Amazing But (not) True Stories!
I’ve been blessed to live such a long and adventurous life. The people I’ve met, the events I’ve witnessed, the tragedies that scarred me. I feel now is the time to tell them. After all, with the orange aliens from Venus taking over, it won’t be long now before we’re all silenced.
I’ve met quite a few presidents back in my day. Why, I remember every time I met one just like it was yesterday.
I tell you, like the time I got Clinton’s autograph! The man was in a bit of a rush and I had to go off with some intern after. Nice lady, wore a pretty blue dress.
I’m not too proud to admit it, but we may have snuck off for some physical activities in a closet before leaving the White House. We got some love stains on her pretty blue dress. We were both a bit embarrassed by it. I just kept hoping she wouldn’t lose her job.
Oh, the time I went to get Reagan’s autograph was a bit scary. See, I left my autograph book in my hotel room so I grabbed a napkin at the local deli. The wind was a bit much that day and it blew the napkin right out of my hand!
It went down the sidewalk and I ran as fast as I could for it.
Well, some poor fellow saw me rushing at the president like a madman. He mistook my pen for a weapon and started shooting at me. I wasn’t hit but he hit the President and one of the men with the President! The secret service took him down right quick.
I felt bad about what happened. The man was just trying to protect the President and he ended up getting in a lot of trouble over it.
Even worse was when I went to go see Mr. Kennedy. Boy, he sure was a good man. When he was gonna be in Dallas I knew I had to go see him.
I was at my friend’s club. Jack was always letting me drink cheap after I got him a loan through a nice, Russian, family. The bank refused his loan but I knew a guy who knew a guy. Jack appreciated it.
Anyways, I may have had a few too many the night before, and forgot my binoculars. Thankfully it was just after hunting season and I still had my hunting rifle in my car. The powerful scope on it would let me see the President from the grassy knoll just fine!
My hands were shaky, my rifle old and the safety didn’t work very well. Thankfully some book nerd took the fall for it.
I still feel bad to this day about it. My friend Jack said he’d take care of it. Told me to go overseas, relax, and so I did.
I never did hear back from him. I never got in trouble either. I have no idea what he did but he got the job done.
Some of you reading this may not remember, but we had a tall, bearded, fellow for President once. His name was Abraham Lincoln. He had a strong and passionate voice. I almost got his autograph.
He was going to the theater with his wife and another couple. I got myself a ticket so I could go up and meet the President, shake his hand, and get his signature.
Well, in front of me was the pompous jackass John Booth. Oh, sure, famous actor, at the playhouse, seeing the President. I was fine with that.
Until Booth wouldn’t leave. This was probably my best chance to get Lincoln’s autograph and I wasn’t going to let this priggish oaf ruin it.
I pulled my pistol from my waistcoat and aimed it at him. I was merely trying to scare him. The fool made a grab for it!
The trigger was pulled in the ensuing struggle and it hit poor Mr. Lincoln in the back of the head.
Booth, being pusillanimous, fled right off the balcony! Must have broken a leg by the way he was limping on the main floor.
It was a dark day indeed after that. So close, yet so far, from getting that autograph.
President Garfield, jolly fellow, loved his liquor and his ladies even more.
I was best of friends with him after our time in Hiram College.
We spent one night with a friend of his, Odie Arbuckle, drinking and telling stories.
Odie told us about some lady friend of his. She was already married but she seemed quite friendly. Her marriage was not going well and the President thought it might be nice if she could meet me.
Being the charming fellow that I am, I agreed.
I got to meet Mrs. Guiteau and found out she was a very friendly lady if you catch my meaning.
One night, after more drinking with the President, he went home but forgot his hat. It was clearly his as it had his named stitched in it.
I felt quite dapper wearing it over to Mrs. Guiteau’s home for a quick romp.
When her husband came home early it was all I could do to grab my pants and jump out the window. I even left the hat behind. It was such a nice hat, too. I’m sure Garfield has plenty more.
Some people hate hunting. I love it!
Why, I went quail hunting with the Vice President once. A beautiful February day.
We were drinking, having a few laughs, while we went through the brush of the ranch.
He brought some lawyer friend of his. I didn’t really know the guy but hey, the more the merrier.
Unless that idiot gets in front of your shot.
