Date Version, April 21, 2017
Author: Billy Oxkidd
Library of Congress,
This entire Copyrighted work, original, unique, and without exception, absent of all external influence, all rights reserved, any resemblance to identities of persons living or dead, purely coincidental. No use of this work or any part thereof, permitted without prior permission in writing from the owner of the copyright herein. No part or whole of this work may be published, reproduced, copied, distributed, shared, digitized, retrieved from storage or transmitted by any means whatsoever, without prior explicit permission in writing from the owner of the copyright herein, or in the circumstance, if electronically published, governed by the authorized distributor’s terms and conditions, excepted by the copyright owner.
Serious Risk of Personal Injury, Including Death. The content materials contained within this book are not intended for use as a medical self-help guide. No treatment, cure, medical advice or medical instruction is offered or given in this book. Do not copy or otherwise emulate anything contained within this book. Seek medical care and treatment from your Physician for any and all your health cares requirements. This Book is comprised solely of a memoir of one person’s personal experiences, thoughts, opinions, and conclusions. This book’s contents, solely intended for educational and leisure reading purposes. Anything that you shall personally do, based on what you read in this book shall be solely your own responsibility. No responsibility or liability of any kind whatsoever is assumed for any reasons whatsoever for anything associated with this book, including, but not limited to inaccuracies,
Daily seamlessly existing amongst ourselves, interfacing with, so called normal society, unseen, unknown and unrecognized lives, societal paralleling structured lives, seamlessly living and interacting without complaint amongst ourselves. Some such paralleling societal lives, easily seen and easily recognized as such, those of so called, societies fallen, however even these easily recognized as societal fallen, still recognized, tethered and accommodated to some degree within normal societal structures. However other tentacle expressions of unseen, unknown and unrecognized solitudes existing amongst ourselves, living societal paralleling lives, unobtrusively plying their daily lives from the outer fringes of societal membership, complying with normal societal structured rules and responsibilities, however absent of inclusive societal memberships societies fruits. Amongst these tentacles of societal unknowns and unrecognized, I intently personally know, myself for twelve years a previous member of societies such unknown.
My hypotheses understandings, ourselves as Humans are intellectually and physically, essentially the produce of a complex symbiotic synergy partnership between the intellectual and the physical, such involving Primal intellect, Personal intellect and Physical embodiment. In essence this symbiotic partnership comprised of two intellects operating and defending a Physical embodiment and a Physical embodiments supplying a home and the sustenance for both intellects, a classic example of symbiosis.
My interest is of the symbiotic relationship between two intellectual embodiments, Primal Intellect and Intellectually Accessible Controllable Intellect. One member of this synergistic intellectual partnership, Primal intellect, the intellect unknown, inaccessible and uncontrollable by ourselves, amongst its varied responsibilities and duties, foremost its commitment, duty and responsibility, acting in each our own best interests, collecting, storing and continuously processing all manor of psychological, emotional and practical fragments and, incomplete fragmented information, disassociated and incomprehensible knowledge, such knowledge essentially irrelevant to our intellectual Accessible Controllable Intellect, such inaccessible and fragmented information essentially useless to our accessible Intellect. We have no intellectual control over Primal Intellect; Primal intellect will do as it pleases for its own charged reasons as it pleases, without our permission, however Primal Intellect normally solely fiercely committed to our individual overall defense and betterment.
The second of two Intellects involved here, our Accessible Controllable Intellect, such intellect not directly involved in formulating emotional and psychological content, as such, emotional and psychological content believed by me, formulated within Primal intellect. The assessable controllable intellect we all employ daily in understanding and interpreting of all things affecting our lives and the world around ourselves, including its employing of emotional and psychological content forwarded to it from Primal intellect. Accessible controllable intellect can only be aware of emotional and psychological matters, things we dream, hope and pine, emotional, psychological and compassionate, etc., etc., but our accessible intellect cannot accomplish intellectual tasks if in absence of required impute information, however Primal Intellect is well versed in building and eventually arriving at conclusion, solely employing fragmented, missing and disassociated pieces of input information.
In essence our existing two separate symbiotic synergistic Intellects, one Intellect, intellectually controllable and one Intellect Primal, nebulous and intellectually uncontrollable by our assessable controllable Intellect. Normally, if such condition as normal existing within society, when our both intellects are functioning somewhat normally, Primal Intellect accomplishing its appointed duties with full access to itself and also having full access to our accessible controllable Intellect, however our accessible controllable Intellect having no access to Primal Intellect. In the case of my youthful psychological wounding at youth, I maintained and fiercely defended my option, separating both Intellects, maintaining and exercising full control over my accessible controllable Intellect, while quietly carrying the mysteriously wounding burden of my Primal Intellect.
