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I’m Still Growing

Part One:



By: Jessica Barnes SDG


Distributed by Shakespir


Copyright 2015 Jessica Barnes


As with Elijah


Bottled Up

Cinderella for Bubble Boy

Clothed in Righteousness

The Crack in My Heart

Glass House

Growing Backwards






Pep Talk

Pretty Dresses





Submit to God

Untitled (Originally written in the snow)


Where the Leaves Fall

As with Elijah

Inspired by 1 Kings 19:11-13

You are a good and gentle God.

You come in whispers,

Eager to show your face.

Yet careful not to crush us

With your overwhelming presence.

As waves in a tide you wash over us,

Carving away all blemishes

And then lulling our hearts

With warm blessings,

And fresh air.


We may not see you,

But you make your presence known

In the wind

In the earthquake

And in the fire.

But in the still small voice, you come.


You are always reaching for us

despite our doubts

Sinking and swelling below the surface.

Knowing the stones we cast

When we are a stone’s throw away

From being there ourselves,

You created us still.

You knew we would crumble but

You were already working

on the clay to mend,

Insisting we are yours

And we will rise again.




Inspired by Genesis 11:1-9

I built my dreams upon the Earth.

I wanted to meet you,

To see you,

To feel you.

For you to say

‘It’s okay,’

And to hold me close

Once again.


But my visions incarnate fell away.

I found myself within a vacuum.

I could not breathe.

I could not see.

The lights in the distance that

I so long yearned for

Blurred into nothingness.


Yet a celestial hand came

And brought me down to Earth

He laid His body out before me



And sanctified

And used it as a bridge to cross.


I found Him on the other side

With open arms

And open smile.

Warm hearts met

And He wiped my tears

For all my dreams

I cried so long for.

Then I smiled

Because my one true dream

Was fulfilled at last.



Bottled Up

A heart unsatisfied

Paces the floors tonight.

Closed doors

To keep out the noise

Of pent-up frustration.


This house is a bottle.

Feelings stuffed inside,

Shoved under the bed

For another night.


Oh the letters I’ve wrote,

Feelings to convey

That which could not be heard

In this weary state.


The morning sobers all things

Of the night’s aches and pains,

The scars,

The shame.


Forgiveness offered

With hesitation,

For nights to come

With no cessation.



Cinderella for Bubble Boy

I hate this thing inside of me -

This mental incapacity

I think but I cannot say.

I dream but I cannot do.

You sit there right in front of me.

Your smile is what sets me free.

Your eyes bring hope that won’t decay.

I want to say I love you.


You told me the other day

That you found someone

You want me to meet.


Who is it?

She takes my grunt as permission to proceed.

She brings in him.


Many times I wish to cry out.

Many times I wish to protest.

The preacher asks are there any objections.


I stand and say I do.

Yet I am here sitting to this day.

No words but grunts and awkward giggles.

No one hears me.



Clothed in Righteousness

What is this thread?

This string?

This cloth?

From the beginning you

Wove us to be beautiful.


Then we tore at your tapestry

Your beautiful design,

But nothing could ruin your work.

You kept weaving.


The mother clothed her child

In rainbows and dreams

His brothers sold his soul

And slaughter sheep

To hide their deed.


The fabric may be stained

By the sons of this Earth,

But what they mean for harm

You use for your good work.

You kept weaving.


Famine comes but you prevail.

This forgotten son stored the bail

Of wheat, the ransom

For the nation’s greed.

This torn dream

You use for good indeed!


Seasons pass,

And they forget

Raising up kings that

Thought naught to clothe its people

But the Father kept weaving


He sent the Lamb that covers all

The one that’s wool spun the Earth

And yet the earthly “king”

Clothed the Lamb

Only to crucify and condemn

The one who came

Not to condemn, but mend

The frayed threads

To its creator.


And the Lamb dyed crimson there

The stain of its sons

Dawn the new hue

For a Son of many Sons.

And the Son kept weaving.




The Crack in my Heart

I feel forgotten.

So many other things demand your attention

and I know it’s all for your good.

But I sit and wait patiently on this shelf

Hoping you’ll remember your promise.

I risk death to see you.

I understand the other things are important but

I just want you to miss me like I miss you.



Glass House

Glass House,

Glass Floor,

Iron Ceiling,

Melting Walls,

All the space in the world,

And no place to live



Growing Backwards

from Colored Ice

Will stopping clocks make time stand still,

If only for a while?

I want to see your laughter resound

for all the world to hear.

I want to feel the warmth of your smile.

I want you always to be near.




from Colored Ice

You think I’d be light

Like a cloud,

But this weight tethers me

To the ground.


I want to be where you are,

But I’m frozen here

Without your breath.

I feel my lungs shrivel up.


I lay down to sleep

Just for a little while.

Maybe I’ll remember

Or better, forget it all.




