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How Do You Get a Man to Commit? Give Him a Reason!: The Men's Commitment Formula

Tia Truthteller

How Do You Get a Man to Commit? Give Him a Reason!

The Men’s Commitment Formula

[_
p=. First published by Tia Truthteller in 2017

Copyright © Tia Truthteller, 2017

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise without written permission from the publisher. It is illegal to copy this book, post it to a website, or distribute it by any other means without permission.

First Edition

This book was professionally typeset on Reedsy_
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_]

Contents


  1. I. The Dating Arena
    1. Dating Today
    2. The Commitment Stairway
    3. The Commitment Formula
  2. II. Give Him a Reason to Upshift
    1. Beware Sex too Soon
    2. Slow your Roll: Build Relationships Measure by Measure
    3. Avoid “Saturation”
    4. Don’t Offer Constant Benefits he Hasn’t Earned
    5. Be Thoughtful about Living Together
  3. References

I

The Dating Arena

[_
p=. Dating has become so exhausting and uncertain that many marriage-minded women have given up hope. I strongly believe that those who prioritize their real life interactions, take the time to brush up on male psychology, keep realistic expectations and an open mind will have the winning edge!

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1

Dating Today

What’s going on with dating today? Commitment is in Code Red.

For the millennial woman who wants a meaningful relationship, times are tough. A generation ago, “taking things to the next level” meant getting engaged. Now it’s simply being an official girlfriend with a title.

Dating apps and websites have spoiled people for choice! If one doesn’t feel a connection pretty quickly, it’s on to the next. Daters ghost out of each other’s lives in search of excitement, variety and something better.

[_ bq. [*I call it fast food dating, and the gap between it and the deeper “slow food” relationships women crave has never been wider. *]

_]
p<>. Young women striving to live with class and grace are trying to stay positive while wondering: Don’t men want the same things we do? Will I ever find that worthy partner I can come home to? And why the heck should achieving a stable, long term relationship feel like trapping a wild animal?

In this mini ebook I’ll share what I call the “Men’s Commitment Formula” and how to use it to your best advantage so you’re more like likely to get what you want out of dating-a meaningful relationship with a quality guy.

I believe an understanding of basic male psychology can give you an edge. I’m going to share some home truths to give you a fresh perspective on how men view women and commitment.

Who is Tia Truthteller?

I’m a wife and mom, and I love to study the dynamics of relationships:what makes people come together and stay together. I’m not a dating coach or a celebrity—your typical relationship book author—but we all know they aren’t the only ones with great information to share and stories to tell. No, I don’t make dating “rules,” but I share my relationship opinions, my “truths” that I’ve learned along the way.

My mission is to pass this information on to help marriage-minded young women realize their goal. Because even though dating today seems like the lawless Wild West, young women do have many sources of power within them they can tap into as they navigate through to find a partner.

My passion is sisterhood and women helping women. It’s in that spirit that I’ve collected and share my truths…what I wish I’d known back then. Sit back and enjoy.

2

The Commitment Stairway

When I talk about “taking a relationship to the next level”, I see it as a progression up what I call the “Commitment Stairway”. The friend zone is at the base, then if a romantic relationship develops and deepens, you can become a girlfriend, fiancée and finally a wife. The process of rising from one level to the next is what I call an “upshift”.

These intermediate relationship levels and titles matter

Commitment 101 (at least my version) teaches that someone who is unable to commit to the little things is not ready or able to commit to the bigger ones. If you want to eventually be a wife, you’re not going to have a future with someone who won’t claim you and call you his girlfriend. In public. Refusal to give relationships proper labels is just a way to keep one’s options open with a clear conscience.

[_ bq. [*Refusal to give relationships proper labels is just a way to keep one’s options open with a clear conscience. *]

_]
p<>. It’s important to understand that now, more than ever, people have varying ideas about what actually constitutes a relationship; whether it’s cool to see other people if you’re not exclusive, and even if seeing each other exclusively implies you’re girlfriend and boyfriend.

Now I know some of you think the terms “girlfriend” and “boyfriend” sound juvenile, but I’m using them here because there’s no doubt about what they mean. In any case…

Clear communication is a must!

