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Bridging the Gap, Conversations with Spirit, Who Was & Still Is

Bridging The Gap

Conversations With Spirit

 

Who Was & Still Is

 

 

Kimberly M. Quezada

Copyright © 2017 by Kimberly M. Quezada

 

License Notes

This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. All rights reserved. This eBook or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

 

Printed in Canada

 

First printing, 2017

 

ISBN 9780991912193

 

Kimberly M. Quezada

Edmonton, Alberta

Canada

 

www.irishyogini.wix.com/authorpage

Acknowledgments

 

 

For the Spirit

On the physical plane

Beside, around and within.

A soft spot to land.

Someone

Something to fall into.

To connect with.

Someone

Something to continue to live, reside, and speak with.

Even if

One day

It’s in a different way.

Introduction

 

Death.

 

When I consider the word, I stumble, either verbally or mentally. It’s too final.

 

Death.

 

I don’t pretend to be unaffected by the aftermath of it. I have, like many many people, lost family and friends to the word. As I sat in funeral homes, churches or hospitals, I cried with those who were seemingly left behind and yet…there was always a sigh of relief; a quiet happiness that flowed through me and a mental congratulations because they had done what might be considered the impossible. They graduated from one of the biggest education centers of this Universe…Earth.

 

I once heard that people who have died were called back to Heaven because they were needed in a bigger capacity than what they were needed for on earth which doesn’t exactly sound fair. These people were parents or siblings, children or friends, husbands or wives. Their lives were making the biggest impact on those who knew them and who loved them as who they were in their human form. They were life and yet I felt strangely comforted, after the tears had fallen, that their life never ended. It just began again…in a different way.

 

So I don’t prefer the word death. Anything but death. When speaking to those we may label dead, I have gained the understanding that the Spirit was never meant to die; that it continues because it is energy and the energy of our luvs never quits. They have imprinted part of themselves on our hearts and minds, never to be forgotten. But I don’t believe they were ever meant to only be a memory either.

 

What if we could come to an understanding that just as much as we wish we could interact with our loved ones again…that they wish the same as well and they try. What if we took a moment and just forgot about our questions and simply called their names to have a talk with them. What if we poured them a cup of coffee or a tea or even served them their favorite beer and spoke and, when hearing a reply in the back corner of our brains, chose to believe it was them answering and continued to engage in the conversation we just started?

 

My first experience channeling someone from Heaven was Paul Walker. I didn’t know who he was. Only that he acted in movies I had never been interested in watching. I never asked for an introduction nor did I ever ask to have ghosts speak with me. I had experience in channeling Angels and my Spiritual Council of Light. I have Spirit Guides that I spoke with frequently but I never considered, for a moment, that my work would take a different direction; that it would change into communicating with a human someone. It was…confusing, crazy, anxiety riddled and doubtful. All these emotions crossed my mind because I felt I was daydreaming; that the man standing at my desk at work, a man that I could only see and hear was an illusion or a daydream. I struggled with understanding the purpose of the visit that soon turned into multiple visits until I caved and gave him the time of day. It took me a few days to engage in some sort of communication with him. I am an automatic writer. It’s what I was comfortable with but I had to begin to engage more spiritual gifts…some that I didn’t realize I had, to make the communication work. It was a secret that I chose to keep to myself until he asked if we could share what we were talking about. Hesitantly, I agreed. It was the start of a journey I could never foresee but have enjoyed just the same.

 

Then the lines started forming. One after the other, I would have knocks on my door. I would have Spirits from all timelines who just wanted to chat openly and honestly about who they were as they lived and who they continue to be. As I carried on with the visits from the unseen, instead of doubt I felt trust. Instead of worry, I felt supported, and instead of fear I felt loved. I have made many friends in Spirit. Some come back time and again. Some only wave from a distance just to check in. Regardless, channeling these people has offered me something that I probably would never have gotten if I didn’t choose to take part in this work.

 

Peace.

 

I cultivated a deeper understanding that we do live on and that we have the ability to continue to touch people’s lives as we do when we inhabit our bodies. How incredible is that?

 

This is the first book of channeling those that have lived, walked this earth and continue to do so. These conversations will no longer be on the website and will only be found in this book. All of these people have touched my life and shared so much of their love that I am forever grateful. I have spent much time with those of the unseen and have become comfortable with their presence as an extension of my family. This is my journey with them. I have dated these talks. You can flip through or you can read them in order. It’s up to you. For more conversations, please check out the blog at www.irishyogini.wix.com/authorpage. Thank you for joining us. Our door is always open and you are always welcome inside. I have made it my personal mission to continue the conversations that were never meant to end. Events, jobs, vacations, books, articles…all these things were meant to be memories. People…Spirit…not so much and for that reason we continue together in whatever way that presents itself. Right now, it’s with words.

 

 

Much Love,

 

Kimberly.

 

Foreward

 

This book that you are about to read is filled with an abundance of channels from so many famous people from the other side that even Oprah would be jealous of these one-of-a-kind “interviews”. In fact, that is my loving nickname for Kimberly… “Oprah of the Dead”. She is much too humble to take the compliment seriously, which is one of the qualities that makes Kim so endearing. Prepare to be intrigued by her remarkable questioning skills that respectfully hit on interesting, yet sometimes, tough subjects. I feel that their responses will not only satisfy your curiosity about each channeled spirit, but will change your perceptions and open your mind to an entirely new way of thinking. I believe this is part of what Kimberly and her most common regulars, Paul Walker, and her spirit guide, Simon, hope to get across to the reader.

If having Paul Walker on your team doesn’t sound incredulous enough, wait until you read the words of legendary singers, actors, writers, inventors, creators; the notorious Rasputin, and even a philosopher and a queen to add to the mix! Not to dismiss Jules Verne, one of the most profound writers that has ever lived as well as the astounding Nicholas Flamel, Princess Diana, and Anne Frank, to name just a few. Even a formidable lion named Cecil! There are far too many impressive names to list, but I’m certain that you will be as fascinated as I am.

Trust me, I know how this sounds. Who is this Kimberly M. Quezada and how is she attracting so many prominent figures in spirit? I once had my doubts too, but as I kept reading, I kept learning, and suddenly my heart and mind were expanding into a place that I never knew existed! There isn’t a shred of doubt that Kim is the real deal. I happen to be very fortunate to have many friends that are mediums, but have never encountered someone so specific, clear and concise with her direct and detailed messages from spirit. Kim is smart, witty, and a little sassy, but all of that is wrapped up in the kind of warmth and compassion that turns sarcasm into loving, teasing banter (especially with Paul). Eventually, I got to know Kimberly on a friendship level, and can honestly say that she’s one of the most authentic and genuine human beings who never ceases to amaze me. She can be a little shy in person, but certainly doesn’t shy away from asking thought-provoking questions while maintaining open-mindedness to the answers received and yet, she holds her own strength of conviction at the same time. All this is delivered in Kim’s precise, yet delicate, way with words. I have participated in some of these channels by asking questions through Kim, and let me tell you personally, the responses have never disappointed. Quite the contrary! Paul Walker, Simon, Anton Yelchin, Robin Williams, and Roger Rodas have all given me amazing feedback that truly made perfect sense in a personalized manner.

I, for one, am honored to have been asked to write this foreword because I believe very strongly in their combined message of “Bridging the Gap – Who Was and Still Is”. This book is rich in knowledge that encompasses the belief that we truly never die because we are energy and we are consciousness, and these never die. You learn that we can continue to keep that valuable connection with our crossed-over loved ones and that the separation from them is only a perception. Kim, and those she channels, are working to shatter the myth of separation after “death”; a word that no longer makes sense to Kimberly for obvious reasons. Kim is breaking the mold by living bravely and speaking her truth because she understands that this message is far too important to hide under a shadow of fear and criticism. Her unique gifts enlighten us with their authenticity and hope to disrupt the status quo by allowing each of us room to ponder, question, and feel out our own journeys of participating in a relationship with spirit in our own individual ways.

Thank-you kindly, Ms. Kimberly, for your caring, loving, and most beautiful heart. Never stop sharing. Many of us have been profoundly touched and influenced by the messages your channels have offered. Thank-you to all of you in spirit who continue to live on, just differently, yet love us unconditionally, and provide ongoing help and constant support.

Leanne.

 

Prologue

 

Channeled from Paul Walker

 

 

 

 

Hey guys. Welcome. It’s cool that you’re here. Right now, I told Kim to give us a minute so I could have a shot of gettin’ you started in what some might consider a trip…a psycho fantastical trip. Cool. I’m in. I’m up for anything. But you haven’t dropped into the pages of a trip. It’s a journey. These pages that you’re about to dive into are talks with some of the coolest people. Some from the history books. Some from recent times. These pages contain the words of those who’ve lived some of the wickedest lives…who have done so much and who some, consider, to have been taken way too soon. Thing is…Heaven isn’t a destination. Heaven’s a state of being and it exists all around you…all the time. It’s not a secret club that’s meant for some and it’s not separate. Not even from you, the reader. I met my girl, Kim, through a man named Erik Medhus. I did an interview with him, his mom Elisa, and a medium named Robert. I had an agenda. I wanted to find someone that I could share messages with, who didn’t know much about me, other than a name and who was willing to go all the way. I found that and through working with her as a partner and as a friend, I found that I didn’t have to remain a memory…that I could continue to live as Paul, on Earth, just in a different way. I owe her. Kim’s my girl and through emotion, sometimes frustration and a lot of love and laughs, we’ve gotten to a point where we’re comfortable and ready to move forward with new ventures and to help as many as we can bridge this gap. We (Spirit) never intended to be just a memory. We live and we love and we’re with all those people who we lived and loved with before our transitions. Kim doesn’t like the word death because she doesn’t believe in it. I support that. So, you’ve downloaded the book. Awesome. Thank you. That’s the first step. Give us an hour. Flip through our journey. Get introduced to people who are still very much a part of life; who can come with a thought and who can get you to feel way more and deeper than you ever could before. Let’s go for a ride. Let’s take your mind and your heart on a journey. Maybe you’ll feel us and you’ll see that you, me and all those that you thought were separate are really just beside you…waiting for an in. Pick up the phone. Say our names. Ask us, ‘man, how’ve you been?’. We’ll answer honestly…

 

We never left.

 

Paul.

 

 

 

Visit with Paul Walker – 1^st^ Published Channel and the Start of…Something

 

January 29, 2016

 

 

Okay. So I’m coming out of the closet, spiritually speaking. From the support I have gotten from two close friends and my Spiritual Team about what’s coming in, I’ve decided to be brave and share these conversations. This is so new to me but I’ve been told that these people are coming in with very honest intentions and to move forward with this I am to give the same respect. So without further ado, I am sharing my conversation with Paul Walker. I knew of this guy but I didn’t go out of my way to watch his movies or anything. He was just a name in a world I know nothing about. It’s surprising that we connected. P for Paul and K for me.

 

 

P: Finally. Knock, knock knock.

 

K: I know. I’m sorry. I have to fit it in when I can but this could take a while.

 

P: I have all day. Like I’ve been telling you the whole morning. I do know you’re busy so as long as it takes.

 

K: It’s been a ride; this whole thing and I just wanted to say thanks for hanging around. I know you wanted to talk today because of what you’ve shown me.

 

P: I’m getting pushy. But I did want to give a shout out to your friend Sharon. I think she was what you needed to do this so I just wanted to say hi. (Waves his hand) She’s awesome. You know that.

 

K: I do. She’s always there at that exact moment I need to spiritually vent.

 

P: Shout out to Sharon!

 

K: So I know that there are lots of discussions that we could talk about that I would share…

 

P: Oh no.

 

K: And we have had private conversations about personal things to me…

 

P: Yes.

 

K: I told Sharon I might bring this up with you.

 

P: I was telling you all day yesterday about throwing me under the bus this way. This is our virgin voyage.

 

K: But after talking with Sharon about all this celebrity stuff, I’m still curious and I know you’ve been feeding me bits and pieces…

 

P: Yes.

 

K: Women?

 

P: Great.

 

K: Seriously. You come from a life where you had many admirers, mostly women, and they’re very protective of you and your memory. Did you appreciate all or did you type cast?

 

P: Wonderful. (Sarcasm)

 

K: I could ask different things if you want.

 

P: No, it’s fine. Like all people on earth, not just celebrities or men, I had a type that I found attractive but that doesn’t mean I found women of different types not beautiful.

 

K: Okay.

 

P: I think in the industry I was in, it was very difficult for anyone, male or female, to be themselves. Especially for women, in some of the films I made, you needed to be a specific type.

 

K: Sexy.

 

P: We could say that, sure, but was it what I personally preferred, not always.

 

K: What did you prefer?

 

P: Someone who could keep up. (Laughing) Seriously though, when my daughter was born it changed because I wanted her to know that who she was in this world was important and it didn’t matter that she was Paul Walker’s daughter. She was an individual. I think that when you become a parent, your view of beauty is different because it’s a person not just a face. You look at beauty different because you want to instill a sense of confidence in your kids.

 

K: Well put. I try to do that. My husband for sure. Especially with Ireland.

 

P: Yeah. Dads are more protective of their girls.

 

K: So, your daughter really made you look at people, specifically women, with more…

 

P: Say it.

 

K: Respect.

 

P: Definitely.

 

K: What do you think now, from your much broader perspective, about that whole industry?

 

P: Uh…Depends on what genre. With both men and women, appearance is everything because they have to portray an image so anyone cast in a role has to be believable. If you’re going for sex, that person had to have the ‘body’ the ‘look’ (he’s doing air quotes) If you’re acting in a role about smarts then you have to look ‘smart’. That’s what sells. But it’s stressful for these people. It does take a toll. It’s almost one-upping a person with appearance to get a role.

 

K: Did you ever have to compete like that?

 

P: Of course.

 

K: Confidence?

 

P: Practiced. (He smiles) You get used to the way that career works. I felt very lucky that I got…well, I found a niche that fit my personality. It came easy…obviously.

 

K: So women…

 

P: I like how they are now starting to say what’s okay and what’s not. I know you’ve always questioned or wondered about those celebrities you read about but the message I want to bring forth is that we’re not that image that’s portrayed and people like to dig and dig for this thought or image of those celebrities that they crush on but nine times out of ten, it’s not who they really are. Believe it or not, we have lives that aren’t available for viewing and that’s who we are and hopefully not what you see. Privacy is a big thing that we have to struggle with.

 

K: Yeah.

 

P: Assumption creates all that rumor and usually it’s not true. Anyway, back to women.

 

K: Do you think women have to put on such a show? Not just celebrities but in general?

 

P: No.

 

K: Not at all?

 

P: Nope. Not at all. But there’s factors that play roles like upbringing and social standards. Men do it too. It’s just not as talked about.

 

K: I agree. Men have those issues too.

 

P: Yeah but people, and this goes for all, there’s too much emphasis put on how others will look at you . You (He’s talking about me) go through that. Especially with talking to me.

 

K: It’s true. I do. And how I hear you right now, there’s still that thought about people not going to believe this.

 

P: (shrug) So?

 

K: Is that the same thing you would tell someone if they thought they didn’t look good to someone else?

 

P: Yep.

 

K: Hhhmmm.

 

P: I lived how I wanted to live. I still do. I didn’t concern myself with what others thought. I had bigger concerns. Like being a good father, being a good brother, friend and son. What people assumed I was like wasn’t important. They can be protective of an image but it was only those closest to me that could be protective of who I was as a man.

 

K: Do you enjoy the fan base you still have?

 

P: I do. I appreciate the love. It’s a lot of love and without that fan base I wouldn’t have had the life I did. I am honored and I will always be grateful.

 

K: I know you tried to give back.

 

P: As much as I could. There are people all over the world that need help. Especially after disasters. If I could use my ‘status’ to bring awareness, I would.

 

K: Again with the air quotes?

 

P: It brings home a point.

 

K: Yes it does.

 

P: Celebrities could do more of that.

 

K: Air quotes?

 

P: No. Humanitarian aid effort. Whatever. Some do. But there could be more I think. Let’s not just leave it to celebrities though. Let’s say everyone. Everyone could be more helpful.

 

K: I agree. In some way be helpful.

 

P: In some way. (He nods) Come on. Ask it. I know you want to.

 

K: Oscar controversy?

 

P: It’s always been there.

 

K: How come it’s coming out now?

 

P: Because people have a right to say how they feel. There’s definitely still some inequality. Is that how it’s said?

 

K: Very politically correct.

 

P: Thanks.

 

K: What would fix it?

 

P: The same issues as the woman thing. Stop type casting. If a black man or woman is better for a role but in the script it was thought of as white, forget what it was thought as. It’s simple to me. Doesn’t matter color or gender. It’s a human being. But I think it will always be there. I think more African Americans should make more movies. They would be awesome and it would set the stage for more equality in all ways in that industry.

 

K: Set the stage. Good one.

 

P: Set the tone. There needs to be more proactive instead of reaction.

 

K: Funny you should say that…

 

P: I know. I know who visits.

 

K: (Laughing) How did a talk about women become about the Oscars?

 

P: You asked and it’s all connected. Equality. I can’t believe you still think you’re imagining this.

 

K: I know. I’m sorry. I’ll get better.

 

P: Eat that sandwich.

 

 

I’m eating lunch.

 

 

K: Want one?

 

P: I’m good. So, are you going to take a leap of faith?

 

K: Thinking about it.

 

P: Come on. Be brave because there’s lots more to come.

 

K: From who?

 

P: From anyone.

 

K: Oh God.

 

P: (laughing) I gotta go. You eat. I wanna give a shout out again to Sharon. And I wanna say hi to everyone out there that keeps me alive. All your love feeds me. I love you back. (He kisses his palm and offers the kiss.)

 

K: Bye Paul. Thanks.

 

P: Bye.

 

 

 

Visit with TomTom from the Afterlife

 

February 1, 2016

 

 

I have been experiencing the presence of a young man, maybe seventeen or eighteen years of age. He is Aboriginal and he has wanted a chance to speak or to give an “interview”. I don’t know him, just that he’s an Aboriginal boy from Canada and he kept telling me his name was TomTom. I did an internet search to see if there was any native name like that and all I got was some sort of drum. As I was walking my dog I was thinking about him and found the feather of an owl. He told me it was for me. I asked if he could show me who he was. I did another internet search on “TomTom native name” and Thomas Moore came up. I asked him if this was him and he confirmed it was. So a head count of who’s who as I speak with him is my spirit guide, Simon and Thomas (TomTom).

 

K: I’m sorry to keep you waiting so long Thomas. Thank you for being patient with me and thank you for the gift of the feather. You must be connected to the owl somehow because in my dreams last night I was with an owl.

 

T: Yes. The owl is part of me.

 

K: Does this mean totem stuff?

 

T: Yes. Thank you for seeing me and talking with me.

 

K: Thank you for being with me. You told me while we were introducing ourselves over the last couple of days that you were from Manitoba but in my research, which came up with very little, it said you went to school in Saskatchewan.

 

T: Yes, I was taken from my home and moved far away. This was so the opportunity of leaving would be difficult.

 

K: Is it true you went to a residential school?

 

T: Yes. This is true. The photos that you see of me are the transition I made from Cree boy to white boy. This was not of my choosing but it was pressed upon me to do so.

 

K: Can you tell me a little bit about your experience? I mean, I hear of the stories and I can only imagine the circumstances of your schooling. Is there anything you would like to tell me? Were you treated better than the others because you were the face of what the intentions of the schools were?

 

T: This was propaganda. It did not show the truth of the situation. It was only to show the public of the well-being that the children of these schools were living. It was a face to a situation that made it easier for people to turn away from. I was not treated better than another. We were treated the same.

 

K: What was it like when you were taken?

 

T: It was like the trapping of an animal. I was lured with other children and then taken.

 

K: Did you ever see your family again?

 

T: No. I was too young.

 

K: Too young to run?

 

T: Too young to remember. It was not only the clothes that changed. It was similar to brainwashing. Those that fought suffered the most. It was better to accommodate than to try and remain who I was.

 

K: Why do you think these schools were constructed?

 

T: Ignorance breeds racism. Questions were never asked about how my people lived. We were considered to be heathens. We were considered to be cavemen when the way we lived was of the earth and we respected what the earth blessed us with.

 

K: Did you die in the school?

 

T: No. I died after I left. Fever. My kind; my people, could never obtain the proper help or healthcare that we required and so many of us died because of this. We were taken, we were changed, we were released. The support, to continue in our new white lives, was not there. We were slaves.

 

K: I have to ask Thomas, why are you coming to me? I’m sure you know that I’m pretty new at this stuff but such an emotional story and such a heavy topic is a little uncomfortable for me. So I’m just wondering why now, I guess?

 

T: There is much assumption about what happened in the schools. There is much hatred and ongoing sorrow because of what generations before went through. Yes, we suffered but this does not mean that all must continue to do so.

 

K: Did you want to tell me a little of what you experienced?

 

 

He shows me scrubbing skin. He shows me red and raw scrubbed skin.

 

 

K: Was this about your color?

 

T: Yes.

 

 

He shows me classrooms and repeating phrases from books. He shows me verbal abuse if pronunciation of words wasn’t spoken correctly.

 

 

K: Did this happen as soon as you arrived or was there “time” for the young ones to, I guess practice a little?

 

T: Not an abundant amount of time to learn new languages. It was important to leave who you were as an Aboriginal person very quickly. It was important to become “white” very quickly.

 

 

He shows me children eating in large rooms together but there’s not much talking. He shows me some areas were kept clean while others were not. This was where illness was most prevalent.

 

 

K: In my knowledge of residential schools, I was reading of abuse? Physical and otherwise?

 

T: Yes. This was in order to maintain control but we did not have to act out in ways that would warrant discipline. We were disciplined anyway. We were disciplined for being Aboriginal.

 

K: I have to ask this because it’s always there. It’s like the elephant in the room of this situation. Did you blame religion for what you went through? I don’t know much but I have heard that these schools were run by Christians so I’m just wondering if, when you lived it, you blamed religion or even God?

 

T: I blamed ignorance. I had no knowledge of your churches at this time. In my young age I did not know of a God as how you thought of this term. I knew of ancestry, of spirit, of earth. I did understand God but in my own terms of a Central Source. It was not only one. It was all. No, I did not hold blame to a religion. I held blame to the individuals that I suffered under.

 

K: And now?

 

T: I only hold a space of forgiveness and love. I cannot hold onto to hateful feelings here because it is impossible. I only hold the lessons that I have learned from living that life as a child and young man.

 

K: What was your death like?

 

T: It was freedom. I was given wings to fly.

 

K: The owl?

 

T: Yes.

 

K: How are you now and by that I mean how do you live now?

 

T: I live with my people. I hold those that cry in a space of forgiveness and love. I am with my ancestors and together we continue to teach of rising from ashes and to be reborn through forgiveness. Too often it is seen that the suffering of the Aboriginal, from all areas of this world, is used to keep them down in this energy. It is the time to rise up and use the experience of abuse as a tool of knowledge about how to come out of the darkness and still remember who one is, in the true spirit of one’s birth. One is handed circumstances in life. It is coming out of this with an understanding of purpose that is important. It is a time to gain self-love from hardship.

 

K: You wanted to speak about the missing Aboriginal women?

 

T: Yes.

 

K: What would you like to say about it?

 

T: It is the same cycle only in different form. This cycle stems from within the culture and not outside of it. It is because my people have not been able to heal and so the cycle continues.

 

K: But this doesn’t mean all Aboriginals are still trapped in these cycles.

 

T: No, but it is still there. We are still separated as a culture when your country was founded by it; by us. We should not remain separate and yet we are.

 

K: Some would say that it’s time to stop using history as an excuse for behavior; that there is help offered but it’s not taken.

 

T: No resources for help because of ages old bias and racist assumption. The help is still based on race. When an Aboriginal man or woman is seen on the street and it is apparent they are suffering, assumptions are made based on what they look like or who they are. There is not enough help available for these men and women because of preconceived ideas and judgements that continue to this day. The wars that my people fought still reside in their being today. It is a difficult road with equally difficult solutions.

 

K: Do you see this changing?

 

T: Yes.

 

 

He shows me a picture of our recently elected Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau.

 

 

T: He is the face of change, of sensitivity and insight to conversations not being spoken. He will start these talks by peace, by understanding that the past has shaped our present but will not shape our future.

 

K: You speak like you’re alive with us now.

 

T: I am. There is no death. I am present.

 

K: Did you live your highest potential or were you not able to?

 

T: I was not able to under the circumstances that I lived. I did my best with the life that I ultimately chose but I continue to live my highest potential now.

 

K: Are you a guide?

 

T:Yes.

 

K: Were you ready to transition when you did?

 

T: Yes. I was ready for freedom.

 

K: Do you see earth evolving or staying the same?

 

T: The earth has already evolved and heals Herself as we speak. It is humanity that is unable to keep up.

 

K: Because of?

 

T: Because of traditions, ways of being passed on through the centuries without seeing that there are higher ways. Humanity suppresses itself. This is a choice. Only a few have the vision to make productive change. This, we can now see happening.

 

K: I know that you want to shed light on the past but is there anything that you have to shed some awareness on the future?

 

T: Only by forgiveness can humanity rise. Only by love of Self can humanity forgive. Life does not continue by residing in the past. The way a person acts and behaves now has more to do with loving what is inside. For this is where healing takes place.

 

K: The apology that was made by the Canadian government…

 

T: Was the first step but it is only up to the ones that continue to linger in resentment to accept these words and move on. Sometimes it is easier to stay in the dark than to open to the light.

 

K: The reserves that the Aboriginal people live on…you just showed me a picture so I have to ask your thoughts on this.

 

T: It is only to continue segregation/separation when it is integration that will allow healing. It only perpetuates the cycles of the past.

 

K: But some choose to stay in those communities so the culture isn’t forgotten.

 

T: And this is a choice on their part. Communities can still support each other within a country of oneness; within a world of oneness.

 

K: So not just in Canada but globally.

 

T: Yes. One does not need to retain borders to hold onto individuality. It is the incorporation of differences that creates beauty in diversity.

 

K: Many of the Aboriginal people of Canada, because I don’t know much about the other countries, converted to Christianity.

 

T: It is because they found the love of Christ. It is more about the man that was Jesus than the religion. He heals the sick and suffering. They found healing through his presence and his words.

 

K: And you?

 

T: I have found my healing through helping in higher ways, through spirit and through my ancestors; those who have come before me. I haven’t lost who I was. I only gained what I could not be on earth.

 

K: Would you like me to share this?

 

T: This is why I have come forth; so my message of forgiveness can be read and taken to heart from someone who had everything to forgive. They tried to erase who I was but who I was I will be for eternity.

 

K: Are you happier…I guess, with the way you were taken from what you knew; how you lived?

 

T: I suppose if I was taken as an older child, I may have endured a worse fate. It happened how it was meant to. I have no regrets, only a deeper understanding of those times. It wasn’t for me to understand as I lived it; only to experience it as I did. Those that would look at my picture have questions that stir in their minds about those times. Yes, it was awful and sometimes unimaginable or unthinkable. I only hope that my words give some answers and what can happen when there is opportunity to move forward from darkness. It doesn’t always have to involve the death of the human form. It can happen when there is life. Back when the photo was taken, I was the picture of reform. Now I wish to be the picture of a new day, of forgiveness and of a unified world that can come out of the ashes unscathed.

 

K: Thank you Thomas. I hope that this isn’t the only time we’ll talk. I hope that we can speak again. I’m happy we stayed clear of the abuse. I have trouble hearing those kinds of things.

 

T: Yes. I know. It is better to introduce each other in advance of these questions and answers. It happened but the abuse has not continued with me. Only transcended. As the Spirit of a people still can.

 

K: Thank you so much. I’ll share your words. I think that their purpose was so people can stop dwelling in being a victim and become their own hero. I don’t speak just about the Aboriginal people but for all people that have suffered by the hands of another.

 

T: Yes. I thank you for taking the time to visit with me. I know you have been feeling unwell. I wish you abundant health in these times of new unfolding for you.

 

K: Thanks. It’s funny, I was feeling okay while you were with me and now that you’re ready to go, I’m feeling a little more under the weather. (Have a cold.)

 

T: This will not last long. Good bye Kimberly.

 

K: Bye Thomas.

 

 

 

Conversation with Paul Walker – Talking About God

 

February 6, 2016

 

 

This chat was fun. He’s so fun. I’m sure everyone that knew him was well aware that this man was very special. We’re talking God today and he’s just in jeans and a light blue t-shirt. He’s sitting on a chair while I’m sitting at my desk. He’s always so casual. Here we go.

 

P: Yes, and we’re back. How are you Kim?

 

K: I’m doing very well. Thank you. How are you?

 

P: I am excellent. Just hanging out. Get those other voices out of your head. I’m tired of competing with them.

 

K: You don’t have to compete with anyone.

 

P: Uh…did we not have this discussion already this morning?

 

K: Yes, we did. I’m all ears….and brain…I guess.

 

P: Excellent. Did you want to bring him in today?

 

K: I’m tempted but I think I have to have those conversations in a better place than work.

 

P: No problem. God take two?

 

K: Is that where you want to go?

 

P: Well you asked and I think it’s one of those talks that people want to have but kind of sweep it under the rug because it’s too controversial or judged or…there’s so many differences of opinion on the matter.

 

K: But do you want to take some time to explain it in your view or do you want to call people out on what or how they choose to believe?

 

P: Never. I would never do that. Not my business. Go get your book Kim. Come on.

 

K: Done. We did talk about this before so are we just rehashing.

 

P: A little bit but I’m willing to put it out there. I don’t think it’s a topic that people need to be shy about. It’s religion right? It gets all messed up in Religion.

 

K: So now you have a problem with Religion?

 

P: Nope. None. Zip. It’s personal. How people perceive a higher power is a deeply personal experience.

 

K: Yes. Agreed. So we started this conversation with me accusing you of following me and then you said…

 

P: I am following you.

 

K: There are skeptics out there.

 

P: Let ‘em. We’ve talked about this.

 

K: You want to rehash this too?

 

P: Skeptics is like a broken record. Everyone has skeptics. It’s not just in certain areas. Everyone has to have their opinions but that’s just it. It’s their opinion. It’s like dating…

 

K: Uh oh.

 

P: Let me finish. It’s like dating and you tell your friends, ‘Yeah, I met this really awesome girl. We’re starting to hang out.’ And they’re like ‘Oooo, her?’

 

K: (laughing)

 

P: Skeptical of your friend’s girl.

 

K: We’re really off topic.

 

P: Okay. God.

 

K: You said for people, it’s conceptual.

 

P: Yes.

 

K: Go on.

 

P: It’s like this being or some guy in the sky that runs the show. Usually a he and he directs what happens. Like ‘That wasn’t good, you’re out.’ Or ‘You can stay, you followed the rules.’ Right?

 

K: Yes. So what are you going to say?

 

P: It’s not that.

 

K: At all?

 

P: Maybe like a grain of sand of truth but not really. Not at all.

 

K: Okay, so then what is it for you?

 

P: Deeply personal. When I was alive I would think in terms of someone like that but it is so much bigger and it is so much more personal. I was given a lot. I led a very cool existence. I was given a lot of opportunities that some others didn’t get. Did that make me better in the eyes of some being? No. I was living the story I chose.

 

K: But you didn’t see that while you lived.

 

P: Not in that way but I did realize that I had a lot of good things going for me and I was very thankful. Did I say thank you to God. Sure. Did I worship a God. Not in the sense that someone going to church was. Did I practice a religion to worship God. Not diligently but that person, that old guy in the sky, I definitely said thank you to. It was a private thing.

 

K: Wow. Okay so now?

 

P: You’ve heard that it’s He/She. There’s no gender but even that…I mean, you take your beliefs with you when you get here. I thought of a He and that’s what I experience here.

 

K: A continual thing? Not just a once in a while high five to Source Creator?

 

P: No. It’s constant. And I know there are the scientists and I know there are the Atheist but…(he points to some sort of audience.) you wait. You’ll see. What about you? You’ve told me before but tell them.

 

K: Well, I believe in an energy. A Creative Source. I do catch myself saying He a lot but it’s only because I was raised that way but when I say my prayers in the morning it’s Mother Father god. I believe in…

 

P: I feel you. Like all encompassing.

 

K: Yes. It is very difficult to define but, like I told you before, I think of it as something so huge that It’s the Universe(s) and yet something so small that It lives in your heart.

 

P: Bingo.

 

K: Did you just say bingo?

 

P: Because that’s not okay?

 

K: Just unexpected.

 

P: Right on?

 

K: Okay. What else. I’m going to interrupt and just say that I love, when you think of her, you show me rainbows. So sweet.

 

P: I just love her so much. It makes me glow.

 

K: I know. So sweet. So, when we were talking about this before, I could sense that you were getting frustrated because you couldn’t find the words to describe it.

 

P: The words don’t do it justice. There are no words because it’s all words. It’s everything. It’s so huge.

 

 

He holds out his arms really big.

 

 

K: Do you think we could ever understand the topic here?

 

P: Yes but it would be very limited then to actually experience it. Look at you asking the tough questions.

 

K: Only because we’ve talked about it before.

 

P: Cheater.

 

K: Sue me. Expand on limited.

 

P: Yes, there would have to be a lot of misconceptions dropped but for some people, those misconceptions are the base of how they worship and what they believe so it would be like pulling the rug out from under them. It would be scary because, with the ones that are very devotional, it’s an extension of them personally. It makes them who they are without realizing that it is already who they are. They don’t have to aspire to greatness to please God. People are already great.

 

K: So the human perception of God is okay.

 

P: If you don’t use it as an excuse to be better than someone, I say go hard. But there’s no right or wrong way to think of God. One, because you really have no clue and Two, there’s no right or wrong. There just is.

 

K: I was waiting for you to say that. That’s my line.

 

P: See, I think we’re really getting somewhere. We’re starting to steal each other’s words. It’s a race who can talk faster.

 

K: No fair because I have to record these and you can just talk. Which you’re good at.

 

P: I’m not sure how to take that.

 

K: I told you this morning how I would just love to sit and…

 

P: Shoot the shit?

 

K: Yes. You have an incredible friendly magnetic personality. Especially when you get going.

 

P: Thank you. Wise?

 

K: Okay…onward.

 

P: Nice (sarcasm)

 

K: Obviously, for all intents and purposes, you’re wise. Look where you are.

 

P: Doesn’t mean I’m separate.

 

K: I’m starting to understand that. So, the last time we were on this subject you gave me that feeling of the heart just opening and expanding and it wanted to make me cry…don’t you dare!

 

P: Have some fun.

 

K: That feeling you gave me.

 

P: Like placing the most amazing food on your tongue for a split second and saying no more while you pull it away. It barely touches the experience of what God is. It’s…every joyful feeling you have ever had and feeling it at the same time. Unreal.

 

K: I think I’d explode.

 

P: Yeah. You probably would. Just because the physical can’t take that much at once.

 

K: And the Spiritual.

 

 

He shows me a plant in the sun and it grows fast and big.

 

 

K: So it’s like the sun to a plant.

 

P: In fast ways. Growth happens very quickly here.

 

K: For everyone?

 

P: For those that want it.

 

K: Huh. You talked about feeling proud.

 

P: Just adding to what I just said about all that feeling.

 

K: Got it. So to recap. God is not limited and isn’t religious.

 

P: Yep. What did you say once to your friend? All roads lead to the same home.

 

K: Same place.

 

P: Same ending.

 

K: Or same beginning.

 

P: We could do this all day.

 

K: We could. Anything else?

 

P: I’m happy we could do this.

 

K: Yes. I agree. Thanks for the chat this morning.

 

P: Wait till they see who I want to talk to. He’s hanging around. You’ve seen him.

 

K: Don’t you dare.

 

P: Hey people! Tell Kim you want more!

 

K: I knew you were going to do that.

 

P: You’re going to put it to words.

 

K: I can’t delete it. I promised word for word and respect.

 

P: Hey people! Tell Kim you want more!

 

K: Are we closing?

 

P: Yes. Thanks for the company. Thanks everyone out there for connecting with me like this. It’s new for me too so I just want to say hi to all of you and thanks for thinking of me and keeping me alive. I feel it. You have no idea. Bye Kim. See you…call me.

 

K: I can never call first because you’re always the first to call.

 

P: Bye.

 

K: Bye.

 

 

 

 

 

Conversations with Christine Chubbuck

 

February 10, 2016

 

 

I guess I should set the stage. I didn’t know about this story. I only saw an article because of films coming out based on what she went through. Today I had the honor of speaking with Christine Chubbuck. I distinctly remember reading the article then looking at her picture and asking her what she was thinking. She surprisingly answered me and for the last couple of weeks she’s been introducing herself. Today she offered a small conversation on that exact topic. Thanks again, Christine. You were a great experience.

 

K: You called? (Addressing Paul and he has a woman with him.)

 

P: How are you Kim?

 

K: I’m doing pretty good today. How are you? I see you have a guest with you. I don’t believe this is the first time we’ve met.

 

P: No. I don’t think so either. Kim, Christine. Christine, Kim.

 

K: Hi Christine. How are you today?

 

C: I’m well today. Thanks for answering.

 

K: You look so happy.

 

C: I am happy. I’m very happy.

 

K: So is this connection based on something else?

 

C: We connected that afternoon I spoke to you when you were browsing the article of my story.

 

K: (Chuckling) I’m starting to think that’s how I’m inviting you guys in.

 

C: I would have to agree on that.

 

K: Okay, so the back story is, I was reading an article about what happened to you because I guess there’s a couple of movies coming out on your death or whatever. I don’t know anything about the movies. I decided against looking them up because the article explained enough. Did you want to tell me, yourself, how you died?

 

C: I decided to take my own life. It didn’t go as planned. I don’t think it ever truly does. I ended up shooting myself on television.

 

K: So when I looked at your picture I asked what you were thinking. Your voice was so loud it was almost unbelievable. I guess I’m going to repeat that question. What were you thinking?

 

C: At that point, I wasn’t thinking. I was numb. For me, the decision had been made before that day that I would do this. It wasn’t a last minute mental break down decision. Mentally, I was having constant break downs although most of the time they were internal.

 

K: So no one knew the extent of how much you were struggling or they didn’t think you were struggling so much that you would take your own life?

 

C: I think there was always a thought, especially with my parents, that I would commit suicide but I don’t think anyone believed that I would do it the way I did. The cameras were not supposed to be rolling at that time but I had made the decision to do it and cameras or not, I was ready to go.

 

K: I don’t think anyone could really understand what would drive someone to do something like that but you said you weren’t thinking. Was it almost like an autopilot moment?

 

C: Very much so. It was very…quiet in my mind for the first time since I was small.

 

K: You’re giving me the word methodical?

 

C: I was detached from my actions but my actions were methodical yes. I knew where the gun was, I knew where I wanted it, and I knew that I was pulling the trigger. I understand that this isn’t easy for you to channel. I simply wanted the opportunity to explain. There are many many people that judge my actions as horrible and disgusting. How could I do that to my family; to my friends? My grandmother always watched on the television. What was I thinking? I can honestly tell you I was not. Not anymore. I didn’t want to think anymore.

 

K: So you suffered from some sort of depression.

 

C: Caused by disorders that I couldn’t control.

 

K: You’re showing me a split…bipolar?

 

C: Yes.

 

K: Did you seek help?

 

C: At that time, the help that I obtained could only do so much. Now, it’s something people talk about and there are better treatments. I must commend my family for all they offered me. They loved me very much and spared no expense for trying to help me as best as the medical professions knew how to at that time.

 

K: Did any of the treatments work?

 

C: Yes. Some were very helpful. It was a rollercoaster ride. A mental rollercoaster ride but, when I decided I had had enough, the ride was constantly a mental free fall. I was plummeting all the time. There were no plateaus. There were only great falls.

 

K: Did you not want to seek more help or did you think it was going to be this never ending cycle?

 

C: It wasn’t a cycle anymore. It was just never ending. I was tired of pretending to be this woman on the outside when on the inside, every single day was turning into a struggle. I was drowning in trying to keep face; to portray an image that I didn’t have inside.

 

K: How do you feel about the movies?

 

C: The sensationalism of my death only hurts the ones that had to endure it. My family has to suffer all over again. I never understood people’s addiction to making one’s life sensationalized on the screen for everyone to see and believe and yet what they see on the screen is nothing like what I endured. My struggles, although some knew about them, were very private.

 

K: So you didn’t end your life on television for show?

 

C: Absolutely not. As I said before, it was intended not to be on the television.

 

K: I feel frustration when I ask about the movies.

 

C: Yes. How does someone’s struggles and death become entertainment?

 

K: Sadly, I don’t think yours is the only one Christine. I am sorry about that. I would have to say that the entertainment industry will try to glorify things for profit instead of truth these days.

 

P: Is that your professional opinion, Kim?

 

K: I just think that the entertainment industry is running out of steam, steam meaning new creative ideas, and has to profit, sometimes, from situations in this world that need to be prayed about and loved instead of dramatized for profit. That’s just my personal input. I don’t mean to offend anyone but are people, those that watch the story of Christine, supposed to learn something?

 

C: I don’t think the movies are for educational purposes. (She’s laughing)

 

K: You didn’t die right away. I think that your family would wonder if you suffered. Is there something you would like to tell them in regards to that?

 

C: I didn’t suffer. I wasn’t in pain. My physical body just didn’t die right away. I had already left my body. I was with my family, not physically, but in spirit, I guess you could say.

 

K: So you were able to see the reactions of everyone after you had done what you did?

 

C: After I shot myself? It was in the hospital that I…left I guess. My physical body.

 

K: Wow. I’m feeling so much right now. Thank you for not showing me…well…you know.

 

C: I don’t think you need to see things like that when you’re trying to give us a voice.

 

K: Your parents?

 

C: I think the stress of what I was going through ultimately made things difficult for them. I internalized that guilt as well. I felt that it was my fault, in many ways, that they had to work so hard to try and fix me. I wished their efforts had better results.

 

K: I can imagine.

 

C: I didn’t decide to take my life because it would hurt many. People would say that suicide is selfish. There are many thoughts on the subject and I’m not here to create a debate. I just had no more rope.

 

K: Was there a will to try more?

 

C: No. In my case anyway, I cannot speak for all people who take their life, in my case my will to try to continue my life was…well…it had died. I wasn’t able to find a way to live that was one hundred percent me. I was conflicted constantly. I fought with my mental and emotional…I guess awareness, daily. Minute by minute it became a struggle. A constant fight; a constant war. I think that those living with these states of depression or mental angst can understand that. Not enough to take their own life but can understand that no one could really understand what they are going through on a minute to minute basis. It needs to be talked about. I felt shame. There were times I felt that I should be able to overcome this. I had tremendous guilt that I couldn’t with all the help that was offered to me. I was angry with myself for not being able to overcome this….thing in my mind that would fight with me. I felt no one could really understand me when I couldn’t even understand myself.

 

K: What was it like when you crossed over?

 

C: I needed some time to heal. I was met by so much love. I was met with a great reunion but I did have to pull back and heal. I had a lot of guilt that I needed to work through but I didn’t have to do it myself. My struggles when I was alive, I needed to understand the why’s and the why not’s and heal from that.

 

K: Do you think you have?

 

C: Yes. It’s been a long time. (She smiles) I should hope I’ve done some work.

 

K: How do you feel about your choices now? Do you have regrets?

 

C: I regret the pain and confusion that I caused my family and friends but I also understand that it was a choice that I made at that time and I’ve forgiven myself for it. I don’t want to say that suicide is meant to be. Most times, it isn’t and it is not an escape because I still had to learn those lessons here. It’s just in different ways.

 

K: And for those that decide to watch your movies?

 

C: As well intentioned as those that made the movies may or may not have been… take it with a grain of salt. What you see on the screen cannot touch the reality of what she went through when she lived. (She speaks of herself in the third person. She reminded me later that she isn’t the same person, obviously, anymore.)

 

K: Paul?

 

P: Yeah?

 

K: Anything?

 

P: Nope. Thanks Christine. I know you’ve wanted a chance to speak.

 

C: Thank you so much for allowing me to come. I appreciate the time. I hope that I’ve given some insight into the questions that people might have.

 

K: Thank you so much Christine. I really appreciate you showing yourself to me. You’re very sweet and beautiful. I get the feeling that when you lived you were very loved and liked.

 

C: Thank you. I’d like to think I was. (She laughs. She has a great laugh) Thank you.

 

K: Take care. Bye Paul.

 

P: Bye. We’ll talk later hey?

 

K: Of course.

 

 

 

 

Conversations with Tupac Shakur

 

February 22, 2016

 

 

When it came to speaking with Tupac I can honestly tell you that when he wants to talk he wants to talk and right now. I had to ask him to give me a couple minutes and put my foot down. He has something to say and gosh darn it he’s going to say it. He’s not even leaving my side until I have this up. He wears a bandana on his head and he’s in a white t-shirt with a red basketball jersey overtop. He’s got baggy blue jeans but no gold chains or anything. He’s very animated with his hands when he talks and he gets extremely passionate at times. I was a little apprehensive doing this one but I’m so glad I did. I don’t listen to rap music so the fact that he came in was surprising. I know one song of his.

 

 

K: I have to be honest and tell you this is very weird for me.

 

T: But you doin’ it.

 

K: I am. Nice to meet you. I’m sorry, I don’t know much about you or your career but when you first appeared to me, I guess a couple of months ago, I was a little shocked.

 

T: It’s all good. We’re good.

 

K: How are you doing? It’s been awhile since your passing. I did do a little reading before I started this channel. I was surprised by some of the things that I read. God knows if they’re true because it is the internet.

 

T: (Smiles and rubs his chin with is finger.) I didn’t have much to hide. The more attention I got, the better I was. It was the game of fame.

 

K: The game of fame. I like that. So, you were West Coast? Whatever that term means.

 

T: I was.

 

K: And there are all these stories about east and west coast and the fights and struggles between these people in regards to…can I say rap world?

 

T: Yeah. The music of that time perpetuated the belief in the separation and that one side was better than the other but it was more than the rap culture. It was a gang mentality.

 

K: And you were part of that?

 

T: Yeah. I played on that. It was part of who I was.

 

K: You were raised, ugh, how do I say this? You were raised in the African American culture.

 

T: Black.

 

K: I didn’t want to state it that way but since you are…

 

T: My family believed in black culture. They believed in staying true to your roots and who you were born to be. There was white supremacy and there was black supremacy. I was born to that culture and it came out in my life and in my music. It was what I knew and it was what I was taught.

 

K: Would you say you were brain washed to believe that color was supposed to remain separate?

 

T: That whole time was full of brain washing. Listen to the music of that time. It wasn’t peace and love. It was my gang vs. your gang and it was mostly about race. There was a war at that time. We wanted to define who we were. Unfortunately it caused intolerance. Hate was a predominant message in west coast/east coast music. I delivered some of those messages. I was wrapped up in the split.

 

K: Do you see that continuing?

 

T: Yeah. There continues to be intolerance and a brutality in race that goes so deep it’s repressive. It’s anger and it’s misunderstanding and it’s a way of life that some people can’t rise out of because my people continue to be suppressed and unable to rise above circumstances that they were born into because of color and race.

 

K: Do you feel that if you were able to still make your music here on earth that it would still have the same message as it once did. People still listen to your music. You are a legend of that time. Not all of it was hateful. Some are excellent party tunes.

 

 

He laughs because we are from two different worlds. Tunes? Not his language

 

 

T: Thank you. I would still be West Coast. The industry liked the fight in that. It was a selling point. The labels and the people I lived and worked around took that shit and ran with it. My face was west coast. My followers were west coast. I would still be that. But, the war would be to a lesser extent. I think that the violence that this separation had goin’ on has weakened where brothers can come together from both sides and be okay with that. It’s still there. There is still that deep wound but I see there are people who are facilitating the coming together of brothers instead of wedging us further apart.

 

K: You still talk like you’re heavily involved here. Do you help in that way?

 

T: My death was stupid. People thought it was an act of war. People thought the scales had to be evened and so another brother was shot. This continues to this day. I give my energy to these situations for peace because I can see what has happened and I can see what can happen when working for a bigger cause than brother against brother. I can see what an outcome can be if people fought for people.

 

K: What about your thoughts on black supremacy? Has that changed?

 

T: It’s a people supremacy now. I can only see people and I wish brothers and sisters of all race; of all color, could see that too. We need to start lovin’ each other instead of blamin’ each other for what’s happening in our world. I give myself to that cause. I was outspoken when I lived about remaining separate. I am outspoken in Spirit of a reunion.

 

K: Reunion of all?

 

T: Yes. A reunion of all.

 

K: Do you think that you were on earth to show how drastic a racial situation could get in the eyes of the public? I mean, this wasn’t a private gang fight. This was in the world of rap music. I don’t know a lot about rap music. Sorry. I know I like some of it but I also know that some of it is way too hard to listen to because of the messages it gives.

 

T: Yeah. Rap is smart. The old rap music…that had powerful messages of rising up. It was about being proud of who you were in this world as a man. It was smart. It was about the lyrics and how you could work a story that a person could relate to. Then it all got them vs. us. And it started a war within the industry that was paid for by those who ran the shows. It’s the same as wars between countries. It’s paid for by people who control the money. In my world, it just put a face; a voice to gang violence when, in the beginning, it was about being proud of who you were and spreading that love. You know what I’m sayin’?

 

K: I do. I really do. That old school rap I remember when I was young. It was fun.

 

T: Yeah. It was fun. To listen to that just made a person smile and say ‘yeah man’. Then it got angry. I was angry.

 

K: Did you really believe that east vs. west coast stuff?

 

T: I preached it because it fed me in a way that made me a king.

 

K: Ah. Understood. Did you answer to a higher power?

 

T: Yes.

 

K: And did you think that if anything were to happen to you, there would be consequences to your actions?

 

T: (laughs) I dared death. I lived in a world where you couldn’t be scared of death. I lived in a place where you looked at a gun in your face and said ‘fuck that’ and drew your own gun. I owned that. I did not back down or run scared because if I did, I would lose face. I wasn’t puttin’ myself in any position to be the weaker man.

 

K: Would you say it took a weak man to do a drive by hit on someone?

 

T: It was the easy way. It was the way it was done. It still happens.

 

K: I’m so far removed from anything like this. I can’t relate to it. What about the kids who emulated you and the rest of those that lived in that world. Were you one of those kids?

 

T: I was raised to be a proud black man. Now, I see kids puttin’ themselves in that same situation. It only spreads the oppression and the hate. People got to get out of this mentality that one is better than the other. It goes both ways. It’s a power struggle. It’s a trip. There’s leaders on both sides that need to preach acceptance.

 

K: What about he said she said type stuff? Do you think a lot of the violence is assuming what others think and believe?

 

T: It’s a reaction. It’s a reaction to a look, a word. The assumptions only continue a cycle of separatism. No one sits down and talks anymore. It’s a media shit storm. No one sits face to face but sits screen to screen and assumes life. When I was around, it was a lot of rumor based anger. Someone says something to some other guy and then there’s a war based on hear-say. Now there’s wars based on typed words instead of coming together as a people. What the hell are people doing on this Twitter thing and fightin’ it out for the world to see? It only continues the miscommunication of a society to perpetuate the belief that we are unable to communicate. People need to start communicating on personal levels.

 

K: Do you find it frustrating?

 

T: Yeah. It’s frustrating for me. People have a gift of speech but it gets lost in blind words that don’t mean anything. Words mean something when told to a body. Words mean something when they are heard with an ear. What do you think music is? It is heard and it is felt. There is emotion there but again, it’s how it’s used. Like anything, what’s behind the words means the most. The intention behind the spoken word will make or break.

 

K: Were you a big communicator when you were here?

 

T: I was a messenger but my message, not always, but sometimes did more harm than good. Like I said, I was living in that moment and that’s what I knew. If I knew what I know now, from my views here, it would have been different.

 

K: Did you love?

 

T: Yeah. I loved. I love.

 

K: There were all these articles and theories about you and Notorious BIG were at odds. I’m sure you were. What about now?

 

T: (He shakes his head and smiles a little) Wallace’s my brother.

 

K: What about your murder and his?

 

T: Talking about it in the way it was, our relationship how it was on earth would only continue the story. It’s over. He’s my brother. I believe we were put together at odds to give a face to a situation that needed a voice and an understanding. I did that. He did that. Now it’s done. That’s all I can say. We rest in peace.

 

K: Are you at peace?

 

T: Yeah. I can do better here.

 

K: You are very loved here. People remember you and miss you.

 

T: I feel it. It was a culture. Was I leading it? I guess in a way I was but it was what it was.

 

K: Do you have a different message now? Or even then? Did you have a message you wanted to say but felt you couldn’t.

 

T: Unity. Maybe not so much when I lived but it has to be that. Unity.

 

K: How do you think we, as in us living here, are doing now?

 

T: Voices are raised. Voices speak. I would like to hear more about mutual understanding and respect than oppression.

 

K: Respect can be taken in many different ways. Sometimes when a person hears the word respect it’s from a place of power or bowing down to one.

 

T: Nah. That’s not respect. That’s inequality. I mean respect at a brother to brother level. No matter where you come from. We’re all sisters and brothers from the same father. God.

 

K: Wow. To hear that is amazing. Thanks for that.

 

T: We need to have an understanding of life and that love created life and we live together. We can only live together in respect for another’s differences because it’s what makes a person unique and doesn’t need to be put down. We need to live in an understanding of our differences that make us who we are as a people. It’s not color vs. color or race vs. race anymore. It’s human to human.

 

K: I love how you talk like you’re still here; like you still reside here.

 

T: I choose to lend myself to a cause of peace. Maybe that’s not how I’m remembered but that’s how I live.

 

K: Thank you Tupac. I’m pleasantly surprised.

 

T: Thank you. Thank you for sharing my message.

 

 

I’m laughing because as he leaves he’s playing California Love in my head. Probably because that’s the only song I know and as I type this he’s laughing. This man is an awesome man. He’s passionate. I appreciate that and I have a feeling he lived with passion here. Awesome chat.

 

 

 

 

Conversations with Robin Williams

 

February 23, 2016

 

 

I chose this picture because that’s how he was to me. He’s goofy. He’s sentimental and he’s also very honest. He told me of his presence before he showed himself. I was reading some forms and his name was on them. Then I tuned in and, although at times he went in all directions, he was very very cool to sit with for a while and have a really easy conversation with. He’s a class act. I’m glad he came in. It may seem like a short interview but I can say, without a doubt, I was with him for close to an hour.

 

 

K: Hello Robin.

 

R: Hello irishyogini aka Kimberly or is it the other way around. Stage names…what’s real?

 

K: Both?

 

R: That could be tough for people to follow. I’ll just call you what they all call you. Even that’s different. Kim, Kimmy, Kimberly, Mrs. Q.

 

K: No one calls me Mrs. Q.

 

R: Good. Mrs. Kimberly. How are you doing?

 

K: I’m very well thank you and I have a feeling you’re going to be running this.

 

R: I was never good at running. I like the bike.

 

K: You rode bikes did you?

 

R: Still do. I like it.

 

K: Well take it away. I follow and you lead because I don’t think I’ll be able to keep up for some reason.

 

R: Please. I’ll behave.

 

K: Promises promises.

 

R: I love this. I love when I can still talk to people. I love still using my voice.

 

K: Do many people hear you?

 

R: I can talk but I can’t make people listen.

 

K: Sure you can. We were all ears when you were here with us.

 

R: Aw shucks. I could’ve been president.

 

K: You could’ve I’m sure. Would you have liked that?

 

R: Well, I never played one but how hard could it be?

 

K: I’ll let you work that one out yourself. You look good.

 

R: I’ve been working out.

 

K: Seriously. You look great. I have to tell you, and I’ve wanted to tell you for a while now, that I absolutely love the film What Dreams May Come. It opened my eyes to so much that is possible when you cross over. I told Kelsey about it. I don’t know if she watched it yet but it brought me so much peace about death and where you go. I’d like to think it’s true. Is it true?

 

R: To an extent but even movies have their limits. I would have to say that it’s on the right track.

 

K: What would be different?

 

R: First thing would be the colors; the vibrancy. That movie depicted a lot of color and fantasy but it’s so much more.

 

K: I’m getting this feeling that you were always somewhat curious, yourself, about life after death.

 

R: Who wouldn’t? It’s the one question on people’s minds that can’t be answered.

 

K: Did it meet your expectations?

 

R: Oh yeah but I didn’t know what to expect so it was a win win for me.

 

K: Now, bear with me because I’m not totally sure but you explored darker roles in your later acting career right?

 

R: There were a couple. One I know that you are not a big fan of.

 

K: Uh…sorry, no. Why that one?

 

R: We all have a different side to us that’s worth exploring. It’s what some call a shadow side. Actors like to explore those areas and their ability to bring that to life. It’s uncomfortable for a reason. It’s because people haven’t accepted that…(Igor accent) evil twin that wants to come out.

 

K: Did exploring that side in your acting make you aware of your own shadow side?

 

R: Yes. It’s why I chose the roles. It was easier to explore that part of me in front of a camera because, in some ways, it was a story itself.

 

K: In Patch Adams you played a doctor that wanted to explore something more of a person than just the physicality of them. Was that something that you lived as well?

 

R: People get so serious. The more knowledge or more degrees on a wall leaves less room for fun. There’s a side of a person that needs humor and needs to laugh and this side of a person is magic. (Jazz hands and excitement.) It’s also that side that’s ignored because the earth is a serious place. People forget to laugh.

 

K: Did you think it was your job to help them with that?

 

R: It’s a bit why I started in the first place. I had this ability to be funny. It’s contagious but I ignored that darker part of me and it appeared in different ways whether I liked it or not. Nothing that is part of you can be ignored. It all comes out and sometimes it comes out in ways and behaviors that we dislike or we feel ashamed of. We have a tendency to cover that with substance abuse or depression because we don’t want to look at it.

 

K: Did you look at it?

 

R: For years I tried to cover it because it wasn’t me. I liked the funny guy that could make people laugh. I liked the guy that cared very much and neglected what he was feeling. That’s why I went exploring for darker ideas. It was a part of me that I needed to explore.

 

K: Do you think it was a cry for some sort of other attention than laughter?

 

R: Only from myself.

 

K: Conspiracy theories…

 

 

(He holds a magnifying glass up his eye and comes in really close)

 

 

R: Looking for the truth in a lie.

 

K: About your death.

 

R: It was a choice I made before I couldn’t make it.

 

K: Was it a tough decision for you?

 

R: No. I was literally losing my mind. My brain. It wasn’t functioning.

 

 

He stands and starts searching for something. He sticks his head in his shirt trying to find something. He mumbles ‘Where’s my brain? Have you seen my brain?’

 

 

K: (laughing) Sorry. I haven’t seen it.

 

R: I thought it was around here somewhere.

 

K: People assumed it was depression.

 

R: Why I died? That’s what many people assume when someone takes their life. I had depression. (He scoffs and shrugs) Who didn’t? That’s not why I made the choice to die.

 

K: You’re showing me control?

 

R: I wanted control over my life before I didn’t have control over it anymore. I wanted to control the outcome. People can make their own choices because they’re their own personal choices. I felt it would be almost better that way.

 

K: You’re showing me someone in a home/hospice? Medically speaking, is that what would have happened if you chose a different path.

 

R: Yes. I wouldn’t have been able to care for myself anymore and my family wouldn’t have been able to either.

 

K: Good enough.

 

R: Yes.

 

K: Your accomplishments.

 

R: (Standing and bowing) Thank you. Thank you.

 

K: Were you happy with what you did with your career?

 

R: Ecstatic (has a lisp)

 

K: Do you feel like you could do all you could do with your acting.

 

R: I kept it light, I dabbled in some dark. I had multiple personalities and I enjoyed it.

 

K: Oh God. People are going to think you had multiple personalities now.

 

R: My daemons only showed themselves with the camera on. (spooky laugh) In my professional life I gave it my all to be funny, to be comedic, to be dramatic. In my personal life I gave my all to love. I loved many people. They fed me in places that I couldn’t and when I got my diagnosis, I struggled with what I wanted to do. With what was best for me. I was living this diagnosis after sometimes years of struggling personally. I didn’t want to (Stands very patriotically and starts singing Climb Every Mountain from the Sound of Music. He has an excellent singing voice. Sits back down and crosses his legs, placing his hands on his knees like nothing happened.) climb mountains anymore. When I got the diagnosis, I knew I was tired. What more could I be given to handle or have someone else handle for me? These were my thoughts.

 

K: Wow.

 

R: Wow (mimics me.)

 

K: What was your favorite role?

 

R: Husband. Father.

 

K: Movie wise?

 

R: I had a special place in me for all of them because I chose roles to play that I could explore myself in. You talk to any actor and they might tell you the same thing. For me, though, it was my way of exploration.

 

K: Would you say you were an explorer of the human condition?

 

R: That’s very deep.

 

K: Well, it sounds like you kind of took that kind of role/stance, whatever you want to call it.

 

R: Okay. Sure but I really wanted those around me to be happy and those that watched what I did to smile. I had this need to lighten things up.

 

K: And the flip side?

 

R: Not something to be ignored.

 

K: Do you think a lot of people do try to hide that part of themselves that they feel isn’t acceptable or frightens them a little?

