About the author
Chanchal is the pen name of the writer, of beautiful love story “simple boy”. He has written the world’s best theory after “The theory of everything” the “The theory of God” and is the writer of brilliantly crafted “Sophie’s Toys’ Club”.
He writes short stories on social issue like “The alcoholic man” and “The old man”. He has the article in his book’s library “Real criminal”, “Nature law” and letters based on terrorism and migration of Muslims “Letter from the Muslim boy”.
He is the writer of the article on his motherland “Incredible India”. Which defines his country.
“Sophie, come here, do work after sometime. First breastfeed the baby. See he is crying. He is hungry.
My little baby. Oooo ooo my little baby. Don’t cry, your mama is coming. See she is coming”.
He is so beautiful, isn’t Sophie? His smile is also beautiful. He smiles like you.
Hey my baby. Give some space for me also.
Oye oye, huhu. Ok Ok, first drink the milk. Then we will play.
Don’t see me like this. Otherwise I will fall in love with you again, Sophie. I know you like smile. I know you love me so much.
Falling in love is the beautiful experience of life. The life becomes full of dreams. Dreams which fly like a butterfly in the sky.
But sometime, love dreams become day dreams and then the love addiction. Addiction is dangerous for life, because do love more than enough makes the life miserable not beautiful.
where are going? Oh it is a bath time. Ok bring him back after Ram getting back. We will play together. This time you should join us.
I thought that I am alone now. But I am not. My best friend is here. Oh I am back, after a long time.
Ya, I am happiest man alive in this world. I am with my love my friend. My days’ sunshine like the sun and night twinkles like the star.
You know everything. How I get my love back in my love. You only were there with me.
Oh, let me tell you about my life. There were days which used to sunshine.
Old Days Which Used to Sunshine
The journey of my life is very long. But there is just Sophie’s name in every passing moment, and in uncountable seconds, will you Really want me to tell the story?
Old friend: ya, sure. I really want to know, tell me Aryan.
“Once upon a time a dream came. I cannot say that it was a dream because I was not sleeping that time. She was standing in front of me. That day when she rejected my proposal, and said she just wanted a friendship with me. That time everything was black out”.
That was a school day. she said these words after the school, when she called me at no. 2 gate”. “Then it came in my mind”.
“We will meet again in life, after few years, in some different place and then we will marry”.
She meets me after so many years. Now I get the time to sleep in her lap. I am getting so much rest after long time. Like an, old-school times.
It was my first day of school. I took the commerce. It was a new school because of my father’s transfer.
It was a normal day and everybody was strange. I did not know my bench that’s why I put my bag on one bench. Then I got the last bench when everybody came in the class after the prayer.
I shared the bench with the Shantanu a fat boy.
Then madam came and asked for my intro.
One thing was interesting of that school was, every student used to speak in English and I was weak.
Papa was in the Army, that’s why school bus used to come for bring me to school. When I reached home, mummy asked “how was the school?”. I said “good”.
I went the school next day, and my life never remained same after that day.
Teachers and students all they talked in English only. There was not even a Hindi subject. A country where more than 70 percentage people are Hindu. They did not have the Hindi subject.
I was the north Indian. It was not like that I was from the Hindi medium.
After completing my 10th from Panipat, I came to here Kolkata. Here people were Bengali, they only knew English and Bengali. But my native language was Hindi.
Because of the language, I was feeling strange there, like I was different from them. I was good in accounts and I was interested in economics too. But in English class, I became dumb.
I was feeling like I was different and I was not one of them.
Like I was alone in thousand people. I felt awkward. Whenever I saw the eyes of other students, I thought that they only thought about me. That was the different, if they did not. I thought, they thought I was rustic.
My bench mate Shantanu was the only friend of me. Maybe just because we spent the whole 1 year together on the same bench.
There was not that much talk with him also, but we sat together for 5 to 6 hours per day, so I can say we were friends.
One day it was an English period and madam was teaching the poem called blossom. I knew I was weak in English that’s why I was not seeing toward the madam.
But madam asked me “what is the meaning of blossom”. I was shivering because I did not know the meaning of Blossom. I remained silent.
I was the only one who was standing in the class. Everybody was watching me only. After few seconds’ madam told me the meaning of blossom “IT MEANS FLOWER”. Madam said to me that “always ask me if you don’t know something”.
I sat down after few minutes. I was feeling bad but what could I did.
Days were gone like these only. I just used to go school and come back home. I just wanted to play football all day. Games period was the only best thing of the school.
I did not like to go school. But I was helpless. I could not sit in the home. What would I tell to Mummy and Papa?
I was feeling bad to go school but what could I did. I had to go. I did not have the other option.
It was a lunch. I was sitting in my last bench. There was a three row, and mine was the right hand side one. There was a window beside my bench. I was waiting for the over of the lunch, so period would come and gone fast and then school would be over.
Then I felt that somebody was watching me, maybe a girl. Like, that girl was watching me from the door. I did not try to see her but I thought she was a girl. Then I changed my mind and did not think anything else.
After few days, again I was sitting on my last bench, this time I kept the book on the bench. I had to do the time pass somehow.
Then again, I felt that “a girl is seeing me”. First, I ignored her. Then again felt that she was seeing me. I tried to see her, but not directly. I saw that some girls were standing at the door of the class. I was thinking which girl was that. But I found nobody because nobody was seeing me.
So, I started to read the book again. Then I saw the girl’s feet, a girl was coming inside the class. But I did not try to see the face. I thought that any girl could come in the class. It was not a big deal.
I was doing the homework in home, but the same thing was coming in the mind again and again. “who was she?”.
I went to the school next day, but did not find anything like that any girl was seeing me secretly. So, I let this thought go.
There was a group of boys, they became friend of me. I roamed with them. Then it became easy for me to pass the time in school.
After few days, we all were sitting in the class in lunch time. Then one boy whose name was Sourav, said me that “there is a girl in a class who loves you”.
I remained silent. I thought he was joking with me. That’s why I did not think about it.
Again, one day I was sitting in my last bench in a lunchtime. I felt like somebody was seeing me. I tried to see, but I found few girls were standing at the door of the class. I was confused. Again, tried to stop thinking about this.
One day Sourav said that “there is a one girl in the class, who wants to do a friendship with you”.
That day I was just thinking all day “who is that girl, who is she, why she wants a friendship with me”.
One day Mohnish the other guy from the group said me “there is a girl in the class who loves you”. I was sitting quiet. I did not say anything. I did not have words. I never talked with anybody. Even I did not know the half of the class student’s names.
Next day again Mohnish said the same thing. Till that time, I did not know the girl. I knew nothing about her.
Days were going in thinking about her. “who was she?”.
Sports were going on in the school. School let us to go in the ground in the last two periods. Participants students were doing their practice there.
One day, Sourav said “Aryan, that girl wants to meet you today in the ground”.
It was a morning, when he said to me this. At first I was feeling scared. “why she wants to do friendship with me”.
I did not believe in those boys talk. But I was right that “somebody was there, who was seeing me”.
But what could I do. Nobody knew me in the class. After so many days, few became my friend. And now a girl was coming in my life. First time any girl wanted a friendship with me in my life. I was feeling little scared. I was not showing my emotions on my face. I was praying whole day in all period just keep chanting that “she should be beautiful. She should be beautiful. She should be beautiful”.
I was just keep praying to the god till I met her.
I was feeling for the last two months that a girl was seeing me.
I took my bag and started going with Sourav toward the ground. Two girls were standing half way of the ground. I was just about 100 meter away from them. I did not know that who was that girl among them. I could not see their face. They were talking to each other. I was nervous so I carried the bag on my left shoulder. Till that time, I did not see the girl’s face. I took few more steps toward her and loosen my tie and again took few more steps toward her. I reached almost there. They both joined us. Left side girl was behind the other girl. She was walking at the extreme left and I was at the extreme right.
My heart beat was beating fast by every second. Sometime I was seeing this side then other moment in other side. Just one thing was going in the mind “how she will be”. Tree were there on both side of the road. Sun was in a clear sky. Cold air was flowing in my ears. Then suddenly I heard the voice. “Aryan, see I don’t love you. Don’t go with these boys. Whatever they are saying, that is wrong. I just want friendship with you. Ok”.
At the same time, after seeing in her eyes. It looked like time has stopped. I did not know about anything. Not even about my heart and beat not even about the day. I was just seeing her. I never felt that way. Her lips were moving; she was saying something. I was becoming crazy by every second. Then we reached to the ground.
There was a lake in one side. We sat there.
And other classmates sat here and there. She told me her name “Sophie”. It was a winter and she was wearing the pink blazer. She took it out because of some change in weather.
And I was just looking her. I was shying but it was not stopping me to see her. She was so beautiful. I never saw this much beautiful girl before.
I was not saying anything just shying. I never sat with the girl before.
Then she started talking. She introduced me with other girls of the class and her friends. Her first friend was Aradhna, second was Dimple.
I was just thinking about Sophie. She kept saying and I was just watching her.
Then I said bye to her after the school.
I reached home and lay on the bed. I was not having any feeling about, what happened with me today.
Before this day, I had the dreams in front of my eyes. But those dreams were of football. But that day dreams of love were flowing in my eyes. I was dreaming about the Sophie. I was losing myself in her eyes. Sophie was everywhere, she was in front of my eyes. I did not know, what was happening with me and that also after just one meeting.
That day was different. I never felt that type before in my life.
Next day, Sourav told me “Sophie comes from the other side of the school”. I went with him there. I was waiting for her. First time in my life for a girl.
After five minutes, I saw her coming. It was early morning, and she was looking like an angel in the grey skirt and white shirt with pink blazer. She was coming toward me and I was scaring more and more. I was trying to hide my feelings. I could not, but my heart started beating fast.
She came and I said Hi to her. I did not see in her eyes. She said hi too. I wanted to spend time with her but I could not speak anymore word.
I said hi to her after the school also. I was feeling bad. I was feeling like I did not have any power to do. Then she went home.
I was a shy boy. And first time in my life, I was not liking it.
I talked never before with the girl. May be because of this, I had the problem in speaking.
I always tried different ways to talk with her.
But every day I waited for her in the morning. I thought she is the most beautiful girl of this world.
One day I was on my bench during the lunch time, then Sophie came and said “Aryan”. I shy little and said “Hi”. Sophie came and sat beside me. We both remained quiet for few minutes. Then after some time, she only started talking. we talked to each other about our parent.
Sophie told me that her dad is in a bank. She came from the Kanpur city after doing 10th. She had a brother who is just 3-year-old and her mom is housewife. I told her that I come from the Panipat and my father is in Indian Army and mom is housewife.
First time ever I was sitting with a girl. First time ever I talked with a girl. We laughed too.
During the conversation, Sophie told her friend Anuradha “Aryan’s smile is lovely”. I was feeling happy.
I said hi to her after the school and we both went to our home.
“when somebody fall in love, then he starts to do bullshit things”.
I also did. I used to wait for her, every day. Sometimes I reached late to the morning prayer, those days when she did not come to school.
One day she was absent, that’s why I was not feeling well. Then Mohnish gave me the Sophie’s number.
I called Sophie after reaching home.
Love is strange, First I was eagerly waiting to talk to her, then when she picked the phone, I started feeling little scary. What she would say?
“Sophie picked the phone and I asked her “why you did not come today?”. She said she was not feeling well”.
We did not talk more, but I was feeling light and feeling happy too.
I just wanted to see her to spend all day without doing anything.
Few days ran like this.…………and one day I was feeling like, it is the best time to say “I love her”.
I was fearing.
I met her in school canteen, in library and some time in school ground. But I did not have guts to say her.
One day Sophie called me after the school. she said “I just wanted a friendship with you. there is nothing like love”.
I stood there for few minutes, and was thinking “why she said me this”.
“Suddenly I could not see anything, everything was black in front of my eyes. few words came in my mind. We will meet again after few years, after the graduation. And then we will marry”.
I got to know next day that, friends said to her that “Aryan loves you”.
From that day, I stopped talking with her. Why she said those things to me. It would be good, if I would say anything to her. But that was wrong.
I felt bad because I did not say anything to her. So why she said these things to me.
I stopped every contact with her. Because when there was nothing between us, why would I meet her or talk to her.
One day Mohnish came and asked me, “Why you stop talking with her”. I did not say anything.
One day she did not come school. So her friend Anuradha asked me “ why you don’t talk to her”. I said “just like that”.
One day it was a games period. I was sitting there. Sophie came and sat there too. After few minutes, she said “I will marry to Sourav”.
She was teasing me. I knew it. I thought she wanted me to feel bad. So, I could start talking to her.
Days went like a water. And final exam over soon. But I got back (failed in exam) in my English subject. I again gave the exam. But they failed me again. Through this I failed in 11th class.
I went to the principal office for a talk. I told madam that “I am good in other five subjects. Then you fail me just because I am weak in one subject and because of one subject, it will be wrong to repeat the same class again”.
But she said “repeat again and do hard work and you will get good marks”.
It was a worst day of my life. I reached home. I told my mom and dad that I failed. First they felt bad but they only told me “forget it. everything will be good”.
I joined the same school and went to the same class, but students were different.
I felt bad, whenever I remembered that day. Some days I saw the Sophie also in morning prayers.
Once there was an economics test. We both were sitting on same bench.
I only knew how I spent those three hours. …………. only I knew.
Sometime I saw her here and there. last time I saw her in farewell. She was in a black sari. She was looking beautiful.
I knew it was her last day in school. I wanted to say something to her. But there were other students too. I did not have that much guts to say “how much I love her”.
I wanted to say her “I love her so much”. But I did not say her.
Then I completed my 11th and 12th from that school and went to Saharanpur because of papa’s transfer.
I was standing in Howrah station. Train had to go. but I was thinking “She will come” and meet me.
“She will come. How? that I don’t know, but she will come”.
But she did not come that day.
I was leaving Kolkata. I did not want to. I even did not know that “Sophie was in Kolkata or not”.
It was beautiful city. Lovers of football were everywhere. And I also liked the football. I never played so much football before. It’s lifestyle, tram, Durga puja, Metro and the college Street. weather was different, rain could come anytime. It was amazing feeling to play football in the rain.
I had many memories. I fell in love here only. I was remembering the day, when I first met the Sophie. For her I, could wait my whole life.
so, three years was nothing for me.
The Unknown Dream
I came from Kolkata. I always remembered Sophie, all the time. It was worst feeling to love somebody and when that someone is not with you.
But that was intuition or love. I did not know. But I felt that was in my blood. Like it was in my heart and it beat just because of it. Those words and Sophie were always with me. That never went away for a second.
I was afraid of losing her. That’s why I did not went for college. I filled the form of private in Meerut (My cousin lived there). I did not want to college and distracted myself. I only liked Sophie. I wanted to love her.
I did not want to think anything except Sophie.
I always kept her near to me. I never let her to go away from me. You know that. Those… those…. those…… nights and those days, in whom only I kept Sophie. She was only friend of me.
‘And you see everything from your eyes”.
First time, when Sophie came near to me, so close, do you remember?
“How are you Sophie?”. Why you are standing so far away. So many years goes away without seeing you Sophie. Now you meet me. …. why you are standing so far away from me. Come near to me. I want to hug you.
Sophie, never leave me alone again. Please hug me tight. Now leave with me, here only, near to me. Now let me sleep Sophie. I cannot wait anymore. and never leave me again.
My life was in dreaming the Sophie only.
I did not feel good without thinking about her. I did not like to see others, in the morning when I used to go for jogging. so many other thoughts would not come in my mind. I just wanted Sophie. I only thought about her, all the time. I always thought, what I will do when I will meet Sophie.
Always, I spoke with her. Start always happened with “How are you Sophie?”. I met her. Like I met her first time. I talked to her like I will do after meeting her. I hugged her. I lay on her laps.
I felt every moment, in which I did not think about.
“A place, there was a long grass on the ground and long trees and trees branches were flowing in the air by air. There was a mountain in front. And moon lights were coming on me. I was standing on the grass naked foot. An angel was standing in front of me. She wore the white dress and had the wand on her hand. She said to me “you will get whatever you want in your life from this world and in this world.”
It was a night. I woke up suddenly. I saw here and there, but did not find anybody. But who was she? I always asked this question to myself. I was taking long breath. I saw outside of the window, but did not find anybody there too. This dream came after a long time.
“She said always one thing that, I will get whatever I want in this life from this world and in this world”. I want only Sophie. my love Sophie, I don’t think anything other than this and I don’t want anything else.
That means I will meet Sophie. Maybe soon.
“Sophie, you are my love. Life is waste without you. I cannot even think about living life without you. I always dream about and goes to sleep only by dream about you. I just want you Sophie. I have only one dream. but it is incomplete. come soon Sophie, and complete it. Sophie, it is difficult to live now. I just have few dreams, which come as a supporter in the life, so I can think about you and take the breath and live. I am alive just for you. I live every moment for you Sophie. I am waiting for you and I will do. We get only one life. Life is nothing just a waste if we don’t live with that person, whom we love”.
“But I cannot bear this anymore. Sometime in alone, I feel that this heart is weeping. Like something falls from the heart. I think it is tears. Your shadow is in every drop. In every black night, there is dream of you. reminiscence of you in every moment. They are the supporter of my life. But I want to live with you Sophie not with your dreams. I will helpless these walls. Even Stone becomes the god by worship them. So, If I will tell this wall your name every day, and every moment, it will become helpless to send to me”.
Now everyday was becoming difficult for living. By waiting, it was looking like, someone was taking my breath away from me. I did not heed of months not even of days. I heard in the market that, Diwali is coming.
But I did not feel like to enjoy it, did not feel like the festival. Everybody was enjoying, smiling and bursting fireworks. But my world was somewhere else.
That day also passed like other day, just in thinking of, how would be Diwali if there would be Sophie, both bursting crackers, Lighting the lamp and sit beside it.
In that much noise, my world was quiet. in the light, my world was dark. Although I was with my family who loved me, still I did not have love in my life. I did not know, how many more days I had to wait. Still many days were left for the graduation.
Now end of year was running. And I gained some wait. Those days were far away when I used to play football for long hours.
On new year day, I just said “Happy new year” to mom and dad and sat down in my room. that was the wonderful place. There I always talked with Sophie.
I entered, closed the door. And “how are you Sophie? Are you alright? Do you remember me? Don’t forget me. I am coming. Your picture is in my eyes, in which you are in school dress. Curly hair and lovely eyes on the smiling face. I still remember that day, Sophie hide me in your lap. love me Sophie. I want to see myself in your eyes. And I do not want to live empty in night, anymore. I want to live with you. Sophie, hold my hand and come with me. Never leave me”.
There were tears in my eyes. I knew there were nobody with me. Doing just to satisfy myself. But it looked good. I was angry, but anger was falling through tears. I knew the reality, but was unbearable. “Sophie Hi Hi Hi Hi Hi Hi Hi Hi aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…………. come close. Are you ok? Hmm, just like that Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Hahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa……Sophie Let me sleep on your lap….put me to sleep… ya just like that. …just like that……….Happy new year Sophie. Thanks for wishing me”.
I was again needed lonely moments. Everybody was sleeping in the afternoon. I went in the drawing room, I went and stood, and slowly began to talk to Sophie. Many hours had gone to talk to her. “Sophie, how are you? You were missing. How are you? You are okay. I wait so much for you. Do not go back now. Sophie embrace me. Don’t stand far from me. Hug me. Let me sleep in your arms. We will always be together, will never separate. Will stay somewhere alone. Just in each other’s arms. Separate from this world.”
