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Adults Say The Dumbest Sh*t!: A Collection of Humorous Quotes

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Adults are the Dumist

© 2017 JEFFREY PICKLES

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

  • INTRODUCTION*

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”

Albert Einstein

Sadly, not everyone is fortunate enough to receive a proper, well balanced education growing up. Some though, are – not that it guarantees an intelligent adult forming at the other end…

The following are genuine quotes. Gathered from various sources (a fair few firsthand), I hereby showcase the dumbest of the dumb in all their dumb dummity.

Warning: may cause an urge to book a plane ticket off this planet through sheer despair. I’ll take the window seat…

“I didn’t get the nose job for me, I got it so my kids wouldn’t be born with big noses.”

~

“I don’t worry about the price of petrol increasing, I only ever put twenty pounds in at a time.”

~

“Is the Colosseum in Rome? Forgive me, I’m not very good at Geometry.”

~

“If Antarctica’s closer than the moon, then how come we can see the moon but not Antarctica?”

~

“Is a concentration camp for people with ADD/attention deficit disorder?”

~

“But it can’t be silverware. It’s a gold fork.”

~

“If the product label say’s ‘don’t use if seal is broken’, what’s the point in even buying it? How’s a person supposed to open and use the thing!?”

~

“My spelling isn’t that bad, I don’t see why people ovary act.”

~

“Goodbye America, hello New York!”

~

“This elevator is so stupid it has a button for the floor I’m already on!”

~

“Apparently they have earthquakes on Mars.”

~

“How do twins tell themselves apart?”

~

“Is Rabbi the plural of rabbit?”

~

“I’m not a Christian, I’m a Catholic.”

~

“How do you speak Muslim?”

~

“What’s the French word for entrepreneur?”

~

“My favourite book is James and the Giant Peach by Charles Dickens.”

~

“This water’s wet.”

~

“I’m never having kids, but I definitely want grandchildren.”

~

“I know you’re allergic to milk but why do you never eat cheese?”

~

“Aren’t we always internally bleeding?!”

~

“How do you spell HIV?”

~

“Who is Ash Wednesday? Did he burn all the pancakes?”

~

“If H2O is the formula for water, is J2O the formula for juice?”

~

“Books I’ve heard about and want to read; Tequila Mockingbird and The Perks of being a Cauliflower.”

~

“Can your baby get pregnant if you have sex while pregnant?”

~

“If we put man on the moon, how come we’ve never tried putting him on the sun?”

~

“I think I’m adopted. Should I tell my parents?”

~

“If a synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?”

~

“Did Jesus sign copies of the Bible? Like, can you get one on eBay?”

~

“How big is the specific ocean?”

~

“How can I stop my boyfriend finding out I poop?”

~

“I called my friend a bitch and now she’s threatening me with a defecation order.”

~

“You shouldn’t leave cooked chicken out of the fridge. It will go raw again.”

~

“If you breathe too much air can you die?”

~

“That clock’s wrong, there’s no 19pm.”

~

“Is Milk cow’s piss?”

~

“Iceland isn’t a country, silly. It’s a shop.”

~

“What’s the capital of London?”

~

“An octopus has 8 testicles.”

~

“My magazine said it comes with a free air guitar but I can’t find it anywhere.”

~

“Do women shave their faces? They must do, otherwise, where’s the hair…?”

~

“WW1 started because of the assassination of John Lennon, right?”

~

“Wasn’t Auschwitz a swimming pool?”

~

“I woke up and I swear I saw a bird in my room. I think I was illuminating.”

~

“The menopause is when a woman’s body stops producing ovaries.”

~

“I thought they only held elections when the prime minister died…?”

~

“If the sea levels are rising why don’t they just fill massive buckets up and put the water in the desert?”

~

“Is Ghandi a woman?”

~

“But I thought cheese came from caves?”

~

“This urinal smells like piss!”

~

“Where’s Islam? It’s not on the map.”

~

“My sister’s older than me and she always has been.”

~

“Google must have like a tonne of staff to make all these websites about everything.”

~

“You seen this guy in the paper. He’s made over a billion from Hedge Funding.”

“Wow, imagine how many hedges you’d need to cut to earn that!”

~

“A Siamese Cat is a breed of Cat that’s got 2 heads.”

~

“What’s the point in clouds? Rain just falls right through them.”

~

“Does a cow have to be dead before you can milk it?”

~

“Why do bin men look so grumpy? I mean they only work once a week!”

~

“If you travel from Australia to America, do you actually go back in time?”

~

“Phil Collins wrote the dictionary.”