It starts with Defining the Relationship (DTR) talk which ensures you both know and agree you’re in an intentional, real relationship. Because in today’s commitment-phobic dating climate you’ve got to have conversations to verify whether that what you see as a relationship milestone, he sees as one too.

You may double date with other couples. You may spend all your free time together, at his place or yours. However, in the Land of Men, you may look like a girlfriend, act like a girlfriend and (worst of all) consider yourself a girlfriend, but in his mind you may simply be two consenting adults enjoying each others’ company, no strings attached. It’s all good, right? [_
bq. [*One of my a-ha moments came when I discovered that to men, it’s not “wasting your time” if you were both having fun. *]

_]
p<>. This is the reason why the “I’ll show him how nice and chill I can be till he comes round method” backfires while your self-esteem takes a beating. Neglecting the DTR talk can also leave you in a place of awful, self-doubting uncertainty. It’s bad enough experiencing feelings of jealousy or disrespect without having to figure out if you’re justified or over-reacting! Defining our relationships defines our roles. Defining our roles means a better understanding of our boundaries and less hurt feelings. And I wouldn’t be doing you a favor if I left out the honest truth: if he’s not willing to put a title on it, either he’s just not that into you or he’s not afraid of losing you.

3

The Commitment Formula

Now we understand the levels of commitment, let’s talk about the forces that move men up the stairs. It’s important you understand that relationships won’t always progress to the next level of commitment. Here’s how I look at it.

The Men’s Commitment Formula

In order to rise to the next level on the Commitment Stairway, you need:

  1. An emotionally available man
  2. A woman he perceives as valuable
  3. The right timing and
  4. A reason to upshift.

Let’s go over these factors one by one.

Factor #1: Emotionally Available Men

Emotionally available men are guys who aren’t necessarily looking for, but are open to the possibility of a relationship. You discover them through the process of deduction…by weeding out the ones who tell you through their words or actions that they just aren’t someone you can build anything with. It’s a process of deduction that involves watching for clues. Most men will give you verbal and nonverbal information about this but _(and this is a big but):[*[ _]you’ve got to be open to receive it, even if it’s not what you wanted to hear. *]

Common Signs He’s Emotionally Unavailable

  • He tells you he wants to keep things casual
  • He tells you monogamy isn’t realistic
  • He tells you he just got out of a relationship
  • When you ask him when he last had a girlfriend, he says he doesn’t like “labels”
  • He says he doesn’t understand the appeal of marriage or even being accountable to a partner

[*Run *]if you see any of these at the start. Not because he’s a bad guy necessarily, but because these are clear signals he’s not looking for anything deep. Keep hanging around him and he could find his way into your heart through the back door-a recipe for heartbreak. Truth be told, many men say these things as a form of “dating full disclosure”; a way of being honest. As far as they’re concerned, they’ve given to you straight. Should you choose to continue, you do so at your own risk.

You might come across the following traits later, which could overlap with “Signs He Might Be Someone Else’s Man”

  • When you call him he usually texts back (assuming you’re not blowing up his phone)
  • He’s always making excuses about why he can’t see you in person
  • You can’t depend on him to do what he says he will
  • You’ve never been to his place
  • He doesn’t care to meet your closest friends or family and doesn’t intentionally introduce you to his
  • He makes vague plans with you that never actually come to pass
  • He seeks you out mainly for sex or texts you after hours
  • He avoids conversations with you about a shared future

You probably have some of your own to add.

Why do we gloss over these signs?

We can list the clues all day long, but the real problem is, what keeps us from heeding them? I’m calling out three culprits:

[*Inexperience. *]You want to take him at his word. You don’t know what these things really mean till you find out, probably in a painful way.

Optimism. Maybe you do hear him when he’s saying he’s not looking for a relationship, but this smells like a challenge and you want in!

Amazing chemistry. Those pheromones can have you so strung out, you don’t want red flags messing with your vibe.

There are lots of other reasons too that psychologists can tell you all about- self perception issues, daddy issues, even being emotionally unavailable yourself. If you’ve got a pattern of being consistently caught up with these types of men, then invest in some self-help, therapy or counseling to break the cycle.

