THE MINISTRY OF DEPUTY BOYFRIENDS
The accounts of
Yosef abuYeshua II
as narrated to
© Mpho Matsitle 2016
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Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments or locales is entirely coincidental
The Intellectual Hooligan
The Dawg of Life
COACH TT MOSIKIDI
Long Live The DOL Live Long!
[[Ba si thatha phi
So ku thanda mfaz’omnyama
Ba mthande bodwa?]]
There are things that just completely boggle the mind. Like people who still smoke. And men who think they can love a black woman, all on their own, with no assistance whatsoever. Thixo!
Do they care to know what a black woman is? Clearly they have no clue. According to these unrepentant cretins, the black woman – the very same cursed being who singlehandedly carries die hele black nation on her shoulders – is but just another body among other bodies.
They do not know, these decadent philistines, of the labyrinth matrix of her needs, desires, passions, postures and voices. When they hear her lion’s roar; they turn deaf to her pussy’s mew. When they see her beautifully crafted weave; they turn blind to the rebellious afro fermenting beneath. When they rush to rescue her in distress; they forget that she too is their messiah.
They’re myopic; in their Machiavellian thinking process. They are incapable of living with contradictions, these our heathen brothers. They know not that two opposing truths can both hold. That she is both weak and strong. That “she aches just like a woman, but she breaks like a little girl.”
Why is this so? Why can’t they get it?
Of all black children, aged 0 to over 100 years, the black man is the most childish. He alone amongst all black creatures fancies himself a sire not the serf he is. He has conjured for himself a place in which he lords over all the other animals in the black zoo. He has appropriated for himself a place as the head nigger in charge of the plantation; which he has convinced himself that he rules. The true masters of the plantation have only been too happy to allow him to play conduit to their terror and violence – and to be their scapegoat when the time for reckoning comes.
Blinded by this illusion of grandeur, it is no surprise that the black man fancies himself capable – as a matter of fact – of loving a black woman. Hence, he makes no effort to neither study, hear, see, know nor understand her. As thus; he is eternally handicapped!
It is thus incumbent upon us, the enlightened of our sex, to bring these poor wretched creatures to the light. It is upon us to assist them to at least be able to reciprocate the love of the black woman – that horridly terrifying love of a mother hiding her rapist son under her skirt. Ours has always been to assist the black man in loving a black woman. But because of the handicap described above; the black man is completely disagreeable to aid. “We got this,” in their stupidity they arrogantly proclaim.
As ours is a holy ministry that cannot be encumbered by neither a hostile host nor disillusioned disciple; we had to find a way to forge ahead. It has thus come to pass that for over two millennia; we have worked clandestinely to assist the black man in loving the black woman – it is our duty after all to assist these brothers of ours by any means necessary.
However, this tact has not proven successful in humbling these bedevilled brothers in coming to terms and acknowledging their handicap; in fact, quite the contrary. As they put in no effort but see these our sisters happy – due in small part to our tireless work – they have grown more arrogant about their so-called “game”.
Their arrogance has grown to such frightful proportions that they will shun and shame any woman who is not seized by mirth at their mere presence. Verily, they do hold that their sheer existence in a woman’s life is the sole reason for happiness. It is no surprise that they consider any woman ‘miserable’ if she does not have a man in her life; or tend to reduce her misery – inflicted by blackness, misogyny, capitalism, etc. – to lack of a man. We have also seen the devastating results and violence inflicted upon women and even upon us when it is unceremoniously brought to light that these men are neither the raison d’être nor the sole reason for the happiness of women.
We need to chart a new path!
We have too long operated in the dark. It has been the mission of our Papacy to bring to light our impeccable work, to cast away misconceptions and illusions about our illustrious institution, and to spread the gospel far and wide throughout the whole known world. This little script traces our efforts in this regard.
 Nina Simone (1971). Just Like A Woman. On Here Comes The Sun. RCA Victor. (1971, February 9).
Table Of Contents
We are used to story-telling which can readily be defined as the reader’s hand being taken by the narrator’s own seductive hand throughout a page-to-page journey, but very seldom are we compelled to define undertaking a cover-to-cover pilgrimage where the reader, along the way, voluntarily tightens the grip on the narrator’s spellbinding hand in an effort not to miss a single word.
But we tend to get ahead of ourselves.
The murky world of love affairs of a triangle nature is decidedly a chaotic one, compounded by the veil of secrecy behind which it is often enshrouded and neatly cocooned away.
Accordingly, unravelling it with a view to itemize these love triangle affairs according to the categories allocated to them based on societal observations, while at the same time being at labour to offer a view apropos to one’s observations to those familiar and unfamiliar with the subject under scrutiny is an unenviable and a daunting task.
As if the chaotic nature of the above-mentioned subject-matter is not daunting enough; reference to black feminist sentiments, a contentious but fundamental issue in the Christian religion, the anti-blackness struggle, and daily political party shenanigans in all their egregious drama, are also all thrown in the mix, making any earlier observation of chaos an understatement.
At the outset, we are treated to a prologue which pretty much labours to hoodwink us into looking forward to a single theme (a misunderstood black female psyche) without any other major, albeit allegoric, reference to piously held religious beliefs, the anti-black struggle, the nature and types of extra-marital affairs, and the embarrassing political party soap operas.
In a rather impish way, the introduction doubles up as what lies in store for the reader, and, with the advantage of hindsight, one realizes that, just like the prologue, it also sells us a dummy in order to conceal the inter-woven nature of this multi-text!
The reader is initially subjected to an innocent mental massage which then makes a seamless transition to a foreplay which culminates into a welcomed, much needed grammatical intercourse, yielding an edifying pleasure which makes one lust for more.
Mpho Matsitle is a stick-up artist who wields his pen not only to trance and lull us to our most comfort of zones, and, once your guard is down, delivers a thrust which jolts one back to alertness; but he also uses it to rearrange the aforementioned chaos, thus exhibiting to us a harmonious portrait of mosaic colours which at first appears as appendages to accentuate a singular element.
However, when considered separately, one appreciates that every colour represents itself; that is, tells its own story while also achieving the feat of not crowding out others, instead giving birth to a harmonious coexistence.
As alluded to earlier, while being taken on a rollercoaster ride by way of unpacking the essence of Yosef’s papacy, and what it entails regarding black romantic and non-monogamous relationships, the reader learns that the implicit reference to the ‘Save The Rhino’ campaign carries with it the allegory which succinctly yet profoundly registers how rhino lives matter more than black lives matter.
In highlighting the power struggles, internal bickering, and contradictions central to a host of his imaginary formations and movements, Matsitle brilliantly employs mainstream media’s narrative strategies and reportage of such shenanigans when they raise their ugly heads within political movements.
Apart from his text being sprinkled here and there with phrases of renowned scholars and theorists (Lenin’s famous “what is to be done” quote is easily detectable), the Pope Chronicles’ element of surprise is the humour sutured with it given the provocative and controversial nature of subjects grappled with here.
The naming of his fictitious formations and the resulting corruption of renowned and established acronyms like BLF, EFF and MDM, is the stuff which not only makes a great satirist, but also suggests that Matsitle put in a great effort in assembling these irreverent yet edifying pages.
However, the humorous narrative does not muddy the clear waters through which we see the poignant manner in which black femininity is depicted and rhino lives are privileged over and above black lives on the one hand, and the controversy some parts of this book is likely to spark on the other hand, which will be a welcome development because literature is meant to stimulate dialogue.
Writing a book on subject matters that are on everyone’s lips with a plethora of narratives by all and sundry carries the risk similar to that of trying to sell a rare buffalo cow to a Marikana mineworker, but doing so in a manner that is witty, thought-provoking and derivative of an eclectic scholarship calls for special, undivided attention.
This book should preferably be read by every literate person – with a view to be dictated to the illiterate – from the each of the eleven “ethnic groups” in these shores, and everyone from the neighbouring countries who desires to put the ear on the ground and eavesdrop on word on our streets as told by one of our finest alphabet arrangers.
This book is mostly suitable for wayfarers travelling by road or sea or air; company executives en route to signing multi-million rand deals, a street corner vendor in between peddling sweets and lose ciggies; in parliament as a prophylactic to counter soporific speeches by insincere politicians, and at the stadium during matches where sportsmen fluff their lines.
It can also be smuggled to church, but I wouldn’t recommend it lest the charge that the author is a Satanist also extend to the reader!
A must read and definitely a must re-read; this piece which easily stands out for its defiant and creative break with tradition while not compromising quality, is a breath of fresh air, an easy and short read with enough stimulus to turn even those afflicted by a phobia for reading.
Shortly after my descent to earth, I was given the name Yosef by my great-grandfather. For a long while, blinded by the politics of denying white people their God-given right to name and reign over their property (i.e. blacks), I abhorred and generally did not recognise this holy name.