After a while it felt a bit useless. Let’s once again started to think. Like I am going to meet Sophie. Sophie is in college. “I went in college and Found Sophie. She came here for studying. I saw her on the 1st floor of the college. I first her saw and recognize her. Initially she did not see me and has gone straight. Then she turned and looked me. After a while, come to me. She smiled a little. I too. I said hi. She said hi too. How are you Sophie. She said, she is fine. We meet after a long time. she shook her head…. I asked her, is all well? She said ya everything is fine. We were quiet for a while and looked to each other. After a while, she said, you love me but cannot say. has come and hug me”. I hugged her too. There were tears in her eyes.” you made me to wait many days. Now live with me and don’t ever let me live again alone”.
Then I walked in the room and lay down. There was still a smile on my face and her face was in thought.
I was bored with the old stories now. Then I thought of how I am going to meet her, in what way. Where, in which city.
She was in college in Meerut. She was going out. I saw her. She could not see me. Sophie sat in the car and was gone. It was my college and I went for asking the exam date sheet.
Next day I went back to college. And I was finding her. Tired of losing and sat down on ground. Some of the sounds heard. Some girls were sitting nearby. But I could not see one girl properly. She said something. That sound was seemed to be familiar. Looked back and she was Sophie. I watched her. Girls were talking about boys. Girls were asking her, why she does not have a boyfriend? She shied little and said just like that. Then they asked again. Sophie gave the same reply. Girls said, you are shying, maybe you have someone. She shied again. But did not said anything.
I felt good to hear. Her eyes were on me after a while. Sophie saw me then saw the other side. Then she looked at me. After a while, she came to me. And said, Aryan? I just spoke “hmm”. Sophie came and sat close. “After a long time to meet, Aryan”.
I said “hmm quite days”. She asked “Do you study here?”.
I said “hmm doing private not a regular graduation”.
She said “I did not know; we would meet this way”. I was watching her and she was watching me.
I asked her “Sophie, you are fine”.
Sophie said “Hmm I am fine”.
Sophie was looking at me, maybe because we met after a long time. There were tears in her eyes. We understood each other’s point. I hugged her. Hold her tight. “don’t go again, Sophie, I cannot wait anymore”.
“Sophie, how are you? Stay with me just like that. I am so handsome too. I speak English also. I have also learned English. Now you do not go away ever Sophie. Sophie hug me. Just like that. Hmm just like that”.
It was my fantasy, hated reality. So in reality, was to meet on Sophie. I was confused.
Exams were coming. I went to Meerut, (my cousin brother, Ravi lived there), I filled the form of graduation from there. I bought few books. But I did not have mood to study. Read how?
I brought CD player. so, could watch movies after studying. I was not fond of watching movies, but did not get anything else. We asked to the shopkeeper, “what are the good movies?”. He told us few movies name. we said “give us two good movies”. He gave us Titanic and Gladiator.
Went home and put the Titanic. It was good in starting. A little later came a love scene. We were just looking at that. That love scene was in a car. There was a vintage car in ship. Our eyes were on the scene. We did not know, when uncle (Ravi’s father) came and stood behind. As we saw them, he shouted “mother fuckers”. What do you people keep it tuned. See things that are filthy dirty, you bastards. Unworthy.
We both ran out and stood in the balcony. He came to pick something, took it and went reviling. After going him, we entered the room directly. We rewind the movie, so we could see the scene again.
Ravi: Papa spoiled the mood. What was a scene.
I said: Please rewind back, quickly.
Ravi: I am doing.
I said: You know, I felt like, there was somebody, because I was seeing the shadow.
Ravi: Ya I thought too. But I was busy in watching the scene.
I said: Ya, uncle was keen too in watching the scene. He was just standing and did not say anything to us, till we felt him.
Ravi: hahahhahahaha. Right speaking.
I said: hahahahahahahaha put on the movie.
Picture took over. Man truly, movies is something to see. What was the picture. I had never seen such a picture, awesome.
Later we knew that, the picture we were watching. It released in 1998. What we were doing for all these years.
Was very lovely picture. And that word too “never let go”. And the song was awesome “my heart will go on”.
After a long time, we did this evening outing. Picture was good. We were discussing about the movies only. Evening was looking good. The sun seemed beautiful in evening. But all this was on for a while. I wanted to go home again. I was missing Sophie.
Entered the room and closed the door. “hi, Sophie. How are you? Long time, I am tired now. How far you have gone. Never go away again, Sophie”.
Ravi was outside. I opened the door and asked, “what happened”. He said “let’s come, we will watch movie”.
We watched the second picture, gladiator.
We watched many films in the middle of the exams like, True lies, Aviator, basketball diary. Leonardo was the favorite Actor.
I gave all exams. Holidays were now. But for me, the whole year was the holiday.
Now I used to sit in my room and dream about Sophie. To think, that I will meet the Sophie in college. “she is sitting in the college ground. Boys are playing football. Sophie’s friends are sitting with her too. I went the college for some work. Thought shall see a little football. Some noise was coming from a distance. It felt like I have been heard before. After a while, they started walking. I also think I am walking behind them. One girl’s face was looking like the Sophie. She was standing alone outside the class. Her friend was standing with her boyfriend. I stood a little distance away. “Sophie does not make boyfriend”. One of his friend told a boy. Who asked her for a friendship with Sophie.
Sophie eyes were on me. She started to see me ignore. “She looks at me again. I am watching her. I go to her. She is waiting me to come. I am standing next to her. She says, why did you take so long? where were you all these years? and comes, and hugs me. I grabbed her tightly”.
“I just want love, just love”.
“sophie sophie sophie sophie sophie sophie sophie sophie sophie sophie sophie Wait for me, I am coming”.
Movies only lasted for a few days, unless there were exams. No longer a movie. There was one movie only, in which, I was and my dream and my dreams. I was walking along which. After exams, I came back home.
I saw other boys and girls. Everybody was happy. Put hands in each other’s hand. Did not look good.
I had long hair at the end of the 1st year. I looked handsome too. I used to go out and did not see the girls. “This happens very less, that a boy does not see the girl”. I wanted to be right boy and faithful. I was a good boy, handsome boy, no drink never. Had smoke sometime only. These days, girls use to smoke and drink.
So, there was no problem. But it would not the right. Feel bad that I am not with Sophie. I knew, everything is possible in this world. It is possible, if want to.
I had to control. So not to see anywhere. The became the habit. I smoked some time so I did not get used to of it. It was not a good thing.
One day, Ravi asked to drink a beer. those day, he used to do new things every day. He said “half you half me”. I said “ok”.
We took one Rupee bicycle. It means, one rupee for one hour on rent. Rule was, I would run the bicycle from this side. Ravi would from that side. We went far away from home. First, we reached the market. Then seen here and there. I took the beer and put it in the t-shirt. We arrived where were lots of trees. We parked the bicycle and went inside. Ravi opened a beer. he took two sips. Then I took two sips. Like this we drunk the beer. Now It was Ravi’s turn. I thought, cycle was running correct. but maybe because I was drunk. We went to the room and sat down quietly.
So, uncle did not know. Then we drunk again, one day, now one each. We drunk beer only occasionally. Ravi used to speak only one thing after drink. “Hmm speaking right”. “Hmm speaking right”.
Result came. I was passed. But it did not matter. Now just a few days later had to fill the form of 2nd year.
1st year was now also gone. Two years left, according to the intuition.
I had only one work. Just keep the Sophie with me, by anyway. Just that was only my dream, ambition too.
By remembering her, I kept her to myself. I did not let her ever go away from me.
May meet in college, I became bore with this. I thought papa mummy know her. We were kid in school time so when we both would become young then they will let us to meet.
“I had finished my graduation. Papa was transferred to Delhi. Then after few days, a family came to live in our neighborhood. A few days later they came on dinner. Uncle aunty came with a girl. I came from the outside. At first I, did not recognize her. But she turned out be Sophie. I did not understand. But after a while, papa mummy said “son you two were young at that time, so we thought you would be studied and become the guy. So later when you both done the graduation. We will let you both to meet”.
Sophie was sitting on the couch. I go to her. She is standing. She comes near me. We see each other and then hug. After many days, had gone. We were happy. Were all happy “.
This took almost half an hour. I was tired. My mind too seemed a bit of overwhelming. Then I fell asleep. After a little sleep, I woke up and looked around, then was in reality again. Sophie had gone too far. I stood and looked at the wall.
I meet her in Delhi in CP. She stood there. I came Delhi for shopping. My cousin brother worked in Delhi. I came to him.
“I got her in PVR Rivoli. She was alone. After some time, her friends joined her. I was watching her. After some time, her friend’s boyfriend said “my friend wants to do friendship with Sophie”. But Sophie said, she is not interested. Sophie’s friend said, she is like that. After a while, her friends went here and there. She was standing alone. She was looking at me. He recognized me in first sight. She came running towards me and hugged me. We understood each other “.
I was in myself. I was feeling happy. Sophie was with me and I was with her.
Whenever I used to miss Sophie, I started to remember her. It was my habit. Sophie was my habit. By dreaming about her and old days, I think if it was a thing of yesterday.
I went for filling the 2nd year’s form. I was seeing the Sophie there. Maybe I should get her there. Where I went, I looked for her but did not find her.
After a few days had a call from mom, “come home”. I asked Ravi to come with me and he agreed.
I was missing the Sophie. Day by day, I started to think more and more about the Sophie. Now I would not have had to wait. Sometimes I was also angry. Sometimes I shouted too, but did not get anything.
“I stood and looked at the wall. I thought I am going to meet mama papa. Ravi and I was sitting in the train. Some voice was coming from the back seat. One Aunty was saying about Sophie. Ravi knew about the Sophie. He said in joking, “maybe she is talking about her”. In train at night after dinner, when I went for washing the hands. A girl was coming from there. At first, she did not see me. But after a while, she looked back to me. She recognized me. There was good understanding between us. She came close to me and said Aryan? I said hmm. I am Aryan. She asked “where are you going”. I said “home”. She asked “are you studying in Meerut?”. I said “yes”. We see each other for a while.
I said “how are you?” She said “ya I am fine”. I asked her “now what you think about us”. After staying for a while she said “if you have something, why not you say something and she embraced”. I embraced her too. And Said that “I love you Sophie”. My wait was over. I was feeling good”.
Whenever I imagined about her in story, I felt like “I come out of the furnace”, very hot. I was also sparked broke. I did not have the patience. Whenever I felt like, I am far away from Sophie. I started to dream about her. I knew how to join myself. After this, I had gone to sleep. neither was able to feel much nor understand anything. Was a bit intoxicated, intoxication.
“Love addiction can be this much; I did not know it”.
Now I did not feel anything. I just wanted Sophie. I did not have pain of any other thing. I just wanted Sophie for living the life. Talks to her, only kept me alive. I had to stay alive for my love.
That is not love, if you lost it in the air, after girl lefts you. Which could be forgotten. Love is for one. So, has the desire in heart, Sophie comes to returning. If someone views, would have shaken. Not like this, just take out few tears and after few days find another girl.
We get only one life. If love happens, we have to live in this world with our love. There is no other world. Or next birth or last birth, all waste. If you love someone, live with her only. Otherwise what will be the difference between animals and you. The joy of living in your dream is something else. At least I will not say this, that I don’t get the Sophie because of the god or because of the luck. I believed in trying to be. One life one love one heart and one dream.
In every moment, I wanted to live with Sophie. I remember that day. The day we met. Duck floating on the pond and Sophie was sitting beside. Her curly hair had come on her forehead. Her eyes were like a clean water. Sophie laughed and life became beautiful.
“Sophie, I cannot live without you. I want you just like a clean water. In which, I shall see myself. Sophie, I shaped you in every moment. And I will shape you in every coming moment”.
Every moment my youth is going away from me. Everything smile on me. Every moment is going, which will not return. But in the coming years, I will live with you, Sophie, just with you. Put the head in your lap. I will sleep.
You are my sweet little girl. I will love you. By loving you in every moment, I keep you in every heartbeat, Sophie.
In Sophie’s love, I was living a life.
I did not have anything for talk, because did not have anything in life. Only had the dreams. But then also I used to think, how I will meet Sophie. What will speak to her? When the first time I meet her. What time will it be?
Like after graduation, I will come to Delhi. Sophie will be in Delhi. She will be doing the course after graduation. She will be sitting in her class. I will be there. She will be doing MBA. She will be sitting with her friend. Arrrrrrrr, hmmm.
Again, I did not like this story. I was not getting anything. That day, I was much in reality. I was just shaking my head. Like I did not have anything in my hand. sometime I draw bad sheets and sometime angered with myself. I knew how to scream without voice. Looked like had nothing control of my life. As someone has stopped breathing. Slapping hands on the walls. Now I could not wait any longer. See drawing on the wall. “the dreamer is finding the road on empty wall”.
Sophie was not on the wall. Sometimes it seemed like it was wrong way. But what was the way? Sometime I felt that if I would not know the English. Now she does not hate me. Used to read English newspaper, looked for words whose meaning I did not know and remembered them.
After a while, seemed not to mind, I started to dream about Sophie. Now I did not know what the hell was going on. Thought will not talk to her today, but was repeatedly going toward her. Nobody was there to stop me.
“Hi Sophie, how are you? You are fine isn’t. Sophie, Day by day it is becoming hard and hard to wait. You meet after a long time. Never leave me again, nowhere. Let me sleep in your arms. Ya like this, I will not let you leave again”.
Sophie said “never Aryan, never again. I will live with you only, forever”.
Ya, now it was right. I put back on the wall and looked out. Now my brain too had been heated. I was a bit tired. Eyes became heavy. There was a smile on my face. Was intoxicated, but without drugs.
Around two years had passed. Around this much time was left to meet with Sophie. By dreaming about Sophie all the time, I was bringing time in my fist. That day was near to me, my dream day, like had already seen that time, had already feel that day. That intuition and that word were clinging my mind and in my heart. Addiction is the small word. I did not know what was that, I never found the word. After wake up in every morning, it was just Sophie’s name on the tongue and face in the eyes. And at the time of sleep, it was just the Sophie’s face in front of me and I used to sleep in her lap in a dream. I know when someone dwell in the body. I realized, when someone was flowing in my veins. I knew pain of living life for someone.
It was just Sophie in my life. I did not like anybody else. My life was silent, like a Stillwater. After a few days, I thought “let’s go talk in English”. I subscribed “The Week” (weekly magazine) magazine. It used to come every week, but one day late. My postman was useless, unworthy, I told him to bring at the right time. But every time he had the excuses.
I read the complete magazine. I affixed the good articles to the wall. I was learning something. Sometimes I found the sex articles, I read them but never thought anything bad about the Sophie. I wanted my love completely clean and clear. Like a morning, fresh and clean.
When I go out. I never tried to see the girls. They called me a right boy. And they called a shy boy too. Because I never showed any interest in the girls and did not talk too much with them. Sometimes I had seen the photo of Britney spears sometime Madonna’s or else Paris Hilton’s or else Anna Kournikova’s. But I never tried to think bad about Sophie. Sophie was so beautiful. Or I made her so different by loving her so much. There is no like our parents. Because there is no one, who can love more than them. I think I was right.
Now Sophie was the need at the time of jogging and the walking too. It was difficult to live without her memories. That’s why I used to talk less. Because I openly saw the dream, whole day. Story was always moving. Sometime I goes out, and the story (how I will meet Sophie) remains in the middle, somehow, then I run to the home to complete the story.
“Sophie, come close, give a hug. Ya like that, hug tightly. Now never left me again. It feels so bad, waiting is difficult. Now we will stay together forever”.
Now it was good. Eyes were heavy, and brain was hot. I felt good in this world. The outside world was bad. Every time, I had come to this world. I was happy in this world.
I created this world, and it was beautiful. I saw Sophie in all the sights. I saw the other girls, but only because she might be Sophie. Till that I did not get a single hint about the Sophie.
I just knew this much, that I will get Sophie after the graduation. But I could not wait. I was continuing to try. So, the time came for Diwali. But what was my Diwali. Diwali Holi was all one. There was no connection with these things.
Just said happy Diwali to Sophie. And wondered how to celebrate the Diwali with Sophie. “Sophie and I will be there. Burn a lamp in the house, many. Would have love in home. We will be together, then the world will be ours”.
Now I was talking in English with Sophie, loved those days. Read the magazine too. I cut the articles and put at the walls. And always tried to remember difficult words. But one thing always bothered me, that was how I will meet with Sophie and where. Because this world is so big.
I thought that, it should make the story on that places, where I will go after my graduation. May be Sophie will meet me there. Like I will do the MBA after graduation. So, Delhi and Noida will be the best places. I had only two places. And I knew that I would go in these two places.
Now it was that time, when wherever I was. It was necessary for me to talk with Sophie in my dreams. If I came out, I started feeling bad, like I am missing something. Then I used to try to go home early, in order to talk to Sophie. I entered the room, looked the wall and I began. Everything like wall, table, bed inspires me to talk. It looked like they all became my friend. I thought everybody was watching me. I used to think that everybody was looking at me. I thought, they were telling me to dream my love. Only this used to be in that room. My eyes were moist. There was Sophie, just ahead of my eyes. Sophie’s is standing in my waiting. I go to her and say Hi. She does not see me first, then she turns back to look me. she looks at me with love as if just waiting for me. I go to her, I don’t know which power is that, we always recognize each other’s feelings. We understand that we made for each other. She has the tears of distance. I clean her tears and hug her, say “never go again Sophie. Now onward stay this much close to me”.
I only knew the meaning of love and how to love someone.
But what happened in Christmas nobody thought of that. Ravi was happy. He bought a gift for his girlfriend Puja. But Ravi himself got a gift, and that was very different. Ravi called her in the market, so he could give her the gift, but she did not come for three four days. He asked some friends who lived in the Puja’s lane. They said she is not in home. We were sitting in a market. It was around eight o’clock in evening. A boy came and said that, a girl is caught with a boy outside her lane only. They both were in a car. People caught them naked. They both were sitting there in car due to dim light. And lane was her only. After some time, a boy came and speaks “bro you sweetheart caught up outside her lane naked with a boy in a car, there were condoms too. Then that boy was gone. Ravi and I sat on the roof.
He was smiling. I was surprised. He said “she was fool. I knew it. One-day A boy told me about her, that she was roaming with someone. But I did not believe him”. He did have the pain. It was looking like it. But maybe He was hiding his hurt. But he had pain. I knew it. I could understand it.
Next day few more things came out. What we heard yesterday, they all were right. We heard this too that, Puja’s father beat her. But after few days, on new year. She was roaming like nothing happened. She did not see the Ravi in the market. Even Ravi did not try to see her.
Sophie, “Happy new year Sophie”.
Now I wanted to do something else. Now I just did not satisfy with talking only.
One day I stood, went towards the wall and “Hi Sophie, how are you? I am missing you a lot. Come to me”. She started walking with me. I hold the Sophie’s hand and told her, let’s go away somewhere. She was seeing in my eyes. Sophie and I come out where there were just we.
