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Laugh With Me:Part One

 

Laugh With Me

Part One

 

Copyright© 2016 U.D McAlls

Published by U.D McAlls at Shakespir

 

 

 

Shakespir Edition License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your enjoyment only, then please return to Shakespir.com or your favorite retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

 

 

 

 

Table of Contents

Acknowledgements

Prologue

Jokes

About U.D McAlls

Other Books by U.D McAlls

Connect with U.D McAlls

 

 

 

Acknowledgements

My honour goes to those who know the value of honour. Most especially to my beloved comedian who passed away December 2015, may his gentle soul rest in the bossom of our lord. In the person of Dede One Day.

 

Prologue

Heavy people and highest people of Smashword eeh! CEO and Authors, Publishers and Readers, Affiliate Marketers and Retailers, I’ve landed with Laugh with Me of the Laughing Jackass. I remain yours sincerely yours faithfully, yours CGS MTS, OPP, MTT, UTT OPP Chief Executive of laughers, General Executive talk actives. If you laugh till tomorrow me I will talk to next year. U.D McAlls the sky is my starting point. If this piece of work interests you please don’t forget to put your legs together for me. Also there is love in sharing buy yours and your neighbours as well.

 

 

Introduction

Hello!

Can every one please give me a round of ampiclus hahaha or applause which ever you wish to use. Let me use this medium or is it media? To inform you that whatever you do in this planet Earth without Jesus is non-senstical! what did I say? Because ive gone to heaven and found out that God his son Jesus Christ is still sitting tight on the throneeven on earth here he is still the all in all, the Alpha and the Omega be warned I don’t mean Werewolf’s. he is the SuntiBunti, BuntiBunti please don’t bit your tongue (Highest point, points of points). All those people that have put their trust in those other things those things have fucked them up and down. If you say it’s a lie go and ask D. Loris who wanted to pose as the second son of God what happen to him? To show you a prove about this let’s take an example with these donkeys.

 

DONKEYS

Two donkeys were walking in Jerusalem when one donkey said to the other “just yesterday I was here carrying Jesus and people were singing and shouting and throwing down their cloths for me to walk on and today they won’t even recognize me”. The other donkey replied and said “that is it my brother without Jesus you’re nothing”.

 

PRAYER WARRIORS

Prayer warriors came to my yard last night, by 12.am they started praying, casting, binding, losing, prophesying and robocasting. I thought everyone has gone to sleep but there was someone awake, this drunkard, smoker was still awake giving to the wind his fears. The prayer warriors perceived the smell of the weed and started and started humming hmmn… hmmn…. as if they have been possed by the holy spirit. Suddenly a cockerel started pursuing a hen, the head prayer warrior shouted and asked “who is doing that in the backyard?” The drunkard replied “a cock is raping a hen”.

 

MAD MAN

A mad man in U.S.A, the one in Thailand, or in Nigeria, Bulgaria, Equatorial Guinea cannot behave the same character, bro if they have the same character maybe it isn’t God that created them. We were at London bridge fourteen days ago, that is two weeks and now, when one mad ran away from a psychiatric home he stood by the bridge shouting thirteen!, thirteen!!, thirteen!!!, travelers, peddlers both black and blind men stood afar watching the man as he was shouting thirteen!, thirteen!!, thirteen!!! Sweating profusely, one death wished cop went near the man to see what the man was throwing into the bridge and shouting thirteen!, thirteen!!, thirteen!!!, immediately he came close to the mad man, the mad man threw him into the river and began counting fourteen! fourteen!! fourteen!!!, everybody iyaaa…

 

DREAM CAR

A young woman woke up one morning and told the husband that she was in a dream, where her husband bought her a brand new car, the husband surprised by that said to her praise God, in your next dream remind me, I will buy it for you.

 

 

 

 

CHURCH USHER

A church usher caught a sister sleeping in the church and passed a note to her that read I Thess.5v6 the sister read it and the brother through a note also I Thess.4v11. Take time to read the verses.

 

 

MATHEMATICS KISS

A boy was teaching a girl maths. He kissed her and then kissed her again and said, “This is addition.”

Then the girl kissed him back and said, “This is subtraction.”

Then they kissed each other and both said, “This is multiplication. “Suddenly the girl’s dad came and knocked the boy, slapped him, kicked him, beat him up entirely, threw him away and said, “That is called BODMAS!”

 

WHO IS THE FUNNIEST?