Only after enlightenment did it occur to us that the name was not arbitrary but rather foreshadowed my mission and ministry on this here planet. The name Yosef means “may the Lord enhance”. And as we shall demonstrate throughout this memoire, that is what our ministry has been about – to enhance, to complement, to heighten.
As with all ministries, not all was revealed to us from the very beginning. We hobbled from one failed mission to the next until we finally found our true path. However, now that we are blessed with the gift of hindsight, we realise that these failed missions were actually a preparatory school for our true mission. That each and every single role played in life put us a step closer. In this memoire we shall concentrate on one such role that we find most significant; my role as Deputy Chairman and later Supreme Leader of #teamRhino (chapter 2).
In the first chapter, we will offer a brief introductory overview of the Holy Alliance of Deputy Boyfriends (the Alliance). The third chapter will follow the development of the broader men’s democratic movement and the formation of the Tripartite Alliance constituted of the National Association of Husbands And Boyfriends (NAHAB), the National Union of Ben10s of South Africa (NUBSA) and the Holy Alliance of Deputy Boyfriends (HADB).
Chapters four to eight will explore the major moments of the ministry during my Papacy. To this end we will utilise the official statement from the papal office, in full and at times redacted, with explanatory commentary. The purpose of this exercise is to bring to light the work of the Alliance and its position on the contentious issues of the day.
Chapter nine will surmise our Papacy, its achievements and failures, whereas chapter ten will give a brief overview of the current state of the movement and permutations on the future thereof.
This memoire should not be read as a salacious tell all on the movement and its members. We will not be revealing anything that may compromise the integrity of the movement nor any of its members. We will not be naming the recipients of our generous assistance – in any case, only the Book Of Life can accommodate such a long list. Ours is simply to bring to light the good work and ideology of the unsung Ministry of Deputising. We do not seek glory nor gratitude – only to make our voice heard and understood.
It is with great honour that we present these Pope Chronicles to world. It is our eternal prayer that they are accepted in the spirit of friendship and intellectual generosity.
His Hornyness Yosef abuYeshua II
Pope Emeritus of the Holy Alliance of Deputy Boyfriends
Ex-Officio Member of the National Association of Husbands And Boyfriends
Patron Saint of the National Union of Ben10s of South Africa
“He should stay on because he can give you things that I can’t. Look, Claire, we’ve been a great team. But one person cannot give everything to another person. I can’t travel with you. I don’t keep you warm at night. I don’t see you the way he sees you. Look, it’s not my permission to give, but you’ll do what’s right for you.”
~ His Excellency POTUS Francis J Underwood, Blessed Friend of the Holy Alliance of Deputy Boyfriends.
The Holy Alliance of Deputy Boyfriends traces its genesis to the first deputy boyfriend in recorded history, a carpenter from the Galilee town of Nazareth; Yosef son of Heli. To many, Yosef is the world’s most famous cuckold, but is also, unbeknownst to many, the world’s first known Deputy Boyfriend.
All the time Comrade Leader was too busy with other stuff, Yosef stepped in taking care of business. And not once did he say a bad word about Number 1! He played his position well, even going as far as accepting a handball. Thus becoming Yosef abuYeshua – meaning Yosef father of Yeshua.
From that moment to present day, many have tried and succeeded to varying degrees emulating his work. He is the spiritual father and founder of the Alliance, which was first formally launched in 69AD, and was thus duly recognised as the first pontiff of the ministry.
Indeed, in the forgoing years since the formal establishment of the Alliance there had been some famous deputy boyfriends who have done a stellar job. One cannot but think of Dali – he who deputised for the Black Pimpernel. Deputising for a great man is no easy task. Dali kindly stepped aside when Number 1 wanted another chance to disappoint. He’s a Deputy Boyfriend in the league of Yosef Abu Yeshua. Respect!
In the same vein one must remember Kgalema; he held it down for JZ. When there was a vacuum, he held his hand up high and stepped in – kept the country safe. When Number 1 came; he quietly stepped aside. KG is the real MVP!
And of course Frank Underwood, whose wisdom we opened this chapter with, is a rare find in the legion of the deputised – we hope that post the publication of this memoire more of his ilk will come to fruition.
This exemplary behaviour is precisely what the Alliance stands for. Ours is to assist where the need arises, and step aside when the situation calls for such. Without making a fuss.
All deputies must understand their roles and mandate. What is this business of expecting breakfast in bed when you know that you are not the main boyfriend/girlfriend? Deputising is a selfless service. One does it with the sole intention of making the other happy. A deputy’s happiness is a derivative of Number 1’s happiness.
Although the ministry of deputising is not limited to heterosexual monogamous relationships (or amorous relationships for that matter), the Holy Alliance of Deputy Boyfriends caters to this particular strata of society. The Alliance takes serious the challenges canvassed in the prologue faced by men in loving black women, and it is this gap that the deputy boyfriends have sought to fill.
We should take care to enumerate what a deputising is not lest confusion reigns supreme:
1. Deputising is not cuckolding, a deputy is not a manyonyoba (see chapter 4). Cuckolding/Manyonyobarism is about deception and humiliation; its main objective is to castrate and emasculate. Whereas deputising in the first instance recognises the leadership of the deputised (see chapter 5) and has as its main objective the empowerment and enhancement of the relationship.
The confusion here is mainly sustained by the fact that both cuckolding and deputising are mostly clandestine exercises, but the key difference here is that aboManyonyoba work in the dark to hide their nefarious intentions whereas deputies are forced into the shadows due to men’s inability and unwillingness to accept his weakness and concomitant necessity for assistance.
2. Deputising is not Ben10ism. A deputy is someone who steps in to assist, maintain and enhance a relationship as and when the need arises, whereas a Ben10 is sought for his youth and virility in return for some material benefits. As stated before, deputising is a self-less ministry in which no sort of compensation is expected. Unlike a deputy who acts long-term for the benefit of the relationship, a Ben10 is a commodity for consumption to satisfy fleeting desires.
3. Deputising is not blessing; deputies are not blessers. Although some blessers do sometimes play deputy boyfriend, the two institutions are not the same. A blesser fills the material gap of the blessee, in return for aesthetic and/or sexual favours; whereas a deputy fills the emotional and/or intellectual gap in the relationship. Again with no expectation of compensation.
4. Deputising is not friend-zoning; or any other type of zoning (see chapter 6). The zoned is a skivvy of the zoner, something a deputy boyfriend is definitely not. The zoned envies the Number 1 spot, whereas a deputy has no such desires. The zoned will do anything if he believes it will get him closer to the Number 1 spot, a deputy’s primary objective is the success of the relationship.
Although both may be seen to be working for the success of the relationship (and in fact this is often the result), the zoned does so as a means to an end (of the relationship, and him being catapulted to Number 1) whereas for the deputy this is the ultimate end. However, in certain exceptional cases a deputy may play the position of the zoned if this would advance his deputising mission.
In all four examples it is clear that though the manyonyoba, Ben10, blesser and zoned work for the individual for some or other recompense, the deputy works for the relationship with no such expectation.
We should also make clear that although the deputy stands in to add on to the boyfriend’s efforts and cover for his shortcomings, the deputy is not a subordinate of the boyfriend. That is, the deputy does not take instructions from the boyfriend as to what is to be done – for if the said boyfriend knew what is to be done, he would not be in need of a deputy in the first instance.
It is the dynamics of the relationship and the girlfriend (as an active participant in the deputy’s schemes) that dictate to the actions of the deputy. As such, it is not the boyfriend that decides if there will be a deputy – his handicap as explored in the prologue disqualifies him. Even for those few enlightened men who see the necessity of being deputised must still humble themselves as Frank Underwood has done: “it’s not my permission to give.”
The deputy may give assistance by any means necessary. Be it emotionally, sexually, intellectually or in any form as the situation might necessitate. The only prescription is that whatever is done must enhance the relationship. Indeed, sometimes the deputy is called upon to put an end to a toxic relationship that is beyond redemption.
Sometime he is called upon to simply make apparent that the boyfriend is the best bet when the girlfriend harbours desires for a manyonyoba, blesser or Ben10. At other times he is there to illustrate that the standards the boyfriend is held to are too low or too high. The examples are many, varied and differ in complexity as much as human relationships do.
Deputy boyfriends can be divided into two main groups; those who have been Number 1 (and probably recipients of the deputy services) and come to deputising to give back, and those who are coveting a Number 1 spot elsewhere and come to deputizing to learn. The former are said to make the best deputies while the latter make the best boyfriends/husbands such that in rare occasions they objectively require no deputising services at all. In between – some say above – these two main groups there are the bachelor monks who spend their entire lives deputising.
To conclude, the ministry of deputising is a holy and selfless one. It cannot be compared to the decadence of cuckolding, nor with blessing, Ben10ism and friend-zoning. It is as old as the current era. It is characterised by a commitment to ensure that romantic relationships succeed – to this end a labyrinth of devices is employed to actualise this commitment.