Somebody was outside. Uncle was calling me. I opened the door. “let’s come and eat”. I called the Ravi too. we both went for the dinner. But there was Sophie only in my mind and the story, like we had been away. But I was eating too. I did not want to. But I was hungry too. If anyone spoke to me, I just said “Hmm Hmm”. Those stories were roaming in my mind. I wanted to speak with Sophie after that meeting. I wanted to be with her. After taking the dinner, without wasting anytime, I went to my room, and locked the door and stood in front of the wall.
“Sophie, sit with me, sit with me. Be in front of my eyes. It’s a long time to see you. Be there with these eyes. Come close to me. Come into my arms. Now never go away from me, Sophie. Waiting is very bad. I know it. Distance is a bad thing, Sophie”.
It was 26th January, republic day. I brought a kite. I flown kite after a long time. But were cut off. Small children were smart. Where would be, my kite was. I set the Sophie’s name on it.
I read in the newspaper that Valentine day is coming. Heart shaped balloon were hanging everywhere in the market. Crowds of boys and girls were there. There was the flowers shop. Boys and girls were going for a date. I was feeling bad inside. That “my Sophie is not with me”.
It stung me, after seeing them. Boys used to bring girls by holding their hands, that was not their love. They left them after some months. Today’s era was something era. I knew what I was doing, it was very difficult to do.
“If Sophie would be with me, I moved with her between the mountains, in the night between the full moon, fire in the middle and sit in her lap and listen the song, let me be your hero”.
“Somebody laid down their eyes in the middle of stars under the moonlight. He shaped you in every passing moment. Ask his younger days, he just squandered on you”.
“I will write your name in every coming moment, Sophie. If death will come, my last word will be your name, Sophie”.
“I am hungry for love. Just say a single word and I will name my life for you, Sophie. I will knit you in every particle. Take me to knit in your arms and I will keep you in my body”.
“Come Sophie, and make this heartbeat one, today”.
“Sophie, Love will dissolve in this world, if one strand of my blood will be swept away from my body on this world”.
“I have only love for you in my heart, Sophie, calling you by every heartbeat. Have the tears in the eyes, but you are not with me, have a night in the heart, I am waiting for you Sophie. “Happy Valentine day, Sophie, let me sleep in your arm, Sophie”.
I already thought, that I will marry her after meeting her. Papa Mummy will also agree with me. My mom is nice. She just wants a good girl to come in the house. Everything was good, but here was just lack of good time, which would come soon.
By the way, every day was a Valentine day for me. I read the magazine regularly. Now my English was also improving. Reading and memorizing the words were doing the job. It was my responsibility to make myself good.
In the waiting for my love, many years passed. Now I started to read the newspaper in the bathroom also. I was using every minute to improve myself. Now I did to listen other people and understand them. I did not have time for these things. After few days, I brought the books of 2nd years exams. But I could not read them. Just I only knew one word, Sophie”.
“Hi Sophie, how are you? I am missing you a lot. Where are you? Remember me. By the way, I am coming, Sophie. Just little time left. Then we will lie together”.
I did not like that story. I was not satisfied. “Hi Sophie, how are you? After a long time. Do you know? You don’t change a bit. You have same curly hair. Same deep eyes, in which I see myself. Same face and same feeling. Same heartbeat. See, I am also the same, Aryan. You are my childhood love. I could not forget it. You don’t also forget it, isn’t? There was something in those words, that’s why they said, wait for you, and that this world will meet again in another turn. From where these words came. See we meet today. Don’t cry Sophie. I cried a lot. I cried of my share and your share also. Now these days are for smile, so smile, Sophie. Come and hug me. See now I don’t shy too. See don’t cry. Now we both become young. Now we can live together. There is no need to live separately”.
Now I was good. But had tears in my eyes. I was alone there and had Sophie in the dream. Had Sophie in the heart and mind. Had Sophie in memories and in the arms. But did not have even the shadow of Sophie in reality. I lay down, now my mind was not going anywhere else. My mind was like coming out from furnace. It was so hot. It did not have power to think and understand anything. After some time, my body dried.
Have you in the eyes, Sophie. I will keep you there for a lifetime. I have loved you, get thee. Where ever I see, you have seen, Sophie. Day and night become one for me.
I have loved you. It is an intoxication of wanting you and I intoxicated every day.
Today I did too much. I went with Ravi brother in the back side of the lane. There was a plot and trees too. And had the place for sitting in outside. We sat there with one each cigarette. It was evening. It was fun. Today I smoked with relax. Today I felt like I needed it.
It was evening and enjoying every puff between the cold waves. If it would be rain, then had more fun. but how would to pray for it. My only pray was for the Sophie.
Today I felt like she was calling me. I was happy. I did not know, why. Had the smile on my face, but did not know, why. But remembered that I was just like that, cool. Having fun with every moment. Rides in my own tunes. Always smiling and happy.
I was remembering how was I and how I am now. Time never stops for anyone. But today I felt like how I was in reality. “I was squandering my youth. Who will never come back. Had faith in coming time. That Sophie will bring the new morning with herself”.
Went home. After taking bath I sat on the bed. I used to think that, as much as I think, remember her, the more I keep her with myself and equally sooner she will come. And the more, she will remain mine. That’s why I left the rest of the world. “the world was so beautiful as before, just my world was elsewhere”.
“tears sound like salt in tasting, don’t know how many people’s tears are flowing in the ocean”.
“Today again I felt like, this is my first day in this world, like Today only I learn to fly. had come flying in the sky, like bird wants to kiss the sky. Where there is a spirit of ours. And bring the ours spirit in my body”.
Today I took a new way, like a flowing water. I was just flowing. And this world was giving me the ways. Flowing tears were dry after a few moments. I was just flowing. Toward the milestone, which was not have any address. I did not want to reach there, just wanted to flow like this. A few moments later merge in to the ocean. In which I was flowing, got to know that was not a water, it was my tears, just came to flow with my folks. Ocean gave me the depth. Gave me the place to my tears and pain. Flowing, I passed miles away. But sometimes comes on the edges, it feels like the first day in this world. Like today only I learn to fly. had come flying in the sky, like bird wants to kiss the sky. Where there is a spirit of ours. And bring the ours spirit in my body”.
“Unless you were not in the memories, heart also did not start to beat”.
“Hi Sophie, how are you? After a long time. Where you were all these times? Leave it. Come close. Do not you recognize me? I am Aryan. Come close Sophie. Ya I know that you have also waited long. Don’t cry. Ya hug me. Now we will never separate again. Promise me, Sophie”.
“haaa………..haaaaaaaaaaaa. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. What I can say. Today I came in reality. I knew this, whatever I was doing, that was wrong. Through this at least I could be with her. But today it was not working “.
I tried it again. “Hi Sophie, you made me to wait long. After many years. Now I am feeling like I cannot live more. That time you have come. Why are you standing far away? Your face is telling. I can read your eyes. You are upset. Now don’t worry. Now we will not live separately. We will live together like night remains with the moon. I will keep you with myself forever, close to the heart. Come and hug me. I want to live with you my friend. Hide me in your arms from this world. I just want you, just you. Hmm let me sleep in your lap, Sophie. Ya like that only. I want to sleep. Ya just like that, Sophie, ya just like that, Sophie. ya like that”.
Aah now I am feeling good. It was dark in room but who wanted to watch. I dreamed with open eyes. I was watching what I wanted to watch.
I did not know why; it was looking like I had my life in that room only. I did not like any other place which could satisfied me. Here were my memories, my laugh, cry, sing, stare, speaking, everything was there. There was all. I was there and my memories too. With which I had lived. Whether bus or train or a road or any place outside. I wanted to made this place.
“I want to knit every place with your memories. Whether it be a temple or church. I want to shape you in every particle, Sophie”.
Holi came. I went to the home. I did not know anyone there. I wanted to enjoy it. One or two family came in our house. I was thinking, how I would make the Holi with Sophie. We would be married. We would play Holi with mom and dad. Would have the small family. I have set up the dreams. I wanted to live those dreams in the times to come.
Exam date sheet came. Sat for reading. But there was same story. I was feeling bored. So, I started to watch movies. But I was not interested in that too. But last time there was a passion for watching good movies like Gladiator, Titanic. Now sense was increasing about the movies. So, brought the movies like Mother India, Awara (Vagabond) and Jis desh me ganga behti hai (country in which ganga flows). This is the Movie who persuaded the one dacoit group to surrender. They are simple movies. Mughle Azam, Dilip Kumar’s awesome movie. Now Raj Kapoor and Dilip Kumar were my favorite and old songs. Like “ek din bik jainge maati ke mol, jug me reh jainge pyare tere bol (one day we will have sold out at the value of soil, only words will have left in this world)”. There was a sense in songs. Exam preparation was going on like this.
That was period of life, when something was going on in my life. I was watching movies. Now different type of dreams started to come in night. What I dreamed in a day, they came in night. Exact same thing like I am with Sophie. I hug her. I clean her tears. This made me to believe more in my intuition.
One night a dream came, in an early morning, I went for a jogging. When I was returning, a noise came from the behind. That was dog’s noise. I was afraid of god in real life too. When I looked back and saw that, he was half dog and half lion. A dog’s body till the neck and head was lion’s. He was running behind me to bite. I started to run faster. He also ran faster. Every moment he was getting to me. He came so close to me. And my legs bitten by mouth. I did aah aah “and got up”.
I saw here and there but did not see anything. I scared. My breath was becoming hard. My mind was disturbed, so I started to dreamed about Sophie. It cooled my mind. And then I slept on her lap.
One day another dream came. Train one, I was standing on the platform. It was night. I was alone there. the train was going to be. Train moving slowly from the platform. I was running after it. It ran more fast. I ran more fast too like nothing is more important than this train. I didn’t know what train has, but I wanted to catch it. At last the train left the platform and I left on the platform.
Those days’ strange dreams were coming. One day I was watching the cricket. It looked like five seconds before that that batsman would be run out. And He did. What was that. It disturbed my mind.
But these things happened sometimes. Like when I thought about something or I stayed with things which I liked. I thought I had the gift or talent to know the future before.
But I rarely came out of the memories of the Sophie.
“Sophie my friend, now days it is not going well. I just have your memories only, which keeps me alive. Wake up in the morning, I start to dream about you, talk to you and love you. I don’t want to let go any single moment without you”.
“Sophie, what is the magic of your face, that after seeing you there is a temptation to live. Otherwise I die in every moment without you”.
Now anger was starting to come. I talked less. I didn’t have any interest with anybody for the last three four years. When I think, what has changed. First, there was no same movement. I forgot myself only. But on this way, I was running for the last many years, and I did not want to stop. A moment of reality, used to shake my body. The reality was, Sophie was not with me. Whereas I lived every moment with her. I did not want to be the quitter. Now almost 1 year was left. I kept Sophie with myself alive by dreaming her day and night. She could not go anywhere else. One chase was my right. I felt so empty inside like there was nothing left. I hated that reality. In which Sophie, did not exist.
My face was falling numb. I was losing strength of thinking and understanding. But I felt good. Put to bed in the dark and used to suppress my anger. When was angry, I punched on the wall. I had the fake smile on my face. I was living the fake life, in which Sophie and I lived. But through this I got to know that, I could change the bad moments in to the good moments. If my mood was bad, then I could make it right. Thought is the big weapon. I knew I was addicted.
to sit with others, I was weaving stories there too. stories in which, there were Sophie and I, lived happily.
Is it a small thing? I put someone’s name on every day and every moment. What was left to convince this world that, I want my love. I wanted to force this world to let me meet with my dream love. I had so much faith on those words.
“If you are thinking about something, that means it is with you. Don’t quit. Keep fighting. We never get the dream, through easy ways. We should have patience. I was doing everything; it was told on that day. When Sophie was going, after saying those words that she just wanted to do friendship with me. This nature told me to not believe on those words. Maybe she had some reasons. I knew that so much left. But I was ready to get my dream love”.
I had put everything into it. All day I had the book ahead on me. Sometimes I did not even cross the single page. Just watching the days, which was yet to come.
Tomorrow was the first exam. But I was preparing for something else. “Hi Sophie, how are you? After a long time”. Now my words were dimmed. Earlier I spoke sharply. Now it looked like there was sadness in my room.
I was now walking slowly. My words had been too slow. Preparation was not good, but I went for giving exam. At the time of giving exams, there also story was going on in my mind. But I thought, give the exam, otherwise I would be fail. I wrote till the last minute of exam. I wrote entire three hours. I threw the question paper in the way and had to walk home.
That three hours made my mind heavy. Went home and put the movie. Movie was Gadar: ek prem katha “Mutiny: a love story”.
I had the story too. I did not why, I always tried to connect everything with me. By chance there was someone sitting with me, and I wanted to talk with him, so then also I tried to make up the stories.
Now I spoke on the walls to give my love. Let me meet with Sophie. Had the nature with myself, but had nobody to listen me. I loved someone. I was choking my pain in my heart. I was cherishing them in myself.
Was lying, like I was just sleeping in her arms. The book was on the front, but had the memories of Sophie too.
“hi Sophie. How are you? Aaaaahhhaaaaaa. You are OK. ……. now…………. would……not wait. friend ………………………..you………………are …………………understanding………………me…Sophie. ……… ……………………………………….uhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmm………..aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaa…………”. my head was on the wall. It was tired, after doing all this. I was gasping. Went and lay on the ground. I was watching the roof. my eyes were getting light. Such as a drug to be made. I thought I should drink but that was bad. I wanted to keep myself clean”.
Lit a cigarette and took a puff. But threw it. It was bad. Bad for me.
Clouds of confusion always loomed. Now words were not spared. Which were, that was painful. “aaaaahhh haaaaaaaaaaaaa”.
Test passed through this way. After test, it was the same story, “just sit in the room and knit the story”. One-day mom’s call came that “papa is not feeling well”. I went immediately through bus. I was just thinking the whole way, “ what happens to the father”. Negative thoughts were coming down in my mind. Reached home at night, dinner was on the table. And mom and dad were sitting. After seeing them, I understood that it was their excuse to call me. I seated comfortably and began to eat. Papa said “take the leg piece, son”.
One thing I got that, they were missing me and I was in my own world. I lived with them around one month. But in reality, I lived with my Sophie.
I started feeling bore after two days only. Then I reached again on the same turn. I had only one way, that was Sophie. One day I was with Sophie and we both were laughing. mummy papa came out. After seeing me, I had that smile on that time too. On this, mummy asked me “what is it, so you are smiling, what is that pain, so you are hiding from us”.
I smiled slightly and went from there. I thought, maybe they knew about this. I thought this also, maybe they knew Sophie. Because once a dreamed came about this, that maybe they want to let us meet after the graduation.
I did not know, but I was thinking from every angle. Always tried to create new stories, did not know which would be right. Story was going on with me and dreams were just behind. One day I was dreaming about Sophie in home, it was night, my room was little big and had the road in the left-hand side of the window. That night I wanted Sophie there in front of me. I could not wait anymore. But I had to sleep after some time.
A dream in night, I did not know it was a reality or a dream. “like some has tied my feet, hold my hand. My eyes were closed but was little open too. And I was trying to opening them. I was unable to move. I did not feel so helpless before. I thought there was someone in front of my eyes but I could not see him. I tried a lot to move my hands and feet. But I was unable to move. I was scaring. It seemed like someone was coming from the inside of my body. Such as a large circle is slowly getter smaller. It came out very quickly and I became conscious. “haaaaaa ahhhhh aaaaaaa. Brain was cool, chilled. I did not understand what was that, there was some light in dark. I put the sheet on my head and fell asleep. Because I was scaring”.
Next day again, I felt like same. But it did not come again there. But when I went to Ravi’s home. On second day, only I felt that. Like someone hold me tightly. I was unable to do anything. And suddenly it came out from my body.
I put the sheet on myself and fell asleep. My mind was not working properly then. Dreams of fear usually came into my dreams.
“live the dream in a present or live every moment. People said like this. And I was feeling and living every moment of my life with my love.
“You are in moments, you are in heart beats, you are in breath, are just only you, in life, now you are life too, you are in sleep, you are in dreams, you are the need of moment, are just only you, in life, now you are life too”.
Some time I thought what she had. But thought stopped there only from where it started,
Leaving everything for her, I was going to do, which never happened before. Believe on the intuition with close eyes and chase it too. On that thinking, give my life and heartbeat to her name. Forced that nature to make it true.
When people in life think about their career, that time I was not doing anything. I was gone far away from this world. I did not have interest in anybody. Now did not seemed to mind.
Final Year of Chasing
Result came. I did not think at all about this and did not feel important also, that I came in 3rd year. Just fulfill the responsibility of filling the form of 3rd years.
Now it was last year, Full one year for ending of 3rd year. But it had 365 days. I took the calendar and it was 28th July.
I took the pen and crossed that date. Now I waiting for the end of graduation. I knew that, then I will get her.
August 3: I woke up and wearing shoes. I crossed the 3rd August date in the calendar. Then I went for jogging. I was remembering the days. Still, there were many days. But I had one weapon to counter these days.
Memories. There was some passed and some coming. I had many. Sitting on the terrace, looking at the sky, I was smiling. It was the last year.
Look back, I am so scared, that how much of the time has passed. But I never lived in reality. Many years had passed. I also wanted to live, just with Sophie.
But I wanted go for a coffee, for a movie and for roam with Sophie. I wanted to listen her, wanted to feel her in these moments. Wanted to sleep in her arms. I got up and wanted to see her face before the sun rises. Wanted to behold her.
“Hi Sophie, how are you? After a long time. Hmm come close, hug me. Walk with me, Sophie. I will love you that much, nobody cannot even think”.
I wanted something new to go ahead. I was not getting anything. There were the same old stories.
“Hi Sophie, how are you? after a long time. Come with me, Sophie. I heard in one movie, a heroine said that, a girl wants nothing but a guy who can loves her more than anybody. Another actress said, marry to that guy, who loves you. Sophie, I can only love this much. Has put you in the eyes. Every moment will be your name. Ask them, ask these heartbeats, they only know to beat for you. They don’t know anything else “.
Hmm aaaahhhh hmmm. I was feeling like empty, now it was good. I kept repeating stories in the day. I wanted to see the that turn before, on which I will meet her. Or I wanted to create that turn.
There was so much desire. But my desire was not there. Otherwise puts the floods of desire. But was put on hold, my love, for her.
August 9: Again, the same dream, somebody hold my hand and feet. My hands were not working and not even moving. I wanted to open my eyes, but I could not. Little was visible through eyelids. I tried a lot to move my hands and feet, but I could not. After sometime quickly, something came out from my body. I became conscious. After that for 10 seconds, I was just watching the front wall. Then I saw here and there. But did not find anybody. I scared.
What was that. I did not know what happened with me.
August 15: It was Independence Day, I liked the Bhagat singh, Raj guru, Sukh dev, all they were revolutionary. Which gave life to the country.
The week magazine published the special edition on it. I read that, on 15th August 1947, first prime minister waved the flag in evening and it was raining under the sun. There was a rainbow also. In the way of learning English I was learning many things.
August 21: That day I got the new story. I got the call from papa. Papa said “he will buy home in Meerut after retirement”. So, I got that, I will do study in this side.
I thought, I will go for the MBA after graduation. I will find her there. That will be first day and she will be there.
After taking a class, I went to the ground and sat there. Some students were sitting there. I saw a girl; she was sitting with her friends. She was saying something. I could not see her face. She had the curly hair. I could not hear his words.
