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Autobiography Chapter 5...But Is Xavier Still Alive? Or Is He Already Dead? Mere

Autobiography Chapter 5…But Is Xavier Still Alive? Or Is He Already Dead? Merely Living Within the Head?

By

Xavier Cockroachal Damon

Copyright 2015-Xavier Cockroachal Damon

Visit my website at: http://www.xaviercockroachal.com

From a life that has known only hell. Now have a new story tell. But the story has actually always been the same. In life’s mindfucked stupid game. Truth is delusion, delusion is lies. Kingdoms of nothing, pitiful cries. Dreams are but the echoes of hope as it lies. Insanity, reality, as a dream dies. Painted a few pretty pictures to throw off track but hell is all there ever was and hell now is back. The re-birth of demise. A world of dreams that fade away. Behind crying eyes…

Or…

Did the worst detective team in the history of the planet Solve their next case?…

How have I been you ask?

Idiot, Moron, dudes, said I was done with you in Autobiography after two. Been…Mind fucked shitty. Hellacious, crapathon it does carry on.

And so it ends…Re-birth of death bathed in lies. Nightmares of insanity cries.

How have I been you ask?

O.k., Idiot, Moron, think we need a fuckin tutorial. Two words. Try and follow. Mindfucked shitty! Mindfucked shitty! Mindfucked shitty! Mindfucked shitty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have not been well. Forever in hell. Delusions, illusions, are dreams and lies for he already dead behind the eyes, God looks down, shrugs and sighs, for the fool did not realize, he always did epitomize the makings of a moron clown. Morbid jester in a burning town…

It was always coming down…

Or…Did maybe, possibly, the worst detective team in all of creation solve their next case?…

The case of the…

Tossed into the endless spinning void of dissolution, no absolution, blood streaming crawl, no resolution, soul demon prostitution of rape, no escape, from a brutal hell that makes the past stories I used to tell, look like happy childhood nursery rhymes. The 10,000 times over serenade of mindfucked times. Life’s ever horrific unspeakable crimes…

It was always coming down…

How have I been you ask?…

Look, Idiot, Moron, remember what I said in the earlier autobiography about you giving stupidifications a new meaning? Well now you’re giving, oh motherfuckers you’ve got to be motherfuckin kidding me you stupid motherfuckin motherfuckers of stupidified stupidifications a new name!…

Um…

Maybe, considering the name, that’s not such a bad idea actually to change it. So I’ll let it go…

Dumbass douches!

Anyway…

We are all just ghosts wandering a wasteland…Dreaming of the lives we wish we could have…Do not kid yourself…If you are reading this…You’re reading it in hell…

But…

But…What of our second case?

Our second case. It was the case…Of…What the hell happe…ned…to the missing moo shu vegetable platter?

Look , all of you, I told you, when recounting our first mystery case “The Mystery Of The Missing Socks” that we, the worst detective team in history were also partakers in the most inane mystery cases in history so shut up.

Idiot, Moron, you shut the fuck up too!

The case…It continues…Or does it all end?

Disaster is the endgame of dreams, apocalyptic screams, infinity decay, as everything goes away…

You think you know what you think you know and you do know what you know but…what does it fuckin matter, life will continue to batter, dreams splatter, firing squad at the wall, pits of hell forever call, trapped in the eternal fall, another swing by the wrecking ball. Life.

Or…

Might the worst detective team in history solve The Case…Of…What The Hell Happened To The missing Moo Shu Vegetable Platter?…

O.k., there was a moo shu vegetable platter, but then…the moo shu vegetable platter was no longer there…So what happened to the moo shu vegetable platter?…Mel offered the suggestion that it was just eaten by someone but this suggestion was dismissed by the rest of the team, me and my wife, for that being a ridiculous theory. So then…what did in fact happen to the moo shu vegetable platter?…

The case…It continues…

O.k., a dude ordered a moo shu vegetable platter, but…no one knows what happened to it…

Mel ventured the theory that maybe it was just a wrong delivery and went to a different residence with that person holding onto it, gave it to the person who ordered it and he ate it..

Mel! What the hell! Me and my wife considered the possibility we would have to kick Mel off the mystery team for having such idiotic theories but we backed down, Mel is part of the team. You a good dog Mel, a good dog. You’re still part of the mystery team.

And life is only ever but a dream…

Mel, though, is no longer driver of the mystery van, having crashed it only however many motherfuckinmillionths of times. So now the new driver of the mystery van is my wife. She with whom I shall share my life…

Um…

She crashed the mystery van her first two seconds down the road.

Um…Honey. Not sure you were paying attention to the words the driving instructors did say. But that’s o.k., me forever sweet…

Anyway…

Moo shu, where art you?

