A Collection of Sh-Wit
Published by Brandon Thomas at
Copyright 2017 by Brandon Thomas
Shakespir Edition, License Notes
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Table of Contents
A fly buzzes around a painted white jail cell, a man’s eyes fixated on it’s every twist and turn as it spins through the air. The man is slim, wearing a white prisoner’s uniform, and houses very unkempt hair on top of his head. The man begins to scratch his head as he continues to stare at the fly.
“I got it!”, the man said suddenly. “I will call you Carl. What do you think of that?”
The man looks at the fly as if it would answer. It does not.
Satisfied with the name, the man returns to the cot within his cell, and begins to hum a lite tune as he lays down and stretches out. He looks around his cell, all white without a single splash of color. If he had his way, he would add some style, perhaps even a nice mural to his wall, maybe even something including Carl. The thought of such a mural actually existing comforted the man, but also bored him. Soon enough, the man was asleep, snoring softly to the sound of Carl zooming around. A high-pitched whine is heard, as well as the cackling of some sort.
“Oh my god, are you ever going to leave your freaking cell?!” yelled a mysterious voice.
The man in the cell sat up and looked around. His eyes immediately fixated on Carl.
“Carl…did you just…” the man said, baffled.
“Oh my….No, it wasn’t the fly, its me, a person. Talking through the intercom right outside your cell.” Explained the mysterious voice.
“Intercom? There’s an intercom here? Is it also white?” asked the man.
“I…. uh…yes? I think so.” answered the voice, “You didn’t see it already?”
“Rather hard too see it, when it blends in. However, I was always told to mind my own business.” Said the man.
“Minding your own…?” The mysterious voice spoke, softly at first, then noticeably louder.
“Where the hell do you think you are?!”
The man in the cell shrugs in reply.
“Are you gonna answer me or…?” asked the voice.
“Oh sorry, I shrugged. I assumed you have cameras.” Answered the man.
“Oh…we do, just they go offline sometimes, and for some reason they aren’t really angled right. I didn’t get the best electrician to install them…” explained the voice.
“Oof. Yeah, its hard to find good help these days.” Answered the man.
“Ugh, tell me about it…first I had to call the guy and exp-…” the voice cut off quickly. “Wait a damn second, why am I talking to you?!”
The man shrugs again, but then remembers the problem with the cameras.
“How should I know? You called me. Name’s Adam by the way.” Said the man in the cell.
“I know exactly who you are! But right now you are my prisoner.” The intercom cackled once again as the voice spoke.
“Prisoner? But you asked me if I was going to leave my cell…?” replied Adam.
“Well… yeah, you were supposed to leave on your own curiosity though…I had a whole plan and everything.” explained the voice.
“Eh, I’m not really one to pry. I can keep myself entertained.” Said Adam, with a third shrug.
“Yeah, I heard the thing with the fly. It’s just…you’ve been in there for three days, I just figured by now….” The voice began to trail off.
“Like I said, I can keep myself entertained.” Adam explained with a fourth shrug, now realizing his struggle with this habit.
“That’s…great. Anyways, if you want to be free you must exit your cell and go through the door at the end of the hallway. There you will be tested…there you will be…uh…tested.” The voice said, as menacingly as it could.
“You said tested twice.” Remarked Adam.
“Shut up!” the voice yelled. “I had this whole speech planned and I got distracted with your dumb fly!”
“Carl isn’t dumb!” snapped Adam.
“Oh my god…just go through the door.” The voice said with a heavy sigh.
“I don’t know; it sounds kind of ominous…” Adam said nervously.
“Thank you, that’s kind of point. Go through it. Now.” The voice said.
A loud click is heard over the intercom and silence fills the jail cell once more. Adam is both confused and curious as to what just happened, and decides to do as instructed. With one final farewell to Carl, Adam opens his cell door, and begins to walk down the hallway towards the door.
The door opened with a slight creak, giving Adam a little start. Once again, he found himself in a room painted entirely white, save for one large black screen taking up most of the adjacent wall. Adam clicked his tongueto himself quietly, thinking how this room could also use a makeover. Without warning, the large black screen began to glow, and soon displayed a message that read:
You are Adam, yes?
“Well yeah, I just said that….” Adam mumbled to himself with a scowl on his face.
As Adam finished talking, a familiar cackle of outdate equipment was once again heard.
“This was here before you introduced yourself.” Said the voice through yet another intercom, but sounding almost clearer.
“But you said you already knew who I was?” Adam replied confusingly.
“Yes…but this was meant to test if the drug worked…” the voice answered.
“What drug…?” asked Adam rather quickly.
“The one I gave you, the one that makes you lose your memory.” The voice explained.
“Well obviously it didn’t work. I remembered my name!” Adam declared.
“Right…tell me, what is your last name?” asked the voice.
