Gallivanting in Thailand: An idiot’s journal
Published by Jenna Wimshurst at Shakespir
Copyright 2017 Jenna Wimshurst
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After a long ass journey that consisted of a 5 minute Uber ride, a 16 minute train ride, a 6 & ½ hour flight, a 2 hour wait and another 6 ½ hour flight we finally arrived in the land of the Thais. We had a 2 hour stopover in Dubai, a country I have never wanted or expected to go to. Dubai airport; full of gold, marble, rich Arabs, rich white people and loads of poorer people waiting for their connecting flight.
Waiting in the passport queue at Phuket international airport we saw signs on every passport desk that read: “Disrespect Buddha is against the law. To get tattoo of Buddha shows no respect and wrong.” Bollocks, there goes my awesome buddha in an Om tattoo design.
Since moving to Croydon I’ve realised that drivers on the road are mental, but then I took the hour-long taxi ride from the airport to our hotel. Holy mother it was extreme, the driver occasionally used his hand break to help him stop because he was going too fast. The cars and millions of motorbikes/scooters weaved in and out of the traffic with immense speed and the people on the bikes carried as much as they physically could; chairs, weekly shopping, small children and elderly relatives. Why get a car when you can fit the entirety of your family and life’s possessions on the back of a moped?
Image: Typical Thai family enjoying a trip to the shops on their moped.
Unfortunately our hotel had been changed a month before we were due to go to Thailand due to “emergency renovations”, however the new hotel seemed to be in a good location, even if the pool did look a bit shite. The receptionist greeted us with a big smile and a question: “Do you know there is just one bed? It’s two beds pushed together but we can separate them.” No it’s fine, we told her, couldn’t she tell that we were big fat lesbians? Perhaps lesbians look different in Thailand, (they don’t, they’re just a lot thinner and wear less polo shirts).
Finally we checked into our room, which was huge, the two beds pushed together were in fact two king size beds. In fact the bed was so big that I had to call Suz on her mobile when I wanted to wish her goodnight. After a three hour nap we changed into our cossies and went to the beach. With the gorgeous sand between our toes and sun on our faces we ran into the warm water. Five minutes later we ran back out after being stung by lots of “tiny microscopic invisible jellyfish”. I pulled my arm up and a web-like string came with it, the stings were sharp and produced rashes all over my body.
After some Googling we learnt that these jellyfish are associated only with Karon beach so hopefully we wouldn’t find any when we went to Patong or Phi Phi island. Oh, except for the box jellyfish, they can be anywhere and will easily kill you, but those little jellyfish, they’re are just in Karon. Excellent.
In the evening we went for a walk and we came across a couple, they asked us for the time and as soon as Suz answered the woman asked, ‘are you from Scotland?’ After establishing that they too were from Scotland and that I was from England (‘ignore her she’s from England’ Suz playfully tells people), the couple told us which restaurants were good, what places to visit and what to do while we were here. The woman looked and acted a lot like Suz’s mum, oh Christ she’s followed us here!
Tailors, clothes shops, bars and a few grocery shops line the main street in Karon. We explored these shops in the morning and got ripped off by the locals after they learnt (from the lack of tan on our pasty white skin) that we’d only just arrived and were unaware of how cheap the clothes should be. We bought two tops and two yoga like trousers from one woman for 1,650 baht/£38. That still hurts.
In the evening we jumped into a tuk tuk and made our way to Patong for a night out, bloody hell the tuk tuks are fun; loud music and a weak engine meant that the very hilly ride to Patong was exciting/terrifying. Is there a gear lower than 1st? Apparently not.
Image: Two idiots in a tuk tuk.
We told the driver to drop us off where the drinking happens, he said it was too early for that so he dropped us off at the place where the eating happens. Too early? I know I’m not 18 anymore but 9pm is not early. Anyway we ate dinner before walking around where the girls in the bars would wave and shout hello at you as you passed. Gosh isn’t everyone friendly? We started our drinking in an Aussie bar because it had a pool table and a Thai woman came to play as well which I thought was a) great because I was shite and didn’t want to play anymore and b) very friendly of her.