You see, someone placed an order for a moo shu vegetable platter, but…the moo shu platter…never arrived.

The plot it be thickening…

Much like the moo shu sauce probably is by this point…

So we were off to begin the case. How would it go? Would we solve it?

Suspense…

To begin our investigation we journeyed to a Chinese restaurant in the area, though it was not the one the moo shu vegetable platter was ordered from.

Um…

The moo shu, pancakes included, but not IHOP, and at the very first stop, first light, my wife, both beautiful and bright, but, um, a hell of a crappy driver, crashed the mystery van into our backup mystery van which we left parked on the street because it seemed clear the mystery van could not hold up forever after Mel’s horrifically awful driving and repeated crashing of it.

Oh shit.

The mystery van now having a cracked axle and three flat tires, we boarded the backup mystery van, off to try and solve…T…h…E…Myst…ERY…Of what the hell happened TO the missing moo shu vegetable platter…

We arrived at the restaurant by taxi. Taxi because, well you can probably figure out the why. We asked them who it was that had ordered the moo shu vegetable platter from the other Chinese restaurant in the area. They said “Fuck off! Why we tell you about competitor deliveries? Besides, there is a ten dollar minimum for answering questions.”

To which I, attempting diplomacy, responded, “Go fuck thyselves motherfuckers! You dumbass douche motherfuckers! Fuck you, you dumbass douche motherfuckin motherfuckers!” At which point they ran at me, shouting various Chinese phrases, with hatchets. Mel? He, well, quite proud of the little guy. He did not join in on the attempted murder of me…Um, he just leapt onto the counter, ate all the chicken lo mein, then in the wonton soup went pee.

Um…

We learned absofuckinlutely nothing, but, on the plus side, we were able to take out ourselves from the restaurant. They of course said there was a ten dollar minimum for doing so. The word motherfuckers used extensively by me. Mel jumping up and eating all the peeking duck, oh what the fuck, them chasing us with hatchets, me and my wife and Mel running away…I shall forever love me sweet…

Anyway…

The case…Oh yes…It carries on…

We decided to journey to the Chinese consulate to see what assistance they could provide for our investigation. We explained the reason for our visit to the head consular. To which he responded “What? Are you fuckin crazy? Um, wait, you are much older now, but…” The look on his face sharpened into anger, “It’s you Cockroachal. You damn bastard! You killed three of our top generals, our two top spies, and twenty-three of our diplomats!”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, motherfucker! I killed three of your top generals, your top two spies, and twenty-three of your fuckin diplomats but we are here about the missing moo shu vegetable platter! So tell me you douche, where the fuck is the missing moo shu vegetable platter you douche!” I, um, somewhat non-diplomatically responded.

We escaped the gunfireathon, the case it continues on…

We also managed to escape the car chase that followed. It was actually quite amazing. My wife’s driving ability had greatly improved. She hugged every turn as the wheels did burn, me giving them, the Chinese consular agents, the finger, screaming “Go fuck thyselves motherfuckers!” out the window, Mel barking at them out the window as I did.

The case…Oh yes, there is more…

We decided to go to the local pizzeria to see if they could provide some assistance. We asked our questions, now deep into our investigation. Their response. “Fuego you, you bastard! There’s a ten dollar minimum for us telling you where the moo shu vegetable platter is!”

My response. “Yeah, you dumbfuck, douchebag motherfuckers, we don’t have ten dollars, we don’t even fuckin have ten motherfuckin cents at this point, so tell me where the hell the motherfuckin moo shu vegetable platter is you douches!”

At which point they all came rushing at me with baseball bats.

Mel, he, well, leapt onto the counter and ate all the chicken parmesan.

At which point, the restaurant employees responded “Hey, little doggie, you eat all our chicken parmesan, now we gotta make more. Geez.” They then turned and walked away to go and make more chicken parmesan, leaving with another comment of “Geez.”

At which point Mel ate all the Gouda cheese.

Um…

The case…continues…

Oh, and I would advise against having the onion soup there, Mel, he, well…

Mel likes Gouda but does not like onions.

Onions, well, have a reason to not like Mel.

But Mel, well, he a good dog. You a good dog Mel.

Mel, you a good dog, that’s all I have to say.

I will forever love me forever sweet…

Anyway…

So where off to now?

There was another Italian restaurant in the area so we all decided to continue our investigation there…

O.k., what in fuckin hell is wrong with us? I mean what in fuckin hell do Italian restaurants have to do with Chinese restaurants except that they are both seemingly competing for takeout king?

What did our journey there bring?

Not much of anything, except that Mel leapt up on the counter, ate all the eggplant parmesan, threw up, then ran over and intentionally peed on the rest of their stock of eggplant parmesan.

Mel, apparently does not like eggplant parmesan.

Oh motherfuckers what the fock.

