Version, Sept. 4, 2017
Notice of Copyright
Author: Billy Oxkidd
Library of Congress,
This entire Copyrighted work, original, unique, and without exception, absent of all external influence, all rights reserved, any resemblance to identities of persons living or dead, purely coincidental. No use of this work or any part thereof, permitted without prior permission in writing from the owner of the copyright herein. No part or whole of this work may be published, reproduced, copied, distributed, shared, digitized, retrieved from storage or transmitted by any means whatsoever, without prior explicit permission in writing from the owner of the copyright herein, or in the circumstance, if electronically published, governed by the authorized distributor’s terms and conditions, excepted by the copyright owner.
Serious Risk of Personal Injury, Including Death. The content materials contained within this book are not intended for use as a medical self-help guide. No treatment, cure, medical advice or medical instruction is offered or given in this book. Do not copy or otherwise emulate anything contained within this book. Seek medical care and treatment from your Physician for any and all your health cares requirements. This Book is comprised solely of a memoir of one person’s personal experiences, thoughts, opinions, and conclusions. This book’s contents, solely intended for educational and leisure reading purposes. Anything that you shall personally do, based on what you read in this book shall be solely your own responsibility. No responsibility or liability of any kind whatsoever is assumed for any reasons whatsoever for anything associated with this book, including, but not limited to inaccuracies, omissions and errors
My reasons for presenting this short memoir essay, in interests contributing to the better understandings of the pearls encompassed within that mandatory passage, youth’s such passage through youth. One of such destinies preordained youthful pearl, tightly bound and encompassed within the journey through youth, not all youth making it, and some making it in spite of and for nebulous reasons fait only knowing, a reality within this journey through youth, the way it always having been and the way it will always be.
“55 Minutes”, a recounting of one single two hours transitory event, part of an endless crescendo of youthful betrayal, such now some sixty years removed from such youthful past, a road trip, two youths, a 56 Oldsmobile, a driver, a passenger and a regrettable two hours of incomprehensible terror exacted on this innocent passenger. A regrettable exacting of terror upon this passenger so long ago during an event of youthful terror conflagration by innocence of intent, nevertheless terror remaining terror, regardless of intent.
This faithful several hour’s journey beginning in youthful innocence, a warm sultry summer evening, the supper hour so very long ago. A crescendo of youthful betrayal inexorably building, building, relentlessly building within a naivety of youth, such youth, myself, psychologically and emotionally driven in address of such betrayal this sultry summer’s evening. This event in question, a personal matter solely my own, however myself then interested in taking company with me for comforting presence and buttressed moral support.
Introspectively looking back at this matter through lifetime maturity eyes, my personal psychological status at these youthful times in question here, worn down by betrayal’s relentless emotional assault, overpowering my youthful development, such still a work in progress, my associations and personal interests at such times more and more encompassed by people and situations relatable to my then present conundrums of circumstances. By these times in question so long ago, myself then slowly having drifted into another lifestyle, more conducive to my emotional status, alcohol and rebellion now my close new associates. The locale neighbourhood crowd, I and we all hung with at those times, all mostly within normal youthful emotional parameters, however as my personal emotional circumstances are diverging from this crowds own, I start associating with one other person within our crowd appearing more akin with my own diverging alcohol lifestyle.
Such akin counterpart, a young fellow by the name of Al, Al appeared as having somewhat a similar divergent alcohol lifestyle as my emerging own, I now don’t remember Al’s last name, but Al also appeared to be reeling from some past psychological matters of his own, such perception, uncertain, only suspecting by me as such. I ran my proposition past Al, asking if he would be interested in going with me the next evening on my proposed journey, Al cheerfully agreed to accompany me on my mission of academic emotional redemption.
I didn’t know Al that well, but Al appeared to be a decent and pleasant person, however somewhat internally broken, as was I becoming, however Al also appeared to be a couple of years older than myself and well advanced as a young alcoholic, while my alcohol status was still parochial in comparison to Al’s, in a manor of speaking, birds of a feather. As agreed, the next evening we both set out together in my old 56 Oldsmobile, plotting our course on a gas station road map. Travelling some 100 miles, the first half, familiar country, however the second half, rugged mountain type cliff faced roads with steep drop offs and totally unfamiliar.
When we arrived at our proposed destination, the light was beginning to fade; the night was summer like and sultry. I let Al off at a drinking hole, which I normally would have also eagerly attended, but with mission fully encompassing my entire psyche, I further proceeded locally by myself, making arrangements with Al to pick him up about an hour or two later. The long and short of the ensuing events that followed, after leaving Al at this drinking hole, ensuing following events totally psychologically and emotionally catastrophic to my youthful self, as my emotional maturity development is still incapable of rationally coping with the overpowering and debilitating emotional circumstances plying free range over my ability to rationally defend self.