Once we’d finished playing pool she then brought out a Connect 4 from behind the bar. It finally clicked; she was being paid to play with us so that we’d buy more drinks. She asked if Suz and I were friends and we told her that we were partners, she laughed. She also told us that she’d never seen snow, so really she’s the funny one.
After we eventually escaped the overly friendly Aussie bar we walked down to the famous Bangla road that everyone kept talking about. It was like Magaluf in Thailand but without the annoying British teenagers. People were everywhere, there were dancers and acrobatics outside the bars, there was a man on a chin pull up bar with a sign next to him that said “2 minute chin pull up = free Whiskey. 200 Baht per attempt”. The whiskey only cost 220 baht.
In between the crowds hundreds of Thai men and women held cards with a menu on:
Ping pong show
These people thrust the menu in your face inviting you to a show, one woman even looked at Suz and I and pointed out that there was a lesbian show. Excellent, we love nothing more than two straight Thai women having lesbian sex for a group of intrigued tourist. Really gets us going.
With a few drinks down us we made our way to what we were told was the gay district, Paradise Soi. Yay finally we can be around our people! Except it turned out that the gay district was, like most gay districts around the world, full of men. And topless men at that.
As we sat outside a bar enjoying a drink a drunken Thai man came up to us, he kneeled in front of Suz and started yelping. He encouraged Suz to do it too, louder and higher, he said to Suz, she tried to copy him, it was a very confusing few seconds. He then got up and got us a Tequila shot each for our attempt. What the fuck just happened? Was he being paid by the bar to give people free shots of Tequila in return for yelping?
In the bar opposite us a series of very beautiful topless men were pulling people into see the “Boy Show” that was just about to start. A boy show! That’ll be great, I thought, but Jenna you’re gay? I am but I thought it would be nice to see men objectified for a change. Besides, men dancing naked is funny, women dancing naked makes me question my allegiance to the feminist movement.
Entering the bar we saw two larger white gay men on a sofa with a small Thai man in the middle of them, four nearly naked dancers erotically dancing onstage and one guy at the front looking bored on his phone. After a terrible drag act, (why do gays like drag acts? I can’t stand them, when Suz watches Rupaul’s Drag Race I have to leave the room), a guy with a huge penis wrapped in a condom came dancing on stage. Another guy wearing pants joined him, the penis guy pulled down the other’s pants a little bit and put his peanut into the other guy’s bum, they changed position, swiveled upside down and pretended to have bum sex. Suz says they were actually having the bum sex but I disagree, there was a protruding lump at the bottom of the guy’s pants which I think was the other guy’s huge dong.
After the pretend/real sex a guy with a hard-on and tiny pants came on and did some very sexy dancing, he rubbed lotion on his skin (insert Hannibal Lecture slurp) before walking into the audience and getting people to rub the lotion on his body. I’ve never felt a body that muscly and that beautifully sculpted, he was like a God, with a massive hard on. ‘Babe give him a tip he’s got his cock out,’ Suz said to me as a guy holding his cock and a bowl of money walked towards us.
At the end of the show all of the boys come on stage with numbers pinned to their pants, they danced on the spot and rotated around the different stages in the room. We asked why they had numbers of them and we were told because that’s how you pick which one you want to be with. Ah right, well watching gay bum sex is one thing but picking one to be with is quite another. We tipped the two cute ones that kept smiling at us and left.
The Boat Bar is apparently the best gay bar in Phuket according to the internet. It isn’t. It was only 2am when the bar shut and we met a German man named Michael who told us of a bar that has a lock-in. A lock-in! 18 year old me would be really impressed.
Image: Suz, me and German Michael from Germany.
When we got to the little lock-in bar an older guy from Newcastle was sat outside with his Thai girlfriend, oh yeah one of those men. We stayed at the bar for another two hours drinking and chatting to Michael from Hamburg (who had a gay sister) and more white older men with their Thai girlfriends came in for a drink. When 4 o’clock came we realised that although we aren’t 84 we were in fact bloody tired and wanted to go home.