~

“Wouldn’t it be so cool if we could see everything in 3D?”

~

“You can’t call her a dumb blonde, that’s racist.”

~

“I know how old you are. But what about your twin sister?”

~

“If you can’t get out of a burning house, do you melt away into sludge?”

~

“A lamb is a baby sheep.”

~

“What flavour is fish?”

~

“How can you send post to England? There’s a sea in between!”

~

“Was that fish dead when they killed it?”

~

“Don’t overfill the bowl. The goldfish might drown!”

~

“If you put ice cream in the oven, does it come out crispy?”

~

“I have 5000 unlimited free texts!”

~

“Isn’t commission when everyone gets a share of everything? Oh wait, that’s communism.”

~

“Jewish people don’t celebrate Christmas. They celebrate Harmonica.”

~

“What’s all that blue stuff on the map?”

~

“They should make gloves but for your feet!”

~

“My car costs £90 to fill.”

“How can you afford to run that?! My Peugeot is much better on fuel, it only costs £60 to fill!”

~

“Why do they put calories in food? And how do they get them in there?”

~

“You know the cash machines in the wall… is there someone on the other side of them stealing the bank cards?”

~

“If the moon is so big … why is it so small?”

~

“Great castle, shame they built it so near the airport.”

~

“When is the next election for the Royal Family?”

~

“Did you know you can see the moon from the Great Wall of China?”

~

“What’s your favourite colour?”

“Pasta.”

~

“I love all of Adolf Hitchcock’s films.”

~

“Albinos are a different species that live on an island of their own. I think it’s called Albania.”

~

“No, it would be impossible to go to the sun. You’d burn up.”

“Not if you go at night.”

~

“No thanks, I don’t eat fried food.”

“But I see you eating crisps everyday…”

“Yeah, but those aren’t fried, I eat them raw.”

~

“What does e.g. stand for? Is it egg?”

~

“What lights are on?”

“None.”

“Is the broadband router plugged in?”

“It doesn’t need plugging it, its wireless.”

“But, sir, it needs power to be able to turn on.”

“But its wireless…”

~

“I’m going to pluck my eyebrows.”

“But you’ll look like a freak without them.”

~

Boyfriend: “Oh, it was on the news. Someone’s been held up at gunpoint.”

Girlfriend: “Why do people go to Gunpoint if they keep getting held up there?”

~

“I’m going on a diet, so I’m gonna eat all the food in my fridge, that way I’ll get rid of it and won’t be tempted to ruin my diet.”

~

“Oh, I’ve been vegetarian for years!”

”…But you just ordered steak.”

“Yeah, but I really love vegetables!”

~

“Buckets came before Cows because otherwise there would’ve been nothing to catch the milk.”

~

“What’s the number for 1471?”

~

“If I don’t smoke it stresses me out, which then stresses the baby out, so smoking is good for both of us.”

~

“The new ride at Alton Towers has a 100 degree drop.”

“What?! Won’t you burn?”

~

“Why is this plane so hot? Get me one of the cabin crew.

“Why?”

“To see if they can open a window.”

~

“Is Earth in space?”

~

“What’s a prostate?”

“I think it’s a male prostitute.”

~

“What are those things that you put pictures in to frame them?”

~

“Why is a building called a “building” when it is already built?”

~

“What’s the deal with solar powered watches?”

“How do you mean?”

“I mean do they stop working at night or what…? Does the time catch up in the morning?”

~

“I support the death penalty. Whoever commits terrible acts must get a fitting punishment. That way they learn the lesson for the next time.”

~

“Jesus must’ve been gutted that he was born on Christmas Day, talk about being overshadowed.”

~

“What are rubbers made out of?”

~

“Help me unpack the Groceries, Jim.”

“Ok.”

“…Did you put all these chocolate brownies in?”

“No, I don’t like them.”

“Somebody must have put them in the wrong trolley… ah well, free chocolate!!”

~

“Are the Catholic 10 Commandments the same as the Christian ones?”

~

“I feel like I’m ageing progressively!”

~

“Whereabouts is the Church of England?”

~

“He can’t be gay, he’s too old.”

~

“I want my first daughter to be a girl.”

~

“I wish I was warm bloodied. Then I’d be warm all the time.”

~

“Does it take 18 months for twins to be born, or 9?”

~

“I’m not a bloody taxi service. If you want a lift I expect money.”

~

“Do pumpkins grow on bushes?”

~

“What’s a ‘Stereotype’.”

“It means you judge someone on the type of music they enjoy.”

~

“Are French fries bread?”

~

“Cows don’t have muscles, they have meat.”