After sometime her friends went away. She was sitting alone and I was watching.
He looked at me and got down to watch. But she watched me again. She had recognized. I woke up and she woke up too. I went to her. She was waiting for me. I said “Hi Sophie. How are you? She said “I am fine”. We were silent for a while. Then I asked her “what are you doing here?”. She said nothing. She had tears in her eyes. Did not know, how we understood each other, that we both waited for a long time for this day.
I hugged her and she too. I said “never go away again”.
After sometime, I was feeling good. But I thought “is it possible that people understand each other without saying a single word”. I might be doing some early to meet with Sophie in a dream.
August 27: I kept thinking all day. That was time, when I did not know “what is reality”. I could not feel the pain of sprain (which I usually got in jogging).
My brain was becoming heavy. Did not know why I was running behind the train, yesterday night. And every time train would leave it.
I did not have any feeling about anyone, even if they sat beside me. I never tried to look the girls. Some anyhow a girl saw me, I did not look back her. Now The wait was time.
Sitting at home on bed, I saw out the window, sometime saw the sky. We were so far away from each other, yet one.
One month had been reduced. I was becoming the weak. I did not like say more. I thought, there was stagnation. Could feel.
Ravi told me go for drinking beer. We went in the same way, one rupee for one hour. It was looking adventure. He always talked about the girls, “I like that girl. I like girl’s hair”. We reached the beer shop. But I did not drink. I did not feel good.
I asked him, “do you like someone?”. He said “I loved that girl. But she did that. you know. I could marry her but, what I can do now. She cheats me. But still I love her. That is fact”.
I was thinking, “maybe It is possible to love that girl, still”. Let him live his life.
September 6: I was bewildered. I was in Delhi in my Cousin’s wedding. But I was sitting alone in one corner. I did want to talk anybody. I thought “if I will talk with anyone, I will distract myself”. I did not want that. My cousins were preparing and I was not doing anything for my career. I was blank.
Worried because, where I was in my life? In which turn, I did not know. Every day was the same story. I had changed. What I was and what I am.
Tired because, I was unable not think more about the Sophie. I was tired by weaving story.
Next day I went home. I was tired by waiting every day. I went to the barber and was bald.
I came in the room and saw myself in the mirror. But I was looking handsome. It was my new look.
September 13: Last night, again train left me, I remained in the chase. I was getting the mad. If I looked back and I scared. How many years had passed? She will recognize me or not. I was just going to run away.
I had to run from light to darkness. Walls were my friend. I did not have anything.
I wanted to shout. I wanted to break things.
Lying on my bed on night, I saw a broken star. I heard before, people get dreams on demand.
I was thinking that the stars would have listened to me. So many people have seen the star. How many people would wish? Will the star hear my wish only?
September 25: There was a road. It was morning. She was running away from me. I was behind her. I was shouting, Sophie, Sophie. But she did not hear me. She was just 8 meter near to me. She went off the road and went into the desert. She did not see me even a once”.
Yesterday night, Sophie came in a dream.
But I could not let her to leave.
“Hi Sophie, how are you? After a long time. Never leave me again. We will leave together, far away from this world”.
September 30: I was happy. I did not know why. I felt like Sophie was coming. I stopped weaving the stories. I was roaming outside. I was laughing. But evening came and went back to the home. The Sun was going slowly down. Sun disappeared after a few moments.
I was confused. Why that was happening with me?
October 1: I was counting the days on my finger. There was a glass on the table. I took it on my hand but not throw it. Leave it. I wanted to control myself.
I was angry with myself. I was walking slowly.
October 4: I did not understand, I thought to create something new. “Where I will get Sophie? How I will get Sophie? My mind was filled with these things. Now what I could imagine?” Sat for hours. Did not understand anything. What to do now new. Which would help to go further.
After a while, it came out.
“When I count my blessings, I always count you twice”.
October 12: Ravi and I was sitting in the market. Ravi asked me, “what you will do after graduation”. I said “MBA”.
He said “what you think? college are waiting for you to give admission. Do not have any studies. I said “we have to do studies; we will start to study from today”.
We went to the market and bought some books, Math and vocab. I took interest in vocab. So, I could learn more words, and my English will become good.
October 16: I read the vocab book more. Math was easy. Other side, Ravi studied regularly. I just wanted to learn English only. Others was just time pass.
October 24: Books were read the first few days. Now just for the name.
And I was thinking, “how I can use these words in talking?”. Because where I could use these type of words, monogamy, polygamy.
November 1: I torn the October page from calendar. I just had the one story. There was nothing new. Same room, same days. So many days were same in my life.
November 10: I saw the calendar and there were many days left. I tore the calendar. It looked too long in that. First Monday will come, then next week it will come and then next month it will come. That why I torn it.
“How was to live today. Just thinking of this, the day went out”.
I was missing the old days. When first time I saw her. When I lost myself for few moments like I lived my whole life. When we were sitting on the bench in the class. When I waited for her at the school gate. Those days were awesome. Secretly watched her in class. Those days felt good. First day when we were sitting on the ground. I was flowing in her eyes. It felt good. Not think about anyone else, just got lost in the memories of Sophie.
I thought, if I would meet Sophie then I will not meet her at the same day. A new story came in my mind.
Like I took the admission in MBA. Sophie was also studying there. She would be in some other section. I see her. She was walking by holding the books in her hand. But I did not let her to see me. One day, she was entering in the college. I was watching her. She felt also that somebody was watching her. She tried to see me. I started to see other side and went away. Next day also same thing happened. Third day I was waiting for her at the gate of the college, that day I wanted to tell her about me but she did come.
Next day again I waited for her at the gate. She did not come that day too. But she had to come next day. It was my story. She came and I met her. She said “you are here for the so many days and never meet me”. She had tears in her eyes. We both hugged each other. I said “never leave me again, Sophie”.
Then I slept comfortably, because I was tired. Mind was also tired. Brain was feeling heavy.
November 12: I was tired. I wanted something new.
I wanted to hang out, meet others. I thought to call my cousin, just like that. I was missing my old days of life. When used to go village during the summer vacation, used to hang out in farm, eat sugarcane. Sometimes broke the mango fruit in orchards.
Listened the songs in radio. All the brothers to sleep together. Those days were awesome. Now everybody was here and there. I wanted to live those days again. I thought to go to one cousin’s home.
That time remembered that long time passed. Now I was around 21-year-old. Four five years went away like this only.
Was angry, as soon as Sophie had to remember, all tended to depreciation. I did that for my love. With whom I was supposed to live all my life.
November 21: That evening, I was sitting with Ravi in the backside. After sometime two girls came and sat there. After a while Ravi went away. I was smoking there. Suddenly a girl asked me something in English. I did not understand it. “sorry, I did not listen”. She said again. But again I did not understand it. I said something. She said OK, nothing, nothing
I knew, I did not understand anything. But I was reading newspaper regularly. But I thought there was no gain of it. I felt bad. I went home after few seconds only. I was thinking that “I am at the same place after these all years”.
I was angry with myself. Was holding the eyes from crying. Breathes were also angry.
I was taking long breaths, was silenced. All it had to be with me.
I was sitting in the night. I was not dreaming about Sophie. I wanted some reality to know where I was in my life. It was paining. What is pain, I was feeling it. I deserved this.
I was just watching the pain. It was my time. There was dark every side. Nobody was there for seeing me or listen me. There was no noise too.
After sometime I saw the broken star. Thought to wish something. Closed my eyes and started wishing. But what could I wish? There was Sophie in front of me. Or I wanted English. Today I got to know the value of star. It was difficult to wish between the two. Because there was only one broken star. I thought that it was a new star. I wished for Sophie in last one. So I should wish for English. I thought a lot, I was upset. At last I wished for Sophie “please star give me my Sophie”. Maybe it could be become reality and not the previous one. That’s why I wished for Sophie in this broken star.
I scared and I wanted to take risk. After wishing, I was watching the moon. Moon had some spots. There were some black spots. “Sophie, you are more beautiful than the moon. Moon has the stain and it comes in night only, and you come in every breath”.
November 28: I read the newspaper on all these years, yet not learnt the new words. I was sitting the backside shop of the house. I was watching the people. I was listening them. “Like how people say? what they say? How they behave? They are shying or not”.
I figured it out that, they spoke bad. They did many grammatical errors. They were good in speaking without hesitantly. They did not have to think. They had habits. They just talked whole day in English that’s why they were good.
I got to know that “it is a game of environment”. If I would talk in English whole day, I will also learn it. But I did not have anybody with whom I could talk. Need of someone, Ravi? No, he is different. Maybe I can try.
November 29: I thought, today onward we will talk in English.
We started. Ravi also spokes normal. We had hesitation in starting. Words were coming. What we learnt, did not have any mean in speaking. But newspaper words were usable. They had value.
We tired after sometime. That what we could speak now. We took the new topic and started speaking. But we were unable to speak like we spoke in normal life, like what I was expecting.
We took the topic “globalization”. We spoke for a while. This topic comes in MBA too. But we were not getting new words. “How we can learn”. Day went like this only. Or our expectation was more. I felt that way. But I did not have the time.
December 5: It was the afternoon; I was in my room. I saw some couple outside the house. I thought to kiss the Sophie. But I felt like, by this way “maybe I am making her dirty”. I did not do that but hugged her.
It was not right. I wanted to keep my love absolutely holy and clean.
December 25: It was a Christmas.
And my day was long. Now I did not like to stay in home. I went for roaming free. I roamed alone till afternoon. People were celebrating the Christmas. somebody was hanging the star’s balloon on his balcony. Somebody was giving Santa Claus toy to his kids.
People had smile their face. Everybody was enjoying. But I was feeling bad. I was waiting for Sophie. That I will enjoy these days with Sophie only. But there was one question, will these day come back again?
I had faith. And I was leaving my life on faith only.
December 31: New year was coming. Last year of waiting was coming. I felt, I came so close to my Sophie. Feeling like heaven is near to me. I was happy.
Today I had the different glow in my eyes. Like dreams get the wings. Was feeling like, stars are making my wish. Like these all stars are also waiting for me.
It was to be twelve o’clock. I was on my bed. Alarm clock was in my hand. And the voice was coming, tick tick. Every second was bringing the coming year. And Sophie was coming that much close.
“A coming moment is bringing the new day. A dream which is in this darkness, will come as a flower in the morning”.
Sophie, I am your lover, if I will meet you, it will be like my heart beat will be completed.
I am just living in waiting of you. Last year is coming and I am also coming.
January 1: New year’s morning was different. His aroma was like a fragrance comes from the soil after the rain. Today I was walking only. Clear blue sky was telling me like this whole world is mine. today take the fly touches the sky. Is a new way. I wanted to fly in cold air.
I felt like, happiness was coming in my life too.
January 2: Today evening Ravi had some work with some boy in a college. Today we went to college after many months. Some students were playing football in the ground.
After finishing his work, Ravi and I went to the ground. Ravi asked them to play.
I scored five goals. When we were coming back to home. I was laughing a lot. I was happy that still I can play. I did not forget to play. I just did not play.
I loved football. I used to enjoy every moment. Where were goes those days. I always got the happiness by playing football.
We decided to go for playing football, Every day.
January 3: I woke up in morning and went for jogging. And I started to create the stories again. In afternoon I was thinking, “Ravi should not say to going for playing football”. I did not want to leave Sophie. I did not feel good until I dreamed about the Sophie. I felt like Sophie is going away from me. And I did not want to be away from her. That night I dreamed about her for continuously three hours. Then my brain heated. I could not go away from Sophie for football.
Even Ravi did not say anything about football that day. We both remain quiet.
January 14: It was Makar Sankranti. I got the call from Mummy to take a bath in early morning. It is good, today. I did the same.
But whenever I heard these things like, today is a good day, or broken star, I always asked for Sophie.
Every single day was passing. And my day was coming. I was happy by seeing the day, which was passing.
January 26: It was a republic day. People were flying kites. The heart wanted to do everything, but then I always chose the Sophie.
January 30: Today night I went for sleep early. I was happy for the last few days. But it was not acceptable to nature. It sent the train in my dream. Again, I was unable to catch the train. I did not want to catch in real life. But it was in my dream. It hurt me in my dream. Then it hurt me in real life too.
I scared a lot with all these dreams. I thought maybe there was a ghost in my room. How it looked. Maybe he sent all these awkward dreams in my sleep. In one dream, I could not do anything. I always saw someone in front of my eyes. But I could not move my hands and feet. What was that.
February 1: February come, and I knew Valentine day was coming. But every day was my valentine day. But I missed more after seeing the boys and girls holding each other’s hand.
But at least one more month had passed.
I read newspaper regularly. Now I used to read whole magazine. I had to know, that words which came regular, I had to learn those words. They were useful. But I needed the support also. I knew the more I spoke the more I learn.
February 14: valentine’s day. It was night. There was a table on terrace and a flower on it and one candle. Sophie was sitting in front of me, decorated starry sky and Sophie was sitting in the light of the moon.
Tune of old songs, “get immersed in your eyes, if you let me settle in your eyes, close your eyes and see the dreams, I want to lost myself in those dreams”.
I wanted just this much. I did not ask for more. Nor I had the need of more than this.
March 1: How time was left? I did not know. Anything could happen. I see on the street, maybe I could find her there.
I was ready to meet her.
March 5: Today I got one old photo of school, I had little moustache in it. I saw the dimple my face, “which always come whenever I smile”.
I remembered those old days, when I was afraid to go school. But I had to go. Goes to school and sat on the last bench. And to wait for play the football or to wait for the bell rings.
To see all people and would understand, what they thought about me. They thought that if someone did not know English then, it meant he is rustic.
By remembering old days, I felt bad. Five years back, I was in 11th class. How much time had passed? And it turned out that, for learning English it needs just an environment. What I was doing all these years, I did not know. Or I can say, everything was waste.
Was sick of myself. What I was doing? Then I wrote something for English.
__]a message to English language……..
“I done so much for you, but has not come yet”.
English aunty, a no. 1 rascal.
She goes to all the people, but don’t come to us,
Sees not caste, not even color,
Then why not come to us?
English aunty, a no. 1 one rascal,
She goes to all the people,
From America to Japan to China to Pakistan.
Even in India, went to many people,
But rascal, did not come to us.
English aunty, a no. One rascal,
Did not see the black not even the brown, not see the white not even the yellow,
Did not see the wealthy guy, not see the poor, it never differs,
She goes to all the people,
Please someone ask her, why she did not come to us?
I said to her, I will keep you with lot of love
If we would go somewhere, I will let you go, I will give you all freedom,
But do not believe in me,
She goes to all the people,
But never come near to us,
Do a lot, to impress her,
I learnt the words and grammar too,
Read the Newspaper, talked with Ravi also,
In learning English, I forget the Hindi,
But she Aunty never come,
She goes to all the people,
And never come near to us,
I am tired now, sick too,
Come now, Rascal,
Your lover is calling you,
Two words from my side,
“you live in my blood, in my every beat of heart,
soul wana meets to you, heart dreams about you every night,
since childhood I love you, I dream about you,
I am Waiting, and I will wait till I don’t get you,
Sometime I cry, sometime I anger with you,
I hate you but still love you”
“I am waiting for you since I learnt to use the spoon, so please aunty come soon”
By the way, I changed a lot. I became tall, skin became whiter because I lived inside the home only. Did not know how she will be or she will look like. Will I recognize her? And she will recognize me or not. Now I was feeling scared.
March 16: Date sheet of exam comes, I felt good. That result will come after the exam, and I will meet Sophie.
I brought the books and began to read. It was the last time I was reading the books. After this, my life will be different.
March 23: Now I could not wait any longer. Did not know, where we will meet each other, in which place. This question was coming. I felt like everything will happen tomorrow only. I felt uneasy.
So, long wait was about to end. I had complete faith that we will meet. There was no hesitation.
April 2: Exams were starting. April was going. I first time only, took interest in exam. To be over so quickly and the results will come.
I remembered Sophie only in all the exams. I lost in her completely. I wanted Sophie there also.
May 1: Now I was waiting for the result. Who knew, I will meet Sophie earlier also. Did not know anything. Which way it was. From where she will come. I started to read every article of Newspaper. I just did reading all the time.
Time was less. But now I understood what people said in English.
May 8: “If you are with me, then whole world is with me”.
I did not know what happened with me in all these years. My life is just you, Sophie. If someone will ask me what I did in past 5 years. Then the word Sophie is enough to tell. I did not have anything else except you.
I wanted just love.
I was losing my thinking. I stopped thinking about “how I will meet Sophie”. So, it will look as a surprise to me. When I will meet her. But time will tell. Now only two months left for the completion of graduation.
But one question always raised, how we will meet and where?
May 27: I was angry. Time was passing day by day. I tried to control myself. I tried to control my mind also, so I will not start again to create stories.
May 28: Going forward and stood in front of the wall. I did not want to do this, but I was feeling empty and like Sophie was going away from me. I put hands on my mouth and said with smile “Hi Sophie, how are you? After a long time. You made me to wait so long. Now never go away again”. It was a bad and old story. Maybe I did in hurry.
I tried again to convince myself.
Like Sophie comes to live in the same lane. One day she was going to somewhere from in front of our home. Normally I did not see the girls. But my eyes went on Sophie. I saw her from behind. Her curly hair was moving up and down. It was long too. Her walk was like the same time. I ran down and run behind her. Before asking me, she sat in the auto.
But I could not see her face.
Next day I was standing outside. But she did not come. I felt like, she was not Sophie.
Next day I was in home only. I did not take interest at all.
Next day I was going for the jogging. I saw a girl there. she was looking like a Sophie. She looked back. I also saw her. She was Sophie. She was standing in front of me in Salwar Kamiz. She had tears in her eyes. After seeing them, I recognized that she also loved me a lot. Her eyes were saying clearly, she also waited for me. She hugged me and I too.
I said “Sophie, I will not let you go again away from me”.
Now my brain was tired. Eyes were moving like I was drunk. I went and lay down on the bed and went back to sleep in the arms of Sophie.
June 19: Ravi told me that, strike is going on in the college. I asked him, for what. He said “teachers want the hike in their salary”.
June 25: strike closed.
I was feeling good. “Now result will come and then Sophie”.
June 30: I was thinking that, how we will meet, where we will meet. Now I dreamed about that way, from where she will come.
She will be in which college. She will be in which place.
July 3: Ravi and I was sitting in the terrace. I asked him, like any girl or not.
He said “every girl is same”. I said, no man, there are many good girls. He said that, if girl is beautiful then nobody will leave her. I said, no man nothing is like that. He said, it is like this only. if girl is not beautiful, then for once, boys will not try to win the heart but if girl is beautiful then 100 boys will try to win her heart. By the way, boys try to flirt with every girl.
I panicked. Sophie was beautiful. But I thought he also said things just like that. Maybe he was wrong. But I never heard this logic before. But I was afraid too. He could be wrong.
We went from there. He put his hand on my shoulder and said “there is not a single tree, with which air is not engaged”.
Hahahahahahahahahahaha. We both were laughing. I did not have the answer for this.
“Any trees that did not get air”. Comparison of a girl with tree is not good. There is also a dry tree and green tree. But I have watered this tree and poured water every day. I am its air.
Heh, did not know, but felt it was wrong.
