pain, I can’t save you from this fate. But I don’t want to let go of you, of us. I don’t want you to succumb to this disease. You are too young, and there is still so much for you in this life. There is so much that I owe to you, and while I knew I never could, this dreadful fate has removed what little possibility I ever had to repay you.

Very early on after your diagnosis, you had told me that you wanted me to find someone else to love after you pass. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t want that; I didn’t even want to hear that.

You told me that you knew I would, regardless of your wishes, and that you wanted me to be happy. I would have no part in that. In our time together, one thing I always loved to do was surprise you. Truly catch you off guard, whether it be a thought, comment, gesture, or gift. I always thought about you, I was crazy about you. But it became increasingly tough to express that in fresh and invigorating ways. Rather than just do what is expected, when it is expected of me, I liked to try to save the effort and come up with something better. That may sound good, but in truth, it often failed to come to fruition. In short, I made things harder than they needed to be, and failed, at least in part, because of it. And now I was left with doubt and regret, what should I and could I have given to my lovely partner but had not? Why?

I stayed by your side as you passed. It broke my heart as I watched you take your last breath, but I knew it brought you relief from the horrid experience that sadly was the end of your life. I stayed by your side long after you passed. Where else did I have to go? As my tears rained down on your body, I had the delusion that they would restore your life, like water to a wilted plant. I felt like I died that day, in truth a big part of me did.

“I love you,” I whispered in your ear, thinking that some of your lifeforce might still remain. “Please return to me.”

Please return to me, if not in this world, or in the life as we know it now; then please in whatever is next, someway, somehow.

When we closed the casket, I wanted to be in there with you. I didn’t want to let go of you, I felt like I was abandoning you. There is a void now if my life, in my heart, in my soul, that only you can fill. I see you ever more apparent in our children, which is a bittersweet experience. Our lives are not the same without you, and they never will be. We all miss you so much! I wish I could hold you in my arms once more. I cry out, beg, and pray that you return to me, or that I’ll be able to seek you out. It’s improbable if not impossible, but the least I can do is spend the rest of my life looking for you. What happens when we die? I hope you cannot see the agony we experience from your loss. If you can, please remember that the pain and tears are simply a reflection of the love we had and will always have for you. It’s not your fault that we hurt, and I know if you could come back to us, you would. We were so lucky to have you in our lives. You were such a bright, beautiful spirit. Thank you.

Through every obstacle, through any door, I would do anything to be with you once more.

I vowed my love for an eternity, and I meant it. It took me a few years to realize just how much I did. We had our issues, as all young couples do. On more than one occasion I believe we were on the brink of divorce. I think we were just tired of struggling. But I was and am grateful for the struggles; they made us so much stronger. It seemed with each passing day after those initial rough years, I began to realize just how lucky I was, and undeservedly so. It’s hard to remember how I felt or what I was thinking in the beginning, but in time my feelings begin to grow exponentially for you. You had made the family of my dreams come true. I can’t imagine I ever saw you as less than my equal, but I quickly began to see you as my superior. You are my everything because that is exactly what you gave me. I often called you “Mama,” obviously in part because you were the mother of my children and it was simple to call you that. But I had an epiphany one day of why that came so naturally, it was as though you had given me life.

I visit your memorial stone at the cemetery and attempt to talk to you. I call your phone number. I visit your old job, your old school, your favorite restaurants. It’s like quantum nonlocality, I feel you perpetually affecting me from any distance because of the way we are bound, I felt it when you were alive, and I feel it even now. It is impossible to know me and define me without recognizing the profound impact you have on the very essence of what I am. I cling to the memories that we had, but even more I cling to an unspecific, admittedly unfounded, hope, that we will have more. When I reach out to you in these ways, I hope that you will answer, or at least give me something to let me know I’m on the right path, and that you are waiting for me on it. I constantly wonder where you have moved on to, and what that is like for you. Are you in heaven, or paradise, or do those await you down the road? My fear is that you have been reborn into a new body, destined to find a new love and start a new family, and that our paths will never cross again. I fear that our time together was a beautiful but ephemeral natural marvel of existence, something like a supernova. You and what we had are irreplaceable. Even if what we had was meant to pass naturally, I do not care to be bound by such conventions, at least not without a fight. I will not resign myself to simply hoping you are well. I will actively search for you. If you have been or will be reborn, then I will find you. If we go on to a new plane of existence after death, then I will search you out there. If we repeat cycles of life, then I will pursue you through each one, until we are together again, until our family is once again whole.

I remember driving to meet you on our blind date, and thinking that it was crazy and likely a waste of time and effort. I was so close to turning around. I have no real reason for why I decided to, but following through with it was easily one of the best, most rewarding decisions I have ever made. Conversely, this decision is easy to make. I’d be a fool to not try to meet you once more, regardless of where that is and what it takes. I cannot and will not accept that you and what we had is gone forever!

