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…and now you want me to do what?...

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FORWARD

If you ever get to Lakewood, Colorado, there is a little Italian restaurant at Jewell and Garrison called Garramone’s. My family has been going there 20 years for the thick, homemade spaghetti and the best meatballs in the Denver metro area. We were celebrating my 51st birthday there and my mom asked me about the containers that I had been storing in her basement. I told her that I thought I had everything out of there except the Christmas decorations. She asked me if I got the box that was in the closet. I told her that I didn’t put a box in the closet, but she insisted that there was one in there.

It’s quite possible that I did put the box in the closet. Two years earlier when I was moving stuff into my mom’s basement, I was close to having a nervous breakdown. My wife, Julie, had just passed away after a short battle with cancer. I decided, hastily, that I could no longer live in the house that we had shared. I decided that it was necessary for my sanity to get out of Colorado. I spent the next 15 months living near the Mississippi River in Iowa.

After moving back to Colorado, I slowly pulled stuff out of the basement as I needed it. One day I had the use of a truck and thought I took everything that was left. My mom was right, I had forgotten a box. In black magic marker, I had written “Julie’s stuff” on it. When I got it home I looked in it and saw a bunch of notebooks, sketch pads, and various memorabilia. It sat on my floor for a week before I decided to look through it. I had never seen anything that was in there. All of that stuff was already in the box when my wife first moved in.

The only time I ever came across the box was the couple of times that we moved. I would ask Julie what was in it, she would say it was school work. I asked her if we could throw it away, but she would never let me. The notebooks were from school, but besides classwork, they contained other writing as well. There were undelivered letters, dreams that she had in the night, rantings and quite a bit of poetry. It was curious, because I don’t recall my wife writing a poem in the six years that we were married. We did art together all the time, so the sketch pads didn’t surprise me.

As I read the poetry and flipped through the sketched pages, I got a little irritated that she never shared this stuff with me when she was alive. I would have loved to have asked her what she was trying to say with a certain poem, or what she was thinking when she sketched out some of the things that she did. After going through everything once, I put the box into the storage area. I found myself thinking about some of the poems that I read.

I started going through the poems again and decided that I really liked her writing. I could hear her voice when I read the words. Her writing didn’t deserve to be in a dark storage space, until one day it just ends up in a dumpster. I wasn’t going to let that happen. What you are about to experience is Julie’s writing and art that had to be liberated from a closet in my mom’s basement.

The art you see is a direct copy of what I found in the sketch pads, they have not been altered at all. As far as the poetry goes, very little editing has been done. I have tried to translate her words exactly as she wrote them. Julie didn’t have the greatest handwriting so there were a handful of times that I had to guess at the word she had written. Other than some work on the photographs, I have tried to be as faithful to Julie’s art as possible.

I can’t say for certain that Julie would approve of me releasing her art to the public, but it wouldn’t be the first time I pissed her off. Since she didn’t share it with me, I have decided to share it with you. I hope you like it as much as I did.