July 9: Today, it was raining. I remembered that day, when I was weak and took the extra class of English in school, after the school and when I was going home, it was raining and I wanted to cry. But I did not. “tears are flowing with raindrops, nobody discovers the cry and sorrow, just gets carried away from the eyes in the memories of someone”.
Today I was missing Sophie, now only little time was left to fulfill my dream and my intuition. Then I will get my love. My heart beat will be complete. We both were supposed to be one. My everyday spent in the memories of Sophie. After someday, those all years, months, days and moments will be merge in that day, the dream day.
July 18: What I thought and what was happening. Did not know why it was happening.
I wanted to escalate the time. But time had stopped and I was in time and was left entangled. I was feeling like the old man. I was so slow. Eyes were like a blind man, who saw only one color, black. A tree which does not have root. Which knew it will never be greenly in his life. Today I was hopeless. I did not have any faith and way. Did not know in which turn I was sitting.
July 27: I thought to not make stories. So, I will feel that day. Because in afternoon, a needle went into my hand. And I could not feel the pain.
So today onward it was just waiting. But it was difficult to wait without dreaming Sophie.
July 28: Today my brain was tired. As soon as I missed the Sophie, I started to create stories. And little time was left only. Thought that it had be some cure. An idea came in my mind, to kept busy myself. I took the magazine and read it. I went outside for roaming. When I sat with Ravi, I talked a lot. Then went to the terrace and saw the flower in a pot and felt it. How it smelt. When I came back to the room, I felt Sophie is far away from me. So many things entered in my mind. I did not want Sophie to get away from me.
“No Sophie No, at this stage I could not let you go away, no Sophie no. “Hi Sophie, I am today also finding the road on this empty wall and see I get you, you are now standing in front of me”.
I went and lay down, and took her in my arms and fell asleep.
August 1: Did not have any news of result. It will come, when it has to come.
I see and think about that way. How it will happen. How she will meet? How and where? The brain gets worse by thinking about all this.
Came to my mind. Sophie will not come if I will not find the way. Because it was my way, my thinking. I reach till here. I have only to find the way. But I knew, intuition came, so way will also come. Let be open your brain and ears.
August 10: It was Sunday. Ravi went to the temple. But I was atheist. But I did not have the problem in going. I was sitting outside on the stairs.
Did not know what he wished to God. If I would have the choice, I would ask for result. Because after result, Sophie will come. Then I thought, I would ask for Sophie.
August 17: I was in my room. It was night and was watching the moon. Moon was my friend, who always supported me in night. I always felt good after watching the moon.
Moon gives the cold and white light. Sometimes I felt like sleeping in the arms of Sophie. I remembered that dream, in which I stand on the long grass with naked feet, in front of Mountain. There are trees also, whose leaves flutter in the air. And an angel was standing up. Who said to me,” I will get whatever I want in my life from this world and in this world”.
It was beautiful words. But is it true? But it always motivated me. People go to Temple, Church, Mosque or Gurudwara, they just have faith. They think there is a supreme power. If they demand something, he will give them. It is all about just faith.
If we don’t get something, then just say it was not written in my destiny. Or it was not in my life. It is good excuse. It was good for satisfy yourself. Everybody knows the truth, but they put curtain of faith on their failure.
I did not like these things. If I will not meet Sophie, then from where will the faith comes?
As I read in the book “Letters to the daughter”, that we can get everything we want by our imagination. It is fact.
September 1: I was remembering the day when I tore the calendar. It was my bad decision to take a day as a single day. It was putting pressure on me.
I counted the months and It was ninth of the year. I asked to Ravi, when will the result come? He said, keep checking on the net.
I checked on the net, but did not come.
September 6: I again checked on the net. But still it did not come. And not even the notification about the result.
“When you come in front of me. I will feel like, got my morning. Don’t know when that moment will come, don’t know when to be met, how much love I have in my heart, when will you join me, to love me. I will not let flow my love for someone else other than you. Sophie, just waiting for you. Come and I will show what is love”.
September 13: I checked on net, result did not come yet. How long to wait for the result? I walked till now according to the intuition, I did not want to change the way now. Wait is good.
I began to read more time, magazine and newspaper. Whenever I got the time, I read. All the time, reading reading and reading.
I was afraid, it was the ninth month of the year. And how long, after all. while on the go, see every girl. Maybe I could find her by this way. She would be somewhere in this world, but where.
September 19: Now did not left anything in my heart. I thought throughout the day, like nothing will happen. But I remembered that intuition, and got my faith back, I will find her. I will get her soon.
I became confused many times in a day.
Then I became normal, when I felt that it was better to be think positive, so one day we will meet.
September 24: Result did not come yet. But it will come one day. There was no benefit by anger.
September 30: Ravi told me that, MBA’s entrance exam form is coming. We will fill up it today. He brought two forms. One for himself and the other one for me. A few days later it was sent after filling it.
I checked on net about the result, but did not come.
I thought if I would fail then what will happen. Will have to wait one more year?
Lying on the bed in the evening, and run radio. “Be with you”.
I downloaded it, and listened again and again. I did not have the mobile. I did not need it. But thought I should have one, it is better to listen song from it. But radio has different quality, nothing is better than radio. It is classic.
October 1: October had come. But there was no news about the result. I was angry. But I could not do anything.
October 6: Again, the same dream came in my mind yesterday night. I called it the running train dream. I again tried a lot to chase it, but could not.
“Maybe Sophie is going away from me.”
What did it mean? I did not know. Next day I went to home. Because I could see the result there also.
October 14: I checked again but result did not come yet. I used to check many times in a day. I was wondering how long how long man.
I checked it again in evening. 5 o’clock was the last time of the day, till that time college could post any new notification. I saw one notification about the B.com 3rd year. The result was to come. I checked mine and Ravi’s too. We both were passed.
I was watching the outside, now what? What is now? Graduation was complete now. I thought maybe it takes little more time. Be practical. But nothing had changed.
Why wait any longer? It was wrong.
I was thinking one thing only, what was now. Now what would happen. Where was Sophie? I checked again, result was right or wrong. Ya it came in real. So, Sophie would be in front of eyes. So “where is she now. It is wrong. She is nowhere”.
Intuition’s word was coming again and again in my mind. That” we will meet after graduation”. But we did not. Wait was redundant. I was not going to accept. I wanted to fight with my thinking.
I was feeling bad. I started to listen songs. I wanted to listen a beautiful song, which could control my anger. I checked on the net. I found Enrique’s addicted. I clicked to download it. I saw a link on that page of Facebook.
I clicked on that link. It opened the new page. Something was written there in blue color, like “Facebook helps you to connect with your friends”. “create an account, login and password”, Was also written there.
But I did not have the account. I never saw that website. There was a place for writing my name, Email ID, Sex and Password. After thinking for a while, I opened the accounts there in name of Rohit.
In starting I did not know, what was Facebook. I clicked on many things there. But did not understand anything. After sometime I lay on bed. And again, checked the Facebook. This time I saw something “find friends”. I clicked on that, and I found other options, like write the school name, college name. I was thinking what was that?
I stopped thinking, because I wanted Sophie and nothing else.
I wrote Sophie Marzban. One profile came, a girl was wearing black clothes. She had the long straight hair. Did look quite large. Her hair was reaching on her shoulder. She had fair color. She was beautiful too. She was not looking like the Sophie. I checked again but did not find any other girl. There were many girls of Sophie name but not of Sophie Marzban.
I opened her page. “send friendship request’ was written on her page. I clicked on that and sent one message too.
“Which Sophie you are. if you ever studied in St. Stephen school in Kolkata in 11 and 12th. I am Aryan. please reply”.
I sent the message and began to wait.
Days of Eclipse
Next day morning I opened the Facebook. There was no message. Watched an hour, but nothing came of it. I checked it again in afternoon. And gain in evening. there was no message. Next day again I checked in the morning. I thought maybe she is not Sophie. But it was necessary to check it. I checked it again in afternoon, but there was no message. I checked it again in message but returned disappointed.
Maybe she was not Sophie. She was someone else. But I checked it in morning next day, there was no message. Then I checked in night, there was a message, one message. Wrote in it,
“ya I did study………”.
Ahh, I was so happy. Sophie was in front of me. My intuition was right. After so many years we were together again. I did not believe that we meet again.
First, I thought, I should tell her all things. I checked her profile. She was doing the MBA from one college in Noida. Noida was just two hours away from my home, Yahoooo. She did her graduation from Kolkata.
I was in a hurry. I wanted to say her about me. I did not know what to do. Should I go there or first do the message.
I messaged her.
“Now I’m graduate.it is 3-year-old story. We were friend there in 11th. so you must know me. Don’t feel but can you tell me about something me. Then I can trust you that you are that girl. Sorry if you feel”.
Sophie:“ya we all were thr in St. Stephane Kolkata….u used to b a v quiet guy, n I remember I tried talkin 2 u when we were havin sports day practice..on kv ground……i hope now u can trust me!!!!! by d way wotz dis “Rohit”….????
“I am happy. and happy because you know me. i just change my name. What are you doing. And where you live. I will not remain quiet. I want to talk with you as soon as possible. Can we become a good friend? I want to talk to you.
and what about your modeling. Reply fast”.
I checked next day, Sophie’s message did not come.
I sent one more message.
“did I write something wrong? You cannot talk to me. Five years back you wanted friendship with me, I accepted it. Now I want friendship, you should accept it. You could talk that time, what is the problem now? You know what Aryan thinks of you. I don’t want to write anything here. You want to scold me, then scold me. talking on Facebook, it seems like I am talking with the screen. I am joking. [
__]sorry, I did not recognize you through photo. just wrote a lot about the rest later. [
I know u by ur aryan name so can i call u dat? well, in reply late, i was out of the town……where are you? i am in Delhi……reply back…..ya i did modelling but quit now”.
__]did you feel bad. was a little angry. I am in Meerut. it is near to Delhi. can we talk in phone? you did not tell that how long have you been living in Delhi. Aryan can come to meet you in Delhi. how many years are you in Delhi? Message me your no. I will call you back. my number is “9256766990”. if you want to call me, you can call, but around 5 o’clock, because that time mom and dad don’t be in home. it is a home number. please. the other thing on the phone.[
I wanted to talk her on phone. In evening, around at 5 o’clock, I sat around the phone. There was no message. Two hours passed but call did not come.
Next day also I waited for a call. At 5 PM, I sat around the phone. But her did not come.
I thought, she would be out somewhere. Next evening also, I sat around phone at 5 PM. 5:25 pm came a call.
“I picked the phone and said Hi, an aunt said from the other side, she wanted to talk to my mom. I said “mom is not in home, call after sometime”.
I was angry. I wanted to break everything. I wanted to shout but could not because I was in home. So, I controlled it.
I had nothing to do with, what she was doing and was not doing. I wanted to meet her. She was talking normally in messages. I did not know; she knew everything or not. She should come here and hug me.
I was in hurry. I wanted to meet her as soon as possible. She was so near; I could not hug her. I could not live without her anymore moment.
I looked forward to the message. All those years, my word was to check the message or sit around the phone. But she did nothing. Diwali also came. She did not wish me and even called me. I was tetchy. Why was this happening? Why was this happening? I had to talk to her, once.
During this, I checked her profile. She joined some group there. I did not have any profile picture. Her older comments were there too. She had around 40 friends, including boys. I did not feel good. There were some boy’s comments too. I was upset and petrified. She was so near to me and I could not talk to her.
I had only one friend, Sophie. But she had many things on her page. Like, what was the meaning of her name, “Sophie” S for Sexy, O for obedient, P for phenomenon and so and so. and H for hot. I was feeling bad. Her name was connecting with sex and sexy. She was in one more group, called “sex zombie lady etc.”. Sophie was a bad girl.
During the checking her profile, my eyes went on relationship status, there was written “in a relationship”.
It was her status.
My brain stuck. I was shocked. I did not know, what I had to do. For the 5 years, I was dreaming about her in every moment. All those moments came back in my mind. She was bitch. She was bastard. She was dirty girl. She was pros.
She had 40 friends, including many boys. Nobody had so many friends.
I should tell her, what I did for a girl like her. I wrote,
“ hi friend,[
__]There is a story of mine. When I was in 11th, an intuition came or gut feeling, that we will meet again after my graduation. from that day, I was just thinking about you. Read all, friend, please, please. I liked you, I loved you. sorry, read full. I was waiting for you, for the last 4 years. sorry, read full, I wanted to marry you. it was my intuition and what I do. waited for you so long. so we will meet again. you will know the parent. intuition was something like this. It was not your fault. it was wrong intuition. because you should know that there is a boy, who loves you, who is mad. you have become very dirty, sorry, it was necessary to tell you. fuckoff, dating group, so many friends, nightlife, you become so dirty. sorry but I want to beat you. but it was my heart fault. I believed in intuition. I was mad for the last 4 years. necessary to tell you. don’t reply back, friend. and don’t write any single word. It was my fault. but necessary to tell you. but my friend, I loved you so much. now I hate you or love you, don’t know. I am angry and want to beat you. don’t take tension, my friend, I will not do anymore message to you. you also do not. bye and thanks friend. [
__]sorry, can I write one more thing? I love you so much, friend”.
I was finished. There was nothing left inside me. I shut down the laptop and lay down in bed. It was afternoon.
I was thinking, what I was doing. What I was doing? For a girl like this. I was waiting for her for the last 5 years. And she was doing all dirty things. She was roaming with another boy, be sitting with him, would have loved. She was bad girl. A lowly girl. I hold my head with hands, so I could think about all this. My life was finished. I thought about her in every moment and every day and she turned out like this.
Seen side by side, all was quiet. There was a poster on wall, which I made, “the dreamer is finding the road on empty wall”.
I found the way but………I was watching the wall. I was hoping from the wall. I was wondering whenever I was disturbed, why I liked to see the wall? I looked around and look and look and look again. Then after a while, started looking the front wall. There was also nothing, and then lay down and saw the roof. Then I cried. These tears were not for that girl. These were for my life, which I did not live. There are 365 days in a year. I spent more than 1500 days in her memories. I was 15-year-old, when I first met her. And today I was 21-year-old and was going to be 22 soon. I had spent my youth in her memories. When people think about their career. When people enjoy their life, I was lying down at floor in front the wall.
“Those days will not return again”. I met her and talked in three or four messages. I just talked this much only. I got nothing. I did not get the love of one moment. I did not have anything. This could not happen, not at all. How could this happen to me? This nature would have little bit shy. It saw everything, whatever I had done for her.
I opened the Facebook and deleted her from my account. I did not want to give up. I thought, I should accept her. Everything was OK. But I did not like one thing, “she has the boyfriend”. I could not tolerate this. I was ready to accept her. How could I forget that she had the boyfriend?
I believe that, “if Sophie will be with me in future. Then also she will have that boy in her mind or thinking. Even if she forgets him. She had spent many moments with him. Became part of her life. He was in her thinking. She laughed with him, roamed with him, sat with him. How could I delete all these things from her mind? If I would sit with Sophie, she would remember any moment of him. If she would laugh with me, she would remember him too”. I threw the glass on the wall and it broke. I was angry. Because if I would sit with Sophie in a romantic way. She would remember her too, not every time but sometime. I could not tolerate this.
Sat down through the wall. At last wall came as a supporter. There was a long, long breathes. Had tears in my eyes and heart was angry. I felt like I should kill her. Few moments back I loved her. Now I did not hate anybody more than her.
My life was finished. Did not left anything in my life. She was everything. What was my history? She was in every moment. Did not have any friend. What I did in those so many years?
She was there. But I could not believe that intuition was wrong. Because it was written on it, after that “we will be married”.
“I never thought. Never thought that, I was keeping her in my memories, by remembering her day and night. I loved her so much. That made her my life. I never thought that I will hate her so much. I did not know that for whom, I was knitting this world with love, she even did not deserve my curse”.
I thought after a while, maybe she wrote “in a relationship” in a status for keeping away the boys from her. So, any boy will not disturb her. It could happen. Because she was not like this type in the school.
She joined the group, just like that, but why? I opened the Facebook. I searched the group, Zombie one. Then I saw that many people had joined it. There were many other groups, one for Sachin Tendulkar’s, one for Diego Maradona. There was a group of “sexy girls”. Many girls had joined. Those girls were in bikini and in sexy dress. I sent friend request to 30 to 40 girls. “So they would accept my friend request and Sophie would also feel jealous.
I messaged to Sophie.
__]I am breaking my promise and writing again. I wrote wrong things and I really do not how I wrote. what I can say more than Sorry. I feel that you sit on net everyday but reply me in 10 days. and you will sit again on Facebook. I write something. bad or good. I don’t know. can you talk for a one time?”.
I sat around the phone at 5pm. But her call did not come. Maybe she was angry.
I checked the message box. Her message did not come yet. Next day I checked in early morning around 5 am. Four days passed, and her message did not come. Not even the call.
I again messaged her.
“Friend, talk me soon, tomorrow friend”.
I went and lay down on bed. I stopped dreaming, not anymore. Lit cigarette. Then went to lay down on the ground. Got a little peace. Changes sides and takes a little bit awry. After sometime I stood and checked the Facebook. There was one message. I opened it. Was written in it.
“What message should I do? You understand so much about me from Facebook profile?”
__]Whatever u wrote is not right……[
__]i’m not like dat….”[
I felt good after reading it. It is good the message has arrived. I sent her a message.
“sorry Friend, whatever I saw there, I understood many things from those. I did not try to think beyond it. It was my fault. sorry dost(friend). Thanks for forgive me or you will forgive. Just leave it. So when you come in New Delhi and how many days’ years you will leave here. And what are you doing in New Delhi. [
__]and thanks friend”.
Began to wait for the message. What she would say now? I Wanted to talk to her. I did not have the time. Soon wanted to meet. Wanted to understand her. Whole day laptop used to remain open. I checked every half an hour. But her message did not come. In every evening, I sat around the phone. But she never called.
Nor she accepted my friend request again.
I sent her message again.
__]you don’t do message to me. Friend, I meet you 1 month ago. we talked on phone before also. then there is no problem in talking. you will definitely call me isn’t. please friend. call me whenever you will get the time. you sure you do. please friend. Aryan will wait.
Do not take long”.[
I sent one more message to her, after some time.
“Sophie, you are now in Facebook”.
I sent her message again after few days, when she did not message me.
“Sophie, why don’t you call me? Give me your no. I will call you. Why you are angry. Tell me something. [
Her message did not come. So I messaged her again next day.
“if you are afraid that, Aryan will say something bad to you. Aryan is promising you, he will not say anything”.
But her message did not come.
Next day again I messaged her.
“Sorry friend, shall I say something? Don’t mind but you are angry over something. You are afraid that I will say something bad about you. Papa has one mobile. One landline for home. We cannot afford three phones. So I don’t have mobile, otherwise I would give my number to you. Mummy and papa will not pick the phone. You are confident girl. I don’t know, what I am saying, sorry friend. Call anytime but at least call me. I am sorry if you have felt bad about anything.
But she did not message me. But I sent the message again next day.
“hi friend, what was written wrong, you are still feeling offended by it. Is my voice is bad? Am I bad? What is the problem, friend? do you read the messages or not? What do I write?.[
__]please call me……[
Next day again I messaged her.
“hi friend, so I learned to say Hi. What happened friend, I am not that much bad, friend. I am understanding anything. Why friend. There must be something. [
__]call me and what should I write. if call will not come then Aryan will message you again, then again. [
After few days, I messaged her again.