 

R: (Darth Vader impression) Come to the dark side, Luke Skywalker.

 

K: Can it be ignored forever?

 

R: There’s always that chance isn’t there?

 

K: In your opinion does it take a strong person to look at themselves honestly?

 

R: It takes a brave person to look at that and say, ‘hey, that’s okay.’ It’s not something to apologize for or feel shame for. Take it from someone who lived it for a time. It’s not shameful to say ‘I’m depressed. I’m struggling. I think I could use a friend.’ Outlets are good. Outlets get a person to get to know themselves better.

 

K: Those you left when you died…do you think they understood?

 

R: Not entirely but who does? It’s not only suicide but sudden death has that…getting closure is difficult when you can’t say goodbye in any sort of sudden death situation.

 

K: I know you said your goodbyes in your own way. You’re showing me your family.

 

R: In my private family way. In my way.

 

K: Did you ever have that ‘why me’ moment?

 

R: (drops to his knees and cries why me) I had my moments but I had this need to control my outcomes.

 

K: Obviously. I only say that because of what you’re saying and showing. Do you come back and visit people?

 

R: I do. I wanted the physical suffering to end. I didn’t intend to end relationships and in a way, before I left, I knew that I wouldn’t. I try to make people see that, especially my children, my wife and my close friends and colleagues. I physically decided to leave. The most important parts of me are still around.

 

K: That is very beautifully put.

 

R: Look at me. I’m a poet. (Smiling proudly)

 

K: Do you think you inspired people to laugh and take life a little less seriously then they did or do?

 

R: If I didn’t I didn’t do my job. I hope I did. I like, when people think of me as I was on earth, that they smile.

 

 

(He’s singing Annie. You’re never fully dressed without a smile)

 

 

R: I didn’t consider death an ending because I knew better.

 

K: You’re preaching to the choir.

 

 

(Stands and starts preaching)

 

 

K: I don’t think of endings either but I haven’t experienced it in a way, let’s say, your children have so it’s easy for me to say that experiencing what I am now…

 

 

(Mimics the Sixth Sense kid and says something about seeing dead people.)

 

 

K: …but I don’t know how I’d feel when death, whatever way shape or form, shows itself for me. I’ve heard that from many people that they are okay with death but until then, who knows.

 

R: It’s the unknown of it.

 

K: Right. Thank you. Thank you so much for talking with me for the last few days and showing me that you were around today. Thanks for giving me the chance to share your message and the chat. I’ve been a little bombarded lately so I apologize that this couldn’t happen right away.

 

 

I hear the Jackson 5 singing ‘I’ll Be There’.

 

 

K: For real?

 

R: It’s easy to talk to anyone. Just call them. Talk to us. We’ll hear you because we’re still around. Thank you Kimberly.

 

K: Thank you Robin. Take care.

 

 

 

Conversations with Princess Diana and Paul Walker

 

March 3, 2016

 

 

I didn’t expect to do this when I did. I’ve seen her a lot lately and I just decided to talk. It was after supper and I was in my bedroom and as soon as I called and invited her in, my kids came in with toys and books and asked if they could be with me. I said sure but they had to stay quiet because I was working. They sometimes bicker, as all kids do, but as I conversed with Paul and Diana they got along and shared toys and were picture perfect. It was a great experience. She came to me as Princess Diana but I can’t explain how huge her energy is. It would compare with what I feel when I speak with angels or my Council of Light; even Mother Mary. It was amazing. I was surprised that Paul felt the same way. I kind of assumed once you crossed over a person would just be used to it. I think he was a little star struck. Her presence was unreal. Anyway. That sets the stage. This is dedicated to my princesses out there; young and old.

 

 

P: Holy, busy household. You’re running off your feet.

 

K: Always. You look nice. (He’s wearing a button down white shirt with khaki pants.)

 

P: Thanks.

 

K: This is surreal.

 

P: Tell me about it.

 

K: Why are you so quiet?

 

 

Diana comes in. She’s wearing a white silky blouse with tan slacks and her hair is that short style that she wore that looks so awesome. She looks like an angel. She sits in a dark leather chair and crosses her legs.

 

 

K: Hi, oh boy…I don’t know what to call you.

 

D: Diana is fine.

 

K: Princess? Lady?

 

D: I don’t require a title here. You can call me Diana.

 

K: I’m a little lost for words. I’ve been thinking about this meeting for a few days and now that it’s actually here, I’m a little unsure of what to ask you.

 

D: It’s quite alright. Thank you for taking the time to talk to me.

 

K: You’ve come in so strongly. I’m really honored.

 

D: I enjoy doing these types of things. I’ve never been one to shy away from those who would like to speak with me. I’m aware of the interest in who I was and my story. It wasn’t hard to notice me since I always seemed to have a camera in my face. I suppose, because of who I was, people needed to know so much. It’s only when I came here that I was more comfortable with such things because I have nothing to hide.

 

P: As people being in the spot light, you crave some sort of normalcy but here, it’s different. It’s like, for me personally, I’d like to show this side of who I am because it’s really not a secret.

 

D: Yes. It’s easier to open yourself up in these ways. It’s not such a burden.

 

K: Privacy was a big thing for you, hey?

 

D: Very much so. It’s difficult living in the public eye. Even though I agreed to be that person; a princess and part of an extremely high profile family, it was still very much a challenge to remain me.

 

K: I have to ask this first. What do you think of Prince William’s wife, Kate?

 

 

She smiles very big and laughs in joy.

 

 

D: Perfect. She really is perfect. I care a great deal for her.

 

K: Did you know that Catherine/Kate would be ‘it’ for him?

 

D: I had a very good idea.

 

K: And when he proposed, how did you feel?

 

D: A big sigh of relief. I desperately need my sons to be taken care of and I know, I’ve always known, that she would take care of my William.

 

K: Do you believe Harry will find the same kind of love?

 

 

She smiles mischievously and places her cheek against a thumb and pointer finger in a relaxed way.

 

 

D: Harry is Harry. He always has been. He’ll do what he wants when he wants in regards to relationships.

 

K: When you were to marry Charles…I’ve often wondered if it was what you wanted; really wanted.

 

D: I was petrified. It was very quick. We were both quietly pushed. It was a fine match.

 

K: Did you have doubts?

 

D: I did.

 

K: Why do you think you came into the family? The royal family I mean?

 

D: I would have to say it was like a Breeder’s Cup in a way.

 

 

I cringed because I thought she would say that and I had trouble transcribing it.

 

 

D: In the beginning. Ultimately I was there to change the face of a monarchy that was archaic. It wasn’t until the birth of my children that I knew the way it was wouldn’t work for me. I had duties. But, much to some disappointment, my boys were my first priority.

 

P: You say you were to change the face of the monarchy but do you think you were able to do that while you were married?

 

D: In some ways. I learned, and it was very difficult to do so, that I had a voice. I had things to say and within the confines of a title I wore, I could say them and people would actually listen.

 

K: You are iconic.

 

 

She grins.

 

 

K: Seriously though. You will never ever be forgotten. How does that make you feel?

 

D: I would only hope that people remember what I was trying to achieve and not that I wore beautiful clothing or lived among royals. It was important for me to give a voice to causes that were extremely important.

 

P: That whole landmine thing…(he whistles) You had guts.

 

D: I didn’t worry. I was safe but that’s the point isn’t it. Because I went in there and showed people around the world that these things existed and were very real, people began to take notice. A princess looking for landmines was never done but it needed to be done.

 

K: I remember a long time ago, you took a child into your arms, I think it was Africa, and this child had HIV or AIDS and a lot of people were shocked because here you were in Africa, holding a child with a disease that was spreading. I mean…you made sure to really experience your causes and the people.

 

D: No one can bring change to a situation by looking from the outside in. If people want change they must start by getting in the thick of it. Experience situations, learn as much as you can so then you can speak freely and confidently for those who don’t have a voice. It was extremely important for me to showcase those causes that others turned away from. In this way, I gave a voice to those who couldn’t speak.

 

K: Harry’s cause with the veterans…

 

 

She brings her hand to her heart.

 

 

D: I couldn’t be more honored he’s my son. Again, he’s bringing awareness to these individuals who seem to have been used and forgotten. All life serves a purpose. No one needs to be forgotten especially those hurt or injured because of a war they were told to fight.

 

P: I love your passion. Do you still work for those causes you gave your voice to while you lived?

 

D: I give them my love. They were very important to me and their importance has not diminished.

 

K: The rules about the paparazzi now. Do you think it was too little too late?

 

D: Yes. I think there needed to be boundaries when I lived. I was desperate to maintain some sort of privacy. Not only for me but I wanted to raise my boys as normal as possible. Cameras everywhere made it next to impossible at times. It became frustrating.

 

K: Do you think it ultimately was the cause of your death? The lack of boundaries?

 

D: Yes.

 

P: I know, when I got into that car, I had no idea that that day I would die. Did you think that, on that ride, something was going to happen?

 

D: That evening, it was more difficult to drive away. For some reason, that evening, it became chaotic very quickly. I knew something could happen but I didn’t think it would turn into life or death so quickly.

 

K: I know when I read the headlines; I thought it must have been a joke. It was this news that was so unbelievable because, to me, there’s no way it could be you.

 

D: Many felt that way.

 

P: What did you think of the funeral?

 

D: It was meant to be. There were many that needed that closure. There were many that needed to see that casket and say goodbye and every goodbye that was said, I took with me. Isn’t it something that the most honest emotions that people feel for someone is when they are no longer there?

 

K: The Queen really showed she cared about you. No matter what the rumors were.

 

D: I believe, through everything, she really did care for me. I cared for her. I respected her and what she did on a daily basis. She is very dedicated to what she does even if she can’t show it very often. I have much respect for her.

 

K: Do you think the monarchy needed a face lift?

 

D: Yes. You cannot stay in old ways forever. The world is changing quickly and I think that the Royal Family really needed to look at where they were and where they were going. I do believe that instead of the matchmaking that was going on, people can engage in loving relationships.

 

K: Grandkids?

 

D: Perfect.

 

K: Do you think William and Kate will have more?

 

D: Possibly (Very slyly spoken)

 

K: They have a very hands on approach to their parenting it seems.

 

D: Yes. It’s one of those things I hoped I instilled in him.

 

P: I think you did it. Do you think you were somewhat of an example of raising kids differently in that kind of life?

 

D: I’d like to think so. I didn’t have children to produce only heirs. Children need love and nurturing and I wanted to be the one to give that to them.

 

K: Your relationship with Dodi? Was it the real deal? Could you have been married again?

 

D: (smirking and biting her lip) He was my second chance. I love him very much.

 

K: What do you think of earth now?

 

 

Takes a breath and sits back. Pauses before speaking.

 

 

D: There is much change now that will benefit the earth on all levels. It’s very difficult to see right now. Right now, it seems very chaotic with no way out but I feel there are many people coming forward who will follow in some big footsteps of peace. The chaos is not meant to last forever so it would be important for people to understand that.

 

P: I agree. It’s what it is right now. I look at it with a sense of detachment because I know there are good days ahead.

 

D: Yes. I believe there is.

 

K: Is John Travolta a really good dancer?

 

 

Giggling

 

 

D: He is.

 

K: What was that moment like?

 

D: A defining moment of what it was like to just have fun. As in life, a good dance partner can make all the difference. Can you dance? (She addresses Paul)

 

P: (Rubs his hands on his thighs) You’d have to ask people that saw it.

 

K: Come on. You can dance.

 

P: (Rubs his chin. I don’t think he’s going to admit anything like that to me.) Maybe a little but I’m not saying well.

 

D: I met many people that changed the way I looked at life.

 

 

She shows me Mother Theresa.

 

 

K: Did you meet her?

 

D: I did. She was the very definition of compassion and love. She loved deeply, sometimes forgetting herself but it never affected her. She really lived to be helpful. I would like to think I followed a little bit of her example to this world.

 

K: Oh, I think you did.

 

D: I was awed by her. I was humbled in her presence.

 

P: I call my daughter princess but while talking with you, my definition is changing. How would you define ‘Princess’?

 

 

Pauses and thinks for a second.

 

 

D: It’s lovely to ride in carriages and wear beautiful crowns and jewels. It’s the glamorous side of it. But when you wear the title, the girl or woman is an image that people want to see; they want to know. In that respect, I would say to be a princess means being a leader, having a cause, giving a voice to those that don’t have one. Generous with oneself and knowing the courage to do what’s right and to be helpful is of utmost importance. You are not only speaking for yourself but many that you have taken under your wing. You can’t change the world as you sit on a thrown. There is a life to live outside the walls of a castle. It took me a long time to understand that and I wanted to be an active participant in a world that needed change.

 

K: Thank you for that. What do you feel was your biggest lesson as Princess Diana?

 

D: To speak up. It was my biggest hurdle; especially in the beginning. I did my best to live by the rules of a royal life but there came a point where it got difficult to breathe in a sense. I found my freedom as a mother and as an advocate. It was very freeing.

 

K: I think many people want William as king. Thoughts?

 

D: You mean prediction? (She’s hinting)

 

K: Sure.

 

D: William will get his chance to be king. Whether Charles gets there first is yet to be decided. They know of the peoples’ wishes. I can’t say at this moment if they’ll be granted.

 

K: How do you feel about Charles?

 

D: I’m happy he’s found love. I believe that while I lived we were meant to have the dynamic that we did. It was all for a purpose wasn’t it. In the end, we found our joy.

 

K: So, no hard feelings?

 

D: No. I can’t. Together we were able to bring change in a way that sadly was very public but it brought awareness to what couldn’t work anymore in the confines of a royal marriage.

 

K: That’s awesome. You sound very at peace with how your life played out.

 

D: Yes. (She smiles and takes a breath.) I’m very much at peace.

 

K: You really are an angel.

 

D: Not quite. (She giggles) But thank you. Thank you for this. Like I said, I enjoy these types of exchanges.

 

P: I’m happy I stayed.

 

K: I think you were a little nervous.

 

P: You caught me off guard. I didn’t think it would be now.

 

D: That’s my fault actually. I popped in quite a few times over the last few days.

 

K: Thank you. I’ll share this visit. My hope is that people will get to know you in a way that I just did. Thank you so much.

 

P: Thank you. (nods his chin) I feel like I need to bow.

 

D: No need. Good night.

 

K: Good night.

 

P: Bye.

 

 

She gets up and walks away slowly. So classy.

 

 

P: Wow.

 

K: I know right.

 

P: Just. Wow.

 

 

 

 

Conversations with Anne Boleyn

 

March 23, 2016

 

 

The way Anne came in was different. I was busy working and this presence was around and when I asked if they would like to talk or if they just wanted to hang out they chose to hang out. Then, a couple days later, I was getting ready for the day and as I was combing my hair the name Anne Boleyn spoke loudly in my ear. From that morning, she would come and go and we spoke a little until I could actually sit with her and give her my full attention. She doesn’t come to me looking like her painting. She’s about 5’8, slender, brown/reddish hair (I guess a really dark auburn) and her skin tone is fair but lightly tanned. That’s as good as I’m going to get. She wears a red wine colored gown with gold embroidery with pearls at her neck (fitting I know) and her hair is pinned up. She stands with her hands lightly clasped in front of her. I was worried because I don’t speak Old English and I told her this right from the get go. She told me she would keep it ‘simplistic’. I couldn’t be offended because she has this dry wit that I can relate to. I really like her. Her presence was very easy, almost like speaking with someone while out for tea/coffee. I know I’m rambling but I really want to drive it home that she was completely different than what I was expecting from my minimal research and I believe that she was pivotal in where England, as a country, is today. Now I present my conversation with Anne Boleyn.

 

 

A: Yes.

 

K: Hello. Is there a way you would like to be acknowledged; respect wise?

 

A: It is not necessary to grant me any title. I am Anne Boleyn. You may address me as Anne.

 

K: Thank you for coming.

 

A: I have been around for some time. It is only in this moment that it permits us to speak and for that, I am thankful.

 

K: Sorry. Time can be a thing for me.

 

A: Apologies are not necessary for things of this nature. For me, it is only a blink. For you, it seems never ending. By this I mean the wait for a chance to speak.

 

K: Thank you. How are you?

 

A: I am very well. I’ve nothing to complain about.

 

K: Would you have a complaint if you could?

 

A: No. I am very well where I am and have always been.

 

K: You mentioned to me, in passing, you didn’t want to go into the history of your life as Anne Boleyn. Why?

 

A: (Pause) There are differing opinions as to why I was who I was. Some would say I manipulated my way into the King’s graces. Such stories are rarely the truth of how it was. Historians only have their books and letters but to understand the way of life when I lived, one would have to be present there. I understand there are questions about my part in that time and place but much I have left where I died.

K: Was that because it was a life you’d like to forget?

 

A: Forgetfulness of a life cannot be because it is woven, like a tapestry, within me.

 

K: May I ask you something?

 

A: If you must I will do my best to shed light on politics that have not or will not be forgotten.

 

K: Was it all political?

 

A: Yes.

 

K: Was there love?

 

A: Yes. Unfortunately, love was marred by political gossip and rumor and authenticity was a word used by poets and not by those who ruled.

 

K: So, are you saying that authenticity was a romantic and fluffy idea?

 

A: Yes.

 

K: Wow. Would you consider your life in England authentic?

 

A: It was easier for me to live a life as Anne Boleyn in France than in England. It was…more carefree.

 

K: Were you treated well in France?

 

A: I lived a magical life in France; a colorful life.

 

K: You showed me a comparison using color; England, at that time, being more drab and France almost like a rainbow.

 

A: Yes. Survival of the fittest and most cunning was England at that time. Of course, political agendas were everywhere but because you speak to me in regards to England, it is my honest interpretation.

 

K: Did you try and bring France to England in regards to lifestyle?

 

A: In many ways, I did and it worked in my favor for a time.

 

K: I’ve often wondered if you were jealous of your sister’s affair with King Henry. Were you?

 

A: I wanted more.

 

K: How so?

 

A: I had a mind and I had a voice. It was not my character to only be viewed as a servant of the flesh. I wished not to be brushed off to the side but to sit at the side of my king and give direction.

 

K: So, was it a competition of two women that wanted the king’s attention and, down the road, become queen?

 

A: Mary was content with her place in the court.

 

K: But you weren’t.

 

A: No, nor would I submit myself to such embarrassment.

 

K: But you were a mistress in France, weren’t you?

 

A: No. Flirtation and sexual exchanges are not the same. I was a lady and would act no other way.

 

K: Until the king…

 

A: When I knew my place with the king was marriage, I submitted.

 

K: Was your daughter, Elizabeth, conceived before marriage?

 

A: Yes. As you know, our marriage was stalled because of false hope that Henry’s marriage to Catherine would be annulled. Those plans did not unfold in our timely fashion.

 

K: Hence the secret wedding?

 

A: Yes.

 

K: So, through my research, you were schooled in things that were proper for women of your time but I got the impression you really liked the outdoors.

 

A: As much as the finer things amused me, I had a love of adventure. I loved the outdoors; skills that a man was raised to do better than a woman but, because of my love for nature, I excelled at all. I did not like to be kept in the walls of a castle. It could, at times, become quite stifling.

 

K: Did all women like the same things as you did?

 

A: The ladies of the court were trained in delicacies. You could say I was more of a free spirit and the king took notice.

 

K: Did you get bored easily?

 

A: Yes.

 

K: Henry really worried about rumor or what people thought. Did he worry about how he appeared as a king?

 

A: Yes.

 

K: Did you use this as a means of opportunity?

 

A: Yes. My advantage was that I had the king’s ear for some time.

 

K: Before you became queen, what was your relationship to the King?

 

A: I was merely a moment of infatuation. We were wed and as with all infatuations, reality set in and it was easier to listen to gossip about a wife than to a wife.

 

K: Your outspoken nature ruffled feathers?

 

A: I was not appreciated. My ideas on religion were not appreciated.

 

K: Were you religious?

 

A: The concept of religion was the same as a monarchy. It was a means to control countries. Religion wasn’t based on spirituality but based on power. This is where the King and the Pope collided. It was a power struggle. Henry would not lose and neither would the church. Reformation was inevitable. I certainly had my own ideas of worship. I would not be deterred.

 

K: Were you surprised at England’s separation from the Catholic church?

 

A: What surprised me was the swiftness in which it occurred once the decision was made. It was my heartfelt wish to freely worship as I had in France. I was, simply, a catalyst for such reform.

 

K: Meaning the king needed an annulment from Catherine because he wanted you. It was the only way to get it.

 

A: (Smiles slyly) Yes.

 

K: Kind of romantic in a way. A king goes to the ends of the earth for love or, in your words, infatuation? Was there love?

 

A: I did love him. At one time, we respected each other immensely. I did love him.

 

K: Spiritually speaking, in France, did you have some sort of awakening?

 

A: Yes. It was when I was younger. Contained within me was a heart and a soul that knew my spirit could not worship in a confined way. I knew that my spirit was larger than any bible. I had a moment of clarity that God; that Love was so much bigger than anything I experienced in the flesh. That moment, that minute of breathless realization, changed me forever.

 

K: Mother Mary?

 

A: It is said that I held a strong affinity for Mother Mary and while this was true, she was only part of what I devoted myself to. She was an example for me. I always concluded that she was of strength and bravery for all she endured in regards to her son and I wanted to be an example of that character.

 

K: So, it wasn’t the spirit but more of what Mother Mary stood for?

 

A: Yes. I held much respect for, what I could only assume, was her life. I spoke with her as a leader, as a mother and as a queen.

 

K: Was that the kind of queen you wanted to be?

 

A: Yes, but I could not be that queen under the restrictive rulings of the Catholic church.

 

K: Understood.

 

A: Thank you.

 

K: Were your sister, Mary’s, children the King’s?

 

A: Yes. She bore bastards of royal blood. (I cringed but I promised word for word)

 

K: What was your relationship with Catherine of Aragon?

 

A: Very little interaction. I was a servant. There were other ladies that performed more duties with the Queen. She knew of Henry’s affection for me and would keep me at arm’s length. I was a threat to who she was. She was very intelligent and knew this.

 

K: So, let’s say the King had low self-esteem and because of this, many people were arrested and killed because he assumed people talked behind his back…

 

 

She laughs out loud. A big laugh.

 

 

A: There was never a moment that people did not.

 

K: Were you ever worried or feared that he would start looking at you in these ways?

 

A: I viewed my surrounding world with the eyes of an owl. I knew very well I was watched. My reception, as queen, was lukewarm. Change in England was partly my doing. Not all agreed to the King’s new demands because of a woman. There were many women. Why then, was I so important that it warranted such drastic measures? I was viewed with suspicion. Never acceptance.

 

K: You were first point of access to the King. Were all queens put in this role?

 

A: No. Henry trusted me. I chose whom he could see and what he could know. It was for my personal benefit and nothing more.

 

K: Climbing the monarch ladder, were you?

 

A: (smiling) I did my best.

 

K: It didn’t last.

 

A: No.

 

K: Was it only because of Jane (Seymour) or the fact you lost a son or a bit of both?

 

A: An heir was everything. In the King’s mind, my body was not worthy of carrying such a treasure.

 

K: Did he think, almost, like you killed his son?

 

A: Not directly. I did carry the blame of that loss.

 

K: You know better now though?

 

A: Of course.

 

K: When did the tables turn for you?

 

A: When Henry could no longer tolerate the frustrations of no male heir.

 

K: That was it?

 

A: And like leeches, those in court used Henry’s frustrations to dispose of me. My only regret, if you can speak of it in that way, is that my family suffered for it.

 

K: They say you were happy the day of your execution.

 

A: In a way. I made my peace with the events. I moved though my grief and fear very quickly. I had no choice. It was my faith in the knowledge that I would be with God that buoyed me.

 

K: Your last letter to the king, were you hopeful it would work, that he’d stop the execution?

 

A: I was not. I knew better. I knew of his affections for Jane. It was my opportunity to speak the words I never got to.

 

K: Did he read it?

 

A: Reluctantly, yes. Those few days of my imprisonment and eventual death, he preferred solitude and hid away.

 

K: Did you see your daughter?

 

A: Briefly.

 

K: When she exonerated your memory, how was that for you?

 

A: It gave me peace that my life was not in vain but that I lived a life of importance; that what I was part of was an integral part of England’s history that still, to this day, is viewed as a turning point.

 

K: Was Elizabeth’s rule different?

 

A: England was ruled by Elizabeth as a man never could; with heart.

 

K: Pretty proud?

 

A: Very.

 

K: When you died, was it painful? A lot of people are concerned with the pain of death.

 

A: I was whisked away quickly.

 

 

She shows me almost like a pull, very quickly. Almost like some sort of feeling you would get on an amusement park ride.

 

 

A: I do not recall pain.

 

K: Let’s talk ghosts. You are the subject of hauntings in various places. More like the Tower of London?

 

A: Dear child, it must be acknowledged that there are places on your earth that hold the fingerprint of a human as how they were. This is where that phantom exists. However, this is residual energy of a memory. It is not me. There are many places on your earth that loop these images, as if being played on your films of your times. This is what takes place. Do I visit those places? Yes. Do I come as a way to create fear? No. This was not who I was in the flesh. This is not who I am as a soul.

 

K: So, you carrying your head through a castle…?

 

A: God in heaven no! Think of it as a bad memory, kept there by those that believe there is no rest for a murdered queen who is bound to such an earthy existence; because of dark fantasy.

 

K: Do ghosts exist?

 

A: Yes.

 

K: Are there hauntings?

 

A: Yes. It is only the memory of events that keep the human there. If individuals wish to continue their belief of ghosts, so shall ghosts exist.

 

K: So, ghosts, like family that visits, that’s the spirit of the person coming because of…?

 

A: Love, forgiveness, connection. It is not to cause fear. If the deceased are making themselves known, it is only because they wish to communicate their love, to forgive and be forgiven of the angst in which they feel they’ve caused. To acknowledge their memory and wish them well is only to let them go in love. Speak with the departed. Understand the safety in these communications and wish them well as they would do for you.

 

K: Do you wish things had gone differently for you?

 

A: It was as it was. I have no ill will. I played my part. I am peaceful.

 

K: Any thoughts on the monarchy of today?

 

A: Hhmm (she smiles) I enjoy seeing the roles that women play. How they are side by side with their kings. I congratulate them on their efforts of equality while juggling their familial responsibilities. It has changed. They are an example of something I tried to be but could not.

 

K: I beg to differ. I think you started the ball rolling. We may not know exactly what happened or the finer details of who you were but I think the effects of your rule as queen can still be seen today. Thank you for your opportunistic nature, even if it was seen as manipulation by some.

 

A: Thank you. I enjoy how you see it. I understand much of that time is lost to people of these days.

 

K: I hope that I was able to give you a chance to kind of give people a clearer picture of who you were.

 

A: Dear Kimberly, we could discuss this for days. I am grateful to you for giving me a voice. Did you understand all that I said?

 

K: Yes. Thank you for speaking in my language. (I’m teasing)

 

A: We will meet again?

 

K: I’d love it.

 

A: Wonderful. Good bye.

 

K: Bye.

 

 

Nods, curtsies and walks off.

 

 

 

Conversations with Cecil the Lion

 

April 7, 2016

 

 

Setting the stage. I was walking the dog one afternoon and this lion comes into my vision. When he was hunted and killed, it floored many people including me. So, I asked another medium, because they were looking for questions from people, if they could possibly channel Cecil so we could get his perspective on his death. My email went unanswered. They are extremely busy dong really great work so I wasn’t surprised. Cecil wouldn’t leave me. He came in from time to time and showed himself in physical ways like photos or plush toys or whatever. Finally, I got the message that it was for me to do. I’m new at this so I wasn’t comfortable with the idea but, in any event, here we are. How did it go? It was THE most emotionally raw thing I have ever done. It took me several days to channel him because even after a few minutes I would begin to weep. Even as I write this intro, my chest gets tight with emotion. He is purity and innocence. He is power and grace. I’m humbled that he chose to come to me. I didn’t channel as I normally would. I had to meet him in a sacred space and in a meditative space. I was joined by Simon because it was so new and I needed that spiritual support. Even after I finished translating it, that morning I walked my dog and I was still emotional. Not in a bad mournful way but just a raw emotional feeling everything way. Sometimes his sentences were smooth; sometimes choppy and sometimes I had to translate images and feelings. I think I’ve rambled enough. It may not flow as well as the others but maybe it’s as it’s supposed to be.

 

 

S: Are you ready?

 

K: Yeah, I’m ready.

 

S: Deep breaths.

 

K: He’s here? Is that him?

 

S: Yes.

 

K: He’s huge. He’s really big. There’s another. When he’s walked with me he’s told me it’s his brother.

 

 

Cecil comes pretty close. Maybe six or seven feet away. He wants to come closer but every time he tries I get nervous and tell him to stay put. He lays down and his energy is pure power, pure intelligence and pure confidence. He’s definitely running this. I’m not sure how to address him.

 

 

K: Cecil, you always come to me with another lion and you’ve shown me it’s your brother but I thought Jerico was your bother?

 

C: Not blood. Brother killed by another.

 

K: Is he always with you?

 

C: Yes. Nothing special about me. Why have you asked for me? (I feel like he’s asking what I would like to talk to him about but those are the words I heard.)

 

K: Wasn’t it you that showed yourself to me that day?

 

C: Yes.

 

K: You haven’t really left.

 

C: No.

 

K: I was hoping that I could give some sort of voice for you, from your perspective, of what happened to you?

 

 

He doesn’t answer. He only moves his tail. By the way, the other lion paces around while Cecil remains calm. I guess by Cecil’s silence, he’s waiting for me to start.

 

 

K: Can you show me what happened?

 

 

All he shows me is that he was seen, baited out of some sort of boundary and struck by an arrow. He then ran.

 

 

C: Bait.

 

K: Did you ever think it was dangerous to take the bait?

 

C: No.

 

K: Were you concerned with hunters or humans?

 

C: No. (He shows me he was comfortable with people around. He was used to all the faces. He lost his curiosity of humans long before he died.)

 

K: Was Robert Palmer truthful when he said he was acting legally? That he was only following the guides he paid because they were supposed to know what could be hunted or not?

 

C: He acted out of ignorance. He only wanted the prize. Glory of a hunt and kill masked any doubt he felt.

A trophy was all he desired.

 

K: Did any of the hunting party know it was you?

 

 

He shows me when some sort of tracking collar was found that the guides knew and panicked somewhat.

 

 

K: Were you injured with an arrow?

 

C: Yes. (He makes me feel like it wasn’t what killed him. He shows me some sort of rifle. He makes me feel like when he actually died it was quick.)

 

K: There was so much outrage with your death. How do you feel about that?

 

C: I was only one of many.

 

K: Do you think you were supposed to put a face on what was going on with trophy hunting? Opening a debate or a conversation about it?

 

C: It was not a new topic of discussion. The debate has been going on for years. My death only seemed to have… (shows me salt on an open wound) Only me because I was studied.

 

K: You are different than other lions, with your black mane.

 

C: Makes me no different or better than any other.

 

K: So, you think that if you weren’t studied or tracked, that your death would have gone unnoticed like others before you?

 

C: Yes. No different.

 

K: Your death seemed to be a catalyst in some changes to trophy hunting.

 

C: Not enough.

 

K: What do you mean?

 

C: If not for nourishment or use, why must an animal be killed? Is an animal’s life not life?

 

K: Some people might say that they have every right to hunt an animal if they want to and are willing to pay for that right.

 

C: Exerting power they believe they have.

 

K: Is it a power trip?

 

C: Yes.

 

K: Will it continue?

 

C: It is the choice of those that need to exert control over the innocent because they cannot control themselves.

 

K: So, it’s an internal war?

 

C: Mankind will never gain control over Nature while trying to exert force over Her and Her inhabitants. The struggle is internal. Only when man finds love within will there be cooperation and mutual understanding of each other’s needs. Man is of nature. Nature is not of man.

 

K: Dare I argue that wildlife hunts? (Simple devil’s advocate question just to see what he would say.)

 

C: It is not for prestige. This is a cycle of life. One that is of balance and respect.

 

K: I’ve seen some media about specific people who have raised lions and can be with them no problem or there’s one guy that just walks into a pride of lions and is welcomed. Why those individuals and not others?

 

C: Family. They are family. They are recognized through vibration. They are safe.

 

K: So those that can be with lions or wolves of bears, whatever the wildlife, they are seen as the same?

 

C: Yes. They are not seen as humans but as us.

 

K: Does spirit animal play a part?

 

C: No. Not all that are with animals are guided by those of the same spirit. A mouse can still be with a lion in mutual fondness when of similar vibration.

 

K: And those animals that co-exist with another species, is that the same?

 

C: No. Nature does not see a difference. There is no race.

 

 

He shows me the number one. He says unity.

 

 

K: It does help when animals of one kind are raised with another that is different though?

 

C: Yes. Of course it helps to be familiar so when hungry, the mouse is not seen as prey.

 

K: A lot of it has to do with similar vibration or energetics then?

 

C: Animals gravitate towards comfort and safety. The form does not matter.

 

K: When you were wounded and they had to track you down, did you suffer?

 

C: Yes. Fear. Pain. Betrayed.

 

K: Betrayed like you felt you were lied to in some way?

 

C: Bait.

 

 

The feeling he gives me was that he felt cheated by ignorance. I have this overwhelming sense of sadness and emotional pain…fear even. The emotion is in my chest and it burns. I’m choked up.

 

 

C: Animals suffer. Humans are not the only ones.

 

K: I’m so sorry. (A little lost for words.)

 

C: All of Earth suffers at the hands of failed control. This will change.

 

K: You see it changing?

 

C: Yes.

 

K: How did you feel when your life was over and you died?

 

C: Peace.

 

 

I sigh a big breath. Like when a person is a little stressed and that big sigh brings relief. Times that by one thousand.

 

 

K: He posted a photo of you after the hunt was done which angered so many people…

 

C: Was not me any longer.

 

K: Yes. I know but do you think he knew who you were when he took the picture.

 

C: No. Guides were aware. Did not say anything. Tried to keep me secret.

 

K: Didn’t work very well did it.

 

C: No.

 

K: Do you think it’s possible for humans to have relationships with all animals without the cloud of predator/prey hanging over it?

 

C: Yes. Not now. When heaven meets earth.

 

K: A heaven on earth?

 

C: Yes.

 

K: I’ve always seen a lion spirit in my daughter so I asked her if there was anything she wanted to ask you. Is that okay?

 

 

He seems to perk up. I get a feeling he’s curious about a child’s questions.

 

 

K: Okay?

 

C: Yes.

 

K: Ireland wants to know what it feels like to be free?

 

C: In the wild? In Spirit?

 

K: I think she comes from the view point that you were free to roam and not in a zoo.

 

C: Senses. Senses work together. One does not have power over another. Senses are one. Body, mind, spirit is one. No desires for all (desires) are met.

 

K: Do you think humans are free?

 

C: Not without desires. Man is not without desire. No freedom in want.

 

K: Are animals in the wild freer than people?

 

C: Yes.

 

K: I have to ask you about zoos.

 

C: Slave to man.

 

K: What about the zoos that have animals to preserve, protect and learn about?

 

C: All knowledge of species can be observed as part of nature. More knowledge to be gained through natural environment.

 

 

As he says this he shows me animals in their natural habitats living as they’re meant to.

 

 

C: Captivity encourages knowledge of captivity. Not how nature intends.

 

K: Ireland also wanted to know what it’s like to be a leader.

 

 

He shows me almost like a baby animal copying the adult.

 

 

C: It’s example. How does one want to be seen? Is the example of oppression or of freedom? Leader is an example. Intent behind example.

 

K: She also wanted to know if a Spirit Animal/Power Animal stays with us through life and death?

 

C: Power animal comes and goes with emotions. It is the emotional part of a human for animals are emotion.

 

K: So, Power Animals change more frequently than Spirit Guides?

 

C: Yes. Messengers of the moment. What is required at the moment.

 

K: Does a certain Power Animal come more frequently to a person because they resonate with that Spirit more than another?

 

C: Yes. When there is stability of emotion. Spirit animals are messengers.

 

K: Are you a guide in some way to someone?

 

C: You. This moment.

 

K: Thank you.

 

 

We’ve managed to come closer. I’m cross-legged, maybe three feet away. His brother stands behind him. I believe that his brother and Simon serve the same purpose here. This is both, Cecil’s and I’s, first time speaking animal to human and vice versa so I think it’s very much support based. I’m a lot less nervous now but the urge to cry continues to be strong.

 

 

K: When you lived, how did you perceive people?

 

C: Passively.

 

K: Did you ever fear they would harm you in any way?

 

C: Unaware of human danger.

 

 

He makes me feel like sometimes they were an annoyance. Like entering his world to watch without permission. In the end, he knew they wouldn’t stay.

 

 

K: How did you feel about your pride? The other lions?

 

C: Fiercely protective.

 

K: Did you and Jerico ever try to dominate one another?

 

C: No. Respected boundaries.

 

K: But you fought?

 

C: Family arguments.

 

K: Apparently, people were surprised that he didn’t kill your cubs…I guess that’s what male lions do when the dad dies?

 

C: I live through my children. He could not kill me.

 

K: So on some level, you live through your children/cubs?

 

C: Yes. As does all.

 

K: Human and animal?

 

C: Yes.

 

K: Are you content with the events that led you to where you are now? I guess your heaven?

 

C: I am content with my life. I am content now.

 

K: Would you say you died a senseless death?

 

C: My murder was senseless. My death was not. Through death of me, I sustain lives of others. Change has happened to protect what’s left.

 

K: Do you think there will be more changes made to protect the freedoms of all wildlife?

 

C: Small steps will lead to big changes. Animals are not lower forms of life. They are life. All life must meet on middle ground. One will not destroy the other.

 

K: I heard extinction of species is both natural and not.

 

C: There are species who will naturally leave due to changes of earth. Others will leave by another’s hands. Trophies.

 

K: Can it be stopped?

 

C: It is up to the human collective.

 

K: Do animals live more from heart or mind?

 

C: Heart. Emotional being. Feel all emotion. More than people. People rationalize. Animals simply live.

 

K: Could we learn a lot from animals?

 

C: Yes. No need for study. (feels like academic) Only to observe their true nature. This is spirit.

 

K: People who eat meat or do not? Thoughts?

 

C: This is a decision on what the human needs. Listen to the body. It will say it’s needs. What it requires for nourishment. Some require meat. Be thankful. Be humble. It will say its needs. Sustains life in some way. Listen to your body. Ask your physical body what it needs. Do not ask the mind. Begin to feel and in turn, begin to know.

 

K: Some say there are similarities between kids and animals. Would you agree?

 

C: Similar because both are untouched by life. Innocence connects them.

 

K: There are many people who go above and beyond in regards to animal rescue and animal awareness. Do you acknowledge these people as doing a great job? I certainly do.

 

C: I give respect to ones that give of themselves and are content with receiving love in return. Need help.

 

K: These organizations?

 

C: Yes. More support.

 

K: What about pet owners?

 

C: Not a decision to enter into lightly. Become part of a tribe and needs to be treated as such.

 

K: In regards to Earth, how do animals fit?

 

C: Animals are Nature’s way of speaking. We are Her voice.

 

K: I’ve heard that human emotion can dictate weather and natural disasters but human emotion can also stop or reverse these things. Are animals included in this?

 

C: We are Her peace. Don’t fear emotion. Allow emotion. Allow peace.

 

 

I have to take a moment to collect myself and Cecil stands. I think that it’s over but it’s not.

 

 

C: Come.

 

 

After I close I sit and speak with him and cry. Of course, I’m crying. I’m crying throughout this whole thing. But I was given a great gift because I went into a very deep meditation and experienced him like I was with him. I’ve never touched a lion physically but to be able to be with him and connect with him in spirit was a great gift. It’s an experience I can’t put into words and if I could have had a GoPro to record it, believe me people, I would have. He hasn’t left me yet and I doubt he ever will but he’s left me speechless. I’m grateful for this opportunity that I was given. Hug your pets or hug your neighbor’s pet and if you can’t, go hug a tree or sit in a park and watch the wildlife around you. I believe it’s time to get real with what’s around us that’s not made of concrete or metal. The Power Animal of a lion stands for courage, honor, leadership, holding one’s head up, intuition and awareness among other things. Maybe it’s time to follow that example. Namaste.

 

 

 

 

Conversations with Christopher Reeve

 

April 22, 2016

 

 

He came very quickly. Usually I take my time to get to know someone a little before I do the ‘big conversation’ but it wasn’t like that this time. He came in then his wife showed herself and then I started conversing just a little here and there. Within a few hours, we sat together for a while. It was weird because with him I saw Robin Williams and I didn’t know they were friends until my buddy Kelsey told me ‘you knew they were best friends, right?’ Uh, no! I love how synchronicity works. He’s a tall guy. He sits in a chair with his right ankle casually crossed over his left knee. He’s very relaxed. He wears black pants and a white button shirt. His eyes are blue blue blue. After it was done I could not stop smiling for the rest of the day. His energy is so laid back but he’s so intelligent and there’s no pretense. It’s just Christopher Reeve, the man. It was surreal that, in a way, Robin led him in my direction. I haven’t thought of Christopher in years. This was a great surprise and such an honor. I’ll stop rambling. Of course, you’ll get the idea about how excited I was. I can’t help but be completely transparent in my emotions when I’m with Spirit. It comes with the job. ;0)

 

 

C: Well hello.

 

K: I am blown away that you stepped in. Seriously blown away because it was not expected at all.

 

C: (Smiles) Well, not really for me either but I…I was kind of led here.

 

K: I got the feeling this morning about that and then I talked with my friend Kelsey and she said that you and Robin were good friends. I had no idea and when she told me that, Robin smiled at me and…seriously, I am blown away about the way this is happening but I’m so happy you’re with me. How are you?

 

C: I’m really good. I can feel your excitement. Thank you.

 

K: I’m giddy! I have to admit something to you which I’m sure you know because we chatted briefly early this morning but for those that read these things…I had the biggest crush on you after I saw the movie Somewhere In Time. I loved that movie and the soundtrack. I just had to put that out there. I mean, everyone loves Superman but you in that movie…awesome. Total crush.

 

 

He’s laughing a little bit but enjoys hearing it.

 

 

K: I’ll stop now.

 

C: I loved doing that movie. I think you saw somewhere that it was one of, if not, my favorite films. Just the concept of it was so intriguing to me at that time. Plus, if I didn’t do it, I wouldn’t have met Jane and she’s a star. She really is. Just a beautiful person.

 

K: So, when you came this morning I saw your wife, Dana, in the background. She’s still there. (She waves a little but stays back) Are you two always together where you are?

 

C: Mostly yes. You can’t deny a love that we had and, quite honestly, I could never…I don’t ever want to go without being with her. She loved me when it was the hardest.

 

K: When I get a sense of the feelings and emotions between you two, I don’t believe that it was ever hard for her to love you. Would you say that there is a soulmate connection between you two?

 

C: Most definitely. I spoke of her like that.

 

K: Did you believe in that kind of stuff when you were here?

 

C: I don’t know about believed in it. I think I used it as a phrase to describe how close and how in love we were and still are, but the term on earth doesn’t do anything to really describe what it truly is.

 

K: I think that’s with a lot of language on earth when describing stuff of that nature. There really is no language so maybe it would be best to just feel it rather than try to translate it?

 

C: Absolutely. And I think you know a bit about that because of what you’ve been doing. Like we (general for spirits) can make you feel what we mean or are trying to portray but you have to put it into words.

 

K: It can be difficult. Especially with animals.

 

C: No doubt about it. But even as we are now (spirit), the communication’s different so to try and convey that to a medium or psychic or whatever it’s called now…not many people can…people struggle with it.

 

K: Have you come through to many?

 

C: Some. Some are more reachable than others.

 

K: So, in Superman, when you watched it and you saw yourself flying through space or earth or where ever you were, how much different is it?

 

C: Again, words can’t describe it. I’ve been here a while now and it’s still hard to remember about what I thought of it as a man on earth and what I think of it now. It’s very different.

 

K: When you did Superman and it touched on different life forms and planets and superhuman strength, did you believe those things as an actor portraying that?

 

C: You know…I always wondered. I was fascinated about space and time but proof would’ve been nice. I related to Clark Kent more than Superman. I was never really into comic books so playing the role was challenging in that way because sometimes I really had to step out of the box.

 

K: And when you stepped out of the box for that time, did you think that the things you were acting out could possibly exist?

 

C: I had to in some way. I had to play that part and to have it come off as somewhat believable.

 

K: Cool.

 

C: What about you? The more you know, do you believe it?

 

K: Some things are easier to grasp than others but I pretty much like to say to myself why not?

 

C: Sure. Why not?

 

K: Here’s a question out of left field.

 

C: Uh oh.

 

K: You know that part in Superman where you take Lois Lane out for a night fly around. Do you do that in Spirit to some here on earth?

 

C: I was afraid you were going to ask me that. I know it’s partly to keep things light.

 

K: Kind of but I’m actually kind of curious when people actually think of you, because let’s face it, you will always be that Superman, if you grant that kind of wish.

 

C: More with children.

 

K: Why?

 

C: Because kids are more willing to let go of reality to live in possibility and dreams. Plus, superheroes are big to little guys and girls. It’s fun.

 

K: In Somewhere in Time, you time travelled in such a simple way, really. Is that possible?

 

C: The concept was so interesting to me. (He sits forward to explain.) I read the book and when I was done I thought, is it because of his tumor that he was seeing this or was it an actual travel. I wanted to put myself in that and explore that idea. The mind is an intricate and interesting place. When I say the mind, I don’t necessarily mean the brain. So much can happen with thought. It can create so why can’t it take you back to a place; back to a different time?

 

K: Would it possibly be like astral travel? Like the physical is still in one place but the spirit is in another and that could be a form of time travel?

 

C: Yes. There are aspects of that.

 

K: What about physically?

 

C: Physical bodies are dense but I think the potential of it is there but…the mind, the thought would play a very big role in that.

 

K: After you were done the movie, do you think the character physically went back or do you think it was a manifestation of thought?

 

C: I think it was the mind; the thought. The movie only portrayed that he went back. It didn’t explain how, really. It was just an idea to explore but what explores ideas?

 

K: The mind.

 

C: The mind.

 

K: So, I’ve always thought that the mind wasn’t the thing to rely on but it was the heart. I had this belief that one must live through the heart. Thoughts?

 

C: It’s true but it’s also balancing the mind and heart. A person was meant to be able to use all his faculties together but in a balanced and mindful way.

 

K: What do you think of the saying monkey mind?

 

C: It is a portrayal of imbalance. I think if you have a mind that works with the heart and they listen to each other, you’d have less of that jumping around. Communication with both is key. Sometimes you feel Spirit in the heart. Sometimes we appear in the mind. Some people are quick to judge it as imagination when really, it’s only being able to see deeply.

 

K: Do you think the power of the mind empowers the body and at that point there could be regeneration? Keeping both strong?

 

C: Keeping all strong and I feel this is leading somewhere.

 

K: You called me.

 

C: This is true.

 

K: You portrayed a superhero. You were iconic that way for many. You had a terrible fall and all of a sudden, your life is completely changed. Did you ever feel that you were untouchable? I know that sounds harsh….

 

C: I heard you could ask tough questions. (Smiles and winks)

 

K: Sorry.

 

C: No. Don’t be sorry. Truth of it is, I did think that. I was successful, had beautiful healthy children, a loving wife and in one moment my life changed. I never, before that moment, thought anything like that could happen. What could happen riding a horse? I was doing something I loved and I woke up and couldn’t move. I was shattered.

 

K: Could you share a little about what you thought when you woke up?

 

C: I thought how could I ever live like this?

 

 

When he talks he shares the feeling of complete hopelessness. I pretty much want to crumble into a ball and cry.

 

 

K: The feeling you’re giving me is pretty overwhelming. Can you pull back a little?

 

C: Sure. Good?

 

K: Much better. Do you remember anything about that moment you fell?

 

C: I only slightly remembered the horse stopping. (He shows me the picture but the picture freezes like a movie on pause.) And then I woke up to the face of my wife.

 

K: Did you ever wonder if you could continue living?

 

C: That’s a good question and I went through a very dark time. Here I am, with all my faculties. I could hear and see and smell but I couldn’t feel. I tried to move and I was paralyzed. I remember one evening, I tried so hard to move something…anything and when I couldn’t it was a very dark moment. I was honest with Dana. She understood.

 

K: So, why didn’t you?

 

 

Suicide was the unspoken word here.

 

 

C: Her love saved my life. Her support saved my life. She gave me an out. She said she understood but she would support me in any way. It was at that moment that I knew she loved all of me, no matter what state that was in. She loved all of me and that love saved my life.

 

K: She was what made you fight for your life as it was?

 

C: Yes. Of course, the love I had for my children was there as well. I was a father and my children were everything to me but when Dana looked at me in the eyes and said she would support me but she loved me…I realized at that moment what love was; what love is. It is the very definition of soulmate. Unconditional love. There’s no end to it.

 

K: That’s beautiful. Thank you.

 

C: So, it was hard. It was painful but I wanted to heal.

 

K: See, you are Superman.

 

C: (Chuckles) I guess so. I had excellent support. I had the best care. I had really great friendships. You know one.

 

K: Well, we’ve chatted. Robin is the definition of…a profoundly joyful, happy, caring, loving soul. Every time he shows his face just to wave it makes me smile so big. That’s just who he is and was, I’m assuming.

 

C: Completely. Very giving of himself. It was one of those days that I was feeling pretty sorry for myself and this guy comes in pretending to be a doctor. It cracked me up. Robin’s timing was always on.

K: I’m so glad you had the support that you did. And you kept working?

 

C: I did. I was passionate about my creativity. I couldn’t move but I could still create and I didn’t stop. If anything, I worked harder because I wanted to prove to people that I could still create and do things.

 

K: What about your injury? Do you think, if you had more time, you could have potentially moved more of your body?

 

C: I felt it coming. I knew it was there. I knew that the work I was doing internally and my limited exercising was making a very big impact on my body.

 

K: Were you surprised at that?

 

C: What got me was how incredible the human body is and that it can regenerate itself. I wanted to prove it and I was trying.

 

K: The stem cell thing? I don’t know much about it.

 

C: It was the key to cell regeneration and healing. There’s more studies on it now than when I was lobbying for it.

 

K: I’m pretty sure you got that ball rolling.

 

C: I really wanted to prove the power of the mind and body and when working together could create such healing.

 

K: But not everyone can overcome their despair or pity parties to be able to get to that point. For example, you had amazing support and a few dollars in the bank…

 

C: It doesn’t always have to come down to the dollar sign but you’re right. I had much support and it was key in my recovery but my discovery of how capable my body still was, kept me motivated. Only I could feel that. Only I could know myself that way and only I could push myself as far as I knew I could go.

 

K: Terry Fox just came to my mind. His state of mind must have been similar to yours.

 

C: Exactly. He had no leg but he still had it in him to run. Even when he was sick he still tried to go that last mile. When the physical doesn’t cooperate, or gets sick…it’s hard but the mind is what can switch the circumstances from awful and tragic to miracles and overcoming all difficulty.

 

K: Wow.

 

C: You can tell I’m still passionate about it.

 

K: Yes. You are and thank you so much for sharing that. I think it’s easy for people to get stuck in their negative. For whatever reason. I get there too. Do you think people keep their difficulty inside to fester?

 

C: Yes. To some, it looks weak to portray a weakness but I like to think of it as bravery or strength to share those stories because then, if you are able to admit you need help, help becomes available.

 

K: So, keeping the thoughts positive is a good start.

 

C: Absolutely. There’s that saying that thought creates reality, right?

 

K: Right?

 

C: It’s not easy and some days it’s damn near impossible but did you ever notice if you wake up in a bad mood it attracts more… I guess…bad throughout the day?

 

K: Oh yes. Been there.

 

C: It’s catching yourself in that moment and turning it around that will make all the difference.

 

K: When you were well on your way to being, I guess, healthy again, did you have down moments?

 

C: Yes. I cannot tell a lie.

 

K: Well you could.

 

C: Well…not really. I could try but it wouldn’t come off well.

 

K: We were discussing, this morning, how you and Dana discussed your death and that it was important.

 

C: People struggle with those conversations because they’re scary conversations to have but yes, we said goodbye many times.

 

K: Were you scared of it? (death)

 

C: Before or after the accident?

 

K: Let’s say after because it was a possibility, right?

 

C: Absolutely was. I had a moment where I thought I was dying or dead. I guess people here would call it a near death experience. I was floating above my body and it was liberating to be in that state because I didn’t have that in my physical body and I was ready. I was ready to go but it wasn’t the time and when I woke up I felt a little gipped. (grins) But I wasn’t done yet so I came back. After that moment, I wasn’t scared.

 

K: Why do you think it’s important to talk about it? (death)

 

C: Because it’s going to happen and it can’t be ignored. It doesn’t have to be a morbid conversation but I feel it’s an important conversation to have so you say all there is to say and there are no unanswered questions. Couples and children talk of death here and there but when someone is terminally ill or has an accident and knows death is around the corner, they’re scared to talk about it because they don’t want to be offensive or hurt each other. Trust me, those conversations whether it be fears, worries, anger, sadness, all of those emotions that come from not understanding what’s beyond, are imperative to say out loud to those that love you and you love.

 

K: Is it something to be scared of?

 

C: For those left behind it is scary. But for those that pass on, it’s liberating and it’s one of those moments that make everything so crystal clear.

 

K: And in death, after you see your family and friends, do you want to show them that it’s not the end?

 

C: So much. In my case, I had those conversations with my family. With my wife, first and foremost. I was honest with my kids and so it was easier for them and it was easier to still have some sort of relationship. Not everyone can have that because they get caught up in their grief. Grief is personal but if someone can realize we’re still here with you, could you imagine how much peace that would bring to those mourning their loved ones. It would be immense.

 

K: I’m glad you could be open about that with your family.

 

C: It was pretty obvious, even after how far I physically had come, that it was going to happen. I didn’t dwell on it but I didn’t hide it either. It’s those honest conversations that can bring the most healing.

 

K: But what if they don’t believe ‘life’ doesn’t end? How can that bring closure?

 

C: That doesn’t stop the need for talking about it. In any form, acknowledging that this life isn’t forever can be very healing.

 

K: Dana died soon after you did. Do you believe it was supposed to happen that way?

 

C: I can honestly say, if we were to grow old together in the usual way, without the paralysis or the cancer, we would have gone very close as well. (He shows me the old couples who die within days or even hours/minutes of each other and that special bond between those people.)

 

K: Wow. You guys were destiny.

 

C: I like to believe that.

 

K: Your kids are stunning. Seriously. How proud are you of them?

 

C: (grins so big) To think that I had anything to do with how amazing they are…They are my example of superheroes. To be able, after everything they’ve had to see concerning me and then Dana…and they are who they are today. I’m humbled by the experience of being a part of that; of being their father. It wasn’t easy for them. It was torture at times. It wasn’t always easy for them to watch what I had become but they came through it even better than I could ever have hoped for. I like when they talk to me, even if it is quietly.

 

K: They are very amazing people. You did good.

 

C: I wasn’t alone in that. I give a lot of credit to Gae. (Partner with his first two kids. He showed me her image. I had to look up her name.) The relationship between us didn’t last but we moved past that and were able to be parents to our children. It’s possible for all those relationships that don’t work to be good parents together. Pride is what gets in the way. She’s my family. She gave me two beautiful children and she’s part of my family.

 

K: Do you now view any relationship that you had, whether good or bad, as what it was and what it was supposed to be. Like, relationships end here and sometimes there can be so much hurt and resentment but when you die, you don’t take that with you right?

 

C: No. All that stuff is literally healed away. What blocks is the resentment that the living hold for the deceased. We’re good over here. It isn’t easy to forgive wrongs but it is possible and in that, to continue a relationship with those that have gone.

 

K: You’re right. It’s really not easy.

 

C: No. But doable.

 

K: Reluctantly agreed to and by reluctantly I mean by ego getting in the way.

 

C: (smiles and nods) That’ll do.

 

K: I really appreciate your comments about the power of thought and the mind and I really thank you for distinguishing that about the brain and the mind being different.

 

C: I like to think of the brain as the motor of a car and the mind as the computer of the car. They make the car work but the motor makes the car run. The computer makes it go.

 

K: So simple and yet so…amazingly accurate.

 

C: I try.

 

K: Do you think there is a possibility of ever being able to see the power of thought; of the mind?

 

C: You see it every day. It’s magic. It’s creative works. It’s perseverance in the face of extreme adversity. It’s spirit in human form. It’s the miracles of the everyday. You were learning about quantum physics right?

 

K: A little. Science is not my forte.

 

C: The mind and the spirit are quantum. Something that cannot be touched but still exists. When people really understand and start using it to its full potential, that’s when you’ll see forward movement. You can see me. You can hear me. Others can’t. Does that mean I don’t exist? No. This is quantum.

 

K: That’s scratching the surface of quantum.

 

C: I find it fascinating. Quantum(ness) I guess, opens the gateway to heaven because it’s the potential of everything that exists. It’s never ending.

 

K: Wow. That’s really huge. You’re giving me this really expansive feeling and I almost feel floaty and really big. My head feels very open.

 

C: Just a fragment.

 

K: That is so super cool. I am so happy you were introduced to me. I feel like you are such an inspiration, in your life here and even in spirit. I loved getting to know you a little bit in the last couple of days. Thank you so much.

 

C: Thank you for being open to it. I know trusting what comes in can be a little difficult but I think you’re doing a great job. Letting go of that push that you have to do it all the time is limiting. I like how you just let it flow now.

 

K: It was hard at first. Paul and I got into some interesting discussions. I did argue with him sometimes in private. He never argued back though. He just explained. I appreciate that and I feel that Spirit, whoever it is that shows themselves, is patient. I sometimes get caught up in the fact that I have this person on hold but Spirit is so patient. I’m learning a lot. Especially how to let go of what I assume how something is supposed to come through.

 

C: Yeah. Now try turning it around and seeing how we have to learn how to be spirit again. That can be tough too. But it’s a fun process.

 

K: Thank you so much Christopher. Thank you so much! Pop in anytime. And I know he’s lingering there with Dana but tell Robin I say hi. Love to all of you.

 

C: It was a pleasure. It really was. Thank you.

 

K: See you.

 

C: Bye.

 

 

[_ Gets up from the chair he sat on, turns and *poof* gone. AWESOME!!!!  _]

 

 

 

Conversations with Paul Walker

 

April 25, 2016

 

 

Setting the stage, he wanted a talk published so this is various topics. He’s casual as always. Pale blue t-shirt and tan khaki pants. He’s got no shoes on and he sits in that leather chair that’s always there. I’m going to start calling it the hot seat. There’s no pretense here. Just friends having a chat that he wanted to share.

 

P: You want me to start?

 

K: You’re kind of the star of the show. People don’t want to hear from me.

 

P: Huh. Still?

 

K: You question it?

 

P: Nah. Not really. I’m just playin’ but seriously, why does Anne get to talk to your friends and not me?

 

K: You can talk to whoever you want.

 

P: I know and I do.

 

K: Do they hear you?

 

P: Not always. How are you Kim?

 

K: I have been doing very well. Thank you. And you? Busy guy lately?

 

P: Yeah. I have to say that I’ve been keeping myself pretty busy but the way you think of busy and what I’m actually doing is completely different. It’s cool though.

 

K: You’ve been in the news lately. Just sayin’. People probably were thinking of you a little more than usual.

 

P: It happens like that. It’s a calling card; an invitation. You’ve been busy too.

 

K: I have. So what’s the topic of today? I’ve been feeling like you’ve wanted to share some words of wisdom instead of just private talks. (Those I don’t publish.)

 

P: Don’t make it sound so juicy. Tabloids would run with that.

 

K: Please. Tabloids don’t read this. Let’s talk…retribution.

 

P: Oh man. I knew you were going to do this. I knew it.

 

K: Well, it’s a topic of discussion that I think people could easily relate to. Including those that have lost a loved one because of circumstances beyond their control. So retribution or pay back.

 

P: It’s bullshit.

 

K: Okay. So that was the shortest channel I think that I’ve ever had if that’s all you have to say about the subject.

 

P: You know it’s not but it is. It’s a reaction about something that’s happened. Let’s talk playground for a second.

 

K: Okay.

 

P: This kid did this and so this kid’s gonna do that. Right?

 

K: Sure.

 

P: Does it solve anything? Does it make a wrong a right?

 

K: There is no wrong or right.

 

P: According to little kids. Work with me.

 

K: Okay. Yes. I get what you’re saying.

 

P: It just perpetuates a continuous circle of resentment, frustration and sometimes anger.

 

K: Okay. So what about when people die and their loved ones think those that died have been taken too soon and they want someone to pay.

 

P: It’s too bad. We, over here, can’t stop stuff like that. We can only watch. It keeps those who lost that person in a continuous state of mourning when, really, the blame game doesn’t result in any sort of understanding because people don’t want to hear it until they get their personal closure. I get that. I totally get that but no one will get closure until there is some sort of forgiveness.

 

K: Is it a reaction.