Julie Rene Cason

January 22, 1973 – October 20, 2013

Take some time to wonder why

The time has seemed to

Fly right by

All days and nights

Into one

And the work is never

Done

Be it mundane

Or sometimes a nice

Surprise in their eyes

No time to waste behind

My eyes

To discover

Take some time to wonder why

The time has seemed to

Fly right by

All days and nights

Into one

And the work is never

Done

Be it mundane

Or sometimes a nice

Surprise in their eyes

No time to waste behind

My eyes

To discover

Change the

Name and change

The face even change

The time and place

Do what you will but

It will still be the same

Because you can’t change

The mind in either

Shape or space

Take a look

At the movie playing

Behind your eyes

When they’re closed

And you can’t see

Nothing is easy

And nothing is free

And I’m trying to live

This life

With just me

No guidance

No knowledge

No time

And I’m afraid all

The answers

Aren’t easy to find

But I’m still gonna keep

On taking my time

And let everything

Go here and go there

Til you don’t have a line

To pay for anything for you

To pay me

And then maybe I’ll

Tell you what I

Wanna be

In this life

Under a blanket

Of Sky

Of blue and

Red

Changing

The times of day

Take away the whispers

And the cold dark nights

Smother out the shadows

Touch my soul with light

Take away the whispers

And the cold dark nights

Smother out the shadows

Touch my soul with light

Follow the line

Down one more time

To the place where

The pastures are

Ablaze with fire

So many tales

Still left to tell

Somewhere along the way

To many ears to

Misconstrue every word

Let the confusion among

The little people

Overflow and take

Away from the truth

In the telling

Someday I won’t have

To tell them alone

Because they will

Be part of the past

The characters

Long to

Remember

And not

Forget

A newborn

Hope

Unjaded

By years

A newborn

Hope

Unjaded

By years

Take a long

Ride home after

The race is no longer

A sport and the

Circus is no more

Wander the boardwalk

Take the Ferris wheel til it stops

Way up high make no more

Memories to take a moment

Away from this

So the vision to

Reach your child’s eyes

Will be your vision

On the sky

Making shadows

In the flame

Rise figurines

Playful

Terrible things

Each bears a fuel all its own

And all of them

Crave to roam

Among the peoples

Who have brought

Them to life

Knowing that it will last

Just one night

Their little tirade

And mischief in sight

Well if the

Neighborhood let you in

I might decide to stay

I want to watch you dream

So I can hear you scream

My name inside your head

Only a night ago

Quietly surviving

Only a night ago

Dreaming

Only a dream ago

Shining star

Only a dream ago

Hope

Never again will I go from one bar to another

Until the invading monsters disintegrate me

This is far more beautiful

Here you disintegrate thoughts

The words are like a galaxy

Of thousands and thousands

Of stars all in a row

And you created them all

Yourself they emerge from

Nothingness and obediently

Return to the nothingness

As soon as new words replace them

It is the dance itself

Devouring moons

Swallowing themselves

Whole fattening on it’s

Own absence like a cheesier cat black hole

Beliefs come about

And if two things don’t fit

But you believe both of them

Thinking that somewhere hidden

There must be a

Third thing that ties them together

That’s not cruelly killing curiosity

Not killing it

Keeper of the veil

How do you pretend

If you can’t see the

Fear you guard

Take away all the

Ugly shapes

In my way

Make them go away

Make them go away

Take away all the

Ugly shapes

In my way

Make them go away

Make them go away

Will you

Say a prayer

For me

Or will you hide inside

Your safe, guarded life

No matter what you do

I still

Will do as I please

And hope to catch you

As you pass

Me through the daily grind

And say just once to you

I’m waiting

For you to do what’s right

Oh my, oh my

Take a star from the sky

Make it shine all day

And all night

But keep it out of sight

When the moon is full

Waiting the surf

Subsides

To make an effort

In healing

Oh no home to go to

He thinks he’s going to be

In a show

Of non-affection more

Mental abjection

Until I finally adhere

To be loose of this affectionate

Slap in the face

That is always done with

Absolutely no taste

At least with the one

Who wears this face

Cannot stand it when he plays

This person

I will not give in

I will not lose sight

I will not make everything

For you alright

I will never leave

I will never fade

Until my goal has

Been fulfilled and made

Exactly as I want it to be

I am you

And you are not me

Watchful

Deciding

Exactly what

To share

With you

When their little legs

Start to run

And the embers

Are burning down to one