Factor #2: A Valuable (in his mind) Woman

Like beauty, value is in the eye of the beholder.

Everyone’s got a mental checklist of qualities they want in a mate. What one man especially cherishes may not be as important to the next man. Same with his dealbreakers. His vision of the ideal woman may evolve with his maturity and stage in life. Yours probably will too.

The more of these qualities she has that he values, the more valuable she is to him. When a guy comes across a woman who ticks off more of his boxes than most, he takes note. He’s excited at the discovery; he’s into her! Because for a man to commit and cut off other options, besides being open to monogamy, he’s got to feel: “This is it. Call off the search. I can’t do better”. (Not that he’s necessarily searching, but you get the picture).

You Can’t Make him Value You

You are a total package of assets, flaws, skills, and worldview. If there’s a type of guy you particularly desire for marriage, understand you can tailor yourself to him only to a point—the surface stuff, like learning more about his interests or how to fix his favorite foods.

Other variables are out of your hands, like having a petite stature or being a certain race. Don’t lose the essence of yourself trying to mold yourself to him or endlessly please him hoping he’ll commit. If it’s that hard, if you’re twisting yourself into a pretzel to fit him, he’s not the one for you. There’s no way you’ll be able to keep that up, and after a while you won’t want to. You’ll be mad, repressed and you’ll start hating his guts. Just…no.

But You Can (and should) Approach the Dating Arena as a Woman of Substance

First impressions are everything, so make yours count. Here are some ways to come across as the high quality woman you are:

  • Appear emotionally secure & confident, without unnecessary arrogance. Even the slightest of smiles on your face makes you look at ease with yourself, no matter what’s going on inside you.
  • Beware of dishing TMI or belittling yourself. Your family dysfunction, your psycho ex , your struggles with your weight-these are all off limits. We women may bond over such tales but to a guy still sizing up your worth without the benefit of a track record with you, these factoids tend to carry more negative weight than they should. You don’t want him wondering, “why does she attract losers?” or “if her own mom is so messed up, how different could she be?”
  • Flirt with finesse. Come in close to talk. Offhandedly touch his hand or shoulder while speaking. Keep the banter playful. Flirting signals confidence and approachability. That’s exactly what you want! Just keep it classy. In the dating world you’re judged by the way you present yourself. Leading with sex/sexting will definitely get you attention, but will it strengthen your emotional connection?
  • Date like you have options. For example, you discover you’re both into craft beers. When he doesn’t respond to your text about going on a local microbrewery tour, you make other plans and move on with your life, previously in progress. This is because you have options. If he pops up at the last minute asking if you’re still on for the tour, you sweetly let him know you made other plans but counteroffer another date so he doesn’t think he’s being blown off.
  • Learn to manage your emotions, keeping down the drama and pettiness. This applies both to real life and your social media pages which is where many people actually develop their first impressions about you.
  • Demonstrate self respect and maintain healthy boundaries, even at the expense of losing him. Your standards-the fact that you have them and stick to them will earn his respect, [_even if he doesn’t like them. _]

Factor #3: The Right Timing

Relationships are like gardens. They need to be tended to in order to flourish and thrive. Now, depending on whatever else he’s got going on in his life, a guy may not be ready to to do the emotional work of tending to a bonafide relationship. If he doesn’t feel he’s got his career in a good place, he probably won’t be thinking about settling down. If he’s still nursing a bruised ego or wounded heart after a failed relationship, he’s also not likely to be looking for anything serious. I’ve heard men say their hearts actually take longer to heal than ours!

If he’s still sowing his wild oats and digging the singles scene, if none of his close friends have taken the plunge yet, settling down may not be on his radar either.

[*Timing is important, but it’s out of our control. *]

And ultimatums? Proposing yourself? “Falling” pregnant?

I don’t recommend them. They can snag you a guy whose heart really isn’t in it. A man wants to feel like the captain of his destiny, not like he’s being dragged by the ear into it. In love and life, the only person you have control of is yourself.