 

P: Over and over and over again. Let’s say, someone died by someone else’s hand and they want the accused to suffer as much as they made the other person suffer. It’s just that never-ending cycle of suffering that, I think, people have had enough of. People have had their share of suffering. Resentment and payback only creates more. That’s why, when possible, it’s a good idea to stop before taking action and think, what would I get from this? Would my friend/family member be able to come back if this person suffered? Stuff like that. It’s easy for me to say because I have a different view, right?

 

K: You do. But I get what you’re saying about reactions. Taking a step back and just pausing before acting. Why don’t you think more people do that?

 

P: Caught up in that payback cycle. You know me. I don’t talk about my personal life when you publish stuff but closure won’t come with retribution or payback. Closure will come with acceptance and really, understanding that we (Spirit) continue. Yeah, some of us died tragically and it’s a shitty situation for those that we leave behind but to remain in that mindset of someone’s gotta pay just prolongs that suffering. Holes in hearts can’t be filled completely. Of course not, but to fill those broken hearts with the idea that someone else has to pay for your suffering, it’s not ideal.

 

K: So what would you say is ideal?

 

P: There’s no easy answer only because when there’s been a tragedy or death, the blinders come out and it’s really difficult to see any other way for a long time. Mourning is personal and it’s a cycle. Some can come out of it easier than others. Some can forgive easier than others. Some think that forgiveness or acceptance only sits at the bottom of that bottle of payback. ‘Once that somebody pays, I’ll have my peace’ type thing. We can’t sit here and judge people for thinking that way. All we can do is understand why and support and one day, those who think that their happiness and peace is hidden under all that payback, they’ll see that it doesn’t and that is their opportunity to forgive and get on with living.

 

K: Hard to tell someone like a parent or a child. That’s a tough one.

 

P: True. I can’t sit here with you and tell you that those that read this will agree with me or even this topic of conversation but, it’s like everything right, it’s a personal viewpoint told by someone that sees it all the time.

 

K: On a bigger scale, would you say this could lead to violence by countries or cities or even gangs?

 

P: Absolutely. It’s all the playground, only the playground isn’t as full as it once was.

 

K: No?

 

P: No. (Shakes his head) There’s way more understanding, now, about cultivating that peace. Getting to that point of understanding and, if I may be so corny, compassion. Isn’t that what your guides always tell you? That’s the word of the year that one.

 

K: I think so. What would be another word?

 

P: Phrase?

 

K: Sure.

 

P: Being cool with one another.

 

K: I can’t believe you said corny.

 

P: Hey, I’m banking on your language skills. I just talk. You translate.

 

K: So talk instead of giving me pictures or feelings.

 

P: Does that make sense without getting too personal on the subject?

 

K: Yes. It makes complete sense and thank you for sharing what you could.

 

P: No problem.

 

K: Let’s talk about those deaths in the news recently. A lot of celebrities are passing away and it’s kind of surprising because we can only assume that they were healthy. Thoughts?

 

P: Don’t assume. Never assume because, like we’ve talked about before, we (celebrities) like our privacy and certainly aren’t going to share our health problems or anything like that.

 

K: So, and I think this is just going to be a repeat of our earlier talks that I haven’t shared but what were you and Simon saying about these deaths?

 

P: Well, how can I put this, they (artists who have passed suddenly or unexpectedly) started it. They were the wayshowers in the industry that they were in. They paved the way for what’s coming up.

 

K: And what’s coming up?

 

P: Just watch. People like Bowie and Prince they…their lives told a story. They lived creatively. They taught that it was okay and even awesome to be themselves in their art and not to fit into some sort of mold that they were told to for commercial success. They were people of integrity, following only what they wanted to or felt like doing. Look where it got them. This was an example. You were talking to Rodrigo and he said something really bang on. He said that as soon as those blind auditions were done, the judges on any of those shows would choose who would continue in the competitions based on who could be sold commercially. Artists like Bowie and Prince didn’t give a shit about that. They were authentic. Now watch what happens to those artists on those shows that didn’t get those red chairs turned around or picked to continue. Those are the new Bowies. Those are the new Prince’s. Those are the next Michael’s and Marvin’s. Those are the ones that will change that industry in time because they are the authentic artists that don’t fit into the molds. The molds are breaking. It’s anyone’s game now and they’ll take that road that was started for them by artists before them that were their example. Things are changing. Watch for the ones that think they were left behind by commercialism because that way of expression is dying fast and people know that.

 

K: Would you have done more independent films? I know that you found a niche (your word) in what you were doing but do you think you would have like to do more of those indie films?

 

P: Looking at where I was, probably not at that time. I wanted to expand but not in that direction. Now, if I were able to return tomorrow, I think I would have considered it. Yeah, I think some of that stuff would’ve been cool to be a part of. I was like everyone else. Yeah, I was a nice guy, I gave back, I loved but I still had that urge to be on those big screens.

 

K: There’s nothing wrong with that.

 

P: Absolutely not. There is nothing wrong with that. It’s what I loved to do but since you brought it up, yeah, I think I would have explored more.

 

K: But you did what you came here to do.

 

P: Yep. I did. You can never really have big…like things you think you should’ve done before you got here because you realize, in a huge way, that you did what you were meant to do. That’s just the way it is. There’s no should’ves.

 

K: So, in your view of how things are, there’s more artistry, in whatever form that takes, that is going to be more…out of the box?

 

P: I would have to say yes. This box that people keep talking about, and I’m really assuming it’s mentally, it’s getting too small. People…it’s cool because what we see from where we are…people are just (he widens his hands to show expansion) it’s unreal and so fast.

 

K: Well let’s talk about that then. I want to know, from you personally, I hear all this stuff about energy expanding and earth is in a different place in space now and things are shifting and ‘light’ is pretty much bombarding the earth. Thoughts?

 

P: Oh man. I’m still Paul you know. Not some…I’m not that Hicks guy/group thing.

 

K: Abraham?

 

P: Whichever.

 

K: I never really followed that.

 

P: Okay. (Rubs his palms on his thighs) Pffft. Give me a second.

 

K: I’m here all day.

 

P: You want like timelines or something?

 

K: No. I just want your thoughts on it. I hear various [_spiritual _]people saying these types of things and, I get this information too, but it seems there’s more of this kind of talk out there but I don’t think we really know what it means.

 

P: It’s always been there. Universe, planets, galaxies, whatever…it’s always been there but it’s coming out more because people are open to it more. It’s like…war has always been there but media is so huge now it just seems like there’s more of it because you hear about it more. It doesn’t mean it never existed. It just means there’s more eyes on it. Same kind of thing. There’s always been these changes whether it be earth or animals or climate or people. You hear about it more because there are more people who are plugged in. Does that make sense?

 

K: Yes. There are more people who are aware of these things.

 

P: Yeah and since they’re more aware, they use ‘em.

 

K: Energies?

 

P: Yeah.

 

K: Are there bigger things at play; more than we know?

 

P: Yes.

 

K: How come you’re so tight lipped?

 

P: I’m not. If you want to talk about it in layman’s terms…there are energies that are hitting Earth that are very big and are causing expansion in all life. Now, some are going to be more accepting than others. This is, in my opinion, making way for a better way of life. It’s like what we were talking about with Bowie and Prince. They paved the way for bigger and better by being an example. Same thing for just those people driving in their cars going to work or going to school it’s just you won’t see them on the news because they’re lost in the crowd but those people are just as important as any musician or actor. Yeah?

 

K: Yes. I get you. Not everyone feels good with it though. This expansion feeling.

 

P: It breaks things open. Makes a person look at themselves and not a lot of people like what they see. This causes blame games, frustration, anxiety…I could go on.

 

K: I hear a lot about old souls vs. new soul…

 

P: Old souls learn from new souls and new souls learn from old souls. It’s not a better/less than scenario. There’s a point to it.

 

K: Sharing of info.

 

P: Bingo.

 

K: People question how old their soul is. Does it matter?

 

P: Uh…in general, getting hung up on stuff prevents moving forward. Details aside, just be you.

 

K: Anything else you’d like to share today?

 

P: Nope. I’m talked out.

 

K: Highly doubtful.

 

P: You’re right. But we’ll end the public part here. Give me a couple minutes after.

 

K: No problem. Dreams?

 

P: Yeah. Bye everyone. Thanks for thinking of me and remembering me. You’ve been keeping me pretty busy. Thanks so much. Love you all. (Kisses his hand and offers it.)

 

 

 

 

Conversations with Cory Monteith

 

May 16, 2016

 

 

Today Cory Monteith came to see me. Actually, he’s been hanging around, in and out, for a couple weeks. Three maybe? He wears a white t-shirt, black hoodie and jeans. He stands. He keeps his hands in the pockets of his hoodie and when he uses his hands to talk his hoodie opens and closes. It’s unzipped. He’s very friendly but he’s concerned about opening old wounds. He doesn’t want to cause any hurt but he wants his message to be heard. He gives me the feeling that there were some assumptions made about his death or how he lived and he wanted to clear some up without going into too much detail. This man loved his life. He loved what he was doing and the people that were around him. There’s a sweetness and a softness about him. I feel like he was easily liked despite what he struggled with. As I write this he’s looking over my shoulder. Making sure I’m telling it like it is Cory? ;P No fiction here.

 

 

K: I see you. Cory?

 

C: Yeah. Hey.

 

K: How’s it going? I honestly didn’t think that you would come in.

 

C: I didn’t think so either but I wanted to. (His energy is really strong and close this time. The others, for the last couple weeks, very subtle.) I’m not really sure what to say here though. My only real…I don’t want to cause any sort of hurt or open wounds that are still really fresh.

 

K: I can understand that. You’re talking about your family and friends?

 

C: Yeah.

 

K: Is it because of the way you died?

 

C: Yeah. You know, I gave the impression that I was doing really good and I was. It’s just I slipped up and that caused…well…this.

 

K: You know, Cory. I’m not here as any sort of reporter. I’m just a messenger and translator so if you aren’t comfortable with the chat going up then I won’t put it up. Just let me know. I kind of gather that from you showing yourself and so strongly, you’re okay with it?

 

C: Getting there. (He smirks)

 

K: Cool. So, all I know from you is when I used to watch the Glee show and I haven’t really in years because I pretty much stopped watching television. Did you always act?

 

C: I did. It’s what I wanted to do since I was young but I didn’t have a lot of big roles. Glee was my big break.

 

K: Really big break.

 

C: Huge. It was cool. I met a lot of great people and I learned a lot from the experience.

 

K: Did you consider yourself a singer when you started that show?

 

C: No. Not at all. I could act. I could play drums a bit but I didn’t consider myself a singer but I tried it and I never looked back. It was good fun. There wasn’t a show like that and people really seemed to…they could put themselves in those lives or situations. I think we made high school look easy and you could just sing to make yourself feel better but I don’t think high school is easy. I wasn’t the best at school.

 

K: Didn’t go far?

 

C: No. I could care less.

 

K: Were you bored?

 

C: I just didn’t like it. I guess you could say I wanted my freedom to just be what I wanted to be without the structure of having to do the school part.

 

K: And to be did that include drugs and alcohol?

 

C: Yeah. It was part of who I was at that time.

 

K: For a long time?

 

C: Yeah.

 

K: Did you use it as an escape?

 

C: At first?

 

K: Sure.

 

C: It was…experimenting at first. You know. I don’t think anyone goes into drugs and stuff as an escape at first. I think there’s an element to that with some people but, for me personally, I was like, ‘I wonder how this would feel’ and it felt good enough to be hooked. I was hooked.

 

K: Would you say you had an addictive personality?

 

C: Yes.

 

K: Was there ever a time where you thought that you could just quit cold turkey and be done with it?

 

C: I didn’t want to. I never thought that I wanted to stop. It was always just getting to that next state of…yeah, I guess escape would be the word for it; another state of awareness.

 

K: I’ve never done drugs or anything but I’ve heard that the stuff out there now can be pretty dangerous because people who make them or take them are trying to find new and better ways to make them so…I don’t know…maybe the high is quicker, bigger, deeper?

 

C: Stuff out there now is really dangerous and if you just buy it off the street from whoever, you could be risking it all.

 

K: And many have.

 

C: Yes.

 

K: So, what made you stop?

 

C: It got really bad and I was faced with an intervention. You know, I just looked at my mom and I saw in her eyes what my actions were doing to her and I knew, at that point, I had to get help. She was my mom. I just knew that I had to make a change. So I went to rehab and cleaned myself up.

 

K: Did it last?

 

C: No. I really tried to keep it under wraps though. I really tried.

 

K: That didn’t work?

 

C: No. Another intervention. It was my career you know? I had to get my shit together if I wanted to stay acting and singing. The thing is, when a person is into the heavy drugs and alcohol, it doesn’t just affect them. It affects everyone around them but to the person who’s getting high all the time, they don’t see that. They just see the next high.

 

K: And you were in that position?

 

C: Yeah, plus, I didn’t have to steal from anyone to get anything. I had the cash so drugs were easier to get.

 

K: So how did people know? I mean those that you worked with or hung out with?

 

C: It starts to affect your work. I was hired as Cory (sober) but when I got back into substance abuse, I wasn’t Cory.

 

K: Did your work suffer?

 

C: Yeah. Relationships suffered.

 

K: Did your family know that you had relapsed? Is that even the word?

 

C: Yes.

 

K: Were you disappointed in yourself.

 

C: Fuck yeah. Really disappointed so I made it a point to try really really hard to get clean. I had a lot of support. No one hated me for my actions. They really wanted me to get to a place that I was 100% you know. I had a lot of support.

 

K: Your relationship with Lea?

 

C: I don’t think I could have done the rehab without her love, you know. She was an amazing friend and eventually more than that. I love her for everything she gave to me and how she…she really stood by me you know? She really gave me her heart because she knew me and I was honest with my struggles and she loved me through that.

 

K: You two were happy together hey?

 

C: She made me incredibly happy. I only hope that I did the same for her.

 

K: I don’t doubt that you did but, like I said, I’m not a reporter for a celebrity magazine so I won’t ask those personal questions. I’m just happy that you found that love when you were alive that made you fight to be healthy.

 

C: Thanks. Yeah. I did. She watched me though. (Laughs) She watched. I think I had her on edge a couple times. Not just her but I had people guessing sometimes. It’s a trust thing you know? It’s…you promise then you break that promise then you promise again. I’m sure people who know addicts can relate to that. Trust takes a long time to rebuild and as much as people started to trust me again, I’m sure there was still that nagging voice in them that made them question my behavior sometimes.

 

K: Do you blame them?

 

C: No. (shakes his head) Not at all. They had a right to. I knew I had to prove myself again.

 

K: So you were in Vancouver. I don’t need details but I think people would like to know, from your perspective, what happened. Generally speaking.

 

C: I…I was clean for a while and feeling healthy but I was alone and that little voice…that little voice said just one more time won’t hurt. Just once. Have one more good time. No one will know.

 

K: That was the night?

 

C: That was it. My body just kind of went… (He does an explosion type sound) It crashed. I think it just got shocked and couldn’t recover.

 

K: What did you think when you died?

 

C: (He laughs remembering) I thought I was still really high.

 

K: No way!

 

C: I totally did but it was this really HUGE high and when I saw myself I knew. I knew this was no drug high.

 

K: Was there a little freaking out?

 

C: I can’t say that it was a freak out. I know I had thoughts of am I really dead? but I didn’t freak out. I couldn’t. I just kind of watched with a knowing that Cory was done. There was always a part of me, when I was alive, that knew I could die. You see it all the time with people. That one last hit that they never wake up from. I knew there was that chance but at the same time…I thought I could escape that one time that would take me.

 

K: How strong is a physical body when it comes to drugs?

 

C: Too a point…it’s strong. The body is an incredible thing. It can heal itself and it can be really forgiving.

 

K: Do you think that the mind has something to do with that?

 

C: Sure. When you have good health on your mind and you think that way, the body responds in that manner. My recovery, when I was good and my mind was good, was fast. When my state of mind was, like, listened to, I was healthy.

 

K: But with an addictive personality, support from family or friends or professionals helps a lot in that way, no?

 

C: We need that. We need that constant validation that we’re doing good because sometimes, when you sit in that darkness that makes you want to escape with drugs or alcohol you…well I needed validation that said, ‘Cory, I know it’s tough but you got this. You totally can beat this.’

 

K: And you had that?

 

C: I did. There were times that I ignored it and thought I knew better but I really didn’t.

 

K: Is recovery hard?

 

C: You gotta explore yourself and your life and where you fit in and why you don’t fit in. It’s a lot of self-reflection and sometimes you don’t like what you see. You can either overcome that and be okay with those things that hurt or you just keep hurting. It’s really a choice and it’s not an easy choice. I give a lot of credit to those who make the best one. Not just for their family and friends but for them. To look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself, on a shitty day, that everything is going to be okay…it’s really really hard. Especially for an addict because you feel like you need those other things to make it okay. The state of mind in those situations is really important and can make or break it. Addicts don’t need critism or to be condemned. They need to hear that support and validation that they’re still really great people. Under all that shit that they’ve done or they’re doing… they need to know they’re still loved. Many people with addictions don’t have that. Those people who know addicts, look at their torment and consider THAT the person when it’s the behavior that’s hurting them. Not the person.

 

K: It’s really really hard to separate that though. Especially when it goes on for years and years or there’s abuse of any kind. It’s really difficult to see past that and only see the actions.

 

C: I get that. Now I get that more than ever.

 

K: Did you say goodbye, in your own way, to those that were closest to you.

 

C: I held them all and I said I was sorry. (He gets really quiet and my heart breaks a little with what I’m feeling.) But sorry doesn’t really cut it sometimes.

 

K: Do you help, in some way, where you are?

 

 

He shows me those in the streets that use drugs and are in really bad shape and he shows me that he’s there with them trying to give them support that they don’t have.

 

 

C: I was lucky. I had love. Those desperate and destitute on the streets…those young kids who can’t go home and turn to each other in alleys and stuff, I try to be there.

 

K: Do they know you’re there?

 

C: No. When you’re in that state of…when you’re cut off from everything around you because you can’t get out of that hole you put yourself in…you don’t see anything. But I try to love ‘em the way I was loved. Sometimes….

 

 

(He shows me a young girl who actually throws away the drugs and walks into a treatment centre)

 

 

C: Sometimes I catch a break. (He smiles proudly)

 

K: Do you still hold blame for your actions?

 

C: No. I’m okay. Obviously, I can’t take back what happened. It was a big shitty fuck up on my part but I know that in my life, I went through what I needed to at the time. It’s not easy for people to hear that we choose what we do in life and there are consequences to those choices. But…we end up being okay in the end whether that end is life or getting the help we need to survive.

 

K: Was your death your time? Your time to go?

 

C: Yes.

 

K: There was no suicide involved?

 

C: No. Absolutely not. I had it all. I didn’t want to leave that. I just had that voice that said one more won’t hurt. (He shrugs) I always listened to that voice.

 

K: Were you feeling a little lost when you were in that hotel room?

 

C: Nope. Just thought ‘what would one more party hurt?’ (He laughs)

 

K: Where you in pain…I mean physically?

 

C: No. I didn’t feel any pain.

 

K: Wow. The pictures and feelings you’re giving me…you really had no clue that you passed away.

 

C: Nope. Well, eventually, yeah.

 

K: I think you’re really cool to be sharing this experience with me and, well those that read it. Did you want me to publish it?

 

C: It makes me nervous but sure. Go ahead. Maybe it can give someone some comfort. Either someone who uses or someone that knows someone that uses. I wish I could help everyone but maybe through my story it can.

 

K: Do you think that there a lot of those that died, from overdoses or mixing, thought one more’s okay?

 

C: It’s either that or they just use and use and use and they have no idea that their body just quits. Like a permanent high where you have no idea about what’s going on in life or what’s going on around you or within you. A body can only take so much. So there’s a few scenarios.

 

K: Huh. I can honestly say that I can’t see myself ever experiencing those scenarios but as a parent, you only hope that you don’t have to witness your child or any child having to battle that.

 

C: It was hard. (He shows me his parents)

 

K: I get the feeling they still need some sort of closure.

 

C: Yeah. You know, me and my dad…we weren’t so close so he has questions and thinks a lot of what if’s but…for me there’s none. There’s just being okay and making them see that in any way I know how.

 

K: I always tell people they can actually speak to those they’ve lost. Do you believe that’s true?

 

C: Those private conversations that we (Spirit) have with those closest to us…they mean a lot. Especially when they watch around them and say ‘Cory?’ or whoever. It’s like a break through. I can’t speak for everyone but for me…it feels like I just accomplished something so cool.

 

K: Aw. I feel that. I think relationships can still be there if you want them to be.

 

C: Yeah. They can. But they have to be supported too right? Relationships of all kinds need that continued support on all parts and knowing that we’re not gone is a big help.

 

K: Thank you so much Cory. Thank you for coming. I know it wasn’t easy for you to share some of these things. I really appreciate you coming through. It’s so funny, sometimes, how it happens. What was it? The Glee soundtrack came on?

 

C: (laughs) Yeah. Opened a door. Thanks Kim. Kim okay?

 

K: Sure. I’m easy that way.

 

 

He raises an eyebrow.

 

 

K: In the name way! Geez.

 

C: This was good. Thanks.

 

K: No, thank you. Pop in anytime but don’t be so hesitant the next time.

 

C: Thanks. See ya.

 

K: Bye.

 

 

Turns and walks away. Looks back, waves, then is gone.

 

 

 

 

Conversations with Grigori Rasputin

 

May 19, 2016

 

 

I was pretty hesitant with this one. I’m not even completely sure how he came to me. It was one morning that I was making my bed and he was there. He came with these eyes that were penetrating. I asked him to step back so it wasn’t so daunting. He was around for a good week before I decided to let him through. I had to do a little research, like I did with Anne, because all I knew about him was how he was portrayed in movies as a lover to the Tsarina and, well, an evil sorcerer type man. He was patient with my preconceived notions of how he was when he lived. He allowed me to put him on trial a couple of times because, in his words, I didn’t know any different. He draws a person in. I can see why people were intrigued by him. He’s very magnetic. Again, this was unexpected and sometimes his accent was very thick so I hope all you readers can understand what I transcribed. Word for word. That’s what I promise Spirit when they come in. He has dark brown, almost black robes on and he sits very comfortably when I’m ready to spend time asking him questions. Sometimes he’s amused, sometimes he’s forthright but through the whole thing it’s pretty casual.

 

 

K: What would you like me to call you?

 

R: (He shrugs) What do you call me when you see my face?

 

K: Rasputin but your name is Grigori?

 

R: I was. I am. That life will always be a part of me.

 

K: Do you come to me as him though because I see you as him.

 

R: Of course. It is me.

 

K: I’m still getting used to seeing these faces and when I saw you come, it was surprising because there’s usually some sort of invitation whether it be a website or a song or an article. You were out of the blue.

 

R: Yes. It is interesting, no, how when one starts to open up, anyone or anything can connect. I have been where you are. It is not easy to learn such connections but it is there. My presence is of my making. Not yours. I come on my own. I do not need any introduction. It is only with your permission that I speak. You told me I have it. Thank you.

 

K: Of course but I have to be honest, you are a huge energy and from what I know about how you lived, which isn’t much, I wasn’t sure about this one.

 

R: Yes. It is expected.

 

K: When I feel your presence it almost feels like, and I’m going to get crap for saying something like this, but almost as if a Saint were present with me.

 

R: (Chuckles) Even Saints were human. I had many difficulties when I lived but my Spirit would not stop even at times when I did not want to act that part.

 

K: Did you feel you had a choice in how open, spiritually speaking, you were. Were you born with these gifts?

 

R: I was born with unique abilities that I did not understand and fought. I did not want to serve a higher being. I wanted to serve me.

 

K: People thought you were a fake. People thought you were good at faking psychic gifts; that you only had this ability to look at a person and know how to take advantage.

 

R: Hhhmmm. (He strokes his beard) Yes. And what do they say about you?

 

K: I don’t know. I’ve only heard the appreciation. If people think I’m crazy, they don’t voice it.

 

R: I will tell you something. People will judge what they are afraid to know; what they are afraid to understand. I was not understood. I had gifts but I did not use them for proper purposes. I wanted self-fulfillment.

 

K: Were you able to speak with animals? They call people like that animal whisperers.

 

R: I connected with nature in all ways and with all life. Had I not…to connect with nature is to connect with You. (He’s not talking about me. He’s talking about Self.) It is to connect with all there is. It is life. It was easy for me, when I wanted to, to do these things. I did not always want to.

 

K: Were you a seer?

 

R: I could see much. I could feel much.

 

K: Someone said you just had this knowing, like you could look at someone with those eyes of yours and see through them and all of them. Is this true?

 

R: Yes. You call these people readers?

 

K: Were you a healer?

 

R: Yes.

 

K: A miracle worker?

 

R: (Laughs) It is all the same. You have your energy healers no?

 

K: You mean like Reiki?

 

R: Okay. It is the same.

 

K: So, when you helped Alexei with his bleeding you used Reiki?

 

R: I used the power of God. It is the energy of the miracle. A healer, a reader, one who speaks to the beyond, it is all the same. For some, it is stronger. For some it is immediate. For others, it is learned. I never cared to learn. How does one learn when one has the gift already?

 

K: You wanted fame for your capabilities?

 

R: (Smirks) Do you imply I only wanted applause? As a magician in a show?

 

K: Did you?

 

R: At times.

 

K: You married a woman that didn’t fall for your advances. Was it one of those situations where the one that was hard to get was almost like trying to conquer that mountain?

 

R: Hers was a will that matched my own. She was strong. She did not need to be married to know her worth. She knew of respect and that she was worthy.

 

K: Um, you were not faithful to her. Was that respecting her?

 

R: She accepted me as I was. She knew of my way…my indiscretions and my human nature. It was not a secret and I never acted as if it was.

 

K: You had children. What kind of father were you?

 

R: I was an absent father but a loving father. I loved my children. I had a love of children; all children.

 

K: I read that you spent some time in a monastery. Did that shape you in some way? In your spiritual ways?

 

R: I met a priest and he beseeched me to curb my…desires and use my gifts to the benefit of all. I found this a struggle. I did not wish to become a monk. I had no desire to limit myself in that way. I experienced a deeper understanding of my capabilities as a healer and my abilities as a mystic. This is what I was perceived to be. I did not argue this. I found understanding in those things that I struggled to explain. I did not require to explain myself and my ways to others. I did, however, need understanding for me.

 

K: They called you a guru.

 

R: There were better gurus than me.

 

K: Did you consider having Spiritual gifts equal to having power? Power over others?

 

R: At times, yes. In other instances, in other desperate instances, my heart spoke louder than my mind.

 

K: You lost a brother at a young age? Sometimes these prophetic and mystic gifts come to a person after a big and trying event in one’s life; an event that is usually on the traumatic side? Did you think that watching your brother die shocked you into a higher knowledge?

 

R: You mean awaken something within me that is connection?

 

K: Sure. You put it much better than me.

 

R: (He smiles softly) I was angry and began to ask why. When I began to ask why the answers came in sight and in feeling. I was wise to the Divinity that was around me but I was angry at the circumstances. Healing was not quick. It took time.

 

K: Do you believe that your anger towards losing your brother in drowning had to do with your behavior? Apparently you drank, liked the ladies, were outspoken and from what I’m seeing, in an overbearing way.

 

R: It would be an easy excuse to use the memory of my brother and his tragic passing to reason my behavior but I could not now.

 

K: So, no?

 

R: No.

 

K: Were you respected for that part of your life that was your religious/spiritual beliefs?

 

R: I acted as a hypocrite so could not be taken seriously. Only when people asked me for assistance out of desperation was I seen as the person who I was.

 

K: So underneath all of that…

 

R: You stumble on your questions because you concern yourself with offending me. Malyutka, you cannot offend me when asking the truth. I do not believe you want to hang me to dry as others have. Please ask the uncomfortable for there is truth there.

 

K: Oh boy. Okay. What does Malyutka mean? I’ve heard you say it a couple times.

 

R: You would understand it as little one.

 

K: Look at you being all sweet and stuff.

 

R: I can be as you are feeling now.

 

K: Goes along with that Saint feeling I get from you. I can honestly tell you I’m less nervous now.

 

R: So then ask for truth.

 

K: So underneath all of the promiscuity was a person that actually cared?

 

R: I cared very much for the people or Russia. They assumed I did not. The behavior was frowned at but the behavior was that of a different reason.

 

K: Were you an alcoholic?

 

R: Yes.

 

K: When would you have considered yourself an alcoholic? Was there a difference between drinking heavily and dependency?

 

R: When I was attacked I used alcohol for comfort from physical pain. (Attacked by a woman who knifed him , leaving serious wounds in his abdomen.) But, I did also use alcohol to gain power. It kept my fears at bay. But, after a time, my mind was weakened and I acted out in terrible ways.

 

K: Were you addicted to sex? I read that you said there was redemption through sin. So did you think that by sinning as much as possible you’d reach some sort of mastery and redemption in human form?

 

R: I enjoyed the physical pleasure of sex. It sustained me. I needed that. I needed to control another in that way. Was I addicted? Okay. Did I use spirituality and religious ideologies to excuse it? Yes. I did not respect the emotion of sexual acts. It was the animalistic side of me and I did not wish to hide that.

 

K: Did you lose some of that sacredness which was You to those needs?

 

R: Yes. It is natural. It is not wrong but using sexuality as a means of control is. Power does not come from demoralizing another; demanding from another.

 

K: Were you addicted to power?

 

R: Yes.

 

K: Did you have it?

 

R: For a time.

 

K: I want to say there was a fascination about the mystery of you? Were people intrigued with you? Was that your supposed power over women? That you had this mystery about you?

 

R: I used words of mystery, of things women found enticing. I left conversation open and they would come back. The energy of words is powerful and can be used for and can be used against.

 

K: Did you target those that you thought less insightful or maybe even less intelligent than you?

 

R: Yes.

 

K: In that same sense, did you think, at that time you were alive, that you were smarter than a lot of people?

 

R: It was difficult to have a meeting of the minds with like-minded people that I crossed paths with. It excited me when this happened but I did not feel that it did very often.

 

K: Would you say you liked to have an entourage around you of people that made you feel superior?

 

R: Yes.

 

K: Your relationship with Tsarina Alexandra?

 

R: This is very interesting to those of your world, no?

 

K: It is. Conspiracy is addictive to some. So is gossip. I’m sure it was when you were here to.

 

R: (He laughs really loud) It is why I died Kimberly. Rumor. Vicious lies.

 

K: Can I be honest?

 

R: Please.

 

K: Your reported behavior didn’t leave room for anything other than assumption.

 

R: (Grins amused) I would have enjoyed your company in Russia. You ask what people do not wish to after being assured it is okay.

 

K: I’ll take it as a compliment.

 

R: I assure you it is. My behavior gave rise to my fall.

 

K: But you say a lot of it had to do with addiction. Were you comfortable with yourself as a sober man?

 

R: Interesting. No. You might say I felt much responsibility because of…my abilities.

 

K: So alcohol gave some sort of courage?

 

R: Yes. In your youth, did you not indulge at times to gain courage?

 

K: False courage, now that I look back on my youth.

 

R: Yes. False courage. I agree.

 

K: So, Tsarina?

 

R: Yes.

 

K: Were you romantically involved with Tsarina Alexandra.

 

R: We were fond of each other. We were dear friends. I was not sexually involved with the Tsarina. She was a romantic. She was a romantic with all those she loved. Her heart was for her husband. She was faithful to her husband.

 

K: Some say that your voice was hers. That the direction she gave, while Nicholas was at war, was that of your mouth and not hers. I would like to ask, was her voice yours?

 

R: (Grins that amused grin again.) Alexandra was very wise and she knew what she wanted and what she would stand for. Not everything that was shared with Nicholas was my advice. At times, my name would be used but they were Alexandra’s desires, wants and wishes. Not my own.

 

K: Did you really see the fate of Russia? Did you predict how badly it would go? All the bloodshed?

 

R: I knew because I saw. No one believes those that cannot prove.

 

K: Was not fighting considered?

 

R: Yes. Russia was a caged lion. The lion was confronted, let out and attacked. But a caged lion does not know how to fight in the wild.

 

K: And your prediction about your death; if it was by the hand of the Tsar’s family it would cause the family to die. Did you see this?

 

 

(He shows me the wheel of Karma)

 

 

K: You cannot be serious??

 

R: Action and consequence.

 

K: But they didn’t know people were out to kill you.

 

R: They didn’t and they were not to blame but they were not surprised.

 

K: Did you feel that they should’ve protected you?

 

R: No. There were much more serious things to think on than my death. My death, for some of the family, was a relief. I brought rumor and conspiracy upon them. My reputation was tied with theirs.

 

K: Did you heal their son? Alexei? Of his illness?

 

R: There is power in prayer. There is miracle in prayer. For some, the power of intention, of knowing, creates miracles. I was but a conduit of heaven’s miracle work. He was not cured of his disease; of his illness. I only kept it at bay. Doctors only knew some knowledge of medicine. I knew of nature and her healing ways. Thankfully, Alexandra was open to such things.

 

K: Like herbs?

 

R: At times.

 

K: Do you think, because of your…I believe you truly wanted to help him so do you think she felt that and knew you only had his best interests at heart?

 

R: Yes. Children…I care very much for.

 

K: Did you want political power in Russia?

 

R: I wanted the power to speak and be heard. I wanted my ideas to spread to the minds and hearts of the people. These were egoic power plays. They were for my benefit only. Not the benefit of the Russian people. I craved power from an early age. I thought, because of my gifts from God, it made me better than others around me. I did not realize that it did not make me better but would lower me to a grave. People do not wish to be spoken to. People wish to be spoken with. I could not be spoken with. Only very few people could have equality with me for I decided, quite early in life, that I deserved and had a right to power from anyone.

 

K: Again, this tied into your behavior with women? What did you really think of women?

 

R: Women fascinated me but many did not feel this way for themselves. This made them easy conquests.

 

K: Except for the handful that you respected?

 

R: Yes.

 

K: Did you believe in freedom that way? In sexuality? The freedom to explore whether or not it was comfortable or uncomfortable to another?

 

R: Look at the freedom that was taken by humans in your 1960’s (He shows me this time period. I just typed the year.) People needed freedom of self-expression, whatever form that took. It was not only then that those things were practiced. It is only that they were practiced in secrecy in my time. Sexual exploration has always been there. It is mostly done in secrecy.

 

K: Sexual exploitation of individuals that didn’t know any better?

 

R: (Sits back. He’s enjoying the back talk I give sometimes.) I cannot argue your point. Now as I have had much time to contemplate how I lived, I do not make excuses nor do I wish change minds of assumptions based on accusations and rumor. I have lived that. I do not live that now. I do not blame you for questioning how I lived. This is what I come for. You do well to see both sides. I am impressed. You are aware that not many of those that knew of me cared to know me?

 

K: I am aware. But I also know that people were very drawn to you. You had a very magnetic personality. The way you spoke got people hooked and wanting to hear more. Because you came to me with your eyes, I feel that people were either scared of what they saw in them or tempted. Maybe even just drawn into you by how deep they could see themselves in your stare.

 

R: You, Malyutka, are quite observant in that which you see. I am pleasantly surprised. I thank you. Do not cover your translation of me for I would like it as it is.

 

K: I don’t do this any other way.

 

R: Ah. Yes. Forgive me.

 

K: Sure. No problem. Okay, so let’s talk cyanide. Why didn’t it kill you?

 

R: I was not to die from poison.

 

K: So, even if you weren’t shot you wouldn’t have died from the pastries or the drink? It was full of poison.

 

R: (Very nonchalant) I was not to die by poison.

 

K: Drowning?

 

R: Yes.

 

K: Is it true you were still alive when they tossed you into the river?

 

R: Yes.

 

K: How is it that a man could survive…torture, only to succumb to drowning?

 

 

He shows me something like not only dying by drowning? It’s odd. He shows me cold.

 

 

K: I don’t understand.

 

R: The chill of the river delivered me to my grave.

 

K: Hypothermia?

 

R: Yes.

 

K: So that got you first and then you drowned.

 

R: My physical body drowned. I died by chill.

 

 

My body tells me it was friggin’ cold and as I translate this he laughs.

 

 

R: Russia is cold.

 

K: I heard they burned your corpse after it was buried. Why?

 

R: I was evil. In their eyes I was evil. Superstition. People fear the superstition around who I was. They did not want me to come back.

 

K: Huh. Kind of like burning a witch at the stake?

 

R: Precisely.

 

K: So now that it’s done and you lived that life, how are you?

 

R: I did what I did. I lived how I lived. I do not excuse it and I do not regret it.

 

K: So, you came to me because you wanted a chance to speak. Did you say what you wanted to say?

 

R: I wish for people, all people, do not fear your power but do not be a slave to it either. I was a slave to what I wanted, my desires and my wishes. I could not find balance between my ego and my love. My hope is that, by my example in life, that those who know of their great gifts use them for good and do not fear what they are.

 

K: Are there people here now with gifts that you experienced but fought?

 

R: There are many and many do not know what it is they go through or what they see and feel and they panic. Believe that the gifts you receive, that which you are meant to do that others do not understand, believe that it is special for each individual. It is not to compete for there is no competition in love. Each individual has gifts that combine with another’s to give great awareness to this earth. It is time to work together in Spirit.

 

K: Do you think that if you turned more towards love and not ego you could have had a different impact on Russia and its people?

 

R: It was not my role to play. I cannot say.

 

K: How did you feel about your country?

 

R: I have only love for my country; how it was and how it is now. No matter what has happened, it is all still part of me. It is an important part of all of me that I will take with me in all ways.

 

K: That’s awesome.

 

R: I encourage people to have a voice. To speak and to listen. To hear and to allow. The fight is over. The time of cooperation is now.

 

K: This has been very eye opening and I have a better understanding of your side. To tell you the truth, I had no idea who you really were. I just had assumptions, like many do, that you were a lover to the Tsarina. I had heard that you were considered a fake and stuff like that but I’m glad that you came through. You had your struggles for sure but…you enjoyed them. You must have or you didn’t know another way.

 

R: I did not know another way to be nor did I wish to. I did not wish to go deeper into myself. I did not wish to see my potential or who I truly was. This was my fear. It was easier to be lost in disillusion. It was not all the time. Connecting with like-minded individuals was my safe haven. Those people did not present themselves as much as I would have like them to.

 

K: Did you ever wish you had stayed at the monastery where you could freely explore that higher aspect of yourself?

 

R: I explored that in nature. Nature was my refuge. I respected my place in nature and what she gave me. Besides my wife, nature was the only other woman I held great reverence and respect for. I cared for many women. My heart belonged to many. My soul belonged to two.

 

K: So the ones that you loved you didn’t exploit.

 

R: No. I did not.

 

K: And in some crazy way, I believe you. Thank you so much. As much as I have surprised you, you have surprised me. Can’t say people that read this will completely agree with everything that’s been said though.

 

R: This does not concern me for reasons that I have explained. To know oneself is to know God. It is only between Self and God that there is truth. Another’s beliefs based on assumption does not matter. This does not matter.

 

K: No. It doesn’t does it. Thank you Grigori. Thank you so much. Do you want me to share your words?

 

R: It would honor me for you to do so. Thank you for hearing me and inviting me to be with you these days. I will leave you now.

 

 

He hears me sigh and laughs. I’m kind of relieved because this was a heavy one. He later tells me it’s because of preconceived ideas. He bows to me, turns and is gone.

 

 

 

Conversations with Paul Walker – Orlando and Intolerance

 

June 13, 2016

 

 

For those of you who are new to reading my blog, I met Paul a while back and it was the start of a door opening to these conversations with people who are pretty well known. I was never really a fan of his movies. The most I knew of him was by name so when he came to me at work one day it was a bit of a shocker. Since then, we speak regularly and today he really really wanted to come in because he wanted to talk about the tragedy in Orlando and intolerance in general. He’s with everyone that has been affected by this. He’s pretty insistent today so I couldn’t put him on hold very long. Normally he’s very laid back and ‘chill’ (His word not mine. I’m not cool enough to pull that off.) but today he talked really fast and shared immense feeling in my heart/chest. It actually kind of took my breath away at times. Much love to everyone.

 

 

K: Okay. Come on in.

 

P: You good? You got your coffee. You’re settled?

 

K: I’m good. I feel, like, this urgency with you today. What’s going on?

 

P: (Groans. He’s rubbing his hands together as he sits deciding how to start this.) I just want the chance for people to know that I actually still care. I may not be there physically but…what happens in my country I see it and I want it understood that I still care and it still affects me because, like, that’s my home and my family’s there. The people in the U.S…I care a great deal for. I’ve travelled and I’ve gained a lot through my experiences of living that life of Paul Walker, you know. Where ever that took me, I loved the experiences and the people but I gotta be honest with you, there’s nothing like home. I see what’s happening there and I see the fears and the…violence because of these ideas that not everyone is worthy of that emotion of love. It still gets to me and, you know, if I had a rooftop to shout to everyone just love each other I would. I would shout it but then, I think to myself, would people hear it? There’s, like, this feeling of what’s next? and in that there’s a lot of uncertainty and it’s making people nervous. These situations aren’t happening to be ignored or to make people turn away. It’s happening because these instances of racism and intolerance need to stop. Things happen so the problem is made aware of time and time again so change can happen. What’s it gonna take to start the change that’s needed. Sorry, Kim. I’m rambling.

 

 

He was. It was kind of hard to follow and I don’t edit much because I promise word for word.

 

 

K: That’s okay. Are you talking about the shooting in Orlando?

 

P: Yeah and the death of that beautiful girl and you know…those instances made the news but there are so many more that happen on a daily basis because of intolerance. Daily intolerance of people no matter what their differences are.

 

K: So, give an example of what you see on a daily basis.

 

P: Okay, so let’s talk…

 

K: You’re putting a lot of situations in my head here Paul. Stick to one so I can keep it straight.

 

P: I don’t want to make this a talk about the LGBTQ community again but it doesn’t take a genius to see that this group of people are constantly faced with intolerance because those that make the passing comments or the passing glances are unwilling to understand or even learn that love, in any way shape or form, is okay. It’s okay, cool even, to have that freedom to be with whoever. It’s important. It gives a person a safe place, a home that they can come back to when the world is on their shoulders. So what it’s different, so it’s not the norm. It’s normal to those couples that express themselves that way and for someone to be angry or insulted by it…it just tells me, you know, that they’re not getting that true love in their lives. The anger’s gotta stop. What’s to be angry about when you see two people care about each other and not hate each other? Rambling again.

 

K: I agree. I know, even though you’re in a different space, you can still feel bothered by it.

 

P: It’s only ‘cause I can see what could be and it’s so close. I’m not sitting here and saying there’s intolerance everywhere. People are starting to understand that people have their rights and as long as it’s not hurting anyone, it’s fine. Right?

 

K: Sure but I think it’s more about comfort level than anything. Especially with the…dare I say…older generation. There’s trouble accepting what they aren’t used to.

 

P: Sure. Yeah. I get that. When you get here it’s…you can see so much potential and why’s and how’s and truth. We (Spirit) sometimes forget that people can’t see that yet and they still have to play out these scenes to get there. Unfortunately, some of these scenes affect so much.

 

K: You’ve spoken about reactions. Was this situation a reaction to…like was this guy triggered by something?

 

P: Yeah, he was triggered by intolerance and the views of a group of people that he followed. You should know that he did this on his own. He may have followed the teachings of this so-called group (he’s not calling any terrorists out. He’s not one to point fingers. He wasn’t when he was alive and he’s not now.) but the shooter totally did this on his own.

 

K: Yeah. I know.

 

P: So here’s the thing. The reasoning of situations like this is like that talk we had about retribution and blame, right. We can blame blame blame. We can get back at people. It’s just continuing that cycle right? There’s no reasoning these acts of violence. Absolutely not. The guy went in there because he took it into his own hands to show what he believed in and what wasn’t right, in his mind. To sit there and try to rationalize and blame isn’t going to solve anything. Turning off the news after being bombarded with these images and sharing them on various social media outlets isn’t going to solve anything. It happened and now it’s time to pick up the pieces and heal. Heal those who are directly affected and use it as a…not a platform…but as an example of part of what this world needs to heal now.

 

K: Would you say that we need to heal from the effects of intolerance or intolerance itself?

 

P: Both. It’s a cycle of abuse, you know. I’m gonna put myself with my country because it’s part of me. It’s who I am. We need to heal from intolerance, blame, judgement, insecurities, self-doubt and these are all really connected to each other.

 

K: How do we do this?

 

P: It’s a big word and not everyone is comfortable with it but acceptance is a huge one and you’ve heard of me talk about reactions. Well, people gotta curb that. It’s like, people, chill out.

 

K: I’ve been told that Spirit has detachment from stuff like this. Like, they don’t get emotionally involved, it is what it is, yadda yadda yadda. But you have this passion about you right now that cannot be missed and I just have to tell people, if you’re reading this, you (Paul) just want…I think you want people to know that you love a lot and you want them to know that you care immensely about what happens within your country, and really, the world. You gave your voice to groups or causes when you were alive and it hasn’t changed, has it. (more of a statement)

 

P: Absolutely not. You know, the person I was is the Spirit I am and I just…I still see and care about everything that happens especially during these times, you know, because people need to know they are loved. Lives aren’t lived in vain. Sure, there’s purpose to all that happens but at the same time, living a life is still living and I get that it’s difficult for people to show who they really are when they’re faced with the possible consequences of that.

 

K: Consequences meaning…

 

P: Crap remarks or passing comments, violence. Like, you’re holding hands with your partner or a homeless man is asking for food and as innocent as these acts are, they’re condemned for it because that person that saw the hand holding or was asked for some food can’t understand or is really unwilling to understand. It’s the unwillingness to understand because it’s…if you’re not willing to look at yourself, you won’t be willing to look at another.

 

K: What can you say to everyone affected by the events in Orlando or just affected by intolerance in general?

 

P: That, if I could hug each and every one of you and tell you that you have way more people that love you than you know, including me. That even in just the smallest capacity (squeezes fingers together to show small) be cool with the thought that your loved ones are well taken care of and that while they lived that night, they were so happy because they lived who they were in their hearts and not what someone told them to be. I mean, I can take you back to that night and I can tell you, that place was alive with happiness and partying and laughter (he laughs a little) it was a hell of a good time. I could talk to everyone forever, if I could, if it would give them any sort of comfort because it wasn’t just earth that watched, you know. We all take notice when stuff like this happens and we immediately go to help in whatever capacity that may be.

 

K: The news was saying it’s being investigated for being an act of terrorism and I think sometimes that gets shoved under the umbrella of another country attacking another. Was this an act of terrorism?

 

P: Personal terrorism with the excuse of…you talked about the umbrella of country verses country. This was using another terrorist group as a tool, if you will, to do it but the guy worked on his own.

 

K: The news was saying he was bipolar and I have to be honest with people that read this that the shooter did come into my meditations last night. Before I went to bed I just read the headlines and of course, it’s kind of an invitation for how I work, so he stepped in and told me that it was the part of his brain that worked in…it was the part of him that was self-serving. I guess that’s the only way I can put it. He listened to that side of his brain more. Do you think, Paul, or do you know if it was also because of his bipolar mind that was a catalyst for this situation?

 

P: Absolutely. It was easier for him to listen to his ego, to his sense of self-empowerment, by taking the lives of innocent people that he was more inclined to listen to. Dude was power hungry. Yes, he had some issues in here (he points to his head) but he could never accept, in his mind, what was ‘wrong’ to him. There was more to it than just a LGBT issue. It went deeper than that and as you know, that club was what he targeted.

 

K: Interesting. Yeah, that was a surprise conversation. It didn’t last long. To be honest, I didn’t really want it to.

 

P: Yeah.

 

K: Is there anything else you want to say on the Orlando thing?

 

P: I…Don’t let it taint your view of humanity because as huge as a tragedy it is, people are really cool. Don’t hold the actions of this guy too high, right. Let it be, like, this big reason for change. Change in how a person views another. Change in how people communicate. Change in how people can start a conversation about equality and staying true to yourself. I just…harboring resentment is a choice when so much change for the better can come out of these tragedies. Yes, as a family, as lovers, as friends, as a nation and as a world, let yourself mourn in the ways you have to. Let yourself grieve but let it be an invitation to come together and just be cool with one another. I can only speak for me because the U.S. was my home but think about it. United States. United. United People. Unite. Unite in what makes nations great and that’s in the diversity; in the differences of who lives there. It’s not an excuse to keep yourselves separate. Even in the name (of the country) it’s a chance to Unite.

 

K: Wow. That was awesome. I can feel how proud you are. It gets me a little weepy actually.

 

P: Physically, I’m toast. But I’m still there with them. I still am and I see what happens and I lend myself to help even if I can’t be there physically. I’m there to help in any way that I possibly can and if that means holding someone in their sadness until they can smile again, even if we didn’t know each other when I was there, it’s what I’ll do. Especially in circumstances like this. I’ll hug ‘em back to happiness. I’ll hug ‘em back to knowing how important they are.

 

K: So if they call you, you’ll be there.

 

P: Scouts honor. (puts up the fingers of his hand)

 

K: You’re such a cool guy.

 

P: I take care of mine and by mine I mean everyone that asks.

 

K: Thanks Paul.

 

P: I’ll leave you to it. Share it okay.

 

K: I will. It’s going up as soon as I can get it done.

 

P: Thanks. Love you guys. (Kisses his hand and offers it) See ya Kim.

 

K: Bye.

 

 

 

Conversations with Terry Fox

 

June 16, 2016

 

 

I spoke to a hero today and I don’t say that lightly. Who he was and is to this country makes me awfully proud to call myself Canadian. He is very easy going with me. He enjoys that he’s with me and we can speak freely together and likes that he can talk about his experiences after the fact. He’s wearing brown pants and a white t-shirt. He has that curly hair that he’s known for. To me he feels like he’s older than the age he died but he presents himself as how we see him in those iconic photos. Terry comes in with two legs which he will explain later on in the conversation. He’s humble and he’s really just easy and friendly. I get that he had his moments of frustration when he lived but right now, as Terry the Spirit, he surrounds me with complete understanding of a bigger picture; that what he went through and what he achieved wasn’t all in vain but sparked that initiative that continues today. I really loved this talk and I feel so…like I could take on anything like a champ and right now (Eye of the Tiger) and I think, for me and the rest of this world, we really need to feel something like that. Words hold energy and I hope his energy stays with you even after you close this page. I present to you my chat with Terry Fox.

 

 

T: I’m on?

 

K: You are on. How are you?

 

T: I’m pretty good actually. I don’t do…well, I haven’t done something like this really. I’ve been with family and stuff like that but I’ve never done this kind of thing before. It’s actually pretty cool.

 

K: Yeah. It’s different that’s for sure but I think that more people are doing these kinds of things because…well…maybe curiosity or relaying messages. For me, I think it’s a little of both.

 

T: And if you’re speaking about me, personally, I guess I would have to say that it would be interesting to give an idea about who I was, at the time you’re asking about, after it all happened. Because now I can see the why where if you were to ask me things when I was living that life, I wouldn’t have the why’s. I would just be speaking from that place that…like this is what I’m doing and why I’m doing it and it’s for this reason. I mean, I guess I would be doing that anyway here but it means more because I would have a better understanding.

 

K: Yeah. It’s that better understanding that I’m interested in because, when you’re living a life here, for me personally, I tend to get bogged down by the little nuances and everyday happenings often questioning why why why but I know better. I have this understanding, if you can call it that because I’m still using that human part of myself, but inside I know that there are bigger things out there than just the daily little stuff. I’m comparing here, obviously.

 

T: Yeah, no, I get what you’re saying and really, when you’re in the thick of that life, you can get kind of buried in that why. The why me, why now, why can’t I stuff. People are handed instances in their lives and deal with it differently. I was handed this huge reality and I had to deal with it in my own way as a young man that really, if you think about it, hadn’t lived or experienced life that long. I was a young guy and when you think of a young guy you think, oh, he has his whole life ahead of him, when really I was dealt a card that didn’t say that. I was hopeful that I had my whole life ahead of me but that road wasn’t the road I was supposed to take.

 

 

In saying whole life it’s an assumption that he would have lived to an old man.

 

 

K: When you were first diagnosed with cancer, what did you think? Did you go through that pity party or did you decide to fight it right then and there and you had that warrior mentality?

 

T: I had to get my head in the game. It was tough to swallow. I was this active kid. I liked sports. I liked to move my body. I was competitive and then this guy in a white coat says I’m going to lose my leg because there’s cancer in it. It was the only treatment I could get plus the chemo and stuff. I had to lose my leg. It was a lot and I didn’t turn into a warrior at first. At first I got really angry. I struggled with it. It was a harsh place for a kid to be in.

 

K: What was a turning point?

 

T: (shrugs) I don’t think…when I was going through those initial fears there wasn’t a turning point. It was only when I was recovering that I had a turning point. I was lucky. I was surviving. I was beating this thing that was attacking me. It was when I was watching others that weren’t beating it that I had this…epiphany; I guess you could call it, that in what I was going through I could give awareness. I didn’t understand why I was winning and other people weren’t. Why did I get so…if you want to use the word lucky and these other people had no chance.

 

K: Were there people that you saw that had no chance.

 

T: Yeah. At those times, cancer that someone could beat now because of the advancements of treatments, would take a life in a matter of months.

 

K: I guess medicine has come a long way since you’ve had the cancer experience.

 

T: A huge amount. It’s advanced further than…I don’t think, at the time that I was being treated, that doctors could dream of the advancement in research and treatment that is available now and saying that, I don’t think doctors, now, could ever dream of the advancements that would be made in a couple years from now.

 

K: You know… you kind of inspired that.

 

T: (grins big time) It was my goal and when I was trying for my personal money goal…I would go through times where I would be disappointed, you know. Because who would look at a crazy kid running, if you can call it running, on the side of a highway in conditions that sometimes weren’t ideal. I’m gonna say crap conditions because even in my mind, I’d question why I was doing it. Those were the bad days. I would have to account my stubborn and sometimes asshole nature for that.

 

K: Everyone gets tired but I did read a little and people would, well, I’m going to be honest…

 

T: Please. I can take it.

 

K: People might call you a jerk or that you had a temper.

 

T: I like A-Type personality or stubborn.

 

K: That has a nicer ring to it.

 

T: It wasn’t easy for me to connect with people sometimes because I was on a mission. All of me was on a mission to get that awareness out to people that cancer didn’t have to kill people. That we could make a difference and raise money to explore why it was killing people and how we could fix that. I never thought it was only the medical community that had to figure this stuff out. I thought anyone that had the initiative to invite change could change things. Any attempt to raise awareness started with that person that thought they could be the ones to do it. I just took it to that next level. Was I crazy to think I could run across a country? Maybe. I’m sure people thought that way. I know my family did. Because I was so intent on promoting awareness, I took it as a huge criticism and lack of trust that I could do it. It bothered me but looking back at it, I don’t blame anyone for thinking that. I was stubborn and I used my stubborn will to try and prove people wrong, including those people closest to me. In the beginning I would think, ‘how dare they think that I can’t do this because of this and that’. (gets a self-righteous voice) Cancer was never going to stop me because it didn’t define who I was as a person. I got it, I beat it but it wasn’t who I was. I was Terry and, I guess, part of that was proving that I was still me. I didn’t want to live under that word cancer but if I had to and if I had people looking at me in that way, I was going to use it to make people aware that it doesn’t have to be them. Sorry for the pause. I’m trying to translate me so you can translate me. Does that make sense?

 

K: Totally make sense and I can feel that as well so thank you. I really like what you said about not letting a disease define who you are because underneath all that happens to anyone, whether it be illness or money or job or relationships, it’s not who we are. What happens does not define us. Would you say it shapes us though?

 

T: Yes. Cancer shaped me into action. I was always that…maybe a little cocky or maybe just a little hard headed but I was always Terry but would I have done something like run across a country just because I could? No. I don’t think so. It took cancer to shape me into a person that would run across a country to beat it. To raise awareness and to raise funds to beat it.

 

K: Define cancer then. In your words could you define what it is? Not medically but as a…circumstance.

 

T: It’s a wakeup call to listen to your body for sure. It happens in any circumstance. It’s an abnormality but why is it happening? Even the healthiest person can get cancer. It doesn’t pick and choose a person because of lifestyle. Not always but…listen to the body. If something feels wrong, listen to that. I’m not saying rush to a doctor every time you feel pain but don’t ignore it either. It’s asking yourself questions. This doesn’t feel right so what do I need to adjust, right? Cancer isn’t simply just attacking one part of a body even if that’s where it’s found. In my…how I see things right now at this very moment, it’s a wake up to just really listen to your body. You have a cold, well, your immune system is saying that’s it. I’m crashing. You have a toothache than maybe you need to see that dentist you’ve been putting off. Stuff like that. Of course major illnesses can’t compare to a cold or a sore mouth but it is a chance to look into the health of a whole and not just…in my case…a leg.

 

K: But you experienced cancer in your leg so how…what is your body saying in that instance?

 

T: Because it was so localized at first it’s a good question. I was healthy. I was physically fit. I liked activity. When looking at the diagnosis directly, there wasn’t anything that would’ve made me take a step back and look at my lifestyle. I had a pain in my leg. I’d get over it. It was later, when I got the cough that I probably shouldn’t have dismissed it but I was so intent on finishing that race that nothing would stand in my way.

 

K: So it was the lung cancer that was really telling you that you needed to get checked out.

 

T: Definitely but when you’re outdoors and you think you’re just getting that cold, you don’t consider that it could be something deeper and that’s why I’m saying, start listening to that body. In little discomforts, normally a person wouldn’t think to ask themselves does my body need something? No one really does that. Am I saying become a hypochondriac? No. I’m saying being aware of you.

 

K: I get that. I understand.

 

T: Good.

 

K: Did you think that you would ever be a hero? Because you’re a hero. My kids come home talking about Terry Fox and they need some cash for school to run in a Terry Fox Marathon (it’s kids right) but…your name is synonymous with making a difference. How does that make you feel?

 

T: (grins this really great smile. he’s proud) It was what I tried to accomplish in my life. I didn’t intend to be famous but as a young guy, the attention was sometimes cool, you know. But sometimes it got in the way of what I was trying to achieve and that’s when I would become a grump. Or if they would pry into my personal business, I would get pretty annoyed. I wanted to be a voice for change; for a cure. I wasn’t there to be a voice for gossip or personal gain. Yeah, there were times where I lived on that applause but mostly, I just wanted people to help me.

 

K: Help you to find a cure.

 

T: Yeah. I appreciated when the cameras were there when people were handing me a cheque or handing over some cash on the side of a road because it’s what I was there for. I still knew what I strived to accomplish and never veered from that course.

 

K: Until you had to.

 

T: Until I had to. (nods agreement)

 

K: When you show me that you’re running I just see this incredible amount of…I see it as responsibility on your shoulders. Did you think that it was solely your responsibility to raise awareness or find a cure?

 

T: Yes and no. It’s true. I took it upon myself to be the guy to do this and I put pressure on myself to go through with it. I kept a lot of that inside because I didn’t want others to see me, maybe, question my decision. I knew that it wasn’t all up to me but at the same time it’s what I chose to do and it was me doing it.

 

K: You had help though?

 

T: My good buddy and my brother. Along the way we had tremendous support and encouragement but it was those first few days where we were trying to find our way and just trying to figure this whole mountain of a run out that was the most frustrating.

 

K: And there were fights?

 

T: You never know who your true friends are until you’re stuck together on a highway in a van. Plus, I didn’t realize how physically demanding it would be and I got a little angry with how naive I was. To counter that, I got stubborn.

 

K: How does it feel to be part of history? To have people say you inspired them to take action in their own lives or for a cause?

 

T: Complete. I’m complete because it wasn’t all for nothing. It never was. That first crowd that I ran through, that was the hint that it wasn’t all for nothing. I strived for more when I saw people gather. The fact that it still happens and I was a part of that…the circle was complete for me.

 

K: Your death…

 

T: Hhhmm. You’ve been wanting to ask that but didn’t know how. I like that it was more or less direct.

 

K: You’ve been waiting for that question?

 

T: Yes. My death was…well, I guess when I did leave my physical body it was peaceful because I was unconscious but I suffered. I was in pain. I knew it was the time and so I told myself it was and I didn’t wake up again.

 

K: You chose your own death?

 

T: I did. I knew I did all that I could and I was done. I was tired. I was happy. I was fulfilled and I just thought to myself, it’s okay now. I’m ready.

 

K: Were you nervous or scared?

 

T: Sure. There was a part of me that was but when someone is sick and they suffer, for me anyway, I didn’t want to fight the inevitable. I said good bye in my own ways and I chose to go. Of course, the physical dies when it dies but I was lucky that I went the way I did. It was okay.

 

K: Do you have a message for your family?

 

T: I’m grateful. I know they silently suffered with me but tried to be that supportive voice that I wanted to hear. They had their concerns but they were my rock. I thank them every day for continuing what I started and I understand, now, that they experienced everything, even the cancer, with me in their own way and I don’t think I could ever understand that when I was alive but I understand that now and I love them so much for what they gave up and what they endured with me, for me and because of me. It’s not blame. It’s an understanding that illness, in whatever form, doesn’t only affect the sick. It affects those that share their immediate world with them and I’m forever humbled and grateful that I was part of their lives.