Now in antiquity of my lifetime, many decades earlier during my second decade of youth, my Primal Intellect is responding to matters, my self, my Accessible Controllable Intellect then have little to no understandings, I am somehow mysteriously psychologically eviscerated from within full societal membership. For Primal Intellects nebulous reasons, finding myself during my youth psychologically completely devoid of normal societal membership, my Primal Intellect then functioning as it pleased or as compelled for good reason, however apparently then not symbiotically functioning in my best interests as pledged. I did not understand at this earlier time, the existence of this symbiotic pledge of sacred relationship between Primal Intellect and Accessible Controllable Intellect, as something having disrupted such sacred symbiotic relationship between intellects, intern eviscerating myself from societal membership.
No peace no solution, excruciatingly brutally wounded, the spawn of such psychological wounding cloaking my Primal Matters, internally psychologically severing me from societal inclusion, disconnecting and eviscerating my societal cohesion. I drive hundreds of miles in no particular directions, to no particular places, total exhaustion is my only prize, and upon claiming such prize, returning exhausted to my layer and merciful sleep. My detached societal separation during these times, best appraised, as myself standing alone on the moon, and alone looking back at earth, pining for some bridging the vastness of unbridgeable chasm between earth and moon.
Throughout all gauntlet challenge, I maintain full and strong intellectual Accessible Controllable Intellect control over responsibilities and life actions, as I understood at the times, even while Primal Intellect remaining dysfunctional and nebulously wounded. Having no control over Primal Intellect, something I could then do nothing about, accepting solely employing my intellectual prowess in effort of self-defense. In such attempted intellectual defense of self, I established some loose defensive protocol measures, creating my very own paralleling societal structure version of society to surface my emotional and psychological needs. I also resolved to carry my Primal affliction as absolutely totally private, solely known only to myself. The reasons for my strategy of hyper privacy, my understanding that my Accessible Controllable Intellect being intact, and myself have the strength and capacity to privately carry my complex Primal Matters within and without complaint, such strategy intern allowing myself, full access societal interfacing within and throughout normal society, even though myself existing on the outer fringes of such normal society. Myself well versed and experienced while living in my defensively created paralleling societal lifestyle and my strategy of hyper privacy, then allowing myself to be known and viewed by way of actual personal societal interaction. My high stepping professional societal interacting conduct, societal excepted and at times even envied, however sadly in reality, such adulations, even though well earned by my societal interacting, I remained trapped on the fringes of society and in absence of its fruits, myself a non existing societal member.
Primal Intellects psychological societal evisceration of my life; I am living and drifting aimlessly on the outer fringes of societal access and fruits, deeply pining my absence of societal cohesion, societal comradely and personal emotional interaction. Now driven by my compelling needs, somehow circumventing and pacifying my societal ostracizing emotional brutality and recognizing that I could not afford to linger without control, without purpose and without direction in my life or certainly to be irrevocably lost. My defensive intellectual response to this predicament, I slowly begin a process, creating my own unique paralleling surrogate version of societal membership where I can exist.
My societal cohesion fully destroyed, I am now in poor position, for many understandably good reasons, unable re-establishing such societal cohesion between society and myself in general. I remain nomadic with lair, however without home, as home being not a domicile of roof and mortar, but a visceral encompassing a place where roots may exist and grow, a place where the heart is content, a place where the soul is enriched, and a place where emotional contentment may dwell, such home non existent to me. Daily nomadically living within my societal vacuum desert on the fringes of society, absence of home, absence of societal cohesion, I remain deeply wounded, my life fragmented, acquaintanceship isolated, societal root structures destroyed. Ultimately finding myself fully immersed within my new societal disconnect and variant alcohol lifestyle, its intensity and potency remaining truly excessively extreme, however my outer display of self stoically continuing functioning seamlessly throughout all decades yet to come and then fleetingly pass.
Within my defensive creation of my very own alternate surrogacy, paralleling societal normal, contained those things I pined deeply, viscerally needing, social comradely, social interaction, social glamour, excitement and continuing new experiences and possibilities, but most of all, the most allusive, a visceral emotional union with like minded other. Satisfying my societal paralleling lifestyle, I am fanatic, all in, outside of making my living, insatiably perusing that which no longer exists for me. My daily and nightly pursuit of that I so viscerally needing, distance is no object, weather is no object, storm and fog is no object, day in and day out, year in and year out, decades coming and then passing, such ferocity, I am driven, however high and low, high or low, sustaining me throughout all onslaught.