The dye having been cast, reality of truer circumstances painfully clear to me, my fools paradise shattered and in ruins, I terminated my mission, returning back to the watering hole, picking up Al, and then immediately proceeding back in the darkness from when’s this journey first began some several hours earlier. This evening’s outcome as of this point, so catastrophic in my youthful psychological emotional perception, I am now emotionally in a very different place than ever previous. From any matured rational point of view, the events that now would follow should not have ever taken place under any circumstances, but the shortcomings of youthfulness in dealing with incomprehensible emotional circumstances, far outstripping youthful rational coping abilities, and as such ensuing events indeed unfolding as destined to unfold.
Completely broken up, glassy eyed and shattered when departing with the Oldsmobile, my road driving conduct now egregiously inappropriate and irresponsible, such true on modern highways, nevertheless on this dark curving roadway resembling the serpents back, rock faces and steep drop offs. My eyes far too glassy to properly see, my speed very high, negotiating endless snaking curves, wheels endlessly screaming, screeching, screeching, screeching on this sultry nights constantly snaking pavement. I am oblivious and indifferent to the perils resulting my road conduct, the Olds drifting mostly out of control, drifting mostly sideways through endless curves. For the next ensuing hour I am fully consumed with matters having nothing to do with my driving, I never once speak or look at Al, nor Al once ever speaking to me during these surreal minutes, I only know however that Al is in the front passenger seat with me, past my knowing Al is occupying the front passenger seat, Al remaining invisible to me.
I did have a faint sense, Al fully recognizing my obvious oblivion within reality, however Al’s failure to protest my egregious exacting of endless terror upon his life’s sensibilities, as I recall somewhat faintly puzzling at the time, especially in bold face of my current dangerous melt down road conduct. Perhaps Al so petrified, becoming mute, and unable to speak, curve by curve, Al facing his imminent destiny of mortality, now such Al’s present reality, Al himself now totally consumed within impossible events not of his own making. This evening I am long past susceptibility to terror, I now straddle foreign realities, normal reality no longer existing for me. Now a some realization of dichotomy further complicating matters, an innocent non-involved and trapped passenger with absolutely no control over a terror inflicted upon him without consent at the hands of myself, a deranged driver.
Sloppily negotiating endless sharp curves on this serpentine roadway at very high reckless speeds, all the while emotionally further and further descending deeper and deeper into some unknown space and unknown place, such far removed from my immediate present, vision blurrily impaired, excessive speed, endless screeching tires and endless last minute control recoveries, Al remains petrified but says nothing.
High-speed, curve by curve, last minute recovering, maybe, maybe not, some curves I now resist such last minute control recoveries, however not respecting Al’s perspective, a terror beyond comprehension. As these sharp curves approach and then pass, more and more I am psychologically resisting each control recovery. Curve by curve I begin seriously considering my growing desire, not recovering control. But now a strange dichotomy intruding my present, as now wanting more and more to just let it go, failing all control recovery attempts, I somewhat more soberly realize, such failure to recover control, to include taking Al with me, and this, ------------ I could not do, and this, ------------ I would not do, and so in response to this new sobering reality, I begin to somewhat modify my egregious conduct, and this evenings violent crescendo intern slowly dropping as the miles role on.
Eventually arriving back home in the early morning, tired, hungry, feeling beaten and vanquished, and somewhat sobered in tenure, this day’s event now over as such. I can’t remember ever seeing Al again as I can now recall, however over my entire lifetime I have often hoped and wished that I might be granted the honour of deeply apologizing to Al for this terror I helplessly inflicted upon Al’s sensibilities so many years ago in youth. Al would probably be pushing his 80’s if still alive, I also thank Al, as if not for Al’s presence and accepting of my inflicted terror that night so many years ago, it is certain, the dichotomy that came into play would have been absent and my end certainly then written.The geneses root matters spawning this summer evenings personal events, vanquished this day, however far, far from over, not satisfied with sufficient infliction upon an emotionally helpless youth.
This dichotomy I speak of within this event recounting must have been a geneses of my native psyche, as such question of dichotomy contradiction, never previously having been contemplated by myself. However what this experience seared into my full psyche, never again would I ever allow my self to inflict my personal conduct or impinge on the safety or involvement of any other non-involved innocent person, or road partner, and such pledging remained scrupulously true throughout a lifetime.
Ending of this day’s matters.
“55 Minutes”, a recounting of one single two hours transitory event, part of an endless crescendo of youthful betrayal, such now some sixty years removed from such youthful past, a road trip, two youths, a 56 Oldsmobile, a driver, a passenger and a regrettable two hours of incomprehensible terror exacted on this innocent passenger. A regrettable exacting of terror upon this passenger so long ago during an event of youthful terror conflagration by innocence of intent, nevertheless terror remaining terror, regardless of intent. The dye having been cast, reality of truer circumstances painfully clear to me, my fools paradise shattered and in ruins, I terminated my mission, returning back to the watering hole, picking up Al, and then immediately proceeding back in the darkness from when’s this journey first began some several hours earlier. This evening’s outcome as of this point, so catastrophic in my youthful psychological emotional perception, I am now emotionally in a very different place than ever previous. From any matured rational point of view, the events that now would follow should not have ever taken place under any circumstances, but the shortcomings of youthfulness in dealing with incomprehensible emotional circumstances, far outstripping youthful rational coping abilities, and as such ensuing events indeed to unfold as destined to unfold.