 

K: That’s really beautiful. And thank you for acknowledging that because I think the survivors feel guilty because sometimes they get into that why me part of it as well. So yeah, everyone has a part to play in an illness whether you’re a caregiver or parent, sibling or child. Thanks for that.

 

T: It’s connection. I understand that now. Did I then? Not so much. I was pretty focused on my mission.

 

K: Do you believe you accomplished what you were supposed to do in the life of Terry Fox, Hero.

 

T: Well, I wasn’t superman but I’m pretty happy with what I did. So yeah. I accomplished what I was to do.

 

K: What would you say to someone who’s been diagnosed with something like cancer or, you know, a serious illness? I’m not sure I’m asking that right.

 

T: I get it. Well, you can crumble. You’re allowed to crumble but then you can ask yourself, will I let this control me? Will I make it me or will I take steps to live. It’s a choice right and it’s an attitude. Easy for me to say but not every illness is a death wish. There’s always hope. There’s always that part of someone that is the will to live and to live a great life. It’s a choice. Being sick is scary. It’s not a good place but it doesn’t have to be complete turmoil. It’s really hard for people, who are fighting illness, to hear but learn about yourself. This is the time in a life where you will learn the most about yourself so learn it and don’t fear it.

 

K: So awesome! I love it!

 

T: We all have our obstacles. How are you going to look at the obstacle? It’s perception. The unknown of death gets people scared of it. The pain of suffering makes people worry about diagnoses. Understandable right?

 

K: For sure.

 

T: So learn from it. It’s presented to you as a learning tool. It’s a learning tool about you, your body, your life. Learn from the experiences that someone would label as bad. There’s a lot to gain from it and not just in health either. I think people have to a spokesman for themselves but you can’t be a spokesman for the cause of you if you aren’t willing to learn about you and I mean EVERYTHING about you.

 

K: You show me two personalities. One when you were here, standing beside how you are now. There is a marked difference. I would say focused fighter vs. happy happy. You are really really happy and carefree.

 

T: It’s because I now know the meaning of everything that happened in those years. It happened so fast, really, if you think about it. Sometimes it was so fast that I couldn’t find that peace with it. I’m peaceful now. I see what my life has accomplished. To be peaceful doesn’t mean you have to do something big like run across a country. It means understanding that bigger picture. Circumstance can be shit. A moment of reality can be shit. Watch the amount of thought versus action versus just allowing. There’s big understanding in those things.

 

K: Very deep and thought provoking.

 

T: But not too much. (points a finger at me)

 

K: Got it. Not too much. You come to me with both legs. Why?

 

T: It’s like I said earlier, my cancer didn’t define me. Sure, my name is stamped on that somewhat but I never wanted to be the face of cancer and its effects. I wanted to be the face of hope.

 

K: And you really are. You really really are. Thank you so much. Do you have anything else to add?

 

T: I’m gonna do this more often. This was a blast. Thank you.

 

K: No no. Thank you. It was an honor.

 

T: I’m telling all my friends. (he winks)

 

K: Um…sure.

 

T: You know what you need to learn?

 

K: Dear God…. (very trepidations)

 

T: Priorities and this goes for everyone. Do more of what you love and what feeds you. Yes, the mundane of life lived happens but do what you love. It’s important and it’s important to make it a priority in your life.

 

K: That’s more for me isn’t it?

 

T: We’ll make it a general statement but I’m looking at you.

 

K: Fine. Yes. I get it. I’ll be the first to admit it.

 

T: And how many times do you say that in a day…

 

K: Ha! Okay. Tease.

 

T: Actually, I’m being put up to it.

 

K: I have no doubt.

 

T: Thanks Kimberly. Thanks for being my voice. Take care. Let’s run sometime.

 

K: I’m not a runner.

 

T: I know.

 

(sticks his hands in his pockets and backs away.)

 

 

 

 

Conversations with Anne Frank

 

June 18, 2016

 

 

Speaking with Anne over the last couple of days was amazing. She’s so happy. She’s very curious and likes to talk. She’s a strong energy. I was sitting at my dining room table this morning, slouching a bit, and her hands came to my back, pushing me into a straighter posture. It made me laugh because she said I shouldn’t slouch. When I went to sleep, she would wait by my bed until I woke up. She poked fun at me and teased me a little. She walked with me when I walked my dog. Anne loves conversation. She didn’t want to get too much into the actual horrifying things she saw so I steered away from that. Plus, there were some moments where she would walk me through the halls of the building she dwelled in during her stay in the camps and it’s not something I’m comfortable with writing about. When she was there, in those buildings, she didn’t look like the bright eyed girl with the addictive smile that the photos showed. Anne wished to share her true self and that was one of a young girl who liked to dream and learn about the world around her which was cut short way too soon.

 

 

A: Is it a good time?

 

K: It is an awesome time.

 

A: Oh good! I was hoping that you would speak with me. I wanted so much to be with you. I am so pleased.

 

K: Thank you so much Anne, but I have to say that the honor is mine. How are you?

 

A: I am very well. Why do you feel honored to be with me when it is only a conversation between friends?

 

K: Because you are a legacy and a light in the dark in a very tumultuous time. Did you realize how much your words have left a mark on people around the world?

 

A: It is what I dreamed of at that time. I wanted to live on in some capacity. I assumed it would be my writing but…in everything that took place, it was difficult to believe that I could.

 

K: How do you feel about your words being read by millions of people and touching them in a way you only could?

 

A: I am a survivor. I have survived. Whatever circumstances I lived, my spirit continues to live. I take great comfort in that.

 

K: So what would you like to start with?

 

A: Let us start at the beginning. (she claps her hands together in a happy gesture.)

 

K: Okay. Let’s. Before Hitler, the war and everything that took place, how did you live?

 

A: We lived simply. I was born to a loving family. I was my dad’s daughter. In families, there are people who are more like each other. I was more alike with my father. My mother and my sister were very similar. I was always precocious. I wanted to explore. Sometimes I thought I should have been born their son and not a daughter but it didn’t matter. I was the adventurous spirit; the dreamer. 

 

K: We have some things in common then.

 

A: Oh yes.

 

K: So, besides being a daddy’s girl, did you have a good life?

 

A: Of course. We lived simply but I was given everything that I needed. I was happy.

 

K: Did the news that Hitler’s party grew in power scare you in anyway?

 

A: I knew of the man but I was too young to understand what it meant. I saw the concern on my mother and father’s faces but I couldn’t grasp what it all meant. I was naïve as a child is. I only saw the world through eyes that were innocent. I never expected the world to go in such a direction as it did.

 

K: When did you know that it was turning very…things were becoming real that something was…I guess something was wrong?

 

A: I felt eyes on me at all times. I was told I was different and that I had to be with my own kind. I flourished in the school that I was in. I loved it for it nurtured my mind. I had to go to a school that taught Jewish children. It was then that I believed something wasn’t right. I had gone years being inclusive in my community. My family was respected and it seemed, that overnight, it had changed and I wasn’t included anymore. I was seen as separate. The hard part was, not understanding why and how fast things could change.

 

K: Was Hitler that convincing?

 

A: He was dynamic.

 

K: But people feared him?

 

A: Yes. Those that were a target of what he found intolerable. I heard him speak. In my heart, I knew the power he wanted and that because I was born of a religion that he found intolerable, my family and myself were no longer part of the country we called our home.

 

K: When your father made the arrangements for you to go into hiding, were you aware of them?

 

A: Yes but only when we were to disappear. My father couldn’t take the chance of one of his children saying something that could put us in danger.

 

K: Was there the potential of that?

 

A: I was very…I liked to speak. I liked to make friends. It was better that I didn’t know until the time we were to leave.

 

K: What was that like for you?

 

A: At first, it was an adventure but I was also sad that there were things I could not take with me. I trusted my friends with my most important treasures always intending to get them back.

 

K: When did you get your diary?

 

A: It was for my birthday. It was my greatest present. We didn’t have much money at the time that my father gifted it to me and he knew that I loved to write. I didn’t have much of a mind for the mathematics or sciences. I liked words and how they came together in phrases that could, ultimately, create….anything. My father knew this about me and the diary was what he could offer me to continue that. I honestly believe that he knew it would be my only window to the outside world.

 

K: You think that your father knew things were changing and that you had to go into hiding?

 

A: At that time, it was a thought in many people’s minds. It was the secret that was spoken on the street. People were disappearing or leaving suddenly. There had to be a reason and, of course, because of who the country was run by, it was an unspoken truth.

 

K: You didn’t stay in Germany?

 

A: (shakes head) No. My mother and father believed that we would be safer in Amsterdam. In that moment, we were but it was difficult because the beliefs of the Nazis’ were spreading quite quickly.

 

K: You lived with some other people. Did you like the company?

 

A: I was resentful at first but then I had a thought that they were in the same situation as me. Why couldn’t I show a little more understanding so I took it upon myself to make more of an effort.

 

K: The boy you stayed with, did you really have feelings for him or was it just the circumstance that created those first romantic feelings between you.

 

A: I…As ridiculous as it was to think that we could truly love each other at that age, it was really just a moment thing. I understood that it was circumstantial and nothing more. It couldn’t be.

 

K: Was it hard to live in those conditions or did you understand the deeper reasons?

 

A: It was difficult. Some days I often wondered how we could continue living in such confinement. It wasn’t prison but sometimes, to me, it may as well have been. It helped that my sister and I continued our schooling and in my quiet time, I would write. I would write my life in the pages of my diary. Sometimes I would simply write the day to day things. Sometimes I would write thoughts. It gave me an opportunity to still be me and express me in the privacy of the pages of that small book because I didn’t have much privacy outside of it.

 

K: Did anyone try to read your diary? Did you let people read it?

 

A: No. I kept it close to me. It was mine. My sister would sometimes try to peek over my shoulder. You see, she didn’t like to write and she didn’t have a diary. When this journey began, I found her quite boring. It was only when we had to live so closely, did I find that appreciation of her as not just an older sister but as a friend and companion.

 

K: I read your relationship with your mother was strained?

 

A: (sighs) Yes, at times it could be. She bothered me with things that I felt, as a young girl, didn’t mean anything. It was only when we were in hiding that I made a great effort to appreciate her and what she had to sacrifice as well. At times, I thought it was only me that suffered in our situation. When I began to look at it differently, I found myself more accepting of those I lived with. I found that writing gave me a chance to put into words, what I was feeling. It was like talking to a best friend but when I re-read some of the things I wrote, it actually helped me look at whatever had taken place or was taking place with better understanding. In a moment of frustration, a person can write it out; every last word about what they thought had happened and how it made them feel, but when you read it over again, sometimes one can see their foolishness or selfishness. It’s helpful to see all sides.

 

K: Did you have any idea what was happening outside of that apartment you were hidden in?

 

A: Oh yes. We had friends come almost daily to visit us and tell us the news. We were aware of the camps. We were aware of the dangers that were only outside our door. When we learned of these things, I became more and more grateful that I was where I was and was with the people that I was with. I came to love them even more. However difficult it was to live in that way, I was lucky, for a time, that my family and I were safe. Those that took care of us…they risked their lives for us and it showed me that not everyone is bad. Not everyone can be tainted by a world that didn’t know any better at the time. I truly and honestly believed in the heart of a person and because of this, I knew the war would come to an end and there would be peace. It was my hope. I just didn’t live to see the day.

 

K: You were so close. It was almost over when you died right?

 

A: Yes. But I wasn’t meant to live on that way. My diary…my words lived on for me. It was meant to be that way.

 

K: When you were arrested did it take you and your family by surprise.

 

A: Oh yes. We weren’t expecting it. I was terrified. I was terrified that I would be killed then and there but we weren’t. We were sent away.

 

K: To the camps?

 

A: Yes. My father…my father was separated from us very quickly. It was at that moment that I believed I would die because I believed that my father was being taken to die.

 

K: Did you know that some were taken to…

 

A: Be killed?

 

K: Yeah. I’m sorry.

 

A: I knew and I nearly escaped that one. You see, the stories of those chambers were told to us when we lived in the annex. This is why, when I was separated from my father, I believed I would be sent there.

 

K: Were you relieved that you weren’t?

 

A: I believed eventually I would be.

 

K: I assumed that’s the way you died but you died from illness?

 

A: Yes. My sister and I were very sick.

 

K: Your mother?

 

A: She gave us everything she could to keep us alive. She went without. This is how she died. We were separated from her and when my sister and I were separated from our mother, like the day we were separated from my father, I believed she would die. After I was separated from my mother, the will to continue left me. I was gone soon after that.

 

K: Behind the walls of those camps…did you feel numb to what you witnessed.

 

A: I protected myself with the dreams in my head. I continued to write in my journal in my head. It was my survival mechanism. I dreamed of better things to come. I kept my heart light as much as I could because it was only when I dreamed or stayed with love in my heart is the only way I could take another step in life. I was not the only one there but I thought, if I could keep a smile on my face, even in the smallest ways, I could spread that. It was difficult to do because I was scared. I was scared when someone died beside me. I was scared of death because near the end, I knew it was coming for me. My smile was only biding me time.

 

K: When did you stop smiling?

 

A: When I got very sick. When I didn’t see my mother’s face and when my sister did not look like Margot anymore. That is when I didn’t smile anymore. I wanted to see my father. I missed my father.

 

 

The sorrow that she’s making me feel is so deep. I feel completely hopeless.

 

 

A: I tried to stay resilient. I wanted to show the Germans that they could not kill my heart; that they could not kill my spirit. In a way, when I was so sick I could barely move my body, I thought they had. But they didn’t because part of me lived and I was able to share me. It was the most important part of me that was shared and it was my dream come true. I left a legacy of words. It’s what I wanted.

 

K: What would you say to yourself in that camp now? Now that you know what you know?

 

A: I would say, ‘Anne, it is not all for nothing. Keep your chin up. It is not all for nothing.’

 

K: What do you think the effect of words can be?

 

A: They create. They soothe. They explain. They define. They explore. They carry mystery and they carry truth. They are everything and they can mean nothing. They can provide an outlet of exploration. They can open windows and doors that have been locked. They can be powerful or they can be weak. Words can be anything you want them to be. This is why I loved writing them.

 

K: You’re amazing. Did you know that? Do you know how amazing you are?

 

A: (smiles so sweetly) Thank you.

 

K: Can I ask you a personal question?

 

A: Yes. 

 

K: Hitler.He died, obviously. Have you seen him?

 

A: No. It’s not something I wish to ever do. I’m okay. He did not destroy me. He tried but he didn’t. I’m happy. I live. I’m Anne Frank. I’m a voice of hope and I continue to be. I don’t need to see him. There is purpose in everything. Sometimes it is bad. Sometimes it is good. Sometimes the world crumbles at your feet. I don’t need to see the cause of a crumbled world. I pick up the pieces and rebuild a better one.

 

K: Thank you so much. You are very profound.

 

A: I have enjoyed this so much. Thank you for becoming a new friend. Would you mind if I came and visited with you again?

 

K: Not at all. It has been so great having you hang out with me. You’re great company.

 

A: (she bites her bottom lip and smiles) Are you sure?

 

K: Oh yeah. Any time. Absolutely. You can come and help me with my writing.

 

A: Please? That would be wonderful.

 

K: Heck yes. Anything else you want to say?

 

A: Um…I’d rather not speak too much about the camps. I understand people would be interested in those things but it is something that I have left on the shelf. It has shaped me but I find people have this morbid curiosity about these types of things. I would tell them that the history picture books do well at explaining that time. I don’t have to.

 

K: Got it. Why relive a nightmare right?

 

A: Exactly. I would rather you not experience it either. I will show you another time if you want to.

 

K: I’m okay. I’ve seen a little while talking with you. I’m good.

 

A: Okay. (she blows kisses) Goodbye now.

 

K: Bye Anne.

 

She turns, holds her hands clasped behind her back and walks away. Poof. Gone.

 

 

 

Conversations with Patrick Swayze

 

June 22, 2016

 

 

This interview happened really fast. This morning the movie Ghost came to mind and later in the afternoon Patrick was just there. I was surprised by his face. He just came and sat and crossed one ankle over a knee and waited. He was relaxed and ready to talk. He wore a white button down collared shirt, blue jeans and light brown cowboy boots. He talked with his hands a lot. He was very nice and matter-of-fact. Patrick is very to the point. Sorry, there wasn’t much of an intro but I really liked him. He’s personable, has a quick wit, very intelligent and was an all-around great guy to talk to. I found his energy very…he lived life to the fullest. It was important to him.

 

 

K: Hello?

 

P: (he nods his chin quickly) Hey there. I wasn’t sure if you would oblige me and my… now what would you call it? I guess nudges? Urges?

 

K: Kind of. Sometimes I still have to shake my head because people come in and they’re people that I don’t even think about so I apologize if I’m a little…I have to be honest, I don’t know what to ask. This is the fastest I’ve ever answered Spirit and I’m hoping I can think of things to ask.

 

P: It’s cool. We’ll work together. It’s awesome.

 

K: Alright. I do have to ask you something, from your perspective as the Spirit that you are now. I heard on a YouTube show that I watch that there are more and more people that lived here on earth and have since passed away…

 

P: You can say it. Died. That’s what it is where you are. Death.

 

K: Yeah, I know. I’ve just never been comfortable with the term is all.

 

P: Call it like it is, Kim? Kimberly?

 

K: Whichever.

 

P: It’s death, in the human sense of the word, I have died. Anyway, you were saying.

 

K: I was just listening to a Spirit these lovely ladies were talking to and he said that there are many of you that are actually lining up to talk to those who are open to this sort of experience. What do you think of that?

 

P: (rubs his chin with his index finger) I would have to agree. There’s like this word around town who will talk with us and translate for us and just give people a sense of us and who we are now that we’ve seen it all? I couldn’t explain it to have it make sense but as we get here we do. (see it all) We kind of see it all, how it was, what happened and what role we really played in that grander scheme of things. It’s cool. It’s cool to be able to talk about it, with people who are still living that experience, and just let people know that it’s all okay. It’s not anything to be frightened of.

 

K: Would that be the sole purpose of Spirit coming for a chat?

 

P: I think it’s different for everyone right? I mean, I come to you as Patrick and I have the need…no, what’s a better word? I have the curious desire to be able to express myself in this way. If I came as some other person or gender, they would have their own reasons to come and talk right? So, it’s still all personal. We’ve all lived different lives so what we give to you, that person that can see or talk with us, is that life that we’ve lived so people can learn something from our experiences on earth.

 

K: And you? How was that for you?

 

P: It was alright.

 

K: Just alright?

 

P: (grins) I had an awesome life. I had love, I had adventure, I had fun. I could pretend and still come home to a wife that grounded me. Was I lucky? I don’t think luck had anything to do with it. I lived what I had lived because it was meant to be and I loved living it.

 

K: I didn’t see a lot of your movies but come on, who hasn’t seen Dirty Dancing.

 

P: (has an easy laugh) It kind of took on a life of its own that one. It wasn’t meant to be so big but the story is very relatable and who doesn’t want to fall in love during a summer and imagine that it could last forever? It was a dreamy love story and I had a good time. I would have to say that it started a trend of expression through dance. You know, when Dirty Dancing came onto the screen, sex was so taboo. God forbid you danced that way but look at how hot Latin dancing is. It’s hot. I liked being a part of something that was so risky, you know; especially having the movie in the time that it portrayed. Dancing is happiness, if you think about it. You can tell who’s happy when they’re dancing because they could give a shit about who’s watching. I enjoyed that part of it. Being in a world with only you or a partner and connecting in that way. It’s not just physical. Let’s take the example of sex, if you want to….

 

K: Sure. Sex. Let’s do that.

 

P: (winks) Dancing is showing that intimate part of you. It’s when a person just let’s go of their inhibitions and has that ability to emulate freedom in that way. It doesn’t have to be sexual but, personally, it’s along that same line. It’s expression of that intimacy in a movement.

 

K: That’s an awesome description but let’s talk about those that you catch dancing in a grocery store aisle or at a bus stop?

 

P: They can’t contain that part of themselves that’s expression. It’s like a kid right? Kids will dance to the music. They get right into it and they don’t care who’s watching. (He’s kinda chair dancing as he talks about it.) It would be like that. It’s that inner kid that’s coming out and just enjoying the music, themselves, and how they feel. It’s kind of like expressing how you feel in movement too. If you’re swaying with your partner and you’re lost with each other in that moment, in that piece of music, isn’t that just a picture of love?

 

K: Completely understand how you feel about it. Is that why you danced? Did it give you that chance of expression? Of communicating in that certain way?

 

P: Yeah. When I danced or if I was doing anything that I enjoyed, it allowed me to be…well me. I was me. When I could get lost in a role or lost in a dance I could easily express me. It was awesome. It was liberating. 

 

K: Do you still dance? 

 

P: (smiles and nods) Sure. The dance. I’m on the ultimate stage to express yourself on and that’s what you do here. You express yourself because it’s the only way that’s known here. Language is energy. You get here and it’s overwhelming to see everyone just be them because there’s no other way. It’s true expression.

 

K: Who influenced you to be a dancer? Did you just one day decide that you were going to dance?

 

P: My mother. She taught dance and she was the big instigator in those beginnings. I was an active kid. I thought I’d play sports but I hurt myself so I started to dance. I liked it better I guess ‘cause look where it got me. I owe a lot of what I did to her guiding me that way. She saw potential.

 

K: When you showed yourself to me you showed me horses and I thought you died from a horse fall but you didn’t die from that. You were injured. Did that fall from a horse dampen that horse lover in you? Did you fear getting back in the saddle?

 

P: No. Never. I couldn’t wait to get back on. I loved those animals, I loved what they meant, how they could run so fast. It was freeing to watch. It was freedom to ride. I loved being on a horse. It hurt. A fall from a horse can hurt a lot but I never stopped looking forward to being with them; almost connecting with them and that freedom as soon as you went for a ride. Animals can teach a lot. Horses, for me, were liberating.

 

K: What did you need to liberate yourself from?

 

P: At the end of the day, when the show’s over, I just wanted to connect in different ways to my life. Whether that was with my wife, walking, riding, flying; it was those moments that I wasn’t playing the part I was told to play but the life I wanted to. I loved my career. I’m thankful for everything it brought me but there’s nothing like being in your own space and experiencing just being by doing things you love to do. It was to me like meditation is to you. Some people don’t like going home because they don’t like what they go home to or who they are in that space. I loved going home and being surrounded by that life that I built because it was me.

 

K: Do you miss it?

 

P: In some ways I do. Physical connection is so important. Connecting with those you love and connecting with those things that make you happy. You can do that here but there’s something to say about the way it’s done on earth. Tangibility I guess?

 

K: Sure. I get it.

 

P: As a Spirit, I talk to my family that are still living but they can’t…communication is hard whereas, when I was alive, communication was sometimes hard but you could tell that those you talked to heard you.

 

K: You’re showing me images of the movie Ghost where you’re desperately trying to get people to see you but it wasn’t working until Whoopie.

 

P: Good ‘ol Whoopie. Amazing amazing person. Just awesome.

 

K: She seems that way. Is that what you’re describing?

 

P: Yes and I think that the movie showed that pretty well.

 

K: What about the end where Demi Moore sees you. Do you think there will come a day where it can be like that?

 

P: It’s already here. There are a lot of people that can see that way. It’s a belief though; a trust thing.

 

K: You know, in the movie, when the bad guys are being carted off by shadows and the good people are shown a light to travel into. Be honest with me, Patrick. Is that how it is?

 

P: (laughs and shakes his head) No. Not at all. Scratch that. It’s the belief thing again. If a person thinks there’s nothing, there will be nothing. If a person thinks they’ll be taken by shadows, they’ll be taken by shadows. If there’s a light and a person is comfortable with that image, then there’ll be light. For me, it was immediate. (snaps fingers) I said goodbyes before so I was good and there was a pulling sensation and I was welcomed by a hell of a lot of people. I was yanked into heaven like turning the page of a book. It wasn’t uncomfortable. I didn’t walk into a light. I was just pulled onto another page.

 

K: Was it what you expected?

 

P: I didn’t know what to expect but I…I thought anything is better than this. (shows me a frail and sick man)

 

K: Your illness?

 

P: Yeah. Hell of a way to go but I wouldn’t let cancer take me without giving it a good battle because that’s who I was. I loved my wife, I loved my family, I got to play as a career. Cancer was just a thorn in my side. It was a long battle but I wouldn’t say it won. I would say it was a great teacher in appreciation, in acceptance, in still being positive while living what some would term a negative.

 

K: Did you follow religion? Did your spiritual beliefs bring you comfort or uncertainty?

 

P: I appreciated all religions. I was raised Catholic but I knew that whatever religion people practiced, it was all about love. I didn’t buy into the guilt thing. I knew it was there but I appreciated religion as a way to honor something bigger than what we are. I didn’t know what that was. God? Creator? I didn’t know but I gave thanks and I respected another’s way of giving thanks. I liked Buddhism. I really liked that. Reincarnation is a cool thing to explore.

 

K: Are you back here now?

 

P: No. I’m good here.

 

K: Did you look at other ways to connect in spirituality?

 

P: Yeah. I felt a connection to…like there was something out there and we weren’t the only ones. I tried to experience different, I guess, beings through trans-meditations. I found the idea of space, what was there and how it affects us fascinating. I may have been over zealous about it sometimes. I think when you try so hard to experience something, you risk pushing it further away. I didn’t have that many people that I could talk to about ‘aliens’ or spirituality in a scientific sense because I lived in the Southern United States. I think that’s why, again, I liked Buddhism. It was that…what the Dali Lama says about bringing spirituality and science together because…it’s almost supposed to. Einstein, he knew that.

 

K: Yeah, almost like bringing it into some sort of balance; of some sort of equilibrium where one goes with the other.

 

P: It’s a connection together. (he brings his hands together and clasps the fingers together) Like a meld.

 

K: Your wife remarried. What was that like for you? You two were married so long.

 

P: I was honored to have that woman love me for as long as she did. Lisa, like I said earlier, she grounded me. She brought my head out of the clouds. She was that stable influence that I needed. We went through a lot together and she supported me and had my back at every turn. When I was sick, she did everything she could to give me comfort. Lisa really deserved the best of me. She stood by me and it thrills me to know that she found love again. She loves me, I understand that but I’m also happy she was able to find the love of a man again. He’s a cool guy. He understands her and her needs. I really enjoy seeing her happy.

 

K: So sweet.

 

P: When you’ve experienced a relationship like that, it’s almost Karmic. Well it is. I’ve loved her for lifetimes but when you’ve experienced each other for so long it’s that circle that’s completed itself. It hurts to say see you later in that moment of death but, at the same time, I couldn’t have asked for more.

 

K: I hope she knows how you really felt about her.

 

P: Of course she knows. We talk all the time. Just because I died doesn’t mean that bond is severed. No. It’s still strong.

 

K: Addictions?

 

P: Ah yes. The addiction question. Look, there’s addiction everywhere. I drank a little. I smoked a little. But some like their coffee and some like their chocolate. Am I saying that substance abuse is no big deal? Not at all but for me, it was substance abuse. Not addiction.

 

K: Interesting way of putting that.

 

P: Just my take on it.

 

K: Now, do you believe that the smoking had a part to play in your cancer?

 

P: Yes, and that’s not to be one of these guys that wags their finger and says stop smoking. People will do what they want to do. People will smoke, people will drink, people will eat, people will play video games. For some, smoking isn’t what’s killing them. For others, you can’t breathe or you’re coughing, get checked out. It’s about choice and it’s personal choice and either you’ll do it or you won’t. People will eat the spaghetti or they’ll get the salad. I’m over simplifying but it’s just to explain the way I see it.

 

K: So you don’t blame the choices you made for getting sick?

 

P: No. You drink wine.

 

K: I do, among other things.

 

P: It’s a choice.

 

K: Absolutely.

 

P: Explain to someone who hasn’t drank a drop why you drink wine and if they come at you with all the reasons to stop, will you stop?

 

K: Probably not.

 

P: Choice.

 

K: You rode a horse and fell off but got back on.

 

P: Choice. I could hear all the reasons in the world not to ride again. I still would.

 

K: I get that you’re very practical; that it makes sense to you so, gosh darn it, don’t tell you otherwise.

 

P: Well you can and I’ll listen but I’ll decide what to hear.

 

K: Just so you know, arguing with you or getting into a debate with you would be really frustrating. Not now but I can put myself in that place as a human being and I can’t win.

 

P: I’ll let you win. (points at me)

 

K: Please do. So you’re good? You’re happy and content?

 

P: Very. I have no complaints. I experienced success, personally and professionally. I loved. I was lucky to live so many years with my soul mate and see her become happy and content again. I’ve lost people in my life which only made me realize how precious life is and that it’s so short. Losses helped me gain the experience to live more fully. Hurts made me realize that I was only human. I’m very, in your word, content.

 

K: Plans on coming back?

 

P: Ummm…to be honest, I haven’t thought about it. I’m good. I’m still experiencing myself, just on different levels. It’s awesome.

 

K: I enjoyed this. It was quick and I hope I asked enough questions.

 

P: Let me ask you something? 

 

K: I always cringe when this happens.

 

P: Do you like it? Do you like sharing these because it’s not the norm right?

 

K: I wasn’t sure at first. A lot of that had to do with what others thought about it and not what it did for me personally. I learn so much from everyone that drops in. It’s a choice for sure. I could ignore the faces and the sparkles and the feelings but I’m not meant to ignore it. I ignored it for too long. The first one I shared made me pretty nervous but I’m getting used to it. I think it’s important for people to expand their minds a little. Knowing that I’m not the only one that does it is cool too because it just shows me how this is all growing. Surprisingly, for me, people seem to be okay with it. If anything, it makes people think.

 

P: Yeah. I agree. You asked, earlier, if spirits are enjoying these chances to be able to talk and we do. We still like sharing. It’s cool. The more people practice it, the more of us want the chance to participate. It’s great that there’s that bigger awareness.

 

K: Slowly but surely right?

 

P: Definitely. Thanks Kim. Thanks for listening for a while. Thanks for giving me this chance.

 

K: Thanks for knocking. Invitation’s always open.

 

P: Bye.

 

K: Bye.

 

 

 

Conversations with Anton Yelchin

 

July 4, 2016

 

 

I had no idea who this man was. There was a day in the middle of June where I was reading the news and when I saw his face it hit me right between the eyes and lingered there. He didn’t really begin to show himself until a couple of weeks later and I was very unsure because when I put two and two together, it didn’t make sense to me why he was around so soon after his death. It was unnerving and so I ignored it thinking it wasn’t real. He’s persistent. Then, for no reason, I was starting to feel a little sad; melancholy I guess, and a news article came up saying it was his funeral. I couldn’t ignore it anymore and so I invited him it to chat. We’ve been visiting here and there for a few days. He’s extremely evolved. He loves the human experience. He’s an explorer of human nature. Anton has been there and done that and is going to do it again and again. He loves the school of life. Today, since I’ve been up, he’s been around. He shows himself as sparkles and when we talked here, he sat in a director’s chair. He wore blue jeans, a white V-neck t-shirt and a black suit jacket. While he talked he played with his fingers. He’s lighthearted but intense (can you put those words together in the same sentence?) Anton is very intelligent. I find that he’s extremely knowledgeable and he used that in his life as an actor. Anyway, that is that. Here’s Anton.

 

 

A: You know, the minute that connection happens it’s kind of like…(showing me sparklers on a cake) mini combustible explosions.

 

K: And why is that?

 

A: Because it’s the energy. It’s a chemical reaction. Sometimes it’s like this tiny spark and other times it’s this light that could fill a room. If there was a camera on a conversation between a person and a Spirit, whatever Being that Spirit is, and this camera could measure or capture what is happening between these two beings based on the interaction that’s taking place, it would be…it would take a person’s breath away.

 

K: You are strong strong strong.

 

A: I’ll take that and offer you an open open open. It’s extremely comforting for us, you know, that have died, that there’s still people out there that can hear us or feel us or know that we’re still alive and there’s so many out there. (Mediums, I guess.) I never really took much stock in that kind of stuff when I lived but now…it’s extremely cool to see that connection and I want it. A lot of us want that and so…like I gravitated towards that as soon as I could because I loved my experience on earth and I loved those people that I interacted with and knew. So just a small opening of belief that allows me to creep in there and to show myself is really important to me.

 

K: Have you been making rounds?

 

A: I have.

 

K: See, this is what’s odd to me and bear with me for a second.

 

A: I think I know what you’re going to say but say it anyway.

 

K: You, like…you just died and everyone that I’ve spoken to up until this point has been gone for…

 

A: We’re not gone. Bad choice of words. (Playing with me)

 

K: Ah, you’re going to give me a little bit of a hard time. Cheeky.

 

A: I apologize. Please, what were you saying?

 

K: They’ve been gone for a while. Maybe a couple years or more so I didn’t think that this kind of interaction could happen so fast because I assumed that when someone died, it would take a little bit for them to want to do this kind of thing.

 

A: I get it and yeah, there’s things that need to be relearned and shit that needs to be dealt with and by dealt with I don’t mean anything in the negative sense but we’re (Spirit) free to visit, talk, share, feel with anyone at any time. I wouldn’t say there’s no structure because there is…somewhat but there’s invitations all the time to come back and be here, just differently.

 

K: Interesting. It’s why I was so uneasy with you being around because I don’t have all the understanding of how it works over there and I doubt I would until I get there anyway but thanks for working with me to help me with it. I felt an immediate interaction with you quite quickly actually. Probably about a week after you died and then I was telling my friend, Sharon, that I was feeling really down and then I found out that was when your funeral was so I appreciate you hanging out.

 

A: I appreciate the opportunity. I know there’s some people that wonder about my death because it was called this freak accident and I’ve been showing you pictures but let’s put some thoughts to rest.

 

K: Cool. You want to start with that?

 

A: Yeah.

 

K: Okay, so, in your words, what happened?

 

A: I went to open the gate to leave my place and the jeep just rolled towards me. I saw it at the last second and I didn’t have time to move.

 

K: Was it forceful? I don’t want to say gentle squeeze but you put those words there and I can see you laughing.

 

A: Gentle would have been better I think but when it pinned me it took the breath out of me. It wasn’t comfortable. I panicked before I passed out. I tried to push myself free but it’s like…

 

 

He shows me the SUV just locked there.

 

 

A: So…I wouldn’t say crushed but I would say squeezed.

 

K: Did you think at that moment it was going to be death or did you think you just passed out?

 

A: Well, I did pass out. I didn’t know. All I experienced was panic. My first thought was my parents. I was concerned that if I didn’t get out of this jam…it would be devastating and it was.

 

 

It feels like my heart just broke.

 

 

K: Yeah.

 

A: It’s stuff like that…those accidents that end a life with no explanation, the shock that ripples through is really terrible for those that are left. The grief is hard to watch and I just tried to comfort as much as I knew how but for many people; my friends and my family, it will take some time.

 

K: When I talk with those that have lost someone so suddenly, they miss that closure. Is that true in your case as well?

 

A: Oh yeah. Closure is like healing right. It’s going to take time to get that and it’s different for different people. It’s based on so many personal belief systems and there’s no time line for it. Questioning the why’s and working through those what’s is hard. The how’s are harder because it has people’s brains going off in different scenarios and putting themselves in the place of the person who died. Those images can be disturbing and make the family and friends, who are mourning, cringe. So, to let people, that are mourning, know that we’re okay and that we got home safely is really really important in allowing that healing. It’s if the family and friends will actually listen is what we (Spirit) have no control over and we get that. We just continuously go to them and communicate anyway because on some level, they feel or they hear or they experience signs that can’t be explained any other way. Signs can be interpreted like their loved ones aren’t at peace or that the soul isn’t at rest but it’s only that we want to…we still want to communicate. It’s just in ways we’re able to.

 

K: Thank you.

 

A: I’ll repeat what I said when you were with your friend though. When it’s your time…do you want me to swear?

 

K: (laughing) Go ahead. Swear away.

 

A: When it’s your time it’s your fucking time. I mean…A vehicle pinned me against a post. There was no one driving the thing. It just rolled because it was my turn. How unreal is that?

 

 

We were joking later that he was stuck between a rock and a hard place.

 

 

K: Like stepping out into traffic, getting hit by a bus or a garbage truck…

 

A: Totally. Who thinks, when they wake up, that anything like that could happen. You don’t so…I think it’s important for people to live every single day.

 

K: I agree.

 

A: Cool.

 

K: You acted in a lot of stuff. I mean, I didn’t know you…no offense…

 

A: None taken.

 

K: You were a busy guy. You must have loved what you were doing.

 

A: I loved it. I loved playing anything that I could because it allowed me to explore those characters that were…they were part of me that I was kind of uncovering, you know. I enjoyed exploring that part of me that could be portrayed in a character on film. I got to know myself better that way. So anything that came my way that was different or allowed me to look at myself through those eyes was awesome to explore and portray. It didn’t matter what it was. It didn’t matter if my face wasn’t seen or if I was a voice for a character or if I was behind a camera to put my ideas on a screen. I loved every aspect of it and I was really lucky to be able to have a) the support from my parents to do that and b) the opportunity as an actor to be hired to do that. It was a gift to get a part. It wasn’t something that I took lightly. I put all of me into every single part I played because I knew that it was a gift to be able to do what I was doing. If the movie sucked, who cares. I didn’t concentrate on if the reviews were shit or if someone didn’t like my performance. I loved acting it. I put myself into the lives of those characters and to bring a character to life is pretty fucking awesome. It was a treat.

 

K: I can tell by your energy you really loved what you did.

 

A: I was very busy because I loved being busy doing that. I was lucky enough to find something I loved to do and make a living at it. To work at something you love…not everyone gets those opportunities so I never took that for granted.

 

K: What about the relationships with fellow actors?

 

A: I always found something in them that I could connect with. I didn’t want to go into a movie and not have a good relationship with those I acted with or worked with. I always found something in those people that I could be cool with and it was easy. I really got along with the people that I worked with.

 

K: You seem, to me, to be really easy to get along with.

 

A: I tried, you know. In situations like making a movie, you’re with these people all the time for months. It’s important to find those common things within a group that makes friendships and it makes going to work so much easier. I actually looked forward to seeing those people every day and I made a lot of friends. I had a good life that way.

 

K: Let’s talk science fiction.

 

A: I can’t avoid it.

 

K: Not anymore I’m sure. Just a quick one.

 

A: Okay.

 

K: Is it similar? You worked on Star Trek and I’m just wondering, is it similar or is the real deal so different.

 

A: (grins) The real deal has nothing on Star Trek. Holy shit. You know, you expect something but actually seeing it is a whole other ball game. It’s similar. It’s not totally different but it is. Just think really really….bigger. (Widens his hands to show me growth) And brighter and just so much more. I’m finding, as well, that to explain something using words is difficult sometimes. I like to put that feeling in heads when they ask that and I have been asked that. Mostly by people who’ve watched the movies. They wonder and I’ll be there and like (points to my head) ‘feel this’.

 

K: I couldn’t imagine actually being in that…realm, I guess, and actually living it. That’s mind blowing.

 

A: That’s it! Mind blowing.

 

K: When we kind of chatted earlier last week, you showed me about different lives you’ve had and how those experiences shaped this past life experience. Could you explain a little about that? I got the feeling that this isn’t the only life you’ve died young; that there were a few.

 

A: Yeah. Yes, absolutely shaped what I did. For those that don’t know a lot about coming back, reincarnation or whatever, I have done that a lot. I like to come back frequently because I love that exploration and so with my acting, it was kind of the same thing without the dying but, I guess after every role that I played, the wrap up of those films can feel like an ending and the start of a movie is a beginning. I explore that part in spirit and I really explored that with my acting. My spirit has lived many times and through my roles as an actor, I have lived and died many times. So that, I guess, is the parallel. It’s cool how that kind of played out in my life as an actor….as Anton. What’s even more unreal is that I now know that and there really is no beginning or end. It just kind of rolls up into this ball of…one.

 

K: What’s that like? That ball of one?

 

A: (thinks a bit) Satisfying. Understanding. A mind fuck on an extreme level but one that is completely fantastic and utterly cool and amazing. Yeah, you can write the ‘bad language’. I feel you hesitate with the words.

 

K: Only because I’m sharing it and rating it PG would be counterproductive.

 

A: PG. PG13?

 

K: I’d like a G but I understand, as well, that it’s your personality too. So I’ll write it.

 

A: Cool.

 

K: After living how you did and experiencing everything that you did, what would you say to people that see this about you or any sort of advice?

 

A: Uh…Passion means something. Just because you’re doing something for a living doesn’t mean you can’t continuously explore yourself in other ways. I think that living is exploring and there’s never a reason to be bored. There’s a million excuses not to try but there’s another million reasons to try. I think that getting to know yourself through doing is just as important as getting to know yourself by being. I don’t think you can know anything about yourself by just sitting in the same thing every day. Even when you’re not doing a nine to five and you have a day off, it’s a chance to explore. It doesn’t have to be in front of a camera or traveling to far off countries. It can be as simple as eating at a restaurant that you’re not sure about or having a conversation with someone you don’t know. Going to that party or celebration that you really don’t feel like going to and getting to know people that are strangers. I think people feel they have to do something big to explore life. But it’s not like that because life is every day. Life isn’t lived only by the rich or famous. Life is lived in whatever role you’re playing out in your life now. It’s important to never limit yourself by circumstance.

 

K: That is really cool. I just feel so much comfort in that and I have no idea why.

 

A: No one needs permission to get out of circumstances. No one needs permission to try something new. Permission from someone else…the only one that gives permission is you. Support from others is always helpful. I wouldn’t have lived the way I had if my parents weren’t who they were. I was given a lot of freedom to explore and I owe a lot of that to them. They were an integral piece of me to allow me to be who I was. Support, yes, is important. The permission comes from you though. You are the only one that will put limits on what you can do. Would you agree?

 

K: Yeah. Absolutely. Trusting yourself to know, as well, is important. I think people, me included, have trouble trusting or believing that you can step out of your nine to five and be totally okay with what you experience.

 

A: I agree.

 

K: Did you have that pop up from time to time, personally?

 

A: Sure. There was sometimes that…oh, I don’t know type feeling but for me, personally, I could easily move past that.

 

K: How was adjusting to spirit?

 

A: Instant. You know, you have to…I guess understand that you’re no longer this guy on earth right? But the amount of support and love makes the transition very smooth. I’m okay. It’s been good. I have a better understanding…well, I always kind of did. I understand what the whole purpose of my life was and is. Do I have to like that I got pinned between a post and an SUV? No. I don’t have to like it but I’m okay with it. Like I said, when it’s time it’s fucking time.

 

K: How about those that watched your movies. Your fans? Anything for them?

 

A: Well, they propelled me to be better. They propelled me to step out of that comfort zone that actors sometimes get into and continuously challenge myself because they liked what I did. My fans never gave a bad review because, on some level, they appreciated all the different characters I played. I appreciated that and I love them for that. I felt the support from people that watched what I did and it pushed me to do bigger and better because I wanted to give them that part of myself in those different roles. So yeah, my fans really kept me going.

 

K: Friends and family?

 

 

Oh boy. All I feel is love love love. His emotion is getting me emotional.

 

 

A: Sometimes I feel like I didn’t have long enough to show how much I truly loved my family. How much I really appreciated the life my parents gave me. How much friendship really meant to me. It was so quick that it’s only sometimes where I feel like they deserved to hear me acknowledge that so much more than maybe I did. But I’m doing that now and I need them to understand that everything that they gave to me, I have taken with me and I continuously try to return that as much as I can. I…I know that it was what it was but now instead of telling them, I can let them feel it. That’s pretty much it for here. I have my personal messages for each person and it’s not something to share here. But that is what I’ll share. For anyone reading this later…you’re sharing this?

 

K: Of course.

 

A: For anyone reading this later, just love and express it. Express everything about you to the world. There’s no better time than now to do that.

 

K: Yeah. Sorry. I’m a little speechless. I just have to take a minute.

 

A: Sure.

 

K: Guitars? (he shows me a guitar)

 

A: I did think I could play. I could play a little. It was just another side of myself that I expressed with. The acting kind of took hold a little better.

 

K: Well, at least you could play something. I’m all thumbs when it comes to instruments.

 

A: Drums?

 

K: Um…rhythm. Dancing is a big part of that and it’s not pretty.

 

A: Got it.

 

K: I could show you.

 

A: Nope. I’m good. We’ll dance later…well, maybe try.

 

K: You’re too funny.

 

A: And cute. I heard that.

 

K: Who? Kelsey and me?

 

A: Yeah.

 

K: She was telling me about that movie you played in that you were murdered after making friends with some drug guys. I don’t even know the title. She cried. It disturbed her. The ending. Because you were cute. She thinks you’re so cute.

 

 

Later I found the title and it was Alpha Dog.

 

 

A: I get that a lot.

 

K: Well, it’s true. You have those good looks about you.

 

A: Now?

 

K: Yes now. How did we get on this? I’ll have to have a word with Kelsey about maybe talking sign language when you guys are around.

 

A: Ppfft. Please. We’d know anyway.

 

K: True. Thank you Anton. Thank you so much. I’m really honored that you contacted me. Thanks so much.

 

A: Pleasure is mine. I’ll hang out a little though if you don’t mind.

 

K: Nope. Hang away.

 

A: Cool. Bye to everyone that reads this. It’s been something.

 

K: It has been.

 

A: And cut. It’s a wrap.

 

Connection made. Still here as I post this. I love when they linger around.

 

 

 

Conversations with Maya Angelou

 

July 8, 2016

 

 

To tell you the truth, I wasn’t going to share this one. For me, it was an issue about how I could ever possibly portray what I felt and what she shared of herself on a blog. How could I possibly transcribe the words when the feelings that she gave me were so much more than what could be seen in black and white on a screen. But, as I continued speaking with her, there was this unspoken agreement from a higher Source that told me yes, I would share the conversation. I have spent the last day and a half being loved by this woman. We spoke a lot and she was honestly very interested and supportive of my path. Those talks remain private though. My hope is that you, the reader through her words, can feel her on your personal level as I did. I am honored with the opportunity to connect with her. This is my chat with Maya Angelou.

 

 

K: I honestly don’t have any clue what to say or ask because you have accomplished so much and…

 

M: We’ve got nothin’ but time. Take that time.

 

K: Did you ever feel overwhelmed? Did you ever feel like you had to do this or that and if you didn’t get it done, you haven’t accomplished anything?

 

M:Hhhmmm. (nods and takes her time) Yes and no. As one lives their life you can choose to stand or get swept up in the currents. Getting overwhelmed is emotion and it is giving over to something that you feel has power over you when in reality, when you choose to take on something or many somethings, your inner knowledge; your inner light tells you it’s time. When the direction comes from inside of you, to get swept up in emotion is a choice because You were brave and strong enough to make the choice to accomplish whatever it was you chose to accomplish. So own that. It can become difficult. I did, at times, allow myself to take on too much because that light in me was so very strong. But at the same time, I knew I could achieve whatever I initiated and so those feelings never lasted long. I had a process. I honored that process and it helped. Honor your personal process. That’s all you can do. If you bite off more than you can chew, chew longer but honor the time it takes to accomplish what you’ve begun.

 

K: You hear people say push yourself. Do the extreme. Make those numbers or make those goals. What do you think of that?

 

M: Who’s sayin’ what? Are you telling you to push yourself or is that the urging of another that you feel you must answer to? If it is you, then yes, set your goals but you will never meet your personal goals if it’s under someone else’s direction. Over time, a person learns what is truly their own and what is not.

 

K: When did you decide to write? You did other things before you wrote. When was it time to focus on the writing?

 

M: When I no longer felt the need to hide who I was.

 

K: You said that your writing wasn’t cathartic. It was more of honoring your truth but when you wrote about your life or made a story of your life, wouldn’t that be cathartic. Like emptying yourself onto a page so you wouldn’t have to carry it anymore?

 

M: Cathartic would be if it haunted me. My past did not haunt me. It taught me. With any teaching, it must come from a place of truth. I was honest with myself. It would, therefore, be fitting that I would share it that way. Yes, I had many things happen but I don’t consider that they happened to me. What happened to me was given to me as an opportunity; a learning tool to take with me. I could never be a good teacher of life if I wasn’t honest about that.

 

K: But, when living…let’s, for example, take the assaults…when you’re in that moment aren’t you thinking why is it happening to me?

 

M: In that moment you are only human. Yes, it happened to me but you’re asking me if I would hold that memory as a victim. I could never see myself as a victim of my circumstance. I had faith and trust in God that I could rise from circumstance and never let it define me.

 

K: I was reading you went mute after the man that sexually assaulted you was killed. Did you actually believe that was the reason he died? It was because you called him out?

 

M: At the time, I did not carry the understanding of retribution. I did not have an understanding of consequence or of outcome. I did not have the understanding that power taken into one’s hands could be used for bad or for good. It was only my understanding that because I had gathered myself up enough to admit what was done, that that was the only reason he was killed. Many people had done what you would consider harm to me. It wasn’t always violent but there was that thought, that anxious feeling that if I spoke the name of anyone that had done wrong to me, they would pay with their life. I took responsibility for that and it scared me. I felt I needed to protect those people from any sort of violence. I abhorred the act of violence and so, as a young girl, I stayed quiet.

 

K: Was it a trust thing? A personal trust?

 

M: You could say that. It was a long time to stay silent but what freed me was literature and through the literature I found support. I found, through reading, that yes, this world does not always spin in the direction that we would like it to. The expression of others allowed me to begin to trust my voice again and with that, I decided to be truthful with my voice and not to hide it away. Truth allows the world to spin in a way that God intends it to; with love and honesty; with respect and grace. Too many people, for too long, leave things unsaid and they lie in bed, when it is their time to leave this world, trying to say everything that lays on the surface of their hearts. Why wait until the end. It is time to speak truth now. A loving truth. A teaching truth. Compassion is birthed by truth. Yet, this is a lifelong lesson and is learned every day. (smiles) I’m not too proud to say that I, too, learned this every day.

 

K: Is it hard even when you have the depth of understanding that you did? That you do?

 

M: It is the hardest thing to practice. Compassion, while faced with all sorts of horror or witness to many acts of terror and violence, is extremely difficult. Situations don’t necessarily have to be seen worldwide either. It can be on the smallest scale, the most personal scale that one is confronted with unwarranted behavior that is a test of compassion. The human experience, with its polarities and similarities, gifts us the opportunity to bring forth our personal grace, humility, compassion and love and walk with that above all else. Above all else. (nods her head) But it is difficult.

 

K: Even for you? With all that you achieved?

 

M: Even for me.

 

K: I don’t want to make this conversation about African American vs. Caucasian but I have to be honest and tell you I was ignorant for what you fought for. I’m sorry about that. I had the assumptions that because of your ethnicity you took sides on this issue. That and the fact you worked with some pretty notorious men, being Malcolm X and Martin Luther King Jr.

 

M: (interjects) At the time, the group that needed a voice; that I could give or help to give, were those of the African American people. Through the years it became about everyone. The oppression I experienced in my youth, as a young woman and as a middle aged woman shaped my world and so that is what I spoke out about and what I wrote about. When the divide between race became smaller but the divide between humanity became wider, I saw this. Although, racism still exists; hate still exists, the gap is between humans. It covers a broad spectrum of separate issues yet it stems from the same root. All of this world is involved. At the end of my life, it was no longer a civil rights movement but a humanitarian movement. I believed in a Unitarian world and that is what I spoke about. I don’t regret how it started for look what I finished. Do you see?

 

K: Wow. Again, speechless. Thank you so much.

 

M: The beginning is only a beginning. There is much to gain from the middle. So much emphasis is put on the beginning and the end. The substance is what must be honored.

 

K: You are very respected and you have changed people’s lives with the messages that you brought forth. When someone judged you for gaining success for commercializing your success, what do you say to them?

 

M: Nothing. There is nothing to be gained, really, for picking fights due to personal egos. I did not set out to gain commercial success. I only wanted to give insight and to teach what I knew in my heart to be important. Because I did this, because I remained in my integrity, success followed. I didn’t second guess my decisions. I, too, taught myself and learned through my experiences. I took with me the idea that I wasn’t the only one in this world that could learn from my own thoughts and beliefs and because I lived in this way, blessings followed. When you walk your walk; when you talk your talk, you do it hand in hand with blessings because you allow yourself to receive. It’s personal power and it’s truth which paves the way for a full and rich life. I don’t believe I was lucky. I believed I was deserving as is everyone that walks this earth. Everyone is deserving. It is what you do with what you are blessed with that welcomes more. Being thankful for the life you live, whatever the circumstance, lack or gain will open to opportunity. Take the opportunity because it is an opportunity to create yourself. 

 

K: Back to the not talking thing. In general, what could you learn through silence?

 

M: To be the observer of your surroundings. When you are a silent observer there is an easy absorption of the world around you. It stayed with me. I didn’t talk myself out of my surroundings. It gave me a chance to indulge in them. I didn’t speak so I didn’t have an opportunity to argue. There were, of course, the internal arguments that I had with myself but they were mine. In a way, I found myself in a situation where I got to know me better as a person. I also wasn’t met with opposition because when you commit yourself to being the observer, the clashes or the differences of opinions are pretty useless, aren’t they? (she’s smiling at her humor)

 

K: Did people get frustrated with your silence because they couldn’t or wouldn’t understand why?

 

M: Oh yes. In the beginning I would be begged to say something. Sometimes people would try to convince me it was okay to speak. Some would try coercion or bully tactics. Threats. It was only because they were frustrated. It’s hard to communicate with someone who refuses to return it. After some time, it was understood that I would speak when I was ready. I was stubborn. I didn’t back down from what was right for me. As I grew older, I learned there were better ways to protect myself or to project myself than silence. It is hard not to speak when you have something to say but (shrug) I had my personal reasons. Fear or no, it was what I needed to do. It was what I needed to do to forgive myself, even if that was only my reasoning and no one else’s.

 

K: Have you?

 

M: (waves my words off) A long time ago. Water under the bridge.

 

K: So being the silent observer, what are your thoughts on the freedom to speak? The freedom of speech?

 

M: When speaking with cause to assist, lift and support, it is important that we all share that voice and freely express it for everyone will benefit.

 

K: What about speaking from oppression or being oppressed?

 

M: It is why you see what you see today. Desperate acts. Violent acts. I think, when oppressed, a person is capable of expression in different ways; in anger and frustration. Sadly, in these ways, it is not only the voice that speaks. Oppression, pressure is only contained for so long before it explodes. These are conversations that need to be had. These are conversations that need to be heard.

 

K: You were involved in television, theatre, movies, music, dance, culinary arts, literature…I mean, the list is extensive. Was there anything that you couldn’t do?

 

M: (she’s laughing) If given the opportunity, the idea, how could anyone say no?

 

K: Nerves?

 

M: I constantly looked for inspiration. I was always willing to challenge myself on all levels because the foundation of all those projects was my love of creativity. I wanted to see it in all forms. I also loved to teach but how could I possibly teach something, whatever it may be, without experiencing it first hand and I only wished to teach what I loved. So, to do that, I needed to find various outlets to do that.

 

K: Do you think you accomplished that?

 

M: I am quite satisfied with all of it. Regret. To me it is the definition of refusing to step out of your comfort zone. It is refusing to live who you truly are without lying to yourself about what that is. At least, at the end, I could say that I did that and accomplished that.

 

K: Did you accomplish what you set out to do before you got here? Born I guess?

 

M: Oh yes. And so much more. You come here with a plan, yes. But when you understand that your cup runneth over again and again, peace washes over. I am very much at peace.

 

K: What was your greatest accomplishment?

 

M: My son. Oh my son. My boy. I raised a man. He was an example for me of what I could face in the mirror each day. I could mirror love and love for a world I lived in or I could mirror a victim for my youth; never having risen above. I wanted to be an example for him as he was for me. I believe we are given children to brighten this world. So, to do this, you must walk as the light you were created to be and shine it for everyone. Not just certain individuals but for everyone.

 

K: What would you like to see in regards to the youth today?

 

M: There is so much untapped potential. It’s there and yet it is stifled. I believe children need their freedoms just as adults do because in the freedom they receive, they are allowed to explore. As I did when I practiced silence, children can practice through their innocence. When untouched by the harshness of a world around them, innocence can absorb just as much as silence can. I understand there needs to be structure yet too much is constricting that creation which is meant to grow.

 

K: Yes. Thank you. Thank you for that.

 

M: Children are so important. Look into their faces and see the blank canvas in their eyes as they greet each new day. It’s marvelous. I would say take adventures with your children and experience the world through their eyes. Let them teach you innocence. Or better yet, allow them to remind you of it.

 

K: You liked to cook?

 

M: (she claps her hands together and laughs) Finally. Why did it take you so long? Ask the fun stuff.

 

K: You liked your parties?

 

M: I loved to have people come and celebrate life with me. I loved to shower them with food. It was my way I could show my love. It wasn’t the only way but I was blessed in my life and I wanted to share those blessings. If I could have everyone that I ever loved and admired or those who needed a meal, come to my house…I’d need a bigger house. I loved many. I welcomed many. I was blessed with the company I kept and I wanted to show them how much I appreciated them. I loved to cook and I loved to share it and so, in this way, they knew.

 

K: Oprah?

 

M: (grins) I see a lot of myself in her. She is my family. We are soul mates. I love her dearly.

 

K: Do you see parallels in the lives you’ve lived.

 

M: Many and I think that’s why we connected the way we did because we had that common ground between us. Both of us are explorers of the human condition to some extent and we share that knowledge. Yes.

 

K: And what is the human condition?

 

M: It is but only to love. The human condition is to love. Simple.

 

K: Was it simple for you when you were here?

 

M: I had my moments of gritting my teeth. But even in those frustrating, futile moments that I found myself in I would pray, please God allow me to love. (she’s giggling because she makes me feel she did have some teeth clenching times and this was her calming mantra.) I was only human.

 

K: And what does it meant to be human?

 

M: Then or now?

 

K: You can start with then.

 

M: Experience. Sharing. Teaching. Loving. Challenging yourself. Exploring. To be human is to understand another human and if you can’t understand them at least show some understanding and compassion. There is no one word that I can personally attach to the definition of human. It is the piece of the I am, The Source, God on earth. There is no singular word that can describe that because it’s to experience life and life is everything.

 

K: And now?

 

M: The same thing.

 

K: I got the chin quivers going on right now. Oh man. You are amazing.

 

M: Thank you.

 

K: It’s like, when you talk, it’s a constant embrace; a continuous hug.

 

M: Allow affection in all forms. It can come from all directions.

 

K: Did you die in your sleep?

 

M: I slept hard. I went into my eternal slumber. I didn’t worry about it. I knew it would come one day. It always does but I believed I would have a peaceful passing and I did. I granted myself that. I kept myself very busy in my life. My last day I asked for peace.

 

K: How do you feel about the legacy you left behind? What you imprinted onto this earth?

 

M: You either go out with a bang or you leave in a whisper. I was hoping for something in the middle. It may have been more of a bang; a knock on a curious mind. It was only that I ever meant to inspire and unlock that in others.

 

K: I think you did that. I’d say bang. A good bang. You said in a quote that everything you do is about survival but I didn’t think that being human was about surviving anymore. I know you had your struggles but were you always in survival mode?

 

M: You speak about survival based on competition. Survival of the fittest. That does not exist anymore. A person can survive by running from or a person can survive by running to. Understand the difference. I ran toward life to live it, to survive it and to learn from it. I survived to experience all that came with my life. I experienced failure and I experienced praise. I lived it and therefor I feel I have survived.

 

K: Well, when you say it like that…

 

M: I spoke, sometimes, in terms that could be taken the wrong way or not understood because at times, I was hard to understand. I didn’t fit a mold because I was my own.

 

K: If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude

 

M: Yes.

 

K: What happens when you change your attitude?

 

M: You change your circumstances. You change what you don’t like. When you change, even just a little, the environment around you cannot help but follow suit.

 

K: Do you think, now from your higher perspective, the world is on the right track to peace?

 

M: (I hear laughter but joyous laughter) My dear, what do you think this has all been for? Peace is coming. What could I say to everyone that could push that along? Be the example of peace. Be peaceful. Lead by example. Gandhi said be the change you wish to see in the world. Be the peace you wish to see in this world. I believe in a ripple effect. Who will be the push to create those ripples? I offer that invitation to all those who come to hear me; to read this. Hear my voice and feel me as I push you to create those ripples of peace that start with you.

 

K: Do you help in that way? Do you still give your energy to your causes here?

 

M: It is very important to me to continue in whatever capacity I can as a Spirit.

 

K: Angel?

 

M: (chuckles) Thank you. If I am seen by one as such a thing as that, I will take it.

 

K: A quote that I really like is, We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty. Thank you for acknowledging that in us; in you.

 

M: Everything I lived made me who I was. There is no denying the beauty in that. Every single person has their moments of transformation. As painful as it can be, flying free is beautiful. It’s a beautiful thing. 

 

K: I have to say…I was a little nervous about this but I’m happy you…

 

M: I refused to move.

 

K: (smiling) Was it a challenge?

 

M: I believe it is a challenge by someone that loves you very much.

 

K: Yeah. Yep.

 

M: How does that feel?

 

K: Addicting.

 

M: Hhhmm. Yes. Well, I wish you all the best, Kimberly.

