By Debra Gavant
I’m so glad you’re here for me in my moment of greatest need. I know you will listen without judgement nor condemnation. Dearest diary, yesterday someone shot our Dexter. He was sitting on the sofa, in his usual way, watching television, scarfing down cheese doodles like an asthmatic sucking air.
An argument ensued regarding that big hole in the front yard he dug but never planted, which has tripped me up numerous times on my way to the mailbox.
I left the house for only a few minutes but on returning I discovered poor Dexter sitting slumped over the toilet with 3 bullets in his gut.
Oh my! Someone shot Dexter.
Naturally I was concerned a messy police investigation might distress the children. So I wiped off that gun and yes, put it in Dexter’s hand, just like you see on TV. Dexter would have appreciated that touch, being so fond of TV like he was.
I then immediately called the police. I was so distraught and rattled by the time they arrived I could barely speak. Like them, I too was amazed about those 3 bullet holes but figured Dexter was too drunk to feel much of anything.
Perhaps Dexter accidentally shot himself?
The funeral was pleasant enough. The sermon was a gloomy fare but with a nostalgic touch of eternal optimism on the side.
A few of Dexter’s poker buddies came by, though chatting through much of the service. One fellow put a bag of cheese doodles in the coffin. I gave it to baby Delvin.
Terrible news today. The insurance company says suicide voids the policy. If they don’t find his killer, or if it was he himself that did himself in, I won’t be able to collect on his untimely demise.
How will I support the children and myself? Government assistance? That could take months and mounds of paperwork. What can I do for money? Flip burgers and smell of grease? Wash floors and ruin any hope of keeping a manicure?
I am without funds and little Dexter has a cold, and just my luck I’ll catch it.
I saw a posting at the grocery store. Someone looking for a seamstress. How hard can that be? I think I even took a sewing class once.
Sewing is scary! That needle sewed right through my finger! There I was sewing little bitty bows for a lady needing 10,000 bows in two days to cover a custom gown.
When I finally got the needle out blood went everywhere and those thousands of teeny tiny bows looked silly lying there all splattered in red.
Despite the inner voices telling me not to, I answered an ad for a job at the laundromat. I do laundry all the time anyway, what’s a few more loads. They even said I could bring baby Dexter with me and keep him in a hamper in the back if I wanted to. That way I won’t have to leave him in his crib all day with a straw and a bucket of juice. Though he enjoyed it, especially with cartoons on, it’s not what I prefer dear Diary, you know how much I adore my kids.
However the work load at the laundromat was far worse than I anticipated. It was so hot from the irons and the steam and the noise and they wouldn’t let me work the front counter.
I fell asleep on the bus home and I think the man sitting next to me touched me in a non-appropriate way. He looked at me funny when I woke up. Plus I missed my stop and had to walk 3 extra blocks. I was so tired when I finally got home I could barely tear the dinner box open.
Dear dear dear Diary,
I may have hit my lowest point today. There was no food in the house. Not even a slice of bread, stale or otherwise. I found enough change in the sofa to buy a pack of buns but when I went to the grocery all the other food was calling out to me.
So I figured I’ve got children to feed no use quibbling over the minor sins. I managed to put some sausage links, a small bottle of relish, a bag of rolls, 3 boxes of Jell-o, hello, and even a pack of cheese doodles, all inside my dress. I was rather impressed by my daring. I’d never done anything like that except for restaurant mints in bulk.
Oh Dear Diary,
Actually stealing groceries was not my lowest point. I tried to rustle up a little action of the kissy kind. I got all dressed up and went to ‘that’ part of town. I hoped with all my heart I wouldn’t run into anyone I knew. This may sound a bit overoptimistic but I was secretly hoping a handsome millionaire would be so moved by my loveliness that he’d declare everlasting ardor at first sight, or at least give me bus fare. But it was only some guy with dirty nails and bad breath and I said to heck with that, not worth 20 bucks.
Wrong again! That too wasn’t as low as I could go. I’m really learning a lot about myself. I am a very resourceful woman in times of need.