My subculture’s potency, my fragmented life structure, my heavy alcohol use, my self-ostracizing, my life solely existing on the outer perimeters of society, all such intensities somewhat moderating over the eons in time, however all still remaining potently present and nothing I can do about this. My lifestyle is not only negatively habituating to my life, however conversely also positively habituating by spawning desirable trappings of novelty, excitement and true adventure in my surrogate societal life, comforting my intense internal societal craving needs. My paralleling societal life, not only considered societal abnormal by me, but also by society itself, if ever widely exposed as existing. My new lifestyle demeanour is comprised of extremes, of limitless freedoms, of high adventure, and of continuous optimisms presenting few bounds for me. I remain adrift deeply deprived of societal inclusion, such societal membership inclusion that most others taking for granted. However I have no way of return within the normal society family. Without choice and without option, I daily insatiably pursue mirages of emotional societal inclusion, myself endlessly attending social bright light social venues, drinking bars and clubs in search of absent comradely.
Daily living completely within my paralleling societal subculture alcohol lifestyle, myself credibly appearing to all observers, totally unaffected by my excessive alcohol conduct. Indulging in my daily alcoholic activities, executing my own interest needs, while attending at many different public social venues of my own choosing. Some such social venues of my interests, separated by considerable geographical distances each day, during my never ending perpetual searching for activities of my fancy and the comradely available at such venues. The kinds of alcohol I usually consume, Amber types of Rum, Beer, and sometimes Schnapps, but never, ever wines of any kind, true even when hung over, no liquor or beer available, still at such times I will never touch any available wine.
Those considered as societal normal people, not credibly believing or capable of comprehending the amounts of alcohol that I routinely daily consumed. My routine daily consumption of Alcohol during my third, five-year trimester, of virtual three trimesters, involving at , some 40/50 oz. of liquor daily, and perhaps a minimum one dozen beers, seven days a week, such without hiatuses, layoffs or hesitations interrupting such consuming of alcohol. My alcohol consumption during the first, and second of these three, five-year trimesters, perhaps half less, as indicated in my final third five-year trimester. The staggering amounts of alcohol consumed by me, without embellishment, accurately representing the material facts at hand. I was also always disciplined, motivated, and industrious in all matters of daily life, eagerly self-employed, earning my own living while within my paralleling societal alcohol subculture’s tenure.
My daily activities comprising two categories of activities, eagerly applying initiative, and responsibility in all daily matters of earning my living each day, otherwise I am fully engaged within my alcohol activities, including tirelessly fancifully searching for that which will not existing for me. Never contemplating on my own circumstances, as my alcohol lifestyle feeling so completely naturally normal to me, never giving my second thoughts, my alcohol conduct having become so normal to me, similarly normal to me as having been my previously historically societal normal lifestyle. I am king of all I will survey and contemplate upon, figuratively speaking, during the execution of his personal demeanour in pursuing and attending my social bright lights venues, I project a polished personal demeanor and status of celebrity while attending such bright light social activities venues, however if a truth to be known, a hollowed demeanor, and hollowed celebrity.
My projected demeanor, a high stepping, womanizing celebrity, lounge lizard sort of patron, rubbing shoulders with other hollowed comradely peers at these bright light social venues. Considering some of such comradely peers, as broken people, with broken lives, however still contained within some format of societal norms, and others of such comradely peers, I considered as fully occupying the spectrum of the societal normal, while perusing my interests and fanciful needs, superficially engagingly interacting with societal cross sections of such comradely associates. My own personal detachment from societal norms, well hidden from all others, as I live completely within his own paralleling alternate subculture, while at the same times however successfully coexisting and interacting with societies more normal culture. Primal Intellects impacting upon myself, my pride and persona of self, subsequently never broken or subjugated, always retaining my humanity, my compassion, my optimism, my industry, and my decency of own persona, throughout all subsequent onslaughts, and throughout all subsequent challenges.
My private world remaining private without exceptions, there can never be real meaningful emotional substance materializing from within my paralleling subculture lifestyle and bright light social venues activities, my reality, my subculture having been separated from societal normal by unbridgeable divide, my life so completely detached from societal normal membership for so long by this time, existing no viable way for my returning to society normal. However my sole consolation flowing from my social bright lights social venue activities, solely the superficial comradely provided, as what I insatiably seek is contained within a completely different world from my societal paralleling world, such only existing within a normal societal lifestyle, such still inaccessible to myself, remaining patiently waiting upon fate’s generosity for my merciful redemption, extrication and reinsertion back within the norms of society.