“Easy it’s…. uh…huh.”
Adam stared blankly, failing to remember.
“I’d say it half worked.” The voice said shortly.
“I’d say you’re right.” Adam said with a nod.
The voice began to laugh softly through the speakers. Adam listened closely, swearing that he had heard an echo.
“At least something in my plan went half-right.” The voice said with a half chuckle followed by a long sigh.
“Hey now, you captured me, remember? That’s worth something, right?” Adam said in a comforting tone.
The room went silent for a moment, but the voice started speaking again, this time slowly:
“Yeah, about that; I didn’t mean to snag you…”
“What do you mean…?” Asked Adam with a confused look.
“Eh, it probably wouldn’t interest you.” Said the voice passively.
Adam began to scowl again.
“Do I look not interested?!” he said with anger.
“I have no idea. Once again, these cameras aren’t the best.” Answered the intercom.
Adam heard an echo once again, and started to look around the room. He began to run his fingers along each wall, in search of something.
“Uh…hello?” the voice asked. “You’re still there, right?”
“Yup! Still here.” Adam replied without looking from what he was doing. He needed to keep the voice talking.
“So what exactly are you?” Adam asked, hoping for an answer.
“I guess you could say I’m a supervillain? A fairly new one.” Answered the voice.
“A new supervillain…? Why are you…?”
Adam trailed off asking the question as his fingers felt a slight breeze after passing over a brick in the wall.
“I guess I didn’t want to follow in my father’s footsteps.”, Said the voice softly, with a sad tone.
Adam began to search the wall closely, holding his hands in front of each brick, trying to feel the breeze once more.
“And he was…what exactly?” Adam asked in hopes of keeping the conversation going.
“A dentist.” Replied the voice. Adam felt a slight breeze coming from a brick near the center of the wall. With a slight push, the brick slid into the wall (accompanied by the ever so comforting sound of two bricks rubbing against one another) exposing a hidden room.
This room was also painted white, and contained an old mattress and several cupboards. Near the front of the room was a man wearing a wrinkled and faded white lab coat, and black cowboy boots that were propped up on a desk. The man held what appeared to be a walkie-talkie with a long cord attached to the wall. He stared at Adam in shock.
“I’m guessing you’re the dude I’ve been talking to?” Adam inquired.
The lab coat wearing man did not answer, but rather just nodded in reply.
“So what’s your name?” Asked Adam
“Doctor Docktor.” Said the mysterious man.
“Your name is Doctor Docktor?” said Adam with a puzzled look.
“Uh yeah, but my name has a “K” in it as well.” Said Docktor
Adam began to walk closer. The doctor looking visibly distressed and worried the whole time.
As Adam got close, he pulled up a chair next to the doctor, and sat across from him.
“So you’re a supervillain?” asked Adam
“Yeah…a new one.” Docktor added.
“You aren’t very intimidating.” Adam said as he eyed the doctor up and down.
“Yeah, well maybe you should try it!” snapped the doctor. “Do you have any idea how challenging this is?!”
“No need to get hostile! I’m just curious.” Adam said coolly.
“That does not surprise me, my intellect is astounding.” Docktor said with a smug grin.
“Not to mention your charisma.” Adam said with a roll of his eyes.
The Docktor sat up and began to straighten his wrinkly lab coat. After patting it down a ample amount, he leaned towards Adam and began to stare.
“You think you’re so clever, don’t you?” the doctor asked with a frown.
“I don’t know what the hell to think!” Adam exclaimed, “I’m half drugged, remember?”
“Oh right…is it too late to say sorry or…?” the doctor asked sheepishly.
“I think so.” Adam answered, “So why don’t you tell me more about this plan of yours?”
The mention of that seemed to calm the doctor down, he appeared more eager and excited to share.
“Well,” the doctor began, “So I made a drug that’s supposed to affect your memories.”
“I would say it worked.” Adam said with a nod.
“Not exactly, it was supposed to make you forget everything, but instead it only worked on half.” Explained the doctor. “It mostly just rendered you unconscious and super forgetful.”
“Whoa wait a second.” Adam said suddenly.
“Did you roofie me?! That’s not cool, man.”
“It wasn’t that sort of drug, but when you say it like that…”
“There’s no other way to say it.”, Answered Adam with a scowl. “However, I can’t remember half my life anyway.”
“So you aren’t mad?” asked the doctor
“I would say I am mildly annoyed at the most.” Adam replied. “Please continue your explanation.”
“So I made this drug, as I said.” The doctor continued. “And I was going to have you run tests on your memory, make you go through trials of danger, fear inducing tasks even.”
“That’s kinda messed up, man.” Adam said with a half shrug.
“I call myself a supervillain for a reason.” Answered the doctor, with his own shrug.