[_ bq. [* Step into your power and woman up! Don’t beg or force a man for commitment. Let him know you want it, show him why it’s a good idea, then give him space and time-within limits. *]

_]
p<>. (More on limits later)

Understanding what makes men commit can help you learn when to back away instead of trying harder. If he sees you as a woman of value, and you like him back, then the ball is in your court. Now, give him a reason to upshift!

II

Give Him a Reason to Upshift

[_
p=. I don’t believe in begging or forcing men-just show them why it’s a good idea, within a time limit you set.

These tips are multitaskers. They will give him an incentive to upshift, keep your relationship from feeling stale and they’ll help protect your heart and as you open it up looking for love!

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4

Beware Sex too Soon

The Effect of Sex on your Budding Relationship

You’re body is your business but you need to be aware that both the relationship dynamic and your perspective will probably shift once sex is introduced. There’s two sorts of connections you can have with a man-emotional and physical. While the physical one can keep him coming around, it’s the emotional one that inspires him to upshift to the next level of commitment.

A sexual bond doesn’t have to lead to an emotional one

If you don't possess enough of the traits he considers valuable, then having sex before establishing an emotional connection can anchor your relationship in the physical. It can make him see you as a great girl- for fun. Not impossible though, if he thinks of you as A Woman of Value to him (see The Men's Commitment Formula above).

The Effect of Sex on a Woman’s Emotions

Science shows that sex floods the female brain with oxytocin-also called the “bonding” hormone. It makes us want to stay close. It fuels our desire for more, and for a relationship. It also slots rose-colored glasses over our eyes that obscure all sorts of red flags. You don’t want anything getting in the way of the good vibes you’re getting.

[_ bq. [* For men, sex doesn’t necessarily awaken their urge for anything more than more sex- particularly when he hasn’t (yet) found you to be a woman of value. *]

_]
p<>. This unbalanced situation manifests in you as insecurity, neediness and desperation. YUCK! This isn’t empowering for you or attractive to him. With this in mind, it makes sense to try and build an emotional connection before becoming physically intimate. Sex is a Point of No Return in relationships.

You are Responsible for Setting your Limits

In the meantime, take responsibility for defining and defending your boundaries. Don’t be a tease or allow yourself to get into compromising situations where you depend on him to apply the brakes. The likelihood he’ll want sex is high. The likelihood he wants anything deeper is much lower when he’s just met you. What I’m saying is his interests and yours are different, so you’ve got to rely on your judgement, not his!

Moving from the Friend Zone

If you find your relationship developing and deepening, after a while it’s logical to talk about when to take down any online dating profiles or whether you both think it’s still cool to date other people. This gives you a good segue into the Defining the Relationship talk. Research by John T. Molloy, author of “Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others” has found that generally speaking, women see themselves as dating after 2 to 3 dates while it takes men 4 to 6. They are slower to pull in their net and stop looking. Whatever the case, my personal belief is after 3 months, he ought to know what he wants from you, and you should sense if he’s into you enough to give you what you want from him.

h2<.

5

Slow your Roll: Build Relationships Measure by Measure

The excitement that comes with a new relationship-or even the possibility of one-is sweet and heady. Could it be your innermost wish coming true?

It might. Then again, it might not. Only time will tell, and time you must give.

The Trap of Too Much Too Soon

As women, our relationships with others are always on our minds. We’re prone to what I call “FutureThinking”. This is where our minds fast forward through the dating phase and imagine what it would feel like to be “Mrs. X”. Before you know it, we’ve got a movie trailer of our future married life running through our heads. It’s based on the rom-com films we love that climax in a charming wedding reception as the credits roll. I call it our Happy Ending Movie* *]

It’s natural to “FutureThink” about a guy to test the fit

But no matter what’s going on in your head, you’ve got to pace yourself in real life.

You might be tempted to tease his existence on your social media. Or bombard him with texts throughout the day to check in. Or leave things at his house if you stay over.

These sound like sweet innocent gestures that draw us closer. Sure, in bonafide relationships. But for an emotionally uninvested man still making up his mind about you, these can make him suspicious and uncomfortable. It’s just too much. Remember those 4 to 6 dates? He’s going to need space and time to decide if this what he really wants.