I wonder through what boundaries our souls can communicate; and through what means they might do so. When you visit me in my dreams, is it really you, or just the remnant of you that remains in my memory? Or is it a part of your soul intertwined with mine, waiting for us to reunite and to become whole again? I search for something I may never find. I long for something I cannot quite describe. But I remain hopeful that I will recognize it when I see it; your soul, your essence, wherever it may be, in whatever form it has taken.

I fear our souls are out of sync. I do not know how to remedy that issue, but I cannot help but believe it is a barrier between us. Where are you? I wonder if I have done us a disservice by not following after you in death. Perhaps that is part of the importance of Sati, or better yet, the explanation of the phenomenon of elderly spouses dying in close proximity to one another. The truth is I simply do not know. I am broken and lost, and I simply long desperately to restore what I had. If I had to describe love, I would say it is the incomparable force that connects two souls. You can argue that the two people first meeting is fate or simply good fortune, but I firmly believe it is love that binds them in time, even their souls. It is love that keeps them together through disagreements, mistakes, and hardships; just as it is love that reunites them, perhaps after a break-up or a divorce, and even after death. Through all of this, of one thing I have only become more certain – I love you!

When I consider my own end, I imagine you embracing me as I pass on to whatever might be next. I miss you, and I have suffered without you. I hope your fate has been kinder. I thank you for all that you gave me, and selfishly I long for more. Perhaps deluded by heartbreak and maybe even death itself, I believe I may be on the cusp of just that. It is hard to imagine the beginning of this universe, a mysterious, magical moment in the cosmos, and it is even harder imagining it ever ending, and that is how I see our love; Intrinsic to existence, and as immortal as the universe itself.

As I reflect on it now, I begin to consider and maybe even favor different understandings and explanations. For me, it is hard to reconcile the wonder of existence and the beauty of love and family with the harsh experience of all of those things inevitably being ripped away. I believe we all inherently struggle to understand how and why that could be. And so many of us cling to different ideas of hope and faith that death is not the end our existence; for comfort, because it subjectively makes the most sense, and because anything else just seems wrong. But maybe we’re looking at it all wrong. I believe I could have searched the entire universe for an eternity, and would have been hard pressed to find something or someone that gave me the love, happiness, and fulfillment that my wife and our children have. And even if I did find something or someone, would I have appreciated the preciousness of it all in the midst of eternity? In fact, would it really be as precious when you consider that you could always search for something more? A rare coin is valuable precisely because it is rare, because in time they fall out of circulation, maybe even existence entirely. How much more precious then is love and family when you consider how finite it all is? The warmth of your spouse’s touch, the sweet, tender embrace of your children, the unbelievable feeling of seeing them happy – these things are indescribably awesome, precious, and irreplaceable. When my wife passed away, I was heartbroken that we had lost her, and she had lost us, and dumbfounded to think that what we had was finished, that our love, in its then present and active form, had come to pass. Though I’m not content to settle for that, and while I do still desperately hope that soon I will find her once more, and in their time, our children will find us again, I also think that I failed to recognize how assured it is that our love, even us in spirit, will live on after us. Our life and our love manifest in our children, and they in theirs. It is a slow, intimate, passing of the torch, beginning the day they were born. And while I still hope for an eternity with all of them in one way or another, I cannot possibly imagine better caretakers that we could entrust the carrying on of our life and love to than our spectacular children. But that is by no means a resignation to this sad fate that the brief time we had is all that we will ever have. I will never give up searching. I was incredibly blessed with how quickly I found her in this life, and with how early we started our family. But for the great, immeasurable, irreplaceable experience that we had, there is no wait or obstacle that would not be worth it, and so I will gladly search for her again and always. And in time, it is my deepest hope that together, we will search for our precious children, and we will all be reunited for the rest of eternity.

Love is the force that binds two souls; family is the group of individuals made whole through their connections with the others who also compose it. In any existence, and in every form, until the stars shine no more, it is you I will be searching for.

Soul Searcher

A short story with sporadic poetry of a man dealing with the grief and confusion of losing his spouse in death. The debut release of author Brandon J. Wysocki. A touching account that the author’s mother called “breathtakingly beautiful…full of interesting questions and observations,” and made a childhood friend say “I didn’t think someone so ugly could write something so beautiful,” but that the author’s sister described as a “long introduction that dead ended,” (you can’t win them all). In her defense, it is more of a prologue to a larger story that may or may not ever be expanded upon. All the same, read it and feel free to share your own thoughts on it as well.

  • Author: Brandon J. Wysocki
  • Published: 2016-07-15 15:35:06
  • Words: 2638
Soul Searcher Soul Searcher