I felt really bad about shooting him.
Thankfully good ol’ Dickie said he’d take the blame. No one will get him in trouble, he’s above the law.
Oh, speaking of hunting…
In the late 1800’s all the cars were electric. It was cheaper. A lot of you kids today won’t realize it but electric cars came first.
Why did we switch to oil? Well…
I went on a hunting trip down in Texas with Teddy.
After a day of spotting nothing we set up camp.
I was pounding a spike into the ground when a bubbling crude came up.
I told Teddy about it. Being Teddy, he threw it on the fire for a good laugh.
His connections with others led to countless oil fields being found and killing the electric car.
Too bad. Maybe if I hadn’t gone hunting with Teddy then we wouldn’t be dealing with the global climate change issue.
The water powered car might have had a chance too. Gah, if only I hadn’t found that oil.
You have no idea how much fun climbing trees can be when you’re younger.
It was just after dawn. A nice cool April morning and I had my eyes on a tree I’d been trying to climb for days.
My friends all told me not to. The branches were too thin.
Nearby the British soldiers were gathering and if I can reach the top of the tree I can see them.
I was almost halfway up when a branch broke. It was so loud it sounded like a musket shot.
Suddenly there sounded like dozens if not hundreds of musket shots.
It was really scary. Even scarier than how high up I was at the time.
Something about a militia, confiscation of guns, all near my little town of Lexington, Massachusetts.
I love cruises. There is nothing like the rest and relaxation you can achieve on a ship.
The north Atlantic is a little chilly in April but the cruise ship is magnificent. Nothing like it ever before. Second class is so fancy they thought they had wandered into first class.
I was playing poker with a fellow who worked on the ship. He thinks he has me beat but all he has left is a pair of binoculars. I let him use the binoculars to make his bet.
I won. He had three of a kind, I had a full house.
I get an amazing view off the front with the binoculars. All the clouds, water, and off in the distance, some icebergs.
I heard the lad get yelled at for losing the binoculars. I guess he didn’t want to tell Captain Smith he lost them playing cards.
If I had known why he needed the binoculars, maybe I would have given them back. Whom was I to know that the kid was the lookout?
Years later I heard the cover up from the company. Claiming the keys had been lost and the binoculars were locked up. No way of getting to them.
I held on to those binoculars for all these years. Why, I brought them with me to Dallas! Got them in my hotel room right… Crap. I don’t have time to get them. The President’s motorcade is about to pass by. I’ll just use the scope on my hunting rifle to see him.
Before cars, there were horses.
Before big fancy buildings, there were simple log cabins.
Before modern medicine, lots of people died in the New and Old World.
A small family, the Willem family, had just passed from the Pox.
After divvying up their muskets, black powder, and other needed things we were left with the items like blankets. No one else in town wanted their things.
So I went to the local native tribe and offered a trade. Some of the Willem blankets, cups, and other random items for some arrows and maize.
They got some very comfy blankets and clothing while we got hunting equipment and bait for the deer in the area.
A couple months later I went to trade for some more arrows but they were all gone. Must have migrated or something.
They seemed to have left in a hurry too. Oh well. They were good neighbors while they lived there.
Ah, the early days of air travel.’
When men wore suits and women wore dresses.
The giant blimps of the day were far more pleasant than the cramps planes of today.
I was on such a magnificent airship in 1937. I had left Frankfurt, Germany and enjoyed all the splendor of air travel.
We were getting ready to land and were told to prepare.
I had to smoke one last cigar before we landed and went out on the deck.
The tower we were to dock at was far enough away I could easily finish my cigar.
Finish I did, and I flicked the nasty saliva covered end at the edge of the airship.
The whole thing erupted into flames! I was astonished and hurried away from the flames.
Boy, we lit up that New Jersey sky like it was day.
If you’ve never heard of Nikola Tesla, you’re missing out on an interesting man.
He had me working as a janitor at his lab in the summer of 1908. I just had to keep things clean and not touch his work.
Well, curiosity got the better of me one night.
He had some ray machine pointing west. I couldn’t understand any of the fancy science talk but I knew what the big red button meant. Press it.
Tesla fired me even though the ray didn’t even kill anyone. Just wiped out several hundred miles of forest in Siberia near Tunguska.