There comes a time in a person’s life when they have to take stock of all that they hold dear and come to terms with reality. The evidence was all about us – historical, empirical and anecdotal. Not one of us could deny or even question that the black condition is a disaster zone.
We had to come to terms that there really is no saving black people; so rather save rhinos. In this fashion we championed the cause and found the movement #teamRhino. Its primary objective was to redirect all the resources spent on fighting for the liberation of the black nation towards saving rhinos from extinction.
I appointed myself Deputy Chairman of this movement, a position I held until I promoted myself to Acting Chairman, thereafter I was catapulted to the position of Supreme Leader through divine intervention. This was the last leadership position I held before I found my true path. And it is here that I learnt that no matter how good one may be, nothing will ever work out if all energies are not directed towards one’s destined path. #teamRhino collapsed despite my able leadership.
In this chapter we zoom in on the tumultuous battle for the throne of #teamRhino. We first present a newspaper article reporting on this battle, followed by an official statement responding to the said article and providing clarity on certain issues.
The following article was published in a Sunday newspaper and referenced in many other media. The said paper retracted some of the false claims made herein. It is republished here in its entirety with the permission of the newspaper:
POWER STRUGGLES ROCK #teamRhino
The resurgence of Maokamela RhinoKing Chimurenga, Chairman of #teamRhino, could spell trouble for the fledging movement. Chairman Mao, as he is affectionately known, has been inactive for the past few months, and in his absence Yosef Maonyana, the self-appointed Deputy Chairperson, has since taken up the hot seat as Acting Chairperson. And the rumour mill suggests that he is not willing to vacate the position.
It is understood that he did so without consulting other members of the movement. They have however remained mum so as to not rock the boat in the middle of a peak in Rhino poaching.
Some analysts however are not sold on this explanation. “They allowed him to appoint himself deputy,” Prof Sydney Habedi, Research Director at the Institute for Endangered Species, asserts. “Now they can’t control his thirst for power.”
Speaking on condition of anonymity, one source close to the Team had this to say. “Maonyana has been frequenting Johannesburg to lobby Coach TT in his bid for control of the movement.” Our investigation confirmed these meetings to be true. The most recent on June 16 when the Coach was in Bloemfontein where he had private meetings with the RhinoPrince, as Maonyana affectionately calls himself.
Another controversial decision Maonyana took was the appointment of Rev. Frans as the “Spiritual Guide” of #teamRhino. It is believed that this is also a ploy to garner support for his bid to oust Chairman Mao. The Chief Whip, Mhlekazi Sgqibo, declined to comment on the developments. Which could only spell trouble as he is usually quick to dismiss any untruths.
A source close to Chairman Mao reveals that the RhinoKing is not sleeping on this and he’s readying for war. “Chimurenga is not taking this lying down baba! I can confirm that he we will be spending the weekend with Papa and Rock giving them marching orders for the whipping he’s about to unleash on that boy!”
Papa Heller and Rock Santana are long-time supporters of #teamRhino. It is believed that Chairman Mao will appoint them as fully fledged poacher hunters before next month’s congress. This will surely sway things in his favour.
On the other hand Maonyana is said to be lobbying the Pink Panthers of Arabia. Apparently he has a proposed a truce between the two warring movements, blaming the animosity on the aggressive leadership of Chairman Mao.
This proposition also includes a merger between the two movements. A move Dr Habedi is enthusiastic about, “the Pink Panthers failed,” he said. “It would be good to see them put their energies into saving Rhinos as nothing can be done any more about the pink panther, not a single one of them exists. What are they still holding on to?”
Leader of the Pink Panthers, Sheik Dr Imam Lavittude, laughed off the claims when approached for comment. Refugee VertigoFox, the main protagonist in the war against the Pink Panthers and believed to be in Maonyana’s pockets, has reportedly referred to the war as “regrettable”.
Zoologist at the Mangaung Centre for Reproduction Biology, Thabo Lenin, said he wished to see the differences sorted before they tore up the movement, “the Rhino has no chance for survival without #teamRhino; only they can keep Rhinos horny.”
It is estimated that #teamRhino has halved Rhino killings through interventions that took financial, social and political focus away from high child mortality rates amongst blacks with the much loved slogan “Fuck Blacks; Save Rhinos!”
The following statement was issued in response of the above article. It was published in the newspaper that published the said article together with a retraction. It is presented here, redacted for the sake of clarity:
RIGHT OF REPLY: NO POWER STRUGGLES IN #teamRhino
Given the incessant and rapacious propaganda campaign that has been meted out on #teamRhino in recent times from all the dark forces of backwardness who would love nothing but to see our beloved horny ones go the way of the pink panther; it is meet that we say a few things.
Firstly, I would like to address matters that affect myself personally.
The media has been abuzz with accusations of power-mongering led by myself to remove Chairman Mao from his position. This malice, having no sense of bounds whatsoever, has implicated other distinguished members in this so called “power struggle.” Certain sections of the poachers have even referred to myself as a ‘dictator’ and power hungry.
I wish to put the matter to rest thus: there has never been any power struggle in #teamRhino. This I categorically state here. The RhinoKing remains the Chairman of our beloved movement and it was my honour and duty to cover for him as his former deputy in his absence. What the materialistic media missed (and unfortunately at some point the Chief Whip was also misled) is that due to spiritual illumination, there has been some changes in the structure of the movement. These are the changes; everything else remains the same:
1. I have been anointed, by all that is Holy and Devine, as Supreme Leader of #teamRhino. That shall be my eternal title. As thus I shall no longer be referred to by any other; with particular focus on ‘Maonyana’ and ‘RhinoPrince’;
2. Coach TT has taken up the position of General; and finally
3. Reverend Frans is the anointed Spiritual Guide
The second matter that affects me personally is the twin accusations that I am a Satanist and a philistine. The former I take with a pinch of salt, but the latter I find highly offensive. I wish to categorically reject and condemn these accusations! That being said, as an illustration of my generosity, I will confer upon my accusers unreserved forgiveness. Especially given that I understand why they would say such evil things of my person. The first accusation stems from a relentless commitment to unthinking. And the second comes from one who thinks blacks are more important than Rhinos – you can expect anything from these kinds.
Now to other matters of less import:
It should also be stated that there is, was and will never be any talk of a merger or any sort of relationship with the long-defunct Pink Panthers of Arabia.
The investigation and spiritual intervention of the Chief Whip and Spiritual Guide respectively into the cabal that had set upon itself to portray the movement in bad light by accusing the Supreme Leader of Satanism, revealed and confirmed a long-held belief of the movement that there is no saving blacks; as thus all energies must be invested in keeping Rhinos horny.
Yours in the Struggle Against Poaching,
Supreme Leader (anointed by all that is Holy & Devine)
We are of the view that these two samples from the #teamRhino archive succinctly surmises my leadership in that movement.
My stint at #teamRhino made two things very clear;
1. I am a very good deputy; and
2. I am destined – despite my modest protestations – to be a supreme leader.
The inherent contradiction therein made me a wrong fit for #teamRhino where it played out most explicitly, but was the precise ingredient necessary for the leadership of the deputising ministry.
The oldest and largest organisation of the men’s democratic movement, the National Association of Husbands And Boyfriends (NAHAB) has as its slogan the words; “Fighting for men, since women’s rights.” These words have been used by both the reactionary and progressive forces in the mass democratic movement.
The reactionaries have used the words as a push back against the fall of patriarchy, they have attempted and unfortunately at some points succeeded in instilling revisionism in the movement and eating at the gains of the sexual revolution. They have enforced an interpretation of the slogan as men fighting against women who have justly asserted their right as human beings and not mere penis repositories or baby vending machines.
These backward revisionists seek to reinstate patriarchy, having no faith in themselves to survive in a world of equals, and view the dawn of women’s rights as an affront to, not the liberation that it is for, all sexes. Hence their reactionary reading of the slogan and of the broader movement.
The progressives on the other hand welcome and support whole heartedly the fall of patriarchy and the dawn of women’s rights. In this vein, they have come to an understanding that patriarchy also dwarfs men’s capacity to relate with women and as such a battle must be waged to free men from this bondage. This is what is understood by “fighting for men.”
Both these forces are locked in a battle for the soul of the movement. As a broad church, NAHAB finds itself at the heart of this battle. To capture NAHAB would be to capture the whole movement.
There are many other organisations to the right and left of NAHAB, where these differing forces have organised themselves. The reactionary organisations are many, including the far-right ones like the Anti-Womanism Brigade (AWB) and Pulane Leftist Organisation of Wankers (PLOW). On the left, one finds progressive organisations like the Brotherly Romance Organisation (BRO) and Masculinist Activists Network (MAN).
AWB is the most reactionary of them all, it has no programme of its own – all it does is to counter whatever programmes feminist and womanist organisations embark on through vitriolic propaganda, terror and sabotage.
PLOW is a collective of bitterists who encourage sexual objectification of women through circulation of nude pictures of women either published by women themselves or leaked by their former ‘lovers’ and hackers.