~

“Where does sea salt come from?”

~

“Wow, that’s a big photo… you must have a really big camera!”

~

“We don’t know for certain that dragons don’t exist. The world is largely undiscovered.”

~

“The ozone layer is a sheet of glass surrounding the earth. That’s why NASA’s to blame for all the environmental damage with all their space rockets breaking through the sheet.”

~

“My doctor says I need to eat more iron. Isn’t that, like, a metal? Why would I eat metal? I don’t think he knows what he’s talking about.”

~

“Aren’t tornadoes extinct!?”

~

“Can I take your order, sir?”

“Yes, can I please have the Asthmatic Duck?”

~

“I really need to lose weight. I’m obese.”

“You don’t look that fat.”

“Yeah, but when I get in the bathtub, the water rises.”

~

“Isn’t Brazil in France?”

“No, Brazil’s in South America.”

“So, like, what countries are in France?”

~

“Did the cavemen eat road-kill or just leave it?”

~

“Aren’t you gonna finish that bottle of Vodka?”

“I’m gonna save it for tomorrow.”

“You’re going to drink day old alcohol?!”

~

“You weigh less in the morning because you were laying down all night and gravity spreads out. By the end of the day gravity flattens again in your feet so you weigh more.”

~

“When people speak in foreign languages, do they just hear English in their head?”

“Why would they hear English in their head?”

“Well, how else would they understand what they’re saying?”

~

“Leonardo di Capricorn. You know, the guy who cut off his ear.”

~

“My dad was out at the racetrack the day I was born!”

“That’s kinda sad. Was your mum there at least?”

~

“So if a mum gets sunburnt when pregnant, does the baby come out tanned?”

~

“If heat rises, how come Canada isn’t warm?”

~

“Don’t Jewish people get their right arm cut off at the age of 35?”

~

“How can twins be so smart if they both only have half the brain?”

~

“If you sleep with a guy and later regret it, you were raped.”

~

“I thought it was called the Cold War because it’s cold in Russia?”

~

“Can you get sunburn from a camp fire?”

~

“So did they catch the suicide bomber yet?”

~

“So have you got a flat tyre.”

“I’m not sure. It’s flat on the bottom, but not on the top.”

~

“What happens if an Island becomes overpopulated? Does it tip over and capsize?”

~

“Dolphins have penises?”

“Well, yeah, how do you think they have sex?”

“Wait… Dolphins have sex?”

~

“My son is 24 months old.”

“So, 2?”

“No, 24.”

~

“How do penguins make igloos?”

~

“Don’t get water on me! I’m wearing blue so it’ll take longer to dry.”

~

“Does leprosy come from leopards?”

~

“Wait, I thought Africa was just plants and animals and stuff?”

~

“How could 9/11 have been an inside job if the planes came from outside the buildings?”

~

“Man, the sun is so bright. It feels like its burning my rectums.”

~

“Like, I wish they had something that’s the opposite of a microwave but instead made things colder, you know?”

~

“Where do people even speak Latin anyway?”

“I dunno, Latin America?”

~

“A whale is a fish because it swims in the water…”

~

“I don’t get how Osama survived crashing a plane into the Twin Towers.”

~

“The best way to survive falling off a high building is to land on your chest so that your lungs compress and break the fall…”

~

“Polish people come from the North and South Pole, right?”

~

“There are more people in China than there is in the world.”

~

“It’s quite an old computer. It hasn’t got much RAM.”

“Oh. Why don’t you just download some more?”

~

“But isn’t the moon just the back of the sun?”

~

“I don’t know why they’ve put up all those wind turbines, it’s windy enough around here!”

~

“Isn’t the cliterous a dinosaur?”

~

“If you drive really slow you won’t put as many miles on your car.”

~

“Guatemala and Guacamole are basically the same thing. Like tomayto, tamahto.”

~

“It wasn’t Rosa Parks who refused to give up the bus seat. I think you’ll find it was Abraham Lincoln.”

~

“Chickens don’t poo. They lay eggs.”

~

“Sun lotion factors relate to the number of minutes that it lasts for. So factor 10 lasts 10 minutes and therefore you have to reapply it every 10 minutes.”

~

“What did Jesus use for toothpaste? No one would’ve listened to a guy with yellow teeth…”

~

“When one twin dies, the other does too.”

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“It’s true, Afro hair is used in velcro.”

~

“The higher you go the warmer it gets, after-all you’re closer to the sun!”

~

“Gravity does not apply underwater. There it’s called buoyancy and it pushes things upward instead of down. Try it.”

~

“Every woman’s born with a small tuft of hair that grows between the breasts. It’s natural!”