 

K: I’ll take that. It means a lot coming from you. Thank you for allowing me to ask you some questions.

 

M: Oh, I don’t mind. I’ve done some sharing over the years. Have a wonderful evening.

 

[_As she goes I just hear laughter. Pure happy laughter. _]

 

 

 

 

Conversations with Paul Walker – Sharon’s Questions Answered

 

August 11, 2016

 

 

I’ve changed up the pic because, in all honesty, he wanted a new one and he likes the shirt. This conversation is because my good friend, Sharon, had a couple questions for Paul and it’s been a while since I posted any chat so here it is. I hope it makes sense. He talked really fast today and sometimes, to me, word for word doesn’t script well in written form so my apologies in advance. Here is my good friend in Spirit, Paul Walker.

 

 

 

P: What’s up Kim?

 

K: Nothing much. How are you Paul?

 

P: Cannot complain one bit. I’m well. So, let’s chat.

 

K: What do you want to chat about today?

 

P: I don’t know. What about those thought provoking questions given to you by Sharon or the meaning of life?

 

K: The meaning of life? Are you one to comment on such things?

 

P: Well I have lived it. I guess it would be personal for anyone that asks.

 

K: So what is the meaning of life for you?

 

P: Hhhmm…(thinking) For me, relationships played a huge part in my life. All relationships and when I got here, I understood (intertwines fingers) how they all fit and why that girlfriend of mine, that I dated twenty years ago, was really part of my life. By the way, that’s just an example. Don’t go trolling, people.

 

K: You peak people’s curiosity when you talk like that. Just sayin’.

 

P: (grins) I’m good at that. So, meaning of life…

 

K: Your relationships. Anything else? Would you say your job gave you some meaning in your life?

 

P: Of course. It did in the way that it introduced me to the world in a way that I could be helpful. I wanted to be helpful in my life but always acting on a screen wasn’t that helpful so I used it as a tool to give back where I could, you know. To start organizations or to be the face of an organization, that was really there to reach out, was important to me so in that sense, my job or what I did gave meaning to my life. It was cool to be that and play that part and be who I was but it was where it led me that really counted.

 

K: Would you say you wanted to be some sort of leader in that way?

 

P: (rubs his lips with a finger) I don’t think I wanted to be a leader but what I did put me in a position where I could be seen as an example and I wanted to be an example of what a person could do to be helpful in some way. You know, people think that they have to do these grandiose things to be helpful when it just takes an act of kindness. Like you, the other day, with the old lady. That was really cool of you and it was appreciated. She was too proud though to accept the help. She still wanted to be capable but she appreciated it.

 

 

I offered help to a senior citizen who was trying to get to her car without falling down. She was very immobile but wanted to do it herself.

 

 

K: I agree. It’s about the small things that could, potentially, make the biggest impact. Okay, let me see if I still have that email. Gosh, I hope she doesn’t mind.

 

P: Email her the reading and if she doesn’t (mind) we’ll post it.

 

K: We’ll?

 

P: Because I’ll knock until you do.

 

K: She wasn’t sure what to ask.

 

P: Because it’s a big deal to talk to a dead guy. (laughs)

 

K: To some it is a big deal to talk to a dead guy. It’s still a big deal to me.

 

P: You make it a bigger deal than it has to be.

 

K: Is this turning out to be some sort of guided tough love thing or are you going to answer the questions from Sharon.

 

P: Both.

 

K: You’re cheeky today.

 

P: I’m in a cheeky sort of mood.

 

K: Okay, she asks…Oh my God. I didn’t know it was about relationships and here we were just talking about that!

 

P: It’s called synchronicity.

 

K: I still shake my head.

 

P: What about relationships?

 

K: How people relate to each other…interact with each other and the energy involved in that and how we can be aware of how we contribute to either a solution or a problem. She says you’ve touched on this before oh wise one.

 

 

Nodding his head.

 

 

P: Yeah. I get that some relationships leave you scratching your head and thinking, why are they in my life? or they get me so frustrated. Stuff like that. There’s judgements on people we know whether we know we’re judging them or not. That’s usually when our big tough egos get in the way and we think we’re better in some way. Relationships, man, they can be tough. I had good ones but I also wasn’t perfect and some weren’t as great. Man, sometimes I wanted to run screaming. These are the times I went into leave me alone. I need alone time mode. Let’s break it down.

 

K: Sounds good.

 

P: You’re relieved.

 

K: I’m not ashamed to admit I like the bigger topics broken down.

 

P: Okay. (rubbing hands together and sitting up) Energies involved, because we’re talking about relationships on earth…God! I’m sounding science fiction now. That’s not me.

 

K: I’m laughing at you.

 

P: Not cool. (winks) From what I’ve learned being here, relationships can be about ego or vanity. I think that’s the same thing or same umbrella. Or, they can be about love…being compassionate, your word.

 

K: Yes.

 

P: I think that it’s that gut reaction when interacting with people, you know. People will either be so cool and you just get excited thinking about being around them or they call and you look at your phone and cringe. Now, this is from my perspective right. So I hope that’s okay.

 

K: I think that’s why she asked.

 

P: Like, under those categories, those relationships will play out like that. They don’t necessarily start out like that. When entering into a relationship with anyone, that first meeting can be really cool and fresh and, well, new. It’s always great to meet new people that kind of get you thinking or speaking in a different way than you would have before. It can make you go, wow, I never thought of it like that before. That type of thing. But, soon or not so soon, you may come to a point where not everything they say resonates with you and it just ends up getting irritating. But, you’ve known them and you allowed that part of them to play a role in your life so instead of speaking up, you try to ignore but on the inside are judging the crap out of them. You know you’re doing it so when Sharon asks about contributing to a solution or a problem, if you’re not acknowledging it or having an honest conversation about it, well, you’re contributing to the problem. The solution to any sort of conflict or open discussion is honest conversation. Not in a way that’s undermining or just being an ass but open and honest talk. This is where egos can contribute to problems though. I’m going to ramble here. Let’s talk romantic partnerships with not so good communication. If no one is willing to be honest about their feelings, the relationship is going to break down and resentment sets in, you know. Yeah…communication. Honest communication. I don’t think people feel they can be honest because it might hurt someone’s feelings but dishonesty would hurt more, right?

 

K: You’re asking me?

 

P: Yeah.

 

K: Well, my feelings get bruised a little bit when people are being honest with me about something I’ve said or done and I’m good at holding that in. Then it just festers.

 

P: Contributing to the problem.

 

K: Usually it gets talked out though.

 

P: Contributing to a solution.

 

K: So communication.

 

P: Number one. I think every psych/shrink says that. I’m just reiterating.

 

K: But after death do you think a different way?

 

P: Sure. You get a bird’s eye view of what various relationships were meant to be, how your decisions affected them or how their role in your life affected you. So yeah, it’s easy for me to say communicate but I see it way differently now. There’s some people, and I know you’ve experienced this, where you can’t communicate honestly at all because it creates this storm of emotions and hurt feelings and instead of walking into that storm head on, you get into your basement and avoid. Not good either right. Because an emotional storm from someone is their storm. You can join them, sure but you can also be that calm. The calm is where it’s at. Calm is catchy. Calm is like that cold that people want to avoid but will eventually get.

 

K: You’re using a cold as an example of calm?

 

P: Well, think about it. If someone flies off the handle in front of someone who remains calm, will a situation escalate or will the drama queen/king walk away. It’s like what you heard about playing tennis. You need two players. If one isn’t playing, the game’s over.

 

K: Okay. Makes sense.

 

P: I forgot the question.

 

K: No you didn’t.

 

P: It’s something I feel I should say because we’re rambling.

 

K: It’s okay. Sometimes the best information comes from rambles.

 

P: True. You’re so smart.

 

K: Okay, so…I forgot where we are. Just a second.

 

P: I have all day.

 

K: She’s asking about being light workers…? How can we bring our light but then she figured it out it seems. Did you want to contribute anything to that?

 

P: Light workers. I never, in a million years, even when I lived, would think that I would even understand that term. Geez…

 

K: Okay, so?

 

P: Just stand. Stand in your shoes, on your feet, connect to the ground and stand. You don’t necessarily have to DO anything. Just stand. Light work (shows me a lighthouse on the coast) even by just standing in who you are and, like, your integrity as a human being, your intention…that’s it. She’s right. Be you. I was lucky, you know, I could be me because I got all that I wasn’t out in films or whatever. I got to act parts and then I could walk around being me; Paul Walker, which gave me the opportunity to allow people to get to know and see who I really was as a real person. It was incredibly important to me to show that authenticity and, for lack of a better word/phrase, show me. To an extent, I was very open and honest; every interview that I did I wanted to portray me. I didn’t want to act when answering questions because I felt it very important, if I was to put my face or name to a charity or organize some sort of cause, that there was no pretense behind it. That it was me, Paul, that was behind it. Same with the light work thing. It’s not for show. It’s about being that example, that leader, that tall and big light by just being. When I look at this world, and I see what’s going on, sometimes I shake my head because everyone’s trying to be something that they think they should be. Something that society tells them is the way to be or live when it’s not like that at all and people begin to feel so lost and…yeah, a little worthless because what someone else is doing or being an example of is so out of reach and it leaves a person feeling inadequate. There’s no such thing as inadequacy. I had my moments but being here, I see that there’s no such thing and it just starts within because everything that person is looking for outside of themselves just isn’t filling that gap, you know. Even parents, we’re guilty of having our kids fill that gap that we never got to fill when we were younger so some parents put that pressure on their kids. A natural thing. I’m guilty of it, in some ways, too. (sighs) Where are we?

 

K: I’m not sure. I’m just enjoying hearing you talk. Talk away.

 

P: I have opinions.

 

K: I don’t think they’re opinions as much as…okay. Maybe opinions. I can’t think of another word. Something just popped into my head though.

 

P: Uh oh.

 

K: Relationships with Spirit?

 

P: Great.

 

K: Sarcasm is not needed here nor is it supposed to have a place there (heaven)…so I thought.

 

P: It doesn’t really but I’m feeding off of you…that sounds creepy. And you can be sarcastic.

 

K: I prefer dry sense of humor.

 

P: (laughing) I’m not sure she’s gonna want to share this. We’re kind of snippy today.

 

K: I know right. So, relationships with Spirit. Would communication be the same thing?

 

P: Uh…it’s a different kind of communication right. It’s not something that everyone can trust. (sits back and puts an ankle over a knee) It’s about beliefs and things like that. It’s a tough one but yeah, I mean, keep an open mind.

 

K: I’m always being told trust. So, I don’t think it’s so much communication with words but with feeling…stop that.

 

P: What?

 

K: Get out of the chest.

 

P: But that’s just it right? The feeling, the unmistakable sense that something else is at play, that someone is around you and that face in your mind isn’t just about imagination but of something more realistic than that illusion that humans are living. Now I’m really starting to sound spacey and new age. Again, not me but since we’re on the subject…

 

K: People communicating with Spirit have different talents. Is there a preferred one/way with Spirit?

 

P: Well, I can’t talk for all of them because there are so many ways that we still interact with people but, I like talking, I like feeling, I like planting myself in that space on the forehead. I like sneaking in ideas every once in a while. I’m not so much a ghost type that will turn the lights on or off but I have been known to. I don’t know. I liked conversations when I lived and I liked to have a good time but I also liked the feeling you get when you’re hiking or something. Or you’re at the ocean and all you hear are the waves and the feeling that gives. It’s still communication. You’re just communicating with something bigger than you. Then there’s that moment that it clicks, right. You get a smile on your face when that happens but for another, it could be a sigh of relief or with someone else, it could bring that lump in the throat, that emotion. I come in ways that it’ll just hit someone and there’s no mistake about it. I don’t do parlor tricks. That’s not me. When I communicate, people will know it’s me. There won’t be any doubt. As for others, well, they get a kick out of joking around. There’s no harm done. They just like to come off more obvious. It depends on how the living interpret things. If it’s a ghost story they want, they’ll get. It’s all love though. It’s all communication. As individual as we were on earth, that’s also a part of us that still continues in Spirit.

 

K: Anything else?

 

P: I just…I like honesty. Don’t hand me a load of bull shit when I’m standing with you in conversation whether it be debate or deep thought. I say it like it is and that’s it. With some, it was harder to do than others. Did I judge a little bit, sure. We all do. It’s finding those ways in the relationships that will work or will not. It’s a lot of exploration because everyone is different and that’s what makes relationships so great. They’re all great because they’re all meant for something. From the smallest to the biggest impact. It’s all meant for something. So don’t hold back and just… you know, be you.

 

K: That’s so great and I know you’ve said that before.

 

P: Who else are you going to be? Not everyone has a script to memorize or a camera in their face. And even if you did, it takes a pretty cool person to just be themselves in the world like it is. That’s why, if someone’s going to create something or do something great, have that foundation of it be honesty and trust yourself that it can be done and there will be more people that appreciate it than criticize it. It’s funny, people latch on to the criticism more and it all comes from trying to live up to something based on someone else. I think it’s time to start appreciating people for who they are, not what they’re not.

 

K: I know. I think so too.

 

P: Before I go, I just wanted to express my…that sounds too formal. To Sharon, thanks for the support and I hear you when you speak. Sometimes thanks isn’t enough when it comes to people like you. Because of your support, I still have somewhat of a voice so Thank You. Yeah. (nods his head pensively) Thank You.

 

K: She’s pretty great. Soul sista!

 

P: Soul Sista! See ya Kim.

 

K: Bye.

 

 

[_ Does that kiss the hand and offer thing he does and then *poof* gone. _]

 

 

 

Conversations with Judy Garland

 

August 26, 2016

 

 

Honestly, I was expecting to talk to Marvin Gaye before this but when she came through he literally told me ladies first and so she came in first. This woman is fun, she’s Miss Sassy Pants and honest with the feelings she gives me and shows. She’s to the point but not in a harsh way. She says it like it is. She’s very okay with how she lived and what she’s learned from that life. I loved how she didn’t try to hide anything but answered questions and enjoyed doing it. She was at ease which made me at ease. I really enjoyed her company over the last three hours. Here she is, the lovely Judy Garland.

 

 

 

J: It is a pleasure that you would sit with me and give me some of your time. I can honestly say I quite like seeing this take place but to actually chime in is a great pleasure. I see it happening more and more. When I lived (laughs) doesn’t that sound strange to say but, when I lived, I never thought things like this could actually take place but now…(takes a look around) people are so open to it. I’m speaking fast. I know.

 

K: You are speaking fast but that’s okay. Thank you for showing up. I’m happy that I have some time to give to you. It’s an honor.

 

J: Thank you. So…(crosses her legs and clasps the knees with her hands) what shall we start with?

 

K: Oh, I don’t know. How about the beginning. How did you start in show business?

 

J: (grins big) My mother and my father started it all. I have to say that I think my sisters and I were given the task to live their dreams for a time. But it was fun and I always loved it. Being up on that stage; singing and dancing. It always gave me a thrill from a very young age. I couldn’t have imagined doing anything else.

 

K: Did your sisters like it as much as you did?

 

J: I can’t speak for them but for a time we were a great team. I loved being up there with them. It was a support for me. They grew up though. I suppose I never really did.

 

K: Why would you say that?

 

J: Because, Kimberly, I don’t think I ever gave myself the opportunity to grow up the way a child should. I was always pretending. Even until the day I died I was always pretending.

 

K: Would you say you refused or didn’t want to get to know yourself…who you really were without the show business?

 

J: It’s a fair question and one that is quite easy to answer. No. I did not take any time to get to know myself. (she shudders a little) To be alone with myself wasn’t something that I enjoyed doing. I needed to be in the company of others to truly feel any sort of worth. (shrugs) Looking back, there was everything wrong with that but at the time I never gave it a second thought. I wanted…no…needed to be the center of something and usually that was someone’s attention.

 

K: Was that always? Since you were a girl?

 

J: Yes, but as a child or a young woman, you don’t have to fight so much for that attention. As a woman…in that business I had to compete to be the center of attention.

 

K: Were you happy with who you were?

 

J: I was very happy with who I was until…oh when was that now…when I started acting seriously. My looks were picked over a lot. As it is today, an actor is chosen for how they look most times and my looks were criticized. There was always something done to my appearance to please another person so I believed myself not to be good enough in another’s eyes and it was a very lonely place to be. Of course, it wasn’t always, but it was enough to make it difficult to look in the mirror and want to get to know that person staring back at me.

 

K: It’s a message of mine to love the reflection staring back at you. I talk about it all the time.

 

J: It’s very important but it was impossible for me at that time because when I felt like I was on top, that I was beautiful or that I killed this audition or that audition, something was always imperfect. Being in the business I was in…darling, let’s just say…it was very difficult to see something to love when being picked apart was constantly hanging over your head.

 

K: But you were successful. People loved you.

 

J: Yes. I was happy with my performances. Not everyone liked me. I was a hard person to know. I could be…what’s the word? I could be a diva.

 

K: And now?

 

J: Oh no. (shakes her head) Never. (Winks)

 

K: Old habits die hard or are hard to break?

 

J: Old habits never die. They get harder to break.

 

K: Are you still miss thang over there?

 

J: I enjoy a good time. I create a good time. But a good time here is much different than the good times I had there. They are true and with people I love to be around and it’s not forced. I enjoy being happy and lively without the help of anyone or anything. It’s a true joy and I sing. I sing for everyone and I play and I enjoy to play for people because it’s what I truly loved to do. I found that feeling of it like when I was a young girl and I still had that innocence on that stage. That is how I perform. It is just one of my many aspects but I do enjoy it and I do embrace those that do it in there human lives now and who struggle with identity or worthiness because they don’t look a certain way or cannot be what someone wants them to be on a screen. I have to be there for those people. I have to hold them as they face their own uncertainty of their individuality because it is ever so important now.

 

K: Was it as important then as it is now.

 

J: Of course. It always is but in my life as Judy Garland, I was blind to that authentic part of myself because if I chose to be that, I couldn’t be that woman on stage or playing that part on the big screen.

 

K: There’s an elephant in the room and it’s a song.

 

J: (grins) I love that song. It has so much meaning.

 

K: How happy were you that you were Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz and that you could sing that song? (Over The Rainbow)

 

J: It was an opportunity that I would never take for granted. I did, somewhat after that movie, wore that feather in my cap until it wore out but that song…I couldn’t. Yes, there were moments that I did not want to sing it. It would be the last thing I wanted to sing but in the moment of the song, when I started it and I saw the love of that song on those audience faces, I just sang it with everything in me. At times I had to force it because I had trouble feeling it sometimes, you know. We all have those bad days.

 

K: Absolutely. We all have those bad days. For me, that song is for the dreamer, for the mourner, for the terminally sick, for those who wish for something more. That song touches so many people for so many different reasons. Did you ever wish to see over that rainbow before you were meant to?

 

J: When I was tired. When I was low. I would look at that sky and wonder what was on the other side of that blue sky that would grant me some sort of peace to what I was living. Those were the tough times. I constantly looked for anything to fill what I lacked in myself and that song, often times, made me wonder if whatever was on the other side of that blue sky would be the same thing as what I was living at that moment.

 

K: Let’s talk about the hard stuff then.

 

J: Yes.

 

K: Drugs and alcohol.

 

J: Something to keep me numb to everything I didn’t want to look at and everything that was staring me in the face.

 

K: Did it give you some sort of attention that you weren’t receiving from others?

 

J: Yes. It dulled that ache inside of me that was screaming for someone to tell me they loved and cared for me. I had many people that genuinely cared for me. Little did I know that it was my voice that was begging me for my love and my care.

 

K: Did you believe those that said they cared for you?

 

J: Sometimes. I knew I was cared for. I knew I was loved. I knew I had fans that adored what I did. Looking back, I know it was all about me. It was what I felt I lacked that I was so desperately trying to drown or ignore and the alcohol and the drugs helped that. I used it as an excuse to continue. I used it as a means to still be able to perform.

 

K: Did you think that it was the only way you could perform?

 

J: Yes. I felt like I was my best when I had my crutches. It was after the fact, when I read reviews or when I spoke to those that loved me or were with me that I knew they were actually displeased with my performances or my (sighs) or with me. They wanted me, the woman and not the performer but with all that I felt I had to live up to, I felt I couldn’t be me. It is a vicious circle. One that all too many know about.

 

K: I have said that it’s not the person but the behavior we tend to get really pissed off with especially when we don’t understand why. Those that watch that addict can never get the answers as to why. Especially with the ones that don’t want help.

 

J: In my case, I was too proud.

 

K: Do you think the marriages had something to do with addiction?

 

J: Hhhmmm. Was I addicted to relationships?

 

K: Were you?

 

J: I just didn’t want to be alone.

 

K: Children?

 

J: I did my best to be the mother that they needed and I loved them very much but I wasn’t the mother that they needed all the time. Stability wasn’t my strong suit. My legacy, they have had to both love and loath. I do love them. They were the legacy of me that I left. It wasn’t the shows or the music but my children that I am most proud of. Although I wasn’t always the best mother, they are what I am most proud of. They are my greatest accomplishment. When the curtain came down, my life at home would begin. It was there that I had to try to pull it together and go forward.

 

K: Did you try and include them in your performances?

 

J: Yes. I did wish to include them as my parents and sisters included me on the stage. Back then, it was a family affair and sometimes I wished to replicate that.

 

K: What do you think of Old Hollywood verses New Hollywood?

 

J: (shakes her head) No no. I couldn’t.

 

K: Sure. Why not?

 

J: Okay. (thinks about it) In the Old Hollywood there was a certain classiness; acertain romanticism, if you will. I find that’s been lost. Not all but some have lost the creativity about it. The hard earned blood sweat and tears of it. The New Hollywood, I find, expects fame to come easily. I find it comes with a price tag. With New Hollywood, one has their moment in the sun. In Old Hollywood, things were timeless. I believe the nostalgia keeps it remembered. A time of ease, I suppose. In front of the curtain was flawless. No one ever saw behind the curtain as they do now. People’s lives are displayed or they display their lives. (chuckles) I think that’s why I had an easier time hiding. Because the media never worked as it does now. The secret life of Judy Garland remained so, really, until my death. There were whispers but there were never cameras to capture all those moments that capture them now.

 

K: Could you imagine working now?

 

J: Heavens no. I prefer to be remembered as who I was. Yes, people know of my problems and ultimate downfall but I will always be remembered for what I brought to the screen as well which is important to me. Oh…if you could see me now. I have a lot of fun.

 

K: Do you see all those that have passed from Old Hollywood now?

 

J: Of course. I made dear friends. I continue those here. I made many memories. I continue those here. I loved many and I continue that love here.

 

K: How was your passing?

 

J: (snaps fingers) Immediate. I simply passed out.

 

K: And then?

 

 

She’s playing me that song Is That All There Is by Peggy Lee.

 

K: For real?

 

 

J: Kimberly, you have to understand. Sometimes, when I went to bed, I didn’t know if I would wake up. I felt like I had cheated death many times. It wasn’t as if I was completely ignorant to close calls.

 

K: I guess but did you just leave? Just like that? Didn’t you stick around a little to say goodbye?

 

J: I suppose I was thankful that I didn’t plummet to the floor in front of the children. That it happened when I was alone. I felt an instant relief and I followed that. Of course I held those closest to me close to me. I kept them very close to me but there was always that thought of what was beyond that blue sky. What was beyond that rainbow. It was time to experience that and I didn’t hesitate.

 

 

My chest is heavy for some reason. I feel very emotional. Not sad. Just very intense emotion.

 

 

J: I felt love…I felt what true love was for the first time. I had healing for the first time. I felt acceptance; complete acceptance for the first time with no strings attached. I felt peaceful and I felt like me. I felt like I could be me and the immensity of that was extremely inviting.

 

K: I never ask this but what was your life review like?

 

J: A movie that played from the inside out. Although, it was hard to witness the low, I understood that it’s something I lived and I lived a good life. I was so blessed. I had many opportunities and I saw how people really cared for me when I thought they didn’t. It was a real eye opener and I’m glad that I took that moment of remembering and of reminding me of who I was to a world that I left behind. I don’t take anything for granted. I take my life as Judy as a blessing. It gave me so much.

 

K: Did you ever wonder what you would have been doing now? If you had lived?

 

J: Oh…not really. I’ll leave that to the other women who somehow have it all together to still grace the screen with an elegance and beauty I couldn’t find for myself. I now know that I always had it. I had it.

 

K: You sure did. Would you say that confidence lacked somewhat?

 

J: Yes but not always. I had confidence in one place and that was performing. If anything was wrong or everything was right, when I was on that stage…those were powerful moments for me. That’s when I believed I shined the most.

 

K: Attention seeker? (I’m joking with her.)

 

J: Aren’t we all. Everyone wants that star…even if it’s in a daydream.

 

K: Thank you so much for coming through tonight. I wanted some girl power. I’m so happy it was you. Thank you so much.

 

J: I loved it. Thank you for sitting with me for a little while. I should be going.

 

K: I’m sure you have entertaining or parties or something.

 

J: You are always invited.

 

K: Aw, thanks Judy. Not just yet though.

 

J: (winks) No. Not just yet. Goodnight.

 

K: Goodnight.

 

 

Winks, nods and is gone.

 

 

 

 

Conversations with Marvin Gaye

 

August 29, 2017

 

 

Talk about an awesome interruption. I was sitting and having one of those private conversations with Paul, those that I don’t post with Spirit that are personal and look who pops in. He was happy. He smiled a lot. He was relaxed and easy going. He was very personable and caring about this world. His music is listened to all over the world to this day and it was a privilege to sit down and talk with someone that was so…still human. He had a lot of life to him; something that I could really relate to and enjoy sitting with. I enjoy sitting with all of Them but They all have Their very unique qualities and Marvin Gaye was a treat.

 

 

P: Yeah. Told you that would happen.

 

K: Yes. You have told me…

 

M: May I cut in?

 

P: Sir. I was wondering when you’d get here. Awesome to meet you man.

 

M: My man. (shakes his head a little) My man, Paul Walker.

 

 

Hug each other.

 

 

M: Yeah. Pleasure my man, pleasure.

 

P: Kim, you know Marvin.

 

K: Well I don’t know him but I’ve seen him hanging out a little. You want to speak now?

 

M: Well, I saw you two talkin’ a bit and so I thought I’d get in on a little discussion seeing as how I didn’t get the opportunity the other night. It’s a pleasure to meet you Kim…Kimberly?

 

K: It doesn’t matter. It’s funny how many of your songs I’ve been hearing in movies or in the car. Talk about letting yourself be known. And thanks for being so patient.

 

M: It’s all good. I’ve been looking in from time to time and thinking I’d like to get in on something like this and I slipped in while I could.

 

K: Now that you’re here, I don’t have any questions in my mind. Okay.(getting settled and concentrated)

 

M: Well, why don’t I ask you something.

 

K: Sure. Ask away.

 

M: How is it for you when you get a full house and you decide who to let in and check out and who to say no, not right now.

 

K: Do I have a full house? (kind of used to a full house at this point. plus, I got my friends and family that hang out too)

 

M: Well… (he’s looking around) you got this guy (thumbs to Paul), you got a few in the back there…(looks behind Paul) and you got those hanging out all the time. (Spiritual Council of Light) Do you ever just want it all to go away because it seems like a lot that happens around you and in your mind. (touches his temple)

 

K: It can be a lot and it can be tiring but I’ve learned to have more boundaries so if I can’t get to a conversation or if I have someone visiting that I don’t feel I want around…no means no right?

 

M: Sure does. I don’t know…it’s different. But I like it. There’s a general consensus that this is some pretty cool shit that us, that have left, can still take part in some way. It’s a good thing. You know, when I lived, I thought when death came knocking on the door, that was it. It was over. It’s good that there are some that know better.

 

K: Were you scared to die? Was that something that you thought about?

 

M: I didn’t think on death much. As someone who wanted to be creative, it came up from time to time but my biggest questions were of the human nature and what was happening with us. You know…violence, war. It wasn’t okay with me. I wanted to be a voice that kind of gave that awareness but I loved music so I joined the two. I wrote about what I saw and how I felt about it and I wanted to bring awareness to people about what was happening in their world.

 

K: But your music wasn’t all political. I’m sorry, I only know some of it but a lot of your music was fun.

 

M: Yeah. Something to get down to. Something to have a good time to.

 

K: Speaking about a good time…you…how do I say this…

 

M: Come on. Spill.

 

K: Would it be something to say if I said that you paved the way for sex to be sung about and for it to be accepted that way in music?

 

M: I don’t know about that. I liked to push buttons a little. I liked to see what I could get away with. There was the topic of sex in music. Love and romance and all that sap stuff but it was there and I think that’s why people liked those songs because an artists was actually honest about it and singing about it without sugar coating it in a way that made it okay to listen to.

 

K: So you were a button pusher were you?

 

M: I liked to raise the bar for myself. So let’s say that I wrote a song about such ’n such and that was accepted then maybe I could raise that bar a little higher and write a song about something different and even more taboo. I didn’t like to be kept in some sort of box with what I created or with what I wrote. I didn’t feel the need to answer to anyone about what I did and that was a really big reason why I went on my own. I broke free from one company and just branched out on my own and I felt more creatively alive when I did that.

 

K: Do you think to be creative, it’s better not to be under anyone else’s thumb or ideas about what could sell or what, for example, people would listen to?

 

M: Absolutely. 100%.

 

K: But you fought for that creative control while still with Motown?

 

M: I was not backing down from what I wanted to do, what I wanted my sound to be and where I wanted to see myself going. It was important to me to be able to maintain that because what I was singing about or writing about was important to me.

 

K: Integrity.

 

M: It’s one of those words that is easily talked about or said but to actually practice it is hard. When I was alone, I wanted to still be an example for me. When I was alone, I wanted to like the person that I was when I was in a crowd. I didn’t expect less from myself and I didn’t expect less from those that I chose to work with or wanted to work with me.

 

K: Yeah. I don’t know if it’s quite understood or practiced these days but I tend to get disillusioned sometimes with what I see around me. That’s why I appreciate that song of yours What’s goin’ on. I think that when you wrote that song it made a lot of sense and I believe that it still holds truth today.

 

M: Yes…(dancing a little. I’d say groovin’ but I’m totally not that person)

 

K: It’s good. It fits even today with everything that’s going on. I mean, it’s not just in the States. It’s everywhere. How did you feel when you wrote it?

 

M: I wanted to paint a picture. I wanted to make it okay for people to ask questions. I wanted people to understand that it was okay to question what was happening around them. Whatever was going on when I was there and living that, it still goes on today. We’re still asking the questions and waiting for those answers but the answers are coming. They’re coming.

 

K: I’m going to get personal.

 

M: Yeah…

 

K: Your dad. He was an abusive man?

 

M: Oh, you know. He had his moments.

 

K: I think I read that if you hadn’t found music, you would have taken your own life. Is that true?

 

M: There are times that I looked at my life and couldn’t find an end to that. I couldn’t find anything that would free me from that prison of misery until music.

 

K: So it gave you something to…I don’t know…it gave you some sort of strength?

 

M: Music allowed me to get to know myself. It was that thing inside of me that was my personal self-expression and no one, not even my father, could remove that from me. I was lucky though. I didn’t hide it away. I thought, if this is the part of me that will take me somewhere I’m meant to be, then I will use it and I did.

 

K: Is that why you wanted that creative control? Because it was so much a part of you…

 

M: It was all of me. It was that part of me that was forever and it is. I’m happy that I got that opportunity and that it still means something today. Everyone has a message. Everyone has something to say it’s just finding that outlet to say it that’s important.

 

K: Did you have any other outlet?

 

M: You know, I got messed up in stuff that, at the time, gave me some sort of pleasure but I quickly realized that I could continue down that path or carve out what was the most important to me and use that; continue to use that as my self-expression instead of getting sucked into a world that would have been a spiraling mess.

 

K: Drugs?

 

M: Yes. I wasn’t immune to a good time. To an escape but I had my moment and what fed me more was that part of me that was song. That was the message I wanted to spread. I didn’t want to spread a message of trying to escape yourself. I wanted to spread a message to voice yourself. To express yourself in positive and creative ways.

 

K: That’s awesome. I really appreciate that.

 

M: I think all artists, to some extent, have a message. It’s how you put that message out there to the world that will have others listen or turn away. For me, that was still about integrity. I wanted to keep integrity in what I did and not hypocrisy.

 

K: Thank you for saying that. That’s really cool. How do you feel that your message continues to live on? That it’s actually still very poignant today?

 

M: It’s extremely cool. I’m honored. That my music is still listened to today lifts me up to places that I never dreamed I could be. It feeds me and empowers me when I can hang with someone and listen to one of my records and know that they enjoy listening to it today just as much as I enjoyed creating it yesterday.

 

K: You’re timeless.

 

M: (nods) Thank you.

 

K: So, to continue with the topic of your dad…he took your life. How did that happen?

 

M: In simple terms, I was there and got in a fight with him because I was intervening in a fight between my parents. He didn’t like that. He wanted the last word. He got it.

 

K: I just want to know if you ever expected that to happen? If you expected that he could actually do something like that?

 

M: When I was younger, I had…now what would you call them…visions of something happening like that.

 

K: It has also been said that it was because he was sick or something? Tumor in the brain or something? Was that an excuse for him killing you that afternoon?

 

M: No. He knew what he was doing.

 

K: They found some drugs in your system. Were you still using?

 

M: Yes. I had times that I still used the dope.

 

K: Regardless of that, how do you feel about the circumstances of your death? At the hands of your dad?

 

M: You know, I don’t hold onto any judgement or misgiving. He was a dangerous man and maybe I provoked that a little bit. People will read about it and think how awful. To me (shrugs a little) it’s the game we played. It’s what happened. What he didn’t do was kill my voice; my music. Whatever circumstances my death happened under, I still lived on in some capacity and that capacity was what was the real me; the me that actually meant something to a lot of people. I’m not gone completely and I never will be. I live on thanks to those that still find meaning in what was meaningful to me. That’s it. That’s all there is to it.

 

K: I appreciate your honestly. Have you met him? Have you talked with him?

 

M: My dad?

 

K: Yes.

 

M: Sure. It’s all good. We understand what we were to each other. You see, here, you can’t be bitter because you get that everything you lived out; you played out…it was all you. Everyone is joined together for some reason. Me and my old man, we had our reasons and we’re okay with that. We’re okay.

 

K: The more I talk to Spirit and the more I see and feel how they are after they’ve gone from this earth, I feel more and more at peace with relationships and what they were or weren’t. The different roles people play…it really is that big picture that not many people can see.

 

M: You are right about that. The only person that you really have to look out for is you but saying that, once you look out for you, it’s only right to reach out to others in a positive way. That’s how this world is gonna change and it’s gonna change.

 

K: Thank you Marvin. I appreciate your patience and interrupting. I couldn’t say no to you again. Thanks for letting Judy in.

 

M: Class act. She is a class act. You know, we all have had our issues but we’ve also had our glories. Thanks for sharing it all. Thanks for respecting that.

 

K: Hey, it’s what I’m here to do. Come by any time.

 

M: Well right now… (leans forward) I’m gonna see if this guy will give me a ride. I hear he’s pretty good. (thumbs toward Paul)

 

K: We were just discussing that before you got here. We have a difference of opinion on stress levels but have at ‘er.

 

M: Nice talkin’ with you.

 

K: Bye.

 

Rubs his hands together and has a bounce in his step as he turns and goes. Happy. That’s all I can say.

 

 

 

 

Conversations with Roger Rodas

 

September 1, 2016

 

 

I didn’t want to do this one. I fought, pissed and moaned about it. I was a kid in deep refusal. It was a special request and one that I wasn’t comfortable with. It had been lingering for about a week, maybe more. I talked to my buddy Kelsey about it and she’s always so great. “Do it!” Like Rasputin, I had to really hike up my big girl panties but it really wasn’t a topic that I felt needed to be dredged up which I stated out loud to Paul. I was told he would like the opportunity and I knew, from when he popped in from time to time or when he entered the room, he didn’t mean any harm. He was actually apprehensive as well because, as he told me before I started the channel, there was blame. He knew he was missed but because of the situation surrounding his death, there was ultimately blame. As I write this opening paragraph of introduction, I’m still unsure about publishing it. It has nothing to do with him because he’s really really sweet. It has everything to do with me. So facing my own insecurities and understanding his, I introduce Roger Rodas. Race car driver, philanthropist, planner of all things money and all around pretty special man.

 

 

Roger steps up as I’m trying to not have this conversation. He wears a black baseball cap, black V-neck t-shirt and blue jeans. He’s hesitant. Seeing it, I relax a little.

 

 

K: It’s nice to see you Roger. I’ve often wondered about you and I have done a little snooping but can’t find much. You were involved in investments? Money? And you raced cars.

 

R: Yeah. I raced a lot of cars and I invested and helped invest a lot of money.

 

K: Which did you like better. The cars or the money?

 

R: I liked the cars. I liked that better but you know, I knew money and I knew how to use it. I also knew where it could be most helpful to people. I had this desire to share the wealth. There are a lot of people in need. Especially from where I’m from. (El Salvador) and I knew, if I could be okay then I had an obligation to help others be okay.

 

K: I like that. I think more people out there could read that and have it be an example. What made you get into racing cars?

 

R: I guess I was always a little bit of a thrill chaser. I liked action. Normally people who like those high adrenaline things are looking for a little excitement in their lives.

 

K: Did you know it was risky? To race cars?

 

R: It just added to the excitement of it. It was in the back of my mind, when I got into that driver’s seat, but I think I felt a little untouchable at the same time. That kind of attitude made me push my limits.

 

K: Did you push the limits with money as you did with cars? With driving?

 

R: I pushed more with the cars. I was a little smarter when it came to the cash. Mostly because a lot of the money I handled wasn’t mine and so I couldn’t be stupid or play around with funds that weren’t mine. I made a good living. I provided for my family but as comfortable as we were, there were many out there that weren’t and so I tried to give where I could.

 

K: You had some charities. Is that what they’re still called?

 

R: Yeah. You know the one about the widows and the children back in El Salvador?

 

K: Yes.

 

R: It’s really hard for them when, and I don’t mean to be rude, but it’s really hard when a woman loses her husband in that country. It really makes it hard for needs to be met. I saw that and I understood that so, thinking of my own mother and how she raised us, I wanted to help those women that did the best they could to provide for their families in the absence of their husbands. Sometimes I wish I could have helped them more but those that I could, really benefitted. In El Salvador, a dollar could go a long way and I wanted to give something that was close to my roots; that was close to my heart.

 

K: When did you meet Paul?

 

R: I met him on a race track. (smiling remembering) I was driving a car that he used to own. I think we saw similarities in each other and we clicked right away. I mean, who doesn’t click with him. He’s a really great guy. We just had that thrill factor in common. We liked the fast life. We liked the cars. We liked the adrenaline.

 

K: Were you always on the go? Were you always one to not sit still?

 

R: I was able to sit still in the presence of my family because when I was home, that was my sanctuary. When I was home I was a husband and a father. I could have been home more, but then I didn’t know that I’d be gone so fast. Word to the wise, family is number one and tell them you love them as much as possible because you don’t know when that day is gonna come that you won’t be able to see them again how you’re used to. (Kisses his fingers and sends them up)

 

K: What did you like most about racing cars?

 

R: The zone. I liked the zone you got in where it was me and the car and the road. That was it. Chaos could be happening all around me but when I was behind the wheel, I only had eyes on the road.

 

K: The zone… would that be some sort of state of meditation? I heard that meditation doesn’t have to be just sitting in silence but it can be doing whatever it is that gives you the most joy; the thing that you love the most. A passion.

 

R: For me (points to himself with both his hands. kind of like an inward gesture) Everything went away when I was racing a car. Even if I was racing against someone, I knew they were there, I knew that I was trying to get somewhere first but I also just went somewhere else. I only saw that track or that road. It was almost like a sixth sense that there were other cars around me. I think if you get too wound up in whatever is happening around you, the focus is gone and you’re kind of kicked out of your happy place. But if you can just know or observe what others are doing while maintaining your own inner…journey, I guess, you never lose that state of just being one with yourself and whatever it is your doing. I know (grins) you weren’t expecting me to talk like this.

 

K: No. Actually I wasn’t.

 

R: I think that happens with a lot of people when they’re doing something they enjoy. There’s no such thing as time because it passes. There’s no such thing as thinking because your focus is on what you’re doing now. I never let myself focus on anything when I raced but that road.

 

K: Who was the better driver? You or Paul?

 

R: Oh come on now. You’re making things uncomfortable.

 

P: It was me.

 

R: Please. I was the better driver.

 

K: Roger was the better driver?

 

P: I’ll give it to him. Sure. Why not?

 

R: Say it like you mean it.

 

P: We’d joke about it all the time. Whenever we’d go somewhere we’d have to take turns driving.

 

R: Yeah. The cars man. The cars. They were always so cool.

 

K: I bet.

 

R: You drive?

 

K: I do not drive. No. Pretty nervous about it.

 

R: You don’t drive?!

 

K: No. I’ve heard it all. I just get really nervous. I can’t relax because I’m always on high alert.

 

R: You’re over thinking it.

 

K: Easy for you to say Mr. Professional Race Car Driver.

 

R: It’s easy.

 

K: Well, moving on…

 

P: Oh, there now. You’ve made her uncomfortable.

 

K: Who had better taste in cars?

 

P: Seeing as how Roger was driving my hand-me-downs, I’d have to say I did. (He’s laughing)

 

R: You did have good taste. In all ladies you had good taste.

 

K: Shall I leave you two alone so you can reminisce?

 

R: We do all the time.

 

K: Where you are, do you still drive?

 

R: I do. It’s not so much on a race track though. I still enjoy that and I still like to create that but I like those empty highways too.

 

K: You create empty highways?

 

R: Yeah. An open road.

 

K: So you managed money. Did you manage Paul’s money?

 

R: Yeah. I took care of some of his money.

 

K: You guys started an organization about first responders? Was it a question of if or when you would do that?

 

R: I don’t know really. Paul had brought it up to me in conversation one day saying it was something that he was thinking about doing and I just really connected with it. Giving immediate help to those in crisis was something that I could really get into. So we kind of just had conversation after conversation and not long after we were kind of moving it forward.

 

P: It happened pretty quickly.

 

R: Yeah. It was a good thing. Still is. It’s providing the resources to people that otherwise aren’t in the position to do so or don’t live in countries that can act quickly. It’s a good thing.

 

K: I really like that idea. Kind of like an ambulance or a fire truck for other countries whether it be providing money or shelter or food or whatever. I’m not entirely sure what the organization does but I would assume as a first responder, it would be in that general way.

 

R: I enjoyed working with him as a team on that. I enjoyed our friendship and what came out of it.

 

K: So, I’m guessing that you’re here because you wanted to talk about what happened that day? I think it was November 2013?

 

R: Yeah. I wanted an opportunity to explain. I know there’s been a lot of people that think certain ways. The only thing they have are cameras and a barbecued car.

 

K: So, give me what you want to give.

 

R: We left a benefit together and it was my car so I drove. I was always driving fast.

 

K: I heard you were driving pretty fast for the area.

 

R: Yeah. I was a little gas heavy that day.

 

K: I want to ask you…was it the car that had a malfunction or was it…well…you?

 

R: The car was not to blame.

 

K: Can you take me through the events of that day?

 

 

He’s going to give me images so I’ll translate those as best I can. I see Roger and Paul leaving a building. They were happy and in good spirits. They got into a sporty looking car. Roger was driving. He sped away fast and got up to a pretty fast speed. In the car there was some laughter. Roger looked away, it looks like he was on a turn. He was going pretty fast. Paul noticed the curve. There was some panic and because of the speed it looks like Roger couldn’t recover in time and they hit a tree? It looks like the car caught fire?

 

 

K: No reaction time?

 

 

Roger shakes his head no.

 

 

K: This is really hard for me to see. I’m sure it’s hard for you too.

 

R: Yeah.

 

K: One moment.

 

R: That’s all it took.

 

K: Was your death instant?

 

R: Yes.

 

 

He makes me feel his chest and his head. Like being slammed really hard. The impact of the crash I believe was what got him first.

 

 

K: So you didn’t die in the fire?

 

R: No. I was gone before that.

 

K: Did you feel any pain?

 

R: No. (he snaps his fingers)

 

K: What about after? Did you hang around? Were you around the car?

 

R: I was. For a minute I thought it wasn’t real. But I quickly realized that it was. I panicked a little. Paul was pretty stoic. I saw a crowd but no one could really get to the car because by that time it was pretty hot.

 

K: I bet.

 

R: Yeah.

 

K: I think I need a moment. The feelings you’re giving me are really emotional. I think I need a part two. Is that okay with you?

 

R: Sure. The black color I was showing you was the car after the fact.

 

K: Ah. That was pretty black.

 

R: That’s what happens when things burn.

 

K: Okay. So for now, I’m going to just take a pause okay, Roger?

 

R: Sounds good.

 

K: And I’ll come back.

 

R: I know.

 

K: Great.

 

 

So after a long break and a restless night of sleep, I woke to thunder and lightning and decided that it probably wasn’t the best idea to go for a walk and had some time to continue with Roger.

 

 

R: Yes. Good morning Kim. How’s things?

 

K: Things are okay. How are you?

 

R: I’m pretty good.

 

K: Where were we even?

 

R: The crash.

 

K: Oh yeah. (Taking big breaths. I usually don’t want visuals about the actual event but I got that he felt he needed to give them to me.) Anything else on the actual event?

 

R: I think it’s pretty cut and dry.

 

K: What was your actual transition like?

 

R: I stayed at the scene for a long time. I wanted to protect my son from what he saw but I couldn’t but I tried anyway. (son was on scene. not sure how that happened nor did I want to ask.) When it sunk in with my family; my wife and my children…they were pretty distraught. I stayed with them for a few days I guess it was.

 

K: When did you feel you could leave? For lack of a better word.

 

R: It was just…there was a moment that I knew it was time for me to see more. Talk about lack of a better word. I felt this…something was calling me but it said that I could come back and it was right. There was just some things I had to learn and adjust to. Being here, when you first get here, as much as there’s a certain remembering there’s also some learning and adjustment. So I knew that at the moment that I did cross over, it was time for me to do that. Around five days.

 

K: Did you have any guilt about what happened? Did you hold onto anything like that?

 

R: When it first happened, when the crash first took us and I looked at Paul, I couldn’t believe how fast it happened and I was stunned. I couldn’t hold onto any sort of emotion that would be anger or resentment. You can’t really do that here. You can still feel it to some extent but it doesn’t last long so any sort of feelings that I had in regards to feeling responsible? Well, I take full responsibility. A lot of times, when I was driving, I thought nothing could touch me. It was a pretty big wake up call. I felt a little stupid. I felt I needed forgiveness which I got. I was certainly lucky and really blessed that I didn’t have to go through something like that alone, you know?

 

K: What do you think you’ve learned from that experience?

 

R: (grinning) When it’s your time, dude, it’s your time. There’s a lot of things that you see when you die right. There’s a lot of big understandings and why you met who you did and why you lived how you lived. But there’s one thing, someone could…it’s almost like an escape, like escape death. Kinda like someone like me but those nine lives man…they run out.

 

K: Did you ever have close calls before? I’ve seen those crashes on the race track. Or would you ever admit to close calls. (I’m teasing)

 

R: Sure. There were a couple close calls where I thought, man, i’m going to hit the wall. Those were learning experiences too.

 

K: In general, what would you say the lesson for your life as Roger Rodas was?

 

R: (grins and rubs his hands together) To give is to receive. It gave me a lot of happiness to be able to provide for my family, and to help others along the way and have fun doing it. I thank God for my blessings. I was very blessed in my life but it was important to me to share those and be an example for my kids.

 

K: Do you have anything you regret or wish that didn’t happen? I know you’ve shown me pictures of your son and what he witnessed.

 

R: There’s not really any regrets because you learn really fast that everything that happens…it’s like a recipe you know? All these ingredients and steps make the life. To regret one…it doesn’t work. Now, I’m okay but my son, yeah. If I could take back anything it would be the pictures of what he saw that day. No kid deserves to see their parent like that or the thought of a parent like that. I’ve talked with him. I’ve been working with him. Kids are resilient. They’re great. They have terrible memories but with the right support and love, they bounce back. My kids were young which…I think they could heal more quickly.

 

K: Yeah. To be a kid again right?

 

R: And be a teenager again? No thanks.

 

K: Were you happy that you were in a position to live your passion?

 

R: Yeah. Of course. I felt very blessed in my life. I knew great people. I had great friends.

 

K: What are your thoughts on the aftermath of your death?

 

R: I get where you’re going. You know, grieving, hurts, anger, they all play out how they’re supposed to play out. I take full responsibility for what happened. It was an error in judgement. There was no repercussion for me where I am now, Heaven I guess you could call it. I get how people need that sometimes. It’s that type of closure and I wouldn’t watch and judge it like, ‘you want what?’ ‘you think you deserve what?’ because that’s not my story to play out anymore. I think that after nearly three years though, people deserve peace.

 

K: I agree. So, Roger, are you still alive?

 

R: (laughing) What?

 

K: There are rumors that you’ve faked your death.

 

R: How the hell could I fake something like that?

 

K: I don’t know. Elvis did it…apparently.

 

R: For real? Girl? I know you’re playing with me right now.

 

P: She’s playing with you.

 

K: It’s a question. You have to answer it.

 

R: I’m gone. I didn’t fake a death. I am gone. Fake a death? Come on. My family, my life was too important to me to fake a death. Plus, I’m not that good at hiding. I like the action. Couldn’t lay low for too long.

 

K: Cool. Yeah, I thought I’d just put that out there because yesterday, Kelsey showed me all this conspiracy stuff that started when she saw some preacher guy on a street and started in on the conspiracy stuff with Paul and we were floored. I just thought I’d ask because, well, I could be crazy. It’s still a possibility.

 

R: Well, I mean, it’s big of you to consider that and make peace with that but…uh… I don’t get that you’re crazy.

 

K: Awesome. Is there anything else that you would like to add or are you open for questions if they come up from curious people?

 

R: (rubs his hands on his thighs, seems pretty easy going about it) Yeah. I’ll answer questions if, you know, they’re appropriate. (chuckles) I still got a reputation, you know?

 

K: I know. I don’t press though. Not a troller.

 

R: It’s why I showed up. I’m…I wanted to tell my story, in a way, I guess. It’s been a while. I hope that me being here over the last couple days has kind of given people some idea as to what happened. Paul meant a lot to many. He means a lot to me. He’s my friend. He’s my brother. He’s the best there is and still is and he’s okay. I’m okay. Things played out for the reasons they did and as tragic as it was, it was what it was. I lived. I lived because I loved life. I’m happy that I packed all those experiences in there when I could and I think people neglect to do that, you know. Thinking there’s always tomorrow. Oh, I could do that tomorrow. Maybe. Maybe not. Living is important. Experience is important. Paving the way for good in this world is important. Being an example whether people see it or not. It’s what I tried to do. I’m at peace knowing I did.

 

K: Thank you. I think you did. I mean, I don’t know who you were, I don’t know much about how you lived but knowing you here, as you present yourself, I have no doubt that you left a mark on everyone that knew you. Thank you Roger. Welcome to my family.

 

R: Thank you. (nods in appreciation) Thanks. It means a lot. Thanks for taking the time with me. I’m really thankful for this opportunity and yeah, if there are questions that come up, I’ll try to answer them. You know, I like to keep my family’s privacy. They’re still there right but it’s cool. People get curious. I was.

 

K: Yeah. I think these things open up discussions and important ones so thanks for being a part of this and thanks to Paul for insisting we meet. It was a great pleasure meeting you Roger. Have an awesome day, I guess. I don’t know how that works but…I’ll just stop now.

 

R: (laughing) Yeah. I’ll have a good day. You too Kim. Thanks again. I was nervous.

 

K: Me too! Take care.

 

R: Bye.

 

 

Crosses his arms over his chest and is gone.

 

 

 

 

Conversations with Wayne Dyer

 

September 2, 2016

 

 

I honestly don’t know how to introduce this one. I wasn’t expecting it. A seed was planted a few weeks ago but it never really took hold but in the last couple of days, he’s been showing himself little by little. Is he ever huge! His energy is unreal and when I was speaking with him I just felt my whole…I guess ‘being’ expanding. He stayed with me for probably close to five hours. He just hung out with me is the best way to describe it. His eyes are blue but as a Spirit, holy poop are his eyes ever blue. Just a lovely angelic blue. He had that black hat that you see him wear in pictures and he came with a black shirt and black slacks. He just sat and listened intently to my questions and his answers just flowed. I got a little lost and had to physically check in with myself because I felt like I had just floated off to where he was. After checking spelling and closing it up, I had so many other spin off questions. I may have a part two if I come up with more than the couple more I thought of. Maybe he’ll show up to Spirit Circle Time if anyone else has questions, because it’s not my questions I’m going to be asking but the IrishYogini community’s. I’d be open to it. He was funny and personable. He understood where I was coming from and I didn’t feel like I was overstepping with anything. As with all Spirit, I respect their personal privacy of who they were and who they are but he was very giving with his answers. I will stop rambling. Wayne Dyer is just that person you don’t want to stop talking about. Oh, and I need to add that his voice is as soothing as a lullaby in easy conversation.

 

 

K: Hello…

 

W: Hello… Is this mic on?

 

K: I think so. You’re coming in loud and clear.

 

W: Well, I’m pretty excited to be here and you know, that’s not an overstatement because these things are so fascinating to me. I’m happy to sit with you right now. I’ve been waiting for a good opening and I feel today is as good as ever. Why not today? Today could be the most important day so why not today?

 

K: Yeah. Why not today? How are you? I always open with that. It seems that it’s pretty redundant seeing as how everyone I ask seems to be all well and good. Is it all well and good with you today?

 

W: It is indeed all well and good.

 

K: So, I’m going to be upfront and honest with you, I don’t know a lot about your work. Some of it has been shared with me and I’ve watched some but…when did you start to shift from personal power and/or empowerment to Spiritual work?

 

W: Well, when I couldn’t ignore that the two almost go hand in hand. Not everyone feels that they do and people get their backs up when you throw that Spiritual word into those kinds of subjects. There are some that think personal power has to do with money. There are some that feel personal power comes with prestige or having all those items that they wished they could obtain. And yes, to some degree, success comes with personal power but when you neglect that part of you that is love, the power comes more from an egocentric place than a place of self-fulfillment. I had a realization that to be truly happy with you as a human being and living on this earth, you had to look at those highly evolved and Spiritual Masters before us and see that they really had nothing but themselves and their teachings and they were fulfilled because they found that honor and that love within that shone out. You can be the most powerful person in the world. You can have all the riches in the world that you ever dreamed of having but when that part of you that is your Spirit is ignored, where is your happiness and your joy? Maybe even your peace and what is your legacy that you leave? What is it that you have imprinted on this earth that people will remember. They won’t remember what you’ve owned or how powerful you were. (Starts laughing) Truth be told, people may begin to fight over what’s left. But to leave this world knowing that you are an infinite being, a child of God and that you lived that way, you will be remembered for that and it’s something that will bring peace to people and not fights over who gets what cut of what’s left over. You know, I’m being a little cynical, maybe a little ambiguous but I see it all the time.

 

K: Was it beginning to happen to you? Is that why you went down the Spiritual path?

 

W: I did try to keep my Spiritual side separate from my personal growth talks but it soon felt empty. When I added how it added to my own growth and what I believed or how I wanted to live, it just flowed more freely. The information didn’t stall. It was this never ending conversation with myself and others about the infinity of the soul and where does that come from and how do we connect with something so grand. It’s a profundity that I worked very hard to spread through my experiences and my truth and people resonated with it because as large as it was, it couldn’t be ignored.

 

K: When you talk like that I just feel this increasing expansion in my chest.

 

W: Because the heart can grow so large. It encompasses all that is. It’s not just a vital organ. It’s a vital connection to Christ. It’s a vital connection to Buddha. It’s a vital connection to God. It doesn’t only pump the blood. It pumps the life force that is universal and it works well with all that is you, if one is brave enough to acknowledge its existence.

 

K: Yes. I read a quote somewhere that you said something like be Christ-like, be Buddha-like. Something like that. Correct me if I’m wrong.

 

W: Yes. You are on the right track. Don’t be the religion but emulate the Spirit of it because when you emulate the Spirt of the basis of whatever Religion one practices, it takes a person further than restricting oneself to practicing one way. The basis of all Religion is love. Love is the basis of anything that was created in the image of God. It’s just that the human took it as literal and…well, I can just say for me personally, that it took a right turn when the map said left. I understand you have a readership here so I won’t cause any offense. Personal opinions and thoughts can sometimes raise some eyebrows.

 

K: Oh yeah.

 

W: When a person injects their own personal belief system into another it can lead to further frustration but it only stems from ignorance and fear which isn’t something to be judged and isn’t something that needs to be corrected because…it’s amazing how different and personal a life path is for each individual and this is what each individual has decided to live and be. Graciousness is a wonderful thing. Being humble and thankful is a wonderful thing. Then things don’t sound so harsh to the ears at times when the conversations become so personal.

 

K: Your first book, if I remember, was a great success but was criticized as being a rip off; as plagiarized. Did you care about that kind of criticism? Did it affect you in any way?

 

W: (chuckles) I was a hard nut to crack. Whatever it is they thought I had taken from another was their issue. I read a lot. I was inspired by so much. I followed the teachings of many. I absorbed anything and everything and kept it within me. So, because of that, because I integrated those words within me, I can’t imagine it not having an influence on my work or coming out in a similar fashion. Did I intend to plagiarize anyone else’s work? Absolutely not. I only wrote what I absorbed and integrated within me. When I spoke I always quoted what I took with me so others could research or look it up and hopefully be inspired by what I read as well. I shared knowledge when I gained it.

 

K: Yeah. You did a lot of quoting and a lot of reading. I can’t wrap my head around you being able to recall everything that you’ve read over all those years.

 

W: I liked to consider myself a student of life. Not a teacher of life. To teach is to learn. You must learn to teach. It’s a combination. I wanted to inspire. I wanted to be the person that would take a thought or an idea, talk about it and let it sit in the air and allow people to decide whether they would take that and run with it or if they just wanted to leave it where it landed. I was blessed and I am so thankful that I was given such a platform to create those situations for others. And I did it from a place within me that was a lover of the human condition, an observer of the human condition, as a father, as a husband, as all that I lived. I didn’t want to preach to people. I wanted to light the inspiration in them that they are just as worthy or powerful than any other and here’s the tools to discover that.

 

K: Wow. I think you did just that. Many people loved you and were inspired by you. I only hope that you feel that still.

 

W: I do. I honestly didn’t know how much. I knew that I spoke to thousands of people but the ripple effect of that was tremendous; something that I could only appreciate when I viewed it from here. It’s amazing the insights one gets as they live on earth and the totality of that when you transition. I can understand why people need to take baby steps with things because it can feel so huge to one person and so small to another and that’s where the personal path comes in.

 

K: What would you say about the criticizers or the haters?

 

W: To absorb that is to absorb another’s wounded pride; wounded ego. Who wants to absorb another person’s insecurities when we have enough of our own? I believe it comes down to a strength thing. Maybe a little about character but it does take working with that Spirit within and digging up that power that was always there but maybe you didn’t think you had. It’s a personal choice but to inspire, I couldn’t nor would I absorb another’s insecurities about not being able to find that love of themselves and to try to make themselves bigger by handing out judgements to others.

 

K: God. You’re really tugging at those heart strings because I resonate with that completely. Absorbing another’s wounds. What an awesome way of saying that because it just clicks.

 

W: There’s always a circle of that stuff that plays itself over and over and over again. It’s a broken record. It’s the dirt that buries the heart and to inspire another to believe that they are part of God, that they are powerful and they do have the capacity to be Christ-like or Buddha-like is a responsibility that I took very seriously. But I never wanted to do it in a way that served guilt or judgement. That’s not embodying those elements that the Masters of the past did. I wanted to be light and I wanted to be funny and I wanted to be relatable.

 

K: It worked.

 

W: Thank you.

 

K: How did you feel about death?

 

W: Simply another journey. I didn’t fear it. It happens. It’s going to happen to everyone. I wanted to face each day with gratitude that I lived and when that day came, I faced the obvious with thanks for such a wonderful existence and whenever it was my time, it was simply about going home to that greatness that was me. It’s that greatness that is everyone. It’s scary to greet the unknown. Did I know everything about what I would go back to? No. But I knew there was safety in All That Is and there can be no fear in the unconditional that is God; that is the Loving Source. Life doesn’t stop at death. It simply breathes new air.

 

K: Have you always been a thinker, a ponderer? Did your mind ever just…relax?

 

W: I had a thirst to come to the end of…maybe that’s not the right way to say it but I had a thirst to quench but with every drink, I never could quench that thirst. It’s the best way I know how to say it. I was hungry and I ate a lot…I liked food. Then I hungered for more but I continuously starved. The amount of information or the amount of thought that people have expressed and shared is so vast. There are so many that care enough to spread their own teachings or their own musings and I loved how different they were but there was always similarities or there was always that same idea but taken in so many different contexts. Same idea but expanded in so many different ways. It’s incredible how different eyes view the same thing. It’s intriguing to me. I was one of many. You are one of many. Anyone out there that shares their own truth is one of many. I had it in me to learn from everyone because everyone had something to say. Did I like all of it? No. But I gave it a chance.