[*True Story: *]Two weeks after meeting Shayna, Chad leaves on a deer hunting weekend with his friends. Shayna, bummed that he won’t be around, decides it would be a sweet gesture to send a care package of baked goodies to his room at the wilderness resort. As he opens it, the smile slides off his face. Alarms go off in his head as he senses clear and present danger.

[_ bq. What’s the big deal? Doesn’t he like cookies? Is he deadly allergic to walnut brownies? No. The problem is he feels he’s being chased, caught and brought to slaughter-just like the deer he came for. He never texted her again or made contact when he came back to town.

_]
p<>. This was a definite case of “too much too soon”. Here’s what I’ve found to be true with men: [_
bq. *If you give too much, too soon or without equal effort from them first, they assume you must be needy or desperate…not really a prize. *

_]
p<>. Remember, your heart is a prize meant to be earned by his effort.

It’s not playing hard to get!

Now, I don’t mean this to sound like you should become aloof and distant or make things unnecessarily difficult -if you like him, it should be clear to him. Have a positive and fun attitude when you’re together. If he reaches out to you and you are interested, definitely let him know. If he suggests getting together and you can’t make it, make your genuine interest clear! Offer an alternate date right then and there so he knows you’re not trying to blow him off.

Tips for Pacing Yourself

Keep your Interactions Balanced

Follow his lead and see it like a tennis match. If he serves up a text you, return it with one of yours. He calls, same thing. You’re not ignoring him, you’re not playing games. This isn’t playing hard to get. This is just responding to his effort. And his effort level is a measure of his interest and availability. Pace yourself till he puts the effort in and then respond in proportion. An emotional attachment may or may not develop, but if it does, then and only then does he become invested and become a man you can truthfully say you’re in a two-sided relationship with.

Keep talking to other guys, even if you find you’re clicking with one.

Talking to Mr. B gives your mind other things to think about, boosts your confidence and increases your social ease. I also think it helps raise your threshold for tolerating bad behavior. It definitely tempers the disappointment you feel if and when it becomes clear you and Mr. A aren’t going to work out.

Guard your Brainspace

Now that we’re always plugged into our smartphones, streams of information are being mainlined into our brains 24/7. We gals are all about the details and social media pages serve them up hot and juicy! But did you know the internet leaves cookies in your brain, not just your hard drive? Bombarding your head with too much trivia about a man, especially one not committed to you can artificially inflate his importance and relevance in your life. I call it Inappropriate Brain Preoccupation-IBP- and at its most extreme, you’d call it obsession.

Basically, he’s all you can think about. Kept captive in your skull, your spongy brain soaks up a marinade of information and facts about a man and loses its sense of perspective. It’s just too much fodder for our FutureThink!

“Measure by measure” should be your motto when you are tempted to lavish a man you’re just getting to know with time, care and attention and affection…all the things you’ve been dreaming for a relationship to do.

[_ bq. [*Build your relationships measure by measure in proportion to the emotional effort a guy[+ ][+actually puts in], not based on what you feel your relationship has the potential to be. *]

_]
p.

6

Avoid “Saturation”

“I like this so much, I want more. I want to take this to the next level.”

That’s how we feel before an upshift. This is why dating coaches say the best way to make him want more is to leave him wanting more. Saturated men are less likely to feel the need to upshift.

Overtexting can Suppress his Desire to Actually meet You in Real Life

Did you know you can saturate a guy before you ever meet? Many millennials communicate primarily by text which makes communication effortless. But even if you’re hitting it off, I don’t recommend going deep back and forth for hours by text-textathons-especially when you haven’t yet met in person. I know it’s thrilling to learn more about your crush, but you’ve got to look at the long game. A high frequency of communication can eat away at the sense of novelty that surrounds you and this sense of novelty is something you’ll only have in the beginning. Have a phone call and figure out if there’s enough interest on both sides to warrant a meet up. Then cut down on the texting till then. You want him to actually feel the urge to take it offline in order to learn more. What’s that girl up to? Is he missing out? Should he check in with her?He’ll never get the chance to wonder if you’re the one always checking in.

Textathons can also repel a guy if he gets the impression you’re the kind of woman who needs his contact all through the day to feel good. Don’t give him the chance to label you as needy and clingy .