We got into the first tuk tuk we saw, which needed a push start, and rode all the way up and down the hills to our hotel. 4:30am we go to bed. Like I said, 18 year old me would be super impressed.
Image: Disco tuk tuks are so much fun but do not do well on hills.
We woke up at 12:45pm hung over to shit, so we thought what’s the best thing to do when you’re hungover? That’s right, get a wild tuk tuk ride up the steepest hill to see Big Buddha. What’s Big Buddha I hear you mumble, it’s a Buddha, and it’s big. Before we got in the tuk tuk which struggled worse than the previous day’s one we were offered a menu by the driver, a menu offering a wide range of tacky jewelry and excursions. We declined.
Image: Big Buddha will see you now.
The Big Buddha really was just a big Buddha but the view from the top was beautiful. Having watched a few people do it, we grabbed some incense sticks and flowers and offered them to the shrine. On our walk back down the stairs we saw two monkeys hanging by the “do not feed the monkeys” sign. They went through the bin looking for food and threw a can of coke at one of the tourists.
Image: This carrot is remarkably below average.
At the bottom of the stairs was a temple, well the whole thing was a temple but downstairs was where the monks sat. One monk was sat at the front with a large bowl of bracelets next to him and a line of tourists in front of him. As stupid tourists who also wanted to be blessed by a monk we lined up, he tied a bracelet on us, shook his watery wooden stick and we put some money in the pot. A great money making idea, because even though Buddhism is the nicest of the religions, like the others, it still needs to make money.
Downhill in the tuk tuk was even more hair raising than uphill was, sure there wasn’t a gear lower than 1st gear but how good were the breaks on this thing? The journey down took us passed a few chained up elephants which was very sad to behold. The baby elephant kept trying to pull its leg away from the chain and the adult elephant kept rocking its trunk back and forth. STOP RIDING ELEPHANTS PEOPLE! THEY’RE NOT THERE FOR BUSINESSES TO MAKE MONEY FROM. IF YOU STOP RIDING THEM, THE THAI PEOPLE WILL STOP STEALING THEM FROM THE WILD AND CHAINING THEM UP.
Image: Please note the lack of chips and ketchup on my plate.
The Scottish lady from the first night recommended the lovely cheap restaurant around the corner, so we went there for dinner. I had proper Thai food, not a chip in sight, Suz also enjoyed her Thai meal even though the owner’s children were running around the restaurant. The older one kept hitting the smaller one’s bum and the smaller one (who was the most obese toddler I’ve ever seen) had his peanut out as he had taken off his pants. Is this hygienic? I asked Suz, should we see a copy of their health and safety regulations? However, the kids didn’t have any access to the food so we hoped it would be fine. And it was. This time.
At 11:30am the bus arrived outside of the hotel to take us to Phuket Town Pier for our joyous Phi Phi island day tour. The journey took around an hour and the woman behind me spent the entire time snorting and chewing her gum loudly, Suz silently told me not to say anything because the woman looked like she shouldn’t be messed with. When we got off the bus and I looked to see who it was; a very hard faced American woman who, for the entire day, didn’t smile or look like she enjoyed the trip one bit.
Once we had helped ourselves to the buffet that was put on at the pier and accidently stole two drinks from the shop we jumped on the speed boat and made our way to Phi Phi. Our first port of call was Phi Phi Don, a beautiful long stretch of beach with a bustling town just behind, our tour guide told us where the toilets were and said that we had 45 minutes here. The toilets were 50 baht to use so I peed in the sea. And that’s why the island is called Phi Phi.
Image: Oooo pretty Thai boat.
We left Phi Phi Don and made our way to Monkey beach, Viking Cave, Pileh Cove and the beautiful dreamlike Loh Samah Bay. Unlike the other five million tours that were at Monkey Beach we didn’t get off the boat as the monkeys have gotten so used to the humans feeding them that they’ve forgotten to feed themselves and can get aggressive if you don’t give them food.