“Obviously I’m not a good one though.” The doctor continued. “I had all sorts of things planned, like a maze and even created a fearsome beast for you to battle.”
The mention of such a beast made Adam raise an eyebrow in question, he opened his mouth to speak, but the doctor raised his hand in protest.
“The beast isn’t Carl.” The Doctor said plainly.
Adam sighed with disappointment. A few moments of silence passed, and awkward glances were exchanged. Eventually, Adam broke the quiet with another question;
“So where exactly do I come in? How and where did you kidnap me from?”
“Oh…” the doctor said rather quietly.
The doctor rose from his chair and began to pace rapidly between the desk and the doorway.
“Remember the electrician I mentioned before?” the Doctor blurted, “Well that guy was you.”
“Me?” Adam said, obviously puzzled and only half paying attention.
“Yeah, while installing the cameras, you hit your head and knocked yourself unconscious.” The doctor explained further.
“Oh…so I wasn’t drugged at all then?” Adam inquired.
“Oh you were, while you were unconscious I did use you as a test subject for the drug.” The doctor replied quickly.
Adam stared at the doctor in disbelief.
“Dude…” he said plainly.
“Look, I know. I am sorry, I just need t-” the doctor began
“You need to hire a consultant.” Adam said coolly.
“I…what?” the doctor looked at Adam with a confused expression.
“Yeah,” explained Adam, “You sound like you could use some help with this whole supervillain thing.”
“You…would want to work for me?” the doctor said, still visibly confused.
“Work with you.” Adam corrected with a smile.
“Even after all the…?” The doctor asked while waving his hands around.
“I don’t remember it anyway.” Adam said with one final shrug, “As long as you don’t do it again. I’ll even set up the cameras right.”
“Then I accept your help!” the doctor answered, smiling for the first time.
“There is one condition though,” Adam continued. “You need to let Carl live.” The doctor looked down and sighed. He stood in thought for a moment and then met Adam’s piercing gaze.
“Fine.” Agreed the doctor. “This thing with the fly is really starting to bug me.”
I awoke to the sound of dripping water. A rusty pipe was right above me, and was only visible with a small streak of light coming through a small and filthy window. I tried to move, only to realize my wrists were bound to the wall. I stretched my legs and heard a faint jingle. Bending my knees closer to the light revealed that my ankles are incased with chains. I began to panic; I could not see anything else around me. The room was pitch black besides the light, and smelled horrible. I frantically looked around, hoping to see if there was anything I could use to break free of my restraints. In my rapid shaking and attempts to break free, something had fallen out of my pockets.
My matchbook! I thought to myself.
The corner of the matchbook was barely visible in the darkness, but I was able to extend my knee over just enough to knock it to my hands. I managed to open the match book and retrieve a match, without ever being able to see what I was doing. Striking the match took several attempts, but eventually I felt the heat of the fire on my hands. As precise as I could, I place the lit end of the match on my restraints, in an attempt to singe it enough to allow me to break free.
I felt my hand burn and the smell of my own seared skin started to blend in with the rotten stench of whatever hellhole I am in.
Just a little more…got it.
One of my restraints was weakened enough to be broken, all that was left was my other hand. As I began to repeat the process, I started to hear a loud thump.
Where is the noise coming from? I quickly lit a match with my free hand and got a brief glimpse of the room I was in. What appeared to be rotten meat was hanging in the corner on great big metal hooks. The walls were black and red with dried blood, and various bones were scattered amongst the floor. Flies were buzzing everywhere, and it took everything in my power t not vomit.
The noise was coming closer, I had no time to waste. I quickly began working on my other restraint. I was having no luck untying it with one hand, so I had to resort to burning it off once more. I was down to my last two matches.
The first match barely singed the rope, causing me to panic even more. I lit the final match and a loud BANG was heard, and light poured in from a stairwell. The light blinded me, and all I can see through squinted eyes was the outline of a large figure at the top of the stairs.
The figure began to descend the stairs and I used all my remaining strength to try and break free.
The figure was only a few yards away, and I began to sob and plead.
The figure stopped and stared, and I looked back. I began to beg, but the figure just laughed.
I saw the figure open his mouth and bellow a very deep;
The sun’s heat beat down on us as we stared into each others eyes. A soft click was heard from each of our guns as we readied them to shoot. The wind blew, causing the dust beneath our feet to stir and our jackets to rustle. We stood there for what seemed for h-
Ahem. We stood there for-
“Jim, you’re making a weird face.”
“Gawd Damnit Rick. I am tryin’ to have an inner monologue here.” I snapped.
“We are literally trying to kill each other, and you want a moment to talk to yourself? And what’s with the accent?” Rick asked.
“Is that really too much to ask for?” I said “I mean really now. After all this shit you’ve done?”
