The subject matter of this little book is girlfriends, boyfriends, wives, husbands, working, eating, drinking, sleeping, God, life, death and the universe but please remember, this isn’t War and Peace or Crime and Punishment, I’m simply trying to bring a smile to a few people’s faces.
When we were young our family was very poor but Mum loved a bargain one day she came home from town with something very weird looking.
‘Look what I got on special from the shops.’
‘What is it?’
‘I don’t know but it was half price!’
I went to school in England and then Australia, in England we were all nice little people and butter wouldn’t melt in our mouths, when I got to Australia all the kids wanted to talk about was sex and what they got up to, it was all crap but there you go!
‘Have you got a girl friend?’
‘What’s she like?’
‘A real goer.’
‘Have you…you know?’
‘What’s her name? ‘
‘I don’t think she’s got one.’
I can remember when I was a bit older, you were expected to go out with girls but girls frightened most of us boys to death, we really weren’t interested in going out with girls but it was expected of us so we did.
‘Do ya wanna go out?’
‘What’s ya name?’
‘Ya wanna go out?’
‘You asked me that already.’
‘Oh! What’s ya name?’
My sisters were a good bit older than me and they got themselves pregnant, got married and left home but their new found loves didn’t work out very well and they were moving back home before we knew it.
‘I’m going now.’
‘I won’t be back.’
‘Are you happy I’m going?’
‘No, I care for you.’
‘If you only meant that.’
‘Of course I do.’
‘I’m still going!’
‘Don’t forget to shut the door.’
My wife and I went to a friend’s house for a slap up dinner, the man of the house was cooking, he was the gourmet cook, and when we got there he threw various takeaway meal menus on the table and asked us what we would like.
‘What’s for dinner?’
‘A home cooked meal.’
‘You can have takeaway Italian, Chinese or Indian.’
‘What are you cooking?’
‘I’m warming the plates.’
When I went to University it was all fun and frolics but we also wanted to get what was called a well-rounded education, nowadays you go to university to get a degree that provides a job ticket.
‘You got into university?’
‘What ya gonna take?’
‘Something that will benefit mankind as a whole.’
‘Good, great, what is it?’
People look down their noses at the fun and frolics of the young but it’s all part of growing up.
‘Great, I got drunk Friday, I smoked dope Saturday and I went to an ecstasy party Sunday.’
‘That’s not good.’
‘You wanted me to get an education.’
I make my income from making and selling alcohol but I love to laugh at wine snobs.
‘What ya got?’
‘Bottle of wine.’
‘Lovely bouquet, good mouth feel, firm on the pallet.’
‘But do you like it?’
‘Tastes like dog poo and kerosene.’
I’m neutral on whether global warming exists or not but I hate the way scientists say: it’s proven, you cannot contest the evidence, isn’t science all about contesting the evidence?
‘It’s been a mild winter.’
‘There’s a big storm coming.’
‘The toaster broke down.’
My wife and I moved to the country for the quiet life but the animals can make a real racket.
‘I want to move to the country.’
‘The quiet life.’
‘Yeah birds singing, cows mooing, sheep bleating, hens clucking.’
‘Think I’ll stay here.’
When you are in a relationship you learn a lot about people and quite often you don’t like them as much as you thought you did, you get on each other’s nerves and it’s at this time you think about the early days of the relationship and you try to recreate the feelings and the excitement you had then.
‘Can we start over?’
‘I love you.’
‘If we are starting over that’s too soon.’
‘Okay d’ya want to hang together.’
‘I wouldn’t be seen dead with you.’
I could talk about this one but it is just a lovely little play on words.
‘I lost my virginity.’
‘Come on I’ll help you find it.’
Marriage is compromise but maybe this compromise goes a bit far.
‘My husband wants a boy.’
‘I want a girl.’
‘We have decided to compromise.’
Writers have the tendency to take themselves very, very, seriously.
‘I want to write a murder mystery!’
‘But I think one should write from experience.’