~

“Vegetarians can eat fish because fish don’t have blood.”

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“Lungs are located in the throat. That’s why you die if someone chokes you.”

~

“When you mix salt water and freshwater, photosynthesis happens!”

~

“Don’t be silly, dogs don’t have DNA!”

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“Heat doesn’t rise! It sinks! How do you think snow melts?”

~

“Christopher Columbus, he was the king of Portugal, right?”

~

“What do you think is holding all the planets up in space!? It’s GOD!!”

~

“But you can’t know what sex your unborn child is. Gentialia doesn’t develop until after the child is born.”

~

“Snakes don’t die until midnight. You can cut off a snake’s head, but it will keep living until then. It’s in the Bible.”

~

“But isn’t chicken, like, a special part of the cow?”

~

“If every single person on Earth doesn’t believe it, it’s an opinion.”

~

“Sunburns don’t cause cancer, they cure them. No one knows about it because the pharmaceutical companies hide it from the public to sell more cream.”

~

“Gonorrhea. Isn’t that a place in Spain?”

~

“It’s true, women in the same neighbourhood often have their period at the same time due to them all getting their birth control pills from the same doctor.”

~

“Eggs in the supermarket are manufactured by machines.”

~

“If you start smoking when you are young you have a better chance at not getting cancer because your body gets used to it. Don’t stop though.”

~

“So 12 Years a Slave wasn’t about Nelson Mandela?!!”

~

“Wait… diet pills are for losing weight? I thought they were a healthy version of regular pills!?”

~

“Why do ambulances have flashing lights?”

“It’s to get the attention of drivers, especially those who may be deaf.”

”Oh, I get you. And the loud sirens must be to get the attention of blind drivers.”

~

“But the Earth is flat. The edges are all covered in heavy layers of snow that no one can cross.”

~

“An open wound doesn’t need a bandage. It needs fresh air.”

~

“Your son was born on February 29th? Does that mean he’ll need to have 5 actual birthdays before he can start school?”

~

“If you don’t cover your legs in cold weather they’ll get fat. It’s called evolution. It’s also why animals who live in cold places have a lot of blubber.”

~

“If the leader of North Korea is really so bad, why do they keep voting for him?”

~

“I decided to get a packet of Starburst instead of a Twix because fruit is healthier than chocolate.”

“Good for you!”

~

“Birds are immune to electricity because they can sit on power lines and not get electrocuted.”

~

“Apparently, when having a baby a women breaks over 200 bones.”

“Well, I guess that’s why you have to be on maternity for so long!”

~

“We had to amputate your dog’s leg due to an osteosarcoma. I’m really sorry.”

“Oh, the poor thing.”

“Do you have any questions?”

“Yes, how long will it take to grow back?”

~

“I’m not stupid, I have a 20/20 IQ!”

~

“You know Dave, the guy who used to work here, well, he died yesterday.”

“Oh no, was it something serious?”

~

“Poor people just need to make more money.”

~

“Is everything OK?”

“Well, not really, no. One of your guys went to check the stockroom 20 minutes ago and he hasn’t come back.”

“Oh. Sorry for the convenience.”

~

“What do you mean you’re European? I thought you were German!”

~

“If I could find a country that didn’t let immigrants in I’d move there…”

~

“Like, if the Berlin Wall was so terrible, why do they have pictures of it in nearly every Chinese restaurant?”

~

“The world is flat. Think about it, if the world was round and spinning and you jumped in the air, the world would just rotate under you and you’d end up somewhere else.”

~

“I don’t need to wear a bicycle helmet. My reflexes are so good that if I’m in an accident I’ll be able to cover my head in time.”

~

“Birds cаn think? I thought they were just ӏike, rocks with wings.”

“Oh, Ellie…”

“Shut up, I’m not Albert Frankenstein!”

~

“You can tell that the dinosaurs they use in films aren’t real ones.”

~

“What are all living things made up of?“

“Metabolism?”

~

“If you tickle a baby’s feet, they will have a stutter when they grow up.”

~

“You don’t need to do warm ups before exercising. Have you ever seen a cheetah stretch before it kills its prey?”

~

“If a woman has a scar, her children are often born with the same scar. Ask Darwin.”

~

“Can you get pregnant from standing too close to a microwave?”

~

“If dinosaurs existed then why do we never see dinosaur ghosts, like in the movies?”

~

“What’s a Gandhi?”

~

“Tuna’s a fish?! I thought it came out of a can!”

~

Tech support problems

“Hi. Thanks for holding. Now, if you could right click on the Documents folder.”