I saw an elderly lady, weighed over by the load of her bulging bags and heavy vinyl purse. Like a good citizen I offered her help. She seemed to not hear me and kept walking. I was thinking maybe she was one of those rich eccentrics who carries a bunch of money even though they look like a poor helpless old lady. So dear diary I grabbed that purse and ran! My heart was pounding till I hid around the corner. I looked all though that purse’s multitude of compartments only to find the grand total of 3 dollars and 44 cents.
So I threw that purse in a bin and headed home. I was so disgusted, frustrated and upset that when I passed a little kid in a stroller and saw he had a big, colorful lollipop in his little chubby hands and his mother was busy nattering away with someone on her phone I grabbed that sucker and ran! I was exhausted but excited when I finally got home with my beautiful prize. I took a hammer to it and broke it into dozens of bite size pieces and we all ate candy and watched a movie.
Having candy for dinner is really not the best nutrition for my little ones so I was wondering, what I could possibly do other than all I have done because nothing could be worse and my kids are hungry.
The next morning luck did hear my plea and shined a bright ribbon of light on me.
I happened to be at bank near closing time begging the bank manager to give me a small loan to tide me over till my checks start coming in when I noticed a substantial brass lamp on his desk.
When he refused I said thanks anyway and went looking for the ladies’ room. I happened to look back and saw him opening the safe.
I’m thinking kids + hungry + safe + hard object + soft head = lots of money!
You wouldn’t believe how much money dear diary. Is that bad? I can’t believe what a bit of desperation does to a poor defenseless downtrodden in dire need person might do.
All I had to do was open the safe door and there dear diary right before my own big eyes was a sight to behold, a memory that will be forever replayed in my mind:
Money! Lots and lots and lots of money!
My luck is finally turning around.
Yesterday Dexter Jr. and I went to the grocery store and we experienced consumer rapture more fulfilling that I knew was possible or perhaps healthy. I felt like an ant on a warm bar of chocolate.
The kids ate steak for breakfast, lunch AND dinner. Today they said they were getting tired of steak and wanted their usual instant oatmeal for breakfast. Ha! Can you imagine being tired of steak? Only a couple of days before they were whining about having to eat oatmeal again. So I made them up a big batch of oatmeal but added a whole stick of butter to it.
I took the kids to the toy store this afternoon and told them they could buy any one thing their little hearts desired. We walked around for over an hour but they couldn’t make up their minds about what they wanted. We ended up buying all the toys in a gumball machine.
Not me! I’m going to buy 6 new pairs of shoes! I’m going to hold off on buying any pants though. No fun buying pants when one is feeling bloated.
An amazing thing happened to me during today’s shopping excursion. I was burdened in that wonderful way with numerous packages, boxes and bags, the aftermath of a beautiful day of spending, spending and spending some more. It was a celestial experience, a shopper’s rapturous delight of pure unhindered indulgence. I bought everything I wanted and plenty of things I had no idea I wanted or could ever need. There I was feeling the tiniest bit distressed having to tote so many bags when out of heaven above an angel came to my aid and rescue in the guise of a gentleman with a full head of hair and a smooth, deep voice. I had dreamed of a perfect knight to rescue me from all my burdens, worries and concerns, my needs and wants, to fulfill and cherish and love till death do us part, and I think it has finally happened. I hope. Dare I hope? Yes!
New boyfriend and me had the most wonderful time today. We literally shopped till we dropped. Well almost. We had such fun. Warren really didn’t want me buying him so many things but when I saw how excited he was over a pair of shoes he liked or those fancy silk ties, I just couldn’t resist. It was like spending monopoly money after landing on the jackpot.
An unfortunate turn of events has manifested itself in my current living situation. You of course no doubt remember all that money I’ve been telling you about? Well, stranger than strange I think I greatly miscalculated the amount because when I went to get lunch money out of my purse to buy burgers for the darling little tots I found not a cent to my name. Nada, neg, nugatory. Thank goodness of all things bright and beautiful and right my one true love is there to help me through this unfortunate circumstance.
I haven’t heard from my dear boyfriend in several days and I’m beginning to get quite concerned. I wonder if I said something to offend him. Was it my breath? Maybe he’s hurt! I’m very worried.