1. HAUSA man who removed his shoes to enter a taxi.

2. IGBO man who went to the bank with a spanner to open a bank account.

3. A YORUBA man who went to bed with a ruler just to know how long he slept.

4. A TIV man who watched the news and waved at the news caster.

5. AN EFIK nurse who woke up a sleeping patient simply because she forgot to give him sleeping pills.

6. AN IGALA man who lowered his TV volume because he wanted to read a text message..

9. AN IKWERE man who polished his shoes to take a passport photo.

10. AN ISOKO man who climbed a mango tree to check if the mango was ripe enough then came down and started stoning it.

11. A FULANI man who chose to drink Fanta because he thought sprite was unripe.

12. A GWARI man who saw something that looked like shit touched and tasted and said “Hmmm” its shit ooo!!! Thank God I didn’t match it.

13. AN IDOMA man who put his radio inside the refrigerator because he wanted to listen to Cool FM.

Don’t forget to share

 

AKPOS WEDDING

During Akpos’ wedding reception, he was called upon to give his vote of thanks to his guests, and preceded as follows: 1. I want to first of all thank the Lord Almighty for creating my wife and to also thank the pastor and his wife for lending us their wedding rings. 2. Special appreciation to my landlord who lent us his car. 3. I am most grateful to my boss for approving the loan I used for the wedding. 4. Big thanks to the committee of friends for the appeal fund they raised on my behalf. 5. Also to my brother’s wife, thank you for lending us your wedding gown. 6. I’m so grateful to the cake designer for the cake. I promised to return it tomorrow morning as agreed without cutting or part of it. 7. Special thanks to my friends who brought food from their homes to help me feed you all. Please for those who were served food good luck and for Those who didn’t get any, well we will make it up to you during our child dedication (hopefully next year). 8. Very big thanks to my parents for bringing the village cultural band to supply the music as well as entertain us all here, today. 9. Not forgetting the church marriage committee, thank you for persuading my wife to marry me. 10. Appreciation to the married men in the church for rushing me into this marriage. 11. The women are not left out, thanks a lot for teaching my wife how to dance. 12. To the youths, thank you for sweeping and decorating this venue with palm fronds. 13. I am also grateful to my teenage friends for helping with the Pepsi Cola drink 14. Appreciation to my co- tenants for contributing money for the cameraman 15. Well, I wish you all safe journey and I pray you don’t experience what I suffered for this wedding. Thank you all.

 

 

 

SKINNY: LATE FOR PARTY

There is a big difference between slim and thin. When I mean thin, in the sense that those thin people ladies most especially re not given injections so that the syringe won’t touch their bones. They will be given the medicine to rub on their body. What I’m I talking about? There is this thin lady she was late for a party hurried out, stopped a bike and climbed the bike, the bike man was driving with gear two, the girl picked offence and said “driver please match gear four I’m late”. The driver told her miss please it’s you I’m considering. The girl repeated the complaint “match gear four, isn’t it my money that I will pay you? The driver matched gear four and speeds off, to your greatest surprise when he reached the girls destination he looked back and didn’t see his passenger, breeze has carried her away.

 

DADDY’S CARROT

A man while coming back from work one afternoon bought carrot for his family. When the carrot might have gone them round four times he kept the rest and said “we will eat them in the evening”. The man told his last son to come and bath with him, when the man pulled his trousers the boy shouted at the sight of his father’s penis “Daddy is that where you hid the carrots”?

 

FUEL SUBSIDY

Because of the fuel scarcity in Nigeria I packed my car and stopped using it. I decided to trek out that cool evening, on my way going I saw my friend who beaconed me to join him for a ride, I obliged and entered the car. We didn’t move three inches from the spot he picked me his car ran out of fuel. He wanted to buy I told him “mate let pack this car her and trek” my reason was a very good one cus a litre of fuel was one hundred and twenty naira, I suggested maybe we leave the care there and take it the next day when the fuel price might have gone down. My friend totally disagreed with me, went ahead and bought the fuel, he siphoned is with his mouth, he spat out without knowing there was what we call fuel residue in his mouth, he went away a little bit from the car lit a stick of cigarette to your greatest surprise my friend became a dragon, fire was coming out of his mouth, I started clapping for him and told him I will follow him to his next show. When I knew the stuff was serious was when I saw an ambulance that carried him away. Funny enough we still left the car there.

 

MEN ARE MEN.

A girl at bustop spotted a handsome man and without hesitation she told him “I love u”

Man placed his hand on her head: “this love and infatuation all are nothing, Go back to your home and study hard so that u can lead a successful life”

Man then placed a piece of paper in her hand:” I have written some wisdom for you. Read before u sleep” and went away.