“Um… my right or your right?”

~

“Wood doesn’t come from trees, it comes from carpenters!”

~

“You shouldn’t smoke when your baby’s in the room.”

“It’s okay, smoke rises.”

~

“Solar panels are sucking all the energy out of the sun, they should be banned before the world is left in darkness.”

~

“I’m not sure whether I am a lesbian or not. Should I get myself tested?”

~

“You’ve made this Stalin person up. If there was someone who killed more people than Hitler, I would’ve heard about them.”

~

“Plants suck oxygen out of the air, and therefore you should never be in a closed room with a plant.”

~

“You can tell whether a duck is a boy or a girl by its scales.”

~

“Do these stairs go up or down?”

~

“I actually drive better if I’m texting.”

~

“Don’t chickens lay potatoes?”

“Well, I thought they were cow eggs.”

~

“You should never sleep when your sick, it makes it harder to get better. When you fall asleep so do your blood cells.”

~

“See, look, I’ve been burgled.”

“Oh yeah. Weird though; they’ve only taken the valuable stuff…”

~

“Global warming is caused by the removal of oil from the earth (aka; the lubricant), which causes the tectonic plates to experience more friction, hence the warming.”

~

“It was on 9/11 when the Eiffel towers fell.”

~

“Niagara Falls? Yeah, its a few miles down the road.”

“Great! And what time do they turn the falls off? I don’t want to miss them.”

~

“Well, zero is better than nothing.”

~

“Before Christ they counted years backwards.”

~

“Wasn’t Hitler famous for killing his son or something?”

~

“I don’t eat red meat; I always cook my burgers well done.”

~

“Hi, I’m looking to buy some flooring.”

“No problem. Is it indoor or outdoor?”

(Annoyed huff) “No, not for my door… I need carpet for my floor!”

~

“I don’t get why cashews have fat, they don’t even come from an animal!”

~

“What country is Africa? I can’t find it on this list of countries and it’s really frustrating.”

~

“It says ‘Our chickens are raised humanely.’ That just means they were raised by humans, right?”

~

“I’ve always wondered; when we’re upside down, how come our blood doesn’t just spill out of our mouths…?”

“Gravity, I guess…”

~

“If we’re all drunk driving, it’s like nobody is drunk driving.”

~

“If you drink lots of water before you go swimming, you actually swim better because there’s water inside of you too.”

~

“No, America only has 49 states. Pluto isn’t a state anymore.”

~

“When you light your cigarette, don’t inhale the fumes from the lighter. They are bad for you.”

~

“2+2=4”

“Yeah, but that’s just your opinion.”

~

“You seen Janine’s shirt, it says ‘Karma’s a bitch’ on the front.”

“Really? Who’s Karma?”

~

“Global warming is an ever growing threat. So how do we solve the problem of melting glaciers?”

“Can’t we just move the glaciers somewhere colder…?”

~

“Chickens and Turkeys are the same animal. The Chicken is the girl and the Turkey is the boy. Everybody knows that.”

~

“Slugs are cleverer than people think. I once had a slug look at me with understanding.”

~

“It’s harder to get tanned when you’re fat because the rays have trouble getting past the layers of fat.”

~

“I wouldn’t like to have twins.”

“Well, I knew someone who had triplets.”

“That must suck, being pregnant for 27 months.”

~

“What are rushing for? You don’t need to get there early, the plane will wait for you.”

~

“Wait… I thought pork chops came from chickens?”

~

“Help us blow up these balloons, Casey.”

“Sure.”

[Two minutes later…]

“Why aren’t these floating? Did you buy the wrong kind?”

~

“Gorillas and giraffes are not real. The ones at the local zoo are just people in costumes.”

~

“If Japan is 12 hours ahead of us, why didn’t they warn us about 9/11?”

~

“Didn’t Hitler die from breast cancer?”

~

“I hate having to double-space Word documents that are single-spaced. It takes forever.”

~

“You’re learning sign language? Does that mean you can read braille?”

~

“You know, like, the guy who owns Kelloggs, can he just walk into any grocery store he wants and take cereal without paying?”

~

“What does the abbreviation “u-turn” stand for?”

~

“I accidentally emailed you a confidential document. Could you email it back to me?”

~

“So would you say you are fiscally responsible?”

“No, but I’m good with money.”

~

“I don’t know why we try to reduce driving deaths; I mean they’re just going to die another way instead.”

~

“Who is this Al Qaeda guy, and why is everyone so mad at him anyway?”

~

“Gravity doesn’t exist. The reason why we don’t just float away is because of our weight. Look at balloons.”