 

K: St. Francis of Assisi was somewhat of an inspiration or a…I don’t know the words. You liked the guy a lot.

 

W: The epidamy of compassion. There is so much healing in compassion.

 

K: I actually met him one morning. I was walking my dog and I was struggling so much with her and I was literally at my breaking point so, because he helped me with my dog Zoey and her passing, I called him. It was the first time that I really walked with a Spirit and felt their presence and heard their words clearly and overall felt like I was in the company of a friend.

 

 

Wayne is nodding and smiling. He’s got his face cradled in a hand with a pointer finger around his lips. Kind of like a resting position while talking. He’s agreeing with everything I’m saying.

 

 

K: Anyway, he was an incredible presence and nothing like what I expected. I was expecting this solemn humble quiet monk but he was very lively and had this sense of humor and life about him. He was with me for a few days and helped me immensely with Neeka, more so with the expectations I had when getting her and the actuality of the experience. He told me one morning that the inner flame of all the people in this world are now to join as one blazing fire. He found God in a cave but it wasn’t time to hide away to discover Divinity but to join with others and find it together because we are all connected. Thoughts?

 

W: What a miraculous experience. Thank you for sharing that with me. He’s absolutely right. It is time to come together in a space of oneness. There is no such thing as loneliness any more when there is a higher awareness that we are all connected as living beings. Nature, people, animals, insects…I could go on. The connection is present. It always has been. Acknowledging that is vital. More and more people are aware of this, needing to connect with those that they never expected but know, deep in their hearts, that they go way back and they’re meant to meet again now. Everything is connected in such profound ways. Yes, there are moments where we have to have our alone time, to contemplate who we are and where do we fit in but, still, there is solace in finding that amongst others as well; connecting in that sense of comradery. Nothing is existential alone anymore because we are unified in the oneness that we were created in.

 

K: So, then, in the context of free will and choice…

 

W: We have free will. Understanding the choices we make and their impact still creates a ripple that embraces another because we are all connected in these fine and minute ways. As St. Francis was showing you, though, those minute flames, join together is a bonfire. Flames spread and connect. Eventually, choices will bring you to those that will create that fire. As Jesus said, when two or more gather in my name…it simply is more power, more magic, more oneness that is what this earth was made to be.

 

K: Do you see it getting there?

 

W: Absolutely. Impatience is rampant. We all want that peace that is promised. It’s something to be practiced though. It’s coming.

 

K: Did you feel responsibility or obligation to share and teach.

 

 

Smiles and straightens.

 

 

W: Hhmm. What about a desire?

 

K: Yes. Desire. That being said, it seemed like people wanted more and more of your teachings, of your insights. Did it ever get tiring and turn into a situation where you were booked for something and felt obligated or an expectation?

 

W: I see where you’re coming from but I believe those feelings come from not taking care of yourself or having boundaries. I believe in passion and finding that power within, when nothing seems obligatory or ‘you must do this’. (impersonating authority) When it’s a passion, you only want to continue. It was a passion. I’ll let you in on a little secret.

 

K: Okay.

 

W: Gratitude when your feet hit the floor gives you the energy and the desire to continue because thankfulness for another day brings a cornucopia of gifts from the earth. It’s your breakfast. It feeds your Spirit first thing so it has the will and the desire to continue doing what you love. Days get busy and they get hectic but maybe, just maybe, that day may not have come. So, gratitude to the Earth and gratitude to your Spirit and the Source of All There Is will be your breakfast so a passion doesn’t turn into an obligation. When a person doesn’t eat their breakfast, do they really have the desire to face the morning or are they sluggish and bemusing. We need that nourishment to begin again. Our physical bodies need it and our Spirt needs it. I would say, never ignore breakfast.

 

K: When I felt you were coming in I wanted to ask you about teachers. There is so much out there. You even said it yourself. There are so many people sharing their ideas or their thoughts and impressions. It seems Spirituality has become a sexy thing and teachers are popping up everywhere. Sometimes I feel like, when I read or watch YouTube or anything like that, I feel like I’m being approached by a used car dealer. No offence but you know the stereotype thing that’s made fun of in comedies and stuff. Anyway. How do you know which to continue with or which to drop or which to take with a grain of salt or which to forget about when the populace tells a different story? For example and this is only an example: buy this, I’m offering this, sign up for this course about what I think and pay a mini fortune.

 

W: I understand.

 

K: So, where’s the line because it’s a fine line?

 

W: You’ve had great teachers giving the best of what they had to offer you.

 

K: I did. I am so blessed to what I was introduced to.

 

W: A really great teacher or Master will plant a seed and allow you to grow it on your own, whatever avenue that takes you. People have to make a living. It’s the way it is. So how do you know if it’s a cult culture? You know, there are some great salesmen out there in this community. Ask, how do you align with them or can you even align with them. Use your discernment. Really tap into that intuition and that vibe you get when you hear them speak. Put aside your ego thinking that you could do better or say something better. I’m not speaking about you I’m just being general. How do you feel after hearing them? All it takes is a listening ear and an intuitive mind. You know what you need. Coming out of a course or a lecture and feeling empty is a tell-tale sign. Find a teacher who speaks to you on an equal level. Listen or read how many I’s are in their statements. Are they talking to themselves or are they talking with you. What are their intentions? But if someone is looking for a teacher know, first, what you want to be taught. The first time someone sees a therapist it may not be the right fit. Same goes for spiritual teachers because it is a spiritual alignment. They (teachers) will always change because your inner voice, your inner heart; high heart is always searching and hungry for knowledge. One teacher over a lifetime can’t give that to you unless they are looking for new teachings or teachers themselves. This world is a never ending learning playground. To learn one concept and have it played over and over again and thinking that’s all there is, is redundant because there is so much to learn and consider and everything you absorb is a reflection of what you need in that moment. There is not one defining teacher. There are many. It’s a buffet with a plethora of food for thought. One doesn’t go to a buffet and stick to eating the noodles. Why would you just want noodles? Noodles would get boring after a while. Explore the table. Eat noodles for a little but before it gets stale or leaves a bad taste in your mouth, try the potato and then you can enjoy them together.

 

K: That is probably the weirdest and most amusing metaphor I’ve heard from anyone.

 

W: There’s nothing wrong with noodles but there are sauces or spices that can complement them. Do you understand?

 

K: I do.

 

W: And when there is a moment where you go to a course that you signed up for and something isn’t right, be the observer. Everything has a lesson in it. Leave disappointment to the side and just observe it. You may even learn something you weren’t expecting.

 

K: Yes. I hear that a lot.

 

W: Spirituality is sexy. I agree. It’s a sexy thing. It looks good on a person when they can connect to truth. Sexy looks good on everyone when it fits right. I wouldn’t walk around in something that didn’t fit right. People would look at me funny and I would feel funny. I don’t want to feel funny. I want to be comfortable with it. I want it to hug me in all the right places and I want it to wrap me up. When the inside of you matches the outside of you, that’s sexy and that’s your Spirit saying, ‘look out. I’m here.’ People notice those alignments. You are your best teacher but again, the teacher is always the student. I never wanted to stop learning because of the infinite abundance of thought and ideas; knowledge and words that are here for the taking.

 

K: I don’t know why I want to say regurgitating.

 

W: (laughing) Maybe reheating a little. I gave credit where credit was due.

 

K: There are too many quotes that I love from you. But the basis is personal power I think.

 

W: We are all individuals here to be the best we can be at any time under any circumstance. But we play this game with a lot of people. It’s a dance. Some like the dance slow, some like it fast, some like alone, some a group. Pick your music and if it is in line with all that you are, it will be beautiful.

 

K: How do you feel about your dance? How do you feel about your legacy; what you’ve left of yourself here and all that you’ve experienced.

 

W: I only wanted to uplift. I wanted people to find themselves and be okay with what they found. I wanted to put smiles where there were frowns. I wanted to impress upon people that there is so much more to this place if one would only tap into their own powerful existence; their life as a human being and of a person on this Earth. When I began to understand that for myself, I wanted that for other people and that was my motivation. I loved my family. I loved my children. I was so proud of them because, in a way, they took what I had to offer and built outstanding lives for themselves knowing who they were, what they wanted to see in this world and how they could help that along. I am continuously amazed by them. I am continuously amazed at the intricacies of the human condition and to have played some small part of that whole is an outstanding thing. It really is. I am blessed. I am forever blessed by my experiences that will forever shape me for eternity as the role I played as Wayne.

 

K: Could it have gone differently. Do you think it was chance or choice?

 

W: A little of both. When younger, in my youthly beginnings, I took chances. As an older man, I made choices. If I had done things the other way around, I’m pretty sure I would have had a very different life. No, things played out as they were to. I danced.

 

K: Thank you. Why am I hearing ‘may I have this dance?’

 

W: Don’t turn down an opportunity when presented. Even if you aren’t sure of the steps, there will always be someone to walk you through it so you can do it for others.

 

K: Thank you so much.

 

W: It has been, Kimberly, a very great pleasure speaking with you. Thank you, my dear, for this opportunity. I’ve had many. I enjoy this. I bid you a fond farewell but, most likely, a see ya later alligat-ah.

 

K: Oh man. How do I top that?

 

W: Goodbye Miss. Kimberly. Take care.

 

K: Bye.

 

[_ He stands, tips his hat, kisses the palms of both his hands and offers them, bows and waits a little before *poof* he's gone. _]

 

 

 

 

Circle Time with Spirit

 

September 9, 2016

 

 

This is LONG. You have been warned. You may have to read it in parts. These questions were brought forth from Leanne, Sharon & Chuck. The Spirits that were together in this came because they were mentioned in the questions. Robin is indicated as R while Roger is indicated as RR. The rest are pretty obvious.

 

 

S: Is it time then?

 

K: Yeah. I think we can start and see how it goes. I feel like there’s this air of curiosity and, well, anticipation, which I felt from you immediately when the questions started coming in.

 

S: Yes. That people would be curious or have the kind of questions that they have come up with is quite exciting, isn’t it? It simply means that there’s an expansion of…what you said, curiosity. And that curiosity is a rabbit hole in itself. I believe that people want clarification on certain matters. They want to know what’s beyond, in a sense.

 

K: What about curiosity kills the cat?

 

S: Hhhmmm. It is a good saying but when diving into an area such as oneself or that part of a whole, there could never be a cat killed because expansion is very important right now. So, in that sense, I believe that those who have come up with the questions have become more aware of their own expandedness but still question what it really is. To know what you really are, as we will discuss now, is a big thing. Almost too big for a question answer process because it is a lifetimes process. It’s continuous and it’s great. We are all travelers, learning with every new experience of life. We take that with us but we also forget. Remembering is a process. It is a process that more and more are keen to do.

 

K: I definitely felt that way with these questions and I also got that people are more and more willing to connect with those that have died, for lack of a better word. Maybe even to prove that they’re still around or what people are starting to feel and/or see isn’t something of imagination which I continue to struggle with. Not as much as I used to but it’s still comes up.

 

P: It’s a puzzle. The whole idea behind living and dying was just that. It was living and dying. You hear the whispers of something more and it makes you think, sometimes. Those nights where you can’t sleep and those bigger picture questions just keep you up. Been there. But to a lot of people, it’s about living and dying and not what could be beyond that. I kind of just assumed that there would be a beyond. Maybe even hoped a little. (smiling)

 

K: And to actually know. After everything, to know that it just continues differently. I find that the more I do these types of things, there are more and more Spirits that want to let whoever know that. Whether it be family or friends or strangers or acquaintances.

 

P: If there’s an opening…that thought in someone’s mind that maybe that flicker beside me was dad. I was thinking of dad, could that flash of light be my dad or that sparkle be my sister. That opening is a way in but it gets shut down a lot. It’s better now. I find it’s better.

 

K: What about connecting. What about connection. Is there certain Spirits that still want to talk or share or have conversations with those they’ve left or are there those that kind of just leave it and move on.

 

P: I think there’s both. When I talk to a medium it’s because I don’t mind it. I don’t mind keeping that conversation going.

 

S: I think there are those that don’t because of what history dictates what they were or what they did and now, being here, they know better and they don’t want to get into all of that but continue a conversation in a way that represents them as how they are now. In some cases, I find that there is a reluctance but a willingness also, if only to take that opportunity to clarify; to take what they’ve learned from their life and use it to clarify what others assume to be true.

 

R: Clarify what others assume to be true. (strokes chin in pensive thought) There’s a lot of that. Intrigue, that a person so large in life…what could possibly happen to them or how could they possibly do what they’ve done. (Sits back) I think it’s just a chance for us to give closure. We’re fine here. We are so fine. I don’t want to sit here and blah blah blah about a bigger picture. The cave of humanity has been opened. It’s been that way for a long time so as someone who knew that, to come back in a way that would validate that for another is important for a guy like me. But to have that done in all seriousness is redundant. Take the heaviness away. The heaviness just gives cause to more eye-rolling.

 

K: Eye rolling?

 

R: Because the ones that carry the seriousness; the heaviness are often the ones that are preaching. No one wants to be preached to unless ‘you’re sweatin’ in a church on a hot July Sunday mornin’‘(southern accent)

 

K: Ah. I get the metaphor. I guess to start, I just want to give those that are reading a sense of who’s here. I have Simon, Paul, Robin. I also have Anton and Roger. We’ll see who else comes in.

 

S: Is it an open invitation then?

 

K: I’ll keep things open, it’s just that these are the people that came in probably because of names mentioned in the questions but who knows. There could be surprises. I’m going to start in on those questions I think. I’ll start with Leanne’s and then I’ll do Sharon and Chuck’s.

 

P: Chuck-y! (kind of does this mini fist pump thing)

 

K: Too many creepy doll images.

 

P: Ah well. It’s intended as a greeting and not a doll.

 

K: I know. The mind wanders.

 

P: That’s not the mind. That’s the brain.

 

K: Touché. Okay, I have had side conversations about some of these questions but number one, when Leanne was emailing me about Spirit and talking with friends or whatever the case may be… I saw that.

 

P: What?

 

K: And that.

 

A: What?

 

K: Right. I see those little guilty smiles on your faces.

 

A: What was the question?

 

K: Privacy? Are you guys and Spirit a bunch of eavesdroppers or are conversations private?

 

P: I don’t listen in on conversations for some sort of sick purpose of fulfillment. There has to be a strong sense of, you know, a willingness to communicate or that intention that you’re always talking about to people. It’s a big thing. If my name is dropped in a conversation, I don’t necessarily take that as a call to return. I’m flattered. I’m very flattered but to sit in those conversations…I wouldn’t say I haven’t but in general, I don’t.

 

A: Yeah. A genuine interest to connect is a hell of a lot stronger than just dropping a name. I don’t know if that even gets a person into a club anymore. Does it?

 

P: Name dropping? I dare someone to try it the next time they go to a club. See what happens. (chuckling)

 

A: whose name should they use?

 

P: Man, what’s in a name. I suggest Anton Walker.

 

 

(Anton waves his hand over his head indicating a missed joke)

 

 

A: It’ll just fly right over.

 

K: What about talking in the head. Because a lot of the conversations I have with Spirit are in my head unless I have to transcribe or something. If, for example, Leanne begins to talk with Spirit in her head, is that a call to answer or is it the same as just name dropping in a conversation?

 

P: Usually when it’s in the head it’s trying to reach out with the mind and the heart. (giving me almost the feeling of reminiscing) That has an openness. That just dialed the number. Whether or not they are able to connect with the answer that I’m giving is different. But it’s more powerful than someone could think.

 

K: What about instead of just a name, if they see the face since I was getting that feeling of reminiscing over a memory. Even someone you don’t necessarily know here, if you felt they were an inspiration and you picture them in your mind…could it be stronger yet?

 

S: If there is a picture in someone’s mind, don’t discount that it’s not actually them. That’s where it all begins. That’s an invitation to begin a conversation. Whatever form that takes. Even being one sided. It’s still a beginning. There are no hard and fast rules to it. It’s just a willingness to be open to an experience, whatever it shapes into.

 

K: I’m getting the feeling that there is no one way to do it.

 

S: (shakes head) How can there be one way? There’s not one kind of person, there’s not one way of connecting.

 

K: I’m hearing Kryon say ‘Get out of the way!’

 

S: It’s true. The blocks are there because belief…it has a funny way of being tied to lifestyle, how one was raised, family values and personal criticism and doubt. Yes, people want to begin connecting. Some come by it very naturally. Some have work to do before it happens. For some, it’s just underneath the surface and for others, they must dig deep to find it.

 

K: She asks, and she threw out Anton’s name… (he sits straighter) that if Anton decides to reincarnate to another life, does that mean communication is now cut off to you or others that would channel him? And what happens when a family member of his passes away? Will he no longer be on the other side to greet them..etc because he’s not back on earth as someone else?

 

A: When I died, that person that died was only a part of me. I joined me and that me is who I was, who I am and who I will be. It’s not one of these things where if I come back, I’m no longer here. It’s just a part of me that decides to go back. The whole of me remains. The higher part of me remains. When my family connects with me, Anton, they connect with that part of me that’s Anton but that’s not all I am. Even…and I shouldn’t say this…but even communication with people still living it out on Earth is possible because you’re connecting to them as a bigger part of what they are as a human just going about their day to day. Those higher beings that we all are constantly connect with each other in that way. It’s almost like that whole part of whoever, is helping out that aspect of them that is choosing to live a life now. Director of the play of life; the movie of life.

 

K: To those family and friends that are still here, you’ll always present as Anton?

 

A: Because it’s who they know, it’s who they remember and showing up as someone else wouldn’t be much help to whatever they need from me at that moment.

 

R: And then there’s me.

 

K: Why?

 

R: Because you don’t know what you’re gonna get.

 

K: But showing yourself as Robin being as funny and heartwarming as you can be…people would recognize it. No? Because, let’s face it, there was only one of you.

 

R: Okay. You got me. I’ll admit, I cannot tell a lie. It was me.

 

K: Because when I was talking to Pat the other day and you stepped in, it was Robin, you that came.

 

R: That situation warranted that. There’s a time to play and there’s a time to support and sometimes the two just come at the same time. Sometimes there’s a need for a little comic relief just to ease intensity a little bit.

 

K: Did you, as Robin, rescue any situation with laughter?

 

R: I felt for people who suffered. I didn’t like it. I was an empathetic person in a big way. I did want to turn those situations around because what I saw from those suffering, I felt very strongly. Did I come off as making light of certain things? Maybe, but to interject a little joke or a little giggle did as much for me as I wanted to give to them. (using hand gestures indicating left or right like pointing to people)

 

K: Do you think empaths work that way? Are the peacemakers?

 

R: A good percentage of them, yeah.

 

K: But in the process, sometimes dismiss their own needs?

 

R: A good percentage, yes.

 

K: I’m getting off track. Sorry. Leanne also asks, how does Spirit choose who to connect with?

 

P: For me, I was looking for someone that didn’t have any sort of preconceived ideas or bias because they saw me in this film and that’s who I was. I was looking for someone who could just lay it out for me. I don’t think I had any sort of purpose but to…I didn’t feel like I had unfinished business, I just liked who I was and I loved what I was able to do with me and the relationships and what the impact of those had on me was incredible and it wasn’t something that I could just wash my hands of. So I was introduced to Kim and there were a few others that I introduced myself to. Kim’s taken it the furthest though with a little pushing. (smiles) I like to push a little. It was shocking for Kim, you know, to have someone working away, turn and see someone that they weren’t expecting and struggle with that, even if it’s something you knew could happen. It just wasn’t expected and it never is. If someone’s looking for a certain way to connect with Spirit, it narrows the chances happening because it has to be more open. There has to be that bigger space for both of us to fit to make it work.

 

K: I’ve never experienced anything like that before. It was unnerving plus…well, let’s be honest, you have a lot of people that love you. It’s something that I wrestled with; other people’s perceptions and truths. I have made other connections in more interesting and subtle ways also.

 

A: Yeah, I’m not as direct but…it’s almost like a recognition. We met (points to him and me) through an article (there was a photo attached) that you came across. That was our introduction.

 

K: Yes. And with Christine. Same thing happened. The picture just kind of took on a life of its own and I knew that I was meant to connect in some way but wasn’t exactly sure how to start that process.

 

A: Yeah so, in regards to me, there was that click of recognition that hey…there’s a light on there. I would say just be open to possibility.

 

S: You hear of taking care of the body, of eating all the right things but even if a person was on the most terrible diet, that family member or that friend will still show their presence. It’s the openness of the human that will allow that or not. Taking care of the body is extremely important. Drinking enough water allows for more flow. But if you’re doing everything right according to someone else but you still have the uncomfortable fear that it’s not right or it’s scary or you shouldn’t be doing it, it will be more difficult than if you had done nothing but knew of the idea of a bigger picture. You don’t have to know of a bigger picture. The thought or idea of it is enough to start a process; a personal process.

 

K: Which actually leads me into my next question from Leanne. Is it possible for someone who didn’t grow up with mediumistic abilities to somehow connect with Spirit directly?

 

 

There’s no wait time. He gets right down to answering it.

 

 

S: (holds thumb out) Intent. (holds pointer finger out) Belief (holds middle finger out) Trust. (holds ring finger out and grabs it with other hand) Open your mind to possibility and potential (holds out pinky) Understand, my beautiful Leanne, that you are just as deserving and able to use the gifts that you and everyone are born with. It is not a club, Dear Heart. Everyone was blessed with the ability to connect but it starts with the one person with the desire and heart to take that first step. It is not an easy journey but incredibly rewarding because we, as the Spirit that connects with you, even minutely, celebrate you and your efforts to acknowledge your family. This is your Universal family because there are so many. A fan base always feels extremely honored when acknowledged by the one they root for. (winks) You have a very big fan base. You are loved. (I’m just going to add that while he was saying these things, the amount of adoration that was coming through filled me. It was pure. Wow. There’s a lot of beautiful energy surrounding you.)

 

K: So how does one go about making more of a direct connection?

 

P: Everyone has it. To add to what Simon’s saying, it’s kind of like getting out of that mode of learned behavior and start practicing instinctual behavior. Everyone has the ability. More and more are discovering these wild things and they are wild. We’ve just been dumbed down by distraction. Get that alone time happening. It’s okay to be alone sometimes. Get to enjoy that. Pretty soon you’ll discover that you’re not really alone. That isn’t to cause any ghostly fears or anything. It’s just…how can we (Spirit) leave alone the people that mean so much to us when the ability to stay connected is right there. It’s a situation of just grabbing it. We (Spirit) can’t make that happen. It’s a choice right? It goes back to what I was saying earlier; there’s life and there’s death and then there’s what we were taught happens and what really happens. There’s truth in all of it because it is really based on what you believe but then there’s that moment where it all happens. (brings his hands together and holds them tight) Nothing’s been lost. To connect with that is pretty amazing. It’s pretty cool. For both sides.

 

K: Sometimes I get stuck on, especially when I first saw people coming through, if I was doing it right and I’m supposed to do it like this person and this course said I was supposed to connect in this way. Yadda yadda yadda. I’m leaving that open to anyone.

 

R: Under this umbrella that is called Spirituality, there is an air of judgement. Even in people that understand that there is no judgement, that we are in a judgement free zone, there is that. You know (stands) who gave you the right to talk to that guy and that’s not what that guy said to me so you’re a fake’. (acting like he’s a catty female or something) Under this umbrella the second guessing is (I just heard an elephant) that elephant in the room that no one talks about but it’s so big that not everyone feels they can compete under that same roof. Thing is though, it’s not a competition so whoever and whenever a person feels that they have this thing inside of them that is bigger than what they were taught, it’s okay to express it. Express it. To compare, in my earlier career I had my angst but I stuffed them because people wanted me this way. ‘Make ‘em laugh.’ They said. It wasn’t until I was older that I realized I didn’t want to just express laughter; that there were darker aspects of me that wanted to come out too. I explored that in my work and I allowed those parts of me to come out in my work. I was choking on what I couldn’t express until I made the choice to fuck it…excuse me…

 

K: No problem.

 

R: Not give a damn; a rat’s ass about what another wanted from me. It was now what I wanted for myself and what I wanted to explore with myself. It sometimes made people uncomfortable because they weren’t used to seeing me in that kind of role. I wasn’t used to it. But it gave me freedom. (mimics the Genie in Aladdin)’Oh to be free.’ So I would say to those, under the umbrella, if you feel like expressing something that is out of the norm or uncomfortable, then it’s time because it’s that cry to free it. Take my example with you. Everyone’s going to have an opinion. What matters is yours to You and what you want to experience with this life that You are living. If there is a connection that you are experiencing, share it. I guarantee there will be more supporters than critics. I had a lot of support when I stepped into new roles that were different because I was able to step into the unknown and learn a lot along the way.

 

 

After this, I took a break and went to vent to my buddy Kelsey about some stuff and came back to the table feeling much better. I didn’t want to carry that stuff into this conversation for you guys so cheers for Kelsey.

 

 

P: Better huh.

 

K: Much better thank you.

 

P: She’s the best. I gotta say. Givin’ it to Kelsey right now.

 

K: I’ m sure she’ll appreciate that.

 

 

Big sigh from moi.

 

 

K: Okay. Where were we? Just to be fair, this whole time is an illusion thing or not existent is so true in this circumstance because I’ve been getting answers to these question since they started rolling in so just putting it out there to those that read this, this message is a culmination of all of that. Business out of the way.

 

S: Yes, time does not concern these types of things because the information is available at any time. You just, simply, take when the timing is good for you. Some information will come at the most confusing times. You walk your dog, others read a book, and yet others hear it just before they drift off to sleep. It’s individual. It’s the way it works.

 

K: Yes. Thank you. I’m going to skip around seeing as time has no real order so neither do the questions. You guys pick the questions.

 

S: Sounds good. I will look over the list. (Looks over the list with me and points out a question) I believe the question of, ‘If Spirit is with someone in conversation, are they able to be with loved ones at the same time?’ Was answered by Anton. When you pass from this earth to the next, you rejoin the All That Is you and so this is an omnipresent energy. One that can be in many places and with many people at the same time. Yes?

 

K: I think so. When they read this, they may come with more.

 

 

(Simon has a sneaky grin)

 

 

S: Yes, they will. ‘As a spiritual being, is knowledge and memory specific to the spirit and what they’ve experienced on earth, or is it a collective or unified source? Can they access any memory or experience (for instance an experience that someone else had)? And yet, we are still our own being.

 

K: What does that mean?

 

S: Yes, we rejoin the Oneness that is the Source but we still retain our identity as a Soul; as a Spirit. I wouldn’t say I’m the same as any of the others that are present with us at this time nor would they say that about me. To step into the memory of another’s is a simple absorption of information. It is not a collective memory but we, in spirit are still able to absorb those experiences in a way of communication with another. We are not separate here but we do find groups of souls that resonate more with our energy. Does it mean that we stay away from those that are different or have very different experiences than us? No. All is love. We choose to connect with those that choose to connect with us. It is a vibration. I would like to say that even through my lifetimes, I have kept my own personality. Although through lifetimes that has changed, due to the work that I have done in realms and lives, I have maintained me.

 

A: I don’t necessarily think that we maintain our labels. We do have a spirit that gains with each new experience. But that just makes us grow. It doesn’t put more labels on us and let’s say, I choose to sit down with Simon here, I’m not going to know, automatically, everything that he’s done but when allowed, I can absorb that and see that but it still wasn’t my experience. It was his. I guess it’s a shared knowledge of sorts?

 

S: Yes. A shared knowledge.

 

P: It’s like, I wouldn’t go up to some guy and demand intel on everything that has happened in their lives or who they were because we have some sort of spiritual right to that. But if I meet someone and we click, right, we can share our individual experiences and learn in that respect. It also gives this…like some guy tells me what he’s done and it clicks with me, you know. Then, if I wanted another existence wherever I could choose to try that similar experience, I could choose that. It wouldn’t be the same but it would be similar and it would all be for, growing, I guess.

 

K: So it’s not like a sit down and have a beer moment it’s more like here’s the hat I wore, if you want to know about it put the hat on and just know? That’s the best I got.

 

 

(I hear laughter)

 

 

S: It can be both.

 

K: Oh boy.

 

P: ‘How does Spirit experience channels with you? (You’ve shared what it is like for you…how is it like for them?) Do they find it difficult to give you images, feelings, words, etc. that you will be able to understand and process into words?’ Kim can be a grump and stubborn as hell.

 

K: Thanks for that. Really. I appreciate that.

 

R: I walked with her for days before she gave me an in. That was early on but I had to speak louder.

 

K: Yeah. I heard you right in my ear and you were walking right beside me.

 

P: With Kim, she needs her space. She needs time to collect whatever is happening around her and so there’s an image I put myself in and she sees me sitting there. I give her a porch and when she’s ready, we’ll sit on the porch. The light is usually on. For me, I just sit and wait in that situation that she’ll recognize.

 

R: Yeah. I mean, with some, it’s an instant thing. ‘Come to me! Come hither!’ With others, it’s a gentle intro. (he’s showing me a rabbit). If you come out and…(spreads his arms and puffs out his chest) ‘World look at me now. Watch out. I have arrived.’ They’d chicken out. The people who’ve been doing it a long time will be open to that. With others, a curtain just comes down. ‘BAM’ and that’s the end of that. (wipes hands together as if cleaning them.) Shows over. Move along.

 

A: I tend to just rely on an open connection. I tend to just look for an opening but usually I’ll get a call. Like my name or something. (He’s showing me a cell phone with a text message) then it’s like, okay. Looks good. I gotta take this.

 

S: Continuous stream from home. My energy is quite strong and we work very closely together. But I am polite…

 

R: Very proper. Tea? (sipping tea from china)

 

S: In all honesty, rarely does she say no. She has boundaries and we, in Spirit, must respect those boundaries but again, an exchange of energy isn’t timed. It is a spark of opportunity and an invitation. To us, waiting is but a blink. When she is alone, we have conversation, an exchange of…you call it claircognizance but it is a way of communication, one that is used very frequently here. Pictures as metaphors, yes? She does see movies on her screen which is the third eye. This is where most of her work is done. Kimberly is a writer. This is her strength. So, in your world, this is texting. It is nothing for Spirit to interrupt her work, take her fingers and write a note. As you can see, there are many ways we may approach this. It’s up to her to accept and work with it. I believe this ties into the next question about differences in connecting, approaching and understanding. I will leave it there. I will add that it is a merging of human and Spirit; a download of sorts.

 

P: Some connections are personal. They are private. (Pauses for a second) Get your heads out of the gutter people. But yeah, some of that is between Spirit and human.

 

K: Yes. Absolutely. There’s just some things that people couldn’t understand and I keep that very personal.

 

P: And that’s a choice. A good one. It’s having those boundaries in place and knowing yourself well enough to do that.

 

K: What is the best way to connect with our higher Selves in order to really tune into that knowing and guidance? To feel the right direction to go in life?

 

S: I believe the answer is in the question, is it not?

 

K: I do believe you’re right.

 

S: It is a feeling. To each is individual as the person. Take for example, a quiet moment of reflection. Whether it be walking or being still before retiring for the night. Gazing up at the sky, connecting with the stars or sun. Calling in your Higher Self at those times…you will feel a feeling of love and acceptance that will make some weep. Some will laugh. Some will inhale a big breath. Some will simply experience serenity and peace. These are all signs that a person is connecting. It is not with a mind that is racing and intently looking for signs in everything. It is in the stillness. Be still. Invite. Feel. Listen. You cannot miss it because it is you on a tremendous level. Be still. It takes practice to connect in these ways. It is never above, beside or in front of you. It is within. Be still. There is no special recipe. There is no rhetoric. There is no ceremony. It is you with you.

 

 

As he’s saying these things I’m tingling and expanding everywhere.

 

 

K: Is the Higher Self the connection?

 

S: It is the bridge. It is a constant stream, one that is beautifully orchestrated. Picture yourself pouring light from a bucket, if you will, down to your crown as a human. This is the connection. This is the bridge. But it is not separate. It is only the human mind that separates it. Love is not fragmented. It never has been. It can only be recognized in its fullness as It Is.

 

K: Roger, you’ve been here so quiet. Sharon had a question for you that came up in your channel. Are you up for it?

 

RR: Hey, I’m up for it. I’m up for anything. Shoot.

 

K: You had said you drive on open highways. I’m sure that’s not all you do but as an example she would like to know, how does that work?

 

RR: (sits still and is just looking at me) And there it is.

 

K: What?

 

RR: I just think of it. How I live is driven (ha ha) by my thought. They were talking earlier about vibration. Yeah. Thought is vibration. There are some that come here and want to do which is cool. You don’t have to do. Just thinking about it will create it or thinking of someone will bring them. (brings his hands to his chest) but some people, you know, they need that satisfaction of building something on their own and creating it on their own. It’s still using thought but having that need to do the work. It’s cool. Everyone has their own way of doing things.

 

K: Too simplistic but I’ve heard that kind of thing before. I don’t think we, here, have any idea how simple it can be because well, a lot of us have to work our asses off to create or build something. Just to be told that a thought can make it real is a little big. It would be awesome but it’s one of those super hero gifts that we only dream of. I shouldn’t say we. I’m speaking for myself here. I guess on that note, what do you do in your spare time? What does a day look like to you?

 

P: My day starts with whatever is going on with, you know, family and friends or things that are a part of me on earth right. Like, if someone is needing me I’ll go to them. The mornings, when people are just starting to wake up or the night, when they’re just starting to go to sleep is the perfect time for me to visit. So the day is kind of governed by what’s happening with my memory there. I don’t know, I just experience. I like to meet others, travel a little. I like to connect with people I’ve known for a really long time. I like to look into…I like introspection. I never found myself to be a deep thinker. Maybe I was sometimes but it’s amazing what you learn about yourself from here.

 

K: Is there a job or something that you have to do?

 

A: No. Not really. I mean, on earth, you find a job, you get paid. It may not be what you want to do but it pays the bills. When you’re here…for me, I automatically gravitated to what I wanted to do based on who I AM. Not what I need to do but what I ultimately want to do. For me, I like exploring. I like to see things and experience other…bear with me now…worlds. Planets. I showed you one of my favorites. Cool right?

 

It was very cool. He showed me place that wave very lush and green. A combination of jungle and forest. Beautiful flowers and just…really amazingly colorful and vibrant. Then, there were these beings that are humanoid but they were actually part of the nature. Like faces and bodies in plants would walk out of the plant and look human-like but were of the nature. I’ve attached pics as an example only. It can’t really compare.

 

 

A: The whole earthly experience, the whole human experience is one of these…it’s a very coveted role to play. That is where the doing takes place. That’s the experience we choose to work at and to grow and learn. It’s one role with many experiences within it. Here, I took it with me, yeah, but there are the times where I ask myself here, ‘what could I do today’ and I just do it. There’s nothing to it. I just do. I guess I would say that nothing stands in my way of what I want; what it is that I desire, so to speak.

 

RR: Living with the living…that’s the work. Here, it’s chill out time. (Shows a hammock)

 

K: Okay. So saying that, and experiencing what you do there…do they have any thoughts or emotions related to leaving their families and loved ones behind? Like regret, sadness, etc. Or are those just part of the human ego?

 

P: How could I miss something that I’m constantly with? I’m not separate from anyone that I’ve left. But yeah, I mean, I miss the physicality of it. The touch. The senses. We’re not physical here so it’s a very different life than the one we left. I miss that hug, that kiss, that feel. It’s not from a place of sadness here, though. You can experience those feelings. Sadness and regret but you can’t hold onto it because…you just can’t. Some do. Some really make that effort but for me, it’s like something stops it because I just know…better. Regret? No. Maybe things I could have done differently but I don’t sit and regret. I know that my life was how it was meant to be even with all the ups and downs.

 

R: I don’t regret anything that was part of my journey. But, it is really hard to see that when you’re living it because we’re living it from…a narrower point of view. I have more fun. It’s easier. I’m not living in a world of contrast. I don’t live with a big bully ego because I don’t have to. There’s no (showing me an angel and a devil on the shoulders)…there isn’t any of that anymore. I don’t have to contend with a Jekyll and Hyde because I’m all Jekyll.

 

K: Makes total sense. Simon? Next one I think…

 

S: Yes. Are spirit guides/our higher selves only ‘allowed’ to give us certain information, only when we are ready to receive it? Are there restrictions around the info that Simon can share with you or would he answer anything you asked him? The short answer is yes.

 

K: But…

 

S: But… I will only speak for our relationship. Is this fair?

 

K: Yes.

 

S: When a person first steps their feet into the world of self-discovery and Spirituality, they feel that all information will be brought to them accordingly. And while this is true, it is very important to distinguish what is needed and what is wanted. People want to hear all good things; nothing with problems. Being psychic should mean that one would know everything and be able to tell the future for them and others without doing the work; to find an easier way or short cuts. This is want. For the human experience, it is a need to know and this can be very frustrating for some because there will be that temper tantrum of, ‘well that’s not what I wanted to hear. This is all bullshit and I’m out because it’s all crap.’

 

K: You swore!

 

S: I did. It is simply language to get the point across. You have had those moments. And you took a long break after them. It is the expectation versus the reality. Now, if you are speaking to me about yourself or others and I step back, you know I will not go into further detail because it is not the time or the alignment with the information would not be there thus creating frustration, disbelief and confusion. A person has come to earth for the experience of it which means that we, as guides, cannot take the steering wheel. It is a free will environment. It is one of choice. We cannot intervene. You do not come to a job and rely on another to do the work. You took the job to do the work but there are people that guide you. Yes, you have chosen a path but you also have chosen to have many different people in your life that have their own paths. While the destination was mapped out, the actual travel will have detours. If you choose another path along the way, this is your choice. We work with you on all levels and on all paths. We cannot, fairly, give prediction or future outcomes because the future does not exist on earth. There are too many variables. What we can do, and you’ve heard this before, is give the potentials. It is up to you to listen or feel for those. We do not desire to offer fantasy based on wants and desires. It may be that you chose riches but to obtain those you also chose the paths on how to get them. Those paths can be re-routed though, through choice. We are guides. We can suggest. It is hard to perceive these suggestions with the static of this planet of duality. We will always answer but your openness to understand those answers is ultimately up to you. If one is not ready for information, they will stumble on the question. Like a child taking its first steps, it is not ready to walk quite yet. We cannot walk or run for you but we can hold your hand.

 

K: Again, tying into your answer, Sharon and Chuck would like to know a little more about free choice, free will, destiny, fate, synchronicity choosing a life path before coming to earth. They think it’s a little contradictory. Is free choice the little decisions that will ultimately lead you to your destination that you chose? Is the destination basically the same?

 

S: There are contracts that certain individuals come to play out together. Whether it be in little ways or larger ways is the decision of those souls that wish to play those parts. However, when getting here (Earth), that information is not known. Synchronicities are indicators of following your true path; the one you decided to travel on when you got here. Yes, people, places and things seemingly take you away from what you believe you are meant to do but do they really? Everything is by divine choice even when it seems it’s mimicking chance. Regret comes from shoulds and shouldn’ts. A destination can change. That is for you to decide when you arrive here. There is value in any destination. People tend to get fixed on a destination and what those turn of events are really for when it could be just because. Destiney does not stop with one life time. Those destined to be in your life are those you have made the agreements with before you arrived. The compass is never fixed and that is the beauty of Destiney. Stars collide and break off, flying in different directions. You are of the stars. Those looking for their higher purpose or what they are meant to do are looking only at a fixed outcome. One has free will. But so does another. These are not always in line with each other. This is personality. Your free choice dictates your path which can lead to another’s free choice. To continue together on a journey or continue alone is, again, choice. It can take you in different directions. One may lead to something that was never intended but rewarding just the same. There are many paths that are meant to be. A compass is never fixed. Expand these sayings (free choice, free will, destiny, fate, synchronicity) for they are the compass and a compass is never fixed.

 

 

I had to take a break after this one because this was a lot to translate and I hope that I did it okay. Because I’m seeing it, I can understand where he’s coming from but it’s a lot.

 

 

RR: Damn…

 

K: So I guess to tap into that compass is where…I guess that alone time, meditation, contemplation comes in a little?

 

S: Yes. It is a chance to connect with your high heart, your higher self and your guides. Contemplation? Yes but be careful of that running hamster wheel.

 

K: Moving forward. Does a galaxy have an energetic consciousness?

 

S: Yes.

 

K: Does it come from humanity?

 

S: Has humanity discovered their consciousness?

 

K: Oh crap.

 

S: Flip it. We’ve been discussing that Higher Self. That one with all. That One is consciousness; the Source of all there is. Humanity has the capability of igniting the consciousness within themselves and assisting others but it is the Source, the Oneness of All. All that is that is God. I overheard the question about their being different Gods for different galaxies, different dimensions and so forth. God is One. Everything that is, was and will be has been born of the One Source. How fascinating that we can all keep our individualism but still be from the One Source. Think of how big that is. It dwells within and dwells outside. It is in all life where ever and whenever (winks) that is. God is Love. Love is infinite but spills over into all. There is one consciousness which feeds all. The tree, the branch, the twig, the leaf and all that space that is in between. It is a simple answer but Love is simple because it is. I will leave it there for thought. (shows me dropping a mic)

 

P: You okay there Kim? Hanging in?

 

K: pppfffftt. Onward.

 

S: Yes. Be aware of how you’re doing, Sweetheart.

 

K: I think the other questions tie into each other. Don’t worry. I’m good.

 

RR: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I gotta meet this guy…Chuck? Dude is a thinker. We have to get together.

 

A: He’s been around the block a few times. (Anton shows me an old philosopher? A thinking man; a ponderer.)

 

K: How does memory work from the other side? How is it that we take experiences and memories with us and add it to those of previous lives?

 

S: I have been waiting to do this one as it is going to be in images and metaphors. This is the way it will settle within and bring answers. I would like to take Sharon on a journey. One that starts in a place that is well known and brings enjoyment because joy is life.

 

K: And where are we going?

 

S: We are going to an amusement park.

 

RR: I’m in.

 

R: This screams Disney World.

 

S: Shall we?

 

 

I’m at the entrance of an amusement park. It’s the evening and the lights are on. There’s lots of activity. People have smiles on their faces. A couple just walked by me with the woman holding cotton candy. It’s literally the perfect night. He’s leading me to a small building. It’s a house and on the front it says House of Mirrors.

 

 

S: Everything is a reflection. Let’s work with this.

 

 

He opens the door and steps inside. I see Sharon and Simon. There are a few others here and there coming and going. The crowd gets bigger and smaller and Simon and Sharon move around the room looking at different mirrors and their reflections.

 

 

S: These are lives. Look how different you look and yet You, the Spirit that is Sharon, is the same. The outside is different but the inside is the same. In all the mirrors. As you walk from one to the next the only thing that changes is your reflection.

 

 

Continuing to walk there’s a lot of mirrors. Some of the images are grotesque some are beautiful. Some attractive, some odd.

 

 

S: No matter the appearance the essence is still the same.

 

 

He then takes Sharon to a mirror where she appears how she is now. Simultaneously, the room kind of morphs, and all the mirrors with her reflection join the one she is looking into now. So as it comes together she’s standing, looking at her reflection and the image changes again where it’s a reflection in a reflection in a reflection and continues on and on and on infinitely.

 

 

S: Now, let’s go deeper.

 

 

He takes me into the body; to the cellular level and to the DNA. He shows me the pineal gland and the aura and/or Merkaba.

 

 

S: Every reflection is within. It is held in the DNA. It is held in your cells. It is held there because, as with all lifetimes, it comes again to shape who you are and what you bring into this life. The image of your infinity is within you, the pineal; that which you call the third eye is the reflections you see, the house of mirrors encompasses all of that within your energy field.(Merkaba) Memory is held within each reflection you viewed. As you viewed your reflections around the room as you are now, you see how different the outside was but the You is the same. Everything that was, is and will be is within you; deep within. And this life will just be another reflection in the infinite reflection of You.

 

K: So how does that involve the people that you interact with in each life?

 

S: Sharon is never alone in the house of mirrors. Some will stay and wonder at reflections just as long as Sharon has. Others will think it boring and leave soon. Others will step in, take one look and step out because it is not for them. These are all examples of relationships. The mirrors have captured those within them as well as your own and thus, Sharon has carried them as well. Every once in a while a light will reflect on an image from the past. This is then highlighted in the situations of now.

 

K: So then the question of how long does a Spirit remain with their identity of their most recent life…?

 

S: Always. It will forever be entwined with whoever and whenever they decide to be next. One does not live a life to leave it and pretend it didn’t happen. It is a fingerprint of a very large hand. (grinning)

 

K: Do Spirits travel across the Universe and experience other dimensions? Do they live ‘lives’ in other dimensions simultaneously?

 

S: Again, there is no separation from the Higher Self. It is a fractal of the One existence. I will leave it there.

 

 

Someone’s rubbing my back. There’s tingles all over my back. I’m pooping out so I’m going to wrap this up soon.

 

 

K: Quickly, does Simon or any of you know the same things as Kryon?

 

S: Short answer is no. We all have our individual purpose, even in the Oneness that is all. Although I wouldn’t know exactly what the group Kryon knows, it is an absorption. As you would say it, it is wearing another’s hat. I’m constantly learning from experience, from different beings. Although grand, we all have our own purpose. The basis of this is Love.

 

K: Did mankind destroy the dinosaurs?

 

R: I, actually, destroyed the dinosaurs.

 

 

All I hear is laughter.

 

 

R: Crazy question. It’s nice to end on a crazy note.

 

K: Hey, we could have.

 

 

I’m being shown shifts in earth almost like polar shifts? Crazy environmental action on a global scale. It was also a process and not all at once. Phases.

 

 

K: Last but not least and I’m pretty much not looking forward to this one only because of what Roger did when he first saw it.

 

RR: That was funny.

 

K: It was mortifying.

 

RR: Oh come on. You laughed. How mortifying could it have been?

 

K: Because I felt like I was intruding in some way. Did you get an answer?

 

RR: Tell them what happened?

 

K: I was reading the question. Roger smiles, leans back in his chair and calls over his shoulder…and I’m not even kidding… “Hey, yo Elvis! (sounded like Al-vahs) You dead?” I couldn’t believe that happened. I wasn’t expecting it.

 

RR: And then….?

 

K: I heard in my left ear, ‘Yes ma’am.’

 

 

Laughter and clapping.

 

 

RR: I love it.

 

K: Okay. I’m done. I just want to say thank you guys for showing up. I’m glad I did this but I’m also glad I’ve come to the end. Thank you so much. I hope that for everyone that reads this, you’ll support them in that. Thank you thank you thank you. I guess you guys came forth because people still love and adore you. I will just let this message fall where it may.

 

R: We’ll do it again.

 

A: This was great. Thanks for including me.

 

K: Bye guys.

 

I literally felt hugs; nice big shivers and I’m sending them back to you, the reader. The energy of this will stay with me. I have no doubt of that. Now I need wine. ;0)

 

The end….or

 

I’m feeling it may be a beginning…?

 

 

 

 

Conversations with Michael Jackson

 

September 18, 2016

 

 

I never know how to introduce these things and I’m always a little nervous about what to say about them when Spirit comes in and talks for a while. How do you introduce this guy? This has been lingering for a long long time. I would say months. I often wondered what it would be like to talk to Michael Jackson. Now I know. I was nervous then he was nervous and we played this back and forth game of nervous getting to know each other. Then, when he came through fully I got this sense of childlike energy. It was a little surprising but kind of not. I got the sense that he never fully grew up and I asked him about that. I asked some tough questions, stuff that I only heard about but never really paid attention to and I took the opportunity because I was curious to see how he would answer. I didn’t want details because I don’t ask that of Spirit. I never pry and he was as honest as I asked him to be. Here is the incredible Michael Jackson.

 

 

M: Wow. This is really something.

 

K: What do you mean?

 

M: To have a person give their time to something like this…it’s really something.

 

K: I’m sure I’m not the first to talk with you.

 

M: No but every experience is something special because it’s always different. It’s never the same. I only hope that someone willing to see me is also willing to grab hold and engage in some way.

 

K: I will always do these things when everything lines up and it works out. There’s always a little bit of nerves though.

 

M: Why?

 

K: (groaning) I don’t want to insult you or anyone but there’s a lot of questions about you. I don’t want to come off as insinuating or anything.

 

M: I understand. I shy away from certain things, things that I was uncomfortable with and others were uncomfortable with because…well…it’s a part of me that will always be questionable in people’s minds.

 

K: When I feel your presence, it feels very child-like. There’s this naive-ness? If that’s what you call it but I also want to say ignorance. Almost as if you knew things were going on around you but you chose to look away because you didn’t want to see or know.

 

M: I think as Michael, I kept myself pretty naïve. And yes, there were things that I purposely stayed ignorant to as well.

 

K: When we were walking today, I heard you say that you never allowed yourself to grow up. Can you explain that?

 

M: I feared that I would end up like every other grown up around me. I never really understood the idea of self-empowerment because I gave that away, believing that it (power) would make me into someone I didn’t like.

 

K: Did you like yourself as the child in a man’s body you seemed to be?

 

M: I wanted to.

 

 

He shows me a young man, maybe 10 – 12 that is stuck in limbo.

 

 

M: It was a big world. I got scared of it sometimes.

 

K: When did you feel secure in this world?

 

M: When I was with my children. When I was with children, I felt secure because I felt like I was understood and loved and I understood and loved them.

 

K: Could you relate to being an adult at all?

 

M: Of course. I was a grown man. I had to man up, so they say, many many times but there were times, that within me, being a man meant being that control, patriarchal man’s man and when I couldn’t reach those standards that I had set up in my own head, I felt like a letdown and embarrassed. After I needed to grow up is when I went and hid away, afraid of something that I couldn’t face about me.

 

K: Let’s start at the beginning then. You were a boy when you started to perform. Did you like performing then?

 

M: I did very much. I liked being with my brothers in that way. I really liked being that cute one. It’s when we began to grow up and mature that I felt different. I didn’t grow into a man like my brothers. I was awkward. I was the ugly duck and it was really hard to look at myself in the mirror and like what I saw when I constantly compared myself to the men that my brothers were turning into.

 

K: Did your father give you a hard time about it?

 

M: My father was the man’s man I couldn’t find, in me, to be.

 

 

Tells me the word dictator in my ear.

 

 

K: Did you fear your father?

 

M: I did fear my father. He could rage if something went wrong or we didn’t perform in a way that he ultimately wanted us to. In his mind, I’m sure he had things timed and appearing in perfection. We became a business.

 

K: Did you feel loved by your father?

 

M: (waits a beat) No. I didn’t feel love from my father. I felt love from my mother but even her love could only be given, really, in private moments.

 

K: Was he always part of your career?

 

M: No. When I went on my own is when I walked away from the career I grew up with and into the one that was my own.

 

K: Did you feel you needed to protect your dad?

 

M: I felt like protecting my dad would protect my family so I kept that stuff very private.

 

K: There was a lot you kept private. Do you think that it was a good thing to keep your…I guess…suffering away from the spotlight? Did you feel you had a duty to keep an image of Michael Jackson a certain way and then be a different way in private?

 

M: My happiness became contingent on my outward appearance and what people thought. It started with my dad; my brothers and then moved to a bigger audience. I was excellent at hiding my pain which, I think, ultimately kept me very innocent…very immature to the way life really was.

 

K: Do you feel like you kept up with the times?

 

M: I had people to do that for me.

 

K: You are so respected in the music industry. You brought a real innocence to the scarecrow character in that adaptation of the Wizard of Oz. Tell me about that. Was that on purpose?

 

M: I could relate to the Scarecrow. I think everyone can relate to that character in some ways but thinking for myself…I guess that’s where you feel the ignorance. At that time, I feel I was more naïve.

 

K: How did you feel working with so many outstanding artists because you, yourself, were so outstanding as a performer.

 

M: It really was…like, I would find out that I was asked to be a part of something and every time it was a surprise. Like, ‘who me?’ I didn’t believe in myself enough to consider that yeah, people respect me. I knew it but because of my disbelief in myself, I couldn’t believe it was happening.

 

K: How did you feel performing in front of thousands? You looked like you really enjoyed yourself.

 

 

He’s showing me a concert

 

 

M: It was where I felt the most comfortable because, early on, I was doing what I loved and people loved what I was doing. I guess it fed me but instead of the love…the truest love it was a bit ego driven. I just couldn’t believe, sometimes, that it was me. I could live outside of myself and that part of myself that was watching told me it was all a dream. It wasn’t real. It wouldn’t last. My joy of performing wouldn’t last.

 

K: Did you allow yourself to listen to that voice?

 

M: I would let my insecurities have the floor maybe a little more than I should have.

 

K: I loved you. I remember waiting up to see you perform on the television; I think it was the Grammys. I was 7. The album was Thriller and I took that album and put it under my pillow. You were loved by so many people and it didn’t look as though you had any doubts or fears about your successes.

 

M: (smiles) Thank you. Those were the high times in my life. I really enjoyed those times.

 

K: Tell me about Pepsi.

 

M: A horrible accident that left an already fragile man even more broken.

 

K: What do you mean?

 

M: I struggled with my appearance immensely. To be burned on top of that…it was one of those moments that changed me.

 

K: Downhill a little?

 

M: A lot.

 

K: How so?

 

M: It’s hard to admit, even now, and it’s not something that I could admit when alive. I convinced myself that I needed pain killers to numb the pain. At first it was physical pain but it soon turned into a different pain that I wanted to keep…I guess I just wanted to keep that buried. I found myself looking around and being very blessed with my talents and being able to create and meeting so many terrific people and, to feel anything but was something I didn’t want to look at. The medication for pain was easy for me to get. I just made a call. But, you know how it is, it just created that cycle.

 

K: Did anyone show concern about your addiction to medication?

 

M: It wasn’t something that I did in front of anyone. I was very private and even with those that worked for me or joined me on a tour…I kept that very private. There was a lot of suspicion but I had others around me that would excuse me. That was their job; to make polite excuses.

 

K: You had plastic surgery and stuff…I think?

 

M: Yes.

 

K: You also had a skin condition that…what did it do. White or lighter patches on your skin?

 

M: Yes.

 

K: Forgetting about the details of that, people were confused as to who you identified as. So, did you identify as a white man or a black man?

 

M: I didn’t identify with black or white. I identified with the fact that I was a human being. I was a human being.

 

K: You had a great friendship with Elizabeth Taylor? People said you were trying to look like her? Rumor. I know.

 

M: (chuckles) She…she loved me. Whatever I was going through, however I was feeling she loved me. I never met a more gracious, wonderful woman. I didn’t have to hide with her. She would tell me, ‘Michael, you have to stop. I can help you.’ She always knew and I would get so mad at her for calling me out on my behavior. She was this mother to me. She was a dear friend and still is. You meet these people in your life that you don’t realize how far you go back or why you know them. They’re like, your personal lifesaver. She was mine. Even if I couldn’t see her in person, I would call her. She was my emergency call.

 

K: I can feel how much you adored her.

 

M: There are some people that can just make it right. Even if you don’t like what they tell you, deep down, you know they know you so well that you can’t really argue and it makes you even more frustrated. She was a rock. She would let you use her as a sounding board but then, when she had enough, that was enough and it would be her turn to talk. You would have no choice but to listen.

 

K: So you identified with being a human being. Was that the message that you were trying to spread in your later work. Or, sort of like, the injustice done in the world?

 

M: I saw. I knew. I knew how I was feeling and I saw how the world was going, you know. Even if I couldn’t be uplifting to me, I wanted to be uplifting to others.

 

K: I loved the ‘Free Willy’ song. Bought that soundtrack from the States just to have that song. I paid American coin to have that song.

 

M: (smiles gratefully) Thank you.

 

K: So, as a lot of artists do, did you put how you were feeling into your songs as kind of a therapy. Was it cathartic for you.

 

M: It was the only way I had a voice because it was in a song and no one would really question it because it was a song. They would find themselves in the song but, back then, reading into a song and thinking that it was the artists torment…people didn’t think like that.

 

K: But if someone were to ask you how you were feeling, would you have been honest?

 

M: (shakes head) Not always.

 

K: You wore sunglasses a lot. Was that to hide your appearance when you needed to be seen in public or something else?

 

M: (grinning) Nothing gets past you.

 

K: Well, I mean, I kind of had a feeling.

 

M: I’d tell you the lights were bright but I don’t think you’d believe me.

 

K: For the sake of making you happy, Michael, I totally believe 100% that it was the lights.

 

M: Good. I pulled something off.

 

K: Is it the same reason why you hid your children’s faces?

 

M: I hid my children’s faces because I did not want their identity to be seen. I wanted to protect them as much as possible.

 

K: And in doing so, do you think they missed out on that ‘normal’ childhood.

 

M: Yes. I think that their identity was mine. Hidden. And I think after my death, they struggled to find who they were without me. It has been a struggle. And they need to do the steps that they need to do to understand who they are. They have a lot of support. I think the family that is around them now understands that they need a normalcy in their lives that I couldn’t provide. As hard as I tried, how could it ever be a ‘normal’ upbringing? It was normal for them because it was what they knew. After my death, there were drastic changes that they needed to come to terms with and it hasn’t been easy for them and I support them as much as I can from here.

 

K: You loved them.

 

M: It was the first time, in my whole life, that I felt and received true love.

 

K: I’m going to go down an uncomfortable path. Sexuality and I know you know this is leading somewhere.

 

M: Yes.

 

K: I’m not here as a reporter which I told Cory when he came to me but I just have to ask, the wives? Was it real and true? Were you gay? Were you straight?

 

M: Just like the question did I feel more black or more white. I guess it would be the same answer. I was attracted to both. But I struggled with those feelings because I couldn’t admit that to myself. I always told myself it wouldn’t be accepted. I wouldn’t be accepted if I were gay or if I told people that I found beauty in both sexes. Those relationships were never explained to me. I never got taught about physical attraction. I was taught should and shouldn’t.

 

K: You were accused of being a child molester. I’m not getting into the nitty gritty of it but you had friendships with children. You had a giant playground built. Can you give me a little insight on those things?

 

M: Children couldn’t hurt me. They didn’t break my heart. Their innocence was what I tried so desperately to keep. Children are curious. I never had open discussions or was taught about sexuality or physical attraction. In those moments…yeah…this is hard. (pauses) I was curious as a child would be and it could be inappropriate at times and when called out, I took personal responsibility.

 

K: So you’re claiming you didn’t know any better. That you weren’t out to get kids on purpose like the witch in a candy house.

 

M: No. I never intended to hurt a child. I could never intentionally hurt a child because that would be putting a child in the position that I had been in my whole life.

 

 

[_My chest is burning because my heart is literally crumbling. The sadness is overwhelming. _]

 

 

K: Was it safer for you to stay…I guess…immature?

 

M: I didn’t know another way.

 

K: You didn’t have a healthy relationship with your dad. So, at the time you went your own way, didn’t you take back your power in some form?

 

M: For a little bit but, because my strength of character and individualism as a man was never supported, I handed it to other people. I wanted to be taken care of. I allowed others to take care of me.

 

K: Did you seek help for your addictions? Did you seek help for your insomnia?

 

M: I thought I did. I lacked so much self-esteem that I put my full trust in people and in turn they thought they had won the jackpot so to speak.

 

K: Did you know your personal physician, Conrad Murray, was playing the strings? Manipulating things?

 

M: No. But I didn’t think anything of it because I believed he knew what he was doing. I think he honestly wanted the best for me. He had trouble saying no to my demands and I couldn’t say no to his help. I believed he was keeping me alive. I was so tired. I lived for my children. I had life with my children. When business came into my life, if I had to have a meeting or an interview…I was so tired.

 

K: So why did you want a comeback tour?

 

M: I missed who I was when I was performing. I wanted to feel that again because I became so numb that I thought it would bring me back to life. I wanted my kids to see it live instead of on a screen. I wanted to show them that their dad could do something, that he was part of something really special. They would see me perform here and there but I didn’t want them to remember a frail old man. I didn’t want to get old. I tried, desperately to hold onto a youth that I never got and I lived vicariously through my children. I wanted to give them something more of me.

 

K: You wanted them to experience your…I guess what you’re making me feel is a sense of freedom when you were on stage? Letting that little Michael Jackson dance, sing and enjoy it?

 

M: I thought that if I returned…I would experience joy again. My life as Michael Jackson was complex. Here I chose a life that I had been given every opportunity to really live a fulfilling existence but I chose that knowing that I would have struggles with identity as well. What a double edge sword. A painful childhood that I brought with me until I died.

 

K: Was it all painful. I’m sure there were happy times.

 

M: There were many happy times. My happy times were seeing the reactions of the fans. They never gave up on loving me and I knew that. I was happy seeing the effects of my music on the world. I was happy seeing others dancing as I had and using my creativity as an inspiration. I could never look at that and stay in a dark place. Those are the times that I experienced joy. My joy was their joy and theirs was mine. It was a beautiful circle. Before I died, I wanted to create happiness again.

 

K: Your death…

 

M: I felt no pain. I went to sleep.

 

K: Did you think, if you continued on the popping pills path, that it could come to that?