I cannot begin to tell you how upset I feel right now. My gut feels wrenched like someone has torn out my heart, chopped it into pieces and made a stir fry with it. I feel nauseous. I went to bf’s apartment today and I was aghast to find that not only had he used me, not only had he lied to me, not only had he abused my trust, but he also wears a toupee!
I also discovered he’s already married! Well, I showed him how I felt about being bamboozled. He sure was surprised for a second or two.
The police think I killed him. His wife insisted she would say she didn’t see anything but I guess she’s a liar just like him. And she told me I had done her the biggest favor ever. Well he got what he deserved no question about that, none whatsoever, nada, zilch, zero, zed.
Sorry I haven’t written in a few days. It’s been kind of difficult due to the current events I’m dealing with at the moment. We’re kind of hiding out as the police are looking for me. Kind of exciting, kind of depressing.
It would appear the only solution to my current situation is to use the great silver convincer. I hate to resort to such indelicate devices of persuasion but my current dilemma necessitates a more direct approach. I’m still hoping that somehow things work out, but my situation has not improved since Dexter’s untimely demise. Though I am confident Dexter is happier where he is now than he ever attained during his brief drunken appearance on earth. Dang, I wish those kids would quiet down so I can get some sleep tonight.
Today my little metallic friend and I took in a little extracurricular activity. Netted us enough to keep us all in fast food for a few days and a motel room for a couple weeks. Not bad. I’m feeling rather notorious in a kind of nervous tension sort of way. I wish I had more tolerance for beer to relax me a bit but unfortunately it gives me gas.
You may find this hard to believe but it looks like I’ll be having to take my helpful buddy out for another spin around Main Street. Those kids eat like ducks on a loaf and damn if I’m not out of cash again. Sorry to say, the next time I write to you may be from prison. I accidently left my silver avenger at the restaurant.
Luck turned in my favor once again as when I was rummaging through a box Dexter left in the trunk I found one of his old guns. It just needs a good cleaning and since I saw him do that sort of thing many times before I know it is easy to do.
Someone shot Dexter
Bang bang bang.
The funeral bells then
Rang rang rang.
Hear Missy cry
Sob sob sob.
Now she’s gotta get a
Job job job.
She tried to be a seamstress
Sew sew sew
But she could barely tie a
Bow bow bow.
She tried working in a laundry
Mat mat mat.
It was too exhausting to do
That that that.
Then she turned to stealing
Food food food
She just didn’t know what else to
Do do do.
She even snatched an old lady’s
Purse purse purse.
What else could possibly be
Worse worse worse.
Killing that bank teller
Bang bang bang.
Now she’s feeling guilt
Pang pang pangs.
But the bank she then
Rob rob robs.
Just turn the safe’s
Knob knob knobs.
There’s bills and coins
Gobs gobs gobs.
No more being a poor
Slob slob slob.
Now Missy’s dancing
Round round round.
Happy at all the loot she
Found found found.
Now the kids will eat
Munch munch munch.
They can have steak for
Lunch lunch lunch.
Soon Missy finds a new man
Love love love.
She feels their match was made
Above ‘bove ‘bove.
They dance they sing they
Spend spend spend.
Soon Missy’s fortune comes to an
End end end.
The boyfriend is suddenly
Gone gone gone.
Now he’s gotta pay for doing her
Wrong wrong wrong.
Missy gets a gun and shoots him
Bang bang bang.
He ends like Dexter the
Same same same.
Soon Missy is on the lam with 3
Kids kids kids.
Now Mama has to stay
Hid hid hid.
To make ends meet Missy robs a
Store store store.
It’s not enough so she goes back for
More more more.
But she’s caught and in a
Bind bind bind.
Now looks like Missy will do
Time time time.
Missy shoots herself
Dead dead dead.
Poor Missy blows off her pretty
Head head head.
The moral of this story is
This this this:
Guns are very dangerous.
Someone Shot Dexter, an inside account of the the event as told to a diary. Follow along the treacherous path as the accused attempts to bypass the law.