~

“I know you couldn’t, but if you could hold your breath long enough could you like swim under Australia?”

~

“How do you figure out the percentage for 61/100?”

~

“…that happened a lot in Nazi Germany.”

“Whereabouts is it?”

“Germany?”

“No, Nazi. Is it a city?”

~

“Michael, you were supposed to spell check this PowerPoint!”

“Sorry guys, I’m not good at grammery.”

~

“Oh wow, you’re so good at art – you could be Leonardo DiCaprio!”

~

“If there are astronauts on the moon and the moon becomes a half-moon, do they have to run over to the light side so they don’t fall off?”

~

“How can I be out of money, I still have checks left!?”

~

“If the dinosaurs were alive for so long why didn’t they make a space program or something to blow up the asteroid that killed them?”

~

“I know what you’re going through, man. My ex-wife had post-mortem depression.”

~

“Is the dalai lama, like, the head llama in the herd?”

~

“I now need to take some card details, if that’s OK. How does your name appear on the card?”

“In slightly raised silver letters.”

~

“If evolution is real then why aren’t chimps having human babies?”

~

“Are mosquitos birds?”

~

“How long does it take for a deer to become a moose?”

~

“Just take out a loan. It’s free money!”

~

“I love potatoes so much. Like, I don’t understand how the Irish got so sick of them during the famine.”

~

“Blind people can drive if the seeing eye dog is in the car.”

“What, you mean they give directions?”

“Must do.”

~

“I’m going to rotate my tyres.”

“But don’t your tyres rotate all the time?”

~

“It’s safer not to wear a seatbelt because you can be launched away from the accident.”

~

“NASA fake all the satellite pictures of the Earth, they’re just very detailed paintings.”

~

“Now, I may not be the brightest knife in the drawer…”

~

“What did women do before baby formula was invented?”

~

“There can’t be water in the air! How would we breathe?!”

~

“Why didn’t Christopher Columbus just fly there?”

~

“If you plant a placenta does it grow babies?”

~

“I don’t drink water. It’s too cold.”

~

“Humans are so greedy, we are now mining the sun with solar panels, soon there won’t be any sun left.”

~

“It’s true, you can poke a hole in a camel’s hump and drink fresh water from it like a Capri Sun.”

~

“What time does the 24 hour fitness close?”

~

“2% milk is basically water because it only contains 2% milk. That’s why I get whole milk.”

~

“My grandma lived to 82 and she never saw anything evolve! I mean, if evolution is real why doesn’t this table evolve into a giraffe and walk off?”

~

“Was Anne Frank Hitler’s wife?”

~

“What if you got reincarnated as, like, a wasp, and you were like ‘I don’t like wasps!’ and stung yourself?”

~

“How did the meatball get its name?”

~

“See those airline contrails in the sky? We’re all being drugged.”

~

“If you love a person, and then someone gets your heart in a transplant, do they now love that person?”

~

“Is a duck a pigeon or a bird?”

~

“I thought gonorrhea was a cheese…”

~

“I saw him get a hole in one. Did you hear about his golf handicap?”

“Yeah, I always thought he walked funny.”

~

“Jesus was just some guy selling bibles.”

~

“I don’t believe in using turn signals. It’s a sign of weakness to other drivers.”

~

“Rabbits lay eggs. But only around Easter.”

~

“If you don’t read a contract before you sign it, you can’t be held accountable for what it says. Otherwise it’s entrapment.”

~

“You shouldn’t eat lemons while pregnant as you will get lemon juice in the babies’ eyes.”

~

“How long have you two been twins?”

~

“Why did they fight all these battles on historical landmarks?”

~

“No, Oedipus is a complex. Oedipus Rex is a dinosaur.”

~

“Somebody shot him through the forehead? God, is he alright.”

~

“Eating air-fresheners makes your farts smell better.”

~

“Why is there no such thing as a maternity test?”

~

“If I ever go skydiving, I’ll go over the ocean so if my parachute doesn’t open I won’t die.”

~

“Dinosaurs aren’t real, they just put random bones together to make them look like that.”

~

“Like, how does the gravity get in there? I mean, the doors locked and the windows are shut.”

~

“Wait, they had music in the 30s?”

~

“How many syllables are in ‘dumb’?”

~

“We live on the most beautiful planet on Earth.”

~

“God put dinosaur bones in the ground so that archaeologists would have jobs.”

~

“How do people with trucks get groceries if it’s raining? Does the food just get wet?”

~

“If there is a water shortage why don’t we all just drink beer?”

~

“Black Friday is when Martin Luther King Jr. died, right?”