One boy from another tour gave a tub full of popcorn to a monkey and another was chewing on a water bottle. It was a perfect scene to show how us humans are pretty terrible.
We jumped off the boat just outside of Los Samah Bay and went snorkelling, it was truly beautiful and surreal to see the fishes in out in the clear blue ocean. The photographer handed a piece of banana to me and suddenly all these little fishys came swimming over to get some of the fruity goodness. They even nibbled my fingers, cheeky fishys.
Image: Please stop dribbling at the picture of me in a swim suit.
Finally we arrived at Maya Bay, yes where The Beach was filmed, a film that I watched a week before going to Thailand so that I could get as excited about it as Suz. It really was an incredibly idyllic beach, the white sand was the softest thing I’ve ever felt beneath my feet and the sea was so transparent and warm. God it was bloody amazing.
Image: If I didn’t have a tan my entire body would’ve blended in with the sand.
We got to the beach around 3pm and there was an average of 400 people there, the tour guide told us that earlier in the day, around 12pm, you would find over 1000 people here. It’s a lovely beach but it’s rather small so I can imagine that it’s pretty mental at 12pm, so much so that the guide said you can’t see the sand for the people.
Image: This is the emptiest photo I took whilst on Maya Bay.
Like most places us humans go we leave rubbish and don’t bother to clear it up, even in this beautiful place. I saw a man going along the beach picking up litter and putting it into his plastic bag, but with 1,000’s of people everyday I’m guessing he never reaches the end of the rubbish. At one point Suz ran screaming out of the sea because she thought she saw a jelly fish, it was a plastic bag. Dope.
Back on the speed boat we travelled back to Phuket. With the sun beaming down and the wind stripping us of any heat we stupidly sat in the sun for the entire journey. Suz got burnt to shit, but I only got burnt a little because I’m more responsible with my sun tan lotion. Cough.
We took another ridiculous bus ride back to the hotel; one bike had a baby being held tightly on it and the bike cut us up at a roundabout. It really is driving at its most stupidest, it’s like everyone is on a suicide mission and no one has taken their driving test.
We got back to the hotel safely but shaken and went for dinner. As we sat on our balcony enjoying a drink and definitely not smoking we saw a large group of Chinese guests arrive at the pool with their pool bags packed and their cossies on. The Chinese jumped into the pool and enjoyed their 10pm swim. Crazy people.
It’s nice to stay in a hotel that’s not full of Brits however I didn’t realise how bad it would be to stay in a hotel full of Russians. They like to stare, a lot, they’re also rude and don’t say hello in lifts. The only British person I met in the hotel was the northern man behind me at the breakfast queue who said ‘you getting eggs mate?’ ‘No I’m not. Mate.’ I replied in my quintessential southern English accent, because even though it was nice to hear an English voice I do not like being called mate.
We wanted to book two tickets to a Muay Thai fight for that evening but were quoted 1,700 baht each. I read online that Thais can get in for only 100 baht so I asked the ticket lady and she told me that locals get in for free but not the tourists because tourists have lots of money. So we didn’t go to a Muay Thai fight, on principle and because unlike all these other tourists she spoke of, we didn’t have lots of money.
The walls in the hotel are thin and unlucky for Suz she heard the neighbour’s screaming child and the man snoring. Luckily for me I can sleep through a tsunami. That’s not really funny is it? Seeing as I’m writing about a place that was devastated by a tsunami. I apologise.
Anyway moving on. We enjoyed a day by the pool, sunbathing and reading Carrie Fisher’s Wishful Drinking book, I finished reading and went to sit with my legs dipped in the pool. Suz joined me a few minutes later and informed me that I had poo on my face, a bird had pooped on my face. The bastard.
After a lovely first trip to Ann’s House, (the restaurant with the obese toddler) we returned and had a lovely but delayed meal of Pad Thai, rice, chips (yay finally some chips) and chicken with asparagus. We were still questioning the hygiene of the place as the toddler ran around with his peanut out again.