 

M: No. I thought I was helping myself get rest and get better emotionally. I heard that the doses were too high. I heard people talk because, by then, it wasn’t something I could hide. Conrad said that I was fine and I trusted him. My body was telling me differently. I was tired. I had pain and I relied on Conrad to help me with that pain so I could be a father…so I could go out as Michael Jackson and people would believe that I was okay and get excited because I was coming back.

 

K: The rehearsals?

 

M: Were hard. I took lots of breaks. I had been out of the game for a while and wanted to start again as I had when I was younger. Full out of the gate. I couldn’t keep up. I’ll admit that.

 

K: Did you ever forgive? Not just your father or your mother or your family or whoever took advantage but did you ever forgive yourself for whatever you felt you needed forgiveness for?

 

M: I knew there was a lot to forgive. I knew I needed closure with a lot of things and I got some of that. When I got here, and I understood my life in the only way you can here…that’s when I could forgive and that’s when I could give myself a pat on the back. In any situation that a person finds themselves in, life can be really hard and people have to be really brave.

 

K: What do you think is key in living on Earth? I mean, we could discuss being authentic or having integrity but what would you say about life as a human being?

 

M: I would say communicating with yourself. Not ignoring yourself but really asking yourself the tough questions and finding the answers that will ultimately provide you with your own happiness. Giving is giving until a person is left powerless is how many people decide to live. It’s not a selfish act to give to yourself in healthy ways and if a person doesn’t know what those ways are then there is always someone out there to reach out to and ask. Communicate your needs to yourself and when you know what they are, don’t be scared to communicate that to those that can help you.

 

K: Did your fame get in the way of you asking for help? Did you think you would appear weak?

 

M: In my case, I just didn’t trust and I didn’t want to feel hurt.

 

K: How are you feeling now?

 

M: I feel good. I don’t feel like my life was a tragedy in any way. I feel like I learned a lot. I feel like if I could repeat it…I feel like it was an important life to live.

 

K: You are a legacy. No one will ever forget you.

 

M: I will never forget them. Earth has touched me. Humanity has touched me in ways that…my experiences with every single person has shaped me into the love I feel right now. I know that with all my experiences, I have shared them in some way through my music and it makes me so peaceful and happy that it still does. I am so grateful for the opportunity to be heard, even if it’s through some speakers and I am so grateful that my presence continues to be validated when anyone turns on their radios or their stereos and hears me. I like to see the dancing and the vibrancy that my music still gives. It’s what I intended to do. I’m blessed that I’m still doing it in different ways.

 

K: I think you are amazing. I think you are a hero to many. I think that you have touched many lives and I believe that your life as Michael will never stop inspiring people. Thank you so much for sharing with me tonight. I just love you. I love your energy.

 

M: Thank you. I love yours. I love you.

 

K: I love you too and I mean that. Didn’t love the glove though. Not sure where that came from.

 

M: (laughs) Showbiz and gimmicks. I liked the bling.

 

K: I’m not surprised. Thank you so much. I will share your words.

 

M: Thank you. (blows me kisses) Thank you. Good night.

 

K: Bye.

 

As I’m correcting spelling, he’s all around me. I have shivers stacked on shivers. When you connect with him, the purity kind of chokes a person up and not because some of the memories are sad but because his essence is true love. It’s what he needed and wanted what he lived; what he strived to attain in some way and what he ultimately became.

 

 

 

Conversations with Edward J. Smith, Captain of the Titanic

 

September 19, 2016

 

 

Attention everyone. The Captain is present but at ease because he’s a really cool guy. From his pictures I assumed he’d be stuffy and he can be but he’s very nice and a treat to talk to. He came to me when my family and I were eating dinner and Mateo asked about the Titanic. It wasn’t even a second before he came in and we talked a bit that night. He told me things that shocked me. I wasn’t expecting them but they make sense to me. I sat with him this morning. It was friendly with no pretense. I’ve been lucky. I haven’t yet spoken with a dud. I’m not a fan of pulling teeth. So with no further ado, I introduce Captain Edward J. Smith. We sat and chatted about what else, the Titanic.

 

 

S: Well then. Very good. Good morning young lady. I see you are much better this morning. Thank you for meeting with me at this time.

 

K: It is a pleasure sir. I’m sorry that I haven’t been able to sit with you since you first appeared.

 

S: Appeared? Well, I’ve never looked at it that way. Appeared. As if an apparition is introducing itself.

 

K: Well, you sorta are.

 

S: It doesn’t feel that way though. It never has.

 

K: Being dead? Being Spirit?

 

S: Yes. Although I find myself in situations where I can be and do much more that previously ever attempted, I find that I am still very much myself. The physical me, I dare say, has not changed much.

 

K: Do you normally come in and visit when you hear someone speak of the Titanic.

 

S: Curiosity makes me curious as to why those are curious…still. It’s been many years since the death of that vessel and the souls on board. It intrigues me to know why people are drawn to it.

 

K: Are you serious?

 

S: Quite.

 

K: Maybe because it seemed, to us now, such a horrific experience.

 

S: Oh… (he leans forward getting comfortable in his chair.) It was that. Truly it was.

 

K: Why would you think people wouldn’t wonder about it?

 

S: Well, as graves get old and crumbled, so do the memory of those that lay within them. Is it still only the mystery of the ship? I assume that’s what it is. Is it the mystery of those on board? Maybe that too. They mystery of the suffering in the cold and the dark. I dare say that the suffering was with those that watched from the boats. Those in the water did not last long to witness much.

 

K: You’re very candid about it.

 

S: My dear girl, I cannot be anything but. It was a reality. It was a sad reality. It was a terror but those who remember those early hours have gone now and have recovered well.

 

K: So did you think, when you got the posting on the Titanic, that it was a big deal?

 

S: I should think so. It was the unsinkable ship. God himself could not sink such a ship. I was quite pleased with the honor. To sail such a ship as that was very much a pleasure.

 

K: Tell me in one word what the Titanic was like.

 

S: Exquisite.

 

K: Okay. Another one.

 

S: (chuckles) She was past her time. She was finery in motion. She was everything that the engineers wanted and sailed better.

 

K: Do you think she needed more test runs before a big sail like the one you…I guess… perished on?

 

S: Heaven’s no. She was prepared. The crew…I do believe we could have been more prepared. I believe we thought such a ship could sail a hurricane and not a scrape would be seen. We, as a whole, felt that the ship could almost sail itself. I walked aboard feeling as if it would be an easy voyage. And it was.

 

K: Why didn’t you heed the warnings from the other ships about the icebergs?

 

S: For the same reasons. Nothing could sink the ship. What could a little ice do to such a vessel? I was full of pride. It was misplaced. I admit, ignoring key features and key messages; believing that such a ship could do anything, I was stubborn.

 

K: If I could put words in your mouth…Egotistical perhaps. A little bit. Or more about pride?

 

S: Hhhmm. Ego. Both really as one fed the other. I had an image. I held importance. I commanded with a hard hand and a loving heart. I directed but I would not stand for incompetence. You may ask, was I incompetent that night that even my crew didn’t understand, why I wasn’t taking to heart, the warnings as my ship cut through those waters? I was not incompetent to heed warnings. I was too chuffed to think I actually had to. What could a little ice do to such a ship?

 

K: Did you know that the safety of those passengers was compromised because there weren’t enough lifeboats?

 

S: The safety of my crew and my passengers…when I arrived on deck and looked about, I found I stood on ground in water. I was not concerned with safety because of my ignorance of what could happen.

 

K: Did you know there weren’t enough lifeboats?

 

S: Yes. I was aware. I did not believe they were needed.

 

K: So you were so confident in this ship and in your leadership that you didn’t think anything of the fact that the one thing that could save many more people was lacking.

 

S: Yes. I had every confidence in my ability as a captain and my crew that I believed the voyage would be uneventful.

 

K: When they were filling the boats…let’s talk classes. Let’s talk society.

 

S: Women and children first. The announcement was made to those of the whole ship that it was sinking and the women and children were to go first. If you are thinking of your picture show and believe that those below decks were locked in because of the situation with the lifeboats, you would be sadly mistaken if you assume that to be my orders. I instructed that all hands be on deck.

 

K: Did you believe in class?

 

S: As a captain aboard a ship I played that part. As a husband and father and a friend, I have met many who had nothing but heart. I have seen those with pennies willing to give them to another so they could have a meal. It was the way of it in those times. It was class. It was structure. As a captain, I played a part. When out of uniform I was simply a man.

 

K: Appearances meant something back then.

 

S: As they still do.

 

K: Yes. I agree.

 

S: Good.

 

K: When you knew what was happening, how did you remain so calm? I read somewhere that you were so calm and directed your crew in that manner. Were you panicking inside?

 

S: There was no time to panic. I needed to get as many bodies on those boats as possible.

 

K: Did you ever think that you would die at sea?

 

S: My wife and I had many discussions about the possibility. It was a very good possibility. I asked her if she was comfortable with the risk, albeit very small. She instructed me to do what I must do. The sea was within me. It was a part of me. She knew that and I had her blessing. She knew, more than I, that dyeing at sea was very probable. Again, my pride made that idea an impossibility for me but it was still discussed.

 

K: To slow down the ship…was that even a thought in your mind? I know you’ve said what can a little ice do but seriously, obviously it did a lot.

 

S: (thinks) Looking back, to slow the ship would have been a wiser thing to do. I knew of the dangers. I knew of the warnings. I was very blind to what lay deeper than the surface of things. I saw many icebergs; little bits of ice floating along. How large something could get underneath the surface of the calm waters was oblivious to me.

 

K: I feel like you’re explaining something more than ice.

 

S: The parallels between icebergs and a person is astounding, don’t you agree?

 

K: I do but I think that comes from Captain Smith Spirit and not Captain Smith the person.

 

S: (laughs) You are right. I’ve realized more now than I ever wanted to when alive. (he slaps his forehead) Silly me.

 

K: I assumed, and I know I don’t need to be doing so much assuming, that you would be this stern and serious captain that was distraught about the ship but you’re not at all.

 

S: Why? There’s no need here. I come to you as Captain but I’m also a man.

 

K: Did you love what you did?

 

S: (tilts his head in remembrance) I did love the sea. I often went, as a child, to the docks to see the boats and wondered what kind of life that was. A life of adventure? School and studies were tiresome. I thought I would have more excitement out there and I did. I worked hard. I worked hard because I loved the work and I wanted to make something of myself. I wanted to impress. I wanted to lead with the knowledge that I had gained from working hard in my youth. It was apparent to my fellow officers what my intentions were and they supported me in those. (leans forward) Do you know, Kimberly, how fresh that air is? Have you experienced that when you’re there?

 

K: It’s amazing. I love the ocean. Boats…a little less. I have a great respect for how powerful the ocean is and what it can do. My husband dreams of sailing and the freedom of it. I get a little anxious thinking about it. The open water with, well, nothing.

 

S: I am not surprised at your lack of enthusiasm with sailing.

 

K: Yeah, about that. That news was a little…it was a little holy crap moment for sure.

 

 

He told me that I was a passenger on the Titanic when it sank. I was an infant, low class and traveled with my father.

 

 

S: Why, Kimberly, would it shock you? You are not at that place any longer.

 

K: It’s just a little jolting to hear things like that and see how that would impact how I feel about sailing and things like that. I love the water but open ocean is a little scary and now, maybe it has something to do with the connection you told me about. Couldn’t find me though. Records are kind of sketchy.

 

S: I must say that when pen to paper is the only way to count bodies on a ship…things can be missed. Things can also be missed when survivors are tallied and those who have a chance to run from who they were can assume identities easily. The records of that ship and the survivors or those who perished are an estimate. Although fairly accurate, there are names missing.

 

K: I’m not surprised. To tally all those people and see who wasn’t found or who was missing and people taking identities and on and on and on. You could have used a computer.

 

S: Yes, well, if she sailed during your time, I do believe she would have made it.

 

K: I think a replica has been built of the ship.

 

S: Hhhmmm. It is still not my ship. There will never be another than her.

 

K: You instructed the band to keep playing until the very last minute. Do you actually believe that the music would calm people down?

 

S: (laughs) Do you believe that couples swayed as they waited to know if they would live or die?

 

K: Go on!

 

S: Yes. Music has a way of helping. It did not solve anything. Ah, here they are.

 

 

Three musicians came into the room. Holy crap. There’s a man with a cello coming forward.

 

 

K: I need to ask them something.

 

M: Yes. (Musician)

 

K: Quickly…it was cold, the ship was sinking, how the hell did you continue to play.

 

M: It was quite difficult.

 

K: How badly were you crapping yourselves?

 

 

I just hear laughing.

 

 

M: It was not the time to soil oneself. It was difficult. I find that as a musician, you are given the task to calm and stir quiet thought as people listen. Not many listened but, in a way, we offered something beautiful at a time of complete chaos.

 

K: Did you resent the order to play?

 

M: Women and children first. No one knew if they would make it onto the boats. To take those moments and be able to help in some way through, in my instance, music, it was an honor.

 

K: Wow. I’m shocked that you came in. Thank you.

 

 

As I thank him, more people begin to surround me. I have the distinct feeling that they are here for support. Both for me and Captain Smith.

 

 

K: Wow. This is amazing.

 

 

The Spirits with me want to discuss the resurrection of the ship. I don’t know if that’s still a thing but it seems important to them.

 

 

K: Okay. Let’s talk about that. There are or were rumors that they wanted to bring the ship to the surface. I don’t know why. Maybe to make it into some sort of museum? Thoughts? I don’t get a happy vibe from this.

 

S: As a collective of souls that perished with her, to dig up a grave is highly disrespecting what we went through that night just to have something to look at.

 

K: But, you’re in Spirit now. Why would it matter so much to you now that all of you are where you are?

 

S: It is not about us. There is nothing more that can be recovered or solved. It is our last resting place and needs to be respected as such. If they are completing a replica of my ship, why would they want to unearth that which died many years ago?

 

K: Well, I don’t think it’s happening but I appreciate your feelings on it. Everyone’s feelings and I agree. It’s not a car accident to be gawked at. I don’t think, to remember the tragedy, you need to look at the boat.

 

 

He’s showing me divers.

 

 

S: It’s no longer a mystery that needs to be solved.

 

K: We could get into archeology and relics and all that stuff too. But I understand what you’re saying. I think the difference was the circumstance and the tragedy of it and while some might not agree with leaving it, I understand the deeper reasons of leaving it there.

 

S: Thank you.

 

K: I want to ask you about your death. People say that you jumped and tried to help those in the water get to empty lifeboats. Others saw you go onto the bridge. Did you go down with your ship?

 

S: When I knew it was my time I took solace on the bridge. I gave my command over and went on my own. I did as much as I could, under the circumstances, and I needed a moment before my death.

 

K: How was it to face death; to know it would happen in a matter of moments and have to realize that?

 

S: It happened quickly. I was well taken care of. I did not suffer in the water.

 

K: There were also rumors that you took your own life on the bridge.

 

S: I would do no such thing.

 

K: Do you admit…I guess…that whole evening could have been prevented?

 

S: I’ll admit that I could have heeded the warnings but being here, I know that ship wasn’t to make the whole voyage.

 

K: What do you think came out of that experience? The sinking of the Titanic?

 

S: (sits back and straightens his jacket) A hard look at issues regarding safety. A hard look at communicating warnings. Better navigating equipment. When the truth of what happened was pieced together, much had to be looked at and studied in the way a ship sailed, seasons and routes.

 

K: So do you think some good came out of so much loss?

 

S: It had to. There was no choice in the matter.

 

K: You’re showing me meeting people in Spirit that drowned that night? Were you still captain in that situation as well?

 

S: As above so below. Is that not your saying?

 

K: I guess in that sense you could take it very literal.

 

S: I guess one could.

 

K: People still applaud your efforts that night. How do you feel about that? I think there’s even a statue of you somewhere?

 

S: I have great respect for those who honor my life and what I did. In saying that, though, I did nothing short of my duty to those people in their time of need. I did nothing short of my duty as captain of that ship.

 

K: Would that have been your last trip? Was the sailing of the Titanic to be your last posting?

 

S: Oh I don’t. I’m sure my wife would have preferred to have me land locked for a while. I thought about it but, if things were different, I would always say one more. Just one more. It would have been easy for me, at the time, to say it was my last voyage but it was in me to be on the water. How else could one be on the water unless sailing them.

 

K: Very true. I could only imagine what that ship was like and the energy of it. The excitement someone must have felt for being on that first voyage must have been so tangible.

 

S: It was and it was a privilege and an honor to be part of history in that way. It was my life. I find it very proper that it very well began at sea and ended there. I did begin my work as a young man. I do consider it to be my beginning; my birth, if you will, into a legacy and a history.

 

K: Do you think you fulfilled everything you wanted to do?

 

S: Yes. I believe I had done all I was meant to do.

 

K: Do you have anything else to add?

 

S: (clears throat) I would like to offer my condolences to those families that lost so much in those hours of the morning. It was a heartbreaking time. I did the best I could in that maddening situation. I offer my deepest sympathies for those that had to endure the imagery of that and the knowledge that their loved ones left this earth in that way. Tragedies have a way of breaking hearts in the most violent of manners. It is for this that I am truly sorry. I cannot say there was no suffering as there was. But all is well now. All was well soon after. All is well. Time can heal if allowed but the mystery remains. I will solve it…(leans forward) we drowned.

 

K: (laughing) What a way to end that speech. I was thinking something much more profound was coming.

 

S: And we shall end it there. My dear Kimberly, it has been a pleasure. Thank you for your time. I must go. (Stands and bows a little) My lady. Take care. Try the boats. You are safe now.

 

K: I’ll take that into consideration. Thanks so much. I’m going to miss your company. You are a pleasant surprise.

 

S: If you would like a good talk, I will come again. Good bye.

 

K: Good bye.

 

 

Bows again and is gone.

 

 

 

Conversations with Kurt Cobain

 

October 4, 2016

 

 

Honestly, he was a puzzle. When he came to me in the early morning, he seemed pretty nonchalant; so much so that I didn’t understand why he was bothering. Then, throughout the day, he became softer and more approachable. I feel like he came to me more ‘human’ than any other that I’ve talked to and that was residual…energy maybe? He was beautiful. That’s the best way I can describe him. His energy was beautiful. He felt like a fallen angel. Not a fall from grace but an accidental roll onto earth and because he wasn’t expecting it, living here was not easy. Of course, that’s probably not his actual experience but he does have the fallen angel/accidental tourist feeling about him. I didn’t listen to his music but I knew a few who did. He seemed like a leader, to a way of life, that he didn’t really want to be but ended up being. There are few ‘f’ bombs in here. Just giving you a head’s up. He sits with a cigarette in his hand and he flicks off the ash every once in a while. He wore a white t-shirt and jeans with frayed holes at the knees. Here is Kurt Cobain.

 

 

C: Hey. I’m, like, one of those double entendres that you can’t get your head around. I get it.

 

K: Well, kind of. This morning you presented as someone who couldn’t give a shit and now you’re presenting as if you do. Yeah. It’s a little confusing.

 

C: Confusing was how I lived. I had no…I wasn’t in touch with my life because I didn’t like it.

 

K: What didn’t you like about it?

 

C: Man, I just didn’t feel like I could be the person that I felt I was.

 

K: Did you feel like you were a decent guy?

 

C: To be honest, I kind of lost sight of who I was. It wasn’t for lack of trying though. I wrote it all down. My life was a fucking song on paper. It was just never taken like that. For those who listened to the music, my life became their soundtrack.

 

K: But don’t you think that you spoke to that part of them that they never let out or that they never admitted to feeling so they just listened to your music because it made them feel like they weren’t alone in the mess of what they were feeling?

 

C: Yeah. I get that. It was just never my intention to be that for people you know? I needed that for me but I never asked. I just decided to hell with it. No one understands so I’m just going to keep to myself.

 

K: Do you think you built a wall around yourself?

 

C: Fuckin’ wall. I built fuckin’ cities around myself. There was no wall.

 

K: You had a history of depression. Were you ever treated for that?

 

C: I had it. That didn’t mean I went out to talk about my feelings to some doctor. I had my guitar and I had my pen and paper. That’s all I needed. I bled onto blank sheets.

 

K: Did you find that your lyrics were your own personal therapy? Did they give back to you in that way?

 

C: My private journal is written in those album covers for the world to see.

 

K: Did you want that? Did you want the world to know who you were?

 

C: At the time it was a mixed bag. I thought it was cool to, you know, have that following. In a way, I felt I had a voice but my voice wasn’t heard because I was speaking. It was heard because other people wanted me to speak for them.

 

K: Is that always a bad thing?

 

C: It’s a bad thing when you can’t even speak for yourself.

 

K: What kept you so quiet?

 

C: I felt like a continuous burden to people. They wouldn’t admit it but it was tiring to try and get people to listen to me as just a regular guy instead of the singer for a band.

 

K: Did you want to talk to people? Reach out for some kind of help?

 

C: (shrugs) Didn’t know what was going on in my head. All I knew is that I wasn’t comfortable and I wanted to be comfortable.

 

K: What gave you comfort?

 

C: I couldn’t find much comfort in anything. I mean, I could give you all the bullshit lines that I found comfort in my music but even that got to the point where it wasn’t comfortable anymore because the spotlight was fucking bright. I was under a microscope and constantly judged for what I wasn’t or what I was doing.

 

K: When did your feelings of being a burden start? Was it just with your singing?

 

C: Nah. I don’t want to use the excuse of a broken home because it wasn’t really. I mean, my parents split and they got into relationships that were supposedly better for them. Whatever that meant to my mother I had no idea but I guess that they just got on with their new lives and I didn’t feel like I fit in with everything new that they were building. I couldn’t be what my teachers wanted me to be in school. I couldn’t be the friend that other friends wanted me to be. I couldn’t, I thought, be the person that would be accepted by anyone. Music and writing and art, shit that took my brain away from the everyday, that’s what I could be. I could be what art wanted me to be. I could be the singer or the instrument player that those things wanted me to be. I was accepted by those kinds of things and those things that I made came from someplace inside of me that wanted to be loved but was ultimately loved by strangers.

 

K: Did you love who you were when you were doing your drawing or sculpting or songwriting or even singing?

 

C: Love, for me, was a pretty strong word and I wasn’t convinced that it existed. If you were to ask me if I accepted who I was when I was doing all those things, then yeah, I felt pretty accepted.

 

K: Did you go within yourself to hide or did you go within yourself to learn who you were and what you enjoyed?

 

C: Both. It was both an escape and a…I guess at those times you could say that I was rejoining me.

 

K: Did you feel rejected?

 

C: Sure. I was a fucking kid that couldn’t relate to the authority around me. The thing about those that are placed above you, it’s a constant struggle to meet their expectations.

 

K: Why did you feel like you had to?

 

C: Aren’t kids supposed to listen to teachers and parents?

 

K: Sure. But aren’t teachers and parents supposed to give a child the tools to be able to have their own mind and feel their own heart?

 

C: But not all of them do it.

 

K: True. What about disassociation? Do you think you did some of that?

 

C: Damn. Every fucking day almost.

 

K: Is that with the drug use?

 

C: Yeah. My fantasy world I wanted (to be) my world. I wanted stability.

 

K: Did you get that?

 

C: No. Not in the way that I needed.

 

K: What was stability to you?

 

C: I wanted to be listened to. I wanted those conversations that you could learn something from and ultimately find and feel supported from. I didn’t want just some fucking never ending date. I needed substance in a relationship so it felt stable.

 

K: Do you think you ever got that?

 

C: Sometimes. Sometimes it wasn’t enough so I would hide away and be with me. That’s when I wrote the best stuff. When I felt I was getting screwed out of life.

 

K: And people could relate to that?

 

C: Sure. That was the whole grunge scene. People feeling misunderstood for who they were and feeling trapped inside of themselves. You know, you dress in a certain way and you comb your hair in a certain way and it’s judged as not right and you become different and if you open your mouth to speak, no one wants to hear you so you just shut up. I spoke but I spoke through notes and words. People gravitated toward that because their voice was in my words and music. Now, they didn’t have to speak ‘cause it was all on me.

 

K: Is that how you felt. Did you feel like you carried a lot of the weight of being so popular and pretty much leading a culture?

 

C: I wasn’t a fucking leader. That was put on me by other people.

 

K: And you didn’t like that?

 

C: I didn’t want to be responsible for that. I felt a lot of pressure from that. I wasn’t some sort of fucking hero. I just wanted to have my music. I wasn’t looking to be some sort of icon. My life was no longer mine. I felt I had no control in those directions that the music was taking me when ultimately, it was everything about me and I began to get panicked because I couldn’t even control that part of myself any more.

 

K: Holy cow. That’s a lot. Do you think a lot of how you were feeling was exemplified because of depression or addiction?

 

C: I don’t know if it exemplified that as much as I used it to escape those feelings instead of admitting to them.

 

K: Why would you think you were never good enough when you were loved?

 

C: Most people loved an image. They loved a photo in a teen magazine or they loved a guy on a stage. That’s infatuation and it’s to do with an image.

 

K: I think that they loved you because you were a voice for them.

 

C: I appreciate that. It’s cool but when I lived that life, it wasn’t what I asked for. It was putting me in an uncomfortable position that I wasn’t cool to be part of because that intimate part of me was assumed. It had to be assumed. How are you supposed to really know a guy in a magazine and call it love?

 

K: Through it all, though, you must have had an appreciation for your fans. If they felt from you what you were going through then, not to put words in your mouth, but couldn’t you feel for them what they gave to you?

 

C: Like reverse it?

 

K: Yeah.

 

C: I won’t sit here and say that I didn’t appreciate the support and the fans that I had; that I have until now. I just knew that as much love they gave me, I felt empty.

 

K: Did you allow yourself to be loved? Or were those cities impossible to approach. Did you have your own idea of love and want it in only the way you saw it?

 

C: I had an idea of love. I had a fantasy of it. I never really had great examples of it when I needed them the most.

 

K: When, in your life, did you find love?

 

C: Uh…(chuckles and he pauses) I guess when Francis came. It was kind of a clean slate for me. Someone who could know me with innocence and not a jaded interpretation of who they assumed I could be.

 

K: Kids can do that.

 

C: I just didn’t believe that I could be what she needed. I thought that my bad influences would touch her in some way and I wanted her to be pure, innocent and untouched. I had a lot of guilt for thinking I didn’t deserve such a beautiful thing in my life.

 

K: Were these feeling because of the addictions or were they how you truly felt?

 

C: The addictions just exasperated it. It was just a never ending circle of trying not to feel.

 

K: Did you feel when you wrote or performed your music?

 

C: I really detached myself from the performances. I liked it but when there were more and more people, I needed to take a step back because it got to be to invasive. I liked the more intimate performances. Like that MTV unplugged thing I did. That was cool. I enjoyed that. I was able to enjoy who I was in that instance. When I wrote, even if it was good shit, it would bleed all over the paper and that was me. It was me bleeding the good, bad, beautiful and ugly all on the page and with the instruments. Then I would celebrate. I needed to feel it. Those are the times I didn’t feel the need to escape myself.

 

K: Your energy reminds me of a wounded healer type energy.

 

C: Yeah but I wasn’t teaching anything. How could I heal anyone when I couldn’t find the healing in me?

 

K: Were people worried about you.

 

 

He shows me two sides of coin. One side, many people did. The other he makes me feel like they didn’t care.

 

 

K: I don’t know if they didn’t care.

 

C: Maybe sometimes it was too hard to care.

 

K: Do you think you were someone that was too hard to care for?

 

C: I think that some people were desperate to give me all the care that I needed because they knew that if something were to happen, they could never forgive themselves if they didn’t.

 

K: How was your relationship with Courtney?

 

C: Ah. I was wondering when this was going to come up. You know, people will think what they want to think. She was fucking ambitious and I wasn’t. She wanted the world and I didn’t. But we fed off each other. We were dependent on each other and what we thought was eternal love. Truth is though; we just enabled each other to stay dependent.

 

K: Did you believe she was your happily ever after?

 

C: Sure. Were they healthy beliefs? Probably not. I cared for her and her spunk. I cared for her daring nature. She was what I wanted to be sometimes. I wanted her courage.

 

K: Was it always pure courage? I know that in my youth, I’d think if I had a few drinks I could be brave and dance or flirt or whatever. But that wasn’t real courage. That was liquid courage but it’s how I sometimes thought I had to introduce myself or prepare myself. Do you think that was some of what she was doing?

 

C: Don’t we all?

 

K: I guess so.

 

C: There’s always a vice that people use to make them a little braver. It doesn’t always have to be chemical though. It can even be overdoing it at the gym or something. Everyone has their own vices to give them courage.

 

K: Agreed. Makes sense. Speaking of wounded healer, if we were to use a label which is so not like me but I feel like this…tortured soul.

 

C: Only of my own making, choosing and doing.

 

K: How responsible do you believe you were for your life as Kurt Cobain?

 

C: You know, when I lived, I felt like everything was done to me. I had no idea that I was actually the one that put myself in all of it and then ending up resenting what I ultimately didn’t say no to.

 

K: Do you have any regrets about your life?

 

C: Regret? I had enough of those when I lived but if I were to choose one….it would have to be the ability to say no. I couldn’t. No was a word that I could have learned to speak a little clearer. Then maybe I would have been taken seriously. Maybe I could have taken myself a little more seriously. There’s like this fine balance in living. I had a voice but I didn’t use it the way it maybe should’ve been used.

 

K: Boundaries?

 

C: I had boundaries just in unhealthy ways.

 

K: How are you now? As a spirit and looking at your life…how was that?

 

C: When I first got here I needed alone time. I didn’t want to be bothered by anything. Then, when I was ready, I had a lot of…I guess you would call it therapy there. I was in heaven rehab.

 

K: Great song title.

 

C: You think?

 

K: Heaven Rehab? Yeah.

 

C: It’s a rehab you want to do.

 

K: What was that like?

 

C: I can’t put it into words but…the only thing I could tell you was it was like being held by an angel and completely understood and loved and rescued from all that opinionated shit that sticks to you from the life you just led. After that, I allowed myself to be celebrated because I still kind of thought in human ways and I felt underserving of even getting here. Yeah…hugged, held, kissed, every intimacy and affection that you would crave when you lived, I got here when I allowed myself to be vulnerable to it in healthy ways.

 

K: Were you vulnerable when you lived?

 

C: I hid away from being vulnerable. It wasn’t something I wanted to feel. That was scary; to be vulnerable. I liked my control when I had it and when I could maintain it.

 

K: Apparently, and I had no idea, there’s a lot of conspiracy when it comes to your death.

 

C: That shit’s everywhere. Some messed up artist kills himself and there’s gotta be assumptions.

 

K: Do you judge people for it?

 

C: No. I don’t judge. Believe whatever it is you want to believe.

 

K: I won’t get into it a whole lot but you weren’t alone that night.

 

C: I was not.

 

K: I feel like it’s a male energy around you that pushed you into doing what you were going to do anyway.

 

C: Yeah.

 

K: Kind of like daring you?

 

C: Fucking games. I played them. What did I have to lose? Nothing. I already made my peace with going. I had already decided.

 

K: So you went to meet someone just for a last good time?

 

C: I was happy and yeah, I wanted a good time before I left. I didn’t want to fucking die in a rehab center. I wanted to be home. I was home.

 

K: The pics?

 

C: Like taking a picture of a car wreck and putting it out there just to gawk at it. People are intensely insane when it comes to shit like that. They just want to stare like the end of someone’s life is television or a movie to take in with popcorn.

 

K: It just keeps the conspiracy alive. Do you know who took them?

 

C: I do.

 

K: Why didn’t they develop them?

 

C: Everyone has a conscious that kicks in sometime.

 

K: True.

 

C: Yep.

 

K: That’s all I’m going to touch on it because I don’t want to add fuel to the flame or anything. This isn’t a tabloid.

 

C: That’s not what I’m here for anyway.

 

K: What are you here for because I was surprised to see you smoking your cigarette on my walk this morning?

 

C: (shrugs) People get curious. I’m not burning in hell.

 

K: Usually there’s some sort of message that Spirit wants to relay to be helpful.

 

C: Look at my life and don’t do that. I’m an advertisement for don’t do drugs.

 

K: Well, I can’t disagree.

 

C: Seriously though, it’s not worth it. Drowning yourself in self…I don’t want to say hate but yeah, drowning in self-hate and feeling dis-empowered than trying to find that in other ways…it’s not worth it.

 

K: Why do you think you chose to experience that then?

 

C: Hell if I know.

 

K: Well, there’s always something isn’t there? Experiencing life because of this or that?

 

C: Losing total control. I wanted to know what it felt like to lose total control. It was a life that I knew would be hard. Being some sort of icon but then struggling with actually feeling that cool inside. People can give you all the accolades and praise but if you can’t be that on your own, always questioning or struggling with identity; being someone your told to and not connecting with who you really are and being good with that…it’s not going to do you any good. To accept praise, to accept love, to know that you’re just as fucking cool as the next guy…you need to tell yourself that and not try to escape it because you’re not comfortable with telling yourself that. You can have all the excuses in the world. I come from a broken home, no one likes me, I have no friends, I have no girlfriend… on and on. Well, why? Be fucking honest with yourself always. Not just sometimes. Always.

 

K: What would you say to those who might consider your life and death a tragedy or wasted?

 

C: I can’t see their point. I mean, I lived it. I suffered through it. I felt it. The only tragedy was… is that I ignored what, maybe, I needed to spend more energy on and that part of me that was suffering and examine that. Everyone has the capabilities of discovering what they’re made of or what’s important to them or what they want to experience. The tragedy is not experiencing it. I mean, who says it has to be a huge thing. It doesn’t have to be.

 

K: Would you say you were an empath?

 

C: There’s no denying that. Yeah, I had a hard time in certain situations because others’ shit felt like it was on my shoulders. I was like this emotional vampire without realizing I was taking the blood. I was oblivious to that and maybe if I even understood those things, I could’ve understood my own story better.

 

K: Do you think you could have overcome your addictions?

 

C: I didn’t want to overcome them ‘cause that would mean staring me in the face and I didn’t want to do that.

 

K: Did you fear that someone would say how wrong you were or did you fear disappointing people?

 

C: I felt like a constant disappointment.

 

K: All the time?

 

C: Nah. I carried that shit with me from when I was a kid. There was no one to blame for it. It’s just what I experienced according to Kurt. I think that even if someone would have had the best intentions with wanting to be a friend or a lover, I think a lot of me would have been guarded just because I didn’t think I could have that.

 

K: Did you crave affection or to be alone?

 

C: In a perfect world I would have hidden away with someone that gave me affection and we would live in a world where it was just the two of us with no one else to butt in.

 

K: Huh. I like that fantasy. Rehab? Did you try it?

 

C: (grins) Tried. What a great word.

 

K: Did you want to get clean?

 

C: There were times where I felt I could be better. You know, like for Francis. I could’ve been more a father and less of a playmate. I liked to play with her. I liked that innocence. It was really freeing.

 

K: Yeah.

 

C: You know, I may come off as someone who didn’t give a shit about the difference my music was making to so many people. I might even come off as being a little resentful about it but that’s just the thing. As much as I felt like I wanted to escape that light, it meant something to me that I could carry that torch. The thing of it was is that I didn’t feel like I was worthy to do that. It’s cool that they looked to me for something relatable. I’m glad I could offer that piece of myself. I didn’t want to contribute to the idea that grunge was a dirty drug induced culture. There was that and a lot of that culture was segregated because people didn’t get it or they couldn’t understand it. I wasn’t out to create some sort of lifestyle and I think that’s what was getting to me right? It was this way of life that people built around my songs or the way I expressed myself.

 

K: Were you spiritual?

 

C: (grins again and flips his hair) I liked the idea of Buddhism because I liked the idea of getting another shot if I couldn’t finish what I was given. Look how that worked out. (Joking) I didn’t follow anything really heavily but I liked that. I liked the ideas behind it. Spirituality….well, I guess I learned about that here because I ignored that shit there.

 

K: Ah. Totally get it.

 

C: Yeah.

 

K: Could you detach, for a moment, everything and everyone around you and feel something bigger?

 

C: Yeah. It scared me because it was the one thing I felt so big but I didn’t know how to deal with it. In my life, there was a lot I felt I had to deal with but couldn’t which was my own hiccup. No one else but mine.

 

K: What would you say about your relationship with Courtney?

 

C: Beautiful. Disaster. (says the words like they’re separate sentences) You can’t sum it up better than that.

 

K: Do you regret that part of your life?

 

C: (shakes head) I can’t. It gave me, and this world, a beautiful girl. I couldn’t ever regret something that created my girl.

 

K: That’s very sweet. 

 

C: She was my new beginning and maybe in some ways, she was.

 

K: Did you ever think she could save your life?

 

C: I’m torn with that because on one hand, no kid needs to come into this world to save a parents’ life. On the other, I needed a fresh start and I put all of that on her. It didn’t quite work out.

 

K: How was your passing?

 

C: Out of body.

 

K: Even before you left your body?

 

C: I was pretty fucked up.

 

K: That’s what they say. I saw that people kind of expected it.

 

C: I didn’t really give them a reason not to expect it.

 

K: Do you have anything you want to say to those that just wanted to see you happy or content?

 

C: It was something I had to discover for myself. No one could do the work for me right? That was the shitty part. I know people tried but it was really up to me so to all of those people who supported me and gave to me to the point of neglecting themselves…I’m in awe of your strength ‘cause I know that wasn’t easy. To my fans…it was an honor. It really was. It was only after I died and came here that I saw what people thought of me and my work and it humbled me. I was fucking gob smacked. I took it for granted. I learned a lot about my life as Cobain through seeing and hearing who I was according to those who turned me on.

 

K: Wow. I hear that about the life reviews. That a person sees their life through other people’s eyes. Like how your life and your choices affected those around you.

 

C: Yeah.

 

K: You know what else?

 

C: What’s that?

 

K: You’re an amazing Spirit. You’re beautiful and I hope you now know that.

 

C: (flips his hair again) Thanks. Thank you. (gets shy)

 

K: If I could hug you I would. I think you’re very special and thank you for leaving us that part of you that was the best of you. Everything that you felt, you shared and I think that’s really important when we’re talking about creation. That was your authenticity and I think you are a really great example of that.

 

C: Wow. (grins) You really cut to the chase of it.

 

K: Well I do because I think underneath all of our struggles is our reality of us. You shared that and spoke for many that couldn’t but felt included just because of your artistry. Thank you for that. Thanks for hanging out today. 

 

C: It was cool. Thanks Kim. (rubs his palms on his jeans) I’ll see ya.

 

K: I’ll see ya back. Take care Kurt.

 

 

Does a little wave, stands and is gone.

 

 

 

Conversations with Paul Walker – Vulnerability and Banter

 

October 8, 2016

 

Long visit but short channel to put up. Completely casual; t-shirt, jeans and bare feet. Finally got the opportunity to do a message for the blog later in the evening so it’s a little shorter.

 

 

P: Crazy light shows hey?

 

K: Tell me about it. It’s very cool though. Just another form of validation that I’m not totally crazy.

 

P: And what’s wrong with being crazy?

 

K: Good question. Look who I’m talking to.

 

P: And why would you say that?

 

K: History.

 

P: Hhhmmm. That’s not crazy. That’s fun.

 

K: How have you been? It’s been a while since we sat down together. How’s things over…wherever?

 

P: Things are good. I’ve been busy. I’ve taken a liking to exploring. Goin’ from place to place. Just takin’ things easy.

 

K: You back yet? (on earth)

 

P: (shakes head) No. Just chillin’. Takin’ time.

 

K: Time?

 

P: aka moments. Language. I’m finding that it’s very limiting now.

 

K: How so?

 

P: The English language just has difficulty defining everything that I’m experiencing and how I can share that. (leans back and places a hand at the back of his neck.)

 

K: Please. Make yourself comfortable.

 

P: I always do.

 

K: When you hang out with Spirit where you are, do you speak or is it like telepathy?

 

P: It can be both but it’s easier to use the mind when you’re speaking with others that are…they’re not from home. God! When I talk to you I don’t know how to speak because it’s so not like me as Paul. Whatever. I’ll deal.

 

K: It’s only because you know more and have way different experiences. Things that we aren’t ready for here.

 

P: Yeah. Something like that.

 

K: Still outdoorsy?

 

P It’s all outdoorsy here.

 

K: I get that but there’s still places?

 

P: Sure. Come on over and I’ll give you the grand tour.

 

K: Okay. I’ll get right on that. Keep the light on.

 

P: Will do.

 

K: What would you like to talk about today?

 

P: Your choice.

 

K: Well, we have been speaking on and off about vulnerability. I guess we could continue that here.

 

P: I guess we could.

 

K: Vulnerability. Is it considered weak or brave?

 

P: Why does it have to be either? Why can’t it just be what it is?

 

K: And what, in your personal opinion, do you believe it to be?

 

P: Huh. In my opinion.

 

K: I think you’re the star of the show.

 

P: Well…(sits up) I think it’s showing some authenticity, some softness, some truth. I think it’s an allowance.

 

K: An allowance?

 

P: An allowance to actually let people into your personal space without being worried or scared that you’re going to show some sort of weakness or think that you’re gonna be taken advantage of.

 

K: Okay.

 

P: I think it’s a space where you can give a little sweetness and show a little love even if you’re unsure or you’re being put in a position that you’re not used to but you show yourself in a humble way any way.

 

K: The dictionary says, and I quote: Vulnerability is the quality of being easily hurt or attacked. Vulnerability is the state of being open to injury, or appearing as if you are.

 

P: (nods) Of course it does because being vulnerable opens one up to be in a place of fear or be in a place of being taken advantage of because the perception is that people are only capable of taking advantage of or being taken advantage of. People think that they have to constantly have these boundaries or these walls so no one can come close to hurting them or leaving them feel like they’ve been used but where does that come from? It comes from a place of fear. It comes from being nervous about everyone around you. What if, instead of being a bad thing, it was actually something very cool to be open to people around you and showing a side of you that is allowing someone that personal space of connection. Like when we first met, you couldn’t allow yourself to be vulnerable with me because I was something that you couldn’t believe or you didn’t think you were good enough to be able to do this stuff with.

 

K: Thank you. Thanks, again, for calling me out.

 

P: I’m not calling you out but you can see what I’m talking about. To be vulnerable is to allow connection. It allows for contact and it allows for just a hint of something more that could be invaluable to someone’s life.

 

K: You’re getting excited.

 

P: I think it’s an important word that could be taken in a lot of ways.

 

K: When here, did you have moments of vulnerability and were they always bad?

 

P: I think you could take that bad vulnerability and just re-name it as insecurity. Insecurity is doubt. Vulnerability is allowance.

 

K: But it can allow a person to be naive.

 

P: That’s just life experience but how is a person supposed to gain experience, especially with other people, if there is no vulnerability to be your authentic person. It’s because people are too worried what other people will think. They are always looking over their shoulder to see if they’re being watched and if they are being watched they have to act in a certain way to be understood or taken a certain way. If a person is putting on an act, how is that being vulnerable?

 

K: I agree with the (dictionary) definition looking back as a teenager. Especially when it came to crushes or dating. There was no room for vulnerability because young men could be…they could be heart breakers.

 

P: But if you’re closing yourself off at such a young age, what is that teaching you? It’s teaching you to protect your heart for fear of being hurt or it’s teaching you to be someone you’re not, just to get kissed.

 

K: Kissing’s good though.

 

P: (grins) Sure.

 

K: So, as a parent, how do you teach your kids to be vulnerable in a good way?

 

P: Communicate those feelings. Have those heart to heart discussions that pave the way for honesty. People get nervous with honesty thinking it may hurt another’s feelings but if we’re honest, we’re big enough to express our concerns or our feelings in a productive way. Honesty, I think, needs to be learned right out of the gate because to be honest means being that authentic human being.

 

K: Agreed.

 

P: Really? You’re not gonna pick fights tonight?

 

K: Nah. I agree though. Honesty is a lacking skill. Either someone is too honest and ends up looking opinionated or like an asshole or someone is less than honest and is always questioned or not taken seriously.

 

P: But if you’re looking like an asshole are you being honest just to prove a point or are you honest in an open and vulnerable way which listens to another and not just hears them?

 

K: So honesty is a trait of vulnerability?

 

P: It has to be. Being honest with yourself and others takes…sometimes it takes some bravery to step into that. Not everyone can do that. Not everyone can show the world who they really are because the world expects a different picture. There’s the expectation of perfection.

 

K: Yes.

 

P: Yes. We talked earlier about acting out a scenario.

 

K: Jesus! Come on.

 

P: He’s not here.

 

K: I’m not doing it.

 

P: Fine but here’s the thing, it’s only an example Kim!

 

K: It’s awkward.

 

P: (spreads his hands like he’s just made a point) Showing affection to another is awkward?

 

K: Just give the example.

 

P: I asked you to ask me out.

 

K: Great!

 

P: The example was if you ask me out then you feel like you’re being vulnerable to anything that I could answer. If I answered no, it would hurt…

 

K: Says you.

 

P: If I answered yes, it would be exciting.

 

K: Sure.

 

P: It just leaves that space of feeling something and allowing how you feel to be expressed without worrying about what the outcome would be but the outcome is always something to learn from.

 

K: Why does everything have to be about learning something?

 

P: Because the more you learn from experience and allow yourself to experience, the more you learn about you. Ultimately, it’s learning about you. That big You.

 

K: Do you think that people just think of the worst outcome to a situation and then get nervous to actually make that first move.

 

P: Absolutely. That’s why I had to make the first move.

 

K: There was no first move.

 

P: Please. I was all over the first move.

 

K: And what’s your point.

 

P: To allow ghosts in, how much have you learned about yourself?

 

K: It comes and goes.

 

P: True. Very true but the underlying lesson that you’ve learned is still there. You can’t unlearn what you’ve experienced.

 

K: No. That is definitely correct.

 

P: Yep. (crosses an ankle over a knee)

 

K: Where’s your socks?

 

P: No need.

 

K: Those are some big flippers.

 

P: I wouldn’t talk.

 

K: Nice.

 

P: I think people wonder if we really like each other’s company or if we just put up with each other.

 

K: Not sure. Something I guess I could be vulnerable to learn.

 

P: There you go.

 

K: So, since you’re there, do you see language and the meaning of words in a completely different way?

 

P: I’m not attached to a definition.

 

K: Do you think we (humans) can be very literal?

 

P: Yes. It’s not something bad. It’s just how people are understood.

 

K: What makes a person a target of abuse? Is it vulnerability?

 

P: If you want to look at it with that word….I can’t agree though. (shakes his head a little.)

 

K: Is it weakness?

 

P: Not at all.

 

K: Power?

 

P: On who’s part?

 

K: You’re showing me a dance?

 

P: As nasty as those situations are…it is like a dance. It’s a dance that needs new partners. Abuse is not about being vulnerable. It’s about being in control or being controlled.

 

K: But if someone was showing vulnerability…?

 

P: No. I don’t agree. Being vulnerable doesn’t allow for someone to be abused. I’m not saying to allow yourself to be taken advantage of in extreme ways. I’m just talking about letting in a little love, a little honesty, a little connection. Allowing yourself to meet new people. Getting out of that comfort zone and exploring which can ultimately lead someone to a better understanding of the world around them. For someone to say, ‘I don’t need to explore. I’m happy in my little bubble.’ well, that’s fine but you’re missing out on a lot of stuff.

 

K: I feel what you’re saying. It’s like I have this feeling of allowance and openness in my chest without forgetting that I can be my own person yet still capable of experiencing people, places and things without forgetting me.

 

P: Bingo.

 

K: Interesting take. Not sure how it will be taken.

 

P: It’s putting yourself out there, not worrying about saving face. But if you do it in an honest way…hey, a person can’t go wrong. People will know it. People aren’t stupid. They know what’s fake and what’s real or they will very fast.

 

K: Like sporty cars being a cover for something that’s lacking?

 

P: And there it is. (points to me) Jealousy will get you nowhere.

 

K: (laughing) I don’t really need to plug my ears and go la la la la la, do I? (I get a feeling like he’s going to tell me something I don’t want to hear, personal wise.)

 

P: It wouldn’t matter ‘cause I’m not in your ears.

 

K: Fine. You win.

 

P: Where did the shy Kim go?

 

K: She’s still around.

 

P: I know.

 

K: What about being shy?

 

P: Just an act of protection.

 

K: How so?

 

P: Just protecting what is so as not to be disturbed. But the shy ones usually have the most to give.

 

K: Once shy always shy?

 

P: It’s a choice.

 

K: Some people don’t think it’s a choice.

 

P: No but I guarantee (points a finger) if they opened up just the littlest bit, magic would happen.

 

K: In what ways.

 

P: Anything. When opening up and being brave enough to finally admit you want to experience something different, it’s like all those doors just swing open. It’s stepping through them that’s the key but usually people will when they want to make those changes. You never know who you’ll meet that will take you the rest of the way.

 

K: Yes. I completely agree with that.

 

P: I think you’re about to wrap this up.

 

K: I am. I need to get going for a walk.

 

P: Cool. Let’s go.

 

K: Cool.

 

P: Bye guys. Kim just asked me out.

 

K: You are something else.

 

P: Always. I wish they could see how far your eyes roll to the back of your head.

 

K: Bye all.

 

 

 

Conversations with Paul Walker – Purpose

 

October 13, 2016

 

 

[_For all of those people that knew Paul when he was here (I can’t say he died because I don’t believe in a final death) I can totally understand how he could be so easy to love. He’s just this guy who is right there with a hug or a smile or a chat. He really is one of those people that when you’re feeling poopy, he’s there for comfort. I’ve been feeling shlumpy (my word) the last few days and he’s been like Velcro. So, I can see how he could be so missed on Earth. Here’s my early morning chat with Paul. _]

 

 

P: Good Mornin’. Sorry to interrupt your daily dose of whatever it is that you listen to in the morning.

 

K: I know. I know. You’ve said these things before. I just think it’s jealousy on your part.

 

P: I got none of that. I’m just sittin’ here. Waiting for an in. How are you this morning Kim?

 

K: Good. I’m good. How are you?

 

P: Very very good. I’m well.

 

K: I feel like this is going to be an all-day thing.

 

P: It’s all I got.

 

K: Day?

 

P: All.

 

K: You have patience?

 

P: Got that too.

 

K: What’s on the agenda today?

 

P: Yours or mine?

 

K: Both?

 

P: Hhhmmm. There’s so much it could make a brain combust.

 

K: Well, we could dabble in the area that’s been floating around my brain…

 

P: That could make me combust.

 

K: Just one then.

 

P: Sure.

 

K: Purpose.

 

P: (smiling) Finally. Okay. Let’s get comfortable.

 

K: You or me?

 

P: Both.

 

K: I was just curious about your thoughts if to have meaning in one’s life, one had to be doing or living their life’s purpose or does one give to the other. Like living what you feel like your purpose is gives one meaning in their life?

 

P: Then having meaning would be some sort of fulfillment in your life because if you weren’t living your true purpose than your life wouldn’t have any meaning and therefor you would find yourself feeling unfulfilled.

 

K: That was a mouthful. Slow down. I haven’t had my coffee yet.

 

P: Allow me. (shows me drinking coffee)

 

K: Oh come on. Tease.

 

P: The thing about coffee, even if you didn’t drink the stuff while alive, it’s so good here and you can’t help yourself.

 

K: Tea?

 

P: Same thing. It’s all good.

 

K: Okay, so back to purpose.

 

P: How can we talk about purpose when your co-workers are talking about Hawaii? It just reminds me I need to plan a trip.

 

K: Planning. Don’t you just up and go?

 

P: I need to up and go on a trip.

 

K: Better.

 

P: I guess purpose, in a way, would give meaning but meaning to life doesn’t necessarily mean you need to be living your life purpose. How many people out there discover that? Not many but they still have meaning in how they live in the day to day.

 

K: Why do you think so many people are searching for that one thing that they are meant to do and if they feel they aren’t doing it then they get in a funk or think that they missed out on something?

 

P: Because they haven’t explored other avenues in their life or they attach their age or life circumstance to something, defining that they can’t start a new job or a new relationship or whatever because they’re too old or it’s not possible. A person kind of thinks of themselves as only capable of doing one thing. They are here to do one thing and that is their life purpose but really, the way I see it, there are so many options that could give a person some purpose, some direction.

 

K: Is purpose direction?

 

P: It can be. It can be a direction in that feeling of being fulfilled that you were asking about earlier but I don’t think it always has to be that way. Dude drives a garbage truck around the city and picks up trash right? It’s probably not what he thinks he should be doing but there’s a picture of his girl hanging from the mirror and he smiles. He’s fulfilled by that relationship. He has meaning in that relationship. The purpose for driving the garbage around is for their life together. He feels fulfilled. It’s not contingent on a job all the time. People seem to think that it’s the job that is their sole purpose in this life when it’s actually the act of living the life that is the purpose. Now, you can say that people have this drive to make their life their own by making a living doing their purpose. True but I think, then, that could also be a goal and how many goals does a person have in a lifetime. Same as purpose. It can change because a person doesn’t stay the same for their whole existence here. They change and so purpose changes but meaning and fulfillment can be in those things that are lasting.

 

K: Relationships aren’t always lasting though.

 

P: And why is that?

 

K: I guess because people change.

 

P: People change. Circumstance in life brings all these cool situations to a person but the person doesn’t always grab the opportunity to have that purpose because they worry it won’t pay the bills or they aren’t’ good enough. So people desire this purpose but on terms that can only fit into this box of life. (holds his mug with both hands in an example of the mug being the life) Purpose doesn’t always fit into that box of life. Sometimes you gotta get out of the box.

 

K: What if someone feels like their doing something that is their life’s purpose but they question it all the time. It feels good but they question what they’re doing.

 

P: Then is it really what they’re meant to do?

 

K: I guess having someone question what it is they’re doing would be a red flag that maybe it’s not right for them.

 

P: Constantly asking why what why what why what…it’s a redundant circle. Questioning without looking at it and answering your own questions is just a constant cycle of keeping yourself stuck.

 

K: What about believing you’re supposed to do something but then life throws something else completely amazing your way. Was the first belief wrong?

 

P: (shakes head) Nothing’s wrong, Kim. How can I show you….it’s like, something really excites you and you’re on your way and you want to do it and everything’s cool and then the universe says, ‘Really? Think bigger.’ And they land on you, this amazing opportunity that is just mind blowing right. But, if that first thing still fulfills you in some way and you feel really great and feel a need to continue to pursue it, why restrict yourself? Find different ways of fulfilling that desire while living the high life that you were given.

 

K: Or that you created?

 

P: Given an opportunity that, then, you can create from.

 

K: Wow. That was awesome.

 

P: I can be.

 

K: Did you always feel like your purpose was what you did? Like acting?

 

P: I liked it. I had some different plans than acting for a career but it’s like what I said. I was given this huge opportunity but then with that opportunity, gave me the ability to contribute to what was really important to me in other ways.

 

K: So what you gained from acting, I guess monetary speaking, gave you the resources to start your…what do you call those things? Charities? Non For profits?

 

P: Yeah. After doing, you know, a couple things here and there I thought well, I can now do what I thought I wanted to do. It didn’t turn out that way. It turned out better.

 

K: What did you want to do?

 

P: I thought about medicine. Something to be helpful in those ways.

 

K: You could have killed two birds and starred in one of the medical dramas or something. I liked ER when I watched TV.

 

P: But then I wouldn’t have been able to race the cars, Kim.

 

K: You did that on the side too.

 

P: True. I did. You got me.

 

K: Is that why you started the first responders thing.

 

P: Yeah. I just wanted to be a part of something so that, just in case…(He smiles) something were to happen, it wouldn’t have all been for nothing. I wanted something that gave me meaning and something that fulfilled me to continue. That was important to me.

 

K: I think it is. I mean, I don’t go looking or anything but I’m pretty sure it continues, no?

 

P: It does. Yes. It’s my baby.

 

K: You are remembered for so much more than action movies. How does that make you feel?

 

P: That it wasn’t all for nothing.

 

K: It could never be for nothing. I think all life has meaning.

 

P: It does but as I lived as I was, who knew right? But I did have purpose and I was fulfilled and I did create meaning.

 

K: Do you think there are different levels of meaning?

 

P: I wouldn’t say levels. I think it’s more of a situation, like, how people look at it. Some people find meaning in the newest technology and how it fits in to how they live. Others find meaning in the people they meet and the relationships they build. Some find it in both.

 

K: I don’t like the term narrow minded but do you think people just have that mindset that’s a little squishy and they can’t see anything bigger to life than what they believe it to be.

 

P: That’s being stubborn and set in ways.

 

K: So then what’s being narrow minded?

 

P: Disregarding what’s obviously there but being stuck in your predetermined fate.

 

K: Predetermined by who?

 

P: Who else? Those who run their shows.

 

K: Then do you think that they would miss their purpose in life?

 

P: You have to try really hard to miss out on the purpose of your life because even the life you live is your purpose.

 

K: So what are people striving for then?

 

P: Their best purpose; that higher purpose that everyone craves while thinking how they live isn’t cool either.

 

K: Would you say to attract a higher purpose, one would have to appreciate and be grateful for the now?

 

P: Always be appreciative of the now, Kim. Being disgruntled doesn’t open anyone to fulfillment or meaning because they wouldn’t be able to realize that by wallowing in what they don’t have, all the time.

 

K: True. I see what you’re saying. I think I lost my train of thought.

 

P: It kind of just blends together, all these words.

 

K: Yeah because when I think of purpose I just think it includes fulfillment and meaning.

 

P: And it can. But it doesn’t have to be so exact right? It doesn’t always have to be about the one thing.

 

K: Why do you think people feel a purpose is all about a career?

 

P: It’s where people spend most of their day. So, if you’re going to spend most of your day in a job, it needs to have purpose. You have to feel like you’re contributing in some way.

 

K: I wonder if the garbage truck driver, you were talking about earlier, feels like they’re contributing.

 

P: Look at it like this. I’m only giving an example right. So the garbage truck guy looks up at his girl in the photo. He’s contributing to the life they’re building together. It may not be glamorous but the end result is…to him. The nurse who just changed a bed pan or cleaned up someone’s vomit with a smile on her face…she’s contributing to that patient’s dignity so they don’t have to feel shame or embarrassment because they’re stuck in that position of being sick.

 

K: So it’s like a snowball effect but not just down one path but kind of like all areas of one’s life.

 

P: That’s what I’m getting at.

 

K: I want to go back to the person that questions why what why what.

 

P: Sure.

 

K: What if they’re questioning but know, deep down, that they love what they do but just don’t feel like…

 

P: It’s about a comfort thing?

 

K: Yeah.

 

P: Like they’re psyched about doing it because the thought; the idea of it makes them happy and they see a purpose but they lack in confidence.

 

K: Is it a lack of confidence?

 

P: Taking that measuring stick and holding it up to some level or believing you have to live that purpose the same as everyone else…it’s a lack of confidence. It doesn’t mean you’re not supposed to be doing it. It’s just a lack of self…I guess finding value in yourself; enough to push you into doing what you love. Nothing and no one outside of you is supposed to drive your personal purpose and in that regard, that personal purpose would be a passion.

 

K: Okay. I see.

 

P: A passion can be a purpose but not always. So, think of it this way, there is so much potential in one person so purpose can change and it can be several things in one bag. To pick one is restricting.

 

K: To those who think they can’t afford to follow their purpose or passion?

 

P: Take that idea of what you really want in life and start small. Like, how can you incorporate your purpose in your day to day? Then how can you do it more and on what scale? Sometimes purpose is a work in progress. You just have to take the first step. Think big or go home? Maybe but, for me, taking a small idea and working at it every day with meaning and understanding that even in the smallest way you’re fulfilling a dream…I think it would go further because you’re just building up that foundation to eventually place that house on.

 

K: Do you think a lot of people think go big go home or now or not at all.

 

P: Oh yeah.

 

K: Is there a way to not get caught in that.

 

P: Examine why you need an outcome this very instant and would that really be fulfilling. If you got instant gratification would it last?

 

K: For some I think it would.

 

P: (chuckles) Oprah wasn’t built in a day.

 

K: (laughing out loud) I can’t believe you just said that.

 

P: She’s the perfect example, regardless of what people think of her. She built that foundation. She chipped away at a goal little by little. She saw what she wanted to do but it took a long time right. I don’t think literally blood, sweat and tears but the sweat and tears were definitely part of it.

 

K: I never believed that living your purpose or having meaning or fulfillment would have to have an element of such hard work.

 

P: It doesn’t always. Crap doesn’t have to drive a purpose. It depends on the individual. It’s personal.

 

K: Like everything is, it seems.

 

P: Well, we’re all not the same right. We handle things in different ways and that’s okay. If someone needs the blood sweat and tears to feel like they’ve accomplished something, have at ‘er. If not, finding joy in the journey works too.

 

K: Did you have joy in your journey?

 

P: (nods) I did. There were some surprises along the way, stuff that I had to look at and say, ‘what the hell?’ or ‘holy….’ Yeah. I said that. But at the end of it, I was happy. I am happy.

 

K: There is never a time where we talk where you’re not happy or just content.

 

P: I am. There’s nothing else to be but that.

 

K: You are really making your presence known today. I’m seeing you fly around my computer and tapping on my shoulder.

 

P: I’ve always done that. You’re just getting it more.

 

K: So it’s not a naggy type thing?