Anyway…

We ventured to the local Greek restaurant, thinking they might have a clue, of how to, solve, The…M…ystery…Of…what The Hell Happened…to…The Missing…

Moo…shu…Vegetable platter…

O.k., what the fuck were we thinking? It’s a fuckin Greek restaurant. How in fuckin hell would they possibly know anything about a missing order of a moo shu vegetable platter?

“What you want to eat?” so asked the woman behind the counter. “We have many things Greek, we even have, if you want a something different than Greek food, Moo Shu vegetable platter.”

“We’ll take the spinach with feta cheese for my wife and dog, just give me, I don’t know, whatever the fuck is vegan, but please, no olives, I hate olives.” I answered.

We ate and then carried on…To solve…The Myst…ery…oF…What the hell happened to….The missing moo shu vegetable platter.

There was a trendy Tai restaurant in the area. We all figured they might have the answer. So there the three of us ventured, my wife doing a wonderful job of parallel parking, Mel barking ferociously at a particular pitbull he hates as we exited the mystery van, the pitbull scurrying off, whimpering, his owner running with him with consoling words of “It’s o.k. fella, don’t be scared Tarzan.” Then away both the man and Tarzan ran.

The case…Oh yes…Oh yes indeed…There is more of the case to follow…

We ate at the Tai restaurant. Me and my wife both dressed casual. Mel wore an actual tie. Why? Really can’t say. Guess he just felt like dressing up that day. I shall forever love me sweet…

Anyway…

O.k., I’ll be perfectly honest, our reason for going to the Tai restaurant really had nothing to do with the case. We all just never had tried Tai food. It was actually quite good. One of the dishes was actually really spicy. Mel doesn’t like spicy food. He peed in the vat of the remaining, whatever the fuck it’s called. You think I’m going to be able to remember the name of a freakin Tai entrée? But there is more of the story left to say…

Or has all life finally gone away?…

The case…gets a little weird from here.

The three of us, speeding along in the mystery van, away from the coalition of Albanian and Lithuanian and Polish and Russian mobsters, who had all joined forces in their hatred of us because Mel peed on their perogies. Um, we tried to formulate our next step in how…2…solve…the case of what the hell…happened to the misssssing moo shu vegetable platter…

Mel presented the theory that it really could actually have been just a wrong delivery or that the recipient of the order just didn’t answer the bell and knock on the door from the delivery person.

“Mel, what the hell. From the case of the missing moo shu are we going to have to boot you?” so responded me and my wife for Mel postulating such a ridiculous idea. “Mel, are we?” we both then asked, but immediately followed with “No Mel, you a good dog Mel, you’re part of the team.”

The case…continues…

We ventured to the Russian consulate, with the notion that, since the two countries were so often in collusion, maybe they would have the solution, and would know what happened to the missing moo shu vegetable plater. We arrived upon the scene. We began asking questions, notebooks in hand. Their response…”Fuck you Cockroachal! You have some nerve coming here. You killed Gorbachev and Yeltsin!”

To which I replied, “Fuck you, you dumbass motherfuckin motherfuckers! You’re the motherfuckers who paid me to kill them.”

“Oh yeah, good point.” They said. “In that case spasiba. Want some herring and vodka?”

I then shouted, “I’m a vegan you fuckin dumb douche douches! So go fuck thyselves motherfuckers you dumbass douchebag douches!”

Away we raced in the mystery van, my wife doing an amazing job of evading the AK-47 fire, me drinking the bottle of vodka I had stolen, Mel barking at them out the window as I did. We did ultimately get away.

I shall forever love me forever sweet…

Anyway

Time was wearing thin. It was starting to seem we might not ever solve the case. So what to do? What to do? How to solve the case of the missing moo shu?…

We decided to go to the Vietnamese consulate to ask more questions. Our relations with them…they actually went very well. Um…until Mel, what the hell Mel, jumped up on the table and ate almost all of the perogies they were having for lunch.

Um…

The Vietnamese consulate and they’re eating Perogies?

There were still a few perogies left. I looked at Mel and said “Mel, Mel, what did I tell you about not peeing on perogies? Don’t pee on the perogies. Mel, don’t pee on the perogies.”

Mel then peed on the remaining perogies then ran over to the desk in the room, pulled open the drawer with his teeth and peed in it.

Oh Jesus Ganesh Mel.

Oh Jesus Ganel Mel.

Oh what the motherfuckel hell.

Our next stop in the investigation?…We went to the local Mexican restaurant to see if they, could reveal the answer to, t…h…e… c…a…se o…f…WhAt the hell happENeD To THE mISSING moo shu vegetable platter…

So I asked the question to see what light might be revealed.

