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by Ryan Starbloak
Copyright 2015 by Ryan Starbloak
(Scene: A living room in Heaven. To the right is a couple of steps, a landing leads to an opulent white staircase leading up and off-stage. There is another set of steps to the left leading down off-stage. Jesus comes from stage left, mimicking an escalator effect. Make that apparent once he’s completely on stage. There’s an angelic spotlight on him as he gets to the top, at least until-)
GOD:[_ (Off stage)_] Yes! Yes! Got you, motherfucker.
([The spotlight goes out shaky and leaves _]Jesus[, reappears on the other side of the stage where ]GOD’s[ voice, coming from stage right.)_]
Jesus: (Looking around the room) Dad, it’s Jesus. I’m home!
GOD:[_ _]Oh hey son. Just a second. I’ll be right down.
[(_]Jesus[ waits and looks at his wristband watch impatiently. His clothes are still stained from his crucifixion and death. He looks around, observing the various items in the living room, the kinds of things you would find in any living room, when thunderous footsteps are heard as ]GOD[ descends the steps. A video game controller cleverly covers his crotch for this scene, his arms are lax and holding the controller in front of the crotch, in his usual costume.)_]
GOD: Hey, kid. How did it all go down there? Wasn’t expecting you so soon.
Jesus: Father. Didn’t you see it? How did I get here?
GOD: Ah. No. See, I set you on auto-ascension awhile back. Yeah, been kind of busy up here.
(GOD[_ is clearly distracted and still a playing video game, although there is no television or console in front of him.)_]
Jesus: What the heck, dad? I put on a nice show for all my followers like you said to, and you weren’t even watching? Dying really hurt too, you know?
GOD: No, I’ve never died. I’ve just always been. Hard to explain. Jesus, why are you still wearing that bloody mortal garb? [(_]GOD[ takes one hand off of the controller and points at Jesus’s chest, while just for a second actually looking at his son)_] You’re absolutely filthy. Come on, Jesus. You’re in Heaven now. As to how your clothes came up with you, I don’t know.
Jesus: (Curiously) There are things that you don’t know?
GOD: That’s the thing, I don’t know! Now throw those in the holy washing machine. But just so you know, to avoid any super awkward situations: it’s Heaven.[_ (Speaks excitedly) _]Everyone’s naked up here!
Jesus: (Jesus sits down on the couch and looks at the coffee table) Yeah, I noticed. Where’s the shame?
GOD: Oh, that all gets sent down to Earth. Piles up in a place the humans will one day call Utah [(_]GOD[ laughs)_]. Come now. You had to die. (Speaks reasonably) You’re my only son.
(_]Jesus [_looks detached, upset.)
Jesus: So? What does that even mean? [(Looks back at _]GOD[) _]Look, I guess it’s good that I get to stop worrying and just live forever with you and my real mom now-
GOD: Yeah, here’s the thing, son. Mary was the closest thing you had to a real mom. I sort of just, you know, sucked my own, spit out the resulting juices and folded it up into handkerchief. Then I gave it to an angel to spill in Mary. You know, I don’t get it, but if she hadn’t been a virgin, people wouldn’t have given a shit about you. Even if like, just once at a party your Mom gave it to some fine sailor years before you were actually conceived. You would lose all credibility as the son of GOD. Those humans, Jesus.
Jesus: I understand our position in enlightening them is very precarious. I just. Why did I have to die over it?
GOD: Well see, you died for their sins… and this and that. [(_]GOD[ clearly more engaged in his video game)_] Take that, zombie!
Jesus: Are you referring to me?
GOD[*: *]No, dude. I’m fighting zombies. It’s not all about the messiah, son!
Jesus[*: *]Oh, right. I just think there would have been a more sensible, less extreme way to go about it. We could have faked my death. Sometimes it feels like my adolescent years are completely unaccounted for. You made me grow up so fast and now I won’t even get to grow old. I just don’t get it, Father. I’m your son. I really hope you got your message across to them.
GOD: Me too. I should have put more thought into it, honestly. I got all hyped up one day about making a son and having him bear all man’s sins. The execution was just sloppy.
Jesus: Why do you say so?
GOD: I just stopped paying attention. It can get pretty boring. Sometimes I go centuries without keeping an eye on things down there, to go back to side projects and what I was doing before I created everything.
Jesus: And that was?
GOD: Ha, you’ll love it, Jesus. Yes. Before the genesis of the All, it was just me, up there [(_]GOD[ points upstairs, to stage right)_]. I played Sega. Sonic. He’s this really fast hedgehog that can run on two legs. There are these jumps and ramps and obstacles. Lots of fun. Anyway, I got somewhat overeager one day and decided to bring forth all there ever was, is, or will be. I made man in my image. And woman in a much more beautiful image of that. But then they got all sentient and with the free will and language, blah-blah!
