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Bits-O-Me 1

 

BITS-O-ME

NUMBER ONE

 

by

Darrel D. Miller

 

Shakespir EDITION

 

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PUBLISHED BY:

Darrel D. Miller on Shakespir

 

Bits-O-Me

Number One

Copyright © 2015 by Darrel D. Miller

 

Shakespir Edition Notes

 

Short Thoughts from a Short Person. A lot of silly, a bit serious. Enjoy!

***

 

TEDDY BEAR CLINIC

 

You try to prepare your kids for life. With all its bumps and bruises. If you are prepared for something it makes it easier to deal with. An ad ran on the radio for a Teddy Bear clinic at a local hospital. Kids could bring their stuffed animals to the clinic. I presume it was to prepare children for a trip to the hospital. Familiar things rarely scare us. We know what to expect. I can see what they wanted to do, and I couldn’t help imagining how it would play out.

 

I figure this is for the child that lost someone, or had an other wise traumatic experience at the hospital, but it would work with any child.

 

A Dad would take his kid. They park. They walk into the clinic. The dad says something like, “Wow, it sure is a zoo!” No one laughs. They set down. The dad checks in. The kid selects a seat, sits down, and tightly held his teddy bear.

 

An hour later a nurse comes out to call for them. They go back to the waiting room. The nurse takes the teddy bear’s vital stats. Smiles pleasantly and leaves. Another hour passes and the doctor comes into the room. He talks with them politely for a few moments. He puts the Teddy Bear up on the examination table. He presses, prods, and pokes. The teddy bear makes no reply. The father and son watch on as the doctor reassuringly explains what he is doing.

 

The doctor stops. Presses on the Teddy Bear again, and again. His brow furrows. He politely excuses himself. He returns with another doctor. Their tone is a bit elevated, the volume a bit louder. The second doctor spins and hits an emergency button.

 

A nurse and a gurney arrive seconds later. The doctors heft the teddy bear on to it, and race down the hall. The nurse shuttles the father and son to room beside the ER. They can see the doctors working on teddy bear. People rush around. A difib machine is fired up. They give the bear a shock, even in this room you can smell the burnt fur. The doctors briefly fight about what to do next. The get out the scalpel. They start chopping, pieces fly. The doctors shake their heads.

 

A nurse comes up to the viewing window. The father and son stare on, the nurse presses the “speak” button. “Sir, the bear isn’t going to make it. We suggest a death with dignity.”

 

The father replies, “But I thought Physician Assisted suicide was illegal in this state.”

 

“It is, that’s why we’ve brought in a hunter, plus he’s a dentist”

 

A loud pop, as the dentist dignifies the death of the teddy bear.

 

The father and son are escorted out viewing room to a waiting room.

 

Another hour later the doctor emerges, fur soaked, and sorrowful. “We did all we could. Here are his ashes.” They are in a Ziploc bag. The father and son get up to leave, “Just remember, losing a real loved one feels like 200 times worse than this. I hope you had a good time. I hope you come back soon. I know you will.” and the doctor looked knowingly at the dad.

 

As they walked towards the entrance a bright secretary rushed up to them, “Hey you almost forgot this.” She handed them a bill.

 

That is how i think a Teddy Bear Clinic should work. It would be a reality check for sure.

 

TOAST

 

I like to eat. I like to eat out. The one food I would not want to order out is toast. And yet there are restaurants that specialize in toast. That’s bread + heat + topping. That is the toast I am talking about. Not exactly a recipe that you are going to find in your grandmother’s beat up binder of favorite recipes. Its not even a recipe.

 

These places have catchy names like Toast of the Town, Toasted (which could double as a bar), and Toast Masters. Although in that last one before you get any toast you have to give a speech. The curious thing to me is how did this come about; Two guys, a dream, and a toaster? One guy probably said to the other guy, “Hey we want to cook for people, but we don’t want to go to school, or take the time to learn how to cook. What can we cook that fits that criteria?” Their two choices were toast or water.

 

Although if you wanted to get into the fast food game you couldn’t do any worse than toast. Its like the epitome of fast food – not counting pop tarts – which I do not since they are not food. Of course even that would not be fast enough for some folks prompting the exclamation “How long does it take to fucking toast bread!” And that would not be an invalid complaint in this case.

 

At the office it would be a pain to order toast, worse than bagels or donuts. : “That’s three white breads, one with peanut butter, one with honey, one with both. Then 2 wheats with jelly. A rye with butter. And Joe just wants sourdough, nothing on it.” I guess toast is popular with people who don’t have toasters, like at the polar ice yarmulke’s – no longer caps, they are shrinking.