BRO encourages brotherly love between all sexes through their revolutionary ideology of bromance and see in a woman “a buddy with whom [one] could have sex and children.”
MAN owes its genesis to Dr Chinweizu’s masculinist ideology, specifically the teaching that “every woman has every right to do whatever she wants with her body, except enslave a man with it.” Theirs is to fight for men against nest slavery.
There are also many other organisations that, like NAHAB, have progressive and reactionary elements locked in a battle for their souls. Two such movements worth mentioning here are the National Union of Ben10s of South Africa (NUBSA) and the Blessers Leadership Forum (BLF).
In NUBSA one finds progressives who recognise that older women, in particular those in positions of power, are not receiving adequate sexual service delivery due to either their mates’ triple challenge of sugar-daddyism, absenteeism and diabetes or the reactionary misogynistic backlash against women who are forced to sacrifice social life for success. On the other hand one finds reactionaries who seek to exploit these women as some form of punishment for their success.
The reactionaries in BLF see nothing in their blessees but sex objects; they exploit these women’s economic marginalisation for their deviant sexual appetites. Whereas the progressives realise that young women in particular are economically oppressed and marginalised, and also acknowledge their privilege as old men. They then take it upon themselves to economically empower the young women they happen to be in romantic and/or sexual relationships with.
All these movements mentioned and many more form the men’s democratic movement. The only common denominator is that they all claim to represent men. A question may come as to why the progressives in the movement accept the regressives as their comrades? This is because the progressives realise that these reactionaries are as much victims of patriarchy as we all are, and as such a constant battle of ideas shall be waged until such a time that only an insignificant minority holds on to such backwardness.
The Tripartite Alliance
The progressive forces who currently wield power in NAHAB and NUBSA have joined forces with the uber-progressive HADB to form the revolutionary tripartite alliance. The tripartite alliance has been at the forefront of fighting backwardness in the men’s democratic movement.
In our deputising ministry we have worked closely with these two movements, we lend much needed ideological backing to the progressives therein and in return they have assisted us with their organisational skills and in shaping our message for public acceptance, in true spirit of iron sharpens iron.
This is not to mean that there haven’t been a few hairy moments between the organisations. The obvious being that not all members of NAHAB, even the most progressive, are sold on the idea of being deputised – seeing this as an excuse for cuckolding (we deal with this accusation in chapter 3).
There was also one such moment when NUBSA named myself and a leader of NAHAB as some of its “most energetic members” who were “ready to provide sexual services of any kind for free…until the end of this winter season after which we will start charging. Our charges start from a reasonable maintenance of weekend activities with the boys to accommodation and car subsidy.”
Of course this went against the code of selfless service we subscribe to and for the NAHAB leader it was indeed a tall order. However, being sensitive to the importance of unity within the tripartite alliance, we could not just lash out against our alliance partners. The capable leaders we are, we dealt with the misunderstanding in the most exemplary fashion. Below we quote verbatim the careful responses to this mishap which were accepted in the most generous spirit by the leadership of NUBSA and it is also how I came to be the Patron Saint of that organisation:
1. NAHAB Leader respectfully decrying the tall order:
“Ao bathong ba Modimo? Ao Jesu? Mariheng a makanakana ho se ho thwe ke lo theolana le diblumara? Ao Ramasedi? But President, I must say, I admire that you showed confidence in me by your nomination, but President, I myself am about to graduate from the Ben 10 stage. President my first round does not even last five minutes anymore, I have to drink beer to last longer. My maximum number of rounds per day is two, anything above that is a punishment on me Mr President, hape ha ke sa beile nnyo pelong Mr President. Is it possible for you to just include me on the profit sharing category and make me head of marketing and admin as well sir? Coz ya ho kota wayawaya yona e tla nhlola Sir. This is my pleasant plea to you Sir, please consider my request for approval. Let it be known that it was never my intention to appear to be defying your authority. I will indeed avail myself to be eaten like the rest of the members, if that is your command Sir.”
2. The Pope’s plea for an alternative role:
“But can I, as the Pope of the Holy Alliance of Deputy Boyfriends, a movement which is non-sexiest, non-racist, and non-ageist in character, be excluded from this list. It is unbecoming of a deputy boyfriend to be seen to be offering his services for any consideration whatsoever. This is my humble plea. I will however avail myself as a spiritual leader, should such a request be made.”
The above notwithstanding, NUBSA was again caught flatfooted publicly berating NAHAB in the statement below:
NOTICE TO STRIKE
For immediate release
National Union of Ben10s of South Africa (NUBSA) Cape Metropolitan region to engage on a wildcat strike against the Bae-Soc Winter Bae campaign.
NUBSA Cape Metropolitan region is utterly dismayed, annoyed and taken aback by the recently launched Winter Bae campaign that is anti-working class, anti-majoritarian, anti-poor and ageist in character and form. We say this based on their requirements for a winter bae, being amongst others, ownership of a driving licence, being employed, having a reliable vehicle in their name, and their own place of residence. More specifically the requirement that speaks to our membership which resides with their respective cougars (our constituency).
NUBSA sees this as an on-going offensive and ideological fad and misconduct led by the gold diggers masquerading as “Baes”. We strongly believe that the “make winter warm” campaign cannot be based on one’s material wealth, but purely by the capacity and ability to make winter warm. For that matter, we know that Bae-Soc members, particularly its leadership, cannot afford NUBSA members, hence they rely on the vulnerability of the National Organisation of “Romantic” Men (NORM) members.
The fact that Bae-Soc is able to boldly lead such a campaign, illustrates the level at which NAHAB is limping. As the true vanguard of the exploited working class male youth, we will therefore be embarking on a wildcat strike against this offensive. We call on our members to immediately abort any scheduled visits until this matter of vehicles, employment and ownership of residences is resolved.
Forward Ever! Backward Never!
Issued by the NUBSA Cape-Metro Regional Interim Leadership Core.
It is well-known, and NUBSA was aware, that due to pressure from both the NORM and BLF members inside NAHAB, the latter being some of its most generous funders, NAHAB could not take a decidedly antagonistic stance against the “make winter warm” campaign.
In addition, the tripartite alliance had not as yet taken a position on the campaign. As such the veiled attack on NAHAB was unfortunate, misconstrued and unwarranted. And it is a matter of record that the tripartite alliance later endorsed the campaign as visionary.
It is not without shame that we confess that we too made some bad judgement calls in dealing with our alliance partners. In response to a meme of a lady eating off her man’s plate with the pertinent question “Ladies, in a sentence, can you explain why you gotta do this?”, I let out this unfortunate statement: “This is why I’m leaving NAHAB! Bunch of useless cretins!”
It goes without saying that an unreserved and heartfelt apology was offered and graciously accepted. Once again it is testament to the principled unity of the tripartite alliance that these possibly divisive matters were dealt with quietly, internally, and no fall out resulted therefrom.
The men’s democratic movement as a whole and the tripartite alliance in particular continue to face many challenges, but steam ahead we do. In the words of the young lions of NUBSA, “Forward Ever! Backward Never!”
Long Live The Mass Democratic Movement Live Long!
Long Live The Tripartite Alliance Live Long!
Until patriarchy falls.
“And the scripture says: “Do not covet your neighbour’s wife.” Amen Bazalwane. All you deputies will not see nor enter the kingdom of Thixo! Hallelujah.”
As mentioned in the preceding chapter, certain sections of NAHAB and the men’s democratic movement in general have held an antagonistic position towards our ministry, as evidenced by the quote above. The main gripe, although not the only one, concerned the fear of cuckolding. The unimaginative still hold on steadfastly to this view. We understood, as illustrated in the prologue and the first chapter, the reason for and legitimacy of this phobia.
Ukutyelwa is after-all the most painful of human experiences, for men and women alike, for the progressives and reactionaries alike. Wajelwa-phobia has led to many denouncing even love and adopting a frighteningly sinister disposition on life in general. Many a psychopath has been borne of ukutyelwa. In our ranks, we find these psychopaths amongst the BLF, AWB, NUBSA and even HADB members (although we must hasten to add that we have been very successful in ridding the Alliance of these types).
As such we did not take lightly these accusations towards the movement. We thus embarked on an education campaign firstly within the tripartite alliance and later the broader movement to some level of success. We clarified to all and sundry that our ministry did not promote manyonyobarism nor was our mission ho jella. That where it occurred that a deputy engaged in carnal activities it is never to undermine or replace the principal; but it was always with the aim to complement, enhance and safeguard the said principal’s relationship with his bae.
A romantic relationship is an institution that stands on many pillars – some, like sex, objectively insignificant but subjectively should they fail the whole thing comes crumbling down. Deputies come in to strengthen the pillars which are weak, be they an attentive ear during the fits of insomnia or humour during the prosaic moments of life. As Frank Underwood asserts, “one person cannot give everything to another person.” It would amount to abuse to expect the members of NAHAB to find their bae’s every single story funny, to give them attention at every moment of the day (we address this in chapter 7) or keep up with all their sexual appetite. Hence the need for deputies.