Enchanted with my present new alcohol lifestyle’s exciting novelty and apparent true adventure, my life stature blooming, not withstanding the more truer circumstances of my falsely projected façade, such blooming however in itself, virtually real and durable, I personally grow expediently, knowing more, experiencing more, and capable of more. My outwardly expression is of a high stepping womanizing man about town, approaching celebrity status, such credibly envied by others with no understandings of my truer circumstances, such as the emotional societal desert having no escape, I am trapped within. I progressively descend deeper within my paralleling societal lifestyle’s alcohol offshoot, myself willingly growing a deeper friendship attachment to my new alcohol comrade, now my surrogate comrade alcohol is truly my emancipating friend. Times now late 1960’s, my daily life is eviscerated, deprived of societies inclusion fruits as I exist solely on societies fringes, helplessly accommodating and enduring of all such societal fruit vacancies, as still no path back to societal membership existing for me.
Several years now long passing since fall down sponsoring my innocent entering of paralleling societal lifestyle, by this juncture in time my life totally dismantled so long ago and so completely, I am evermore losing contact with normal societal infrastructure. I remain inescapably trapped within my alternate societal parallel lifestyle, my absence of societal inclusion not yet as searing as eventually to become, as during these times I am adequately compensated by my limitless freedom, daily novelty, high excitement and exciting true adventure, all still stemming from my society paralleling wildness of nomadic lifestyle. When fully immersed within my inappropriate variant societal alcohol lifestyle, I am a single male, heavy smoker, heavy daily, and nightly user of alcohol, insatiably searching for that which cannot exist for me, as in fact it did not exist in reality, daily totally immersed within my inappropriate societal alcohol lifestyle, fruitlessly pursuing mirages of comradely.
When attending my many such preferred drinking establishments my preferred known drink arrives before my ordering, such drink is set up and waiting on the bar before I myself arrive. Insatiably craving the bright lights, the ambiance, the music, the excitement, the action, the booze, and the female comradely, along with my run of the mill comrades at such bright light venues that I endlessly attend, such bright light venues, in effect convolutes surrogates of my only real home. Daily actively living vigorously and enthusiastically within my own such societal paralleling lifestyle, I live completely immersed within alcohol, living completely outside of all normal societal structured frameworks, living completely within my own separately created societal paralleling variation of my own particular lifestyle.
My societal paralleling lifestyle serving my own particular needs very well, when the societal normal lifestyle can do nothing for me. I am still subject to all of societies responsibilities, however without societies benefits, save only my use of societies publicly available infrastructure, roads, restaurants and bars as examples, credibly appearing to all observers, I am totally unaffected by my excessive alcohol conducts. Insatiably indulging in my daily alcoholic activities, attempting the pacification of my emotional needs for however hollowed available comradely, while insatiably endlessly attending public social venues of my interests. My never ending perpetual searching for activities of available comradely at these social venues of my interests, such places separated by considerable geographical distances each day. The kinds of alcohol usually consumed by me, amber types of rum, beer, and sometimes schnapps, but never, ever wines of any kind, true even when hung over, with no liquor or beer available, still at such times I never touch any available wine.
During my ten years fall down nomadic Odyssey’s reeling tenure, existing no relationships of significances, I am prepared to engagingly accept or to meaningfully emotionally engage. My pursuits to no place, such pursuit having no depth or meaning upon my arriving at such destinations of no place, however such insatiable endless pursuits accompanied by a great deal of adventure in endlessly pursuing, such semantic no where and no places. Such no where places, places where I have no real interests, places doing nothing of consequence for my needs, save perhaps only the comradely itself, but otherwise providing no meaningful sustenance to my life. Throughout my ten years paralleling subculture lifestyle, many uncounted women fleetingly passing through my life, and then quickly slipping away through my indifferent clumsy fingers.
Whether or not within any of these potential female candidates, existing the critical mass of values, I so personally prized, personally never knowing. I had little interest in developing durable relationships during these times, as personally not in a good place to attempt such relationship building efforts, losing interest very quickly with each such potential woman candidates, as I could not honestly live in two separate worlds at the very same times. I could not abandon my own pre existing, presently well serving subculture world, with out having access back to societal normal world and conversely enduring relationship only possible within normal societies world, such still inaccessible to me.
My personal stoicism, always look to the philosophical optimistic bright side of possibility, both within my own circumstances, and within circumstances of others of my transitory comradely associates, regardless of circumstance, brutality or challenges. I never dwell on negative past events, no matter by whom, by what, no matter how unjustly perceived. Never bringing forwards resentments or residues from perceived negative past events to poison my present, excepting solely only my personal growth attained as a result of passages through such events, and lessons hard won and learned. I never dwelled on my own circumstances, as never recognizing my own circumstances out from normal, only circumstances naturally to be expected, and of course I could always philosophically brighten things up in any event if required.