Girl went back to hostel with tears and before sleep she opens the paper.

“Are you blind? My wife was standing behind me.. Anyway this is my number call me anytime.by the way. I love u too!”

 

PLEASE, WHO AMONG THESE DRUNKARDS IS MORE DRUNK?

#
p<>{color:#000;}. After drinking he went inside the hotel’s restroom to urinate.on entering the toilet, he saw the reflection of himself on the mirror and shouted “Oh, sorry, somebody is even here”

#
p<>{color:#000;}. After drinking he got up and started searching for his phone all around. He puts on the phones’ torch light (the one he is looking for) to enable him look for the phone..in the process the same phone rang, he picked up and answered “please call me back, I’m looking for this phone “

 

#
p<>{color:#000;}. After drinking..he entered his car and drove off, on getting to the major road ,he saw Julius Begger’s trailer that has been there for three years, he quietly went and park behind the trailer, after three hours, he started shouting “what kind of is this is this sef!”…thinking he was in a traffic jam.. Lol…

 

BROTHER DANIEL

On the day of his baptism, Bob was dipped in the Water 3 times by the Pastor, who told him “as from today you are a new creature and your new name will be Brother Daniel…you should avoid drinking and committing other sins. Brother Daniel was very happy with himself and the baptism. Upon getting home, Brother Daniel opened his fridge and found a bottle of Heineken beer; he took a lingering look at it then picked it up and dipped it in water 3 times; and then announced “from today you are a new creature and your new name will be Yoghurt…”

 

DUMB FARMER

A farmer caught a thief who had been stealing his yam and decided to drag him to the village square. Half way to the square, the thief said to the man, “Please, I have forgotten my slippers in the farm, can I go and get them?” The farmer obliged, “Hurry up! I would be waiting for you here.“He waited endlessly and realised he had been fooled. He went home and told his elder brother what had happened. His elder brother brutally slapped him and said, “You are extremely dumb! You should have told the thief to wait while you go get his slippers for him!”

 

 

IS AKPOS WISER THAN THE DEVIL?

Three men, a Philosopher, A Mathematician and Akpos, were out riding in the car when it

crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of

Heaven, where St. Peter and the devil were standing nearby “gentlemen,” the devil started, “due to the fact that heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don’t know or cannot answer, then you’re worthy enough to go to heaven; if not, then you’ll come with me to hell.”

The philosopher then stepped up, “ok, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates’

teachings.” with a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. “Then, go to hell!” with another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, “Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think

of!” with a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the devil the mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. “then, go to hell!” with another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too. Akpos then stepped forward and said “bring me a chair!” the devil brought forward a chair. “Drill 7 holes on the seat”, said Akpos. The devil did just that. Akpos then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked: “which hole did my fart come out from?”

The devil inspected the seat and said: “the third h0le from the right.” “Wrong,” said Akpos. “It’s from my asshole.” ….Akpos went to heaven.

 

AKPOS SAW THE WHOLE THING

Teacher: Why did you laugh?

 

John: I saw a strap of your bra.

 

Teacher: Get out. No class for you for one week.

[Another boy (Olayinka) laughs.]

 

Teacher: why did you laugh?

 

Olayinka: I saw both straps.

 

Teacher: Get out. No class for you for one month.

 

She then bends down to pick a chalk at Akpos front desk.

 

Suddenly, Akpos started walking out of the class.

 

Teacher: Akpos! Why are you walking out of my class?

 

Akpors: With what I saw just now, I think my school days are over.

 

More is coming!!!

Read out for Part2 or is it watch out?

 

About the Author

Self made guy who tries to make everyone around him laugh all the time. When around him you are always smiling. But he is also a chief trouble maker who knows how to get through his troubles in a twinkle of an eye which he believes is faster than the speed of light.

 

Other books by this author

Please visit your favorite ebook retailer to discover other books by U.D McAlls

 

Days with Aunty Alma

Temperamental

 

 

Connect with U.D McAlls

I really appreciate you reading my book! Here are my social media coordinates:

 

Friend me on Facebook: http://facebook.com/allwell.onuoha1

Follow me on Twitter: http://twitter.com/allwellonuoha

Favorite my Shakespir author page: https://www.Shakespir.com/profile/view/U.DMcAlls

 

 


Laugh With Me:Part One

  • Author: U.D McAlls
  • Published: 2016-06-21 21:50:07
  • Words: 2845
Laugh With Me:Part One Laugh With Me:Part One