Back in the summer of 1964, I was working on a boat for the US Navy. Just off the coast of some tiny nation called Vietnam.
I had worked the night before but the guy that was supposed to replace me got sick. So I was now stuck doing a second shift.
Tired and bored, I fell asleep.
I slumped over, fell on a control board, and accidentally fired a torpedo. I was so foggy and dazed, barely awake, and couldn’t hail the ship I fired at to apologize for the mishap.
The USS Maddox thought some nearby Vietnamese boats had fired on them and shot back.
February in Iowa can be freezing, snowy, and worse.
A tour bus came in with some of the biggest names in music of the time. They complained about the bus and how terrible the heat was on it.
I knew a guy who knew a guy in Mason City who could get them a charter flight to their next gig.
It took a bit of convincing but I got them on that plane. With a nice fee sent to me for getting the pilot an extra job.
Of course, due to the weather conditions… Well, at least it gave that American pie guy a song.
America, 1960, the heat of the Cold War getting even hotter.
We needed information on the Soviets.
Before I worked for the Navy in the waters of South East Asia, I was helping with the top secret U-2 program.
It was the fastest and stealthiest of our spy planes.
The President, whose autograph I already got, called with worries about it being shot down.
Of course, his worries were for nothing. The U-2 plane couldn’t be shot down.
One of our best pilots, Gary Powers, was going on the next mission. Deep into Soviet territory.
I had a quick chat with him before his flight. He mentioned he had a slight head cold. He asked if it might affect his reaction time.
Like with the President, I told him not to worry. No surface to air missile the Soviets had could take down a U-2. Even with a pilot slightly hampered by a head cold.
At least I thought that. In reality… Well, we got Powers back. Eventually.
Gah, after the Powers incident I needed to relax.
I moved to California for a bit. Brentwood, California. Beautiful views and a very beautiful neighbor.
Marylin, the sex symbol of my life, was only three houses down!
Somehow we became friends. She loved a man in uniform. She loved hearing about all of my stories.
She was having man problems and may have been drinking a little more than she should. I tried to get her to cut back but I liked a sip or two as well.
On August 4th, she called me, crying, and I went over.
After a bit of drinking and sloppy foreplay, she said she wanted her special vitamins.
They were in her medicine cabinet. I grabbed them but accidentally dropped them after knocking another bottle off the shelf and it opened.
Meh, they’re all hers, they can’t be too bad. I scooped up the pills and put them in the same bottle.
After I found out, I had to go to Dallas for a bit. Get away from California.
My friend Jack Ruby had a club there I could do some work at. Not a bad deal since I’m the one who got him the loan.
Bosnia, does it still exist? Well, in 1914 it did.
Some Duke guy came by for a parade.
There was an accident or something and people were hospitalized.
I went to a diner with my recent purchase. A 1910 Browning semi automatic.
A waiter wanted to check it out and I was showing it off to him when a woman screamed.
I reached for the gun, thinking there was a threat, when the gun went off and hit a car.
It was supposed to be semi automatic but someone must have modified it before I bought it.
The gun didn’t stop shooting until it was empty.
Man, I just paid good money for the gun and it was modified. I can’t have a fully automatic gun like that. I had to take it back.
Oh, and the car had the Duke guy in it. Didn’t know the guy, didn’t really care.
Only Duke I care about is The Duke.
Man, I miss him. All the times we’d stand outside of a set during a movie shooting.
He always complained about stress so I got him started on smoking. Back then we didn’t know any better. We thought cigarettes had vitamins in them and stuff.
My many years here have led me to some powerful people. Some incredible geniuses. Amazing women.
I hope my book gets released before the orange ones take over.
I met them before. At Area 51. Not that I can talk about that. Oh, if only I could.
When I quit Area 51 I had to sign so many waivers about how if I talk it will be the last thing I do.
At least I knew to invest in things like television and computers. Boy, if only they released the water powered car. A car that runs on water.
Thank you to all for reading this. Just some stupid stories I tell at work and decided I’d put them all down and share with the world. For free!
Check out my other books, all under the same name, Seth Quillet!
My Amazing But (not) True Stories! From meeting presidents to historical cruises and more! Ronald Reagan, Marylin Monroe, Nikola Tesla, and more through the eyes of the man that (didn't) meet them!