‘But you’re not mysterious and you’ve never been murdered!’
When you are a young lad you are actually scared of girls and don’t know what on earth to say to them but there are always grown-ups with so called good advice.
‘I met a girl.’
‘I don’t know what to say to her.’
‘Just be natural.’
‘Tell her you’re a millionaire rock star.’
Old people are seen by the young as past it but at our cider cellar we often see the golden oldies with their new partners, life these days is full of possibilities.
‘I’m sorry about your devastating loss grandma.’
‘Grandpa was great.’
‘What are you going to do now?’
‘I think I’ll go for a young spunk this time.’
When you first get together with the one you love, it’s all mad passionate sex and everlasting love but when you have been together for a while the ordinary things in life become more important.
‘You’re the last person I’m thinking of at night.’
‘That’s really nice sweetheart.’
‘Yes I’m thinking what will you cook me for breakfast?’
When a man is young he goes out with girls for a variety of reasons. One reason is because he is expected to, the main one is, as you guessed, sex, even if it is just kissing but how does a man know when he has found a girl he really likes.
‘How do you know when you really like a girl dad?’
‘You know when you really like a girl son cause you remember her name.’
There are loopy people who go around the place saying strange things and what they say can be very funny. Don’t get me wrong, I like to say loopy things myself.
‘My mother died.’
‘Oh I am sorry.’
‘I just need to talk to somebody.’
‘Do you want me to come to the funeral?’
‘No she was buried five years ago.’
We all like to get our own way sometimes.
‘He always wants his own way.’
‘So you stood up to him?’
‘Yes, I can’t stand people who always want their own way.’
‘You’re so right.’
‘I said either do it my way or get out.’
This one needs no introduction.
‘I had my identity stolen!’
‘But the thief took one look at it, and he felt so sorry for me, he returned it.’
I met them at University, intellectuals, they often think they are so smart and they sit around correcting people’s English and actually they have a very stifled and antiquated approach to language.
‘My boyfriend’s an intellectual.’
‘He goes to university?’
‘No, he can say fuck in ten languages!’
When you are young and you go out with your first girlfriend the world is a wonderful place and she is a wonderful person and you declare that you will love her forever but it doesn’t usually happen that way.
‘Mum walked out on us.’
‘We are all broken up about it, especially dad, he’s heartbroken.’
‘What will he do now?’
‘Marry his girlfriend I expect.’
Sex is still a big taboo subject and the first time you do it the world is supposed to move for you but in fact this is often far from the case.
‘I went to bed with my boyfriend for the first time!’
‘What was it like?’
‘I don’t remember I was busy talking on my mobile phone.’
The truth about murder in the modern world is that more people are killed in the home than are killed by villains.
‘I lost my husband in a shooting accident.’
‘He attacked me with a knife and I accidently shot him!’
When you are a young man peer pressure is enormous and if the girl doesn’t quite fit the mould of what your peers think is beautiful then you don’t go out with her, no matter how much you like her.
‘I had sex for the first time.’
‘What was it like?’
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If humour is the best medicine, as they say, little book is worth a whole hospital full of doctors, here are a couple of exerts taken at random: 25: Shooting Accident ‘I lost my husband in a shooting accident.’ ‘Oh!’ ‘He attacked me with a knife and I accidently shot him!’ 100: Sweet Tooth: 'How much sugar are you putting in your coffee?' 'I got a sweet tooth.' 'Sweet tooth.' 'Yeah.' 'You gotta sweet mouth!' Review: 'Lovely little book of witticisms, it had me chuckling out loud quite a few times. This would be a really good reference book for getting across something witty during awkward silences on dates or could be used in meetings, I'm going to keep my copy at work close at hand.' 'I like the sort of book you can dip into, at random, when you've a couple of minutes to spare, and this is one of them. Humour isn't the only feature of these observations, many of them have a deeper aspect to them - can set you thinking or, just enjoy the fact that the author seems to have the knack to take any subject and put a funny spin on it.'