~

“North, that’s where your nose is pointing, right?”

~

“Do beached whales live on the beach?”

~

“Lightning won’t strike us. Our boat is brown.”

~

“He can’t be bisexual, I saw him kiss a girl!”

~

“And is the brisket vegan…?”

~

“I want to return this wireless router because it’s a pile of crap. It works fine at night but soon as I leave for work the wireless on my mobile stops.”

~

“The earth rotates on a tilted axis because it was knocked out of square by the boulder that killed the dinosaurs.”

~

“I have a lisp because my father failed college.”

~

“How come they don’t offer brain transplants?”

~

“I can’t do anything about my weight. It’s hereditary.”

~

“Of course we can live without the sun! We do it every night!”

~

“Why have you put the mouldy loaf under the sink? I said to throw it away.”

“Oh well, you know how mould doesn’t grow in a cool, dry place? I thought if I put the bread underneath the sink, the mould would go away.”

~

“Did you know someone dies everyday at 6:66 pm. That’s why it’s the number of the beast.”

~

“I don’t have to use my turn signals, because I’m a good driver.”

~

“Is the wild salmon free range?”

~

“If you max out a credit card and never make a payment it won’t count against your credit because you never started paying it.”

~

“I want a puppy, but I’m not going to feed it. That way, it stays a puppy.”

~

“Why do we waste so much money buying paper when we could just photocopy a blank page a bunch of times?”

~

“What? Christmas falls on a Friday this year?! I hope it’s not a 13th!”

~

“I thought there were 200 seconds in two minutes? Like when you want to microwave your food for 2 minutes, you put in 200…”

~

“What’s the difference between cheddar and cheese?”

~

“What do you mean D-day happened in France? I thought we were fighting the Germans?”

~

“Do sun-dried tomatoes come from the sun?”

~

“You know those round things on pepperoni pizza? What are those?”

~

“Sometimes I get my left and right hand confused because when I do the “L” trick they both look like L’s.”

~

“I’m allergic to water, so I just drink juice.”

~

“Is Oxbridge better than Oxford or Cambridge?”

~

“Well, if the teachers did their job, then my son wouldn’t be sent home with homework.”

~

“Wow, look at the thunder!”

~

“Can you get food poisoning from uncooked toast?”

~

“I don’t understand why they have to add an area code; why don’t they just make more phone numbers?”

~

“Logic? Nah man. I don’t believe in that stuff.”

~

“What part of the pig do the ribs come from?”

~

“I’m not worried about getting AIDS, because if I get it I’ll just give it to someone else and then I won’t have it anymore.”

~

“What’s a cantaloupe? A female antelope?”

~

“Hey babe, your brakes are screeching, you should take it in when you get a chance.”
“No need, I’ll just spray WD-40 on it.”

~

“Oh yeah, Einstein, the guy who invented gravity.”

~

“I always wear a black bikini because black attracts sunlight, so I can get a tan easier.”

~

“But swallowing saliva makes you sick!”

~

“They’re not hoarders. They just don’t throw anything out.”

~

“Where can I buy a lowercase keyboard?”

~

“Homeland security is the people who take your house away from you if you stop paying.”

~

“I’ve got pretty good eyesight when it comes to seeing stuff.”

~

“The reason we can’t see stars during the day is because the earth is facing the side of space that has no stars yet.”

~

“Is a spider monkey an actual monkey? Does it shoot webs like Spiderman?”

~

“They put chlorine in the water to help you float.”

~

“I can’t, I’m vegan.”

“Yeah, but this chicken broth doesn’t contain meat. It’s just broth.”

~

“Our body produces nicotine, so smoking cigarettes isn’t that bad.”

~

“Wait, horses lay eggs, right?”

~

“Don’t be stupid Colin, microwaves don’t cook things, they only heat them up!”

~

“Alligators don’t have legs. They’re like the snakes of the ocean.”

~

“The root word of ‘infinite’ is ‘infant’, and because of that, all infants have infinite knowledge – knowledge they slowly forget as they age.”

~

“Light shoots out of your eyes, bounces off of objects, and shoots back into your eyes to enable you to see.”

~

“Men don’t have bladders. They store pee in their testicles.”

~

“Okay, so if we have sign language for blind people, why don’t we have like ear language for deaf people?”

~

“Oh. Are you one of those people who think pollution is bad?”

~

“Can airplanes stop in mid-air?”

~

“Look at those gone off bananas! They’re going green!”

~

“Mt. Rushmore happened naturally in the earth and they’ve chosen the presidents because they looked like the mountain.”