Inspired by Genesis 32:22-29

I know I have done wrong by my brother.

I know I have whittled this shell to dust.

Look at me,

This man, this cowering creature!

Awaiting the darkness to come


Take the love of my life:

My child, my wife,

My gold, my treasure

For I fear for my life -

Oh what have I become?


Even in the darkness,

I fight you.

I cannot rest until dawn.

There, you humble me -

Broken and crippled.

There I know I’ve seen God.




from Colored Ice

Energy gathers in my breast

When I see your face.

My stomach feels unsettled

My skin starts to sweat.

I can’t help the deep laughter

Booming from my lungs.

There is pain because

I want to see you

Yet we are so far apart.


I can’t take it anymore.

Heat surges through me

Illuminating the the lonely night.

I reach out for you

And our fingers touch.

Only for an instant

But fire consumes you.

I watch in horror from above

As you waste away.


Through the ashes

I watch you grow.

The distance gnaws at my soul,

Yet I remember in disgust

At what I am.


Swollen sadness

Leaks as I’m about to burst.

My laughter turns into a cry -

Outrage fuming from deep inside.




Shh Shh Just Listen

Can you hear the wave rolling over a distant land?

The patter of the forest creature,

Scattering amongst the fallen leaves,

The makings of the great I Am?




from Colored Ice

They say I lurk in the corners

And under your beds.

I whisper the thoughts

That run through your head,

But the stolen trinkets

Are your misplaced thoughts.

Your machinations

Are of your own twisted being.

So let me sleep here

Where the dusted hares lie

And remember that the monster

Is already inside.



Pep Talk

Take heed of your past

But do not let it define you.

Live your life with love and joy,

And let everything remind you

Of a future full of hope

Because you are found.



Pretty Dresses

Pretty beads everywhere

A dash of sparkles in their hair

The twinkle in each young girl’s eye

That can still be seen in each aged sigh


That feeling that you’re beautiful

A bestowed value upon their heads

A fallacy of persuasion

Spoken with nothing said


But the smile in each eye

And in the aged sigh


This value never questioned


Why don’t they know they know their inner value?



A love so powerful has bought them

When a bond so strong has kept them

Redemption is left

All ugliness has gone




The sky is falling!

The sky is falling!

Look Mama!

The sky is falling!


Oh Darling girl,

My darling girl,

The sky is weeping,

That is all.


The sky is weeping!

The sky is weeping!

Mama, why is the sky is weeping?


Oh Darling girl,

My darling girl,

The days are long and bitter.

And yet today,

It weeps to see

once more your darling smile




Her golden countenances glistens

As her mouth conveys a bird’s morning hymn.

She greets you and the world is well,

But inside you feel the tides swell

And rock her very core

For you know she’s bleeding.

You can see her limp.


But her eyes are ferocious.

They’d fight for your life in a heartbeat.

She’d see you smile if it cost her breath.

If only she’d turn that power for herself.


You want to hold her and her broken wing,

To see her fly again

But only she can choose to fly.


She waits in the cage.

You do not understand.

You are an outsider,

An onlooker,

Someone at the window

Who was blessed to hear her merry tune.




In Reference to “The cracked jar” by Paulo Coelho

Although the cracked jar cannot hold water,

many flowers bloom in its path.




I tread upon the earth with laughter.

Alas these fumbling legs

Mangled that which I

Solemnly tried to protect, yet

Owning up to my mistakes I feel

Rendered desolate, stomach twisted

Reeling with thoughts of remorse,

Yearning to be close again.



Submit to God

You have already chosen me

Why worry about my inadequacy?

You have already known me

Well before you paid for my work with your blood

You bought me for the highest price

when the world claimed my fate was already set in stone

I am your child

One you could never

Will never

Turn your back on.

You know my weaknesses

Like Moses,

my words fail me.

Like the kings,

I am prone to jealousy, greed, and pride.

Like the sons and daughters of Abraham,

I am prone to forget my Father

Like your disciples,

I fall asleep on the job.

Like Thomas,

I doubt your great works and your great love.

And yet,

despite this lack of faith,

You are faithful.

You have remembered me as your child

And redeemed the blood line and inheritance of humanity

by sacrificing your own.

You are a good good father.

And I am loved by you.



[]Untitled (Originally written in snow):

She is the snow of a new morn.

How dare I trample upon her.

And yet as I sit here writing,

I have tarnished her purity




When do I wake up

And join the life of the breathing?

I departed from the world I love to just be me.

In that, I thought I’d be set free,

But the creator created me for community,

To love one another in perfect unity.



Where the Leaves Fall

from Colored Ice

All life is a medium

Through which my art flows

But it passes quickly,

Shrivels, and dies in an instant.


I'm Still Growing

  • ISBN: 9781370725533
  • Author: Jessica Barnes
  • Published: 2016-12-13 06:50:12
  • Words: 1906
I'm Still Growing I'm Still Growing