To digress, we must note the hypocrisy of some men in finding no fault with someone entertaining their bae’s insomnia while they snore the night away, or one who considers the fact that forks keep going MIA worthy of a lengthy debate, but are quick to draw the line when it comes to sex.
That being said, our message was gradually being well received by the broad masses of our people. However, these strides were brought to a screeching halt when one of our own, then Archbishop of the Transvaal, came out all guns blazing against the ministry. He issued this communique to the members of the Alliance:
“The soul of the beautiful ministry needs to be saved. Truth be told! A lot of these comrades who illegally eat our babies, they refer to themselves as deputies, are in actual fact imposing communism on us. Haiii, they force us to share these people. If this was the 60’s I would suggest they be moered with charges of communism and terrorism. We want to eat alone and peacefully. PLEASE!!!” ~ The Dol, Archbishop of the Transvaal.
This venom was surreptitiously leaked to the media, causing untold harm to the labours of the ministry. As such the Alliance was forced to break tradition and publicly come out strongly against these claims to set the record straight. To this end this statement was issued:
STATEMENT ON THE DOL’S DEFACTION & SMEAR CAMPAIGN
South African history is replete with examples of defectors and sell-outs in the revolution. One lesson that has been absolutely emphatic in this history is that these cockroaches amount to nothing!
We can note the ultra-black fascists led by one Mangaliso from the mass democratic movement; that faction is a footnote of history as we speak! Let’s not forget that so-called General who also left the mass democratic movement due to some phantom corruption. We must also remember the so-called daughter of the soil who suddenly figured she needed her own ID only to be swallowed whole by Penny Sparrow’s blue whale! My god, how dare we not mention Shikota? We have also seen the non-rise and fall of a gang of pap. The less said about the sad case of the savers of souls the better!
Another truth found in this history is that these turncoats have a knack for distorting the revolution and its goals once they are outside its loving arms. These people are inventionists of some repute and are known to not even be above manufacturing “evidence”.
It is this knowledge that grounds the Holy Alliance of Deputy Boyfriends in the face of the treacherous allegations of one Archbishop The Dol – former leader of our revolution. We are not shaken by neither his “resignation” nor his lies about the alliance. Such things are to be expected; “ha se bohle ba reng ‘Morena, Morena’ ba tla kenang lehodimong.”
We can confirm that his sudden unprocedural resignation has been graciously accepted by the pontiff His Hornyness Yosef abuYeshua II, who is quoted as saying “The Dol served many boyfriends well, his leadership qualities will be missed especially in the arena of mending break-ups. He was always able to convince girlfriends that there’s no better alternative and best they stick with what they have.”
What the Alliance takes exception to, however, is the malicious lies that he has been peddling about the ministry of deputising. He has claimed that deputising is, to quote him verbatim, a “business of eating other people’s babies”. We must categorically condemn this and any other such notions in the strongest possible terms!
Deputy boyfriends are not about eating other children’s babies. This hallowed institution is not to be confused with the decadence of manyonyobarism. This is a blatant mischaracterization of our ministry and it is both mischievous and fraudulent!
Deputy boyfriends are in the business, as the term suggests, of assisting and complementing the efforts of boyfriends. Our primary beneficiaries are these poor kids that The Dol today claims we are exploiting. The institution was founded, as we all know, by Yosef benHeli the carpenter of Nazareth – who after realizing that Comrade Leader had the universe to run and could not properly attend to his bae Maria, stepped in to offer assistance. And even went as far as to accept a handball and thus became Yosef abuYeshua – which means Yosef father of Yeshua.
All accounts are adamant that Yosef never ate the Leader’s baby. This is sufficient proof that the institution is not founded on eating other children’s babies; but that at its core is the unwavering commitment to assist, maintain and mend the relations between boyfriends and their bae’s. It is a well-known fact that Maria and Comrade Leader have never had quarrel; for this we credit the impeccable work of the original deputy boyfriend.
From that time on we have been walking in the footsteps of Yosef abuYeshua, attempting and succeeding in replicating his work.
The episcopal conference of 69AD resoluted that unless otherwise friend-zoned, a deputy may also assist in sexual matters. This has been the view of the Alliance ever since and the decision has been proven visionary through experience as study after study show that women who engage in safe (safe as in no risk of discovery) extra-curricular sexual activities make better bae’s.
It is thus clear to see that deputy boyfriends don’t “eat other people’s babies” as The Dol suggests, but merely assist, in line with our mandate to keep harmonious relations between the sexes, in any which way – including but not limited to eating.
We hereby call on The Dol to cease and desist peddling lies!
Issued at the behest of the Pontiff by:
The Right Reverend Dali Mpofu wa Boraro
Prefect of the Discipline Dicastery
Holy Alliance of Deputy Boyfriends
Although this clarification held sway with the rest of the membership, the men’s democratic movement and the general public, The Dol was unfortunately not sold:
“There is corruption in the ministry of deputies. I’ve seen cases of deputies being promoted to the position of president. And that is against the constitution of our beautiful and beloved ministry. I remain a member of the ministry, I do not however recognise the current leadership and its kangaroo court of eatists that cannot engage issues but rather resorts to slander and insults when proof is presented before their eyes. See you in court eatists!”
We were greatly pained by this announcement; however, we are glad to report nothing came of it. It is categorically not with any sense a schadenfreude that we confirm the prophetic nature of the opening words of our statement; The Dol did as a matter of fact amount to nothing. Today he clumsily hobbles from Ben10ism to blessing, he has even been heard flirting with NORM. He seems to have resigned from, but is yet to apologise for, his hostile view of the ministry of deputising. In our spiritual generosity, the Papacy has pardoned and conferred upon him the title of Beloved Friend.
These trials and tribulations with the men’s democratic movement and with one of our own afforded us an opportunity to clarify some misconceptions about the nature of the ministry, the key points are worth reiteration:
1. The Alliance does not align with manyonyobarism
2. Coitus is not an essential aspect of our work but merely a tool among many
3. The coitus in (2) does not amount to ukutyelwa – never in the history of deputising has a women lacked desire for her bae owing to her energy being sapped by a deputy
4. It is in the best interest of men, their baes, and relationships that deputies partake in carnal activities.
Of course it goes without saying that any ministry is open to abuse and misrepresentation, more especially as it gains popularity with the broad masses of our people. Through the tireless efforts of the Papacy and the welcomed assistance of the tripartite alliance, the ministry was gaining traction with the different communities.
It thus came to pass that any and each person, in particular men, claimed to have ‘deputies’. For them however, this was just a cover for their promiscuity. These people they called deputies, were in fact their concubines. We also saw a growing number of women engaged in cuckolding claiming that these manyonyobas of theirs were deputies.
This could not be! As such, in defence of the ministry, we again came to offer a clarification on who can be deputised. In this fashion, the Papacy issued the statement below:
EXHORTATION ON LEADERSHIP AND DEPUTISING
His Excellency Rev. Dr Jacob Zuma, is the Leader of the African National Congress and of South Africa (in his stated order of importance). As a Leader, he has a Deputy – Cyril Ramaphosa (in both positions). So does Gwede Mantashe, so does CiC Sello Malema, so does Athol Trollip of the Democratic Alliance. These are Leaders; they have Deputies.
The voters of the African National Congress, Economic Freedom Fighters and Democratic Alliance (collectively ‘the constituency’), and the citizens of RSA, have no Deputies. They are led. They are not Leaders; they do not have Deputies.
The Leader is responsible for the contentment of the constituency, and the maintenance and sustainability of the party or country. This responsibility necessitates a certain level of delegation of duties – hence the need for a Deputy. The Deputy becomes responsible for some duties that are incumbent on the Leader, albeit never holding any power in her/his/non-binary’s own right. S/he/(x) serves at the pleasure of the Leader.
Now, in a two-party amorous relationship between (for example) a cis het male and a cis het female, one will – more often than not – emerge as a Leader. It will fall upon this Leader responsibilities and duties that may require, as pointed above, assistance. Hence the need for a Deputy Girlfriend or Deputy Boyfriend.
The formulation is simple. Continuing with the example above (which is representative of the broad majority of amorous relationships); (a) if the female party is the Leader, there should be a Deputy Girlfriend, and (b) if the male party is the Leader, there should be a Deputy Boyfriend.
As with most things in life, one can serve many masters (one can support – even vote for – the African National Congress, Economic Freedom Fighters and Democratic Alliance at the same time), but one can never lead more than one constituency. Leadership demands absolute loyalty. Leadership is held to higher standards than the constituency. Leadership must always stay true to the cause.