~

“White people shouldn’t listen to rap music because they never experienced the struggles that the rappers are rapping about and can’t relate to it.”

~

“The spork is ‘the devil’s utensil’ because it’s an amalgamation of the masculine fork and the feminine spoon, thus it’s trying to blur gender lines in society.”

~

“It’s scientifically proven that nothing can be proven.”

~

“But it’s awful. Why can’t they just take the crust off the bread before they bake it?”

~

“Diabetes has nothing to do with weight. I’ve been overweight for years and I’m fine!”

~

“Boobs are just large skin sacks of milk.”

~

“When you come up on a sharp curve in the road you don’t need to slow down. Your speed will keep you on the road.”

~

“I want to get married in Rome, Italy, or Europe.”

~

“I don’t get it, when you are driving, why does the snow always come towards you?”

~

“My son doesn’t need to do his homework, he’s going to be a footballer. Neither does my daughter because she’s going to be on Broadway.”

~

“I drink diet coke instead of water because I don’t want to put on any water weight.”

~

“If you don’t stop crying I’ll give you something to cry about!”

~

“There’s a JFK airport, a John Lennon airport and a Martin Luther King airport. They should really stop naming airports after famous people because they keep getting shot.”

~

“Since no human has ever seen or wrote about a live dinosaur there is absolutely no way to prove they existed.”

“So what would it take to make you believe they were real? You want the dinosaur to have left a written note saying they existed?”

“Yes, it’s the only way we can know for sure.”

~

“Why should the taxpayer have to pay for this? The government should pay!”

~

“I’m gonna stop skateboarding until I get better at it.”

~

“I think I’m allergic to pepper because every time I use it, it makes me sneeze.”

~

“They don’t allow gay marriage here because of taxes being different for men and women. Like, if you have two men together, the tax man would get confused when he read your tax filings.”

~

“Evolution can’t be real because you have to have seen it happen. And anyway, Charles Dickens was a fraud.”

~

“If you open your eyes while you sneeze, your eyes will fly out.”

~

“Black people need to stop complaining about slavery. It’s been 50 years already!”

~

“Greasy foods are good for you. They lubricate your intestines.”

~

“When all the planets align next week, we’re gonna lose gravity on Earth for like 10 minutes. If I were you I’d find a tree.”

~

“It’s true, pizza crust is made of chicken skin.”

~

“Isn’t the Grand Canyon located on top of a mountain?”

~

“I have a very artistic eye for things. My sister is a painter.”

~

“The deodorant, its ‘24/7’ because it works 24 hours during the day and 7 hours at night.”

~

“I can’t hear you. It’s too dark.”

~

“Is ice cream a baked good?”

~

“Venezuelans are from Venezuela, while Hispanic people are from Hispain.”

~

“I’m on my prostate. It’s like a period for guys.”

~

“I’ve told you before, dinosaur bones aren’t real. It’s all Plaster-Of-Paris.”

~

“I don’t put ice in my drink. That way it won’t overflow when it melts.”

~

“The plural of moose is ‘meeses’.”

~

“If monks are celibate, how come they aren’t extinct?”

~

“I wouldn’t have to shave so much if I just shaved more often.”

~

“Now class, I’m going to read all your names off this list, and when you hear your name, answer me ‘here’ or ‘not here’.”

“But Miss?”

“I didn’t say your name, Ingrid.”

~

“How come they don’t make clear paint? That way I could have a clear car.”

~

“Right, I’ll mow the carpet, you vacuum the lawn.”

~

“See? The word gullible IS in the dictionary! Ha!”

~

“Don’t you think it’d be hard to be deaf in a kitchen, they’re so noisy!?”

~

“I’m buying plug-in candles.”

“What for?”

“Well, we’ll need something for when the power goes out.”

~

“Wind turbines are tornado choppers. Yeah, they give us power and they also chop tornadoes up into tiny pieces so people’s homes don’t get destroyed.”

~

“Isn’t glass just frozen water?”

~

“My sister is pregnant.”

“She is?”

“Yeah, I can’t wait to find out if I’m an auntie or an uncle!”

~

“Hi sir, can I help?”

“Yes, do you have to be over 21 to order the beer battered fish?”

THANKS FOR READING.


Adults Say The Dumbest Sh*t!: A Collection of Humorous Quotes

  • ISBN: 9781370037162
  • Author: Jeffrey Pickles
  • Published: 2017-08-15 07:17:22
  • Words: 6749
Adults Say The Dumbest Sh*t!: A Collection of Humorous Quotes Adults Say The Dumbest Sh*t!: A Collection of Humorous Quotes