“I know that I am different and you are different. We both are different, Sophie. we both are, but if we talk, we can shed this misunderstanding…. which is mine. [
__]sorry for what I did. [
__]I made mistake, give me one chance to improve it”.
I waited for one day of her message. Every morning I had one thing to check, Facebook message box. But her message did not come. I checked again and again, but nothing came. I thought it should go to her college, but it was not right. She was little angry only. She would after sometime. I checked the Facebook in afternoon, but her message did not come. My eyes were just on Facebook, but nothing came. In evening at 5pm, I went to the other room and sat near the phone. I wanted from time to stop here and gave me my Sophie. At 7 pm I came out from there.
And lay down on bed. I was thinking that, I read somewhere one thing that, girl wants only one thing, a guy who can love more than anything else. Could anybody love her more than me? Could anybody give his childhood and youth to her? I remembered her in every thought and in every moment. So, she would not get away, ever.
But here Sophie was not even thinking this that, a boy who was waiting for her for all these years, take 2 minute out of her life to speak with him. I would explain her things once again. “But she should talk”. What she would lose?
Next day again I checked in early morning but her message did not come. I was angry. I wanted to set fire to the world. I saw here and there but did not find anything to break. What breaks. Mummy papa to find out if anything broke.
I tried to control my anger. Goes jogging, I left nothing. Tears came in the eyes and I tried to stopped them. So they stayed inside only. I checked Facebook again in afternoon, but her message did not come. In evening I saw on her profile that she joined a new group, “Leo horoscope”.
She was Leo. What was I, I did not know.by the way, they are two. I asked the mom about my sunshine. Mummy said yours is “Kumbh” means Aquarius. But it was according to the name. According to month of the birthday, it was Capricorn. My birthday was on 5th June.
I sent her message again.
__]at the time of saying “hi”, it feels something strange, friend. leave it.[
__]I remembered one thing, once you said about the Prakash in school. A guy who was doing engineering, and he was your boyfriend. no not you, your friend said in school. sorry I said that you said me about him. sorry. [
__]By the way, nowadays I am feeling free, after saying about my intuition to you. it was written in that only, that we will meet and then marry soon. so it is not my fault. you will be thinking that, we are not met yet and he is thinking about marriage. sorry friend. it was written in that, friend. sorry. [
Next day again I messaged her.
__]today mummy papa is going somewhere. I was also going but not now. They are going at around 10 am. I will inform you by message at around 10 am. they will come after 5 pm. if you want to call, call me, friend. nobody will here. [
__]by chance if you will not say what I am expecting, then if tears will come, then nobody will see me. please call me. I will send you message. don’t worry.
__]By the way, I was missing you so much yesterday night. was hurting too, don’t know was in heart or in mind. I was feeling strange; I never feel like that before. I am missing you so much.
I again messaged her.
“mummy papa went out, dost(friend) You can call me now. This time I will not message you again and again.
I again messaged her.
“nothing happens Sophie, you did not call. Maybe you did not see the message or you had some other reason. I wanted you should call me when mummy papa will not be in home. That’s why I told you. [
I was thinking that why all these things were happening with me. She did not have any shame to call me. I waited for her so long. “Nobody will love this much”. But whys she did not send me the message.
I checked Facebook in morning, but nothing came. I was annoying and I wanted to kill her.
But this time, I also did not message her. I was drinking my anger. There was a long, long breathes. I was shaking my head, so to convince myself. But I did not have the time.
Every moment was hard to live. Why she wrote “in a relationship”. If this will be true, then how will I live with her? If I would love her, then sometimes she would remember him or those moments which she spent with him. Heeeeee. I was too bad to think.
“Bastard, she should talk me”. She would not lose anything in talking for once, just for one time.
It was night. I was looking at the moon. Earlier, I used to wait for this night. Now I waited to see how quickly it passed.
Did not sleep. Was just keep thinking, “how is she? Why does she join different groups? Why she wrote “in a relationship””.
Why? My head was burst by thinking.
Next day in morning, I checked the message but Sophie’s message did not come again. I thought maybe she did not check the Facebook. Maybe she was somewhere else, went somewhere.
I checked her friend list. There were 41 friend, earlier there were 40 friends. That meant, she came on Facebook. I wanted to cut her in 100 pieces. I sent her message.
“Sophie. One thing that, you are dirty girl. You make so many boyfriends. You made one more friend yesterday only. Were 40 to 41. You came on Facebook and did not message me. You are bastard. You are dirty and bad girl. You join dirty groups. And you cannot talk me once, you bitch”.
First, I lay down on bed then I was not feeling good there. I wanted to sit at the corner. I went and sat in the back of the wall and putting my hands-on knees. And kept thinking, what I was doing for all these years? A girl who could not talk with me. a girl who could not send me a single message. “in a relationship” I was thinking, this bitch was sitting with him somewhere. If she would sit with me, then she would remember him too. I just wanted myself in her heart, in her mind, in her thinking. Is there any machine, which could delete those memories and moments of him in her mind? if that happened, it would be so nice. Then I would delete him from Sophie’s mind.
I wanted myself in Sophie’s thoughts. She with me and I with her. We would live alone somewhere. I would give everything, which she would want. Love her so much, like nobody else get it.
Sleep in her arms by keeping my head, and she caress me.
I checked it again in afternoon. But Sophie’s message did not come. I was feeling bad that I abused her. Then I messaged her.
“Sorry Sophie. I abused you, because I was angry. You did not message me, that’s why, I became angry. I woke up so early that day and found no message of you. Sorry Sophie. Sorry friend. I want to talk to you. Sorry Sophie. Talk to me, friend. Many years has gone. Sorry Sophie, forget everything whatever I said. I spend many years in wait for you. Just talk with me for once. Sorry friend for what I said. Sorry Sophie”.
What I could say to myself? What story could I create to undergo through these situations. Now what was ahead. Now what was left. Everything was depended on Sophie. If she would speak, then something happens. The worst part was this that, I could not cry. Because I was in home. Anybody could see me. “How is she”. I had little time. I could not wait. Old days used to come in my memory.
When I first met her in school. Her smile, was I love her? Or hate her? I was confused. I did not have anything in my hand. She lived her life with another boy. She talked with him, laughed with him. I did not want those moments in her memory and in her life. How I would live with her. Haaaa haaaaaa haaaa.
When she was in my dreams. I kept her in every moment. And she was spending those same moments with someone else. Ahh if he was her only friend then it is different. I did not have any problem with her smile or laugh. Or her talk with that boy. But had a problem with, that she had the emotions of him with her. She had the problem feeling for him. She felt him also. How could she feel someone else and not me?
And if she would be with me, and I would roam with her, laugh with her and sleep in her arms.
Then she would remember him, sometime not always. No it could not happen.
“You are in my memories, I see you in my memories, see the world, I don’t have problem in that, But I see myself in your desire, I have only one complaint, that you keep someone else in your thoughts”.
“this is my heart, and you live in this, just your name is hidden in it, rip my heart and feel my blood, smell it and you will feel yourself in it”.
Next day in morning at 5 am. I checked the Facebook. Bitch’s message did not come. Then I messaged her.
“bastard, you cannot talk. Is other guy a fool, who is waiting for you. Listen Noida is just 70Km away from here. It will take hardly two hours. If my head will twist, I will come in college and kill you. Do you understand?”.
My head was spinning. I was bathed every day, so I would remain handsome.
I fell asleep. That time also in her arms. Had tears in my eyes and I was controlling them. I never saw a girl in all these years. Never thought anything else but Sophie. And fell asleep in the arms of Sophie. With love or hate, did not know.
I woke up in afternoon. I was hungry. Throat was dry. Bottle was on table. But my hand did not reach there. went straight to the laptop and checked the Facebook. Her message did not come that day too. I abused her in morning. She must have felt bad. I sent her message.
“Sophie sorry dost. you don’t message me, that why I become angry. Now you tell me, how many more days I have to wait? Sorry Sophie, Sorry Sophie. You do not talk, that why I feel bad. I know I abuse you. It is wrong. Sorry Sophie. Forget it, buddy. Talk to me. Sorry that I abused you. Sorry Sophie. Talk to me, please”.
I went to Ravi’s home. My brain also gets worse in mom and dad home. I could not cry there. So, I went to Ravi’s home.
I went to back side of home. I took a cigarette and smoked it. Then I went to home. I brought the one packed of cigarette. I felt good by smoking.
I sat down on my room. “I don’t have to be one. Don’t be one. I am also one. We are two individual, that is good, Sophie. We are two, one is you and second is I. so there is someone to love. I don’t want to be one. Don’t be one. I want myself in your heart and you will be in my heart. If all heart beats will become one, then it will be good. But don’t be one. If we are two, then there is love. So, there is life. We are two, so we can feel the love, we can love each other. We can feel distance. If we will be one, then how can we love? That’s why don’t be one. I don’t want to hate myself. That I can tolerate too, but if we will become one, then how could I hate. Sophie, we are better being two”.
Heart beat would be one. So, we could feel the feel things together, could feel the same way, could feel the destination at the same time, could feel the body. Ok Sophie.
Next day I woke up again. I checked the Facebook. Felt like one message came. But there was nothing like this. So many days passed but her message did not come. How many more I had to wait? How many more times I had to ask for forgiveness? I sent her message.
“You are bitch. You are bad girl, a dirty girl. You have problem in talking with me. You are bastard. You don’t feel anything. I said sorry many times, but you never try to understand me and my feeling and never thought to talk to me. you are bad girl”.
I was taking the long breathes. Had hatred in my eyes. I wanted to set fire to the world. Where would I throw this anger, where? See upside down, to control my anger. By this, started pain in my neck. I pressed slowly my neck to decrease the pain. I felt relief through this.” what is pain”, I could feel it.
Why this was happening with me, I did not know. Till date I never saw the other girl. I saw her only. And how she became. She was so nice in school. After seeing her smile, smile always came on my face. I left every dream and made her my dream. She became my dream, my way. It was difficult to live without her, and she became my life.
What I thought, we would live together. We would live alone. I would name everything to her. She would always be in front of my eyes. I would always sleep in her arms.
How could I let her go after so many years? This did not happen with everyone, I forced this nature to give back my love. How could I let her go? I kept her with my heart for all these years. She would go so easily. I could not let this happen.
I messaged her again. And there was no message of her.
“Sorry Sophie. Buddy, what I do. Whenever I wake up in morning in hope of your message, and your message don’t come, I feel angry. Sorry Sophie, my friend, Sorry. Talk to me. Say something. Sorry Sophie. Try to understand my friend, sorry. I am saying. It was my mistake. Talk to me, friend. Sorry friend. I said sorry also many times. Now don’t be angry”.
I was tired. Then also, I was walking ahead. I was angry, still I was talking normally. Reality was in front of me. Sophie was my dream, and finally my dream was so near to me. I wanted to feel her. Wanted to live with her.
I wanted to understand her, anyhow. Sophie was not telling me anything. Not even talking with me.
I checked her name on google, but find nothing there. I heard about Orkut. I opened one account in Orkut. I typed Sophie Marzban. It showed three profiles. I opened first profile, it was not the Sophie’s.
I opened second profile. In a profile picture, a girl was sitting in jeans and t-shirt. She was in a pose. It was old picture of Sophie. I recognized her. Maybe it was her modelling photo. There were many other photo’s like this.
I was reading her profile. Many things were written there, like hobby, cuisine, favorite place and other things. But one place something else was written there, turn on and turn off.
Turn on was looking strange. What I was thinking, I did not know. But it was looking bad. My brain was almost dead. That girl wrote everything openly. This bitch wrote anything and everything. What was turn on? What was that?
I did not write anything there. Anybody could read there in Orkut. I opened the Facebook.
And messaged her.
“you are bitch and bastard girl and a dirty girl. What do you write. I just checked the Orkut, you wrote many things and bad things like “turn on”. Do you have any shame? Any good girl doesn’t write these type of things. You write dirty things. What is this, you bitch. I don’t know, how I fall in love with you. You are bitch. You are dirty girl”.
Haaaaaa. My hand wanted to do something. I wanted to kill her. But she was not near to me. I punched on wall in anger. Laptop came in my hand but thought, how would I check the message if I would break it. So I did not break it. Still she was somewhere in me. Why? Why? She was bastard, she was bitch. “Sophie, what you get after doing this, you could live in a right way too.”
Haaaa Aaaahhhh. Hmm.
Haaa haaa. what this happened to me, why?. I heard that, love is bigger than anything, nobody can live without love. But Sophie did not have anything with this. haaaaaaaaaaa. What she wanted? In today’s world, love did not matter. Everybody was chasing this sex.
“Why I have tears in my eyes? For this bitch? I will never cry for her in future”. I lit the cigarette and took few puffs. But it was wrong. So I threw it away.
I saw the magazine, “the week”. My hands moved forward to pick the magazine. then I stopped. First I wanted to read but, it was no use. Earlier I read it for Sophie. I read paper for learning English. I kept myself always clean and good in shape. Always had proper hair and proper haircut. Just for that bastard. Who could not message me. Who never thought, about my feeling.
“How type of people is there in this world, so bad. They never think and feel. They can do wrong things and will feel good. But they cannot do right things. They don’t have any shame at the doing wrong things”.
“If someone die or live, it does not matter. If someone cry or has the pain, it does not matter”.
I did everything.
I dreamed to celebrate Christmas with Sophie under the stars. I wanted to live those moments. Wanted to live some moments with her. And this is life only.
But in her life……………………n her life, there was someone. How could I remove him from her memories, how?
Next day also, her message did not come. Did not know why she was angry. I sent her message.
“Sophie sorry. I want to talk. I know, sometimes I become angry. I know I said bad. Please talk to me once. I feel bad. We meet after so many years and there is not talk between us. Do you know, it feels bad. Sophie, I want to talk to you. I want to see you. Many years passed without seeing you. I really want to see you. Come and meet me. Talk to me. Please. I am saying sorry. If I made a mistake, Sorry”.
I sat on Facebook whole day, but her message did not come. Next day also, I checked but nothing came. I stopped sitting near to phone. But Sophie did not have the little bit shame. What she was losing in talking with me? I did not know.
One day I created a group on Facebook. I kept the name, “never let go till your last heartbeat”. I had complete control of opening the discussion and delete the comments.
I sent the request to Sophie to join this group and another request for becoming the co-owner of the group. I wrote one comment there also.
“those people who never let go what he wants in his/ her life. Dream hard till your last heart beat broken and in this process become a dreamer”.
I never thought that this would happen with me. A fool told once, we get what we think. I thought for her for the last 5 years. Few people said that, we get what we really want in real. “Was I fool, that I get my love after so many years and I don’t want her in real”. All nonsense. Girl wants only love in her life, only love. It is also lie.
What is world? I kept wrong things in my mind. I did not know, what problem Sophie had to be a right girl. I would love her so much.
I wanted to see her. Wanted to talk to her. I could convince her. I knew this. If I could talk, I could convince her. Did not know, why she was so much angry. I said sorry so many times but she never understood. Why she was angry.
“When the eyes open, someone came.
When tears flow, someone flew,
Someone was offended. Which was mine.
Left me on some turn,
When I close my eyes, she comes in a dream. Which was mine.
Who was in my heart.
Did not know why she was angry.
Do not say anything. Do not open the mouth.
Just gave me pain without saying anything.
Wanted a hug from her, and would complete my heart beat.
Would not live for her. So we would not die again and again.
Someone was offended, which was mine”.
I had thousand questions. But she never gave me an answer even of one question. Why she was angry. “Sophie tell me once”. Oh my friend. I could leave her from my heart beat.
I just loved you. Was this my fault? “tell me one time, why you are angry”. You were mine. I would name my life to you.
“what she wants. I become tired by convincing so many times. What was my fault. Tears also stop. Why you are angry Sophie. Sophie you were mine. You can tell me; I will not take anything to my heart”.
It was the first day of the next month. It was like the same day of yesterday. I checked the Facebook. But again the same thing. Wanted to enter in the Facebook and hit her. But how? Then I messaged her.
“are you mad? You don’t understand the simple thing, that someone is in problem. Do you know, how bad it feels? You don’t have any feeling about this. What type of girl you are? Why you don’t understand? Do you have a brain? By the way, you write dirty things and you can write dirty things. But you have problem in talking with me. Your brain is not working. Talk to me, to me. Do you understand? I want to talk to you. You don’t have any feeling that, how bad it feels. I want to see you. Understand?”.
Sophie was bitch. Why she was doing this to me? I knew she was wrong girl. Not wrong but bad and dirty girl. But I did not talk till that time. Maybe I was wrong. Then why she did not talk to me.
Why she did to me all this. Why she did not live like a right and good girl? Why she was doing this? She was not understanding a simple thing. Why, but why? But why? What crime I did. After all I was human being, if I made mistake. then what. Who did not mistake. She herself was not an angel, then why she was showing tantrums. After all this, I was ready to talk to her.
Maybe she was dirty girl. Like those girls, who liked to make fool of boys. Maybe I was wrong. If she was right, then why she did not talk to me.
What was the problem? We met after so long time. It happened in crore. Never thought that it would happen. I wanted to meet at least once. Talked with her at least once. I loved her. Maybe she wrote just like that “In a relationship. But why?
In afternoon, I opened the Orkut. I checked her profile. I saw a new thing “love is immortal”. Now what was it “immortal”. I checked in google. Immortal means “which never dies”, means love never dies.
I felt after reading. Then I checked the Facebook, she did not join the “never let it go” till that. I thought what would happen.
But after seeing “love is immortal”, I was feeling awesome. Maybe she wrote for me.
Then I checked Orkut. There I did not find anything new. I typed Sophie Marzban and found some group of this name. I checked one group, there was written something about the Sophie Marzban. That group was of one school. Joseph school, Chandigarh. Maybe she was in 8th or 9th class, that time. First comment was “Sophie had the attitude. Did not know what she thinks of herself”. In second comment “she was a no. 1 pros”.
What was that? I checked the Sophie’s profile, that school name was written there.
I was right. She was bitch, she was pros, a dirty girl. Groups were made of her name. She was really a bastard, bitch.
That’s why she talked with me again in school time. When I stopped talking to her. Why she came back again? She was bitch. If she would be right girl, by now comes the message.
I opened the Facebook, I had to message her. “she thinks of herself a heroine”. And in real she was bitch.
“You are a bad girl in real life. A dirty girl. Just now I searched on your name in Orkut. There was written in one group, that you are no. 1 pros. There must be something like that. Go there and search by your name. I was right, you are pros. A good girl never writes these things. You make so many friends. Go to hell, you bastard, you bitch. Go away from here”.
Did not know how I fell in love with her, a girl like her. What was the day? What were the moments?
Bitch, I loved her so much that even I could not write the pros meaning in Hindi to her. And she was like this, a bitch.
What happened? I was asking from the walls.
I punched on the wall. I was feeling bad for myself. Thumb of my right had had swollen. It was hurting. It was good, I deserved this.
No, it happened bad. I did not deserve this.
I wanted to meet her, once, wanted to see her. So many years passed. Who knew, I was wrong. How could I believe somebody without seeing her and talking to her. Maybe someone wrote in hatred. I also wrote many things. So it could happen. But how could so many things be wrong?