Structuring your Life Around Him can Saturate him Quicker

There’s a tendency for us to totally immerse ourselves in the deliciousness of a new, exciting relationship. All we want to do is cocoon with our crush. That’s normal, but you need to try and keep your life balanced.

Resist the urge to “cornerstone”: [_
bq. Cornerstoning (verb.)

When someone builds their entire life around a romantic partner, blowing off friends and activities outside that person. Leads to relationship dependency and stagnation.

_]
p<>. Yes, it takes self control to leave a guy you like wanting more, but being together 24/7 can work against you. Boredom and loss of enchantment is one of the reasons men fade away after a few months-they get saturated with you faster. Generally speaking, men have a strong need for their space and may find it hard to express this without offending you. So they don’t speak up but feel smothered and unhappy.

Have a Gracious Attitude as He Goes about Living his Life.

Unlike some women, who are ready to drop everything they used to enjoy when they meet a guy, most men want to date you and still live their life, already in progress. This is actually healthy and what we should all aim to do. So if he meets a woman he’s really into who doesn’t pout when he goes off with his boys for hours on the golf course? Her easygoing attitude gives her bonus points. She gets that there are other things that matter in his life. If your mom shows your brother love, does it mean she doesn’t like you anymore?

And Keep Up With Yours!

My suggestion is to make it clear you really like him but once he does invite you deeper into his life, don’t make him your whole life, just add him into yours. Don’t go stagnant and desert your hobbies. Keep going out with your friends! Enroll in that class that will take up your evenings. Go on that trip. These give him a chance to experience life without you-to miss you. It’s Romantic Comedy 101-doesn’t the guy realize how much he wants the woman in his life after he’s felt her absence? A chance to miss you isn’t bad-it’s fantastic!

It’s your absence that reinforces your place in his life

Plus, it gives you a lot more interesting things to talk about when you do get together.

The bottom line is, you’ve both got to maintain your life, keep up your friends and have a life outside of each other. Give him a reason to want to make the next level of commitment with you-to upshift so he’ll be a part of that life.

7

Don’t Offer Constant Benefits he Hasn’t Earned

While there’s an epidemic of men unwilling to put a title on things, there’s also no shortage of women who aren’t official girlfriends taking up girlfriend duties for open ended periods of time. No pressure, just going with the flow in a state of “chill”. She hopes one day he’ll realize what he has in her. If he samples long enough, he might eventually be moved to “buy”.

But how long is she going to give him?

Remember how I explained the need for us to pace ourselves to allow men the space and time to decide what they want? Well, it’s your job to put a limit on that time. Dating is like sampling. Sure, stores give you free samples. But would they ever really sell anything if samples were unlimited? [_
bq. Even if a man loves you, he may not see the need to upshift the relationship if he’s content or already getting everything he wants.

_]
p<>. This applies at every level of the Commitment Stairway, but let’s talk about simply getting into the Girlfriend zone. The way a commitment-phobic man sees it, if a girl he likes has closed herself off to other dating options without a higher level of commitment from him, then does he really need to upshift and claim her as his “girlfriend”? Plus, he sees himself as free to explore his options, because, hey, “we never discussed being in a committed relationship”.

If you’re in a title free situation-a “situationship”-acting like a girlfriend, then don’t let that state of affairs drag on too long. If he’s just not that into you, you can spend months showing him how nice, understanding and dedicated you can be, only to have him drop you like a hot potato when he meets someone he likes more. You are not a placeholder!

I believe three months of this is plenty of time for him to know if he’s ready to come to the boyfriend plate. And if he is, you won’t have to wonder. He’ll be enthusiastic and make it clear. He won’t want to share or lose you.

Now let's be clear here- I'm talking about defining the relationship and becoming exclusive. I'm not suggesting that after 3 months he ought to know if you have a long term future together.

Remember the value traits we spoke of earlier? The more of these traits you possess that he values, the more likely he’ll be to commit…IF he understands that’s what he must do to have your AND if the timing is right.

If you settle for less than what you want, you’ll never know what you could have had.