Their response, “Mira. Madi cohn. In Mexico we don’t ask questions about missing moo shu vegetable platters. And you will not ask us that question if you know what’s good for you. Comprende amigo.” The owner of the restaurant said with a glaring stare.

My response, “Yeah, well we’re not in fuckin Mexico you half-witted douche! We’re in a fuckin Mexican restaurant you dumbass douche!”

“Hey, hey, hey!” one of them responded “Why is the perro peeing on the refried beans!”

“Because they taste like crap. You know what, fuck this. Adios puta madres! We’re out of here. Honey, I’ll get your coat.” At which point I got her coat, stole a bottle of tequila and a corona and me, my wife and Mel calmly walked out the door. Um…And then ran to the mystery van and sped away when we realized the entire restaurant staff were chasing us with cricket sticks. My wife again doing a remarkable job of driving, Mel again barking out the window, me drinking the bottle of tequila, shouting at them “Why the fuck do you have cricket sticks for Christ sake?”

Them shouting back “Because we like cricket you bastard! You got a problem with that?”

My response. “Yeah I got a problem with that. Of all the stupid sports on the planet, cricket is by far the fuckin stupidest. I mean what the fuck are the fuckin fuckers even doing out there?”

“Oh madicohn, you just insulted cricket! Guys, let’s get him!” shouted one of them.

“You’re already chasing after us with your car while shooting at us. That comment was entirely fuckin stupid you douche!” I responded.

“Take back what you said about cricket! Take it back!” shouted another of them while firing a handgun.

“You know what,” I took a long swig of tequila “Fuck this. Adios puta madres!” I turned to my wife, “Honey, let’s blow this joint.” My wife, then accelerated and we sped away.

You know, my wife, Wondrous Woman, has an amazing driving ability to avoid bullets. We must have had several thousand bullets fired at the mystery van at this point and yet not one hit. Wondrous Woman, you one hell of a driver. And so the mystery van lives to see another day.

I will forever love me sweet…

Anyway…The next stop of our investigation?…

We decided to pay a visit to the Japanese consulate. Makes sense doesn’t it. I mean, Chinese, Japanese, both are Asian. Um, Asian countries who pretty much fuckin hate each other of course.

Um…

We asked our questions…

Their response. “What! Get the fuck out of here. We don’t know what happened to the missing moo shu vegetable platter! If you came here asking about missing sushi, then maybe we would listen to you! Get the hell out of our embassy!”

My response, “Look you dumbfuck, fuckhead, douchehead, douches, I know damn well you know what happened to the missing moo shu platter. I know how these things work, some sort of stupid territorial dispute. And so.” I placed both hands on the table, stared at them sternly, then lifted a hand and pointed my finger at them. “Where is the missing moo shu vegetable platter?”

Speeding away in the mystery van, a group from the consulate chasing after us, waving Samurai swords out the window, Mel barking at them out of the window of the mystery van, me drinking the saki I had stolen from the embassy, I shouted back “Douches. Your fuckin swords, what do you possibly think that will accomplish? And by the way, Wondrous Woman is one hell of a driver so you’re never gonna catch us. Honey, let’s blow this joint.”

Our investigation…it was not going well. So what to do to solve the case of the missing moo shu? We convened together for a group meeting of the minds. Our deliberations and discussions lasted several hours. Would we come up with a plan that could solve the case of what the hell happened to the missing moo shu vegetable platter????????…

We did, between all of us, our discussions and, admittedly, somewhat heated deliberations, formulate a new plan, a new course of action…We decided, with a unanimous vote, to go to the restaurant the missing moo shu vegetable platter was actually ordered from.

It was a long shot, we all admitted, had very little chance of success, but all agreed that maybe, possibly, hopefully something could come from it…

So we asked our questions. The response from the woman at the counter…

Suspense

“Oh that moo shu vegetable platter was sent to the wrong address, but when he rang on bell of right person, no one answer, so we left it with other person who gave it to him and he ate it.”

Um…

Mel, what the hell, don’t gloat.

Life has only ever been a lost, forever drifting boat, regardless of words that were wrote, pictures very pretty, but you were only ever lost out on that sea…Dreaming things that would never be…

But as for our next mystery…

The case of the…

To be continued…

 

Also by Xavier Cockroachal Damon:

 

A bunch of different shit that are just screams and dreams in hell. But all are done, all the while, with a smile.

 

[email protected]


Autobiography Chapter 5...But Is Xavier Still Alive? Or Is He Already Dead? Mere

  • Author: Xavier Cockroachal Damon
  • Published: 2015-09-21 23:50:07
  • Words: 3563
Autobiography Chapter 5...But Is Xavier Still Alive? Or Is He Already Dead? Mere Autobiography Chapter 5...But Is Xavier Still Alive? Or Is He Already Dead? Mere