So why she wrote “in a relationship”. Maybe for showing the boys. So why she wrote in turn on and off. She should be left them empty. I was dreaming her; from first time, I saw her. I loved her in every moment. I wanted to meet her but I hated her too. Was this possible?
Every night I slept in her arms. But she did not have any feelings for this. I kept her with my heart like a lovely doll. I could not live with her. I did not message her for 3 to 4 days. I wrote pros in last message. Which was written in an Orkut. What could I do? Had to say sorry to her. Then I messaged to her.
“Sorry Sophie. I became angry. Something bad was written there in Orkut. See I am waiting for you for the last many years. Now it is enough, I cannot wait any longer. You don’t message me too. Solution will come out, when you will talk to me. See you are my lovely doll. Why you are angry. I am saying sorry. say something, at least something. Talk to me, one time only. Sorry Sophie, if I write something wrong. Sorry”.
I was so quiet. Every day I used to think, today Sophie would talk to me. But that day was not coming.
When I remembered old days, I found Loneliness and Sophie there. I had not done anything else, just dreamed her. Knitted story with her. I thought that, “whatever we think, it becomes”. That did not happen. But Sophie came back after so many years. But I wanted to live with her. wanted to sleep in her arms.
I did not have any friend except Ravi. I had only Sophie as a friend in Facebook also. And I deleted her too. She did not accept my friendship request again.
I searched a sexy girls group. There were many girls, who were member of that group. I sent friendship request to them. So they would become my friend. every moment I waited for her message. But she did not talk to me.
Wanted to hit my head on the wall. “the dreamer is finding the road on empty wall”, I was watching it. I stick another poster, that was of Thierry Henry. he was in Arsenal T-shirt. Old days came in my mind. When I played football all day. I was thin. Those days were awesome. I forgot everything at the time of paying football.
I did not play and stopped everything. I stopped watching football too. Just for Sophie.
Every moment I kept her face in front of my eyes. Never let her to go away. And now also I would not let her to go away from me.
“I never segregated you from me, Sophie, and never will do, you will live in my breath till my last heartbeat, I will keep you there, with love or hatred, it does not matter. I will not let you go”.
April’s second week started. Her message did not come. But other girls, whom I sent the friendship request, they accepted. Everything was good. I had friends too. Then I messaged her.
“Hi Sophie. How are you? I know my lovely doll is alright. See, I made these friends, so I can have also friends. Do you know, they accept the friendship request so easily? are you doing MBA? I am also going to do the MBA from same college, this year. this college is the best only in this area. Are you alright? Talk to me Sophie. Talk to me”.
What I was writing? I wanted to talk to her and I was writing bullshits. I thought I wrote for her to feel good. I loved her so much that’s why I called lovely doll. What could I write, so she would also talk to me. What could I do? What was next. Then remembered horoscope. Sophie was Leo. I was Capricorn, according to sun sign. I did not believe on this. But Sophie did. I saw on her profile.
I typed on google, Capricorn horoscope. There were so many websites.
First, I opened, today’s horoscope. Wrote on it. “while mercury left your work sector last week he will retrograde back in later in the month. And with Venus also returning later in the month there is a need to keep your mind open and your options open”.
It meant that, I should think with open mind. I checked another one, wrote on it “it is no wonder you are feeling prickly lately. You analyze the underlying meaning of every single conversation and take every comment as a personal attack- it is exhausting. Stop listening so intently and you will be back to your flirty self in no time.
So, I will come in flirty self. I knew it. I could convince her. It meant, she would talk to me and I would analyze everything”.
But she would say to me? I checked other sites also. This time I checked the weekly horoscope. I checked the next five months’ horoscope.
I checked the Leo horoscope. Wrote on it, “your past love will back in your life. Your parents will also agree. Everybody is happy”.
She was also waiting in real life. Just she was little angry. I abused her.
I sent her message again.
“Hi Sophie. How are you? I was missing you, that’s why I am messaging you. Are you alright? Sorry friend, if I made a mistake. Sorry Sophie, Sorry”.
It was night, I was on my bed. Was thinking, what was Sophie thinking. What she was doing? Then I remembered that, there was a comment on Facebook, which Sophie wrote, when I was her friend there. That comment time was at 1:48 am. I was thinking that, what she was doing late night. Were good girls write comments till late nights? I had thousand question for her. For that, first I had to meet her.
Next day I checked the Facebook, I was angry because she did not message me. This time I did not sent her message. I gave her little more time to think. But wanted to know about her. I checked in net. It was Hi-5. I got the profile of Sophie Marzban. A girl was standing near to flowers, in the profile photo. I did not recognize her. Maybe she was not my Sophie.
I checked her in My space too. She was not there. I did not found anything new.
Her message did not come in next one week. I got angry. If that time she would be in front of me. I would kill her. I checked her friend list. She added two more friends. That meant she came. I could not control myself and even I did not want to control myself. Then I messaged her.
“Are you out of your mind? You don’t understand that one boy is worried for you. Why you cannot talk to him? You can make friends in Facebook, is now 44, was 42. But you have problem in talking to me. Why don’t you accept my friend request? See you are not far away from me. It will take hardly 2 hours. And I will cut you in 100 pieces and throw you away. Why don’t you understand. Are you out of your mind. Are you really a dirty girl? I think you are enjoying, that somebody is in a problem”.
Then I lay down on bed, was thinking “Wow, what is love. One is becoming mad in love for someone and other is not even thinking about him. And a boy is loving her so much and the girl is treating his love as a shit”.
I was watching the Arsenal poster. I was remembering my old lovely days. When football was my part of life, only football. Oho, I was learning English, reading magazine. What a f#@king life I lived for her. There was no way for me. I heard somewhere, an old great fool said, when “one door close, 100 other open”. Where were those 100 doors. I was angry. I shut down the laptop. And went to stand by the window. There was a moon in sky. People compared Girl with the moon. But the best part of moon was, no matter how much you abused him, would come back every night.
People compared girls with moon. She was bastard. What could I do? I did not understand anything. What was my fault? Was loving someone a fault? My hands were swollen by punching on the walls. Waiting for the rain for crying. But rain was also not coming.
I shake my head to satisfy myself that, everything was fine and everything would fine. It became habit after some time. Ever see in the sky and sometime down, but never got the way. What could I do? what? I could not understand anything. Waiting for one message, just for one message. Horoscopes were wrong. But I had to check it every day.
Thought something and was happening something else. She was so bad girl. A girl who could not feel anything about me. What type of girl, she was? Then why she came back in school to talk to me, when I stopped to talk to her. I did not want to talk to her, even did not want friendship with her. And I did not say “I love you” to her. Others said to her or not. Who knew? She was a dirty girl. A girl who liked to see boys in tension.
I checked it again, next day. Her message did not come. I could not wait anymore. I sent her message again.
“there is no doubt that, you are bastard. I say sorry many times, but nothing enters in your mind. now what should I do? Cut my head and give it to you. Tell me. Are you mad? Do you understand anything? It is being so many years. Do you think that, you are doing right? other way, you make friends. And write anything you like there., turn on and else. Others also write things for you. You are whore “.
Why she came back to talk to me in school. Otherwise it does not make any sense.
Girls want love only, how much more love I have to do. I spend every day in dreaming. Every day, was same day for me. Wait so many years, only I knew. I only knew, how I did. Just kept her in my life. When became tired of creating stories, started creating new stories. Where gone those stories? where? When I remembered old days, there were nothing except Sophie. All days were fill with Sophie.
What happened and how? I remembered her school face.
Every day when I felt bad in English class, I remembered her.
I had waited for her, outside the school. And now also was waiting for her.
I just did the love. Was anything wrong in it?
Marriage was written in Intuition. Marriage and that also with her? She slept with him. Could she remove him from her mind? When I would sit with her, I would remind her about him. How would I tolerate this?
How? I loved her and I wanted myself in her mind and soul. What could I do? I spent many hours in front of Facebook. Just Waited for one message.
May had arrived.
I was thinking, that Sophie was like those girls. Who liked to play with boy’s feeling? Many strange things were coming in my mind. Sophie was in a relationship.
Maybe I could be wrong. So I tried to find out something good in Orkut. There was a place in Orkut, where anybody could write a phrase or one line. I saw this “cloud no. Nine” on her profile. I checked on net about this. I found that it was Bryan Adams song. But I did not know it meaning?
I checked and its meaning was “on the top of the world”. feeling wonderful.
Why she was feeling like this? What was to be with her? Her parents would persuade her. That “Aryan is a good guy”. What would happen. I did not understand anything. I checked her Orkut conversation. But she deleted all. I remembered her Email ID. I wanted to mail her, but I did not. Facebook was good to send the message.
After few days, I messaged her. I did not have any choice.
“are you out of your mind? Why don’t you talk to me? I wait so long. Why you don’t understand? Somebody is disturbed. And how he is feeling? Do you have brain? I become tired by saying again and again same thing. Listen Sophie, I love you so much that nobody can love you that much. You are my lovely doll for me. Please agree with me. I keep you in my heart with great love. Everyday I think about you. My lovely doll, talk to me. Don’t do this, good girl does not do like this. It is wrong. OK doll. See, you are good girl, Ok”.
I lay down and kept her in my arms. “today I will put to sleep her in my arms”. I had tears in my eyes. But I was putting to sleep her. I was away from reality, and it was my talent.
“be asleep Sophie, be asleep. Hmm with love. See, today we both are together. With love my doll, my queen”.
Next day again, same story happened, I checked Facebook and her message did not come. I thought “I should wait one more day”. But I was waiting only for the last many years.
I did not know, how I was trap in sorrow. I did not find the way. I was not forgetting that status, “in a relationship”. I wanted her to forget him from her mind and memories. How could I delete? Was there any way to delete it? Everything is possible. When we meet after so many years, when it can happen then anything is possible.
I searched on google about this. After sometime, I got a movie named “Pay check”. It was an English movie.
I went to the market. I asked to the Shopkeeper about this movie. He said “come in evening, I will bring it”.
I went back home and checked it again. But did not find anything valuable.
I was waiting for the evening. I was thinking, “ what I will delete from the Sophie’s mind”. Would she be right again? If something happens. How it will happen”.
In the meantime, it was evening. And I brought the CD. I watched the movie. It was nice movie. They showed two technologies. First was, “deleting memories by entering into the brain”. Second was through injection.
Was it possible? After all, it was a movie. It was based on a guy, who worked in some company, he had contract with the company that, “company will delete his memories at the end of the contract of work, so he would not give idea to anyone else”. In last he innovated the machine through which, anybody could see the future.
It could happen. But memory could come back, if we would relate things with past moments.
He had said one thing more. “if you tell someone’s future, his future is no longer left”. Really, if someone knows the future, then that is not the future. Future is something, which nobody knows.
Rightly said. I saw my future through my intuition. That Sophie and I would meet again one day. That’s why nothing left in my life. Life became lifeless. It was rightly said from one angle. It said one more thing. “if you take away mystery. You take away hope”.
I was happy, it could happen.
Ravi came and said we had to go to the wedding. That time I was on Facebook. Then I saw, Sophie changed her profile photo. And it was empty. But I had to go. But I sent her a message.
“Sophie, I know that currently you are here on Facebook. You just changed your profile photo. Now I have to go the wedding. I will come and talk to you. It is necessary to go. I will come back soon. Don’t go away”.
I went to the wedding with Ravi. And came back home soon.
I was thinking, what will be written by Sophie. Today I caught her.
I checked Facebook. I found a message there. But it was not her. There was link send by one of the “Sexy girl group” girl. The link for creating the account there and for chatting. For once, I felt like Sophie’s message has come.
Then I opened the Sophie’s profile, there was a same old profile photo. Then I sent her a message.
“You play with me. Today I caught you. You were there. Then also you did not talk to me. You feel good by doing this. You feel happy to see that; someone is going mad for you.
You bitch, what do you think, that I cannot live without you. You bastard, you bitch, you have the hobby to play with boys. It is fun for you. Good, you are bad girl, runaway, bastard”.
What she wanted. She wanted me to die.
I was tired. I was sleepy. But I did not want to sleep. I wanted to awake. I miss her to bed or I would try to sleep in her arms.
It was dark in my room but little light was coming from the outside. I wanted complete dark. I closed the window and lay down on the floor. Tears were flowing from the eyes. I was crying with my hands on my knees. Now was what to do next. I was going to do a message to her, that “I don’t love her and I don’t want any contact with her”.
But for one time, I wanted to read the horoscope. Maybe there was something for me. But now what was left. Bitch, what you had that I could not think to live without you. What could I do? I had so much pain my head. I was pulling my hair. No one told me, what could I do? I wanted to shout but could not. There were other people also in the house.
Dreams were broken. And falling one by one in front of my eyes.
I searched horoscope on google, but Leo’s. There was a website named Tony Hyland. There was written “today you will remember all those days which you spend with your old partner”. You bitch. She will remember ex-partner. And now also she has one. It meant she has boyfriend now also, but she had the boyfriend in the past also. She is really a bitch.
I made up my mind, that now no more. Let’s just end it here. She is dirty girl also. I sent her the last message.
“listen one thing, quietly. I read so many things about you. Whatever I read till now, everything comes out right and true. It is truth, you are pros. Do not know, how many boyfriends you had or have in your life. You are like that. You yourself write “in a relationship”, in your profile. so how can you be a good girl? You bastard, go to hell. Now I will never message you again. I loved girl like you, it is my fault. You are bitch, a whore. It does not matter to you. Here, I become mad. Good that, I find about you, what type of girl you are.
Now live comfortably, OK. Now find someone else. It is your work. Go to hell. I wait so long for you; you could talk to me once. But you are bitch, it is fun for you. Go to hell”.
I wanted to shout. But how? I did not have the place. What I did. Was love a mistake. I did that mistake. Why I loved her? Why that intuition came? It sucks. By the way, it was written true in intuition, that we meet. It depended on me to accept her or not.
“I sat in search of water, thirsty. What crime I did. All spring passed but don’t get the single drop of water”.
Was there love in this world? It was my question and answer? I did not have the answer.
Nowadays, people used to say “I love you” in phone. Some people through card, so some through the letter. I did not get chance to say on phone or through card. Because she never came in front of me.
Now everything was finished. I stopped thinking about her. “it is hard to forget something, by saying to your mind that you want to forget this”.
I stopped dreaming also.
Whole day I was thinking that, what type of girls are there in this world. Girls which like to play with the feelings of others. Did not know, why she did like this. I wished she would be good. How could I go away from her?
It felt bad, when dreams which I made, were breaking. It did not matter; they were good or bad. My dreams which I joint them with my life, how could I take out them.
What was my future. I did not know. I never told about his to anyone. But all those days were coming in my mind. How could I forget them? I could smell of those days. Sophie came and just because of her, now they were dirty.
Nothing was in front of eyes, now also she was there.
Did not understand anything. Thought to play football. Only football could do something, but did not go. She took away my football also.
Next day, I went for jogging. I was moving. That was only chance of my survival. Thought, leave it everything.
Around 10 am, I went outside again. I wore black jeans, white shirt and black shoes. It was my favorite. I liked black and white color. I never saw this world and I saw only Sophie. I was big [email protected]#ker.
Never travelled so many hours before. It was fun. I remembered school days. It was a blue sky. Someone was opening his shop, by taking the name of god. There was so much joy in the world. And was so many stories. had many things to do. And I lost my adulthood and youth on her. But still many things left. Some children were playing football in the ground. Now I wanted to play football. I played for around half an hour. Half the T-Shirt was wet in sweat. Some children came and said Big brother you played well. Now I had grown up. Until yesterday I used to say big brother to others, today others call me. So much time has passed.
I enjoyed a lot. ……………. I went home and started the laptop. Then I remembered, I did not have to open the Facebook. Then I went to bathroom and took and bath. But I did not have to do anything. Then I went to the Ravi’s room. I asked him to give something to read. He gave me “Letters to the daughter”. I thought, I read it before.
I had read a couple of pages and then I went to sleep. I wake in the morning and I still remembered few lines of that book. “believing in destiny means, you are the puppet of God”. But today I thought, I would go outside, again in afternoon and for playing football in evening.
First I went for jogging and then took the bath and wore the clothes. But suddenly rain started. She came in my mind I was thinking, why she comes in happy moments. But I stopped to think about her.
After a while, I opened the Facebook to delete those “sexy group girls”. They were bad girls. I added them just for the Sophie. But I saw one notification there. “Sophie Marzban accepted the group, never let go till your last heartbeat and now she was the co-owner of that group”.
I felt, “Sophie is back”. I opened the group, and she was there. She did not want me to let go or give up on her. She was back. She was here near to me. Then I messaged her.
“Hi Sophie. How are you? After a long time. Good that you accept the group. I am happy to see you in this group. Good that you come, I was tense.
You don’t say anything. I know that you are little angry. Are you alright? Hmm you are little lovely doll. Be fine. I lost the complete faith, Ok bye Doll”.
I was so happy, so happy. Finally, Sophie accepted it. She came. At time, when I was almost leaving her, she came back. This happens many time. When you lose all hope and leave your dream completely and one last chance come as a reminder. That do one more push. It tells that don’t quit.
Now I was waiting for message. I was checking the Facebook again and again, but her message did not come. Maybe she was outside. That night I did not sleep. Cigarette was under the pillow. But I did not smoke. It was bad. I wanted to remain clean. Next day too, her message did not come.
Did not know, why she did not message me in a week. She came there in that group to remind me about her. That I should let her go. Maybe she was making fun of it. She was showing me, “see Aryan, you were doing big talk, what happens now. That finally you give up in five months only”. She was laughing on me. That’s why she came there for laughing on me. to make fun of me? She would be laughing with her friends. She would be laughing on me that “see you made the group, never let go”. And he gives up in 6 or 7 months only.
She came there for this, so she could make fun of me. how could someone be a such a bastard. I could not believe. If she had to meet me or talk to me, she could send me the message or call me. She never wanted to talk to me. but she was bitch.
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Aaaaah haaaaaa. Because I already told her that, I would never again write a message to her. Why she did like this to me. First I deleted her from that group and as a co-owner too. Then I messaged her.
“You are bastard. You are bitch. You were laughing on me. That’s why you joined that group, to make fun of me. You are laughing on me. What I can do. Do I have anything else to do? After seeing you in school, I never do anything else. I never go to college too. So don’t to forget you, you bitch. And when you meet again after so many years, and you are not talking with me. Is there any other option left for me? Or you want me to die. What do you want? Do you want me to die? I have parents. And you want me to die for you. Laugh on me, good. You bastard, you bitch, don’t laugh on me. Otherwise I will kill you. I will cut you in 100 pieces and threw you away”.
“Why you came back in school, when I stopped talking to you. That’s why I did all this. Why you came back? And you remind me that day, when I fell in love with you, you bitch. Remind me that sports day, when I asked you, do you remember me. You could remind me anything else. But why only that day. I did not recognize you in Facebook. And I did not say anything to you in school. And I stopped talking to you in school. Why you came back in school? Why you called me many times after that? Why you always talked to me, why? Tell me you bitch. I really want to know. Or what do you want? You want me to die. What I have to do, tell me. When I will die, then you will feel happy. I know. I did not know that; you can fall down this much”.
She was whore and she was laughing on me. Making fun of me because I opened the group of “never let go”. Otherwise she could talk to me directly. She had my number. She could message me also. But no, she joined the group only. Bastard, what she thought of me. She thought, I was fool. Only good girl could understand about me. But I fell in love with a bitch a whore.