Next door to the restaurant was a massage parlour so we treated ourselves, Suz had a freezing cold Aloe Vera all over massage and I was assaulted. Well, it was actually called a back, neck and shoulder massage but she pulled me about and hurt me so much that I thought of filing a police report afterwards. Half way through the massage I felt a fart brewing, (what with all the pushing down on my back and stuff), so I clenched as hard as I could to hold it in, the masseuse obviously knew this because she then decided to get up on the table and stand on my butt cheeks. Well anything she smelt afterwards was her own doing.
It turns out that the hygiene at the restaurant was indeed questionable and we should’ve questioned it more thoroughly as Suz was up the entire night pooping and spewing violently, it really was a lovely image. We called the reception around 5am and a room boy came up, took one look at Suz ill in her bed and said he’d be ten minutes. Three hours later I went down to reception and was told that they weren’t a doctor so there’s nothing they could do.
If we called a doctor to the hotel is would be 6000 baht/£140 just to see her and the clinic around the corner charges 1800 baht but she’d have to walk there.
So instead of calling a doctor, Ms Thrifty pants here ventured off into town at 8am. Very tired and slightly dazed I searched and searched for a shop to buy medicine for Suz but nothing was open, everything had its shutter down, except, what’s that over there? It’s a 7/11, a shop famous for opening at 7 and closing at 11! I rushed over and after demonstrating Suz’s symptoms to the shop assistant was given travel sickness tablets and some ginger herbal remedy for abdominal pain. One hour later I ventured out again and was given a shit load of proper medicine from a pharmacy.
After a few hours of Suz running to the toilet every 10 minutes the lovely hotel receptionist knocked on our door and gave us a sweet note along with a hamper full of fruit. Fruit, perhaps not the best choice of food for someone who is already pooping brown rain, but it was sweet nonetheless.
Image: We’re sorry you’re violently ill, here’s a banana.
Leaving Suz to her own smells I walked to Wat Karon, the temple with a large market in front of it filled with food, clothes and a few random hens walking around. Inside the temple was beautiful and a monk stood watch over the market from the top of the stairs.
Image: A priest, a monk and a rabbi walk into a market, what is this some sort of joke?
On my way back to the hotel I popped into a tattoo shop to enquire about a tattoo, yes I’m that idiot who goes to Thailand and gets a tattoo. A large Russian man was in the tattoo shop getting a Winchester gun tattooed on the side of his forearm, at least my tattoo is Thai related.
In the evening I grabbed a few cans of beer, some cigarettes and an odd sandwich that had been stored on a shelf rather than in a fridge and sat on Karon beach watching the sun set. After a lovely hour peacefully drinking and smoking I walked back to the hotel to find that the entire street had a power cut including our hotel. Thank God for the torch on my iPhone.
Image: Who says that Crocs don’t look good? Oh everyone… Move along, nothing to see here.
Now it was my turn to enjoy the squits/brown rain/trots/anal leakage/colon blow, luckily it was only violently escaping from one end and not the other. I couldn’t imagine a better way to enjoy our 3rd year anniversary than running to the toilet every half an hour. It was now Suz’s turn to go to the pharmacy and get a shit load of medication.
After the assquake calmed down we enjoyed a day by the pool. Do you remember when I said that the Russians at our hotel stare a lot? Well they really do, and they like to stare even more when they see two women in the pool cuddling each other, yes we may have given them a bit of a show just to annoy them but it’s fun to kiss in front of people who are clearly massive Catholics from a crazy country.
That night Scotland was playing Wales in the 6 nations so we found an Irish bar and had something to eat. Although I had stopped pooping I was having terrible abdominal cramps and only managed to eat a tiny bit of my soup before we got a tuk tuk back to the hotel and I collapsed on the bed. Happy anniversary to us. Scotland won 29-13.