Don’t be afraid to cut things off: The Shoe in the Window

You know how you go shoe shopping and try on a great pair of heels but don’t get them because they cost more than you’re prepared to spend? Then you go home and can’t stop thinking about how good they looked on you? You figure out ways to justify the purchase. You think about the joy they’ll bring and how they’ll set off that killer outfit you already have. If they were that good, honey, soon enough you’ll find your way back to the store praying no one’s snagged them yet. What just happened? [_
bq. *Experiencing life without those shoes gave you the time and space to prepare yourself to spend. *

  • *

_]
p=. The “spend” has been justified in your mind

It’s the same with guys. If it’s not immediately clear the value you bring to his life, the very absence of you in it can clarify things for him and give him time to decide if he’s willing to step up to the plate. This is why, this is why, this is why, sometimes you have to override your emotions and pull away sometimes. This is what you do when he’s on the fence. I call it a major downshift, you may know it as “no contact”. They’re all backed by the same reasoning. This is a power move and can’t be successfully executed if you’re in a state of neediness or desperation where you’re likely to cave in. Sometimes I think the mini-heartbreaks we go through are necessary to build us up to where we’re so fed up, we get the strength to do it right.

Basically, the process goes like this:

1. Explain your heartfelt desire for a deeper level of commitment and ask for his thoughts.

2. Accept any non-YES! answer for what it is (you’re not on the same page). It is what it is. A firm “no” definitely is your cue to start envisioning a future without him. If it’s more of a timing thing, then decide how much more time you’re prepared to invest in the relationship before moving on. Keep it to yourself, but act on the deadline when it rolls round.

And note well: [_
bq. If a downshift doesn’t end up the way you want it and yet you proceed with the relationship, you have lost leverage and must accept the status quo.

_]
p<>. Consider yourself once more a free agent. It’s on you to scale back so he can truly experience your absence and feel the void. He has to feel the Lack of You in his life! You’re the great shoe. The vacuum, the empty space, the absence of you in his life is what will help cut through his uncertainty and decide if he’s ready to step up to the relationship plate or the next level of commitment, once you’ve put in the time.

8

Be Thoughtful about Living Together

On the next level up, many live-in girlfriends remain in wife-like roles for years. They could be offering up all the benefits of a wife a man who essentially has no motivation to get married, officially lose his freedom and risk losing half in a divorce!

Even if he is faithful and the freedom is just in his head, the simple knowledge he’s free to leave anytime gives him peace of mind.

Many people feel it’s important to see if you can live together before making the biggest of commitments-marriage. Many women see it as proof of relationship progression.

“We’re on track to marriage!”

Not so fast.

Moving in together does not necessarily put you on the marriage track.

It’s not a marriage test drive unless both of you agree it is.

Talk about what moving in together accomplishes for you both…a means or an end?

Please understand to a man, moving in means a certain limitation of freedom, and probably an exclusive relationship, but not necessarily imminent marriage.

He could have lot of reasons to do it:

  • It could be because it’s convenient since you’re already together so much
  • or because it would help save money
  • or because he thinks it’s what you want and it’ll help him buy more time with you
  • because he can ditch the condoms and hopefully enjoy the benefits of having a woman’s touch in his home
  • or (God forbid!) what if your man believes in soulmates but you’re not his? You could be part of a comfortable live-in holding pattern for him till he meets someone he likes more.

Studies have shown that never-married men who have already lived with a woman are less likely to marry another woman they move in with, so keep that in mind.

Research also shows that women who were not engaged before moving in together are less likely to marry that partner and those who do, go on to experience greater marital instability than their counterparts who were engaged at the start of cohabitation. This indicates how important it is to explore each other’s motives and feelings of commitment before moving in.

So, before you go off celebrating with your BFF because he suggests you share a place, simply ask: “So why do you want us to move in together?”. If you don’t know his views on marriage in general and a possible future with you in particular, your conversations haven’t gone deep enough.

[_ bq. [*Girls, don’t squander this natural and logical opportunity to talk about your future! *]

_]
p<>. Lives are about to be co-mingled under a single roof for who knows how long. You need to actually have a conversation to make sure you are on the same page about what moving in really means to both of you, and how long you feel this phase (and yes, if you’re marriage-minded it is only a phase) should last. If you discover you aren’t in agreement on this, then accept his answer for the good information it is and stay put where you are.