ISSUED ON BEHALF OF THE HOLY ALLIANCE OF DEPUTY BOYFRIENDS BY:
His Hornyness Yosef abuYeshua II
Pontiff of the Holy Alliance of Deputy Boyfriends
In this statement we made clear that only a leader can be deputised. This also assists in demarcating our constituency. Although the handicap we spoke of in the prologue affects all men, the Alliance in its day to day work has picked out particular kind of man to assist; that is, a man that is a leader in the relationship. And it is in our considered view that only this type of man (and we hazard to opine that also this type of woman) is worthy of deputising.
Why do we hold that view? We believe there are three types of people: those who are above being deputised, those worthy of being deputised and those unworthy of being deputised.
At the apex you have the blessed who are in egalitarian relationships, where both (or more) parties hold equal sway over each other and can meet each other’s needs effortlessly, the freaks who can give everything to each other. Together with the egalitarians at the apex are the Supreme Leaders – those who hold total sway over the relationship, who can give everything to another without needing anything in return or can take anything they want, these are the settlers. These people are not in need of any kind of assistance and thus above being deputised. The numbers here as one can imagine are very slim.
In the middle you have those that hold the swing vote in the relationship, their power is a negotiated settlement that is always under threat of ebbing away and thus needs constant reinforcement. These are under pressure to perform and deliver, and although have all intentions to do so and work hard at it, there is simply not enough capacity to do so on their own. These are then in need and worthy of being deputised. The broad masses of our people lie here. Of those worthy of being deputised, the Alliance only caters to men in heterosexual monogamous relationships, arguably one of the two largest groups in that segment.
At the bottom are the romantically colonised, the friend-zoned, bitterists of all hues, the broke, the macho and musho men, the side dishes, and of course the subjects of the Supreme Leaders – the reachers. These constitute the lumpenry, unworthy of being deputised. This is also a sizeable portion of the populace.
It is thus clear to see that not everybody can claim to have or be a deputy, and not all extra-curricular romantic and/or sexual relationships can be classified as deputising. The Alliance is specific in its mission and in who it ministers to. The deputised men are leaders in their own right, they are those who have the possibility to make a woman happy, the Alliance steps in to ensure that they realise that possibility.
 “In every relationship there’s always The Reacher and The Settler. The Reacher is someone who dates someone out of their league while The Settler settles for someone less than them.” ~ Robin Scherbatsky, How I Met Your Mother
 The other, arguably, being women in heterosexual monogamous relationships
 “The macho is a strutting factotum with bulging biceps, stone-dry eyes, brains that are ruled by his gonads, and an ego indoctrinated to believe that he is the lord and master of the woman.” ~ Dr Chinweizu, Anatomy of Female Power
 “The musho is one of that breed of diffident men who have been bullied, guilt-tripped, ego-bashed and penis-twisted into pram pushing, diaper changing and breast envy. He is the befuddled, henpecked male who lacks the wit to recognize his male interest.” ~ Dr Chinweizu, Anatomy of Female Power
“When a girl decides you’re her friend, you’re no longer a dating option. You’ve become a complete non-sexual entity in her eyes, like her brother, or a lamp.”
~ Chris Brander, Just Friends
It became apparent to the broader men’s democratic movement and particularly the collective leadership of the tripartite alliance that many of our members were caught up in abusive friend-zone relationships, wherein they were no more than ‘lamps.’ These complaints came in so thick and fast that the leadership could not ignore them. It seemed like a crises was brewing. In the movement’s spirit of fighting for men, the tripartite alliance tasked the Papacy to investigate and provide direction on the issue. A task we were honoured to fulfil.
Even though the broad masses of our people called for the movement to call for the abolishment of friend-zoning, it was incumbent on the leadership to not take a populist route. Our investigation revealed that although there are abuses within friend-zoning, it was a legitimate relationship model. As thus a compromise was reached in that there ought to be a regulatory body that would ensure that those trapped in the different zones can be emancipated and their rights therein protected.
We also noted that zoning did not only negatively affect the members of the men’s democratic movement but a phenomena affecting the broad masses of our people. In this light we thought it wise to call for all movements form a federation under whose banner friend-zoning would be regulated so that the rights of both the zoner and zonee are protected.
Our modest call is reproduced below in its entirety:
THE EMANCIPATORY FRIENDZONE FEDERATION (EFF)
A Clarion Call
Friend-zoning is a legitimate defence against unwelcome romantic overtures from otherwise not unpalatable individuals. These are individuals whom one finds agreeable, whom one enjoys their company and values their existence in one’s life – however, for one or more reasons, a romantic relationship is not on the cards.
It has however come to the attention of the collective Leadership of the Tripartite Alliance – constituted of HADB, NAHAB and NUBSA – that this legitimate tool has been used towards nefarious ends.
Two such ends have particularly caught the attention of the collective Leadership, namely the ‘booty-trap’ and ‘blesser-trap’.
The booty-trap is in which Person A, aware of Person B’s unrequited romantic interests, uses the latter for her/his/(x) sexual needs, knowing very well that Person B is of the hope that this sexual relationship will mutate in to a romantic relationship. The blesser-trap is in which Person A, aware of Person B’s unrequited romantic interests, uses the latter for her/his/(x) material needs, knowing very well that Person B is of the hope that this blessing will mutate in to a romantic relationship.
In the considered view of the collective Leadership, the above two and others like them are not legitimate acts of friend-zoning, and as such should be condemned in the strongest possible terms.
In order to protect our Members and the community at large from these and other abuses, the collective Leadership proposes the establishment of the Emancipatory Friend-zone Federation (EFF), which will review and approve all friend-zoning requests. Before any one person can friend-zone any person, they must first apply with the EFF for approval.
How Will The EFF Work?
The EFF will set up minimum requirements for a legitimate friend-zone. However each case will be assessed on its own merits. These minimum criteria will take into account the three levels of the friend-zone:
1. At the basic level; the Friend-zone, wherein the agreeable individuals who fancy themselves paramours are zoned-in at the position of a Friend
2. At the intermediary level; the Family-zone, wherein the agreeable individuals who fancy themselves paramours are zoned-in at the position of a Sibling
3. At the tertiary level; the Cadre-zone, wherein the agreeable individuals who fancy themselves paramours are zoned-in at the position of a Comrade
Taking the above into account, it is clear that as one goes up the hierarchy, the criteria will be more stringent. The proposed minimum requirements are as follows:
1. The agreeable individual (the Zonee) should have shown unequivocal desire for a romantic relationship
2. The desired individual (the Zoner) should prove the undesirability and/or impracticality of the romantic relationship
3. The Zoner should prove the desirability (for both parties) of the continuance a non-romantic relationship with the Zonee
4. In the case of a Family-zone:
a. The Zoner should prove that the basic Friend-zone has not or cannot achieve the desired results
b. The Zoner must show that under no circumstances will she/he/(x) have any sexual relations with the Zonee (this is tantamount to incest)
c. The Zoner must show that the Zonee’s relationships with other members of the Zoner’s family (including other Family-zoned members) are platonic and have no chance of moving beyond that status
5. In the case of a Cadre-zone:
a. The Zoner should prove that the basic Friend-zone and Family-zone have not or cannot achieve the desired results
b. The Zoner and Zonee must be key members of an organisation, cause or movement that has a real chance at effecting real substantial change
c. The Zoner must show that a romantic relationship has the possibility of threatening the abovementioned organisation, cause or movement
The minimum requirements enumerated above are designed for the preservation and sustainability of friend-zoning as an important institution in our daily lives. It is meet that serious consideration be taken before anyone is friend-zoned, as the ramifications of this act are far-reaching – it thus cannot be left to individuals to police themselves, hence the need for the Emancipatory Friend-zone Federation.
It is paramount that we protect this great institution of friend-zoning from bastardisation and abuses, and in beat with this the collective Leadership hereby invites comments and support from all our Members and the community at large for the establishment of the Emancipatory Friend-zone Federation.
ISSUED ON BEHALF OF THE COLLECTIVE LEADERSHIP OF HADB, NAHAB and NUBSA BY:
His Hornyness Yosef abuYeshua II
Pope of the Holy Alliance of Deputy Boyfriends
Ex-officio Board Member of the National Association of Husbands And Boyfriends
Patron Saint of the National Union of Ben10s of South Africa
This clarion call received a resounding response from many within and outside the men’s democratic movement. Tomes upon tomes of submissions were made, and the discussions are still raving on. With this energy the EFF is poised to be the revolutionary vanguard in the emancipation of the zoned. We look forward to the formal establishment of the federation.
As mentioned in chapter four, time is one of the commodities that most of the deputised do not have in abundance. And sometimes their bae’s are at the short end of the scarcity stick, especially when the bae has a less taxing schedule or both parties’ schedules conflict too often. Deputy boyfriends are then required to step in and close this gap.
However, this has proven insufficient; even with a capable deputy boyfriend working tirelessly, the absence of the boyfriend is still very much felt. This has evoked memories of our fathers’ perennial absenteeism, and opened old intergenerational wounds. Many saw in this future absent fathers and husbands. These fears were further exacerbated by the bitterists in the women’s democratic movement who sought to portray this inescapable absenteeism as an indication of disinterest in the relationship.