“The shit I’ve done?!?” yelled Rick “You slept with my wife!”
“And you threatened to kill me!”
“BECAUSE YOU SLEPT WITH MY WIFE!”
Just then, a gallop was heard coming from the East, and a large man on a larger horse appeared. Rick and I stared at the man as he dismounted and took out his gun. The man aimed the gun at Rick, and began to speak;
“Rick Bramble!” exclaimed the man “I am here on account of the debt you owe me.”
The man then cocked his gun.
“And I’ll take it with your life if I must.”
Rick and I still had our gazes locked on the man, we glanced at each other and then back to the man.
“Now listen Jedidiah,” Rick began to say “I’ll get your money once I claim the bounty on this here adulterer.”
I looked around for the person Rick was referring too, and then I realized he meant me. I hadn’t realized I got a bounty placed on me. Cool.
“Bounty?” asked Jedidiah curiously.
“Yes,” said Rick “Enough to pay you back and more.”
Jedidiah began to scratch his chin, taking turns looking between myself and Rick. He then took another pistol out from behind his back and aimed on at me.
“Sorry Rick,” Jedidiah said, “But I reckon I’ll kill you and Mr. Pervert over there and claim the bounty as my own.”
Nobody calls me Mr. Pervert and gets away with it.
“My name is Jim, actually.” I said.
“Now Jed, you don’t want to do this. You’ll get the money, just let me walk away.” Rick stammered.
“Not a chance in hell, Rick,” Jedidiah said with a smug grin, “I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time.”
“Do I get a say in this?” I asked.
They both replied with a loud “NO”. Jerks.
“Say your prayers.” Jed said as he aimed to shoot us dead.
Before Jedidiah had a chance to shoot us, a car came screeching by with sirens flashing. The car quickly power-slid and stopped just a few feet away from me. All three of us watched as the county sheriff stepped out of the car, with a revolver in each hand.
“Look-y here,” said the Sheriff while chewing on some tobacco.
“Awh hell.” Groaned Rick.
The Sheriff ignored Ricks whining and began to spoke;
“I am here to take all three of you boys in, for two counts of adultery, attempted murder, and extortion.”
“Two counts of adultery?” Rick asked.
“Yessir,” answered the Sheriff, “Seems like ol’ Jed here did the deed with your wife, Mr.Bramble.”
“SON OF A BITCH!” Rick yelled as he aimed his gun at Jed.
Before things got violent, I interjected.
“Now fellas, it seems we all have reason to kill one another. So I propose we all turn around, take ten steps, and then turn back around and shoot.”
“Fine.” Said Rick.
“Fair to me.” Answered Jedidiah.
“Now hold on,” began the Sheriff, “I do not agree to this.”
“Well you better or I’ll shoot you now.” Said Jed.
“It’s a great plan. Let’s do it. Alright!” gulped the Sheriff.
“On the count of three, we turn and move.” I said
We all dug our feet into the ground, ready to turn.
We glanced at each other with fierce looks.
All three of the men turned, Rick, Jedidiah and the Sheriff. As they began counting their steps out loud, I put a bullet in each of their backs. They were all too slow to retaliate, and all laid dead in the dirt.
I began to walk away when I heard a deathly gurgle call out of what I thought was a corpse.
“You have no honor, Jim.” Rick said with blood coming out of his mouth.
“No, I do not,” I answered. “But I have what it takes to survive.”
“You’ll be tracked down you know. You killed a Sheriff. You’ll be hunted until you’re caught.”, gurgled Rick with his dying breath.
“Well Rick,” I began to say with a smirk, “I figure I have enough time to catch up with your wife for one last evening, and then hit the road.”
Thank you for taking the time to read my very brief collection of stories! If there was anything in particular you liked, feel free to let me know. In case you want to learn anymore about me, please read my short bio below.
Brandon Thomas is an aspiring writer of short stories and game content and is a consistent gaming industry observer for all things related to current trends and critically acclaimed works.
With a bachelor’s degree in Creative Writing for Entertainment, and an avid gamer himself, he is well versed in writing various genres and understands the fundamentals of what makes a game’s production time run smoothly and efficiently. Brandon can currently be found through his [+ Linkedin+] page, or on his trying to win free stuff.
A COLLECTION OF SHWIT holds only the top three best stories the author could find on his current hard drive. "Captivated Friendship" begins the collection when a man awakens inside of a prison cell, confused on how he got there. The man soon escapes his cell with the help of a mysterious voice over the intercom, and soon navigates the prison in search of it's source. "Imprisoned" tells the tale of an unlucky fella who finds himself locked in a dark and damp basement. The man desperately tries to escape as he hears something getting closer and closer. "Standoff" tells the story of several goofy cowboys who all somehow wound up aiming guns at each other for very specific. and comical, reasons.