And no matter what, maintain separate residences if:

  • You don’t trust each other
  • Communication with each other is difficult
  • You already fight a lot
  • One of you is legally married to someone else
  • You’ve been a couple less than 6 months
  • There is emotional or physical abuse
  • One of you has serious mental health or addiction issues

So there you have it-Tia’s Top 5 Ways to give him a reason to move your relationship to the next level. If your emotional connection is strong enough and if there is actually a need to upshift the relationship in order to get more benefits, then he’s much more likely to.

In closing, I wish you much dating success-the confidence to stand up for the future you want and the discernment to spend your time and love on those who show they truly care. Not every relationship will be worth upshifting. And remember, ladies: understanding men is not playing games!

Click here for a free illustrated summary of “How Do You Get a Man to Commit?” or visit http://www.tiatruthteller.com/give-him-a-reason-to-commit.

If you enjoyed this mini ebook, please take a moment to leave a short review on Amazon. This mini ebook is based on chapter 8 of Tia Truthteller’s book Dating on Purpose- a Guide to Intentional Dating for Commitment Conscious Millennials on sale soon.

References

Sheena S. Iyengar, Mark R. Lepper. 2000. “When Choice is Demotivating: Can One Desire Too Much of a Good Thing?” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol. 79, No. 6, 995-1006

John T. Molloy, 2004. Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others: The Fascinating Research That Can Land You the Husband of Your Dreams

Busby D.M., Carroll J.S., Willoughby B.J. 2010. “Compatibility or restraint? The effects of sexual timing on marriage relationships.” Journal of Family Psychology. Vol 24(6), 766-774

Sharon Sassler, Fenaba Addo, and Daniel T. Lichter. 2012. “The Tempo of Sexual Activity and Later Relationship Quality.” Journal of Marriage and Family, 74, 708-725.

Wendy D. Manning and Jessica A. Cohen. 2011. “Cohabitation and Marital Dissolution: The Significance of Marriage Cohort” Journal of Marriage and Family 74(1): 377-387.


How Do You Get a Man to Commit? Give Him a Reason!: The Men's Commitment Formula

Commitment is a dying concept. Today’s dating culture has been plagued by an epidemic of ambiguous "situationships" that have saddled many modern women with nagging insecurities and self doubt. We can’t wait on men to fix it because we women are the ones hurting! The mission of this mini ebook is to arm young women with the information they need to get the quality relationship you dearly desire. Learn what I call the “Men's Commitment Formula” and how to use it to your best advantage so you're more like likely to get what you want out of dating-a man who values and cherishes you, ready to take it to the next level, whether that's girlfriend, fiancée or wife. Sometimes it's easier to apply dating advice when you understand why it matters. This book breaks down the rationale behind some classic dating strategies for women and explains why they work and why it's not playing games-it's simply understanding men! Get the edge you need to take your relationship to the next level. In this book you'll learn: *How to show up as a Woman of Substance *Why being the nicest and "chillest" of them all may not get you the commitment you dearly want *The 3 things that cause us to gloss over signs of emotional unavailability *Why relationship titles matter, no matter what anyone says *The difference between a physical and an emotional connection between a man and woman *The 4 factors a man needs to take a relationship to the next level *The Commitment Formula Ingredients you can provide-and the ones you can't *The talk you need to have to avoid walking onto a relationship treadmill that goes nowhere *Why FutureThinking though normal, must be contained. Tia Truthteller: I speak to the young woman who relishes her feminine strength and isn't opposed to learning about the way men think. The young woman who strives to live with a sense of dignity, class and grace. I want to embolden marriage-minded millennial women to stand in their truth and step into their power. Connect with me at www.tiatruthteller.com today!

  • Author: Tia Truthteller
  • Published: 2017-02-27 01:20:12
  • Words: 6702
How Do You Get a Man to Commit? Give Him a Reason!: The Men's Commitment Formula How Do You Get a Man to Commit? Give Him a Reason!: The Men's Commitment Formula