Jesus: Yes, I saw that when I was living there. Many do not believe you exist.
GOD: Of course I exist! How could they doubt that?
Jesus: It’s not like you do anything to show it.
GOD: Why should I? Hmmpppshhh. If that’s how they want to do it, just wait until their judgment! They’ll all be in line with murderers who believe in me and have repented, then the non-believers will go to Hell and be all like, “Whhha, it’s not fair,” and shit.
Jesus: You sound so spiteful for GOD. It’s all so irrational and illogical to pardon a murderer but not pardon a man just for doubting you. I had a lot of friends down there who just wanted you to approach them with signs.
GOD: Me-dammit, why are you getting so uppity? How was your three day stay in paradise? Did you get inadequate service? This is Heaven. You’re supposed to feel perfect!
Jesus: Uh, it was fine.
GOD: Fine?! It should have been exquisite. I’m sending them straight to Hell!
Jesus: Father, this could be part of the problem. Hell is so, well, permanent. Can’t you just give people a sentence or something?
GOD: Pshhhh, I’m GOD. I gave people the concept of sentences! Fuck them. They suck.
Jesus: Didn’t you say you made them in your image?
GOD: Hey! Jesus! Now, stop undermining me, man. Not cool.
Jesus: I’m sorry, Dad. It’s just you really upset me. I mean. GOD, they crucified me. It’s among the slowest ways to die.
GOD: Now that’s enough out of you! Enjoy Heaven and shut up. I’ll let you go back down there and pay a visit-
Jesus: [_(Rising out of his chair) _]Ah, really? Can I, can I?
GOD: Yeah. Eventually. After I’ve precipitated the apocalypse and vanquished everyone I subjectively consider unworthy, right to Hell. Which, isn’t really all fire and brimstone. Satan just doesn’t clean his apartment. It can get pretty smelly!
Jesus: [_(Mouth agape in a stupor) _]…ah. When will that be?
GOD: September 6th, 1994? No, no. March 31st, 1995? Or was it May 21st, 2011? You know, I’m not sure. It’s a fluid schedule, you know? I’m sure I marked it on the holy eternal calendar. Maybe it’s three hundred thousands years, now that I think of it.
Jesus: Well, what the fuck am I suppose to do in the meantime?
GOD: It’s Heaven. And you’re my son. Here on Wednesdays, you can eat for free at the IHOP.
Jesus: Fair enough. But what I meant was, what am I suppose to while I’m waiting?
GOD: Oh, uh… you can always keep an eye on the humans. But, like I said, that gets boring as Hell.
Jesus: Can… can I try that video game up there? [(_]Jesus[ points to the steps on stage right.)_]
GOD: No! ONLY GOD MAY GO UP THERE AND PLAY THE HOLY CONSOLE. THE INFINITE, THE OMNISCIENCE-
Jesus: Fine.[_ (Speaks in agitation)_] GOD, I’ll just munch on some hash browns then.
On another note, I have a lot of interesting stuff coming soon. Why, you should see me working on all the books I’m working on. Sadly, that could turn weird. So instead, I’ll tell you that if you’d like to know more about what’s next on my end, you should join my mailing list at:
When you sign-up, I also send you a free ebook copy my comic fantasy book First Reality. If you liked what you just read, then I imagined you’d enjoy it! And that’s just the the beginning for my wonderful readers. I share updates for upcoming projects, discounts, and interesting tidbits I come across in my journey to being a real boy.
So see that link above?
That’s my Youtube channel.
Music, philosophy, absurdity.
More specifically, I produce content such as:
Fried Philosophy: thought discourse on philosophical topics. Explained in a accessible & entertaining fashion.
The Thought Program: Ever since 2008, I’ve been collecting peoples thoughts on index cards. This video series shares more of that story and the thoughts gathered over the years.
Music covers: Some of my favorite bands are Super Time Pilot, Meg & Dia, System Of A Down, Eve 6, Green Day, & The Mountain Goats
[First Reality _]Podcast: A (mostly) biweekly podcast of the unabridged audiobook version of my comic fantasy/ parody _First Reality.
& other assorted stuff I felt like doing last week! Please subscribe, you know, if you’re into it.
About The Author
Ryan Starbloak is author to several books of varying genres, a Youtuber (having first appeared on the medium through Rob Potylo’s Quiet Desperation), and musician from Lynn, Massachusetts. He currently lives in New Orleans, Louisiana.
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Warning: Strong language and aspersions on pure belief. Sure, you've heard of Jesus's incredible life... well, some of it. But what happened to him after his crucifixion?