It was the duty of our ministry to step in to cast away misinformation so that we safeguard the relationships under threat. To this end the papal office issued the statement below:
STATEMENT ISSUED MUTO PROPRIO DISMISSING THE ‘BUSYNESS EQUALS DISINTEREST’ IDEOLOGY
There’s a matter of national importance that threatens the harmonious relations between the sexes which neither NAHAB, NUBSA, MAN nor any of the organisations that purport to represent men have attended to. As with everything that men overlook, it falls on to the Deputy Boyfriends to keep the peace. As such, the Holy Alliance of Deputy Boyfriends wishes to provide clarity in a bid to avoid the looming sex war.
Certain circles in the women’s democratic movement have been spreading propaganda that no one is ever too busy, that being busy just means that this particular person has no interest in you. According to this ideology, when a man says to his bae that he is busy and cannot at that particular point in time give her attention, this is to be read as to mean that she’s not a ‘priority’ and that he has no interest in her and as thus she must remove herself from the equation.
The peddlers of these lies even have seductively creative aphorisms such as “people make time for those who matter”, “people text and reply to those they prioritise” and to top it all off, “never believe anyone who says they’re too busy. If they wanted to be around you, they would.” One can immediately spot the fascist undertones in their language. We will resist the temptation to name and shame these devious individuals – as ours is to cast away illusions; we are not here to condemn.
This kind of thinking is essentially anti-revolutionary. We are currently in the middle of the bae (before anyone else) revolution which has proven itself a progressive ideology that liberates us from the archaic and ineffective one-and-only ideology which has caused untold trauma and ampoer irreparable damages to the relations between the sexes. The bae revolution is at an advanced stage, and now the backward revisionist elements are trying to hijack it and drag us back to the days of darkness.
These forces of darkness have perverted the bae revolution to mean ‘before anything else’. Any straight thinking individual can see that this formulation, although might be deemed romantic by the overly sentimental, is devoid of any appreciation of reality. It simply cannot be!
Allow us to expand on why this formulation is disingenuous:
The Holy Alliance of Deputy Boyfriends is clear on the issue of broke niggas. The Arch-Bishop of the Oranje Vrystaat delivered the sermon “Broke Niggas Should Not Be Allowed To Have Sex” which was accepted as the Alliance’s stand on the matter. It is, we might hasten to add, a dismissible offense to deputise a broke nigga. We thus do not speak for broke niggas. The Alliance is also a mass-based organisation, as are most organisations in the men’s democratic movement, and its class character is necessarily proletariat in nature. We therefore do not speak for the super-rich.
Our members are workers, hustlers and dreamers. Our members are ambitious; they have talents to hone, and passions to feed. All the things we were led to believe, through centuries of trial and error and proclamations of women, are attractive characteristics in a man. It is thus utterly unfair to expect such an individual to not be busy. The Christian ideology, which women subscribe to in their majority, holds that “idle hands are the devil’s playground.”
Taking all the above into account, it is clear to see that ‘being busy’ is an integral part of being an eligible suitor. We are the first to admit that one should make time for his bae, and that one’s free time must in the main be dedicated to her. We however reject categorically the mischievous notion that one can never be too busy for bae. This notion does not take into account the reality of the time-colonising nature of plantation slavery nor that of ‘perfect[ing] the pastimes that we have harboured based solely on the fact that it makes us smile if it sounds dope.’
If a man who’s never busy is the new in-thing, there are plenty of broke niggas and a handful of the idle super-rich around who have all the time on their hands to be attentive to their baes at any moment.
The Holy Alliance of Deputy Boyfriends thus makes this impassioned plea to all and sundry to reject this nonsensical notion for the sake of happiness, peace and prosperity.
Our Baes Or Death. Let Love Flourish!
His Hornyness Yosef abuYeshua II
Pontiff of the Holy Alliance of Deputy Boyfriends
This statement was greatly welcomed by NAHAB, and some progressive forces in the men’s democratic movement. However certain sections of the movement, including the backward elements of NUBSA and BLF (many of whom fall within the abovementioned idle ‘broke niggas’ and ‘super-rich’ respectively), who had been taking advantage of the absenteeism were not too happy with the efforts of the Alliance. But theirs was nothing more than grumbles in the dark. The direction provided by the Alliance prevailed and once again cemented the Alliance’s intellectual supremacy and ideological leadership in the men’s democratic movement.
 Litheko, O. (2014, July 21). Broke Niggas Should Not Be Allowed To Have Sex. Retrieved from https://litheko.wordpress.com/2014/07/21/broke-niggas-should-not-be-allowed-to-have-sex/
 Aesop Rock (2001). 9-5ers Anthem. On Labor Days. Definitive Jux. (2001, September 18)
Despite the tireless work of the ministry of deputy boyfriends to keep relations between lovers intact and thriving, it does often happen that these relationships cannot stand the test of time. The break-up is the most painful experience for a deputy boyfriend as it means one has failed at least on two accounts; either one deputised a man not worthy of being deputised, or one was proved incompetent.
On the other hand, although this is rare, the deputy boyfriend is responsible for the break-up. This happens mostly when the clandestine deputising is exposed, or the girlfriend starts harbouring ambitions of catapulting the deputy into the Number 1 position.
The above are just the most common of the million reasons as to why a relationship assured by the Holy Alliance of Deputy Boyfriends may fail. Each failure triggers an introspection for the concerned deputy boyfriend and the ministry at large. In some cases an investigation into the conduct of the concerned parties will be initiated.
Be that as it may, the preventative, detective and corrective measures in place notwithstanding, relationships do fail. And when they do we find that our constituency, the deputised of the world, find themselves in a nervous condition – the post-breakup relationship.
There is no possibility for a relationship between ex-lovers post the love affair. The popular retort “we can be friends” is primarily a false invitation. The events leading up to the break-up are essentially traumatic. On the off-chance that this is not the case; the break-up itself is a traumatic experience. Once this is done. Once one or both parties have been hurt. Things can never be the same. Never. One if not both parties will be paralysed. The fear of hurting one’s lover again is paralysing. The fear of being hurt by your lover is as much paralysing.
Which renders the post break-up relationship a nervous condition. Don’t say too much. Don’t open up too much. Don’t get too close. Don’t linger too long on the hug. Don’t flirt too much. Whatever you do; don’t take it too far. In short: O s’ka phapha!
The ministry was thus tasked to provide leadership for our constituency to deal with this nervous condition. As is well-known; the ministry does not align itself with wack niggers of any hue. As thus we concentrated on rescuing only those who had been wronged from this quagmire of being an ex. To this end, we issued this short communique:
BRIEF ENCYCLYCAL ON EXES
All of those people who you call ‘exes’, your former lovers/friends/family/colleagues/comrades, who have fallen out with you, shall now be referred to as ‘Break away factions’.
This is only applicable if you have stayed true to the line (amorous/filial/political) that brought you together in the first instance.
By Order of the Papacy
P.S. If you harbour any animosity towards the above-mentioned individuals, it is permissible to refer to them as ‘sell-outs’.
This clarity was well received by the broad masses of our people. Many agreed that indeed there is no point in giving people that betrayed you vague and even endearing titles such as ‘ex-lover’. It is meet that these individuals be exposed for who they are and what they did.
In the first instance are the people we refer to as ‘break away factions’ or BAF for short. These are the people who have not necessarily betrayed the relationship, but left the relationship due to some misunderstanding or disagreement. It is always that one thing that causes the break, hence the formula BAE minus “_” equals BAF. Because it is always that one foundational thing that causes the break up.
This one thing sometimes is repairable, other times not. The BAF as such occupies a place where a possibility, conditional and precarious as it is, exists that the relationship can be re-established. In this case the deputy boyfriend will work tirelessly to make all parties see eye to eye on that one foundational thing. This is made easier by the fact that in most cases BAFs hold no animosity towards each other.
On the other hand of the spectrum, you have the sell outs. Those that betrayed the spirit and treaties of the relationship. Sexual and other infidelities come into play here. These one we advise our constituency to forget that they ever existed.
“Do you know that Patrick is the reason we’ve been married for ten years.”
~ Her Majesty The Queen of Comedy Kansiime Anne, Blessed Friend of the Holy Alliance of Deputy Boyfriends.
Our assumption of the papal office came at a turbulent albeit exciting time in the relations between peoples. It was a time in which clandestine operations became increasingly difficult due to the free flow of information, and redundant due to the spread of libertine ideas. The latter process is however not complete.
We live in a time were old established backward ideas live side by side with new nascent liberatory theories. It is a time in which contradictions and antagonisms have coffee together locked in tense arguments. It’s the interregnum – the dying is not yet dead and the new is not yet born.
It has been the mission of our Papacy to place the Alliance at the forefront of this bourgeoning revolution. We have elected to work amongst our own, to prepare them for the new world that must come, to divorce them from the old world to which some cling so closely to.