Regardless of circumstance, I not only optimistically deal with my own matters of circumstances, but also philosophically optimistically brightening the outlooks of others, philosophical pontificating if you wish, to all whomever happenstance, passing through my day-to-day life. My lifelong fundamental psyche of self-being, I never see the clouds, regardless of the most debilitating circumstances at hand, seeing only through my philosophical beacons of philosophically generated sunshine, and buttressed by perceived philosophical blessings within my own life, also injecting such philosophical beacons into the lives of countless others having passed by my way. Decades earlier loosing my foolish youthful naive idealism, however naive I was not, I would just nobly see the best within others, including himself, believing it better to allow the dog a free bite in a manor of speaking, than posturing myself defensively into some cynical life in such stead. My nature, never taking the easiest of routes out of circumstances or difficulties, maturely naive perhaps, but the convenient short cut is never my preference or forte.
If capable rejoining mainstreams society, I must now somehow successfully modify my present dysfunctional psychological personality demeanour. My current unsolvable realities predicament, I am inescapably trapped on the fringes of societal membership within never ending repeating inescapable circles. I must therefore create some virtual artificial method in achieving that which I most desire, membership entry within societal inclusion. As I cannot currently see any solution possible to overcoming my present debilitating psychological societal isolation, I devise my employing of a two-pronged redemption strategy.
One strategy prong, relying on defaults of unforeseen consequences from self imposed deprivation for the shifting of my lifestyle tract, and a second pronged strategy relying of personal psychological modification through psychological societal interactive skills exercising. As pragmatist I understand the differences between that which must be endured, and that which is only difficult to endure, and rehabilitating my intensifying psychological isolation, I deemed challengeable. My personal psychological rehabilitating requiring relearning societal social contact skills, relearning personal societal behavioural nuances, and reacquiring social skills, now long forgotten, unused and lost over many past nomadic years, living within my psychologically isolated paralleling societal desert.
The task of reconstituting my psychological life within a complete new societal inclusive world, truly insurmountably staggering, even in thought, nevertheless in its accomplishment. My modification strategy in effect, amounted to my burning all ships, leaving no fall back options available, save solely my resultant hoped for life change. Instituting such strategy of lifestyle modification, I surreptitiously move into a work shop garage, in such garage existing solely, toilet, sink, sofa and portable television as amenities, that’s it, then surreptitiously begin living within such impossible living arrangement. My hypothesis, anyone living in such hardships within such primitive living conditions, impossible to long endure such conditions, hopefully thereby pragmatically setting in motion unforeseeable cascades of consequential forces into my status quo isolated life.
At such psychological ebbing periods, reaching deeply down within some bottomless resourced hording within self, skilfully intellectually extracting, employing philosophical and psychological resources in effort to mitigate my dangerous slipping psychological status. Toward such psychological decline intervention, I diligently daily practice social interaction exercises, very uncomfortably at first, endlessly practicing such forced social skills exercising, rehearsing long forgotten social nuance skills, including intimate one on one, eye to eye societal interaction exercising, and slowly, ever so slowly, psychological social modifications slowly taking hold, awkwardly at first, more comfortably as time progressing, truly of enormous accomplishment.
Soon enough my voluntary strategy, deprivation, no way back, and no way staying put, setting in motion many irrevocable cascading events, such fundamentally ultimately successfully spawning many random directional changes within my lifestyle dynamics. My successful past deprivation strategy fortuitously at play, many chance opportunities arising. Ever more keenly craving societal membership inclusion, however no bridge or foundation yet available in facilitating such complex task of rejoining societal norms, thus I am destined to linger, waiting upon the winds of opportunity for granting such hopes of return within societal membership. Myself now ready to engage any viable opportunity for societal re-entry, when and if such appearing, ready and primed, however destined requiring waiting some additional two years before such societal re-entry opportunity arising.
Daily seamlessly existing among'st ourselves, interfacing with, so called normal society, unseen, unknown and unrecognized lives, societal paralleling structured lives, seamlessly living and interacting without complaint among'st ourselves. Some such paralleling societal lives, easily seen and easily recognized as such, those of so called, societies fallen, however even these easily recognized as societal fallen, still recognized, tethered and accommodated to some degree within normal societal structures. However other tentacle expressions of unseen, unknown and unrecognized such solitudes existing among'st ourselves, living societal paralleling lives, unobtrusively plying their daily lives from the outer fringes of societal membership, complying with normal societal structured rules and responsibilities, however absent of inclusive societal memberships societies fruits. Among'st these tentacles of societal unknowns and unrecognized, I intently personally know, myself for twelve years a previous member of societies such unknown.