 

FLY INSOMNIA

 

Science now reports that flies have insomnia. They can’t sleep either, its not just us humans! And the causes are similar: stress about their kids – all million of them, the bills – and how much their spouse is spending, and their career – you can only have one with a life span of a few days. Besides their jobs are really shitty.

 

You think being awake for a couple of days sucks, try it for your whole life. You think you were a grouch before, no wonder flies are major assholes, they are very tired. It also explains why they fly like they do. Its been known for a long time now that driving sleepy is as bad as driving drunk. And these flies are flying. That has got to be a lot more dangerous.

 

Of course the main reason these tests are going on is to help us understand insomnia in humans. They have been able to prove that insomnia is genetic. I could have told them that. My dad has insomnia and so do I and all of my brothers. When we were kids dad would wake up around 2am, go down to his study – which was next to my bedroom – turn on some KISS and use power tools. I am not a scientist, but I am sure this is totally genetic works. Alright alright, you caught me, I exaggerated that last part, Dad got up at 2:30am.

 

JUICY

 

Gilmore Girls is on Netflix and I decided to re watch it. In one episode the main character is wearing sweat pants with the word “Juicy” on the butt. I’d forgotten about this phenomenon, but did not forget I was never a fan.

 

And it is not because I am not a fan of words, or butts. I like both. And you can appreciate the honesty of someone wearing those sweat pants because the are advertising the fact that they are talking out of their ass. Which most people do, but deny. Here it was emblazoned for the world to see.

 

No my real problem is the word "juicy" plastered on someone's ass. You see if your ass is juicy, either you have just been working out (which is untrue if you are in fact wearing sweat pants) or you have diarrhea. The first one I may not mind, especially if you are getting sweaty with me, but the second one, is well -there is no delicate way to put this - its a turn off.

 

Just like in real estate, location is everything. Maybe, if you wanted to have juicy on your sweat pants, you should turn those pants around. There “juicy” has a much better chance of meaning something not as disgusting. Sure it could mean incontinence, but not unless you are over 60, in which case I am not interested in you, or your sweat pants.

 

1 REASON

 

If I had to pick one reason why I am a Christian it would be because of Mark Twain. He once wrote, “Laws are sand, customs are rock.” In other words customs don’t change easy. The way people live tends to stay consistent.

 

And that is precisely what did not happen to the first Christians. Their lives changed. And I don’t mean in that “they had a life changing moment” though no doubt they did. But they on purpose changed their lives, altered their customs, and initiated new behaviors, in response to a new reality.

 

(If you don’t think that is a big deal first consider the customs of Judaism. To this day their traditions sustain them as a people. Think of all the people throughout history who have tried to get rid of them. Its worked beautifully huh? Don’t think for a moment that the pagans were any different. Religion in Rome is not the same species we know today – a serious minority or a only on major holidays majority. Religion then was an economic, sociologic, and political reality. To get an idea of what religion was like, think about the person you know who has absolutely zero interest in sports – they are cut off from a lot of interactions with people.)

 

And that new reality was the Resurrection.

 

At least that is what they tell us. In fact that is the earliest thing we know about Christianity both from the New Testament and non-Biblical sources. Yes the pagans of that era acknowledged this fact. No not the fact of the resurrection, the fact that this is what made the Christians christian. This is the one thing that anyone knew about Christians: They worshiped a dead guy they thought had physically come back to see them after his death.

 

Oh sure you could pawn the resurrection off to delusion or hallucination. But the weakness to that argument is this: none of Jesus’ earliest followers ever expected him to come back physically from the dead.

 

They knew then, as we know now, the dead, stay dead.

 

So I wish to give to Atheists, and anyone that wants it, the tool with which to defeat Christianity and send it, as an old horse, out to pasture – where it no doubt belongs:

 

Kill the Resurrection.

 

Good luck.

 

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NOTE TO THE READER:

Read more of my essays at

https://www.Shakespir.com/profile/view/darrelmiller

 


Bits-O-Me 1

These are a collection of my weekly thoughts smashed all together. They are short thoughts from a short person. Most are silly, some are serious, but all of them have been written by me. Four or Five short essays a week. Enjoy!

  • Author: Darrel Miller
  • Published: 2015-11-15 17:40:06
  • Words: 1847
Bits-O-Me 1 Bits-O-Me 1