In the first instance we worked within the Alliance; we got rid of those wajellwa-phobic psychopaths who masqueraded as deputy boyfriends only because they no longer believed in the possibility of love and sought to use the ministry as a place to hide. We also worked tirelessly to move the work of the ministry out of the darkness and in this fashion formed partnerships with other organisations in the men’s democratic movement.
It is through these partnerships that we were able to empower and embolden the progressive forces within the movement through ideological guidance. Our work therefore reached a greater audience wherein we sought to drag these members into the 21st century.
Thirdly we have sought to bring the message of liberation to the broad masses of our people through our encyclicals and exhortations on major questions of the day affecting the amorous relations.
In all our endeavours, as evidenced in the preceding chapters, were have sought to highlight, commend and amplify the progressive elements/uses of all phenomena in human relations – be it friend-zoning, blessing or Ben10ism – and conversely condemned the reactionary elements/uses of these said phenomena.
This is done with sensitivity so that we do not take away from the people the institutions they have built but rather seek to use these institutions towards progressive ends. We are humble enough to know that we cannot dictate how the people should organise their own relations, ours as the vanguard of the sexual revolution is to engage, advise and critique whenever these institutions are built and/or sustained on the oppression of any group.
Our main failures are that we failed to deal decisively with reactionary elements in the broader movement as we did with the ones inside the Alliance. Also we failed dismally to extend a hand to progressives outside the men’s democratic movement, including but not limited the women’s and non-binary movements. We failed also to advocate for our gay brethren inside the men’s democratic movement.
Only history will judge our trepidation on speaking for the ministry of deputising as a whole instead of the narrow focus on heterosexual monogamous relationships. We know that many of our people in homosexual and/or polyamorous relationships for instance could use the kind of leadership we provided for the men’s democratic movement. However, there has been instances where we did make attempts to speak to the broader populace and we hope that were we erred forgiveness, understanding and guidance will be graciously granted.
We left the papal office intact with both the Alliance and the ministry in good condition. The strides our Papacy achieved are girded on strong foundations and with the sexual revolution in full swing there can only be greater strides achieved. With the fall of patriarchy and homophobia imminent, the ministry is in for an even more tumultuous and exciting time.
We have been to the mountain top; we have seen the coming revolution. We leave the Papacy with no regrets of a job not well done or half done. Our path has led us elsewhere, as such we do not mind that we will not lead the Alliance into the promised land. We are fully confident that the next Pontiff will lead us all to the land of freedom and equality.
The walls of patriarchy are slowly crumbling down. The cultural pillars of it are being chopped down by the decolonisation wave that has put paid to Victorian ‘Africanity’. Its economic pillars are rattled by the rise of slayers. Its social pillars cannot whither the ratchet storm. Politically it is formally dead, ethically it never had a leg to stand on, morally it is utterly bankrupt. We impatiently await, and tirelessly work towards, patriarchy’s last breath. As that fateful day dawns, new ways of relating must be imagined. The old ways, most if not all girded by patriarchy, must fall.
Where stands the men’s democratic movement in this future, and the making thereof? In the latter, as our Papacy has laboured, the movement must be in the trenches ensuring that freedom does indeed come tomorrow. The movement must fight for men to be ready and enable them to live in this future.
It is the Alliance’s understanding that “patriarchy is abusive on some of us men who are not interested in leadership, as it forces us to be leaders in families. We want partners to co-govern with; not wives who will submit to us. We don’t want be heads of anything but our lives. If this fails then polyandry must be practiced, and we shall form Governments of National Unity. In the meanwhile, we remain Deputies; without any trace of bitterness.”
This understanding delineates that even the ministry of deputising, progressive as it may be, is but a defence against patriarchy. And from there follows that with the demise of patriarchy, the ministry will become obsolete. This is further bolstered by the fact that the need for deputies also stems from men’s patriarchy-induced handicap in loving women.
Is this then to be the fate of the broader movement? We don’t see why not, as with the demise of patriarchy there’d be nothing to fight for men against. The dawn of the concerted struggle for women’s rights brought to light the unethical foundations of our relations that even the most dunderhead of us cannot deny. The unimaginative amongst us, the likes of AWB and PLOW, have sought to put brakes on this tide, they have clung to every imaginable straw from religion to biology in a bid to deny the naked truth.
Some of them just shrug their shoulders, they respect us enough to not attempt a counter argument in favour of patriarchy, and say “it is what it is.” However a growing number of us have put up our hands and said “count me in”, as we work towards the total obliteration of all oppressive institutions.
So indeed yes, the Alliance and the movement at large only has a future in working towards and preparing men for the future, but in that future it has no place.
To this end the movement must rid itself of all the vestiges of the past. By this we do not mean expel these individuals and organisations, but fight for them – as is our mandate – to see the light. We cannot go forward at the pace we are supposed to if we still have in our midst those who will eat away at the gains of the struggle. In this regard we offer as a model our Papacy’s dealing with a defector as highlighted in chapter four.
The Alliance and men’s democratic movement as a whole must offer an olive branch to the women’s and non-binary movements and must not be deterred nor antagonised by rejection, as this rejection would be more than justified given our complicity in the latter’s oppression.
This reaching out must be done because the movement has much to gain from such partnerships. The engagements must be honest and not patronising – the Alliance and the movement at large must not withhold criticism where its due and must accept that this criticism is already compromised by the positionality of who it is coming from and as such must constantly check for blind spots and always be willing to be clarified.
The level and calibre of leadership in the movement has been astounding. Indeed, ever since my resignation as the Pontiff of the Holy Alliance of Deputy Boyfriends, we had been harbouring fears that the nation would be rendered leaderless. That was until a worthy but unlikely Leader emerged from the doldrums of society.
Amidst the confusion caused by Eritrea and the impending Valentine season, coupled with studies and anecdotal evidence to the effect that SA men are failing their women, this Leader has provided clarity.
The one and true Leader, Karabo Moroka, went where not many dare to go, publicly and officially demanding to have two husbands. Her decisiveness allayed our fears; we are confident that the country has leaders that will take us into the future in which the movement should be part and parcel of working towards.
In this future of working towards a new and brighter egalitarian future the movement can only grow stronger, more organised and disciplined, intellectually and ideologically sharp, and ethically well aligned. Its dissolution will come as a natural result of its victory.
 Rumour had it that Eritrea had compelled its men to take at least two wives or face imprisonment. Although it was all a myth, some amongst our duller members were sold on the idea and already planning to emigrate.
It is of course common cause that I had to abandon my Leadership and active membership of the Alliance due to the workings of the third force – I fell in love. As thus I was automatically parachuted to the Leadership of NAHAB as per protocol.
But it is well-known that I suffer from acute misanthropy – as such I feel very uncomfortable in a mass movement such as NAHAB. I am more comfortable in elite vanguard movements such as my former HADB and NUBSA – but my aversion to preening disqualifies me from the latter.
Pursuant the above, I sat down with my Supreme Leader to get clarity as to what must happen with the country. After much deliberation it was resolved that the only movement relevant for me is the BLF.
We agreed that, as a revolutionary and monogamist, I would not enter into these Blesser/Blessee relations for sexual exploitation of young women, but in return for the blessings I will be conferring upon them the young women would offer me unrestricted access into their thoughts, theories and experiences which I would then use in my new chosen ministry of graphomania.
But there’s the little problem of blessings.
So I appeal to you, comrades and compatriots, to ensure that these Pope Chronicles reach far and wide. That we are invited on speaking engagements from Langa to Lagos. We must be quick to remind you that our turn in selfless struggles is over, as such these words that must reach far and wide and their concomitant speaking engagements must be compensated for. So please, buy black!
Yosef abuYeshua II
Pope Emeritus of the Holy Alliance of Deputy Boyfriends
(and with your support) Candidate for the Blessers Leadership Forum
The one thing that men fear the most, after their wives and mothers that is, is being cuckolded. This fictional memoire is a tongue in cheek self-help manual to unburden men of this fear. Misappropriating religious and political jargon and theories, the memoire tackles issues that the modern men is faced with in his amorous relations with the opposite sex. In the main, the memoire highlights the role played by deputy boyfriends in assisting men in relating with their lovers. Its premise is that due to a host of factors, patriarchy chief among them, the majority of men are handicapped in loving a woman. Thus creating a vacuum – and as the Commander in Chief Julius Malema is wont to say; nature doesn’t allow a vacuum. The memoire is written from the perspective of Yosef abuYeshua II, former pontiff of the Holy Alliance of Deputy Boyfriends and leader in the ministry of deputising. He explores the major moments of the ministry during his papacy, utilising the official statements from the papal office with explanatory commentary. This to bring to light the work of the Alliance and its position on the contentious issues of the day. It is the ultimate appraisal of all the deputy boyfriends, from the original deputy boyfriend Joseph who deputised God to South Africa’s very own Dali Mpofu who deputised for Tata Nelson Mandela.