 

P: God no. I’ve nagged you for a few months now. It’s no different.

 

K: Bring me back something from Hawaii.

 

P: Like?

 

K: Macadamia nuts are always good; the chocolate kind.

 

P: I’ll see what I can do.

 

K: ‘Till later.

 

P: Bye crazy.

 

K: Bye creepy dead guy.

 

P: Creepy? Haunting’s not my thing.

 

K: No. Hanging out is your thing.

 

P: I do a lot of that. See ya Kim. Sooner than later I’m sure.

 

K: Bye.

 

 

 

Conversations with Eileen Nearne and Krystyna Skarbek

 

October 20, 2016

 

 

Spies? Espionage? I wasn’t expecting this one at all. It was very interesting to me how these two ladies came together. I had seen Eileen for a long time but never really understood why or how to make her get in a little closer because to be able to do what I do, I need to speak with them like any other person and I’m not a shouter. Then, I clicked on a link from a website that would take you to another website and Krystyna was there. The next day they came and sat with me together. They’re very very lovely. They’re very happy. Krystyna’s more extroverted and bubbly. Eileen comes off as this really beautiful mother figure. Both are extremely proud of what they achieved but also very passionate about the aftermath of what they went through in the way we need to take care of veterans; those that have given so much to allow us freedom and those who continue to do a lot in those peacekeeping missions. I’ve learned from them that there is a side to war that is not done on a battle field and it was through people like them that the fight was battled behind the scenes. They speak about war like they were just there which I’m sure that’s what it feels like. Country against country. Sometimes it was hard to write that way. Although they don’t have those feelings any more, there was definitely a sense of playing sides. Here is my conversation with Eileen Nearne and Krystyna Skarbek.

 

 

E: I can honestly tell you that I am so thrilled that you have seen us come in. Thank you Kimberly for speaking with us. This is very exciting.

 

Kr: I agree. This is very exciting. Wow.

 

K: I get that sometimes that those in Spirit are kind of shocked that someone would actually see them and speak with them.

 

Kr: It is a little surprising when you, I guess get a pull to someone that you can speak with in all these different manners and I believe that it is about time that these things were not kept, how do you say it? Under the rug any longer?

 

K: I think they’re kept under the rug because of us (people) though. Sometimes the world isn’t really ready or doesn’t know how to take these kinds of things, which is okay.

 

E: I think that if it were shared more often, that it was viewed as a normal occurrence, that things like this would…hhhmmm…they would take hold because yes, we lived but we also live.

 

K: That’s actually a really great way to put it. You lived but you also live. That’s really awesome. How are you guys. I’m kind of surprised, myself, that you came in together. Talk about being a book between bookends.

 

Kr: Because of our background, I think we gravitated towards each other, in a way, after it was all over. There are many that have played roles (on earth) that group together because it was a purpose for many many of us and it’s one of those…oh, how shall I put this, bonds that cannot be undone.

 

K: Do you think that there are certain individual spirits that choose these roles? Because spying isn’t meant for many? Poor choice of words because there were many but thoughts on that?

 

E: I think it takes a varying degree of will to come in and choose to be those who create balance but balance that remains hidden.

 

K: So being spies was about balancing? In what way?

 

E: There is much, in situations such as war, where much is done behind the scenes to balance what is seen to everyone. War is not only the act of violence but mastery and manipulation on both parts to achieve the means to gain the support from country to country. These are the people that work in the background.

 

Kr: (nodding) It is very strategic and it is not only strategy on the fighting grounds. Yes, much happens behind closed doors. Much of what is prearranged or arranged to continue the cause or the fight is done in secret.

 

K: Secrets done in secrets.

 

Kr: It would be comparable to how you would view your world and the worlds in which we now reside. There are things that happen with individuals behind the scenes that they are not aware of and these are orchestrated by Spirit. Life unfolds but it is in those impatient times where things feel stalled that the most work is done behind that veil if you would like to use that term. There is much being done behind the veil by those of your teams that sometimes is hard to discover because it must be done discreetly.

 

K: Why is that?

 

E: Why, so it is not disrupted by free will and choice. The part of you that is here with us plans and allows certain things to occur. But, you have also had a plan in mind before you got here; things that you would like to do so when a person begins to sway off course, there is much done that they can’t see to assist in putting one back on course.

 

K: So then, I spoke to my friend Paul and he said that there could be many purposes to a life…

 

E: Oh of course. Let’s talk direction. If there is a change in direction then new avenues present themselves and if this is the road you wish to take then those behind your curtains, will assist you in maintaining that new path. Certain things won’t be changed but these are…I had missions so if you would like to look at it that way, these are your missions and however they get done, they get done.

 

K: So it’s not so much picking one mission and only getting it done a certain way. There’s many ways to live that mission that you came here to do.

 

E: Yes. This is why flexibility is so important. Flexibility is an asset in change. Being static in this life when so much happens in regards to change can lead to disappointment and upset. I believe, in my life, I had to learn that. I thought that when I offered my services as a spy that it would only go one way but this wasn’t the case. There were many ways that things could happen or not happen and I had to reinvent how I was to work, constantly.

 

Kr: Yes. I agree. I could never be so stubborn in how I worked because it would lead to my death. I had to change thoughts, ideas…it was as if I was on a stage and had many costume changes throughout the show. At times, I couldn’t identify with who I was any longer because of how often I had to pretend to be something or someone I was not.

 

K: Wasn’t it safer to just pick one persona and work with that?

 

Kr: It depended on who I was to meet and what interactions I was to have.

 

K: I just can’t wrap my head around how a person wants to sign up to be a spy. Really? A spy? Was it to be helpful?

 

E: Awful things were being heard at that time. No one knew what was true or not true. Some sat by clinging to their fear and for good reasons. It was a very scary time. Others, though, wanted to do something to stop it sooner.

 

K: Did you think that you could stop the war sooner? Make it last for a shorter time?

 

E: That was the idea. I was always on the hunt to find out information that would create freedom from these prisons of war.

 

Kr: I wanted adventure. I couldn’t help myself. I just wanted to play a part that would be helpful. Little did I know how caught up, in this war, I would become. I grew arrogant and I took many chances that maybe I shouldn’t have. In the beginning it was about freeing my people from the grips of a monster. In the end, I had become somewhat of a beast and taking chances that weren’t justified. I became desperate to free those in danger and I was willing to give my life.

 

K: Did you think you would give your life while you were spying?

 

E: Yes. I thought I was dead a few times.

 

Kr: Yes. There were times where I stared death in the face and it was usually a face and body behind a uniform.

 

K: Were you ever scared in your confrontations with the enemy?

 

Kr: I could show no fear. If I showed fear then, like dogs, they would sniff me out and I would be finished. To play a part in the play of espionage, one had to have many faces that would cover fear. One had to have a demeanor that would cloak fear and it had to be convincing.

 

K: Were you always convincing?

 

E: No.

 

K: Eileen. You did most of your work in transmitting messages. You weren’t really in face to face contact much?

 

E: I did receive and transmit messages but my identity as Eileen was taken away and I was Rose. I lived as Rose. I lived as two people inside one body.

 

K: Was that difficult?

 

E: At first it was. But I liked Rose. I like what I made her.

 

K: You were found out with transmitters or something?

 

E: Yes. I was working and I did not know that I was, in fact, being listened to.

 

K: You were listened to?

 

E: It was how they tracked me.

 

K: Listened as in voices?

 

E: Sometimes. Security was not always secure but I was tracked with transmitters.

 

K: You’re showing me that you were…like people stormed into where you worked or something?

 

E: Well, they entered forcefully but I wouldn’t say stormed. I was taken away immediately and questioned.

 

K: Were you tortured?

 

E: I was.

 

K: Did you give any of your secrets or knowledge away?

 

E: I did not. I did a lot of convincing myself that this situation could happen. I, as Eileen, was petrified. Rose was not.

 

K: Did they find out your identity?

 

E: No. They did not know Eileen.

 

K: Wow. That’s amazing. So they hurt you?

 

E: Of course they hurt me. Women and men…it didn’t matter. I had information. They tried to force it out of me in any way they could.

 

K: But you lived.

 

E: I did. I was sent away to work in their camps.

 

K: And still you didn’t let on about Eileen. Yeah. You’re showing me two women in one. That must have been hard. Did anyone know, in those camps, who you were?

 

E: Yes. It was on a promise that I would help them; I would take them with me when we could find an escape. I had no intention of staying there.

 

K: Wow. You were repeatedly tortured though.

 

E: I was. They knew what I was and what I was doing. They had no desire to respect or treat me humanely but I was not the only one.

 

K: When you ran, did you think that you would make it or not make it?

 

E: There was no time to think. There was only time to run.

 

K: And you eventually ended up where?

 

E: We were given sanctuary in a church.

 

K: Then how did you get back to England?

 

E: We waited. It was a situation of wait it out. I had a keen ear. I heard things. I understood language. I had a sense that things would be done soon.

 

K: Did you have hope?

 

E: Hope is a funny thing. Hope could make a person desperate under circumstances such as war. I put aside hope and remained in my knowledge. I knew. I believed. I trusted.

 

K: I’m sorry I have to get the gist of your stories separately. Krystyna…you weren’t sent to camps were you?

 

E: No. I was not. I could have been but I manipulated people with false facts that could be taken as truth. It was like I said earlier, I had to where a costume to portray strength and will so I was believed in any situation I was put in. To have the enemy believe in your mask was of great importance and I was good at it. When I was in a situation where it was life or death, especially for someone else, my life was second and in deciding this, I had no fear to hide. I went on impulse and instinct because my life came second to all of those lives that were imprisoned or brutalized that were first. They were first priority. I understood this very early on because I chose to work for a cause of freedom.

 

K: What was a turning point for you? When did you want it to be over?

 

E: Never. I loved it. I loved the unknown and really, I had an addiction to this life.

 

K: In regards to the war?

 

Kr: Oh yes. Of course, it needed to be over as soon as possible. This is why I did what I did. This is why I went into situations that could have me tortured, as Eileen, or dead. It was to aid in the defeat of the Germans. It was to aid in the defeat of monsters (of that time). And that defeat was to happen swiftly.

 

K: There is espionage to this day. There are whistleblowers to this day and there’s no big war. Why do you think they’re still out there?

 

E: There is always a war that happens it only happens in different ways. There are always secrets and there will always be information to gather as long as this world remains country against country. Even man against man; human against human. This is a world that does not trust and so it creates a perfect environment for spies to work. They gather information that can be used to attack or to be used to bring truth. The truth though…it creates attack. People get angry. It is not so much country to country any more as much as man against man.

 

K: Do you think that information has to come to light for humanity to move forward?

 

Kr: It depends on the intention; how information is gained and used. When privacy is breeched, it creates a storm of resentment and anger. People feel they have lost control. This, in turn, brings about a fight or flight instinct. In most cases it is a fight. Truth will come to light but it will take some time to be brought to the light in productive rather than destructive ways.

 

K: What do you think about technology and it’s part in, I guess privacy?

 

E: This is a good question and as well intended technology use is, it is an easy way to follow (she’s showing me a leach). Technology was built for a purpose of moving forward with advancing societies. But it was also built for the fool to be fooled. As innocent as placing oneself on the internet may seem, it can lead to unwanted attention.

 

K: What do you think technologies place was in the war?

 

E: Besides weaponry? Again, it was a means to track. It was a means to gain information and intelligence on the unsuspecting.

 

Kr: But the unsuspecting, again, were suspecting. It was (she shows me a board game) the biggest power play games in history. War always is.

 

K: Did you think that there could ever be a third?

 

Kr: As much as peace was desired, and as much as humanity was aware that changes had to be made, it also brought about feelings of protection and borders; especially with countries. There were tense times. This war wasn’t the end of wars but it was an end to the way wars were fought. There are wars, like I mentioned earlier, that are not fought on a playing field for the world to see but in rooms and bars and behind screens. This is where technology comes in. There is no face. It is a faceless means to tempt, to control and to maintain power.

 

K: How do you see the world now that you’ve lived that life, pretty much in the thick of destruction?

 

E: (smiles) The chaos wasn’t all for nothing. I think it brought to the surface, much that needed to be faced, discussed, understood. Tolerance is not a word that I like to use but we’ve all had times where we needed to practice this so that peace of the moment was not disturbed. I think that the idea of war has changed dramatically. I see that more and more people want to give to those who have been displaced or harmed in battle instead of wanting to contribute to the battle. This is a huge change to what we lived. Yes, there were those that wanted to reach out, save and/or rescue those victims of war. But today, I see there are many more and this has maintained more of a peaceful existence than a chaotic one.

 

K: There are still many wars out there though. You even said they didn’t have to be on the battle ground. Kryon says it’s more to do with dark and light than it is country against country. How do you feel about this?

 

Kr: There is a marked difference in the individuals involved but a playground is still a playground and bullies are still bullies but there are fewer bullies and more heroes now; more people that understand the idea of coexistence than rebellion. It’s those individuals that are the strength in these times and that give their strength to those who are in the middle of these fights.

 

K: How do you think the war shaped you as you continued to live your lives?

 

E: It was hard to forget. It was hard to relive it through memories. A part of me was different…I guess a large part of me was different. I always felt I needed to hide. I kept to myself a lot. My stages of grief were long because each stage took months or years to work through. I needed to do that for me. I needed to make peace with the personality of Rose and all that she went through and what I couldn’t help. I felt guilt for putting myself in that situation in the first place, disregarding the fact that I only wanted to contribute in a way that I could. I hated to see what it did to my sister. It pained me that she couldn’t find her closure and it pained me that I couldn’t give that to her.

 

 

Her sister was also doing spy work. Her name was Jacqueline.

 

 

E: There were many moments where I felt lost in the seas of war; in what I was witnessing and what I had endured. Many had difficulty, after it was over, to find a place in a broken world where before the war, people were living their lives. It turned everything that I thought I was, upside down, and I questioned my life in many ways after that.

 

Kr: Yes. It was difficult to assimilate to a life that was deemed back to normal. It was very difficult to just become Krystyna again after living those years under so many masks. I got lost in who I was supposed to be. I questioned what I was to do. I was homeless. I was country-less. My life was no longer my own. I didn’t know what life I was to live.

 

K: Do you feel like after all the celebration and all the medals and all the honors that you were ultimately forgotten?

 

E: Yes. What do you call them? A one hit wonder? It gave me pause to think what it was all for.

 

Kr: I felt those who I was employed under, had washed their hands of me. I was of no use anymore. It was simply goodbye. (She shows me a metaphor of a child holding a suitcase being told to leave an orphanage.)

 

K: Do you think a lot of people felt as you did after everything was done?

 

Kr: The dust must always settle. Yes. Many did.

 

K: On an earthly scale, what happened to the earth after the war? What was the effect on…I guess energetically? Does that make sense?

 

 

I’m being shown the earth and then there’s a translucent world above it. Like an overhead projector overlay, it’s being turned to indicate a shift.

 

 

K: Was there a shift of consciousness?

 

E: Yes.

 

Kr: The world was never the same and it had to be rebuilt but it was rebuilt in terms of how can we make this better or how can we avoid this much horror.

 

K: And then came the nukes.

 

E: Yes. Again, there was still much to work out in regards to how games were played. There have been many instances where you may not have been born to this world. Of course, there is a grander design when it comes to these situations.

 

K: Many women felt compelled to contribute in some way because the men were doing their duty in fighting. Now you see many women on the field fighting. Why, in your time, did you think that women had such a desire to be part of it?

 

Kr: We were part of it. Whether one liked it or not, women lived it just as the men did. It wasn’t the same. They (the men) were put in very dire and disgusting circumstances. I think we just felt compelled to help in some way; to fight back in some way that would bring the end of it so our men wouldn’t have to suffer so much.

 

E: There were things that women could do that wouldn’t be suspect because we weren’t thought of as people that could be fighters in our own right. Was it to prove that we were capable? Maybe. I do agree with Krystyna when she says we felt the need to contribute in ways that we could, to bring an end to the chaos all around. It was bombarding really, with all the stories in the papers and on the radio. One didn’t know what was truth or lie, yet there was no escape.

 

K: Contribution to the war or the war effort?

 

Kr: (smiles) War effort of course. The effort of cease fire.

 

K: I’d like to bring up war veterans. You both felt displaced or forgotten. I know Prince Harry does a lot to support those who have been injured in wars and soldiers of all kinds because he feels a need to show that they are not forgotten. Do you think there could be more of an effort to support troops and what they’ve seen and endured with any deployments that they have been on?

 

Kr: There is much that can be done for those who have been touched by war, including those that have fought for the peaceful existence of their countries but it is not. There must be more done in regards to how these people are discharged or told to go live their lives because it is not that simple. To simply go back to a previous way of living after having to live in such circumstances is ridiculous. Emotional, mental and financial support must be given because they have put their lives on the line and it was for a purpose. They must be remembered for what they have contributed to and not just left to fend for themselves. There are those on peace keeping missions that do not witness peace but live brutality and see horror. Then they return shaken and broken. Who will hold their hands until they can stand again in their own power after giving so much of it away? It is an important subject to me.

 

K: Do you think that soldiers have a sense of a fall from grace? Just because they go as heroes yet some come back unrecognizable?

 

E: It’s the same as feeling displaced; no longer who you were or who you knew yourself to be; to recover from that takes an immense amount of support. It’s not just up to the families but of the communities and governments that send them to the broken places. When a part of the community comes back broken, it would take a village to help repair that.

 

K: I can feel how important this is to you. I feel your passion about it. It’s like don’t forget those who loved you enough to fight for you, even though they have never seen your face, and return that to them.

 

Kr: Yes. Return that to them.

 

K: Krystyna, you were murdered?

 

Kr: Yes.

 

K: Did that have anything to do with…maybe some sort of celebrity status?

 

Kr: (shakes head) No. It was only that he felt scorned.

 

K: How did you feel about living through what you did and working as you did and then dying in that way?

 

Kr: It was a little surprising. I was only just beginning a new life and it was taken away. At the end of it though, it was the way it was. I lived. I lived my life very intensely. I lived what I felt was my duty and my right. I lived fully, under the circumstances. It wasn’t the way that I died that was important but the manner in which I lived the life I had. People place a lot of emphasis on the way others die. Those who are left behind find tragedy in this. I find tragedy in forgetting how they lived and what they contributed. I am happy with what I contributed and thankful that I got to play the part of that play in the way that I did. I am very satisfied.

 

K: And you died alone by the seaside, so I read. Did you like living by the sea?

 

E: It was an opportunity to see a new day rise. The sun always rises on the horizon. What better way to greet a new day, a brand new day, than with such an unobstructed view such as that. It was serene to me. I died alone but I was never alone. I had much love in my life. I wasn’t forgotten by those that loved me the most and I was content with that being only a few people. I needed to stay away from the masses. I guess you could say that my healing took the rest of my days, in a way. I experienced…maybe you would say that I was given a raw deal. I don’t believe so. I find that I did my very best under the circumstances and I can proudly say that I held my own and was able to live until my old age. I found strength in remembering that I was strong to persevere and have belief and trust in the world I lived in. I always maintained that, even if I did have to do much of it alone. Being alone gave me the chance to know and understand me again and when I did get to know me as Eileen again, I liked my company. I liked it very much.

 

K: Thank you for that because some people have trouble saying that or feeling that.

 

E: Yes. It is a tough one sometimes, especially after or while enduring very difficult times or circumstance but regret is just allowing that to live on. I had to make peace with myself and with the world around me to find contentment in my every day. Being alone didn’t mean that I was lonely.

 

K I totally get that. I really understand that. Did either of you struggle with making peace with the world that was now very different than the one previous to all hell breaking loose?

 

E: We needed to get to know each other again. We were very different. As with all relationships, there’s a period of reuniting that is always hard.

 

Kr: Yes. It wasn’t with the world that I had to make peace with. I needed to make peace with the idea that I wanted or could have done more. I was only one person. I did what I could do.

 

K: Would you change any of those experiences if you could?

 

E: Change would mean I regret. I don’t have regret. I can’t. I wouldn’t change it. If you asked me that while getting my head shaved….maybe. (she winks and I hear them both laugh.)

 

K: You both are amazing. I’m just so amazed with your courage and your willingness to put yourselves in danger for a cause bigger than you. I guess putting yourself second?

 

Kr: When you feel an internal drive to do something so absurd yet so important that it makes your heart beat in willingness and in permission, it’s really meant for you. If it wasn’t, then you won’t do it.

 

K: Wow. Just amazing. Thank you so much for this time. I’m sorry it was a little broken up.

 

Kr: It was a joy. Thank you, Kimberly.

 

E: Very very special. Thank you so much. Thank you for your willingness to share us in this manner. Thank you.

 

K: It’s my pleasure. It really is. I learn a lot. I get a lot of comfort from these visits. Now if we could just hug it out.

 

E: Oh, there are hugs.

 

Kr: Many. Take care, Kimberly. (stands and salutes me)

 

 

Eileen stands as well and does a little queen like wave. They both leave together.

 

 

 

Conversations with Brittany Maynard

 

October 31, 2016

 

 

This conversation is about assisted death. If the topic is uncomfortable for you or you are quick to pass judgement, maybe it’s not the right talk to read. That’s the warning but I’ve gained some understanding and I’m happy I’ve experienced this. She comes in and sits on a brown leather couch. She crosses her legs under her. She’s wearing light fitted blue jeans with a tear at the knee and a white scoop neck shirt. She has her hair down and God if it’s not every woman’s dream to have that hair! She’s gorgeous. I had seen her a couple of times when she died because I did follow her story and I often wondered about her. Yesterday she was introduced to me and I have to say she is the sweetest most beautiful energy and person that I have come across in Spirit. She’s just so….all that and a box of chocolate. She’s gorgeous. She’s so happy and bubbly but passionate. Not in a rough way but a really understanding way. She’s an angel. Here is my conversation with Brittany Maynard…

 

 

B: Are we ready? Can we start? I can understand if you’re busy…

 

K: No. Absolutely not. I have been looking forward to this since you introduced yourself to me and I have to tell you something.

 

B: Okay.

 

K: I was and still am amazed at your story. I followed it as much as I could but I was continuously amazed at your strength and your will to have your say in what was important to you. You were, by far, a big shit disturber for something that people aren’t sure how to feel about.

 

B: (smiles) I did stir up a lot of emotions in a lot of people but I also kind of made them think, I hope anyway.

 

K: Oh sure. It’s a subject to ponder for sure and I think it’s a very deep personal issue that, I guess if you could say, others with some sort of assumed authority want to take away. When I was growing up, there was huge debate about abortion and there still is. But now, on the plates, there is the debate about assisted suicide. Was it ever a debate for you?

 

B: That’s actually a very good question because as much as I fought for whatever rights that needed to be fought for, in regards to these things, I struggled with the decision very personally.

 

K: Why?

 

B: Because…well…I was never really sure what would happen after. I wanted to think that I would go somewhere…else, I guess, but you’re never really sure and that’s kind of a fear right? And then I thought sometimes that I should be strong enough to take this to the end and to fight for my life while completely debilitated but as I struggled I would watch my family and my husband; my closest friends struggle with me and, to me, that wasn’t how I wanted them to remember me and I didn’t want to watch their struggles as I struggled with my illness. There was a lot of back and forth. Even after I had the okay and the support of the doctors, there was still a lot of internal back and forth. I felt the pressure from those who completely disagreed and pretty much told me I was going to hell. It was a load to carry but I carried it and I have no regrets in being the voice for this cause.

 

K: To be the voice for assisted suicide, I wouldn’t think would be an easy task but you carried yourself so beautifully and so gracefully. I had no idea you were struggling with it.

 

B: The struggle was more in the personal conversations sometimes. My husband knew that I was sick and dying but sometimes forming and engaging in those conversations was scary. We married thinking we would have forever and a family and it didn’t turn into that. It created a lot of feelings that needed to be discussed but in a way, we were both wanting to run away and hide from those talks because we didn’t want to feel like we were gypped out of a happily ever after. With my mom, she was losing her daughter and it wasn’t easy to look at that. Parents are supposed to go first and it was very difficult to come to terms with the fact that it wasn’t going to happen that way.

 

 

She talks a lot with her hands, making points by lightly slapping them together on her lap or tapping her fingers together. She’s very well spoken.

 

 

K: So the communication with those in your life was difficult.

 

B: Yes. It was difficult but I needed to talk it out. I needed to them to tell me how they felt and how this was also affecting them. I didn’t want anything to go unsaid.

 

K: I think that’s very very important and I’m really glad that you got that opportunity. Would you say that you and your loved ones got some sort of closure before you died because you were capable of providing that to them?

 

B: They provided it to me as well. I didn’t want to leave this earth without saying everything I needed to say and hearing everything that they wanted me to hear. It went both ways and I think, even though it was my illness and my death, it was very important to allow those around me to share with me how they felt because we were important to each other and, in a way, my struggles were theirs as well; especially my husband’s. (Dan)

 

K: You loved life. You traveled and you taught disadvantaged children. Did you ever think that you would settle down?

 

B: (grins) I was surprised. I think Dan was surprised but it was really love at first sight and I never wanted to stop travelling and so I shared that passion with him and it grew to be our passion.

 

K: You had a bucket list?

 

B: I did. I had a travel bucket list and I’m pretty proud of myself for seeing as much as I was blessed to. The world is a beautiful and wondrous place and needs to be appreciated and experienced in person. Even if someone travels to a nearby place, it’s still seeing something new and experiencing what that small piece of the world has to offer.

 

K: When you got your diagnosis, I think you were starting to settle down and have a family of your own.

 

B: Yes. We were ready but then I started getting weird sensations and head things going on and just feeling…I guess different. Something wasn’t right. So I got checked out, got the diagnosis and took steps to heal that. I thought I was good. I was hopeful that I was good but I wasn’t.

 

K: When did you decide to move?

 

B: It was a decision that was made by Dan and myself. We researched where I could go get the care I needed in the circumstance of ending my own life legally because the outcome was that. It was death and the process of that death was very very scary and ugly. I made a promise to myself that I would live…really live until the day that I couldn’t live any longer. I was very lucky to have my husband and the support he offered me. It was very painful for him to know what I was going through and my ultimate decision. I don’t think he could understand all that I was going through or all that I worked for but his support meant a lot and gave me the strength to continue my fight; my fight with my health and my fight with my own death.

 

K: You moved to a State where it was legal. Why did you create the movement? Because it was good for you.

 

B: Because I really shouldn’t have had to move to another State to be able to make that kind of choice. It bothered me that here are people living with terrible disease and illness; having to suffer through them while others outside of them take that piece of their voice, their heart and their personal power away. I was lucky enough to be able to keep that for myself but there are many out there that can’t. Living and dying are personal. It is not a choice of someone outside of anyone. It is a choice of a person and when sick and when dealing with such debilitation, it’s an easy choice for some. I understand that it’s not so easy for others because of belief or that they were given this as some sort of lesson. That’s okay because it is all very personal. I just wanted to share that awareness. My life, my body, my illness was ultimately mine. It was my choice. It’s everyone’s choice. I made the choice that was right for me at that time. A different time and place, maybe I would have suffered through it but in that moment it was what I wanted to do.

 

K: Some would say that you paved the way for suicide to be okay and an easy way out of something that you were given to take with you until you died naturally. Thoughts?

 

B: It wasn’t my intention to…how do I put this. Suicide is not an easy decision. It wasn’t for me but I was an advocate for assisted death. There are steps to take to get the support of the medical community. It was not my intention to put the message in the minds of people that when life gets tough just end it all. That wasn’t my message at all. Before I got sick, I chose life and I lived life like I could be gone tomorrow. During my illness I was still an advocate for life. I didn’t want to die. I loved my life. I loved my husband, I had a wonderful mother. I had great friends and I loved the world. I did not want to leave. As the eventuality of my death became clearer I was an advocate for assisted death. Being aware of the choice, being aware of how it affects those around you and that communication is so very important when making these types of decisions. It wasn’t a secret decision that I would just go off by myself and take a bunch of pills just to end whatever suffering I was going through. This was an informed choice for all parties but especially for me.

 

K: Did your doctors tell you about the process of death this cancer would take before you decided on the assisted death?

 

B: Oh yes. I knew the cancer inside and out and how it ate away at me. I took the steps to try and heal. I did all that was required of me in those ways but when you hear stage four…there’s a lot of things that go through your mind and a lot of it is scary because this cancer can be ruthless. It doesn’t always have to be pain but the way it eats away at function and ability…it’s a nightmare. Everyone should be able to wake up from a nightmare.

 

K: Assisted Suicide or Assisted Death?

 

B: It’s the same. I preferred the term assisted death but I did commit suicide. Potato Potatoe.

 

K: Were you able to see, after your physical death, the outcome of that decision? Were you okay with seeing that, how that act impacted those lives around you and those lives that followed you?

 

B: Yes. I was able to see all sides. What I was proud of was actually going through with it, voicing my rights and being heard. Whether people agreed with me or not wasn’t the issue. I took it upon myself to be a voice for hundreds, if not thousands, for the right to die on my own terms and in my own time. I was facing death. The road was hard. I had my suffering. People think that I took the easy way out but I suffered because I wanted to live on to create a movement and create thought. Whatever came out of that, I’m happy about and I’m thrilled it’s still discussed after my death.

 

K: How do you look at your death?

 

B: (I hear giggling) As a speedy recovery.

 

K: That’s cool. I like that. So, your story is being made into a movie. Your story has been published through your mom’s eyes as a book. Are you okay with that?

 

B: Yes. I’m okay. I know there have been some disagreements and maybe a little judgment towards those choices or maybe how my mom decided to tell the story but you know what, it was her story to tell. My story was done. If it gave people some understanding or some sort of idea as to what we all went through, then I’m okay with that.

 

K: Who did you confide in more? Your mother or your husband in regards to your life, death and after.

 

B: As close as I was with my mother, there are certain things that only a husband can hear. He was my best friend. He lived with me and cared for me every day. He witnessed my struggles; all of them. I told him a lot that I could only tell my most intimate confident. I created a life with him. At the moment of my death, he knew me the best and I trusted him to take my mission and my story knowing that it would have integrity and truth. I trust him with his endeavors in regards to where this is taking him. I’m proud of his strength and his determination. My battle has become his. I don’t think I ever intended for him to carry it on as much as he has but I can honestly say I love him so much for doing so. It’s a topic of discussion and a topic of…choice that can’t be hidden anymore. Even in regards to suicide in general. Yes. I do feel, very much, that suicide prevention and awareness needs to be worked at dutifully. I believe in mental health advocacy and that it’s not something to be ashamed of and it is happening more and more but there are resources that can be tried. I understand that people go through very difficult times but there is help. Mental health is not something of shame. For those people who feel like giving up because they don’t want to fight their minds anymore…there is help. I advocate life; living a full life and reaching out to those that can help with that. My cause was because of my physical pain and suffering. I was lucky that mentally and emotionally…I was well taken care of.

 

K: You lived longer than your doctors thought you would? Why do you think that is?

 

B: I had a lot to live for. Not to sound full of myself or anything but I did have a pretty good attitude and I had so much support.

 

K: You had a date picked out but was it harder and harder to get to that date?

 

B: In some ways. Once my health began to deteriorate, it did so very quickly, but I still had lots I wanted to achieve. I had goals and that’s what kept me going.

 

K: Didn’t the date change?

 

B: I had lots of dates and they would change because I didn’t feel like it was time yet.

 

K: When did you know it was coming?

 

B: I had a lot of family come to me through dreams. There was always a feeling that when I woke up, it would feel like it would be that day or not.

 

K: And the day you decided to leave?

 

B: There was a tangible shift for me. I could feel that there…the only way that I could describe it was there was an opening and a feeling of Okay. It’s okay. Come home. The world around me…the feeling of the world around me changed. I woke up knowing that I was already going.

 

K: Were you scared?

 

B: No. There was a personal feeling of anticipation. I knew that things were taken care of and that they would always be. I had those tough conversations and I was really okay with where I was going.

 

K: Did you have a knowing that it wasn’t an end? Now I’m putting words in your mouth but did you consider a heaven?

 

B: I believed that I would go to a place that I would have no suffering because I asked to go to a place where I could be whole again. I didn’t know where that was. I just wanted to feel alive.

 

K: And how do you feel?

 

B: I feel all of me. There’s so much that I have experienced in this journey. Some people think that the physical death has lessons. That the natural, I guess, process is what you came to experience. I understood that my process was different. What I came to do was to create a thought and open discussion and have strong ideas and to share them. I didn’t know it would be about assisted death but that’s what it was. The way my physical death happened was the way it was meant to. It was the path leading up to that day that I was to live and experience. I did and I’m happy with that experience.

 

K: Is there anything that you would change?

 

B: Ummm…no. (shakes her head a little) I don’t think so. I know now that my life was what it was.

 

K: Did you ever go through the emotions of anger or this isn’t fair? Feelings like this?

 

B: Oh yes. When I got the diagnosis I cried a lot. Sometimes so people could see but a lot of times alone. I did question why me. Why, at not even thirty, was I handed this fate. I found a husband, I had a wonderful life so I did do the why me thing. I had a choice. I could live in that and experience only that or I could use that and be the change I wanted to see. Who was that? Gandhi?

 

K: I think so. My aunt had Lou Gehrig’s disease. She fell ill and quite ill very fast. I often wondered, if available, if she would have considered it and as I ask that I hear no.

 

B: It is so personal. Death is so personal and there is a lot involved in that choice when you are aware of that. I just didn’t want someone who I didn’t know; a complete stranger, making that decision for me. I wanted that freedom for me. It’s spreading; self-awareness, self-knowledge…it’s all spreading. It’s courageous to look at yourself and know that we have the power to make so many choices in our lives especially in regards to our lives; our physical lives. There’s always that phrase in the back of my mind about taking back power or don’t give it away. I took that and ran with it, I guess. It was in those dying with dignity kind of ways but that’s how it presented itself to me. It’s different for everyone but that was my story.

 

K: That day that you decided was the day. Did you feel kind of like an invitation?

 

B: Yes. I’m kind of invading your space and I see the morning your son was born. You were to have a C-section but you went into labor anyway. He was meant to be born on that day by any means. I was meant to die that day by any means. I just took control over it.

 

K: It’s not a decision that’s for everyone and there is a lot of judgement around it. Is that just misinformation?

 

B: Yes and it’s an unwillingness to see things differently. It’s an unwillingness to understand the suffering that someone is going through. Not that anyone could completely understand it but even opening up questions about it. There is a lack of communication about facts because of beliefs. I presented facts to go with my beliefs, me being the ultimate example. I didn’t intend to be a voice for every single person living with debilitation. My intention was to tell my story and through my story make change. The snowball effect has been amazing and I’m pretty proud that I didn’t stand down in the face of judgement or criticism but held my own. I had the support but it was me that refused to back down.

 

K: I’m pretty proud of you too. In general, I think that’s a great way to be. Congratulations.

 

B: Thank you.

 

K: Is there anything you would like to say to those that read this, who are curious about how you are now?

 

B: (Her eyes just sparkle when she smiles. She is unbelievably beautiful.) I’m healed. I’m me again. I have no pain and I have so much joy. I love my life. I love who I am again. There were times that the cancer made me unrecognizable to me. I didn’t like to look in the mirror because the person staring back at me I didn’t know. I had to constantly strive to go inward and still realize that even though my body was falling apart, I was still me. I can say that now. I am me. I’m me more than ever and I’m enjoying it. I’m happy.

 

K: You look incredibly happy. Even in the interviews where you were obviously having a hard time, you were still incredibly beautiful. You’re an angel.

 

B: (nods shyly) Thank you. Thank you so much. This was….relieving. To be able to share this with an open mind is really cool. I’m really grateful you saw me.

 

K: And I’m really grateful that you came. Thank you, beauty. I’ll share your words.

 

B: Please. I’m so grateful. Thank you.

 

 

Uncrosses her legs and blows me lots of kiss. She waves, turns and is gone. Empty couch. God she has great hair!

 

 

 

Conversations with Paul Walker – Dreaming, Prediction, Integrity and Choice

 

November 2, 2016

 

 

Apparently there’s this song that was written for Paul by Wiz Khalifa. I didn’t know that. My buddy, Leanne, enlightened me to that a while ago. Since I got up this morning it has been playing on radios nonstop. It’s like that phone that won’t stop ringing. These topics, although they could go on and on and on, are just touched on and are influenced by topics that my soul sista, Sharon, and I were discussing yesterday.

 

 

K: Okay. Go.

 

P: Go? I just got here.

 

K: Are you being funny today?

 

P: I’m in a good mood. How are you Kim?

 

K: I’m feeling bagged today but I’m good.

 

P: You should be feeling tired. Hey, I just wanted to say last night was fun. We should do it again.

 

K: See, you keep saying that and I have no clue what the hell you’re talking about.

 

P: Good because you probably don’t want to remember.

 

K: Remember what?

 

P: Dreams? Rooftops?

 

K: You are so having me on right now. It’s been since, like, six.

 

P: You’re right. I’m playing with you. Better get that.

 

 

My phone keeps going off

 

 

K: Sue me. I’m a popular gal. But we have done the dream thing a couple of times. Barely remember it but it’s happened.

 

P: It has. That’s the cool thing with dreams. We can just slip in there and no one…well some do, but no one is any the wiser because they just think it’s because of a show or a book or something someone said during the day but all that’s just an invitation.

 

K: What about lucid dreaming? What do you think of those kinds of things? And that astral travel stuff?

 

P: (nodding) It’s great for the people that can actually do it but it’s hard to detach in those ways; especially for the virgins (lucid dreaming/astral travel) out there. It’s doable. It’s just getting over those nervous thoughts that something bad could happen and it’s knowing when you’re actually controlling the dream or controlling where you go.

 

K: Is it simple for some because of connection or is it just…like someone can cook and another can bake; same concept just different ways of going about it and completion.

 

P: Yeah. That’s a way to look at it. But, it’s like, even when you’re dreaming, whatever you remember is placed there as symbolism but you are going places. People are getting out of their bodies and travelling. Just, some don’t want to actually control it or remember.

 

K: But people could remember if they wanted to.

 

P: It’s a training thing. You have to train yourself to remember. That’s why you always hear people say keep a dream journal. Stuff like that.

 

K: I never got that. That is the last thing I want to do. Is wake up and immediately start writing stuff down. I’m barely there to begin with. I probably couldn’t hold a pen.

 

P: You’re probably right.

 

K: You’ve been a real heart squeeze today. Feeling sweet today?

 

P: (grins) I’m always sweet.

 

K: (silence on purpose)

 

P: Your silence is a little insulting, Kim.

 

K: You are very sweet. Sorry. Yes. You have always been that way unless you have your shorts in knot about something or you want to express something you’re really passionate about it. Then it’s hard to keep up.

 

P: That’s fair. Cool. So what’s today Kim?

 

K: Well, I don’t know. What do you feel like doing?

 

P: There’s too much.

 

K: Okay, predictions for 2017, integrity or choice. Choice was Sharon’s idea by the way.

 

P: Oh, hey. That was really cool that you allowed me to do that email thing. That was awesome. I could get used to that.

 

K: Because you get hung up on control?

 

P: Never. Because it was like this awesome team effort.

 

K: You told me to stay in my happy place. You kind of took over. There’s no I in team Paul.

 

P: Now who’s giving who a hard time?

 

K: Totally me. You know I’m just playing with you. It’s been great working in these ways with everyone.

 

P: We can’t fool each other. There’s no way. Especially you with me. I can read minds now.

 

K: Great. So what am I thinking?

 

P: Too much.

 

K: People are going to get bored with this.

 

P: Okay. Let’s…what do you mean you want predictions for 2017?

 

K: Yeah. Sharon and I were emailing yesterday that it was a one year coming up in 2017 and we’re excited because new beginnings and stuff. Thoughts?

 

P: So you want me to tell you what’s going to happen?

 

K: I know you can’t predict but do you see new stuff for people?

 

P: Uh…(groans) There’s going to be a huge acceptance of what was and over. That’s a big one and you’re seeing it a lot. There’s people that are having no choice but to let go of what’s not jiving with them anymore and I think there’s going to be a lot of peace made with that. I think that those people who’ve lost someone, whether it be while alive or through death, I think there’s going to be some closure so they can move on. I think there’s a lot that settling right now and it’s only going to be more pronounced in the next few months.

 

K: That’s cool.

 

P: Yeah. It’s good.

 

K: What about in regards to world events.

 

P: See, here’s the thing. The date on the calendar doesn’t exactly mean that everything’s going to be new and clean starting January 1, 2017. It doesn’t work that way. If it did, we wouldn’t be experiencing things as they are now.

 

K: But it does have some influence; the one year I mean.

 

P: All numerical numbers have meaning but there’s also personal dates as well that kind of play into that whole free will thing. I think… just have the intention to go into a new year with a clean slate. Whatever happened the last year stays there and, yeah, there are a lot of people that do that and it’s a good thing. It just makes room for good things to happen or, even if people don’t consider that things are good, just going in and looking at it like it had to happen that way because look how far I’ve come or look what I’ve gained. I think just taking that positive outlook on New Year’s, whether you celebrate it January 1st or on a birthday, is really important.

 

K: What about all those people that get New Year’s readings?

 

P: Well, if it gives them an idea of a direction there’s nothing wrong _]with that. If it gives them some sort of an idea. I mean, a person can sit with someone and get guidance but it’s up to that person to actually take it and use it. If not, well…[_(tosses hands up into the air) Predictions are based on the work that a person is willing to do. Yeah, sometimes things can fall from the sky into the arms but for the most part, you want to create it, then create it.

 

K: I would have to agree but I still kind of like the future being whispered.

 

P: I know you do. It’s an addiction with you.

 

K: Why? Wouldn’t it be a good thing to prepare for an outcome?

 

P: But outcome isn’t always going to happen 100% the way someone says it will unless you work toward it. A person can tell you all that you want or don’t want to hear. That’s fine. Take it as a clue but solve your part on your own. Rely on that instinct and that inner voice that speaks to you all the time. Everyone has it. It’s one of those things that’s kind of ignored.

 

 

Leans back and places his head in the space between the pointer finger and thumb of his left hand.

 

 

P: So there you go. My predictions.

 

K: Same shit different day?

 

P: Not exactly. I just think that looking at a date on a calendar isn’t going to be the start of a new whatever until you actually decide to do it. Simply put.

 

K: Sometimes you can be so black and white.

 

P: I prefer the gray tones. Although I looked good in white. I didn’t mind white.

 

K: Here we go.

 

P: Sue me. I liked style.

 

K: You also liked comfort.

 

P: I did. What’s next?

 

K: What do you think about integrity?

 

P: Big word.

 

K: Big concept?

 

P: It’s just about truth.

 

K: Yes. That’s it?

 

P: It’s portraying that true…I guess image if you want to call it that. But it’s portraying that You in public that you are in private.

 

K: But it can go deeper than just look or act; even words.

 

P: Absolutely. Advice? Someone asks you for advice? Are you just going to tell them what you feel they want to hear and know in your heart that it’s not what they need to from you? Or are you going to sit with them and really lay it out in the way that you feel. It’s about being a confident to someone and not using it as gossip to others. It’s about practicing those ideas that you preach to people all the time. It’s about going to church or praying to whatever it is you pray to and then after those intimate moments, taking that with you and acting in those ways. Let’s talk about judgement. People can yell and holler and defend those who are being judged, even that person personally but then, half an hour later they’re in their cars and yelling at the person in front of them calling them an asshole for cutting them off. Or, being an advocate for human rights but seeing someone of a different race come towards you in the grocery store and holding on to your purse strings a little tighter. Integrity is showing up how you act in this world. It comes down to being honest with yourself; your beliefs and actions and portraying that.

 

K: Can we just be clear that when you state you it’s in general and you’re not talking about me.

 

P: Relax. People get it.

 

K: Just puttin’ it out there that Paul is not talking about me, personally.

 

P: (grins) I could so throw you under the bus right now.

 

K: I know you could but you won’t.

 

P: Maybe not here…

 

K: Okay. Is that all about integrity?

 

P: I think that it’s a hard thing because there’s always little things that get in the way and you know, this human thing, it’s not the easiest thing in the world. There’s so much coming at a person every single day and consistency can take a lot of effort. But it is doable. You see it. It’s done. It takes practice and it takes catching yourself in those moments that you’re aware that you’re kind of being a hypocrite.

 

K: Even in the smallest of ways.

 

P: Yeah. I think the goal is to catch yourself in the moment and make that slight attitude adjustment. It doesn’t take long before the effect of that is obvious.

 

K: Is that like reaction too? Try to catch it. Like, you’re about to lose it on someone and you feel that feeling and it’s taking that emotional step back and understanding what’s going on?

 

P: Totally.

 

K: Were you a prince at that?

 

P: Not always, no. Prince? Please. I was down home common.

 

K: Down home common? What does that make me?

 

P: This could go either way but I’m sweet today. You’re not common Kim.

 

 

He’s showing me a shiny penny

 

 

K: What’s common anyway if everyone is their own individual person. There’s no common there.

 

P: Corrected. But no, I did consider myself a pretty normal guy with a cool job.

 

K: Did you try to keep it normal?

 

P: I tried. I actually separated those lives a lot just to remain as private as possible. I didn’t want them interwoven because I didn’t want to lose that stability that my personal life gave me.

 

K: Did you practice integrity?

 

P: I had good days and bad days but yeah. I did. You know that saying, to give respect is to get it. To get love is to give it. To give is to receive. Those types of ideas or sayings…I tried to live in those ways and have some fun along the way. What’s life if it isn’t fun?

 

K Agreed. Laugh at least three times a day. It’s a natural antibiotic.

 

P: (smiles) Do you even realize, Kim, how much you laugh in a day? Have you ever counted?

 

K: No.

 

P: It’s a lot.

 

K: That’s good.

 

P: It is.

 

K: So that’s it on integrity?

 

P: In a nut shell, yeah. Unless questions come up but that’s pretty general. I’m good.

 

 

Slaps his knees and straightens.

 

 

K: So we’ve done dreams, a little bit, we’ve done integrity and we’ve given each other a hard time.

 

P: Normal day.

 

K: Do you want to touch on choice?

 

P: Do you want to touch on choice?

 

K: It could be either big or little.

 

P: It’s a choice to talk about choice.

 

K: Would choice be more about outcome?

 

P: Making the choice?

 

K: Deciding on what to do.

 

P: Dwelling on outcome could either be a good thing or a not so good thing.

 

K: Why?

 

P: Depends on how you look at the outcome, Kim. If you’re worried that it’s going to be bad, then a choice will be made in fear, aka running away.

 

K: Do you think people make choices based on the influence around them?

 

P: Absolutely.

 

K: What do you think would happen if people made more choices based on what they felt instead of what they wanted to avoid?

 

P: Yeah, you would see a different world wouldn’t you.

 

K: I think so.

 

P: The thing is though, very few people, when presented a choice, look inside and see how it feels to them. Choices are made with snap decision because there this sense of rush but there isn’t. Sure, you don’t want to take all day making a choice at a restaurant while your friends wait around but with the bigger things, it’s always good to take that step back…I’m always saying that…but take that step back and chew on it for a while.

 

K: You’re showing me a pitcher in a baseball game chewing gum or tobacco.

 

P: Yeah. It’s a good image. You want the cow?

 

K: Too late. You’re faster than me.

 

 

cow chewing cud

 

 

P: That first reaction is just that. It’s a reaction. There’s something to be said about just letting things settle, right. Like just letting that choice or idea hang with you a little bit. Picture yourself in each scenario and see how it feels. Create it then decide to live it.

 

K: A lot of choice does have something to do with another though. Like family or partners. Their choices can affect you and vice versa.

 

P: Yeah. But it’s all about that first reaction. That first flash of either how could you or that’s cool or I need a moment. It’s all due to circumstance. But like integrity, when practiced, it gets faster and faster.

 

K: Would you say that it would be important to think of outcome?

 

P: I think it would be best to weigh all options.

 

K: When being proposed to, though, you know. You know if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. Stuff like that.

 

P: Absolutely. You know but…aren’t there times where a woman is proposed to and it’s this huge show and she feels like she can’t say no but she knows the answer is no. She just says yes to save face. That’s a choice to put herself in that position because she fears saying what she really feels.

 

K: That actually makes me want to ask about the freedom of making a choice.

 

P: In that situation, she’s giving away her freedom to make a choice because she’s giving it away to the situation and to the proposer. In general though, a choice is freedom isn’t it? The pressure from the outside isn’t taking your freedom away. You’re freely handing it over. I guess it kind of has to do with that whole integrity thing again. Walk the walk, choose the choice. Make a decision based on your values and beliefs.

 

K: Some may think that their values and beliefs are the proper way but others might think, what the hell is wrong with them?

 

P: Not everyone is going to align with what another feels or thinks or their behavior. That’s the thing with freedom; free will if you want to call it that, and choice. Not everyone’s going to agree. Now, if you take the time to look at a decision and it’s involving friends and family, then you start thinking, well, what’s the best choice or decision for everyone involved here? That’s the discussion. It’s really time for communicating feelings, desires and needs. That stuff can’t be covered up. It can get pretty lonely keeping that all inside.

 

K: I see that happen. I’ve been there. I’ve had to learn to discuss. So keeping things bottled up…

 

P: It’s another choice. In the city a person lives in or a community someone lives in or a family someone lives with, there is at least one person that can be a sounding board and can give direction. But, in the end, everyone will have their own opinions. It’s just about taking it inside, right. Again, going out to dinner, who has time to sit there and be all how will the steak affect me and will the salad be better. You still have that gut instinct. That’s what it’s there for.

 

K: I didn’t realize how much there was in regards to that little choice word.

 

P: Because there’s a combination of things within that one word. There’s fear, there’s boldness, there’s freedom, there’s integrity, there’s honesty and truth and the opposite as well. There’s all these things and what’s predominant in a lot of cases is how a decision will look. That’s just giving freedom away but you get where I’m going.

 

K: I do because we’re sitting together but not sure if everyone else will. It’s like, speaking with you in spirit to person is a lot different than the words on paper.

 

P: I know, but I’m available for questions. People know that. I’ve been asked. I don’t mind.

 

K: Anything else on choice? Right and wrong?

 

P: Based on personal belief. There’s no right and wrong.

 

K: But to know right you have to know the concept of wrong.

 

P: True but when you get to a place where there’s more understanding of that concept it turns into what’s best.

 

K: Ah. Got it.

 

P: And not just what’s best for everyone around it but what’s best for you. You Kim. What’s best for you?

 

K: We won’t even go there right now. I could get pretty sarcastic.

 

P: Plus, I make it so darn easy for you.

 

K: You do. Did integrity draw you to the roles you played as an actor?

 

P: Oh yeah. I had my limits. If it didn’t sit well with me…I wouldn’t turn it down right away but at least I felt I could express my concerns, whatever they were, and be heard and if it wasn’t for me it wasn’t for me. I got to a place in my life that I felt free to do that. See how I did that. I felt free.

 

K: Where were we?

 

P: In many places. Why is it that we can’t stay on topic? I blame you.

 

K: If I think of something I just have to say it right away or it won’t happen.

 

P: And these are topics that could go on and on right. I mean, we each have our personal views and opinions. I’ve learned differently here and some of it has been new and some of it is what I practiced while alive. There’s been a lot of moments here where I would scratch my head and be like, how come I didn’t think of it that way? Not literally but I think that those light bulb moments just click. Everything makes sense and even though you know when you’re living, you really know here. That’s what I try to give now. I try to give myself in those ways now. Just sharing those light bulbs.

 

K: Pass ‘em around. People enjoy your company.

 

P: Goes both ways. Get going Kim. We’ll talk more later. There’s like this whirlwind around you. I have to say you’re pretty good at focusing on us though.

 

K: See, if I can focus (on Spirit) and still be present in the human state, I should be able to lucid dream and astral travel.

 

P: There’s that should and here’s the thing. I’ll be real simple with you. Regardless if you know or not, you’re doing it. Everyone is.

 

K: But how do you actually be an active participant in Spirit while you’re in this human physical existence.

 

P: The question is, being present so you remember or you’re conscious of the fact while unconscious.

 

K: Something like that.

 

P: Just call us in. We’ll help with that. Trust it. It’s like those trust games that everyone plays. They free fall not knowing of they’ll be caught. We’re never going to let you fall. We’ll help. We won’t wave some wand and you’ll be a Spirit for a few hours with your complete knowledge but we can help in the process.

 

K: Trust in the unseen. Trust in the feel.

 

P: Totally. It’s a choice though.

 

K: Nice one.

 

P: Always. Thanks Kim. Again, really awesome seeing you last night.

 

K: Seriously? You’ve already told me you’re having me on.

 

P: I know. I just like to stir the pot.

 

 

Kisses fingers and offers them

 

 

P: See ya Kim.

 

K: See ya.

 

 

 

Conversations with Benjamin Cole Brown

 

November 7, 2016

 

 

Another one of those chats that I wasn’t sure about. I was sitting in the wee early hours of the morning on Thursday, I believe. I was scrolling through Facebook, answering emails and all that stuff when I came across an article about this guy. I clicked on the link and was amazed, for one, with his photography. I’m a sucker for a good pic. But I was really amazed at what a beautiful person he was. I didn’t know him. I didn’t know his name. I just saw this article and started reading what he was about. I was drawn so strongly to it and I verbally whispered ‘wow’. Then I look up and the man is standing in my dining room. He was very quiet. Didn’t press. He just stood and smiled and then he left. His energy stayed with me as I went about my morning. Then he left but would look in from time to time to see if I was ready or something. Never said anything. He was very polite, unobtrusive, very quiet and patient. Then today, well, he wanted to chat. He’s been with me since I woke up. I really wasn’t sure I wanted to do this because it has been so soon. This is very fresh and there are so many that are left in a state of shock and grief that could never get any answers. It would seem unfair for such a loving man to be taken so ‘early’. And for what? Well, he tells me. He comes telepathically. He sits on a street curb. He’s wearing a white V-neck t-shirt and dark brown cargo pants. He holds his hands together and rubs them together a lot. He’s very well spoken and his conversation runs really smoothly unless he takes a second to gather his thoughts, then he seems to be pretty pensive. He’s very comfortable where he is; sometimes bringing his knees up and sometimes stretching his legs out. I loved his company. He’s very sweet, adorable, humble, on the quiet side and he’s just an example of pure love and acceptance. He’s an angel. Gotta love those angels. Here is my conversation with Benjamin Cole Brown.

 

 

B: Hi ya.

 

K: Hi ya back. How’s things? Things going well over there?

 

B: It’s an adjustment for sure but I’m safe and I’m loved and I’m very cared for so there’s no worries there.

 

K: No. The worries are for those that are missing you and that question of, could he be alive or…there’s just no closure in this type of thing.

 

B: Yeah. I have to agree with that. Any sort of sudden death…it would be difficult for those, that we love, to ever understand that we’re okay because it’s that big question of what happens after that last breath or that last beat of the heart.

 

K: To be honest, I’m not…I’m pretty unsure of those that come to me so soon after they’ve transitioned. I don’t like the word death but you get it.

 

B: (nods) I get it and you probably think that there’s some sort of proper timing in all of this but there’s not. I mean, there was on my part, some things to get reacquainted with but really, things just fall into place so quickly. It’s like we fall back into place.

 

K: That’s pretty cool.

 

B: It’s really amazing. So, can I share it? Can I share how I was introduced to you? Is that okay?

 

K: That’s okay.

 

B: So I’m doing my thing here, getting settled and understanding what all has happened. There’s a process to these things but it just happens so quickly. So, I’m standing here and I see this guy come up to me. He asks me how things are going and I’m honest and say they’re pretty good. There’s lots to learn and he agrees. He holds out his hand and he’s like, I’m Paul. I tell him I’m Benjamin but I go by Cole and he smiles at me like he already knows it. So weird. (shakes his head a little smiling) Then he tells me he has someone that he’d like me to meet and I was like, ‘sure. Where?’. I think it was at that exact moment that you saw my picture come up on that Facebook news feed and you were kind of…you kind of straightened in surprise.

 

K: I did. The only other time that happened was with Anton.

 

B: Then this connect, I guess if you can call it that, happened and I just stood there and you…it was so cool the way you just said ‘Hey Benjamin.’ So that’s how I was introduced to you.

 

K: You guys were on the same humanitarian train.

 

B: I guess we were. The thing is though, I didn’t know how much or how similar we are in that aspect even though we went about it a little differently but it’s great, you know, to see how many of those kinds of people are here and there and even though we have no clue what kind of impact we’re making, we see it here and it really hits you in the heart that yeah, I did make a difference. I was so busy just working and connecting and trying to get things done for others that I really didn’t realize the impact that all of that had.

 

K: You must have had some clue though. I mean, to actually build and connect and deliver and just hold someone, you must have known the impact of what you did and how much you were loved for it.

 

B: I would have to honestly say that if I knew the impact… and I did somewhat, but if I knew the impact like I do now…It was what I loved to do and if you’re helping someone and it’s what you love to do you just keep giving of yourself in those ways without looking at what I was getting in return. I knew what I was getting in return and that was the satisfaction that a child would have food and school supplies or a mother had a house to keep her kids in or a father had some sort of income to put food on a table. That was my drive. That was why I did it. I never thought about what I could gain out of it. It was all about what can I give to these people who have nothing and I have so much. We all have so much to give.

 

K: I can feel your passion about it.

 

B: I looked at my life as an opportunity to give that back. It was never about what it could do for me. After seeing so much in my travels it really hit me hard that there are so many people that need so much, even if it’s just time or a chance to talk or a chance to share their stories.

 

K: Did you travel a lot?

 

B: I did.

 

K: And what did you see on your travels?

 

B: I saw a beautiful world. Landscapes can be so incredibly amazing and humbling to be a part of. I felt very humble to be a part of this earth and to experience it through whatever or wherever I was. I used a camera as a chance to share the world. I took pictures to share the experience with people that would never have the opportunity to see outside of their little community or town and I took the pictures so I could always hold those experiences within me because I lived it and every moment that I lived those experiences it shaped me into who I am and what I could give back. I would never trade that. You know, this world, when you look around, there is so much beauty and I could see that in all places. Where the true beauty existed for me was in the eyes of the people. In those faces that stared at me from their point of view and so many faces were living in circumstances that didn’t have to be. It was a realization for me that no one has to live without. Everyone can live with and that’s what I wanted to be a part of. To allow so many the chance to experience having…even those basic needs met. I wanted to be a part of that.

 

K: Why were you so drawn to Haiti and the Dominican?

 

B: The devastation that they endured and still endure after horrible tragedy. It just drew me and I knew I could be a part of whatever healing we could provide.

 

K: You mean your organization?

 

B: Yes.

 

K: What are your thoughts on the dangers or the crime? Did it ever worry you? When I travelled some would say stay on the resort. It’s safest in the resort.

 

B: Well, it’s true but you’re kind of like me where you need to experience the place and not the buildings and what you can be served.

 

K: It’s true. I do like to experience the culture of the place and not just what I can do at a hotel.

 

B: The crime was there. Of course it was there. But you take away Canada’s resources and comfort and you would see the same there. It’s out of desperation. It’s out of the fact that they don’t have the education systems or the community support that can lift these people towards a sustainable way of life. I would see so many people crammed into a jail cell with nothing and some of them were only in there because they were caught stealing necessities to provide a meal. It’s these kinds of things. People’s tempers get heated out of desperation. There’s anger there. I only wanted to soothe that a little bit. Maybe bring some relief in ways that I could. I just wanted to provide what I could to make those days a little easier for people.

 

K: I saw the WestJet thing for Christmas. Of course I cried. That must have been so amazing to be a part of something so big in those ways.

 

B: It was amazing and it was actually pretty amazing that we pulled it off but why wouldn’t we when you just see the looks on the volunteer’s faces that could play Santa and just bring that joy to those families. It’s like, we literally had to hold them back from starting too soon because it had to go off so smoothly but everyone was just so gung ho about accomplishing this really big dream come true. It was really amazing. The smiles and the joy on those people’s faces were incredible.

 

K: What did they think of playing in the snow?

 

B: Are you kidding me? It was amazing and even though I know snow, it was amazing for me too. Snow? In the Caribbean? It was pretty fun.

 

K: And the Boston Pizza thing with building houses. To know a family will be safe and dry. What was that like to receive the support from them and so many volunteers in those ways?

 

B: In some ways it was more heartening than just one Christmas day because we wanted to do something that could be sustainable and last for years so those worries, for those families, could be eased. It’s really a worry for these mothers (to think) where their kids will sleep and be housed. Are they going to be warm and dry even in the simple circumstance of rain? Those sustainable projects really did mean the most to me. The work that we did with creating jobs out of making things like bags or wallets, whatever someone could stitch together…it created a sustainable income for those people to produce more of what they were good at making to exchange for the money that would bring peace of mind. Those people are really creative and want to create and show what they can do and they only need one person to recognize the potential of those things and to get some sort of ball rolling.

 

K: Did you always share your thoughts and passions so freely or…you feel very humble to me.

 

B: I wasn’t a bragger. No. Because it wasn’t about me. It was about what I could do and how much I could (do).

 

K: When was enough enough for you?

 

B: It was never enough. It would be enough when everyone had a home, meals, schooling for their children, days off. A day of rest is so