Phuket is not famous for its waterfalls but we thought we’d venture out to the one anyway, we took a tuk tuk to Kathu waterfalls and yes it was a bit disappointing because it wasn’t very well kept and it was, well, a bit shit. But it was lovely to get into the water after climbing a thousands steps, (I’m writing this five days later and my calves are still killing,) a large group of Russians were also enjoying the water and one of them brought their fluffy little dog with them.
Image: Ooo look, water falling.
More steps lead us up further to the top of the waterfall so I decided to take a picture, it was only after I’d taken the picture that I realised I’d accidentally taken a picture of two waterfalls.
Image: Please note that I did not realise he was peeing when I took the photo otherwise I would’ve zoomed in.
Unlike our trip to the Big Buddha where the tuk tuk driver waited for us there were no tuk tuks or taxis waiting at the waterfalls which meant that we had to walk for a long time before we found anyone with a tuk tuk.
Image: Look how green this lake is that we passed. Bare green mate.
As we walked along the road two young guys on the back of a bike shouted ‘tuk tuk’ at us. They quoted us 800 baht and we said we’d gotten there for only 600 baht, they said ok and said they’d be 10 minutes. We continued to walk with a sense of dread filling us that we were going to be picked up by some random guy, driven away and skinned alive.
The two guys came back on their bike wearing different t-shirts and tried to get the price back up to 800 baht, we said no and they started offering us an elephant show, a monkey show and then tickets to a gun range. He did this by pointing his fingers at me and pretending to shoot me. Yeah we’re not getting in a car with these guys. They said they’d be five minutes and they drove off. We walked quickly before manically waving down another tuk tuk that passed us and made our way safely back to our hotel.
Later that day we went back into Karon to get our tattoos done. The final result:
Image: Please note that that is nappy rash cream and not sweat.
Image: This is Suz’s tan after eight days in Thailand, she is from Scotland though.
After getting our tattoos we went and had dinner in the most western looking restaurant we could find and enjoyed a poison-free burger and chips. During our meal a series of young girls kept coming up to the table to sell us necklaces of flowers, it was very sad to see as these girls couldn’t have been more than five years old.
We returned back to the Irish bar to watch England vs Italy in the 6 nations, as we watched the game I realised that we must’ve been surrounded by Italians because everyone was cheering Italy on and clapping when England did something wrong. Italians? No Jenna, just English hating British people, ah yes, those lovely folk. In front was a very angry Welsh couple who shouted and screamed at the screen when Italy did something wrong and cheered loudly when they scored a try. The people behind us were Irish and were just as happy and loud when England dropped the ball.
I asked the Irish lady behind me whether she wanted Italy to win or England to lose, she told me she wanted England to lose. I thought as much. So much hatred, normally I would support Scotland but I encouraged Suz to cheer on England with me. Her lame attempt at clapping when England scored a try was pathetic. England won and I cheered obnoxiously loud to annoy the Welsh and Irish people, which it did. Smug Jenna.
The day we had both been waiting for finally arrived. We had originally been booked to go to the elephant sanctuary on day six but Suz had been ill and luckily for us the sanctuary had let us change the date without losing our deposit.
At 11:30am we were picked up by a large tuk tuk with four French and two other British people in the back. The journey to the sanctuary was long and like all car journeys in Thailand, filled with terror and adrenaline. When we finally got there we met the six elephants; Filo, Natalie, Diamond, Boa, Choo (who was the only boy and a very naughty one at that) and Sofar.
I’d seen elephants in a zoo before but never up close and personal where I could touch them and feed them. They really are the most magnificent animals. As we waited for more of the tour group to arrive we took photos with the elephants and watched as they roamed around, unfortunately Diamond went over to the rubbish tip that the local family had created and ate a big plastic bag full of rubbish. What the hell? I thought this was a sanctuary where the elephants are looked after, not allowed to just eat the rubbish that these people haven’t bothered clearing up.
Image: I look so much like my brother here it’s disturbing.
These elephants had all come from riding and logging camps and we were taught more about the history behind their horrific ordeals before we chopped up a series of sugar canes, bananas and watermelons for us to feed to the elephants. If you forgot the elephant’s name you could say “bon” and the elephant would open its mouth for you to put the food directly into it. If you didn’t say bon then the elephant would find the food in your hand with its strong and hilarious trunk anyway. The baby elephant was still exploring the world with its trunk and it sniffed up Suz’s shoe laces and my bracelet ties.