The fur on their little

Brown bodies

All singed

The limbs on their

Frame carry unhinged

Their eyes so glassy

Like little enamel beads

Start the anxious

Impervious pleadings

Cry they know will not

Be heard

Or answered this

Life or way beyond

So helpless they lie

Down their heads

To die

Just as the snow

Is starting to fly

Softly wander

Away from you

Quickly we cross

Paths again

As we aimlessly

Create new

Roads to run away

From each other

Again

And a window

To look out of

While you sit

In it

Only waiting, silent debating

Keeps me in my room

One night makes up all we are

One hour extends our life

One moment makes it all worthwhile

One time for us to do again

Pinpoint the moment

When the world changed

And you don’t begin to begin

To remember just what happened

There and what was the end

It’s come

The time to prepare

The time to find the perfect

Host to mother me

I can feel him out there sniffing

Somehow he knows what I’m

Thinking

Somehow he knows

I’m coming back

Only a moment ago

Quietly surviving

Only a moment ago

Alive

Opening quietly

The eyes in

The dark

Sitting patiently

Waiting until

You pass by

Sometimes every night

Maybe this time

He’ll introduce himself

Maybe you can take

A little piece of me

Somewhere safe

Somewhere free

And let me ride

On wings and fly

Away to another

Body

On and on the laughter

Grows and when

The sun shines the

Feeling shows

All the good you feel today

This is such a crazy

Mess

Of everything

We have to say

To keep the anger

Deep inside I guess

This way we won’t

Need to hide

One another from

Ourselves and pray

Each day

We will see no

More urns on the

Mantle each night

And on and on

And together again

Here we take

Everything we can

Away

To a new time and space

Where love isn’t

Called a lie

Another day in paradise

So much time to get it right

Before the sun goes down

Turn around and close your

Eyes

Send the evening lullabies

To all the little ones every where

Whose beds are cold and lonely

Crystal blue shaded blinds

Cover all the windows

In a home where nothing dwells

And hope the time

Going forward never looking back

Upon the days that frighten

I dread their panting, heavy,

Telluric breath, skinless bones

Viscera creaking and fetid with

Black grease drool

How can I endure in the midst

Of this foul concentration of diesel

Genitals and the turbine driven vaginas

The ignorant throats that

Only had flamed, steamed, and hissed

And might again this very night

Hopeful forgetting

Of another day

That is no more

Living to remember

Things that have

Shaped me

Careful debating

Every moment

In between

Sunlight

Golden on a

Fresh blade of grass

Forever only in one moment

Before the sun moves away

Behind the clouds

Or somewhere else

Last night you said that it maybe

Time for a new place, a new face

The distance close to the furthest corner

Of your mind

Where you and I

Could finally go alone with no overkill

When will it all begin to crumble

And fall into the

Rubble of decay?

How long can we continue on

To convince everyone

That it’s all under control

How long will the fear go on

That the truth will tell the lie

Sisters won’t you entertain

The notion of something new

Take a shiny penny

It could be real soon

To fall from your lap

To a brand new world

That will resuscitate your

Mind and make your dreams

New adventures

On and on

And on

The waves

Keep crashing

And pushing the sands

Away from all the demons

We hide

Away deep under the

Surface

Walk alone

Looking maybe

Single lane

Lonely path

Going home stupid

Today Tomorrow

Talk alone

Thinking nothing

Okay today

No more tomorrow

Sitting in special place

Take a breath

And feel the shine

On your face

As you get a space

Within your troubled mind

Easily amused by simple

Things that take away the

Pain placing yourself in

Another land giving yourself

A reason to keep going on

In life through even the last season

Under a blue

Umbrella

Stands an old dark

Man

Among the wanderers

Running to and fro’ in

Search of something

Anything to make them

Feel alive

Well

Here I sit again

Wondering where you are

I heard your van again

Leaving again

So I guess I had to really know

Before I said goodbye

To you forever

Tomorrow when I wake

Really early

To catch the bus for the

Walk in court

Since I was late for the curb

Am I the only one?

Do you feel connected?

Do you hear what I’m thinking?

And is it a voice in your ear

Or a sound in your head?

Can you please tell me

How to make it stop?

And can you explain to me how it began?

I’m a bomb

I’m on the edge

Don’t push me


…and now you want me to do what?...

  • ISBN: 9781370796175
  • Author: Cory Cason
  • Published: 2017-01-13 01:50:19
  • Words: 2518
…and now you want me to do what?... …and now you want me to do what?...