Copyright © 2014 by Hey Sup Bye Publishing
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Q: How do you get a wedding singer off your front porch?
A: Pay for the pizza.
Q: What do you call a group of lousy singers?
Q: What do you call an arrogant trombone player?
A: A brass-hole.
Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
A: That is the banjo player’s Porsche.
Q: How do you get a clarinet player to play louder?
A: You can’t!
Q: What do you call a fish that needs vocal help?
Q: What kind of berry plays an English horn?
A: A tooty fruity.
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The piano player can do that with his left hand though.
Q: What do you call a cow that plays guitar?
A: A moo-sician.
Q: How do know a clarinet player is playing loud?
A: You can almost hear them.
Q: What music do balloons dislike?
A: Pop music.
Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?
A: He turned a peg and wouldn’t tell the bass player which one.
Q: How late does the band play?
A: About half a beat behind the drummer.
Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A: They don’t know the words.
Q: How is a heart like a musician?
A: They both have a beat.
Q: What do you say to a punk rocker in a three piece suit?
A: Will the defendant please rise?
Q: What’s the difference between a violist and a dressmaker?
A: A dressmaker tucks up frills.
Q: How do you make a bandstand?
A: Take away their chairs.
Q: How do you know if there is a drummer at your door?
A: The knocking always speeds up.
Q: Why did the boy bring a ladder to chorus?
A: He wanted to sing higher.
Q: Why is it difficult to get inside a piano?
A: The keys are on the inside.
Q: What’s the definition of a nerd?
A: Someone who has his or her own alto clarinet.
Q: What was the name of the green singer?
A: Elvis Parsley.
Q: Why did they arrest the musician?
A: He got into big treble.
Q: What is musical and handy in the supermarket?
A: A Chopin Lizst.
Q: What do you get if you cross a lamp with a violin?
A: Light music.
Q: What do you call a mammoth who conducts an orchestra?
Q: Why did the boy who wrecked his bike in a barbed-wire fence miss his music lessons?
A: He had already completed the sharps and flats.
Q: What happened when the piano fell into the mine?
A: A flat minor!
Q: Why did the music student have a piano in the bathroom?
A: He was practicing Handel’s Water Music.
Q: Why do drummers always have trouble entering a room?
A: They never know when to come in.
Q: How are pirates such great singers?
A: They know how to hit the high C’s.
Q: When is the water in the shower room musical?
A: When it’s piping hot.
Q: What is the difference between a cello and a coffin?
A: The coffin has the corpse on the inside.
Q: Why did the guys let the sweet potato join the band?
A: So they could have a yam session.
Q: Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in his car?
A: It took him four hours to get the drummer out.
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an anchor?
A: You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.
Q: How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A: You don’t have to be very good to get people’s attention.
Q: What did the bagpiper score on his IQ test?
Q: Why do bagpipers leave their case on the dashboards?
A: So they can park in handicapped zones.
Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: To get away from the noise.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the bagpipe recital.
Q: What’s an accordion good for?
A: Learning how to fold a map.
Q: How do you protect a valuable instrument?
A: Hide it in an accordion case.
Q: How do you fix a broken tuba?
A: With tuba glue.
Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control?
A: Their personality.
Q: What is the definition of an optimist?
A: An accordion player with a pager.
Q: What’s the difference between a chainsaw and an accordion?
A: A chainsaw can be tuned.
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the guitarist has to show him first.
Q: How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?
A: By their names.
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
A: A chain saw has a dynamic range.
Q: What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
A: About 10 pounds.
Q: What is the missing link between the bass and the ape?
A: The baritone.
Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?
A: He can’t find the key and doesn’t know when to come in.
Q: Why are conductors’ hearts popular for transplants?
A: They’ve had little use.
Q: Why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage?
A: It is more difficult to hit a moving target.
Q: What’s the definition of a quartertone?
A: A bagpiper tuning his drones.
Q: Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo?
A: They make good paddles.
Q: What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
A: When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching the sides.
Q: Why don’t they know where Mozart is buried?
A: Because he’s Haydn!
Q: What is every cat’s favorite song?
A: Three Blind Mice.
Q: What’s the difference between an onion and an accordion?
A: No one cries when you chop up an accordion.
Q: What do you call a male quartet?
A: Three men and a tenor.
Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards?
A: You get your job and your wife back.
Q: What kind of music do the planets and stars listen to?
Q: Which positions does a violist use?
A: First, third, and emergency.
Q: What is the difference between a dog and a viola?
A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Q: Why are orchestra intermissions only twenty minutes long?
A: So the violists don’t need to be retrained.
Q: What is the most musical part of a fish?
A: Its scales.
Q: How is lightning like a violists fingers?
A: Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
A: Half a measure.
Q: What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.
Q: What do you call the musical part of a turkey?
Q: What is the definition of a major seventh?
A: A violist playing octaves.
Q: What’s the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
A: Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
Q: What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?
A: A pair of Re-Bachs.
Q: What did the elves sing when Santa came back from delivering presents?
A: Freeze a jolly good fellow!
Q: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse but has the courage to get on again and continue riding?
A: Bach in the saddle again.
Q: Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?
A: Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Q: What do a viola and lawsuits have in common?
A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
Q: How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid?
A: When the other tenors notice.
Q: What is the most musical bone in the body?
A: The trom-bone.
Q: Why don’t violists play hide and seek?
A: Because no one will look for them.
Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A: Sit in the back and don’t play.
Q: What is the best recording of the Walton viola concerto?
A: Music Minus One.
Q: What is the difference between a trombone and a trumpet?
A: A trombone will bend before it breaks.
Q: How can you tell which kid belongs to a trombone player?
A: He complains about the slide and he can’t swing.
Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
A: Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes.
Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
A: The bow is moving.
Q: What do you get when you drop a piano on an army?
A: A flat major.
Q: Why are most soprano jokes one-liners?
A: So the tenors can understand them.
Q: Did you hear about the musician crime wave?
A: Drive-by recitals.
Q: What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathizers.
Q: Why does a viola burn longer than a violin?
A: It is usually still in the case.
Q: What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong?
A: King Kong is more sensitive.
Q: Why was the soprano standing outside the door?
A: She forgot the key.
Q: What do you call a singing elf?
A: A wrapper.
Q: What do you call a person who plays the viola?
A: A violator.
Q: How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and the other to smash the old bulb.
Q: What is a bassoon good for?
A: Fire wood.
Q: What did Mozart’s ghost say to visitor of his tomb?
A: I’m decomposing!
Q: How do lead guitarists change a light bulb?
A: They just steal someone else’s.
Q: What do you call a musician with a college degree?
A: Night Manager at burger joint.
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