Image: Just put the banana straight in please mate.
As we were feeding the elephants the youngest one, who had only just woken up, just stood there nibbling her sister’s ear. The eldest, Filo, 60, ate away from Choo the four year old naughty boy because Filo doesn’t like him, mainly because he’s naughty.
Once the elephants were fed we bathed them in the large mud spa that felt like a big pool of the squishiest poo, I have a feeling it probably was. The elephant’s playful spirit was so much fun, they splashed and fell over in the mud waving their legs wildly, we were told beforehand to stand behind them if they fall over otherwise you’ll be kicked and end up at the other end of the sanctuary.
Image: Guess who weighs the most. Clue: It’s not who you think.
Their trunks were so strong and so useful; they picked up food with them, they cuddled us with them and they sprayed themselves with the watery mud with them. We walked the elephants over to the clean water pool (where we had seen one do a big poo an hour before) and washed away all of the mud. Again, so much fun, water squirted everywhere and Suz and I tried very hard to keep away from the section where we’d seen the large poo drop.
Image: I know it may look like I’m giving the elephant a rectal exam but I’m really not.
During the entire day it pissed it down, biblical rain, and as we enjoyed our lunch it started to thunder loudly. This only added to the total awesomeness of the day. Sat opposite us during lunch was an Australian couple who told us all about the ping pong show they saw the night before. ‘They used balls, budgies, hamsters, terrapins and they thrusted out darts to pop balloons.’ The woman told us. It was free to enter (the show not the woman’s vagina, perv) but the drinks were 1200 baht/£27 each and you had to buy at least one. Apparently at one point the hamster escaped out of the performer’s vagina and tried to make a run for it but she grabbed it and shoved it back in. We had been thinking of seeing a ping pong show but we decided that if they’re going to misuse animals in that way then we ain’t going anywhere near it!
Image: I can’t think of a funny caption for this photo. Soz.
The tuk tuk ride home was the most frightening of all journeys due to the heavy rain. The large muddy hill at the entrance of the sanctuary was narrow and, thanks to the rain, very slippery. We struggled to get a good grip going up the hill but then we slided down the hill just using the breaks. Fucking terrifying.
Bollocks, it’s home day. The first flight was not only bloody early but also bloody packed, we sat in the middle seats and the Russian guy next to me (I know, they get everywhere!) thought that he was hung like a Shire horse so he had his legs wide open for the entire journey. He also thought it was ok to lean on me while he slept. It wasn’t. To get him to fuck the fuck off I bounced my leg up and down for around an hour and he soon got the idea that he should budge the fuck up. Fucking fuck. Sorry mum.
The second flight however, the guy next to me just sat upright with his eyes closed, he didn’t eat any of the meals and only watched one film during the seven hour flight. Dude, the movies on offer are like totally awesome and the food is free, tuck in… Very strange behaviour. Movies watched on all flights:
Manchester by the sea
La La Land
I am Bolt
We finally got to Gatwick but it took us over 40 minutes to get through passport control, the queue for non EU passports was tiny, but the one for EU and UK passports was huge. Why is it so hard for me to get back into my own country? It would’ve been quicker if I had wanted to claim asylum.
Our holiday was amazing, the most beautiful place mixed with incredible experiences, yummy food, rude Russians and lots of poop. We will definitely be going back.
Thank you for reading my travel journal. If you laughed/chuckled/smiled/passed wind or even enjoyed it a little bit won’t you please take a moment to leave me a review?
It was during University when I was on my own getting drunk while watching Absolutely Fabulous that I realised I wanted to work in comedy. For three years I wrote and performed stand up comedy in and around London. Over 150 stand up gigs and one quite disastrous Edinburgh Fringe show later I finally realised that performing stand up wasn’t for me. So I decided to become a writer.
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