But I did the mistake. Made my life miserable. She dropped me in my eyes only. I never thought of this in my life. She was laughing on me. A girl, which I loved so much. For her I left everything I had. A girl for whom I did not live my life. She was making fun of me.
Where could I go? What could I do? Never thought of like this. Never thought in my dream. That something like this could happen to me.
I opened the Facebook. Something came down for open. I found that it was for chatting. Then I knew that we could chat in Facebook also. I was wondering, how many time Sophie had come for chatting. When she was in my friend list. And I did not know about this.
I did not know, what she got after doing all this. And why she did this to me. She would be laughing somewhere on me. If I would die, she would feel happy.
I just did the love. Was it my mistake?
What happened with me. Sophie’s laughing face used to be in front my eyes. I felt like I should hit her head. I was jealous of her laughing face.
She would be kill by my hand. What would happen to the mom and dad.
One day, I opened the Facebook.
I was watching the chatting box. I never noticed that, when she was in my friend list.
I did not see her profile. But one thing always coming in my mind, why she came in school, when I stopped talking to her, why?
I wanted to know this. I did not want to go away without knowing it. I was ready to waste few more years for knowing getting the reply of my question.
Then I messaged her.
“I want to know. Why you came back, when I stopped talking to you. Why you started to talk again. Tell me. I do not want to love you. Nor I want to live with you. Just tell me why you came back”.
Wait was not finished yet. It was left. I knew that, she would not tell me like this. Next day again I messaged her.
“Listen Sophie, I want to know. Why you always came to talk to me. Because I stopped to talk to you. Then why? Tell me. I do not want to live with you. Nor I want to marry you. You go, where you want to go. I am not saying anything”.
Now I used to hate her. I did not want to see her face. Her profile picture which I saved in my laptop, I deleted it. But I wanted to know, why she came back. There was no second life. Or I would keep this question for whole life. I wanted to know now only.
I sent her message again.
“Listen Sophie, I wait my whole life for you. And if again I will wait for your reply then it is not good. No matter how bad is somebody, but he has little goodness in him. So tell me, tell. Why you came back? Why you came back to talk to me? Try to understand. OK, try to understand”.
Next day again, I checked the Facebook. But nothing entered in bitch’s mind. Did not know, how she would understand. I again messaged her.
“See, Sophie, do you have any brain? Or are you the biggest bitch for the world? Understand it and tell me. Don’t call me. You bitch, I am asking for one message. Only one message”.
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. whole day I sat just in front of this [email protected]#$ing laptop. but this bitch never tried to message me.
Next day again I messaged her.
“bastard, you have problem in writing a single line. You have to write just one line. Why you came back? I did not call you. Do you want me to die? Then you will get happiness. Then you will get. Bastard, bitch, whore. Are you pros? tell something”.
I waited for next 15 days. But she did not send me the message. But I wanted. I wanted an answer. Whatever will be. But I wanted an answer. I wanted it.
I loved her so much but now I could not. Then again, I messaged her.
“See, I will not die, till you say something. Have you heard it? Came to mind or not, would not come. Listen, I want to know. Do you understand what I say? I want to know why you came back there again to talk to me. Do you understand or not? Do you know how to read? It is just a simple question. Understood it. Take the whole month and think comfortably, OK. Ok giving you whole month. I will be hurt but you take time. I cannot wait so much but you bitch, you take your time”.
This time, I gave her much time. I checked every day, but she was bitch, how could she message me.
I waited for whole month. She again showed me her true face. I wanted to tell her, how I lived all those days, months, and years. But for her nothing mattered. A girl who wanted me to die. It was better to keep my feeling with myself.
Or tell her, that I checked the Facebook in night at 3 am for her message. By sitting on the laptop in dark for so long hours, now water comes from the eyes.
I became tired from the body and the mind too.
I became so tired that, I felt empty from inside. I was angry. What is love, how to love, I did not know. I used to hate every girl.
One day some kids were making noise in the lane. I saw them from the window. Then I heard “gooooooooal”.
I remembered school days. When football was my life. Usually came back home in wet shirt. there was a different joy in scoring the goal. I lived away from football so many years. Lived away from mom and dad. Never make a friend. Did not have the history. It was Sophie only. You could call her my past, present and future.
Sometime I saw the sky then the down on earth. When somebody is worried, he does the same thing. He knows, he will not get anything by this. But I also used to do it.
Thirty days over, I wanted to do a message. But I gave her one more day. I knew Sophie will not message me ever. I did not have any hope.
Next day I messaged her.
“Do you want me to cut my body and give you? Or when my blood will flow, then you will feel happy. Do you have mind? I already told you that I don’t love you. Can anybody love you? My mind is working. I cannot love you.
Listen, I had, OK but you know that you are not a good girl. I don’t want any contact with you. I don’t want to meet you. Do not want to live with you. Try to understand. Do whatever you want to do. Just tell me why you came back to talk to me, when I stopped to talk to you. I have just a simple question. Do whatever you want to do in your life. OK, Do”.
I was tired with all these things. I knew she would not message me. Next week I messaged her again.
“listen Sophie, it is a simple thing. I don’t want any contact with you. You can roam with boys and make friends. It does not matter to me. But this question will remain forever, if you will not say anything. See, already 7 years has passed, 11^th^ class, then again 11^th^ class then 12^th^ and then graduation and now one more year. Just for you, I have wasted all these years. If you will not say, then I will think about this my whole life. Think little bit. Please think please, think”.
Next week also passed but her message did not come. Then 3 more weeks but she did not write a message to me. I checked on net to find her fu%*$g number. But did not find.
I thought to delete my account from Facebook. But there was no option for deleting the account. But I wanted the answer of my question also.
I searched a lot about deleting my account. But I found to block someone’s account. Then how could message her. But I was thinking that “if I can block her, why she is not blocking me”. Maybe she wanted to meet. No, she was playing with me. Everything was against her.
I hated myself. She laughed at me. She was the real bastard.
But how could somebody be so bad. She tantalized me, like, my breathe was going separated from me. When I looked back, I saw her only.
Sometime I wanted to die, but for her? No way. I lived my whole life in dreaming of her. When I first saw her, I thought to marry her. My parent is nice, there would be no problem.
When I found out that she had a boyfriend. I was thinking, how would I delete him from her mind? Was it possible? Oh no.
But today I needed that machine. But then I wanted to delete her from my mind. But I kept her in my heart for 6 years. Could I forget her so easily? “don’t know how many years it will take to forget the bitch”. I wanted to forget her. But how? Ah.
I did not have any words to write her.
I did not find anything new to write her, anything through which she could be convince. So, I wrote her in old way.
“Sophie, I will never write a message to you. See, I loved you. But not now. Now I don’t love you this much. I don’t need you Sophie. this is right, and that’s why I am saying. It was not in my hand. I saw something bad. And I could not control myself. So I wrote it. I was waiting for you. It was not tolerated. And you also did not message me ever. See, I don’t want anything with you. Many years have gone. Do you want me to ask you till the end of my life?
See, I am very angry. Feel like to kill you. You can make friends, roam with boys. Do whatever you want to do, but leave me. You are bitch. Go and sleep with somebody. I don’t have any problem with that.
See, listen carefully. I don’t want from you. What you do or not. I swear, I will never write a message again to you. Just tell me why you came back in school time, when I stopped talking to you. What was it meaning? My decision will not change. Write whatever you want to write, OK. I will never ever again send you the message. Is it OK? Please Sophie, write. Tell something. I cannot wait my whole life. You are understanding, tell something. I am saying, I will never send you a message, never ever. It is my promise. And what I will do of you. You have the boyfriend. Then what I will do of you.
Please now say something. I will never again write anything, sure. Why I will write? You tell me. Just give the answer of that question. Say anything, my decision will not change. And I will not ask you anything more, OK. It’s my promise. Sophie, promise”.
I did not know how many more days or months I had to wait. Because nothing entered in the bitch’s mind. I did not understand, what could I do. I was feeling like a mad boy. Asking again and again same question from myself. What could I do? What, what, what could I do? “ya, what could I do ARYAN”.
My body was paining due to less sleep. I thought to go outside to divert my mind.
But how many days I could live without checking Facebook. I went the backside of home. I smoked one cigarette. There was one message. It was Sophie’s message. Yes…I was happy. Last time I felt that much happy, when first time I saw Sophie in school. I was so much happy. Finally, she sent me the message. I opened and started reading it. Was written in it.
“fuck it. Do you get it. I don’t have any love with you. I did friendship with you because everybody used to laugh on me, due to your English. If you fall in love with me, it does not mean to me anything. And one more thing, don’t dare again to send the message. OK”.
The Secret Rest Here
Fuck it, do you get it. Fuck it, do you get it. Fuck it, do you get it. I get it, Sophie. I understand this much English Sophie. Fuck it, do you get it.
She talks about the daring. You bitch, do you know what is the meaning of dare? I can kill you. I am just leaving you. Because I have parents. She talks about dare. What she thinks of herself? Is she an angel? If she made me friend that’s why nobody laughed on me. I wanted to do a message to her. I wanted to say thanks to her.
“thank you sophie. thank you. Leave it, whatever you write, it is wrong or right. It does not matter to you. By the way, Thank you. I will not message you again. Don’t take tension. Go away. I just wanted to say thank you. Because I cannot wait entire life for your message. Thank you Sophie”.
You bitch, were you an angel? You made me friend and then everybody stopped laughing on me. But I did not get the answer of my question. Why she came back again? You bitch, whyyyeee, I had time but I could not waste for her. She messaged me almost one year. I did not message her again. No, but question was there still. I did not have any power left in me. My brain was tired. I got the answer, fuck it, do you get it. waaaah. Waaah.wow, wow. “Is this the love? Wow, love is immortal, Oho”.
She was in my eye’s dream. What I did. I hated myself. What people laugh on me; I was laughing on myself.
If a person falls in the eyes of himself, then what should he can do.
“Fuck it. Do you get it. Ah, ya I get it not I don’t get it”.
I hated myself.
I did not have power to talk to her again. Did not know, when he would message me again. What happened with me? What? Why angel used to come in my dream? What she told me that “I will get whatever I want in my life in this world and from this world”. What the meaning of that intuition? Then we will meet again and I will marry her. Why this happened to me. I kept her with myself for seven years. Now do not know how much time it will take to forget her. “Now I need that technology. A machine which can delete bitch’s memory”.
She is here in heart; how can I live with her? I will take out the bitch from my mind and heart. I hit my head on the wall. it was paining and I liked it. I kept her in my body and I wanted to take her out. I love her. I am waiting for her for the last 7 years, my seven rainbow years. How can I forget her?
Do you know? I love you Sophie. Listen Sophie, we can start a chapter, like the old time. Let’s start again, Hi Sophie. How are you? Are you alright. I am fine. After a long time. You are like the school girl, Sophie. You don’t change at all. Just time has changed a little. I wait for you, Sophie. Don’t cry my lovely doll. I will never go away. I will live with you. Don’t cry my doll. Don’t cry. Ohh my lovely doll. listen, don’t cry. See I am here with you. I know it hurts. Now we will live together. Near to each other. Hmm, you are my little lovely doll. So don’t cry. Sleep in my lap, come, sleep in my lap. Hmm, keep your head here. I can see myself in your eyes after so many years also. What you are seeing? Don’t see like this. Otherwise I will fall in love again. If you will see my old days, you will find yourself. This is me, and you are in me also.
Why you are standing far away. Come near to me, Sophie. Hi Sophie, how are you. Are you alright? I am fine. Don’t cry. I know it hurts a lot. I wait so much. Come and hug me. And complete these heartbeats. Now we will not anywhere and will live together. Don’t cry, Sophie.
Hi Sophie. How are you? Why you are standing far away. Don’t cry. Haha. Come near to come. hahaha. Sophie now don’t go away. Hmm, now always live close to my heart. ya like this. I will not go anywhere. Will live with you. Sophie, say something. Wait is bad, Sophie. Do you know Sophie, see the past, in every moment, I knit you. I forget my youth, now be with me.
Hi Sophie. Hi. You are alright. Hug me Sophie. Ya like that. Ya I will not go away, OK. What you said? You also love me. I will not go anywhere. haha, OK, come, near to me.
Sophie. I never sleep. Let me sleep in your arms. You are lovely doll. ……………………………………ya like that ……………………cover with your hair……………………………ya like that………………………………………………………………………………………. Sophie, Hi, how are you? Why you are standing far away. Come near to me. Love me Sophie. I am hungry for love.
………………………. Hi Sophie. How are you? after a long time. Don’t cry. Don’t cry my doll. I love you. Let me sleep in your arm. Do you know one thing.
“Once a dream came. I cannot say that it was a dream because I was not sleeping that time. She was standing in front of me. That day when she rejected my proposal, and said she just wanted a friendship with me. That time everything was black out”.
That was a school day. she said these words after the school, when she called me at no. 2 gate”. “Then it came in my mind”.
“We will meet again in my life, after few years in some different place and then we will marry”.
She meets me after so many years. Now I get the time to sleep in her lap. I am getting so much rest after long time. Like an old school times.
There is just Sophie’s name in every passing moment, and in uncountable seconds, will you want me to tell the story?
Old friend: ya, sure. I really want to know, tell me Aryan.
Who are you? Why are you shouting? Don’t disturb her, Sophie does not make boyfriend, go away from her, leave her alone. See, she recognizes me. Don’t cry Sophie, don’t cry. I know. It hurts.
Hey, I will tell my story. Wait.
She is waiting for me, in PVR Rivoli.
Don’t cry Sophie, don’t cry. I already cried a lot. Believe me. Come doll, come here, hug me.
Don’t go away sophie. We just meet after a long time. Come one. Let me sleep in your lap, my baby, my doll.
Hey you wall, why you are looking at me, like this.
My doll, just has come. See, she is here, in my room. Say hello, say hello.
See sophie, I created you with the help of this wall. See it is saying hello to you. Now it is your turn to say hello.
Spread the love, in this beautiful world. Sophie, you come here and this places becomes the heaven.
Heaven? Ya heaven. I am right.
Why you are laughing? You are an angel.
Do you think that you are not? So, who you are? Not angel then what, are you bitch. You whore. Am I right? You are pros. Oho you are laughing again.
It does not matter to you. You are bitch. Ya. You are nodding your head.
If I will make love with you. Will you remember your ex-boyfriend, my doll? If I will kiss my doll, you my doll. You are my doll,ok. If I will kiss you, will you sometime remember your boyfriend?
So how I will make love?
Say? I know how.
I will never make you to youuuuuu.
Got it. After long time, I am sleeping on your lap.
I was joking. You never make boyfriend in your life. I know that. Because I am the creator. You are clean like the venom. So, clean. My doll. Look at me. How much I love you.
I am there only, from where I started. I stop the time. It is my world in my way. Look at it. How beautiful it is. See, on walls there are your name, my doll Sophie. You can smell yourself here.
Ya hug me like this. Ya like this.
Don’t stop me. I want to cry, my doll. Don’t stop me. You were right. “Fuck it do you get it”. I get you still, you are not mine. You are my world and I am yours’? Am I?
Really. I know you love me. Just look at me like this. But I cannot make love with you. Don’t see me. You will remember all those people with whom you slept in your life. Don’t look at me. Don’t look at me like this, in such a loving way. Oh, my doll.
Don’t fear from me. Don’t fear. I will just make you blind. Just blind. So, then you will not see me. So, you will not remember them.
Ok, my fault. My fault. I am wrong.
If I will hold your hand after, make you blind. Still, you will get the feelings. So, what I have to do now. Kill you?
Should I kill you then there will not any feeling at all.
Should I? but who knows, we will meet there, above the sky.
What should I do? What should I do? I should take out your heart. And replace it. Like it? Do you like it?
But it is you’re here in the mind, in your mind.
See, this is my blood. You are here in this blood. You are flowing in this vein. Love is not immortal. It is mortal. It will go with me. See, are you listing the heart beats? They are calling your name.
Oh, my doll, don’t cry. Your tears are like the diamond for me. Don’t cry. I will not do anything with me. Don’t cry.
Come and hug me. Sleep here on my lap. Or come here in my arms. Ya just like that.
Ya just like that. Ya just like that.
Ah. I wanted just this. A little hug. My doll, oh my poor doll. Oh doll.
See my past, you will see yourself in every page of it and in every line.
Hey, sophie, what are you doing here in this mall? Hey common, my doll, don’t cry, I know after a long time. I already cry so much. You recognize me so easy. Come and hug me, my doll.
Don’t love me this much, sophie. Ok, as you wish. Come, sit here. I am here. don’t worry. And never leave me again, ok? Okkkk? Good.
Don’t do this. You don’t have to do any work. Just sit here on this chair. I just want to see you, all the time. Don’t do anything. I knew that our parents knew everything. I knew it, from starting. So much wait. I can understand.
Don’t go away again,okzzzz. Good.
Where is out boy, sophie? What you said? Sleeping? Today, he has his school. Tell him to wake up. Education is necessary.
Don’t cry. Why you cry, sophie? See, we are one. We are here, together under the moon and the sky, I know that, after a long time.
Why you said this? Hmm, “fuck it do you get it”. It hurts. Don’t stop. I got you. You just abuse my love. How can you?
Ok, ya, I know that, you love me. Ok,ok. Don’t cry. My doll, hahaha, come here. hug me. Let me sleep in your lap. Ya like that old times.
Hi Sophie, how are you? After a long time. Haha Don’t cry.
“Sophie: Why I will cry? I just went to the bathroom. Ram was bathing. He is just a baby.
I know you love me very much. Stop this now. I am with you for last 3 years”.
See he is crying, Sophie. He is just a baby. He is hungry. Breastfeed him. Take him. Come now, Sophie.
I love you, Sophie.
“Sophie: Aryan, I know you love me. Why you always tell me the story? I know you love me a lot. But love me too in reality. Be with me”.
You are there, ah, hmm in front of me. Oh, can you hug me? Wait.
Sophie, don’t cry. I am yours. Ok today onward I will love you only. I will do nothing else. I will love you all the time, Sophie.
Written by Chanchal
“Sophie, come here, do work after sometime. First breastfeed the baby. See he is crying. He is hungry. My little baby. Oooo ooo my little baby. Don’t cry, your mama is coming. See she is coming”. He is so beautiful, isn’t Sophie? His smile is also beautiful. He smiles like you. Hey my baby. Give some space for me also. Oye oye, huhu. Ok Ok, first drink the milk. Then we will play. Don’t see me like this. Otherwise I will fall in love with you again, Sophie. I know you like smile. I know you love me so much. Falling in love is the beautiful experience of life. The life becomes full of dreams. Dreams which fly like a butterfly in the sky. But sometime, love dreams become day dreams and then the love addiction. Addiction is dangerous for life, because do love more than enough makes the life miserable not beautiful. where are going? Oh it is a bath time. Ok bring him back after Ram getting back. We will play together. This time you should join us. I thought that I am alone now. But I am not. My best friend is here. Oh I am back, after a long time. Ya, I am happiest man alive in this world. I am with my love my friend. My days’ sunshine like the sun and night twinkles like the star. You know everything. How I get my love back in my love. You only were there with me. Oh, let me tell you about my life. There were days which used to sunshine.